He’s Back Again………….!!!

This post is probably one of the most powerful I’ve ever shared, but it’s  horrifying and triggering . Please read with caution, patience, understanding. This is my reality!!!

     These past few weeks I’ve been in quite a raging rapids of memories. However, I try to remain hopeful as friends speak out to me; “Time heals all wounds” REALLY????

Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Adult Survivors of Rape; even our returning war vets and others who have gone through some form of life threatening trauma never forget.

Do we learn how to cope? Yes; this is quite possible with the help of a support system and tools of a trained trauma recovery therapist. We can remain hopeful and live in the present at most times.

My life has been truly safe these past seven years. I’ve got one of the most loving and protective men I’ve ever known. He has held me as I’ve curled up and cried like an infant. He walks each step along recovery with me. It’s a life I have imagined finally coming true!!

However; still I am plagued with haunting memories and sensations of fear. There are still moments, days, even weeks when I am taken to the darkness of my past and each breath is a struggle to get through.

This has been one of those months!!! This blog is filled with the paralyzing fear that I have to get out of my system. Hopefully it will, in some strange way, help others understand the impact of this reality as being a survivor of evil so horrific most cannot even imagine.

Lately I feel trapped by his presence. It’s difficult to breathe or even think. I can feel his heavy breath and panting over my shoulder. My skin actually crawls at the sense of his touch grasping at me. As I do dishes the weight of his body creates a pressure caging me against the sink. When stepping out of the shower his hands fill the bathroom air with the stench of black coal.

He is back again!!! He is all around me!!!

He’s in my car when I’m driving; sitting there in the passenger side with the devil’s grin and his thick coal stained hand rubs on my thigh. I can feel it groping at my shirt, clenching on my breast. He is hovering around me as I climb into bed next to the one I love so dearly. I scooch over and curl into a ball as close to safety as I can, wanting to climb inside so that I will be protected from the blackness around me. Even as I write this now he is here; everywhere; completely surrounding, taunting, almost as if he’s laughing and then I hear his grueling whisper, “I will always be here. You will never escape me.”

MY GOD WHEN DOES IT END? Perhaps when I am dead or will he be there waiting for me, taking me down to hell with him, keeping me there to torture all over again!!!

This is the reality for those of us who have survived through evil that other’s can’t even touch, their minds cannot circle around the days, nights, years of continuous torture we have endured.

To be raped or molested as a child is brutal enough. Even those who have been raped as adults have a difficult task of moving past it. When your childhood days are filled with sadistic torture, so brutal that your soul is murdered; TELL ME HOW WE ARE TO GET PAST THIS. TELL ME HOW WE ARE TO “JUST FORGET ABOUT IT”!!!

When you are six and held by a fist full of hair as someone probes you so viciously it bruises you and hurts for days. When you are nine and cannot even bathe or do dishes without being trapped and touched. When you are twelve and you are forced to strip with a shotgun barrel rubbing along your body. When you are threatened with death as you’re told to lie down on the bed. When you feel the barrel of the gun ripping apart at your guts as its repeatedly jammed inside you. When you lie there knowing there is no escape, no rescue, no sense of help. You hear the television downstairs, you know your brother and sister are there enjoying a show, but you are here. You’re forced to hold back the screams of pain; forced to hold back the tears of madness. You hear the voice of terror as it threatens to blow your head off from the inside of your vagina. Then suddenly it feels as if your insides are shredded and scraped out with a searing knife. You feel the barrel as it’s ripped out so quickly you think it’s tearing out your soul.

Your existence is gone now. The young child you were is no longer there. It’s only blackness around you and in you. There is no laughter, no play time, no smile, no shine in your eyes; only a blank empty shell laying on the royal blue quilted bedspread.

He brings the barrel up to your face. You try to focus and you hear his words, “You will die if you say a word to anyone again!!!”

