Would not wish this battle of happiness on anyone……
Many times when we are left broken by the actions of those we love, we seem to get lost in the pain of it all. There are days when we wake with a huge weight of memories that challenge our ability to smile and keep on going.
“After all, isn’t this what the general society expects of us all? So what, you were beaten, bullied, molested, raped, threatened, controlled; who cares, RIGHT? They say things like; ‘Get on with life’ or ‘So what it’s only sex, you do it all the time. What’s the problem?”
Let me share with you what the ‘PROBLEM’ might be. How about if you close your eyes for about 5 minutes and pretend you are a child; remember the light spirit of catching fireflies in a jar. Then I would like for you to imagine your father (just using the pseudonym as an example); your father’s hands are touching you and suddenly through a quick flash of memory he is on top of you and you feel a burning pain rip through you like a red fury of fire. You hold your breath and turn your head. He’s grunting and telling you what a good child you are and how this is something that is supposed to be done.
All you can think of is how much it hurts!!! You want it to be over, you want him to quit. You have tried to tell your mom, but she simply turns away and ignores your words. You show your dysfunction brought on by the violation of it all; sometimes it comes out in rocked emotions other times through our reactions and actions as we go through life. You’re not allowed to share this ugly secret and you try to figure out why it makes you feel so worthless and ugly. You know that others won’t understand and your friends at school talk about sex like it is just something you do.
“Are they having sex with their parent too? Do they get beat up when the dishes aren’t clean, the laundry’s mess, or just because (HE) is drunk and angry? Do they feel like they don’t matter to anyone at all?”
As you grow up you carry all of this baggage with you. There can be many ‘PROBLEMS’ that you start to see. You may be falling in love with everyone or no one. You may look in the mirror and think about how disgusting you are, or that no one wants you, or no one ever treats you like a decent human being. You stress out easily at work because you have to make sure everything is done with perfection. Sometimes, if you are using an addiction such as alcohol, marijuana, or even food to help get through those shattering moments; you may have problems with being sober at work or high. You may sit at home all by your lonesome and drink or eat until you just can’t drink or eat any longer. You may try to be active in other things, such as taking care of your kids, your family, keeping up with friends, and believe it or not you may even find yourself clinging to your parents, or even the one who violated you. You feel like you need these connections because you want to be loved; to be wanted, appreciated for the good in you, but no matter how hard you try sometimes you just can’t make it through the day without a break down.
Artwork via: Michal Madison Art
http://www.michalmadisonart.com
Each morning is a new challenge for you. When your eyes open you find yourself once again back in the circle of LIFE AFTER ABUSE!!! It’s ugly as hell and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all. It’s not nice to wake up without a smile for the one you love lying next to you. It’s not nice to be sad all the time and worried about how people will see you ‘Will they see past your veil of secrets?’
We all have some form of burden or trouble we carry sometimes, but the brutal acts and personally violating evils of these crimes is something so deep and so troublesome that even our therapists, support groups, family & friends have difficulty accepting our struggle, understanding the impacts of PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Doubt, Constant Fear of Rejection, the need for Perfection so intense that we don’t have time to enjoy those quiet times of sunshine and flowers or the belly laughter of our children.
We can only hope to help the survivors of these acts when we accept these abuses happened within our homes; the place where we should feel SAFE from the dangers of the world can often be the MOST DANGEROUS.
Remember there are many homes where one parent is not as dangerous as the other. Maybe that other parent doesn’t hear our silent screams for rescue, but maybe they don’t beat and hold you captive. Also there is the ugly truth that these processes of acceptance and silence move forward from one generation in our circle of life to another. Then these acts (CRIMINAL ACTS) are done by the person we marry, the person we choose to have as our lover, friend, companion; the person we share the intimacy with on a regular basis. We believe we can depend on this person to help us through, but instead (especially single moms who have been harmed as children) we continue to fall into the whirlwind romances and find ourselves living with what we have been taught is so ‘NORMAL’ to us. Something we know doesn’t happen in every household, but it definitely happens a lot and for some reason it seems to always happen to us. Those who live in misguided boundaries and beliefs all because of the daily, weekly, decades of brutality and degradation, personal violation and threat to our lives as our everyday perception of life.
You will find us then trying to cope with all of the horrific truths we carry.
