Would not wish this battle of happiness on anyone……

 

Many times when we are left broken by the actions of those we love, we seem to get lost in the pain of it all. There are days when we wake with a huge weight of memories that challenge our ability to smile and keep on going.

“After all, isn’t this what the general society expects of us all? So what, you were beaten, bullied, molested, raped, threatened, controlled; who cares, RIGHT? They say things like; ‘Get on with life’ or ‘So what it’s only sex, you do it all the time. What’s the problem?”

Let me share with you what the ‘PROBLEM’ might be. How about if you close your eyes for about 5 minutes and pretend you are a child; remember the light spirit of catching fireflies in a jar. Then I would like for you to imagine your father (just using the pseudonym as an example); your father’s hands are touching you and suddenly through a quick flash of memory he is on top of you and you feel a burning pain rip through you like a red fury of fire. You hold your breath and turn your head. He’s grunting and telling you what a good child you are and how this is something that is supposed to be done.

All you can think of is how much it hurts!!! You want it to be over, you want him to quit. You have tried to tell your mom, but she simply turns away and ignores your words. You show your dysfunction brought on by the violation of it all; sometimes it comes out in rocked emotions other times through our reactions and actions as we go through life. You’re not allowed to share this ugly secret and you try to figure out why it makes you feel so worthless and ugly. You know that others won’t understand and your friends at school talk about sex like it is just something you do.

“Are they having sex with their parent too? Do they get beat up when the dishes aren’t clean, the laundry’s mess, or just because (HE) is drunk and angry? Do they feel like they don’t matter to anyone at all?”

As you grow up you carry all of this baggage with you. There can be many ‘PROBLEMS’ that you start to see. You may be falling in love with everyone or no one. You may look in the mirror and think about how disgusting you are, or that no one wants you, or no one ever treats you like a decent human being. You stress out easily at work because you have to make sure everything is done with perfection. Sometimes, if you are using an addiction such as alcohol, marijuana, or even food to help get through those shattering moments; you may have problems with being sober at work or high. You may sit at home all by your lonesome and drink or eat until you just can’t drink or eat any longer. You may try to be active in other things, such as taking care of your kids, your family, keeping up with friends, and believe it or not you may even find yourself clinging to your parents, or even the one who violated you. You feel like you need these connections because you want to be loved; to be wanted, appreciated for the good in you, but no matter how hard you try sometimes you just can’t make it through the day without a break down.

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Artwork via: Michal Madison Art

http://www.michalmadisonart.com

Each morning is a new challenge for you. When your eyes open you find yourself once again back in the circle of LIFE AFTER ABUSE!!! It’s ugly as hell and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all. It’s not nice to wake up without a smile for the one you love lying next to you. It’s not nice to be sad all the time and worried about how people will see you ‘Will they see past your veil of secrets?’

We all have some form of burden or trouble we carry sometimes, but the brutal acts and personally violating evils of these crimes is something so deep and so troublesome that even our therapists, support groups, family & friends have difficulty accepting our struggle, understanding the impacts of PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Doubt, Constant Fear of Rejection, the need for Perfection so intense that we don’t have time to enjoy those quiet times of sunshine and flowers or the belly laughter of our children.

We can only hope to help the survivors of these acts when we accept these abuses happened within our homes; the place where we should feel SAFE from the dangers of the world can often be the MOST DANGEROUS.

Remember there are many homes where one parent is not as dangerous as the other. Maybe that other parent doesn’t hear our silent screams for rescue, but maybe they don’t beat and hold you captive. Also there is the ugly truth that these processes of acceptance and silence move forward from one generation in our circle of life to another. Then these acts (CRIMINAL ACTS) are done by the person we marry, the person we choose to have as our lover, friend, companion; the person we share the intimacy with on a regular basis. We believe we can depend on this person to help us through, but instead (especially single moms who have been harmed as children) we continue to fall into the whirlwind romances and find ourselves living with what we have been taught is so ‘NORMAL’ to us. Something we know doesn’t happen in every household, but it definitely happens a lot and for some reason it seems to always happen to us. Those who live in misguided boundaries and beliefs all because of the daily, weekly, decades of brutality and degradation, personal violation and threat to our lives as our everyday perception of life.

You will find us then trying to cope with all of the horrific truths we carry.

How would you get through your day as a Survivor on the path to Freedom from Abuse?

© Patricia A. McKnight

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

Founder; Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

Author: ‘My Justice’

Available through most online book resources!! Bookcvr1

 

IMMEDIATE PRESS RELEASE for My Justice!!!!

It is with great honor that I am extremely happy to share the latest news and reviews for ‘My Justice’. Bookcvr1

You may be aware this is my own true story of a life lived in hell throughout thirty-two years of extreme violence, sadistic sexual attacks, repeated physical attacks, which were nothing less than attempted murder. The more crucial part of this novel is the emotional, neglectful, and mental conditioning which left me trapped in this life.