You see the blood and tissue of your soul clinging to the end of the gun. You know it is over now. There will never be joy in your spirit again because the devil has taken it and erased the child who lived inside.

Where is the comfort of death when I need it so desperately? Why has God allowed my purity to be taken in such an act of terror? Why has He covered my life in darkness?

Tell me please – “How do you erase these fears? How do you -“Just get over it?” How in the hell am I supposed to move past and forget this evil when it feels as if his spirit is here waiting for me to die???!!!

Could you do it? Could you pretend it never happened? Could you go through life trying to hide this black that crawls inside of you? Could you still function, be a wife, be a mother, try to guide your own children through life with joy and the tenderness of childhood?

I’m breathing; I’m telling myself I’m safe; I’m loved; the birds are singing outside; the rainbow in shining in the clouds; dear God I am trying!!! Breathing and Praying!!! Destroy him!!!

The child I was; the broken soul of a woman; the spirit of a mother; now the strength and determination of a SURVIVOR!!!

(c)Patricia A. McKnight

“My Justice” has been written, has been spoken, but have you really heard that voice of the girl who held back the tears; the voice that wanted to scream out in fear for help; the child that hid her way through life and covered up the rot of her skin; the disregard of her mother; the infection of black from the devil who still haunts my world.

Published by @ButterflyTrish

I am a survivor of over thirty years trapped inside the silence and brutality of Family Crimes, Child Sex Trafficking, and a life-lived pattern of tolerance for over thirty years in almost murderous relationships. In Feb. 2011, I chose to publish the truth about what happened in our home, the community around me, and the learned patterns of self-hatred and tolerance which became such a huge factor in my life. I never felt worthy of life, breathing, love & respect; not until I honestly began a strong focus on healing myself. There were many traits and tragedies that influenced my life. It seemed to control everything inside me and it was nothing but sadness and fake emotions. Only by facing the horrors I went through, the choices I made as a woman & mother, then relating to the greatest guilt I still grieve; how the trauma behavior has affected my children's lives. It's my hope to help others get through their battles, regardless of the type of trauma because when we hurt our lives are forever changed. "My Justice' is not an easy read. It was published to release the thick layers of trauma, sex trafficking, and disfiguring neglect, the enslavement of a child to answer the ring of 'his' bell, and keep my own private terrorist alive. This memoir is NOT SUGGESTED FOR ANYONE UNDER 16 years of age. It discusses the permanently wounding life and the cycle of destruction that held me in expecting/tolerating ridicule and violence in my adult relationships. This truth was published to inspire others to take an in-depth look at their life and behaviors as a result of their past. When we connect the dots through rebuilding an understanding of the pattern of adult choices in coping addictions, parenting, and partners; even affecting our careers and self-sustainable life. I'm so honored to have 'My Justice' used at the collegiate level for psychology classes, upcoming therapists, and educators. Today my life is very blessed. I'm finally safe, finally truly loved, finally feeling the magic of what life is supposed to be like. My greatest power only began to show when I first made the choice to end the violent relationships and behaviors around my children; to give them something better, something SAFE!! In choosing to share my own story, I've also gone the serious extra step to educate myself through years of research, attending training opportunities, and collaborating with other advocate resources focused in human resilience and healing from abuse, sexual harm, and sex trafficking. Today there are experts digging deep to recreate help and healing. I've chosen to use my past as a way to inspire a greater good and; hopefully, somehow change the cycle of tragedy in our homes so that we empower our kids to live a more positive path. The best education we can give is healing our survivors of traumatic experiences so we understand what they felt then and what they wish they would have had available; those who could have and should have said something. We can change things for our life today, but best of all in healing our wounds, we give communities a supportive working strategy in assisting the people in our lives. One step at a time, one caring soul at a time, we can give them a path to changing our human society as a whole. This is a tell-all, which was written in the midst of my third nervous breakdown as I struggled to put all my distorted pieces back together, and help my children understand how the violence I tolerated against me invaded their well-being. My children have always been my world, but my behaviors, lack of healthy parenting and life skills, and an inability to remain stable have caused another generation of suffering for my grandchildren. This is a very difficult thing to watch and the continued tragedies that seem to keep affecting the choices in my family. Writing this book was only the beginning of trying to release all that has haunted me for so many years. I have finally removed his thick, cruel, coal-stained hand which trapped me in fear for decades. Those hands and his evil, her housemaid and caregiver; created a slave, and that slave submitted to horrific and brutal attacks but always felt it was her burden to bear. I lived with that hand holding me down, continually terrorizing and silencing, stealing my voice to protect their pure evil. Throughout decades the dysfunction caused by the chaos inside my head would affect every relationship, my children, and cast a shadow of darkness on everything good in my life. Living in the true spirit of freedom, I have now become a strong advocate against the life cycle of human destruction. If we want to control our life and achievements today, then we cannot live stuck in the tragedy of hardships and pain. Life is meant to be lived, to be enjoyed, to see what you can do and what you can achieve, to find out what is important to you. We all become adults. We all have a burden to bear. Stand up and keep moving, keep living, keep dreaming. You have two choices in recreating and rebuilding yourself. Do you stay stuck in the dark shadows of your past? Do you dig deep and find that spirit that kept you alive so that you could become the proud, strong, capable, resilient, kind human being? Which do you choose and how will that choice affect your children and theirs? We can be supportive, and provide resources and suggestions for help so that families suffering from addiction or past trauma can find a recovery balance to rebuild their family into a more positive life pattern. We will recover, we will rebuild, we will conquer the pains of yesterday to live in the true sense of life, freedom, and safety today. Patricia 'Trish' McKnight Author: 'My Justice' Fndr/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Alliance, NFP Mentor/Advocate/Speaker/Survivor