How would you get through your day as a Survivor on the path to Freedom from Abuse?
© Patricia A. McKnight
Author/Advocate/Speaker/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor
Founder; Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming
http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery
Author: ‘My Justice’
Available through most online book resources!! ![]()
Child Maltreatment Report FFY 2011
Child Maltreatment Report FFY 2011.
Please tell me why this is not a crucial point of attention!
Child Abuse Prevention & Sexual Assault Awareness
So I’m a bit angry; why you might ask?
There is actually a couple of answers to this question.
1) Another year has come and gone in which not a single politician or lawmaker who has the power to call attention to the ongoing Child Abuse and Family Violence within our society has been willing to make it a public issue.
2) April is upon us and although there are many great events planned throughout this special month, the problem I have comes down to this;
Why in the hell do we not honor Sexual Assault Awareness Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month with their own specific month?
This is a topic I briefly addressed last night on Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Talk Radio and one I will share more with you today.
You see it bothers me that we don’t feel these two issues are worthy of having their own special month, so we join them together and address the issue as a whole rather than in the honor they so very much deserve.
As a survivor of both very horrific child physical, emotional, neglectful, and sexual abuse, which also included exploitation and trafficking within my own small hometown community; I’m also a RAPE SURVIVOR!! (Of course there are also the 20 years spent living in almost deadly relationship violence in my lifetime as well)
In our society we have problems talking about the crimes of family violence, child sexual abuse, molestation and the like. For some reason it is something we still consciously choose to keep in the dark; whisper about but don’t accept publicly. This is an outrage because of the millions, estimated at some 40 to 60 million, who are survivors now living and struggling with the aftermath and trying to be accepted in society. However, to be accepted we must not speak of what’s happened in our past. We mustn’t discuss the dark family secrets simply because of the shame it could bring to the family dynasty. REALLY?
How good are the morals of that so called dynasty if we are raping and beating; torturing our children? What is the quality of mankind’s decency if we are forcing survivors of these most vicious and heinous acts to remain silent and fear public and family abandonment? Why is it still so the norm to put the blame of these acts against children who could not defend themselves nor run from their attacker?
These same ugly secrets and fears apply to those who have been raped as adults. However, I will say the response to admitting you are a rape victim is a bit more tender than that of a childhood rape survivor. I truly do not understand this on any level!!!
Our society and our justice system has shown that we still blame the rape victim, no matter how old they are. This was seen just recently in the Steubenville, Ohio rape trial. However, as we’ve also seen, the community has rallied around the victim and let her know she is not in this alone. We are outraged by the minimal sentencing of these perpetrators and the lack of prosecuting those who witnessed, recorded, and posted pictures and discussions about the young men carrying this victim because she was too drunk to walk. We are talking to our kids about the right and wrong of this and I’ve seen many great articles and blogs written from various survivors and others.
Please do not take me wrong, I am most definitely 100% behind the victims whose cases of gang rape and various other attacks have come to our public attention lately. Thank goodness we are beginning to rally behind them rather than turn away.
I ask you though;
What in the hell is so different about these cases of rape we’ve heard about lately and those who are coming forward about the childhood filled with years of brutal attacks of rape, trafficking, and truly physical torture beyond the darkest of imagination?
Also, permit me to add, we rally behind and acknowledge the many long term issues of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Anxiety and more which our war heroes and the recent public rape victims are left to carry. There are continuously more and more psychologists and others with organizations such as National Institute of Mental Health and our Center for Disease Control and Prevention who have conducted studies on the after effects of both war and sexual assault. These studies have concluded that the trauma of both of these life threatening personal situations and attacks leave the same lasting emotional scars.
On this note;
How do you think these lasting effects of trauma and life threatening attacks impact the lives of the many childhood rape survivors today? What is the big difference between supporting and gathering our voices for the war heroes and veterans, the recent rape victims and others, verses the many millions of child rape and abuse survivors who are still forced to hide in the shadows of our society? How is this right on any level of our decency?
The day will come when we can begin to change the acts of abuse and violence within our homes. It will become a force to be reckoned with as we begin to support those who are sharing their stories today. The problem however, is that it’s not happening fast enough for the many millions of children who are living in the hell now!! The recent collection of Child Maltreatment Reports from the nationwide Child Protective Services; shows a grand total of 3,734,012 reports of child abuses reported in 2011. This is just one year. The Federal Children’s Bureau is presently looking at reports collected from 2007 through 2011 to update our present statistics shared, which were collected and officially reported in 1996.
