Touch the magic present and tear away the wrapping…..

There’s been this child inside of me who hid in the dark shadows of my soul; lately she’s been peeking around the corner to see what it’s like outside. She feels the warmth of sunshine and wants so intensely to touch, laugh, play. She wants to check out the world and all of her possibilities. She questions leaving the safety within; she desires to live in all that ‘Trish’ has built around them.

The child given a new life, now smiling with the magic talents of Michal Madison
“Trecia Ann”

There’s something pulling the puppet strings. “Is it her? Does she want to take part now? What will others think of her?” She hasn’t stepped into the sun for over 40 years, but she’s not the same anymore. Everything about her world has changed. She’s loosened the little hands, which gripped so tightly to hold her safe all these years. I can feel her wanting to live, but she’s not quite sure how.

There have been so few moments when I’ve felt her at all. Its like when the monster snatched her up on the couch long ago, she climbed inside of this closet and did all she could to keep the light from breaking through the cracks.

She did come out to hold my children and expressed such great joy with a little girl’s giggle as she played in their lives. Then she was gone again and I’ve not felt her since. I had no clue she was still there. Every moment of the past years have been so terrifying that she kept putting layers of duct tape on the walls of my soul. She did this so she wouldn’t have to feel anything. She didn’t want to feel, nothing had ever felt safe, or good, or happy. Even the good moments when she peeled  the corners of tape back to let a moment with the children shine inside; like when she saw their faces on Christmas morning; when they woke up on Easter to seek out their baskets of candy, or when they dressed for Halloween and went racing through the streets to collect as many treats as possible. These are the moments that have sparked joy for her, but those moments have disappeared as the children have grown and moved on.

There’s been a three year span of her pulling back the heavy layers of tape from the walls. Slowly, quietly, sneaking and testing to see if it’s all really as good as she thinks.

“Has it really become safe now? Are the years of pain and torture, broken hearts and busted dreams; are they really gone?”

I do feel like they are. There hasn’t been anything to fear in about 8 years. ‘Trish’ has been able to let her feel ANYTHING again. This man has reached inside to hold ‘Trecia Ann’ and guide her to light very gently. When he sees her playing and showing through, he lights up. ‘Trecia’ can see the gleam in his eye as he looks at her.

‘ I don’t think he knows who he is seeing though. He thinks he sees ‘Trish’, but to me, he makes me feel ‘Trecia’ smiling.’

‘Does he know what it touches in me to see him smile at her, be proud of her, hold her, protect her, even guide her through to a new awakening?’

It’s like magic!! Like Santa personally handing me a present and saying, ‘It’s Ok, you’ve done a fabulous job of protecting her, but she doesn’t have to keep all that armor on any longer. She can remove those many layers of wrapping and spring to life.

Inside it feels as if ‘Trecia Ann’ is looking at her beautiful magic present but has no clue how to open it. She’s careful with this present. She’s afraid she’ll do something, anything, and Santa will take it back; sending ‘Trecia’ back into the dark shadows of her closet of safety.

I can hear her asking, ‘Can I lift off the gift wrap and see what’s inside this beautiful present?’ I really don’t know what to say to her. A part of me wants to grab and rip at the paper of this gift like the five year old excited child she is, but then the woman of me wants to set it aside like a ticking time bomb and call in the bomb squad to scan it and ensure there is no trigger wire there that might make it explode.

I feel God finally heard her plea, now He is whispering in her ear and saying, “Go ahead my child. It’s your present. I’ve been holding onto her, but its your turn now. Don’t worry you won’t hurt her. You don’t have to be afraid of her. Look into those magic eyes, see her? She wants to be part of you again. She loves what you’ve done, but she wants to come home and be with you now.”

I feel my arms reaching out to hold her. They wrap around her, cradle her on my lap and rock her safely as I hum a soft lull-a-bye. She’s looking at me with questions in her child like expression. She curious, but yet sparked with joy; she can’t stay in the dark any longer.

Although I’m feeling this sense of a magical gift, it also seems as if many don’t like this child. It’s like all, even her own children are trying to keep her in the taped up darkness, but she wants to keep ripping it away. She’s just so afraid other’s will be ashamed of all she has done, maybe she’s the one who is bad? “Is this why she hid away all these years?”

Her family only knows the ‘Trish’ who has been building these walls. They don’t understand why the walls are cracked and crooked. They don’t want to see ‘Trecia Ann’. “Is it because she reminds them of all that happened? Is it because she’s talking so much and won’t be silent like ‘Trish’ has been all these years? Did they forget she ever existed?” I’ve always felt her there, protected and hiding inside, waiting and closing herself off to the world so no one would see her.

