Surviving, living, believing, achieving; Healing from Abuse!!

Posted Nov. 13,2012

via Michal Madison

It was another restless night of haunting memories and emotions!!

Its been awhile since I’ve posted a blog, but there are some things that are rushing around in my head this morning, actually they’ve been swimming around in there since yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday, as I was online building the information on the new website, a phone call comes into my cell about 2pm; it’s a programmed number which should have still been blocked, so not sure the how or why she was able to get through. The name popped up and there it was, THE WITCH – THE MOTHER!!

Now I’ve posted before about letting go of the toxic people who are supposed to be family and support us, but I know this is a very difficult process, especially when it’s our parent. Mother is the only parent I’ve ever actually known. She left Dad when I was three and at five I was kept from the family who would have protected me and did not see any of them again until I was eighteen and at my grandfather’s funeral. The one that clung to me that day is the last one who had hugged me good-bye so very long ago. Miss You Grandma!!!

About five years ago now I finally got brave enough to say the words I’d never spoken to Mother before, F**k you as I marched out her front door and never looked back. How dare she blame me for all that had happened!! How dare she first admit what she allowed him to do, what she knew he was doing, and the many bruises she saw from the aftermath of his attacks; then blame the child that endured them!!!

I decided that last day I would never speak with her again.

About four years ago I went public with my own true horror story of the atrocities against me; the community that watched a child rot away in a house of evil; and how it all trained me to believe there would be nothing different in my life. Their ignorance of these abuses left me believing no one cared enough to help me and there was no value in my existence. I must say I was wrong about that last part. God and Creator have guided me and protected me, have brought me to where I am today; a life filled with respect, kindness, patience, love, happiness, FREEDOM!!

Each voicemail was not a request for forgiveness, but rather saying, “I am willing to forget all that you said and forgive you!!!” She has some nerve, telling me she forgives me; forgives me for what??? What exactly was it that her 5 year old daughter did to deserve the next twelve years of molestation, beatings, sadistic rape by a shotgun barrel, or the trafficking out for sick pleasure and beer money; what did this child do that Mother should forgive???

It angers me that her voice can still set me off into a whirlwind. Simply seeing her name pop up on my cell caused an instant shock and downward spiral on my day.

Her voicemails started off asking me to call and resolve the issues about publishing ‘My Justice’. Two of them ended with her crying and asking why I would do such a thing. Two others ended with threats of legal action against myself, and against Bink. What she doesn’t seem to realize first of all, is that he has absolutely nothing to do with this publication, nor is there any marriage for her to come after what few assets we have.

A part of me sincerely hopes she steps forward and brings legal action against me. You see, I’ve never went public with her name or the names of anyone in my immediate family. It would be a great pleasure to stand in a courtroom and show the extremities, now covered with the deep scars from rot, which grew like black mold to cover my body. It would give me great pleasure to introduce the world to the woman who allowed her daughter to be physically eaten by the infection of abuse and terror that surrounded her existence. The times when Mother saw me in bed naked at nine with his erection lying next to me. The time she allowed him to buy the see-through gown from Victoria Secrets for her then twelve year old daughter. The dates she allowed her thirteen year old daughter to attend when it should have been just the two of them. How she watched him ‘teach’ me to slow dance in public while an entire bar watched the child drink up the whiskey and be groped on the dance floor. The mornings she viewed the belt marks and bruises from her daughter’s battle the night before and never spoke a concerned word about any of it!!!

Will she have the courage and the stupidity to come forward and name herself as the mother of this child??? Only time will tell!!!

The saddest part of it all is how the lifelong effects are still with me and still able to be angered by her actions and the sound of her voice. Is it really that I haven’t fully healed or is it the deep impact left on the child? Isn’t it normal for a child to want a parent to love and protect them, believe in their value and encourage their possibilities? She was all I had as a blood connection to any parent. I didn’t want to let go, because I always hoped she would one day see my worth as a human being. Unfortunately, the day has never come and once in a while she sneaks back in to remind me of this truth.

Sadly it is a truth for many of us who survived the vicious attacks and sickness of abuse from our parents. Those who we were taught should protect and guide us; instead harm, degrade, and strip away our very soul, then act as if we are to blame for the cruelty against us.

So, as I vent to you today, I have to admit that as much as I speak about empowering the voices of others to speak up for their freedom in life, it is with great sorrow that I admit; “She got to me again!!!”

Yes, we’ve talked, posted, and shared about the many lifelong traumas that inflict the survivor of abuse and violence. I’ve shared on previous blogs the scientific proof from National Institute of Mental Health and Government Affairs reports of how the trauma of the many years in sadistic brutal abuse and neglect leaves the survivor to carry lifelong issues of PTSD, DEPRESSION, DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTIONS, FIBROMYALGIA and other such physical and mental health problems.