Beginning at the age of just five years old, I was viciously molested and probed by my then to be stepfather the night of my mother’s bridal shower while he was watching over as babysitter for me, my brother and two neighbor boys that evening. He took claim to me that night and would hold me as his property, his slave in all aspects of the word, for the next twelve years. His attacks would grow more severe and the entrapment I felt would deepen as the members of the community around me watched and some even took part in the trafficking of a child for the exploitation and satisfaction of this demon in the flesh. At the age of 11 he began exploiting and selling me out for the cost of a couple of draft beers. At the age of 12, when I reached out for my mother’s help, he viciously took my virginity with the barrel of his favorite shotgun; ripping my insides apart that would leave me scarred and torn without ever so much as a phone call to a doctor for medical care as I walked away dripping blood on the floor. My brother and sister were downstairs watching television during the attack, but I was held so silently with the fear of having him pull the trigger with the barrel inside me that I never spoke another word about his brutal evil until I was thirty-seven years old and in the middle of my second nervous breakdown.

My mother completely sacrificed me to this devil without ever saying a word about the bruises, the torture, or the selling and exploitation of her daughter. She walked in and found us in bed naked together with his erection ready to be inserted when I was just nine years old. In her words she repeatedly talked about the time when “she walked in and caught us in bed together”. Using the word “caught” would somehow imply that I had a say in the action and that I was the instigator of his sexual advances. She blamed me, yelled at me, and sent me to my room for the night. It was early on in their marriage that he began walking in and ‘teaching’ me how to bathe and what to wash, with instructions on how to wash the intimate parts of a child’s body. There were many times when I yelled out over the years for her to make him leave the room or to make him stop, but with her disregard of her child she allowed him to do with me as he pleased so that she would not have to be held to the responsibilities of their marriage. For me however, this would be an ongoing experience, much like his nightly visits to my room where he held me captive in silence with his coal black stained hand gripping tightly over my mouth. It was at the age of twelve that I then made a conscious decision to quit bathing completely in order to provide some measure of protection for myself. Sadly, although we had excellent healthcare insurance, the decision to quit bathing led to the filth, stench, and a skin eating infection that would rot my arms and legs away over the next four years; all of which were without seeing a physician for my care or providing so much as a toothbrush to prevent her daughter from completely rotting away. Also, during these years his acts of exploitation and selling, raping, beating her daughter into submission would continue to escalate in their evil nature. I clearly remember that one Friday late night party when the call came in for me to prepare the house for his after work party with another ten adult men and me as their entertainment, when my mother simply looked me straight in the eye and stated “have fun” as she went in her bedroom to watch television and closed the door behind her. I was his and she could have cared less. My existence in her house was simply to be the cook, the housekeeper, babysitter and family caretaker. This is all that she found useful or valuable in the child she had given birth and brought into this world.

The community in which I spent most of my life, Freeburg, Illinois was a small coal mining community where everyone knew each other and their business. I attended the same school system for nine consecutive years; Carl L. Barton Community School and Freeburg Community High School. We lived in the same town and as I grew I would work in two of our local restaurants. My point on this is still one that I have problems with today. The entire community, again all who knew me by sight if not by name, to include the school officials, law enforcement, local business owners where either I or my mother worked, the many adult men who attended the parties at our house or were at the bars where again I was the drunken child and entertainment; all of these and including even some school boys who were in attendance at many of the teen drug and alcohol filled parties, they were all witnesses to and some even took part in the vicious trafficking and exploitation of the child who was brutally and viciously beaten into submission and handed out like a party favor. They watched over the years as my body decayed; my arms and legs covered with deep flesh eating infected sores, my mouth filled with plaque covered black broken fangs from lack of medical or dental care, but NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON EVER SAID A WORD OR QUESTIONED MY WELL BEING.

This is why I share my story, why I published ‘My Justice’, why I give voice to the horrific child maltreatment and the community ignorance which left me believing I deserved nothing better and no one would ever find value in my existence. This is the ignorance that teaches our children that these acts are to be expected or seen as normal in their relationships. This is the continued ignorance that I will battle against trying to educate and build a strong front of vigilance to protect the life and well being of all living creatures, but more specifically our children and their value as our next generation. If we do not become involved with the prevention and help rescue the children who live in this hell today, our society will continue on the escalating downslide of human disregard of decency, respect, concern and mental dysfunction. This abuse and violence within our homes has become our own man-made cancer that we have allowed to silently flourish and destroy all that is good in the creation of mankind. We have stood idly by listening and witnessing repeated child brutality by their parents and caregivers. We’ve allowed them to be bought and sold as property to live a life of hell in sex slavery or tortured labor without ever giving a second thought to their purpose and value as children building the basis for our next generation.

Will you continue to watch and allow this madness to rule our existence or will you decide to become a protector of others and allow the opportunity for them to live in what is deserved, simply to live SAFE IN THEIR HOMES?