25 thoughts on “He’s Back Again………….!!!

  1. I have similiar problems but not as terrible a story. I think I will always have a certain amount of extra fear and sleeplessness. When the triggers start to push in bad memories I picture a strong wall or iron box and put these things behind the wall/in the box. I try to cut them off and not let them in. Only possible if I focus on God and pray. Often it is just —help Jesus over and over again.

    Hurts so much

    1. Elea, I so agree with this!!! Sometimes it seems that nothing helps remove the thoughts. We try to keep our focus on the presence of today, it’s harder than some can imagine. I send you prayers of strength in your survival. May you make it through your moments, just breathe!!

  2. Trish is know this pain so well and pray you find peace soon. For me I had that pain but also a hate and anger that was deep enough to be deadly, not to me but to him. I struggled for years without being able to shed it from my life. It held me prisoner.
    One say I heard a story of how Randy Travis turned his life around after being re-baptized. I was re-baptized shortly after and forgave my abuser and have had a much much greater peace. The memories don’t go away but life is easier to deal with.
    All my prayers go up for you and your family
    David Lester

  3. Trisia, I know the frustation of never having your past leave you any peace. For me it’s like having a movie playing in my head all the time. The quiet times are the worst. At times I felt totally out of my mind. I had so much anger and hate that it could have easily become deadly for me or him. I knew he was not worth the ten cents worth of lead or my life in jail or taking my own life. He was also not worth what all the rage I had for him was doing to my life. Lets face it hating someone that much has never had an effect on them only on yourself. But all of the effects are hard to get into a place where you can claim your life back .
    For me it came in going to the alter and laying it all at the feet of Jesus. Only as I left I always ended up taking a very small piece with me and it grew back into the monster it always was. One Sunday when I went to pick up my girlfriend (now my wife) I was channel surfing and came upon Randy Travis talking about how he had turned his life around after being re-baptized. It was them that I new the only way for me to get free was to wash myself completely of my past. In a short while I was re-baptized and was given a peace I had not had for a very, very long time. I aslo came to know that I had to give my forgiveness to my abuser as I could never ask God to forgive me if I was not willing to give it as well as he comands us to.
    Now I am not saying that all the memories are gone or anything like that. Nothing about that has changed. What has changed is the effect that it has on me. I do still get blindsided on occation with a past memory that pops up from the recesses of my mind but the effect it has on me is short lived.
    It is and always be that those of use that lived the nightmare will always have a past that will haunt us at times but we can work at not letting it hold us a prisoner for the rest of OUR LIFE. It is hard work but worth it.
    All my prayers go up for you and all survivors and victims,
    David Lester