I believe, that even for some of the parents today who are abusers and neglecters of their children; that this is a curse from times past and it is possible to recover and be better for your children!!

Do we ever fully recover or are we in a constant mode of recovering?

When we heal from the inside we become better, stronger, more capable of facing the daily issues of life and parenting!!! I also believe like learning to live as a recovering addict, we have to recognize the scars of the abuse, accept what it has done to us and find coping skills to manage through. It’s important that we become emotionally strong enough to cope with the stressors that can set us off. We have to review our own actions and emotional responses to see how the scars have invaded our ability to cope within our adult world and family. However, it is a work – in – progress!!!

Each time we can stand against the emotional reaction charged from the abuse and trauma, we have achieved a new success!!! It is to be admired, awarded in some small way, show yourself how important it is that you didn’t let it set you off, you were able to recognize your reaction and stop it from happening; THIS IS A HUGE SUCCESS!!!

As well as having the days of those little successes, we of course have those days we feel the cut of having our negative responses and feeling the frustration of the downward racing spiral!!! Yes we will have bad days, there will be things that set us off and trigger our anger, sadness, isolation, and more. Don’t be afraid to admit this to yourself. Know that it is perfectly normal to have this. It’s alright and with each time you face those days they become building blocks of your recovery. Don’t be ashamed that a day has come that you have problems coping? There is no shame, only honor in being a survivor!!!

Never give up hope of one day being free and having your life to enjoy!!

Never stop dreaming of what you can achieve!!

Never stop believing in your value; the purpose given to you at birth!!

When you need a friend to help you get through a bad day or a bad moment, never be afraid of speaking out and asking for some guidance and support!!! Know there are hundreds of voices speaking out against the crimes of abuse and the generational acceptance to family violence. You will find a friend who understands the plight you face and will help you find your sense of peace!!!

If you are lost in these lifelong impacts of abuse or violence; please search out Abuse and Violence Support in your browser or Facebook, there is always help available!!! If you are swept away and need a voice to speak with call the hotline numbers to speak with someone and find a local support group in your area where you can connect with others like yourself.

You are never alone!!! You never have to remain silent about the pain you carry!!!

You’re invited to visit the new website for a full-page of resources and listing of hotline numbers;  http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com

Join me and others in the online support group – Survivors World

Both men and women; victims and survivors are welcomed; together we can help heal each other!!!

Join in and sign the guest book for ‘Generation No More’; hoping to empower and encourage everyone to build prevention and rescue in their own community!!

Positive Thoughts for You

You DESERVE a safe place to sleep

You DESERVE respect

You DESERVE kindness and support

You DESERVE as much love as you freely give to others

You DESERVE roses in your garden of life

(c) ‘My Justice’

pub. Feb 2011

Patricia A. McKnight

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Host/Survivor

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

SCARS OF DISREGARD FOR MEDICAL CARE!!!