I can’t help what’s happening now. I don’t want to lock her away any more. This man that has helped her feel again, he’s listened, he’s heard her scream, he’s put a light bright enough to shine through the cracks. The little girl is waking from a deep dark sleep and never wants to go back and think of those horrible dreams.

She hugs God and says to Him, ‘Thank you dear Lord for holding me in Your arms all this time.” With her child ways she reaches over and tenderly kisses his cheek. The spark He put into those eyes long ago is now back and its glowing like a magic ball.

I look up to Creator and ask Him if He really believes I can take care of this child now? “Does He believe I can give her the wonderful happiness and honor she deserves for being so courageous and hanging on so tightly all this time?

“Can I really give her life? Will she stay with me and help me help others now to take down their heavy tape which binds their child in secret? Will she and I really be able to feel as one?”

We must and we will help others see their child, to reach out to them and help them comfort all they are. For many, like ‘Trecia Ann’, it is as if the shattered woman who built their shell is putting the pieces together. The shell was busted by all the heavy blows from the fists, but it’s all gone now. There is a glow of light shining in and it’s really life now. The woman sees her puzzle and finds there is a child rather than a shameful monster she thought existed there.

Putting the puzzle of our life together and connecting with the reflection of the child lying in wait, this is magical, this is a present of life. It has finally found its way to me and I really hope in some way I can help others to build their castle of dreams. To see the hope that has finally been answered; to see the roses blossoming from the thorny stem. It is your turn now to climb the lattice and reach the warm of the sun, touch the magic present and tear away the wrapping.

“Do you hear the child’s giggle as she peeks outside to play?”

Enjoy her and rejoice in all she has done. Be admirable of her endurance to remain there waiting for you to see and hear her. Listen and you will hear her heart beating!!!

Patricia 'Trish' McKnight(c)Patricia A. McKnight

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Radio Host/Survivor

http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Photo Art – Michal Madison

Watercolor Artist/Advocate/Radio Host/Survivor

http://www.michalmadisonart.com

Michal Madison Art
‘The Rose Within’
by: Michal Madison

 

Published by @ButterflyTrish

I am a survivor of over thirty years trapped inside the silence and brutality of Family Crimes, Child Sex Trafficking, and a life lived pattern of tolerance for over 30 years in almost murderous relationships. In Feb. 2011 I chose to publish the truth about what happened in our home, the community around me, and the learned patterns of self-hatred and tolerance which became such a huge factor in my life. My life today was built through publishing 'My Justice'. I never would felt worthy of life, breathing, love & respect with first healing myself. There were many things the traits and tragedies that influenced my life seemed to control everything inside me and it was nothing but sadness and fake emotions. Only by facing the horrors I went through, the choices I made as a woman & mother, then relating to the greatest guilt I have; how the trauma behavior has affected my children's lives. It's my hope to help others get through their battles, regardless of the type of trauma because when we hurt our lives are forever changed. This graphic, violent memoir is NOT SUGGESTED FOR ANYONE UNDER 14 years of age. It discusses the permanently wounding life and the cycle of destruction that held me in expecting/tolerating ridicule and violence in my adult relationships. This truth was published to inspire others to take an in-depth look at their life and behaviors as a result of their past. Connect the dots of your rebuilding in understanding the pattern of adult choices in coping addictions, parenting, and partners; even affecting our careers and self-sustainable life. I'm so honored to have 'My Justice' used at the collegiate level for psychology classes, upcoming therapists and educators. Today my life is very blessed. I'm finally safe, finally truly loved, finally feeling the magic of what life is supposed to be like. My greatest power only began to show when I first made the choice to end the violent relationships and behaviors around my children; to give them something better, something SAFE!! In choosing to share my own story, I've also gone that serious extra step to educate myself through years of research, attending training opportunity, and collaborating with other advocate resources, abuse, sexual harm, and the experts digging deep to recreate help and healing. I've chosen to use my past as a way to inspire a greater good; hopefully somehow change the cycle of tragedy in our homes so that we empower our kids to live a more positive path. The best education we can give, is a survivor of traumatic experiences who can use what they felt then and what they wish they would have had available; those who could have and should have said something. We can change things for our life today, but best of all in healing our wounds, we give communities a supportive working strategy in assisting the people in our lives. One step at a time, one caring soul at a time, we can give them a path to changing our human society as a whole. This is a tell all, which was written in the midst of my third nervous breakdown as I struggled to put all my distorted pieces back together, help my children understand how the violence I tolerated against me invaded their emotional well-being. My children have always been my world, but my behaviors, lack of healthy parenting and life skills, and an inability to remain stable has caused another generation of suffering for my grandchildren. This is a very difficult thing to watch and the continued tragedies that seem to keep affecting the choices in my family. Writing this book was only the beginning of trying to release all that has haunted me for so many years. I have finally removed his thick, cruel, coal stained hand which trapped me in fear for decades. Those hands and his evil, her housemaid and caregiver; they created a slave and that slave submitted to horrific and brutal attacks but always felt it was her burden to bare. I lived with that hand holding me down to terrorize and steal away my voice, holding me captive in the dysfunction of the aftermath and casting a shadow of darkness on everything good in my life. Living in the true spirit of freedom, I have now become a strong advocate against the life cycle of human destruction. We cannot live stuck in the tragedy of hardships and pain. Life is meant to be lived, to be enjoyed, to see what you can do and what you can achieve, to find out what is important to you. We all become adults. We all have a burden to bare. Stand up and keep moving, keep living, keep dreaming. You have two choices in recreating and rebuilding yourself. Do you stay stuck in the dark shadows of your past? Do you dig deep and find that spirit that kept you alive so that you could become the proud, strong, capable, resilient, kind human being ? Which do you choose and how will that choice affect your children and theirs? We can be supportive, provide resources and suggestions for help so that families suffering with addiction or past trauma themselves can find a recovery balance to rebuild their family in a more positive life pattern. We will recover, we will rebuild, we will conquer the pains of yesterday to live in the true sense of life, freedom and safety today. Patricia 'Trish' McKnight Author: 'My Justice' Fndr/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Alliance, NFP Mentor/Advocate/Speaker/Survivor

