The Love of the Mother

Many times I have written about the scars of my abuse; the “trained” behaviors that I was taught as a child. It is very hard to explain the depths of these scars because there was such an extensive amount of damage done by my parents. They were the people responsible for teaching me the right and wrongs of the world; the right way to present yourself as a decent person to others, however there was no sense of decency in our home. In fact, my home was poor with no respect for each other in our family.

The natures I was taught were of drinking at 11 with my stepfather supplying the alcohol for parties as he got my mother out of the house, but later I paid the price by having to endure his disgusting touch on my body. There was barely any food at times and if we were lucky there might be toilet paper when you went to the bathroom; if not just use whatever towel was lying around on the floor. This wasn’t because we didn’t have a decent income in our home, because my stepfather was a coal miner in the 70’s and my mother a bartender. As many people know the coal mining trade has always been a good paying job and I know from experience what a bartender can make in just a weekend of work. We had three children in the home, but even though they both worked the alcohol took most of the funds that came in. Often the rent couldn’t be paid and we would have to move every couple of years until I was about 13 and they bought a small, cheap house through a friend. A home where all of the children slept in one bedroom and the parents in another.

As a child I was always taught that my wants, needs, feelings did not matter. All that mattered in my home was that I did my job as family care taker; cooking, cleaning, babysitting, and dealing with my stepfather’s sadistic behavior. This had always been my life and I didn’t know any other way, except what I would watch on television after my sister was put to bed at night and if my stepfather was too drunk to attack me. At the age of 12 I had to quit bathing in my home because that meant leaving myself trapped and vulnerable to my stepfather’s attacks. It never mattered if my mother was home, sitting in the next room or downstairs, nothing stopped him from coming in the bathroom to tell me how to bathe, what and how to wash my body. After I had no success at getting my mother to stop him I chose to quit bathing altogether.

The next five years were spent growing up in this terrorizing childhood. No one cared that I didn’t bathe, in fact they would tell me how disgusting I was, but no one protected me either. As my young body started to decay with the filth and infected sores eating at my flesh, there were never any doctor visits to get help for my rotting skin. As my teeth were breaking off and huge black holes growing in my mouth, there were never any dentist visits or even the supply of a toothbrush. It wasn’t that we didn’t have family insurance; the UMWA supplied complete family medical and dental care, my parents just didn’t care to get me any help. The only thing my mother cared about was that her house was cleaned, dinner cooked, dishes done, my sister watched and my stepfather was kept away from her. The one person who should have done everything possible to protect and love her daughter; the person who should have taught me about being a young lady and having dreams to better myself and respecting myself, instead turned me away and allowed the sadistic abuse to continue. The filth that had grown over my body invaded my soul and created a person that I am still ashamed of to this day.

After I escaped the disgusting hell of my parents home I promised myself that I would be different. I became obsessive about not only my body’s cleanliness but also of the home in which I lived. There was nothing that was allowed to get dirty and I tried to recreate the person they had raised. My first domestic relationship turned out instead to be just another cage of violence against me even though I had done everything that I could to change the person I was. By the time I was 19 the abuses of my life had left me horribly scarred inside and out. My skin was covered with the deep scars left by the rotting flesh; my teeth broken and filled with black holes both in the front and back of my mouth. I learned to smile and use my top lip to hide the huge holes that had eaten away at my four front incisors. To me my reflection is what I hated more than those who had created me. All that I saw was a girl eaten away by the abuses of her past.

Even though I carried these scars I hid them well from anyone’s view. It wasn’t possible for me to allow them to see the person I had been. I had to convince myself and the outside world that I was a decent, kind, respectable person who had grown up with values when in fact the only thing I knew for sure was that I didn’t matter to anyone. Then I met a man who would give me a chance of dreaming that I could be someone better than who I had been. As he and I grew to love each other I would be tossed in the middle of two different worlds; one of which was filled with nightmares & filth, the other highly respected with money and decency. David didn’t know how deep the scars were, but he didn’t seem to care. He showed me only love at first, but of course this would last only until we married and left the area I called home.