    1. David, thank you so much for your tender coments and understanding. I have gotten past 90% of the brutal 12yrs with my parents and even the entire 20 yrs lived in control, degradation, beatings, drownings, choking, kicking, punching and terror from the many men who have passed through my life. It is a dark cloud that hangs over us and at most times it is managable, but this has been a tough month. I can’t even figure out why. This is when its the worst, when I don’t know what set it off. I’m alright and I have given my pain to God and I know it was not His doing. My mother made a conscious decision to bring the devil into my world and let him remain. She played wife of the devil as she watched her little girl literally rot away. I’m really alright most times, but as you know there are those moments, it has been one of those months. I have felt him all around me, all the time, there has been no relief, no matter how positive I try to stay, which most times is really strong. I had to write out the dark in order to process it through and I figured I would give the world a look into the horror we carry. Bless you my friend, thank you so kindly. I too will get past this set back, I will shine again, stronger and ready to face the world again.
      My sincerest appreciation,
      thank you

    1. Oh, Viga, you are such a sweet soul. Bless you hon and thank you. It is I who am lucky to have him in my world to protect and love me, stand by me even at my darkest times. I’ve had a rough month for some reason and cannot figure out what set off the triggers. The monster is hovering now and will not disappear. This will pass and the strong positive me will be back again. I just wanted to get the bad out of my head and thought I would give the world a look into our madness.
      Thanks so much for sharing sweety. It is a tough read and that’s why I put the warning at the beginning. I hope it helps them understand how dark our days can be.
      Love & Light

  4. I am so very sorry that you have endured and endure this……….I am speechless with tears stinging my eyes as I type……..all my love and light to you ((hugs)) Always

    1. Angel, I’m sorry if the post triggered or caused you any stress, it wasn’t meant for that purpose; only to bring society into our dark reality.
      My hugs and prayers with you
      Love & Light returned as I think of you now.
      ((hugs)) always supporting my friend

  5. Dear One: Joyce Meyer has an international ministry and a daily TV program. Her book “Battlefield of the Mind” a best seller..resources you may want to seek out. Joyce Meyer’s background is very similar to yours..she was sexually abused by her own father for her entire childhood, and as a result she had numerous emotional issues. Now, she is completely healed and ministers all over the world. The answer: Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit..the Truth, the only truth in this life. We must be born again of the spirit to become children of God..and filled with His Holy Spirit for the power to overcome the devil and live the Christian life. There is no other way! I pray this revelation and blessing for you. The Bible is filled with promises for Children of God..Jesus is the way, the truth and the light..be not deceived, there is no other way. He says to His children, “I shall never leave nor forsake you”..the ultimate security.

  6. Trish Im sorry for you having to go through this horrendous ordeal all over again..Do we get over it like people tell us we should? Sometimes maybe, but it’s just so damn hard. When the nightmares and triggers start again, I find it so hard to keep my mind busy with other things, because it is always there, always in our face, I had this happen the other day, I heard a voice in a grocery store sounded just like my fathers, I turned around and he even looked like him. I freaked, was so shaken up, tried all the things everyone tells us to try and nothing worked, I am still bothered by it, had nightmares last night, could hear him laughing in the background. It’s not that easy to “get over it” But I know we somehow have to get over it and move on, somehow get over the fear we have inside of us. I wish I could erase all those fears and memoires from you Trish, and give you a life that only surrounds you with happiness and contentment. Somehow we need to rid ourselves from the monster that lurks inside of us, and I know you can do this Trish, Right now you are in that dark place, but just grab hold, fight with everything you got, You are such a strong person, and I know this has set you back, but you WILL get back up on your feet again, this monster WILL be defeated, With me having this experience at the grocery store, it invaded my dreams, brought back all the terrible memories of the past, I feel like I’ve been locked up in a room with him, and him repeating all the things he did to me as that little girl. I hate it,Trish, but we can and will get through this, with each other’s help, we are SURVIVORS, and nothing is going to take that away from us…love you Trish, big hugs to you, you will get through this.