If we cannot recognize the very importance of this issue and address it head on as a joined and united society, then what are we passing on to our children? Are we showing them we care and want them to have the best if we still are not willing to acknowledge the severity of the issues and how prevalent the acts of abuse and violence truly are in the homes around us?
I understand that by acknowledging the voices from the past we have to accept what we may have witnessed and allowed to exist. We have to accept that some of mankind’s darkest attacks on others happen within our own homes or within those homes of our neighbors. We have to accept that we may have heard the screams for mercy or the horrific cries of a child and did nothing. We have to accept that mothers and fathers, brothers, sisters and close family friends have all seen or been party to these heinous acts, but stood by and did nothing for these children. It’s a lot to accept and I get that, truly I do. I am one of those many who had an entire community, school system, law enforcement, family friends, school mates and others who all witnessed, took part in, or knew of the many attacks from my stepfather. They also watched as I physically rotted away in the disfiguring neglect because of my mother’s lack of even the slightest of human kindness or caring for this one specific daughter.
It’s an ugly situation we are faced with, but we must absolutely act on it now. This month of April; this dedicated month for Sexual Assault Awareness and Child Abuse Prevention cannot be another dismissed month without the attention of our politicians, lawmakers, and those in our society with the power to change our laws and create a stronger united front of education and prevention on these issues. Those who have the power to rescue our kids. Those in our communities who know these families living in this type of hell and do nothing;
WE ABSOLUTELY NEED EVERYONE ON THIS NOW!!! OUR CHILDREN LIVES, THEIR FUTURE, THEIR WELL BEING, THEIR HOPE FOR LIVING SAFE IN THIS WORLD; ABSOLUTELY DEPENDS ON US ACCEPTING ALL OF THESE UGLY TRUTHS AND RALLYING BEHIND THE MANY VOICES SPEAKING TO EDUCATE AND ELIGHTEN US ON THE HELL OF BEING ONE OF THESE CHILDHOOD NIGHTMARE SURVIVORS!!
If we continue to wear our blinders and pretend not to notice how many are being harmed every single moment of every single day, then we will never be able to stop this horrific man-made cancer that is eating away at the very soul of our existence as a human race. It is crucial that the topic of child abuse and family violence become a common discussion and one that we all are willing to address. It is no longer about what has happened to so many of us or how ugly these acts are, but more instead about how we can learn to be aware of these truths, support these victims and survivors, help provide resources and recovery systems for families and victims, as well to speak to each and every school system and child about the voice they have and how to use it to protect someone they feel is in danger of an attack within their own home.
It is a horrible truth to accept and discuss, but what is the outcome if we continue on the path we are today? Simply put, it will continue. Sure we are a society that is slowly becoming more vigilant about what we see and hear around us, but we are nowhere near where we should be on this issue. What is so damn difficult about this? Why don’t our politicians and lawmakers address this in their speeches and their election platforms?
Why is it so taboo to say: I am a childhood rape survivor?
Isn’t the nurturing and overall safety of our children an issue that all of us in society can rally around today? Tell me please what is the difference between understanding the danger within our homes, supporting those who have gone through decades of self destructive and sometimes suicidal endings; when will we be strong enough to accept our faults, push aside our generational teachings of silence, and finally step up to the plate to defend each and every child from the evil that lurks within their home?
As much as I hope this write up catches the attention of every human being, it is simply my prayer that we will learn to accept what’s happened in our past and use it as an education towards what we need to end in their future!!!
Please do something now and make the issue of child abuse and family violence prevention a topic which all of us can share over a cup of coffee or during lunch with a friend. We can do this and teach our kids there is no shame in being an abuse survivor. Instead, there is hope and great courage in using your voice to speak out and seek help!!
Thank you for reading and I do hope you’ll share!!
© Patricia A. McKnight
Author: ‘My Justice’
Advocate/Speaker/Talk Radio Prod. & Host/Survivor
Founder: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery
http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62
Artwork courtesy of: Michal Madison Art
Surviving, living, believing, achieving; Healing from Abuse!!