Having shared these thoughts with you, allow me to provide you with the latest update in the continued success of ‘My Justice’.

Dr. Brenda Joyce Orozco Markert-Green whose highly skilled reputation as a Family & Marriage Counselor, Owner & CEO at Afterglow Counseling, Mediation & Family Services, Trainer for American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy, Educator and Adjunct Faculty Board Member of La Sierra University, located in Riverside, California is now using this incredible novel as REQUIRED READING for her  students in the field of therapy and family counseling. Along with the REQUIRED READING she also presents them with an exam and classroom discussion about the many silent warning signs of abuse and violence in our homes and the wounds it leaves on the victims. She uses this novel to educate her students about the many mental and emotional impacts of these horrific crimes, which they then maintain in their skills and awareness for their future in family and childhood therapy, social services and other arenas of education and support. It is a huge honor to have this story be shared in such a manner to leave a lasting impression on these students. There is no higher gift which can make such a an impact on our society tomorrow and how we handle the many lifelong mental, physical, and emotional wounds inflicted by these heinous crimes which we so easily disregard.

Dr. Brenda Joyce Orozco Markert-Green, there is no way that I can share with you the amazing depth of appreciation for what you are doing and for your support in my voice, my activities, and most importantly ‘My Justice’. I so sincerely hope that one day I have the opportunity to meet you and speak with you so that I can somehow at least share my sincere gratitude. You are using ‘My Justice’ to make a definite impact on how our society will handle these issues for years to come. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Friends please share this and pass it forward in however you are able. It is crucial for all of us to come together as one strong stand in our society and bring an end and hope for rescue in the lives of our children and the positive influence we hope to leave on the next generation.

Respectfully,

Patricia A. McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’

Advocate/Speaker/Blogger/Talk Radio Prod. & Host/Survivor

Founder: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Blog Talk Radio Programming

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

References:

Dr. Brenda Joyce Orozco Markert-Green

Educator & Adjunct Faculty Member, La Sierra University

Mental Health Expert & Trainer for Family & Marriage Counseling

For more information or to connect with Patricia ‘Trish’ McKnight

please email: trish.mcknight@live.com

Child Maltreatment Report FFY 2011

Child Maltreatment Report FFY 2011.

It amazes me that a pic of an adorable little kitten can get 500+ likes, but the reports of abuses and crimes against our children, I’m told to stop sharing, that I’m spamming people. Really which would you consider to be more important? Can we not give our kids the attention they so rightly deserve during Child Abuse Prevention Month, or will we keep silencing them. ‘It’s in the family and we don’t talk about these things’, really? Keeping these dark ugly secrets shamed me into believing I deserved nothing different in life. At 9 my mother caught me naked in bed with my stepfather, got mad at me and sent me to my room for the night. At 9 was the first time I had a loaded shot gun shoved in my face and threatened to blow my f’n head off. At 11 he sold me for pure enjoyment because he could. He was treated to a few beers as the adult men watched a child be fed alcohol until she couldn’t stand up. They pawed at me and took turns feeling me up in a public bar. At twelve he used that same shotgun that was used pointed at my face at age 9, and shoved the barrel inside of me repeatedly. Tearing my insides apart as he threatened again to blow my head off, but this time it would be from the very inside of my vagina. He used the barrel of his favorite shotgun to take my virginity. At 13 I became his whore and the small town I lived in all viewed and judged me as just that, his property to do with as he pleased, o matter what that meant. At 12 I stopped bathing because it wasn’t safe to allow him to trap me in the small area. My mother during twelve years of his sadistic torture not once ever did anything to help me or stop him. In fact she neglected to see me as human. I was his object and she sacrificed her daughter to him so that she would not have to comply with her wifely duties. Caring for the family was my responsibility. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, and caring for my younger sister and my older brother, it was all on me. My skin rotted away in the filth and infection from not bathing. My arms and legs still bare the horrific scars from the puss leaking, infected, and disgusting sores that covered my flesh. My teeth became black broken fangs from never being given a simple toothbrush or having one trip to the dentist. I now carry all of this ugliness on my body. My reflection always is my reminder of these nightmares. It has taken a long time to see myself as a human, deserving of love, respect, caring. Not just an object to be tortured, beaten, raped, sold. Now this is why it matters to me, does it matter at all to you? If it does, then please help me share and lets get this information out there. Trust the town that ignored and judged me as a child, well there are many others like it and there are millions of children living in that same nightmarish life I had to endure for twelve long torture filled, decaying, rotting, disgusting, hellish years. How do you think my life followed when I left home? My six relationships throughout my adult life were a pattern filled with repeated attempts to actually murder me and take my very breath away. When will it all matter enough that it gets as much support as that adorable little kitten?

Please tell me why this is not a crucial point of attention!

Child Abuse Prevention & Sexual Assault Awareness

So I’m a bit angry; why you might ask?

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There is actually a couple of answers to this question.