Left & Right Arms

Right & Left Leg

Published by @Trecia_Ann

Recently, Facebook locked and removed my decade long creation of work and public profile, which focused my work as an advocate, speaker, mentor, and creator of more than a few programs used throughout Illinois, but also shared nationally and some have reached international platforms. So.... let's start fresh and see where it goes! Please see the writings on this blog dating back into 2011, created after the publication of 'My Justice'. There are two specifically, which have been tagged and shared by many....."Judging Eyes" and "Triggers; what they are and how to handle them" I am a survivor of over thirty years trapped inside the silence and brutality of Family Facilitated Violence, Torture, and Child Sex Trafficking. In Feb. 2011, I chose to publish the secrets and the horrors endured; the many levels of destruction and decay which the community around me witnessed, ignored, condemned and blamed regardless of the injuries and tortures endured. It all became the learned patterns of self-hatred and tolerance which was a huge factor in my adult life. Have you endured childhood harm, or endured terroristic types of abuses? Did you feel unworthy of life, breathing, love or respect? Did you feel as if no one ever really saw you, heard you, or seemed to care about the silent cruelties of your existence? It wasn't until I honestly began a strong focus on healing myself, which took years of researching credible data and published research surrounding the lasting effects of abuse, violence, sexual harm, and human trafficking that I began to understand who I was and why there were many traits and tragedies that influenced my adult choices, relationships, the chaos deep in my soul and the behaviors used to survive. It seemed to control everything inside me and it was filled with pain, and tragedy. The research became my rebuilding journey and my road to advocacy, creating legislative changes, sitting as an active member and providing testimony in the creation of area task force operations, victim/survivor services, trauma informed awareness for law enforcement, educators, social services, healthcare and community providers. I began that research of understanding myself in 2008, wrote the memoir "My Justice' in 2010, began working to change statutes in my home state in 2013, became a Certified DV Advocate and Panel Member of DV Offender Education Program in 2015, which then initiated a decade long career as a trusted, confidential advocate, and a highly skilled and knowledgeable speaker/educator on the topic of Assessment, Family/Survivor Rebuilding, Trauma Informed Care & Response, with the primary focus on family/relationship acts of terroristic abuses and/or human trafficking. Beginning in January 2010 there have been developed programs and connected resources for men, women, children, and families who endured these same types of tragedies. Unfortunately, our human society still has barriers to seek help or speak openly about these types of tragedies, especially if it happened in our homes and families. The laws to protect from such harms were enacted for children in 1963, as an amendment to the Social Security Act. Domestic Violence was not a topic until 1995, when then Senator Joe Biden introduced the Violence Against Women Act, which has since been adapted to provide shelters, counseling, protection orders, and rebuilding services for ALL persons regardless of gender or identity. Although slavery was brought to an end by the historical act of President Abraham Lincoln, we unfortunately have millions of human beings still being traded, sold, controlled and trapped in a hellish evil, which often begins by a parent or intimate partner. Legislation didn't arise regarding the term 'Human Trafficking' until the turn of the new millennium. Protection for victims of human trafficking was signed into law as the 'Trafficking In Persons Act of 2000', which with modern day social media it quickly became a new hot-topic point, which then sparked the creation of Trauma Informed Care, Rebuilding & Trauma Therapy, and thus adult survivors began speaking out about the dark terrifying reality of Child Sex Trafficking. Today many use the term, Modern Day Slavery, and we have multi-faceted task force operations and rescue resources working around the globe to end this new form of human slavery. We also have a few hundred thousand or more who are adult survivors of histories involving Parental Child Sex Trafficking. In one recent study from 2018, they found 85% of these victims were trafficked by parents in trade for drugs, family needs, or basic human survival. As I look back on the career that grew from my own personal need to understand the chaos in my head, the constant failed relationships and almost murderous acts committed against me; as I deal with increasing health problems that includes multiples of head and spinal cord traumas; the most important goal for me from day one of this extremely personal experience; the healing and rebuilding of my own children and grandchildren who were all continued generational victims of the trauma influenced behaviors and choices that resulted from the destruction enforced by my mother and stepfather many decades ago. The little girl, 'Trecia Ann', she survived pure evil as an entire community witnessed, shamed, blamed, and dismissed the visible decay and rot, stench and filth covered, battered and intoxicated body of a young girl who was publicly exploited and shared in the bars of that small town, in her home with boys she attended school with and adult men from the local coalmine. It was as if they all got a thrill from watching her respond to the ring of that little brass bell. They laughed, molested, raped, and purchased for a few bucks or a few beers the sexual use of that young girl right in full public view! Her mother held the power to stop it all, but rather enjoyed having a 'slave' to cook, clean, care for the family as well as entertain the sadistic alcoholic man she chose to marry. Today, I'm so honored and proud to have that little girl's spirit with me. It is through the use of my lived experience, along with a decade of research, and at least five certifications in prevention, response, and trauma; I've assisted a few hundred survivors through the multilevel process of rebuilding and reclaiming their voice, their safety, their freedom! I've trained law enforcement, healthcare, childrens service investigators, our school educators, and co-presented in trainings with some outstanding experts in the field. For the many I've assisted or empowered, they continue becoming thriving survivors, advocates, authors, speakers, and most important of all; they are healing their children and grandchildren! It is a truly beautiful experience and I am so amazed to have been a spark, a resource, or a friend in their life reclaiming freedom. The adult children of generations past have broken through the glass ceiling and finally there is a hint of change in the world. "A lifetime filled with daily torture, tragedy, and pain creates someone completely different than we should have been. We