Know that it is “OK” – Survivors in Strength & Love

This still gets me through the rough times 🙂

 

This blog is my rambling about the many emotions and fears I am left with after 32 years in abuse. The sexual abuse as a child and my mother’s neglect is what’s affected me the worst. This has left the deepest impact on my life. Each day I hope to share with you a look into these emotions & fears, but also the success & joys. Some of these you may find triggering so please read with care!!! Do not stress yourself, read at your own leisure, in baby steps!!!

As I was growing up in this house of insanity and rage, I don’t think that loneliness explains how I felt. When I remember what it was like for me, especially from ages 9 through 16, there is a knot that grows in the pit of my stomach and a tightness in my chest. I actually took a moment to look at the tatoo on my arm, take a breath, then continue.

As much as I’ve healed, grown, achieved and in the present safety of my life, I am still instantly overwhelmed. A sense of panic takes my breath away and for just a fleeting moment my muscles reactively tense up. Why is it that the simple thought of being around them; being in that home at the mercy of the one whom God put in charge of my world, this can instantly cause a reaction of intense fear?

I AM 49 YEARS OLD – WHEN DOES THIS STOP!!!

It has taken so much personal effort to get to where I am now. This includes my professional and personal growth. It is insane to think that her complete lack of caring can still make me so sad. My therapist relates my mother’s treatment of me in the following way;

“Your Mom did not see you as human, there for she did not consider that you required even the most basic of human needs.”

This truth still breaks my spirit, but I guess its good that I can come back to my reality. THE CRACK IS THERE BUT I DON’T FALL IN ALL THE WAY ANYMORE!!!

As I grew up in her abandonment, I was isolated. There was only responsibility and control in my world. His disgusting acts of molestation, that would grow to such an intense evil; one night changed my world forever. He is the reason that I instantly become terrified, but it was the disregard of my decaying body that left me feeling so isolated.

All my life was filled with caring for others; waiting for someone to acknowledge and care for me. I kept waiting and praying for MY FATHER to come and rescue me, but not he or anyone from his family would find me til I was 19 yrs. old. This is the depth of isolation that causes me to still be swept away by the emotions.

Then I think of the hundreds of survivors that share this sense of isolation. We feel stained and different from others, but when you think of our numbers and the voices that are gathering there is a comfort. No matter how lonely I feel I can think of all the others like me and know that I have a new family building around me. All of us knowing the other is there for the desperate times.

Today there is so much to be happy about. I’ve built my family with my children, with the one true love that has rescued my soul, with the wonderful friends that have allowed me into their world without question; now with the hundreds of survivors who have been brave enough to connect with me. It’s an amazing new feeling for me. I don’t feel alone in this world any longer.

Today there is a sense of strength. I’ve connected with some really amazing people and honored to have some powerful voices at my side. This is the happy life that I was meant to have. It is finally here. I am safe & loved. This is a new beginning and I am so excited about where it will lead.

Be comforted if you are one of this family. Know that it is “OK” to get swept away in our past at times, but then pull your focus back to the present and remember those around you. It can be almost impossible to believe that these feelings and fears will ever go away. It seems they come back to distract and haunt us. I pray that you can feel at ease during these moments, take a breath, feel the safety around you in our new growing family!!!

Survivors in Strength & Love

Standing, Speaking, Circling to Protect

Thank you for releaving that sense of loneliness in my world!!!

(c)Author/Advocate/Speaker/Survivor: Patricia A. McKnight

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Published by @ButterflyTrish