1) Another year has come and gone in which not a single politician or lawmaker who has the power to call attention to the ongoing Child Abuse and Family Violence within our society has been willing to make it a public issue.

2) April is upon us and although there are many great events planned throughout this special month, the problem I have comes down to this;

Why in the hell do we not honor Sexual Assault Awareness Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month with their own specific month?

This is a topic I briefly addressed last night on Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Talk Radio and one I will share more with you today.

You see it bothers me that we don’t feel these two issues are worthy of having their own special month, so we join them together and address the issue as a whole rather than in the honor they so very much deserve.

As a survivor of both very horrific child physical, emotional, neglectful, and sexual abuse, which also included exploitation and trafficking within my own small hometown community; I’m also a RAPE SURVIVOR!! (Of course there are also the 20 years spent living in almost deadly relationship violence in my lifetime as well)

In our society we have problems talking about the crimes of family violence, child sexual abuse, molestation and the like. For some reason it is something we still consciously choose to keep in the dark; whisper about but don’t accept publicly. This is an outrage because of the millions, estimated at some 40 to 60 million, who are survivors now living and struggling with the aftermath and trying to be accepted in society. However, to be accepted we must not speak of what’s happened in our past. We mustn’t discuss the dark family secrets simply because of the shame it could bring to the family dynasty. REALLY?

How good are the morals of that so called dynasty if we are raping and beating; torturing our children? What is the quality of mankind’s decency if we are forcing survivors of these most vicious and heinous acts to remain silent and fear public and family abandonment? Why is it still so the norm to put the blame of these acts against children who could not defend themselves nor run from their attacker?

These same ugly secrets and fears apply to those who have been raped as adults. However, I will say the response to admitting you are a rape victim is a bit more tender than that of a childhood rape survivor. I truly do not understand this on any level!!!

Our society and our justice system has shown that we still blame the rape victim, no matter how old they are. This was seen just recently in the Steubenville, Ohio rape trial. However, as we’ve also seen, the community has rallied around the victim and let her know she is not in this alone. We are outraged by the minimal sentencing of these perpetrators and the lack of prosecuting those who witnessed, recorded, and posted pictures and discussions about the young men carrying this victim because she was too drunk to walk. We are talking to our kids about the right and wrong of this and I’ve seen many great articles and blogs written from various survivors and others.

Please do not take me wrong, I am most definitely 100% behind the victims whose cases of gang rape and various other attacks have come to our public attention lately. Thank goodness we are beginning to rally behind them rather than turn away.

I ask you though;

What in the hell is so different about these cases of rape we’ve heard about lately and those who are coming forward about the childhood filled with years of brutal attacks of rape, trafficking, and truly physical torture beyond the darkest of imagination?

Also, permit me to add, we rally behind and acknowledge the many long term issues of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Anxiety and more which our war heroes and the recent public rape victims are left to carry. There are continuously more and more psychologists and others with organizations such as National Institute of Mental Health and our Center for Disease Control and Prevention who have conducted studies on the after effects of both war and sexual assault. These studies have concluded that the trauma of both of these life threatening personal situations and attacks leave the same lasting emotional scars.

On this note;

How do you think these lasting effects of trauma and life threatening attacks impact the lives of the many childhood rape survivors today? What is the big difference between supporting and gathering our voices for the war heroes and veterans, the recent rape victims and others, verses the many millions of child rape and abuse survivors who are still forced to hide in the shadows of our society? How is this right on any level of our decency?

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The day will come when we can begin to change the acts of abuse and violence within our homes. It will become a force to be reckoned with as we begin to support those who are sharing their stories today. The problem however, is that it’s not happening fast enough for the many millions of children who are living in the hell now!! The recent collection of Child Maltreatment Reports from the nationwide Child Protective Services; shows a grand total of 3,734,012 reports of child abuses reported in 2011. This is just one year. The Federal Children’s Bureau is presently looking at reports collected from 2007 through 2011 to update our present statistics shared, which were collected and officially reported in 1996.

If we cannot recognize the very importance of this issue and address it head on as a joined and united society, then what are we passing on to our children? Are we showing them we care and want them to have the best if we still are not willing to acknowledge the severity of the issues and how prevalent the acts of abuse and violence truly are in the homes around us?

I understand that by acknowledging the voices from the past we have to accept what we may have witnessed and allowed to exist. We have to accept that some of mankind’s darkest attacks on others happen within our own homes or within those homes of our neighbors. We have to accept that we may have heard the screams for mercy or the horrific cries of a child and did nothing. We have to accept that mothers and fathers, brothers, sisters and close family friends have all seen or been party to these heinous acts, but stood by and did nothing for these children. It’s a lot to accept and I get that, truly I do. I am one of those many who had an entire community, school system, law enforcement, family friends, school mates and others who all witnessed, took part in, or knew of the many attacks from my stepfather. They also watched as I physically rotted away in the disfiguring neglect because of my mother’s lack of even the slightest of human kindness or caring for this one specific daughter.