He was military so right after we married he left to set up house in our new place of duty, England. It would be three months before I could go over to join him and the man who picked me up from the airport was not the same man I had married. It wasn’t that he was physically abusive, instead his entire demeanor had changed. This man who had met me while sitting drunk at the bar every night had now become this vision of his family; highly respectable and expecting of my appropriate behavior. Unfortunately I was pregnant and our fist child was due within just a few months of arriving. There wasn’t much I could do but hope that it would work out for the best and our children would be happy.

When my son was born there was something that had changed inside me. I wanted to be the perfect mother; loving, affectionate, protective and doting. Everything about becoming a mother thrilled me. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to give him the best of his mother. He was teaching me how to be a decent human being, but the scars of my abuse would never heal. I had been taught that my feelings didn’t matter, so even though I didn’t much care for the way our household was being ruled into perfection there was never a word of that shared with my husband. I felt that my unhappiness with him would only bring pain to my son and destroy his perfect home.

The next four years were spent trying to hide everything I disliked about our marriage and no matter what my husband expected of me, his needs and desires would always be met. I was the perfect housewife and mother; I had taught myself that this was my new life; for my son, and my new baby girl, it was worth any sacrifice to keep them happy, loved, and safe. Their father was a good provider although there wasn’t much of his attention that he gave to his family. His focus was on what was good for his career and he would achieve that goal at any price. When we were preparing to come back to the states and our tour of duty in England was coming to an end, he walked in the door one evening and as he sat down at the prepared dinner table he simply stated, “We are going to the Netherlands for another 18 month tour.” There was no discussion about this, in fact I didn’t even know he was thinking about doing this. We had only discussed going state side again and getting stationed around his family so that our children could get to know their grandparents and grow up in a stable home. Now out of nowhere he was taking us to a country where we couldn’t even speak the language. To me this was devastating. I was already growing more depressed with each of the lonely days spent in England.

Our whole marriage began to disintegrate with this one decision he had made. All I wanted was to raise my children in a home where they wouldn’t have to keep moving around; leaving friends and everything they knew with each new place. Their father had taken my dreams, which we had talked about many times together, and shattered them in front of me. My only choice was to follow him, be with him and keep my family together. His goals for his career began to cloud the dreams of his family, but in his “all about me” attitude this did not matter. When we arrived in Holland, the Netherlands, my children and I were so desperately trying to find stable ground to regroup and put our family back together.

We spent 14 of the 18 month tour over there with him, but I was just going through the motions of the marriage. The man I trusted to honor my wishes and hold our dreams together had thrown all of it away for a move to better his career in the military and put my family in danger. The entire area was on high risk alert of terrorist attacks from the bombing of Grenada. The searches and constant sirens of preparedness would push me deeper into isolation and depression. As I spent my days spotlessly cleaning my house, baking, cooking, sharing time with my children; the depression would just continue to grow. Their father never said a word or questioned what was wrong as I cut off my hair within inches of my scalp; shutting myself away from anything except running errands with my kids and doing the best a wife and mother could do. He didn’t seem to care that the woman he supposedly loved was falling apart right before his eyes. He went into work each day with perfectly ironed uniforms and our life on the outside met all of the expected behaviors of the perfect military family, but I was the one who was sacrificing all of myself for that image he demanded.

After 14 months I begged him to send the kids and I back early to visit with my family, which I now desperately missed my mother and wanted only to be around people I knew again. It took a lot of debate, but he finally gave in and with that four months of distance between us our marriage would fall apart and end in our first divorce. He had no problems with agreeing to my having custody of our children. He had no problems with me keeping them in the town I had grown up in and around the people I had grown up with. He was moving on with his career and he didn’t much worry about spending any time for visits with them. When he had authorized leave it was spent elsewhere and not by coming to see his children or even calling them; but of course they were still babies then. He didn’t seem to worry about the care they were getting because he knew how devoted I was to them and how much they meant to my survival as a person, but six months later when I had attempted suicide I was concerned about myself for the first time in my life.