Reblogged from survivorsjustice:
Posted Nov. 13,2012
It was another restless night of haunting memories and emotions!!
Its been awhile since I've posted a blog, but there are some things that are rushing around in my head this morning, actually they've been swimming around in there since yesterday afternoon.
Yesterday, as I was online building the information on the new website, a phone call comes into my cell about 2pm; it's a programmed number which should have still been blocked, so not sure the how or why she was able to get through.
A Letter to an Angel…..Dearest Danyelle;
Wishing I could be like you……
You’re beautiful you know. When I first met you and we shared those first cheers together, we rode on the wagon through town in the biker parade. I didn’t know how to talk to you. I was afraid I’d say or do something that would cause you to see me as unacceptable.
Your spirit was amazing. Such a beauty you carried. In truth, your confidence and astonishing smile intimidated me. From the very first time we spent together I questioned,
Why can’t I be more like her?
You loved so openly and you saw beauty in absolutely everything. You allowed yourself to be free in every glorious way. How do you do this?
Every time I was around you, I was simply amazed by you. You know the hayride we shared, when Robbie and I had just recently started hanging around the area again? Not sure if you know how excited I was to share the fun with you, but of course the wuss I am; tequila rose didn’t allow me to make it very far on the ride. So sorry I passed out in your lap dear friend. Thank you though for taking good care of me. Truly appreciate it my friend.
You probably felt I was secretly bi-sexual, especially the night I walked mesmerized smelling your perfume, lol!!! I’m not girl, you were an idle to me and I know I never said those words to you. Perhaps you would have understood me better if I could have said what I can only write to you now?
You see, it’s too late for me to tell you what I saw in you. How the love you openly shared of everything in life, is something I could only dream of doing. Your beauty, your smile, your laughter, your kindness; it all intimidated me. I know if you knew this you’d give me a hug, buy me a shot and tell me, ‘Don’t be silly Trish. Look at what you do and what you’ve done; you’re beautiful girl!!’
Problem dear friend, I don’t know I will ever be able to see me through your eyes or through Robbie’s eyes for that matter.
Dearest Danyelle, I know many will miss you. Hell, look at the mile and half long funeral procession you had, it was magnificent to see how you had touched so many lives in the short time you were on this earth. You touched every heart you came in contact with. Danyelle your spirit is something I dream of having. No matter what the need or what the fighting cause, you were there. Who could tell you no?
Dear sweet, beautiful lady, you touched my life in ways that I never had the guts or words to tell you. Every time I tried to be around you, I screwed it up. Did you know how uncomfortable I was? I didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t want you to see how my horrid life had marred me and how dysfunctional I am around people I admire so much. People Like You!!!
I’m so sorry I never shared this with you while you were here on earth, but some part of me hopes you know and that your magical spirit will find a way to help me become more like you.
Fly free Danyelle!!!
Stay glorious my beautiful friend. You are missed by many, but somehow, I want you to know how much you will be missed by me!!!
Tricia McKnight
Friend, Author, Advocate for the Abused
COMING EVENTS!
Fascinating March Guest Line Up for Talk Radio Show
Butterfly Dreams Talk Radio & Abuse Recovery
March Guests
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery
Our phones are always open and our chatroom always busy
Come see what these shows are all about
Not just another abuse talk radio program!!!
(347)215-7754
March Premier Supporter: Ms. El Farris
Friends is it always so exciting to put a month of fabulous guests on our shows. This month is no exception. We are very happy to bring you a POSITIVE ENERGY FILLED MONTH with outstanding guests. We have educators, support group facilitator, fighter for protection of all children, healthy positive ways to heal your inner being no matter what trauma you have suffered. Join in with me for Monday’s broadcast of ‘Generation No More’ and with my awesome co-host, Michal Madison, on Wednesdays for ‘Survivors World’!! It is sure to be another uplifting, informative, and empowering month! You can also join in EVERY FRIDAY EVENING for ‘Can You Hear Me Now’ w/ host Annie O’Sullivan & Kelly Behr
Watch for the FACEBOOK EVENT INVITATIONS & SPECIAL RADIO LINKS to be shared through Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest, and Linkedin. Also join in our Butterfly Dreams Talk Radio & Abuse Recovery Open Group to share your special blog, book, or advocacy to end abuse and/or family/relationship violence.