It’s an ugly situation we are faced with, but we must absolutely act on it now. This month of April; this dedicated month for Sexual Assault Awareness and Child Abuse Prevention cannot be another dismissed month without the attention of our politicians, lawmakers, and those in our society with the power to change our laws and create a stronger united front of education and prevention on these issues. Those who have the power to rescue our kids. Those in our communities who know these families living in this type of hell and do nothing;

child screaming help me

WE ABSOLUTELY NEED EVERYONE ON THIS NOW!!! OUR CHILDREN LIVES, THEIR FUTURE, THEIR WELL BEING, THEIR HOPE FOR LIVING SAFE IN THIS WORLD; ABSOLUTELY DEPENDS ON US ACCEPTING ALL OF THESE UGLY TRUTHS AND RALLYING BEHIND THE MANY VOICES SPEAKING TO EDUCATE AND ELIGHTEN US ON THE HELL OF BEING ONE OF THESE CHILDHOOD NIGHTMARE SURVIVORS!!

If we continue to wear our blinders and pretend not to notice how many are being harmed every single moment of every single day, then we will never be able to stop this horrific man-made cancer that is eating away at the very soul of our existence as a human race. It is crucial that the topic of child abuse and family violence become a common discussion and one that we all are willing to address. It is no longer about what has happened to so many of us or how ugly these acts are, but more instead about how we can learn to be aware of these truths, support these victims and survivors, help provide resources and recovery systems for families and victims, as well to speak to each and every school system and child about the voice they have and how to use it to protect someone they feel is in danger of an attack within their own home.

It is a horrible truth to accept and discuss, but what is the outcome if we continue on the path we are today? Simply put, it will continue. Sure we are a society that is slowly becoming more vigilant about what we see and hear around us, but we are nowhere near where we should be on this issue. What is so damn difficult about this? Why don’t our politicians and lawmakers address this in their speeches and their election platforms?

Why is it so taboo to say: I am a childhood rape survivor?

Isn’t the nurturing and overall safety of our children an issue that all of us in society can rally around today? Tell me please what is the difference between understanding the danger within our homes, supporting those who have gone through decades of self destructive and sometimes suicidal endings; when will we be strong enough to accept our faults, push aside our generational teachings of silence, and finally step up to the plate to defend each and every child from the evil that lurks within their home?

As much as I hope this write up catches the attention of every human being, it is simply my prayer that we will learn to accept what’s happened in our past and use it as an education towards what we need to end in their future!!!

Please do something now and make the issue of child abuse and family violence prevention a topic which all of us can share over a cup of coffee or during lunch with a friend. We can do this and teach our kids there is no shame in being an abuse survivor. Instead, there is hope and great courage in using your voice to speak out and seek help!!

Thank you for reading and I do hope you’ll share!!

© Patricia A. McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’

Advocate/Speaker/Talk Radio Prod. & Host/Survivor

Founder: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Artwork courtesy of: Michal Madison Art

http://www.michalmadisonart.com

Surviving, living, believing, achieving; Healing from Abuse!!

Reblogged from survivorsjustice:

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Posted Nov. 13,2012

It was another restless night of haunting memories and emotions!!

Its been awhile since I've posted a blog, but there are some things that are rushing around in my head this morning, actually they've been swimming around in there since yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday, as I was online building the information on the new website, a phone call comes into my cell about 2pm; it's a programmed number which should have still been blocked, so not sure the how or why she was able to get through.

Read more… 1,730 more words

This post directly is directly related to our broadcat of Survivors World on the show last night. Learn to stand firm in the heaking glory you are today. Find something you can hold onto as youwalk the long path of a self destructive life all as a result of you suffered trauma no matter what that pain may be! Bless you all with strength and hope of a better way. Move forward and heal with many others by visiting http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

A Letter to an Angel…..Dearest Danyelle;

Wishing I could be like you……

danyelle

You’re beautiful you know. When I first met you and we shared those first cheers together, we rode on the wagon through town in the biker parade. I didn’t know how to talk to you. I was afraid I’d say or do something that would cause you to see me as unacceptable.

Your spirit was amazing. Such a beauty you carried. In truth, your confidence and astonishing smile intimidated me. From the very first time we spent together I questioned,

Why can’t I be more like her?

You loved so openly and you saw beauty in absolutely everything. You allowed yourself to be free in every glorious way. How do you do this?

Every time I was around you, I was simply amazed by you. You know the hayride we shared, when Robbie and I had just recently started hanging around the area again? Not sure if you know how excited I was to share the fun with you, but of course the wuss I am; tequila rose didn’t allow me to make it very far on the ride. So sorry I passed out in your lap dear friend. Thank you though for taking good care of me. Truly appreciate it my friend.

You probably felt I was secretly bi-sexual, especially the night I walked mesmerized smelling your perfume, lol!!! I’m not girl, you were an idle to me and I know I never said those words to you. Perhaps you would have understood me better if I could have said what I can only write to you now?