Living back around my parents was more of a nightmare than I had expected it to be. My stepfather stalked me and would hang out where I worked, inviting every man in the bar to screw his daughter and tell him all of the details. He would stalk around my house at night and then offered to supply me with assistance in finances, but only at the same price I had paid as a child. Everything about the person I had tried to create was falling apart inside me. The perfect mother and wife I had been was now grasping at every string to hang on each day. The house was still clean, my children still well cared for; but I was being drawn back into the bar life of late nights out drinking and smoking weed. This is the person I didn’t want my children to know. They were sweet, loving and innocent and they deserved only the very best of childhood. Inside I didn’t feel capable of giving them that person any longer and one night I downed about 80 mg of valium by chasing it with a half bottle of tequila. It struck me that my children would wake and be alone until God only knows when someone would check in on us; so I called a friend to come help me save my life and went to see my first therapist two days later.

It was then that I called their father to come and take them until I could go back to school and get the education I needed to better support them. He hadn’t even called since the divorce, but I knew that he would protect them until I could better myself and get them back. However; when my babies left a few days later I completely fell apart and could no longer function or even think about how to begin over without them. It led me to calling their father, apologizing for ruining our marriage and begging him to take me back. At that point I would have done anything to be back around my children. Inside I felt desperate to get away from the parents that had destroyed the person I should have become. Their dad was setting up life in Maryland and quickly he accepted me back as his wife, but of course that came with the high expectations of perfection. I still had not gotten the much-needed therapy and healing, because when I had gone to the first appointment and talked in front of my mother about the abuses I had been taught to accept, she turned on me; slapped me and told me if I talked about the family in that manner again she would make sure that I was shut out completely. For whatever reason, my mother was the one person I couldn’t go against.

Reuniting with my children after that six weeks apart was the most exciting thing in my world. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do to keep their world safe, happy and perfect. I went back into the arms of a man I no longer trusted and felt our love would somehow heal. Quickly I became pregnant with our third and we once again shared the vows of marriage. In my heart I didn’t know if I could truly pull this off again, but I was desperate to try. During my pregnancy I went back to get my G.E.D. and then on to trade school for a degree in business management and accounting. I carried my still broken teeth and my scarred skin, along with the deep emotional wounds that had never healed, and went back to being the perfect wife and mother. My children were my world and each day was beautiful so long as they were in it.

Unfortunately it didn’t take long for the marriage to start to change. Once again his actions were turning my stomach and it was all I could do to get in bed with him each night. My degree was useless at this point because the cost of daycare was more than I would start on a pay scale. When our finances began to struggle I offered to go back to bartending part-time so I could earn the extra money we needed. As I got back into working a couple of nights a week and started making friends with some of the wives that came into the bar; they began inviting me along for girls night out. At first I would call to get permission to go out after work, being sure to ask if the kids were sleeping soundly before I agreed to go along. Then it became a regular routine, but my husband would begin to demand his needs be met at home. His actions were becoming more and more perverted towards me; treating me like I didn’t matter and calling me his whore in bed as he made love with me. This all came to a close one night when a handsome young bouncer swept me up for the evening and I cheated on the man waiting at home. That one night; that night that I became the person my parents had created; that night has never been forgiven in my own soul. It was that one night that changed everything in my children’s world.

Their father kicked me out of the house, stole my children and left the state with them. He packed up the three bedroom townhouse filled with eight years of collecting together and my entire world was gone. My drunken, stupid decision to allow myself to be taken in by the man who seemed so kind, would turn out to be the biggest mistake of my life. It not only left me abandoned in a state far from anything I knew with nothing but a basket of clothing, but that would be the destruction of the happy, innocent children I knew. Their father would fill their heads with horrible tales of their mother not wanting them; not loving them; leaving them for someone else more important. When I moved to the state where he was staying with his parents; arriving with my basket of clothes in a 10ft U-haul and $30.00 in my pocket, I had no clue how I was going to survive or what I would do, but I was there for one reason and that was to be around my children with the dream of getting them back in my arms.

He was furious that I had arrived only 3 miles from his parents home. As I started to build a life there he asked me to come back for a third try at our marriage, but it infuriated me that he would even think I would go that round after he had stolen my children and filled their heads with his lies. He had refused any contact with them for six months, even though I would drive the four hours to see them before I finally moved to chase after them. I didn’t have the confidence in myself at first to think I could survive with them on my own, but I knew that I couldn’t live without them in my life so I chased him to Pennsylvania and started putting a life together from absolutely nothing. It didn’t take long before he was willing to bring the kids for visits on my days off, but when I turned him down that night all bets were off. He became the vindictive man who I always known and the threats against my life would come with calls in the middle of the night. He would tell me, “Bitch you are only still alive because I am a nice person. At any time they could find your body floating down the Allegheny river.”