    1. Mary, you poor dear. I know you know this horrible discomfort of panic, anxiety, threat, loss. We are forced to carry what others have done to try and destroy us. We will conquer the dark, we will sieze the happiness we so deserve. Together as a strong group of survivors we are now making a huge impact and a great difference. I am honored to walk this path with you. Cheers for where we are today and where we will be tomorrow. big hugs 🙂

  7. Dear Patricia,
    I would like to spend some time with a comprehensive response.
    But for now, let me say first what a brave and wonderful soul you are to air your private hell in order to help others. Plain to see whatever he did to you he was not able to dampen your spirit, and your love – still burning brightly. What an amazing thing to have found a partner who could understand and hold you safe and I can’t help feeling how lucky he is to have you..

    Yet, as you said the nature of this is that you never know when the clouds will descend and it must feel like there is no escape.
    This is my message.
    1 You will never lose the memories. If you did you’d also lose the good ones.
    2 You must never be asked to pretend it did not happen. People who have suffered like this know that it is a nonsense.
    3 Suppressing it? Same as 2.
    4 Telling you to move on would be like saying a splinter causing terrible pain in your foot should just be ignored.
    5 The change you can hope to make is not to be rid of the memory but to be rid of the pain. One way is to find a qualified practitioner of Traumatic Incident Reduction (TIR). This is now listed with the US and Canadian Governments as an evidence based intervention. You may not have heard of it and I don’t know where you live but if you track down a practitioner I believe you will be forever thankful. I won’t rattle on about it. Just read up on it on the web, but more important find a practitioner and have a chat with them.
    Happy journey.
    Search on “TIR practitioner”

    1. Ralph, how beautiful your words and yes I do still see my trauma specialist at least once a month. I’ve done a huge climb from the hell I was just four years ago and she is the one who brought me through the storm. I thank you for you words and yes therapy and working through all of the hell, the uglier the more the necessity of therapy and patience with ourselves. Understanding that it was a lifetime of nightmares and these memories as you say, if we try to erase them, we erase the good along with this. Hang onto the good and hope, but never give up on your dreams of having a happy life. It is there and you never know when the door will open, ty 🙂

  8. Trish,
    So good to know you have come so far.
    Most therapists have not learned the few methods available that can actually prevent relapses and due to this they are not aware it is possible.
    Keep exploring Ralph :o)

  9. Do you mind if I quote a few of your articles as long as I provide credit and sources back to your
    weblog? My blog is in the very same niche as yours and my visitors would definitely benefit from some of
    the information you provide here. Please let me know if this ok
    with you. Cheers!

    1. Hi Teena, thanks and yes you are invited to please keep sharing all information to help those still hidling. We cannot share the message unless we all come together in this mission. I would however like to ask if you will be sure to maintain and respect the copyrighted material and use hyperlink to quote.
      thanks tons,
      great wishes your way
      trish 🙂

    1. Hi there and thanks, if you are serious about the writing and contest, please do share and perhaps send over any links that might provide me with some additional information,
      wishing you well,
      thank you,
      trish 🙂

  10. 472507 191215Can I basically say exactly what a relief to get someone who in fact knows what theyre dealing with on the internet. You in fact know how to bring a difficulty to light and make it critical. The diet ought to see this and fully grasp this side on the story. I cant believe youre not far more common because you undoubtedly hold the gift. 599893

