This blog is my rambling about the many emotions and fears I am left with after 32 years in abuse. The sexual abuse as a child and my mother’s neglect is what’s affected me the worst. This has left the deepest impact on my life. Each day I hope to share with you a look into these emotions & fears, but also the success & joys. Some of these you may find triggering so please read with care!!! Do not stress yourself, read at your own leisure, in baby steps!!!
As I was growing up in this house of insanity and rage, I don’t think that loneliness explains how I felt. When I remember what it was like for me, especially from ages 9 through 16, there is a knot that grows in the pit of my stomach and a tightness in my chest. I actually took a moment to look at the tatoo on my arm, take a breath, then continue.
As much as I’ve healed, grown, achieved and in the present safety of my life, I am still instantly overwhelmed. A sense of panic takes my breath away and for just a fleeting moment my muscles reactively tense up. Why is it that the simple thought of being around them; being in that home at the mercy of the one whom God put in charge of my world, this can instantly cause a reaction of intense fear?
I AM 49 YEARS OLD – WHEN DOES THIS STOP!!!
It has taken so much personal effort to get to where I am now. This includes my professional and personal growth. It is insane to think that her complete lack of caring can still make me so sad. My therapist relates my mother’s treatment of me in the following way;
“Your Mom did not see you as human, there for she did not consider that you required even the most basic of human needs.”
This truth still breaks my spirit, but I guess its good that I can come back to my reality. THE CRACK IS THERE BUT I DON’T FALL IN ALL THE WAY ANYMORE!!!
As I grew up in her abandonment, I was isolated. There was only responsibility and control in my world. His disgusting acts of molestation, that would grow to such an intense evil; one night changed my world forever. He is the reason that I instantly become terrified, but it was the disregard of my decaying body that left me feeling so isolated.
All my life was filled with caring for others; waiting for someone to acknowledge and care for me. I kept waiting and praying for MY FATHER to come and rescue me, but not he or anyone from his family would find me til I was 19 yrs. old. This is the depth of isolation that causes me to still be swept away by the emotions.
Then I think of the hundreds of survivors that share this sense of isolation. We feel stained and different from others, but when you think of our numbers and the voices that are gathering there is a comfort. No matter how lonely I feel I can think of all the others like me and know that I have a new family building around me. All of us knowing the other is there for the desperate times.
Today there is so much to be happy about. I’ve built my family with my children, with the one true love that has rescued my soul, with the wonderful friends that have allowed me into their world without question; now with the hundreds of survivors who have been brave enough to connect with me. It’s an amazing new feeling for me. I don’t feel alone in this world any longer.
Today there is a sense of strength. I’ve connected with some really amazing people and honored to have some powerful voices at my side. This is the happy life that I was meant to have. It is finally here. I am safe & loved. This is a new beginning and I am so excited about where it will lead.
Be comforted if you are one of this family. Know that it is “OK” to get swept away in our past at times, but then pull your focus back to the present and remember those around you. It can be almost impossible to believe that these feelings and fears will ever go away. It seems they come back to distract and haunt us. I pray that you can feel at ease during these moments, take a breath, feel the safety around you in our new growing family!!!
Survivors in Strength & Love
Standing, Speaking, Circling to Protect
Thank you for releaving that sense of loneliness in my world!!!
(c)Author/Advocate/Speaker/Survivor: Patricia A. McKnight