For four years I watched as he would beat my children leaving handprints on their cheeks or bloody noses for bickering with each other. I would repeatedly take him to court only to be shut down by the power his family held with their money and prestige as their older son was a partner in the law firm which defended him. He ran off once again with my children to Oklahoma, leaving just a phoned in message on my desk that he had left with them. The system was taking half of my pay each month to pay for child support and I was ordered to maintain their medical insurance as well. This order continued although no one would help me defend or even force him to move back to Pennsylvania with them and maintain the visitation that was ordered. I felt completely overwhelmed and helpless against him and his family’s money. The six months he spent in Oklahoma with a new wife and my children had caused irreversable damage. The children had been abused by her and her sons while they were there and my own son was terrified of me by the time he brought them back. It broke my heart when I took cookies to his class for his fourth grade birthday and he moved behind his chair for protection refusing even the slightest motion of a hug from his mother. The man who I had created these three beautiful children with had destroyed who they were inside; defending their father’s beatings as, “I deserved it – I was bad!” It took four long years of fighting and being there; accepting all of his threats and his family’s put downs before he finally gave up and sent them back to live with me.

There was already too much damage to the mother/child bond we had before. The years of weekend and holiday visits could not repair the lies he and his family had fed them during that time. To this day I still carry that huge mound of guilt deep inside for the pain I caused them and the destruction of their happy world. Their father still maintains that he has done nothing wrong to harm them; nothing wrong against their mother; nothing wrong in his perfect image of himself. The relationship between my children and I still has not healed, even after the more than 10 years of their mother providing the food, shelter, love, encouragement and support to guide them through. They refuse to see the disrespect they show towards me and the constant straining to maintain a relationship with them is tearing me apart. There is nothing I can ever do to repair what has been done, but I feel that even the slightest bit of truth from their father about me would somehow change what they see. As I view them today and watch them grow in their adult world, it saddens me to know that I am just someone they view as, “not that perfect mother” they once had, but instead someone they can attack with hatred in their words and stabs at my heart of disrespect. They have no endearing love for the mother that carried them, nurtured them, and loved them with every part of her being. They only view what I must do to help them in their lives because of that attachment I still carry so deeply in my heart.

I know how badly I have let them down and I know the damage they carry from the mistake I made so many years ago, but there is nothing I haven’t done to try to make up for what we lost. There is nothing I haven’t tried to provide them and nothing that will ever heal that horrible loss that I feel of the mother/child bond that their father and his family so determinedly destroyed. For all of the mother’s that continue to fight the system for their children against the odds of ever getting them back; I beg you to never give up. Although the relationship may never be the same and the scars of the abuse you carry may never heal, it is your children who wait for you and that is a fight worth enduring. I pray for your success at winning the fight to gain back your children. A mother deserves the chance to rebuild that love with her children. There is no greater loss than the love lost of a child towards the mother who knows no happiness without them.