You see, it’s too late for me to tell you what I saw in you. How the love you openly shared of everything in life, is something I could only dream of doing. Your beauty, your smile, your laughter, your kindness; it all intimidated me. I know if you knew this you’d give me a hug, buy me a shot and tell me, ‘Don’t be silly Trish. Look at what you do and what you’ve done; you’re beautiful girl!!’

Problem dear friend, I don’t know I will ever be able to see me through your eyes or through Robbie’s eyes for that matter.

Dearest Danyelle, I know many will miss you. Hell, look at the mile and half long funeral procession you had, it was magnificent to see how you had touched so many lives in the short time you were on this earth. You touched every heart you came in contact with. Danyelle your spirit is something I dream of having. No matter what the need or what the fighting cause, you were there. Who could tell you no?

Dear sweet, beautiful lady, you touched my life in ways that I never had the guts or words to tell you. Every time I tried to be around you, I screwed it up. Did you know how uncomfortable I was? I didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t want you to see how my horrid life had marred me and how dysfunctional I am around people I admire so much. People Like You!!!

I’m so sorry I never shared this with you while you were here on earth, but some part of me hopes you know and that your magical spirit will find a way to help me become more like you.

Fly free Danyelle!!!

Stay glorious my beautiful friend. You are missed by many, but somehow, I want you to know how much you will be missed by me!!!

Tricia McKnight

Friend, Author, Advocate for the Abused

COMING EVENTS!

Reblogged from Broken Until Spoken:

Annie O'Sullivan, the fabulous Author/Advocate/Speaker is host of her show, 'Can You Hear Me Now' every Friday evening at 9pm e.s.t./ 8pm c.s.t./ 6pm p.s.t. through our Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Talk Radio Programming. Be sure to stay up to date with all her shows along with 'Generation No More' and 'Survivors World' broadcast by clicking on the 'FOLLOW' button on our show's home page, visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery for all information. You can also visit our home website at Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery for links to our show information, resources of help and support from fascinating authors/speakers/writers/orgs & foundations all here to help you find your new beginning in life. Never give up on your dreams, you are so worth the fight!!! Thank you to Annie O for being part of our fastest growing radio programs, with over 11,000 listens in just 9 short weeks - simply fabulous!!!

Why would you just stand there and watch me die?

This blog takes me deep into thought and I wonder about even publishing, but to heal I must see the reality of my world.

You all allowed this to happen!! What the hell did I ever to to you? Then you have the audacity to turn away and abandon not only me, but my children. My family actually damns them because of what our parents created in me. The town of Freeburg, Illinois watched for NINE LONG YEARS as I rotted in the hell of my world. Not a single one of those 1500 citizens ever questioned or urged someone to get involved.

‘Why would you just stand there and watch me die?’

‘My Justice’ is a cold hard look into what you all watched or took part in throughout those many years. Sure there are those who were only children, as I was; still many of those young men enjoyed the whore this man created, but ignored her existence every day.

It is not possible for me to complete my healing until I have processed all the emotions I was forced to bury. The tears I was forced to swallow, the madness I’ve carried and the pain I felt. There was not a single day that I didn’t pray someone would help me. There was not a single night that I didn’t ask God for His mercy to take my out of my nightmare.

‘How am I supposed to deal with all of this now? Should I look back and say they didn’t know what to do or how can I blame them for what my parents did? What would you do if it was you?’

Is it possible that you would see the reflection I see and feel no pain or sadness? My skin is covered with the scars of the rotting infected sores. You remember, the ones you saw on me and made sure your children didn’t associate with me because of what they might catch or what they might be lured into doing? You blamed me and judged me, shunned me and saw a young girl as the village whore. The one your sons were never to date. The one who might infect your child with some skin eating disease. You remember me now? How would you feel if it were you? Would you have allowed this to happen to any other child? How do you see your moral standards now? Is there any remorse for your ignorance?

‘Why would you just stand there and watch me die?’

What would cause you to see me as an object and not a human being in need? Do you see why I have to ask these questions?’

To the school officials and teachers who I had contact with every day; those from Carl L. Barton Middle School during the years of 1974 ‘til 1977 and those of Freeburg Community High School. Although I started school and moved to your town when a very young child just going into third grade with Ms. Boyer, it wasn’t until I was around 11 that things really started getting deadly in my home. Was I really that transparent that you didn’t notice me at all? Seems a bit funny to me since the P. E. teachers and kids would not only avoid any and all physical contact with me, but you made sure to shame me in front of the others. You stared at my filthy unwashed uniform filled with the stench of my unwashed body. You glared at the scabs and flesh eating sores that covered my arms and legs. The girls who I changed clothes with in the gym locker room were horrified at the bruises that often cover my young body. These are my memories of you and I cannot erase my reality.