  11. Thank you for sharing your story. You are very, very brave. I am so sorry that you had to endure that.
    I understand about that presence. Those feelings come back like they’re haunting you like an invisible monster. I hate it when people expect you to just get over it or don’t even acknowledge it at all. I have ended up staying away from most people that I know. I am dealing with it way better than I was before but because people are afraid to talk about it as the family’s deep dark secret, I stay to myself. I’m learning to talk myself through those feelings of someone’s invading my space and violating me but it is not easy.

    1. Fabulous comment, thank you for sharing. True so many family members turn away from us and society doesn’t want to hear about it, so we are forced to deal. Well if you wish to connect with other women survivors there is a safe place I started back in Nov 2010. If you are on Facebook please find me facebook.com/triciagirl62, friend me, join me and I can include you in Survivors World there or you can go to the new website, butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com – Scroll to bottom of page and find info for Survivors World, click SIGN UP and submit a request to join. The website group is for both men and women survivor victims of abuse and/or family/relationshp violence. We want to give support, coping techniques, friendship to anyone who may be at the point of ‘just deal’. Never alone, alsways available Survivors World. blessings and hugs – be brave my friend, it is a process of healing, grabbing for YOUR LIFE, YOUR FUTURE!!! xoxoxo trish

    2. thank you again, yes, PTSD in survivors of abuse and/or violence in their home suffer the same, some more intense, emotional battle wounds as our soldiers. We call the soldiers Heroes, we call survivors ‘Liars’. Imagine such a thing in our society today. Where is the compassion? What about the wounds we carry and support for those who love us? Why is there such a huge difference when there is documented statements, research, studies by CDC and Mental Health, when will we accept how vicious these types of crimes can be??? never be silent again, trish

  12. My heart goes out to you. I too still live with what was done to me even though I left the ‘family’ in which I was abused forty years ago. I wish that I could suggest a therapy, but I was victimized by my ‘therapists’ as well and do not trust the profession. All I can give is love and sympathy.

    The only other thing I can say to you is that we should network, since there are so many of us, to put each other in positions of power so that we can become a political and economic force to change the world. We are surrounded by people who want to ignore this evil, but there are so many of us in the world that surely we can defeat them.

    1. I always feel sad when I see a person say that due to the therapy they have received they are no longer prepared to take a chance with a therapist again.
      Traumatic Incident Reduction (TIR) is a method that is comparatively rapid and can bring permanent results. Although it is becoming more widespread, therapists are badly needed to train in the method. While I practice TIR and have seen its results I do believe there are other methods that can get very good results. Sadly, they are just not necessarily the methods that are most widely practiced.
      You need to be assured that you will not be re-traumatised and the method is not in any way experimental, that the outcomes are documented and predictable.

      Audition your therapist, relying on your gut to tell you if this is the right person for you.
      I believe you need someone who is trained to be fully present with a sufferer, who does not blame, evaluate or judge and who is able to accept whatever you tell them without surprise or disbelief. You may need to revisit traumatic incidents in order to see them clearly enough that they will lose their pain and their ability to trigger symptoms but not if their results are patchy or give rise to further pain. To read more, simply Google: ptsd, did your therapist pass the audition?
      If you feel something is wrong in your therapy, it is. And is isn’t you.

      Note: TIR has now been added to the National Registry of Evidence-Based Programs and Practices (NREPP) in the USA (and the equivalent list in Canada). The list is maintained by the government agency SAMHSA, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration who rigorously investigate therapeutic interventions before considering their inclusion.

      To all who are suffering this way, please don’t give up hope. Keep searching till you find someone who can help you gain the recovery you deserve.

      [To Trish, your work is golden, a gift to the world, in defense of those abused, giving weight to awareness and prevention and promoting healing and empowerment. ]

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