Published by @Trecia_Ann

Recently, Facebook locked and removed my decade long creation of work and public profile, which focused my work as an advocate, speaker, mentor, and creator of more than a few programs used throughout Illinois, but also shared nationally and some have reached international platforms. So.... let's start fresh and see where it goes! Please see the writings on this blog dating back into 2011, created after the publication of 'My Justice'. There are two specifically, which have been tagged and shared by many....."Judging Eyes" and "Triggers; what they are and how to handle them" I am a survivor of over thirty years trapped inside the silence and brutality of Family Facilitated Violence, Torture, and Child Sex Trafficking. In Feb. 2011, I chose to publish the secrets and the horrors endured; the many levels of destruction and decay which the community around me witnessed, ignored, condemned and blamed regardless of the injuries and tortures endured. It all became the learned patterns of self-hatred and tolerance which was a huge factor in my adult life. Have you endured childhood harm, or endured terroristic types of abuses? Did you feel unworthy of life, breathing, love or respect? Did you feel as if no one ever really saw you, heard you, or seemed to care about the silent cruelties of your existence? It wasn't until I honestly began a strong focus on healing myself, which took years of researching credible data and published research surrounding the lasting effects of abuse, violence, sexual harm, and human trafficking that I began to understand who I was and why there were many traits and tragedies that influenced my adult choices, relationships, the chaos deep in my soul and the behaviors used to survive. It seemed to control everything inside me and it was filled with pain, and tragedy. The research became my rebuilding journey and my road to advocacy, creating legislative changes, sitting as an active member and providing testimony in the creation of area task force operations, victim/survivor services, trauma informed awareness for law enforcement, educators, social services, healthcare and community providers. I began that research of understanding myself in 2008, wrote the memoir "My Justice' in 2010, began working to change statutes in my home state in 2013, became a Certified DV Advocate and Panel Member of DV Offender Education Program in 2015, which then initiated a decade long career as a trusted, confidential advocate, and a highly skilled and knowledgeable speaker/educator on the topic of Assessment, Family/Survivor Rebuilding, Trauma Informed Care & Response, with the primary focus on family/relationship acts of terroristic abuses and/or human trafficking. Beginning in January 2010 there have been developed programs and connected resources for men, women, children, and families who endured these same types of tragedies. Unfortunately, our human society still has barriers to seek help or speak openly about these types of tragedies, especially if it happened in our homes and families. The laws to protect from such harms were enacted for children in 1963, as an amendment to the Social Security Act. Domestic Violence was not a topic until 1995, when then Senator Joe Biden introduced the Violence Against Women Act, which has since been adapted to provide shelters, counseling, protection orders, and rebuilding services for ALL persons regardless of gender or identity. Although slavery was brought to an end by the historical act of President Abraham Lincoln, we unfortunately have millions of human beings still being traded, sold, controlled and trapped in a hellish evil, which often begins by a parent or intimate partner. Legislation didn't arise regarding the term 'Human Trafficking' until the turn of the new millennium. Protection for victims of human trafficking was signed into law as the 'Trafficking In Persons Act of 2000', which with modern day social media it quickly became a new hot-topic point, which then sparked the creation of Trauma Informed Care, Rebuilding & Trauma Therapy, and thus adult survivors began speaking out about the dark terrifying reality of Child Sex Trafficking. Today many use the term, Modern Day Slavery, and we have multi-faceted task force operations and rescue resources working around the globe to end this new form of human slavery. We also have a few hundred thousand or more who are adult survivors of histories involving Parental Child Sex Trafficking. In one recent study from 2018, they found 85% of these victims were trafficked by parents in trade for drugs, family needs, or basic human survival. As I look back on the career that grew from my own personal need to understand the chaos in my head, the constant failed relationships and almost murderous acts committed against me; as I deal with increasing health problems that includes multiples of head and spinal cord traumas; the most important goal for me from day one of this extremely personal experience; the healing and rebuilding of my own children and grandchildren who were all continued generational victims of the trauma influenced behaviors and choices that resulted from the destruction enforced by my mother and stepfather many decades ago. The little girl, 'Trecia Ann', she survived pure evil as an entire community witnessed, shamed, blamed, and dismissed the visible decay and rot, stench and filth covered, battered and intoxicated body of a young girl who was publicly exploited and shared in the bars of that small town, in her home with boys she attended school with and adult men from the local coalmine. It was as if they all got a thrill from watching her respond to the ring of that little brass bell. They laughed, molested, raped, and purchased for a few bucks or a few beers the sexual use of that young girl right in full public view! Her mother held the power to stop it all, but rather enjoyed having a 'slave' to cook, clean, care for the family as well as entertain the sadistic alcoholic man she chose to marry. Today, I'm so honored and proud to have that little girl's spirit with me. It is through the use of my lived experience, along with a decade of research, and at least five certifications in prevention, response, and trauma; I've assisted a few hundred survivors through the multilevel process of rebuilding and reclaiming their voice, their safety, their freedom! I've trained law enforcement, healthcare, childrens service investigators, our school educators, and co-presented in trainings with some outstanding experts in the field. For the many I've assisted or empowered, they continue becoming thriving survivors, advocates, authors, speakers, and most important of all; they are healing their children and grandchildren! It is a truly beautiful experience and I am so amazed to have been a