To the law enforcement; you knew of his alcoholic rage. You knew, around 13 years old (1975 – 1980), that our home was constantly the party house. Almost once a month these parties were nothing but one grown man, one young girl, and at least 5 young boys. You may have even heard all the rumors about the pot that was smoked or the girl offered out like candy. You definitely knew from the kids wandering around outside the home and inside, with cups or cans of beer; the loud music and traffic that concerned the neighbors, but you did nothing. You were not brave enough to do your job and check on the children of this home. When you stopped me out on the street, to either talk or question me, you saw the rotting teeth and in our roasting hot summer days you saw my arms filled with filth and huge sores. You did nothing!! You also knew either by rumor or being told by the bar owners, that he was so dangerous when drinking my mother warned all of the tavern owners to ban him from whiskey completely. However, since they too were afraid of what he might do, they would feed it to him when requested then send him home; knowing there were young children. Remember the little girl who came in to get her mother a pack of cigarettes almost daily. Remember the man that charged his beverages and never paid you back. Remember what you thought of the man?

 How could you just stand there and watch me die?’

For the adult men and family friends who came through my life; you supported my mother and felt pity because of her husband. You looked at her and said, ‘Poor thing, she’s got to put up with so much hell from that man.’ Did you ever once think about the children? As you either came to the adult late night parties, filling a young girl with alcohol so you could feel, probe, toss her around on your laps like a stripper from SoHo; do you remember me now? The child who was forced to walk in front of the entire collection of U. M. W. A. workers at their annual employee union parties, scantily dressed in a bikini he had bought especially for the occasion. Do you recall seeing my broken black teeth, the filth encrusted on my body and the flesh eating decay? Remember I came in last out of the three or four of us daughters who took part, either by modeling desire or like me who had no choice. Do you recall the other girls were then 16 or 17 years old, but me only 13!! Do you recall how you saw him take me into the bars and feed me full with drinks? You chose most often to mix vodka and orange juice so that no one would think of the worst. Do you recall the entertainment you got out of him ordering me to get up and play the juke box and make sure to shake my ass and dance about to entice you? Do you recall him asking many of you to date me, play with me, fuck me?

‘How could you just stand there and watch me die?

I write this and feel the anger boiling in my soul. I know the mix of emotions racing about trying to figure out who to forgive and who to blame. What would you do if it was you? Was I not human to you? Was I not a child? Do you see the many torturing wrongs you allowed by your refusal to intervene? Do you see that when you chose to ignore the screaming, crying child you watched get beaten in the street or passed out like candy, how you abandoned her and deepened the belief she was his object instead of a little girl?

‘How could you stand there and watch me die?’

‘Why did you shun and abandon me?’

‘What am I supposed to do with these memories now?’

What if it were you?

Comment about ‘My Justice’ from my therapist; ‘The entire town of Freeburg should be required to read your book so they can see what they allowed to happen to this beautiful little girl’.

My therapist tells me how wonderful I am, how the horrific childhood didn’t destroy the good loving soul within. She tells me to see the beautiful person she sees, but how do I do that? The pieces of me are torn apart and thrown around in the wind as if merely dust. My heart lies on the side of the road as if a pile of shit left by some creature! How do I grab these pieces of me and mold them back together to see the wonderful, happy child God created?

I feel her strength in me. The child who held on through every night of his disgusting, horrifying, brutal crimes has finally come to the realization that she is a human being and more importantly that she matters. That little girl has found her voice in the midst of all those swirling particles of madness and she speaks to anyone who will listen.

 ‘Please look into the world of the children around you. Look deeply, through the many silent screams; is there darkness or evil around them?’

There are millions of children who are still being harmed today; in this country, right at this very moment! Do not judge them, shame them, abandon them, blame them;. Rescue them, help them, support them, encourage them, inspire them!

 Or, Will you just stand there and watch them die?