Monday, March 4th – Svava Brooks – Ms. Brooks is a Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Educator; Founder of ‘Speak4Change.com’. She has taken her own recovery and help create a healing journey for all who’ve been affected by this cruelty. She is a Peer to Peer support group facilitator for adult survivors of child sexual abuse, as well as educator through TAALK and a Darkeness to Light facilitator of their prevention programs.
Wednesday, March 6th – Janet Nestor –Founder of Mindful Pathways, Ms. Nestor is a Meditation/Relaxation Therapy professional. She is also an Author, Energy Psychology, Soul Detective, Director of Center of Well Being. Janet is going to share her newly published book, ‘Nurturing Wellness through Radical Self-Care – A Living in Balance Guide and Workbook’. This is a tool all of us recovering from any form of trauma or illness can use to gain back the balance and well being in our life.
Monday, March 11th – EL Farris – Author of ‘Ripple – A Tale of Hope & Redemption’ and ex-corporate lawyer, turned advocate for the abused. El Farris is our Premier Supporter for the programs throughout the month of March and is a strong believer in spirituality, philosophy and gains her therapy in running. She is also a writer/blogger to help us see how we can make out way out of the darkness. When you hear and read this incredible story of a child sexual abuse survivor, who was able to escape and find her happiness it will indeed empower you to believe in the possibility of life after abuse. You can read the many fabulous writings of this author/advocate at ‘Running from Hell with El’
Monday, March 18th – Peter Thomas Senese – Best Selling Geo-Political Author, Founder/Director I CARE Foundation, Mr. Senese is not just a dear personal friend, but he is an amazing rescuer and fighter for children. His foundation combines research on International Parental Child Abduction and has been a key player in the fight to toughen travel laws for children outside of the U.S. through land, air, and sea. His fight to return his own son from being kidnapped to another country and inspired not only a fabulous book, ‘Chasing the Cyclone’ but was the entire backbone for building the I CARE Foundation, rescuing children around the world and fighting to end child trafficking. It is truly a great honor to bring him to a special broadcast of Monday’s ‘Generation No More’ radio broadcast.
Wednesday, March 20th – Yvonne Rousseau – Speaker, Consultant, Author, Singer/Songwriter, Private Investigator. As a Sexual Abuse Recovery Consultant, Yvonne brings over twenty years of combined experience in Victim Advocacy, Sexual Violation recovery, law enforcement, and Case Manager at a private prison. Her desire is to share her knowledge and expertise with victims who seek healing, support people who require guidance, awareness for law enforcement and judicial officials, and education for agencies, churches, schools, universities, and society at-large. Also, Ms. Rousseau is author of ‘Beyond Myself Recovery’, which is a program including an educational book, a music CD and an Interactive Workbook designed for anyone who has been affected by a sexual violation.
Monday, March 25th – Eva Tenter – Positive thinking & Mental Health advocate, Ms. Tenter has enlightened my day through many of her positive uplifting shares on her blog site, ‘Power of Positive Thoughts’. She is an ex-lawyer who suffered from Eating Disorders, Anxiety, Panic, and Depression. Through her journey of spirituality and healing she has now created this very uplifting Estonian reality TV series, ‘Journey to Yourself’ and is featured in the February 2013 issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine.
Wednesday March 27th – Ms. EL Farris – comes back to join in a broadcast of ‘Survivors World’ sharing her personal journey and her belief in the positive side of life after abuse with our many listeners and survivors who join in.
Remember, with help, support, friendship; we can all climb out of the darkness of our cocoons and soar to a life filled with new beginnings. We hope you will continue to share and support our programs. We have reached over 9000 listeners in our first eight weeks. This is simply because of each and every one of you!!! Our team would like to share our most sincere appreciation. In this small gesture you make it possible to reach into the hearts of many who are trapped in the silence of these cruelties or whose families are trying to cope with some form of abuse and/or violence. The CDC has stated, on average 1 in 4 homes is dealing with some form of these actions. We can learn to be a source of support and recommend them to services or resources to help provide education, family intervention, healing for survivors. We can all play a part in giving our children a better, safer world when we become part of the active equation to protect them.
Thank you,
© Patricia A. McKnight
Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
Author; ‘My Justice’
http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com