I am a survivor of over thirty years trapped inside the silence and brutality of Family Crimes, Child Sex Trafficking, and a life lived pattern of tolerance for over 30 years in almost murderous relationships. In Feb. 2011 I chose to publish the truth about what happened in our home, the community around me, and the learned patterns of self-hatred and tolerance which became such a huge factor in my life. My life today was built through publishing 'My Justice'. I never would felt worthy of life, breathing, love & respect with first healing myself. There were many things the traits and tragedies that influenced my life seemed to control everything inside me and it was nothing but sadness and fake emotions. Only by facing the horrors I went through, the choices I made as a woman & mother, then relating to the greatest guilt I have; how the trauma behavior has affected my children's lives. It's my hope to help others get through their battles, regardless of the type of trauma because when we hurt our lives are forever changed. This graphic, violent memoir is NOT SUGGESTED FOR ANYONE UNDER 14 years of age. It discusses the permanently wounding life and the cycle of destruction that held me in expecting/tolerating ridicule and violence in my adult relationships. This truth was published to inspire others to take an in-depth look at their life and behaviors as a result of their past. Connect the dots of your rebuilding in understanding the pattern of adult choices in coping addictions, parenting, and partners; even affecting our careers and self-sustainable life. I'm so honored to have 'My Justice' used at the collegiate level for psychology classes, upcoming therapists and educators. Today my life is very blessed. I'm finally safe, finally truly loved, finally feeling the magic of what life is supposed to be like. My greatest power only began to show when I first made the choice to end the violent relationships and behaviors around my children; to give them something better, something SAFE!! In choosing to share my own story, I've also gone that serious extra step to educate myself through years of research, attending training opportunity, and collaborating with other advocate resources, abuse, sexual harm, and the experts digging deep to recreate help and healing. I've chosen to use my past as a way to inspire a greater good; hopefully somehow change the cycle of tragedy in our homes so that we empower our kids to live a more positive path. The best education we can give, is a survivor of traumatic experiences who can use what they felt then and what they wish they would have had available; those who could have and should have said something. We can change things for our life today, but best of all in healing our wounds, we give communities a supportive working strategy in assisting the people in our lives. One step at a time, one caring soul at a time, we can give them a path to changing our human society as a whole. This is a tell all, which was written in the midst of my third nervous breakdown as I struggled to put all my distorted pieces back together, help my children understand how the violence I tolerated against me invaded their emotional well-being. My children have always been my world, but my behaviors, lack of healthy parenting and life skills, and an inability to remain stable has caused another generation of suffering for my grandchildren. This is a very difficult thing to watch and the continued tragedies that seem to keep affecting the choices in my family. Writing this book was only the beginning of trying to release all that has haunted me for so many years. I have finally removed his thick, cruel, coal stained hand which trapped me in fear for decades. Those hands and his evil, her housemaid and caregiver; they created a slave and that slave submitted to horrific and brutal attacks but always felt it was her burden to bare. I lived with that hand holding me down to terrorize and steal away my voice, holding me captive in the dysfunction of the aftermath and casting a shadow of darkness on everything good in my life. Living in the true spirit of freedom, I have now become a strong advocate against the life cycle of human destruction. We cannot live stuck in the tragedy of hardships and pain. Life is meant to be lived, to be enjoyed, to see what you can do and what you can achieve, to find out what is important to you. We all become adults. We all have a burden to bare. Stand up and keep moving, keep living, keep dreaming. You have two choices in recreating and rebuilding yourself. Do you stay stuck in the dark shadows of your past? Do you dig deep and find that spirit that kept you alive so that you could become the proud, strong, capable, resilient, kind human being ? Which do you choose and how will that choice affect your children and theirs? We can be supportive, provide resources and suggestions for help so that families suffering with addiction or past trauma themselves can find a recovery balance to rebuild their family in a more positive life pattern. We will recover, we will rebuild, we will conquer the pains of yesterday to live in the true sense of life, freedom and safety today. Patricia 'Trish' McKnight Author: 'My Justice' Fndr/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Alliance, NFP Mentor/Advocate/Speaker/Survivor

10 thoughts on “Know that it is “OK” – Survivors in Strength & Love

  1. I like the valuable info you provide on survivorsjustice.com . I will bookmark your blog and check again here regularly. I’m quite sure I will learn lots of new stuff right here! Best of luck for the next!

    1. Dubai, thanks so much. Really thrilled that you are bookmarking and please do check back. There is so much locked in emotions and fears that we never share with others, this is what I have chosen to do. The truth as ugly as it may be, must be shared. ty 🙂

    1. If you are talking about the design, you will find it in the standard formats here on wordpress. thanks for the comments, glad you like the layout 🙂

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