feel that person inside, but our lives are altered by the emotional and physical suffering. We cover it up and hide it deep inside through substance abuse, which falsely helps us believe we are doing fine. The extreme physical and emotional injuries leave our mental and physical selves terribly impacted. Thankfully there is more information and resources of help available today for all types of adverse or traumatic experiences. We have specialized therapeutic help and healthcare professionals developing new ways to identify and assist persons harmed or at risk of harm. We have so much more to do, so please help by having casual open conversations with your friends, family, coworkers, leaders, and especially our kids. Teach them early how to avoid both online and in person harms. Encourage adults and kids both to use the BDA Buddy Skills 2.0, which you will find through my list of assessments and prevention strategies. "My Justice' was written through my own beginning of acknowledging and releasing the personal destruction of the girl once known as 'Trecia Ann'. It is not an easy read, but it has opened many eyes about the reality of evil that occurs inside our homes, against those too small to protect themselves or understand what's happening. It was published to release the thick layers of trauma, sex trafficking, and disfiguring neglect. It is the voice of the enslaved child who existed only to answer the ring of 'his' bell, and the enforced burden to keep my own private terrorist alive. 'My Justice' is NOT SUGGESTED FOR ANYONE UNDER 16 years of age. It discusses the permanently wounding life and the cycle of destruction that held me in tolerating ridicule, control, and violence in my adult relationships. This truth was published to inspire others to take an in-depth look at their life and behaviors as a result of their past, in hopes they too will better understand their suffering today, the continued relationships with the parents and family who inflicted those harms, and finally breaking free from that pain so they can reclaim their voice and their true sense of freedom! We always have the opportunity to learn that we are worthy, capable, incredibly strong, compassionate, and filled with endless possibilities. It is a choice. It is a conscious decision to dig into our trauma, take ownership of our own failures, the harm our choices have caused, and the work we need to do to change it and succeed for ourselves and our families. It is such an honor to have 'My Justice' used at the collegiate level for psychology classes, upcoming therapists, and educators. Today my life is very blessed. I'm finally safe, feel truly loved, finally feeling the magic of life! Always choose to see your star and how it shines on others in your journey. My greatest power only began to show when I first made the choice to end the violent relationships and behaviors around my children; to give them something better, something SAFE!! In choosing to share my own story, I've also gone the serious extra step to educate myself through years of research, attending training opportunities, and collaborating with other advocate resources focused in human resilience and healing from abuse, sexual harm, and sex trafficking. Today there are experts digging deep to recreate help and healing. I've chosen to use my past as a way to inspire a greater good and; hopefully, somehow change the cycle of tragedy in our homes so that we empower our kids to live a more positive path. The best education we can give is healing our survivors of traumatic experiences so we understand what they felt then and what they wish they would have had available; those who could have and should have said something. We can change things for our life today, but best of all in healing our wounds, we give communities a supportive working strategy in assisting the people in our lives. One step at a time, one caring soul at a time, we can give them a path to changing our human society as a whole. This is a tell-all, which was written in the midst of my third nervous breakdown as I struggled to put all my distorted pieces back together, and help my children understand how the violence I tolerated against me invaded their well-being. My children have always been my world, but my behaviors, lack of healthy parenting and life skills, and an inability to remain stable have caused another generation of suffering for my grandchildren. This is a very difficult thing to watch and the continued tragedies that seem to keep affecting the choices in my family. Writing this book was only the beginning of trying to release all that has haunted me for so many years. I have finally removed his thick, cruel, coal-stained hand which trapped me in fear for decades. Those hands and his evil, her housemaid and caregiver; created a slave, and that slave submitted to horrific and brutal attacks but always felt it was her burden to bear. I lived with that hand holding me down, continually terrorizing and silencing, stealing my voice to protect their pure evil. Throughout decades the dysfunction caused by the chaos inside my head would affect every relationship, my children, and cast a shadow of darkness on everything good in my life. Living in the true spirit of freedom, I have now become a strong advocate against the life cycle of human destruction. If we want to control our life and achievements today, then we cannot live stuck in the tragedy of hardships and pain. Life is meant to be lived, to be enjoyed, to see what you can do and what you can achieve, to find out what is important to you. We all become adults. We all have a burden to bear. Stand up and keep moving, keep living, keep dreaming. You have two choices in recreating and rebuilding yourself. Do you stay stuck in the dark shadows of your past? Do you dig deep and find that spirit that kept you alive so that you can become the proud, strong, capable, resilient, kind human being? Which do you choose and how will that choice affect your children and theirs? We can be supportive, and provide resources and suggest help so that families suffering from addiction or past trauma can find a recovery balance to rebuild their family into a more positive life pattern. We will recover, we will rebuild, we will conquer the pains of yesterday to live in the true sense of life, freedom, and safety today. Patricia 'Trish' McKnight Author: 'My Justice' Fndr/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Alliance, NFP Mentor/Advocate/Speaker/Survivor

2 thoughts on “Surviving, living, believing, achieving; Healing from Abuse!!

  1. Reblogged this on survivorsjustice and commented:

    This post directly is directly related to our broadcat of Survivors World on the show last night. Learn to stand firm in the heaking glory you are today. Find something you can hold onto as youwalk the long path of a self destructive life all as a result of you suffered trauma no matter what that pain may be! Bless you all with strength and hope of a better way. Move forward and heal with many others by visiting http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

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