spark, a resource, or a friend in their life reclaiming freedom. The adult children of generations past have broken through the glass ceiling and finally there is a hint of change in the world. "A lifetime filled with daily torture, tragedy, and pain creates someone completely different than we should have been. We feel that person inside, but our lives are altered by the emotional and physical suffering. We cover it up and hide it deep inside through substance abuse, which falsely helps us believe we are doing fine. The extreme physical and emotional injuries leave our mental and physical selves terribly impacted. Thankfully there is more information and resources of help available today for all types of adverse or traumatic experiences. We have specialized therapeutic help and healthcare professionals developing new ways to identify and assist persons harmed or at risk of harm. We have so much more to do, so please help by having casual open conversations with your friends, family, coworkers, leaders, and especially our kids. Teach them early how to avoid both online and in person harms. Encourage adults and kids both to use the BDA Buddy Skills 2.0, which you will find through my list of assessments and prevention strategies. "My Justice' was written through my own beginning of acknowledging and releasing the personal destruction of the girl once known as 'Trecia Ann'. It is not an easy read, but it has opened many eyes about the reality of evil that occurs inside our homes, against those too small to protect themselves or understand what's happening. It was published to release the thick layers of trauma, sex trafficking, and disfiguring neglect. It is the voice of the enslaved child who existed only to answer the ring of 'his' bell, and the enforced burden to keep my own private terrorist alive. 'My Justice' is NOT SUGGESTED FOR ANYONE UNDER 16 years of age. It discusses the permanently wounding life and the cycle of destruction that held me in tolerating ridicule, control, and violence in my adult relationships. This truth was published to inspire others to take an in-depth look at their life and behaviors as a result of their past, in hopes they too will better understand their suffering today, the continued relationships with the parents and family who inflicted those harms, and finally breaking free from that pain so they can reclaim their voice and their true sense of freedom! We always have the opportunity to learn that we are worthy, capable, incredibly strong, compassionate, and filled with endless possibilities. It is a choice. It is a conscious decision to dig into our trauma, take ownership of our own failures, the harm our choices have caused, and the work we need to do to change it and succeed for ourselves and our families. It is such an honor to have 'My Justice' used at the collegiate level for psychology classes, upcoming therapists, and educators. Today my life is very blessed. I'm finally safe, feel truly loved, finally feeling the magic of life! Always choose to see your star and how it shines on others in your journey. My greatest power only began to show when I first made the choice to end the violent relationships and behaviors around my children; to give them something better, something SAFE!! In choosing to share my own story, I've also gone the serious extra step to educate myself through years of research, attending training opportunities, and collaborating with other advocate resources focused in human resilience and healing from abuse, sexual harm, and sex trafficking. Today there are experts digging deep to recreate help and healing. I've chosen to use my past as a way to inspire a greater good and; hopefully, somehow change the cycle of tragedy in our homes so that we empower our kids to live a more positive path. The best education we can give is healing our survivors of traumatic experiences so we understand what they felt then and what they wish they would have had available; those who could have and should have said something. We can change things for our life today, but best of all in healing our wounds, we give communities a supportive working strategy in assisting the people in our lives. One step at a time, one caring soul at a time, we can give them a path to changing our human society as a whole. This is a tell-all, which was written in the midst of my third nervous breakdown as I struggled to put all my distorted pieces back together, and help my children understand how the violence I tolerated against me invaded their well-being. My children have always been my world, but my behaviors, lack of healthy parenting and life skills, and an inability to remain stable have caused another generation of suffering for my grandchildren. This is a very difficult thing to watch and the continued tragedies that seem to keep affecting the choices in my family. Writing this book was only the beginning of trying to release all that has haunted me for so many years. I have finally removed his thick, cruel, coal-stained hand which trapped me in fear for decades. Those hands and his evil, her housemaid and caregiver; created a slave, and that slave submitted to horrific and brutal attacks but always felt it was her burden to bear. I lived with that hand holding me down, continually terrorizing and silencing, stealing my voice to protect their pure evil. Throughout decades the dysfunction caused by the chaos inside my head would affect every relationship, my children, and cast a shadow of darkness on everything good in my life. Living in the true spirit of freedom, I have now become a strong advocate against the life cycle of human destruction. If we want to control our life and achievements today, then we cannot live stuck in the tragedy of hardships and pain. Life is meant to be lived, to be enjoyed, to see what you can do and what you can achieve, to find out what is important to you. We all become adults. We all have a burden to bear. Stand up and keep moving, keep living, keep dreaming. You have two choices in recreating and rebuilding yourself. Do you stay stuck in the dark shadows of your past? Do you dig deep and find that spirit that kept you alive so that you can become the proud, strong, capable, resilient, kind human being? Which do you choose and how will that choice affect your children and theirs? We can be supportive, and provide resources and suggest help so that families suffering from addiction or past trauma can find a recovery balance to rebuild their family into a more positive life pattern. We will recover, we will rebuild, we will conquer the pains of yesterday to live in the true sense of life, freedom, and safety today. Patricia 'Trish' McKnight Author: 'My Justice' Fndr/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Alliance, NFP Mentor/Advocate/Speaker/Survivor