Perhaps one day my voice will be heard. Perhaps one day it will matter. More importantly perhaps one day this story will empower you to save the life of a child today!!

~~~~~ Never to be silent again~~~~~

I AM HUMAN! I AM WORTHY! I AM ALIVE!!

©Patricia A. McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’

Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Blogger/Talk Radio Prod & Host

Survivor/Founder: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

Facebook.com/triciagirl62    

Cycles of Abuse–Stop Whispering by triciagirl62

Thank heaven Miss Carrie Underwood says it clearly; ‘Blown Away’ Official video

Official video ‘Blown Away’ by Carrie Underwood

 

My Justice – A Child’s View of Abuse

My Justice – A Child’s View of Abuse.

Fascinating March Guest Line Up for Talk Radio Show

Butterfly Dreams Talk Radio & Abuse Recovery

March Guests

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

Our phones are always open and our chatroom always busy

Come see what these shows are all about

Not just another abuse talk radio program!!!

(347)215-7754

March Premier Supporter: Ms. El Farris

Friends is it always so exciting to put a month of fabulous guests on our shows. This month is no exception. We are very happy to bring you a POSITIVE ENERGY FILLED MONTH with outstanding guests. We have educators, support group facilitator, fighter for protection of all children, healthy positive ways to heal your inner being no matter what trauma you have suffered. Join in with me for Monday’s broadcast of ‘Generation No More’ and with my awesome co-host, Michal Madison, on Wednesdays for ‘Survivors World’!! It is sure to be another uplifting, informative, and empowering month! You can also join in EVERY FRIDAY EVENING for ‘Can You Hear Me Now’ w/ host Annie O’Sullivan & Kelly Behr

Watch for the FACEBOOK EVENT INVITATIONS & SPECIAL RADIO LINKS to be shared through Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest, and Linkedin. Also join in our Butterfly Dreams Talk Radio & Abuse Recovery Open Group to share your special blog, book, or advocacy to end abuse and/or family/relationship violence.

Monday, March 4thSvava Brooks – Ms. Brooks is a Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Educator; Founder of ‘Speak4Change.com’. She has taken her own recovery and help create a healing journey for all who’ve been affected by this cruelty. She is a Peer to Peer support group facilitator for adult survivors of child sexual abuse, as well as educator through TAALK and a Darkeness to Light facilitator of their prevention programs.

Wednesday, March 6thJanet Nestor –Founder of Mindful Pathways, Ms. Nestor is a Meditation/Relaxation Therapy professional. She is also an Author, Energy Psychology, Soul Detective, Director of Center of Well Being. Janet is going to share her newly published book, ‘Nurturing Wellness through Radical Self-Care – A Living in Balance Guide and Workbook’. This is a tool all of us recovering from any form of trauma or illness can use to gain back the balance and well being in our life.

Monday, March 11thEL Farris – Author of ‘Ripple – A Tale of Hope & Redemption’ and ex-corporate lawyer, turned advocate for the abused. El Farris is our Premier Supporter for the programs throughout the month of March and is a strong believer in spirituality, philosophy and gains her therapy in running. She is also a writer/blogger to help us see how we can make out way out of the darkness. When you hear and read this incredible story of a child sexual abuse survivor, who was able to escape and find her happiness it will indeed empower you to believe in the possibility of life after abuse. You can read the many fabulous writings of this author/advocate at ‘Running from Hell with El’

Monday, March 18thPeter Thomas SeneseBest Selling Geo-Political Author, Founder/Director I CARE Foundation, Mr. Senese is not just a dear personal friend, but he is an amazing rescuer and fighter for children. His foundation combines research on International Parental Child Abduction and has been a key player in the fight to toughen travel laws for children outside of the U.S. through land, air, and sea. His fight to return his own son from being kidnapped to another country and inspired not only a fabulous book, ‘Chasing the Cyclone’ but was the entire backbone for building the I CARE Foundation, rescuing children around the world and fighting to end child trafficking. It is truly a great honor to bring him to a special broadcast of Monday’s ‘Generation No More’ radio broadcast.

Wednesday, March 20thYvonne Rousseau Speaker, Consultant, Author, Singer/Songwriter, Private Investigator. As a Sexual Abuse Recovery Consultant, Yvonne brings over twenty years of combined experience in Victim Advocacy, Sexual Violation recovery, law enforcement, and Case Manager at a private prison. Her desire is to share her knowledge and expertise with victims who seek healing, support people who require guidance, awareness for law enforcement and judicial officials, and education for agencies, churches, schools, universities, and society at-large. Also, Ms. Rousseau is author of ‘Beyond Myself Recovery’, which is a program including an educational book, a music CD and an Interactive Workbook designed for anyone who has been affected by a sexual violation.

Monday, March 25thEva Tenter – Positive thinking & Mental Health advocate, Ms. Tenter has enlightened my day through many of her positive uplifting shares on her blog site, ‘Power of Positive Thoughts’. She is an ex-lawyer who suffered from Eating Disorders, Anxiety, Panic, and Depression. Through her journey of spirituality and healing she has now created this very uplifting Estonian reality TV series, ‘Journey to Yourself’ and is featured in the February 2013 issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Wednesday March 27th – Ms. EL Farris – comes back to join in a broadcast of ‘Survivors World’ sharing her personal journey and her belief in the positive side of life after abuse with our many listeners and survivors who join in.

Remember, with help, support, friendship; we can all climb out of the darkness of our cocoons and soar to a life filled with new beginnings. We hope you will continue to share and support our programs. We have reached over 9000 listeners in our first eight weeks. This is simply because of each and every one of you!!! Our team would like to share our most sincere appreciation. In this small gesture you make it possible to reach into the hearts of many who are trapped in the silence of these cruelties or whose families are trying to cope with some form of abuse and/or violence. The CDC has stated, on average 1 in 4 homes is dealing with some form of these actions. We can learn to be a source of support and recommend them to services or resources to help provide education, family intervention, healing for survivors. We can all play a part in giving our children a better, safer world when we become part of the active equation to protect them.

Thank you,

© Patricia A. McKnight

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Author; ‘My Justice’

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

 

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