11 thoughts on “Touch the magic present and tear away the wrapping…..

  1. Trish, you can look after her, let her come out of that dark place, and see the light. Tell her that she is now safe, she is protected from all harm. She is getting ready to re-appear, and she just needs to know that she is not the “bad” one, she did nothing wrong. So often that is how we feel towards our inner child, I think anyway, and I know it took me so many many years to reach out to my inner child, but as you know, she is now free, and happy. The darkness has now come to light, she just needs a little more re-assurance, and then will come out more often to play and see the new life that is awaiting her. She will become one with you Trish, she just needs that little coaxing. The monsters are now gone from her life, she is now free..Big hugs my friend..love you . ♥

    1. Mary, you my dear have created such magic with your poetry and it is how you allow your child to be heard. I too in writing allow that inner child who held on to all the darkness to live and be heard, now we are moving forward to protect others from being harmed and empower all to come out and play, thank you dear, big hugs 😉

  2. “Remember a little bit of kindness can go a long way to set forth a change in our society and stop the plague of abuse and violence that has taken over our homes and our schools.” Trish McKnight. Thank you for sharing in such a powerful way…we have so far to go in protecting our children. We need more brave people like you! The denial is hurting our children deeply.

    1. Laurie, yes a little bit of kindness and caring about another can create an entire new habit for mankind, one that will lead us all into a better place. There are so very many children who are being held in silence while being beaten, molested, murdered and tortured. Only by caring and willing to stand up for them can we ever expect to protect them. I hope that more will be part of the new Generation No More, find it on http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com – blessings and thank you 🙂

    1. thank you for your comment, was hoping it would allow other readers to feel their inner child and the new beginning 🙂 trish

  3. Hi Trish. I cried the whole way through reading this post. Am still crying. Thanks for the healing and congrats for yours. It’s huge. Tremendous. Your journey rings so many bells with mine. I think what really struck a note for me is the idea of playing. I have mourned the inability to play for decades and now, after so many years and so much suffering, I’m safe and secure… and I want to play. I don’t have anyone to play with me now, but I’m sure God will send the opportunities in His time. Big hugs and love to you!

    1. Julie, so sorry you’re crying, not intended to hurt, but to allow us to see the child and woman trapped inside, waiting for us to connect with them again. You will and are making huge leaps and bounds, it is a path to the future and you will find your perfect mate to share as I have. bless you hon, many many hugs 😉 t

      1. No worries, Trish. Crying is a good thing for me. Cleansing. It lets me know that something is important and has hit a nerve and that my soul is responding to it.

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