8 thoughts on “The Love of the Mother

  1. I wish my mother (both adoptive and biological) where more like you! One day you kids will see all you do for them and how loving and warm of a parent you really are. HUGS!! Thank you for sharing.

  2. jenne85 …. thank you for such beautiful words. It is my dream that one day they understand the scars of their mother. My decisions caused them a lot of pain, but it was not my intention to hurt them at all; God willing they will see that someday. Bless you hon and HUGE BEAR HUGS for comfort 🙂

  3. I cried after reading this,it reminds me so much of my childhood spent as a child/witness of domestic abuse. I hated weekends,as the violence was always worst,or Christmas,Easter any time when you should be able to look forward "I dreaded" it's taken a very long time to start to feel "normal" having my own 2 children has made me realise that my mum could only make decisions with the tools she had,yes she made some terrible decisions,yes I have memories that I'd rather forget,but it has also made me the person I am today ( the years of therapy also helped ) I made damn sure my own children would never go through what I did,and I love and respect my mum more than ever.Thankyou for sharing your journey and I wish you peace&happiness Always xxxx

  4. My heart aches for you…to feel so alone in a marriage can push us to places we don’t mean to go. We’re human and for your children to be so brainwashed against you for that, just kills me. I am so sorry. xoxoxo

    1. Erin, thank you for your beautiful words. It is still difficult for me to relate with my children. I can only pray some day they read about their mother and find out who I really am. Blessings 🙂 ty

  5. I think as your children grow, and are able to see the impact that you have on others, and the steps that you have taken to protect others, its helps them see the person that you really are. Its a person they need to get to know again. Seeing this new and improved person, is not someone that they are used to. Give them time. I doubt it will take as long as you think. Healing takes time, on both ends. Let go of the guilt, and learn and face that you are not responsible for what happens in their lives anymore. My mother tells me to do that all the time when I guilt myself into acting a certain way with my own child. Accept that your children are who they are, that won’t change. Learn to adapt and have a relationship based on what is there. There is love there, it may not always be evident, but its there.

    1. Absolutely beautiful, thank you indeed Jessica 🙂 It is so true that my children don’t know who I am now, they have their own memories of who we were then and that person is not who has grown through the healing and education. I am so glad to know that my children are good people, despite all of the bad that was inflicted into their world, they have turned out to be wonderfully loving, caring, respectful of others, just so much more. This is the greatest blessing to me. I couldn’t change then the person who was their mother, but as I have healed and have grown, it is now that not only do I see the past, but I also see our future. One day we will be able to understand and know one another again, we will blossom together and I pray that the cycle will be broken forever in the family that is mine. Hugs dear, thank you so much for your very wonderful words 🙂 They have touched me deeper than you could ever know. Wishing you light & laughter, enjoy the life you so deserve, enjoy the many blessings that have been given to guide you through. Always stay strong and know the true meaning of “The Love of a Mother” ty:)

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