Choose your path and CUT THE TIES THAT BIND YOU!! To live in your FREEDOM is truly your choice!!!
This is an interesting way to see what lies inside the rock you have built around your pain to help protect those buried emotions, begin your recovery by looking on the inside and sharing it on the outside, Tricia
Gotta share this; Isn’t physical and emotional, spiritual full body health & wellbeing a huge part of the Abuse Recovery Process – Love what this blog is sharing!!! Please check it out 🙂
There’s been this child inside of me who hid in the dark shadows of my soul; lately she’s been peeking around the corner to see what it’s like outside. She feels the warmth of sunshine and wants so intensely to touch, laugh, play. She wants to check out the world and all of her possibilities. She questions leaving the safety within; she desires to live in all that ‘Trish’ has built around them.
There’s something pulling the puppet strings. “Is it her? Does she want to take part now? What will others think of her?” She hasn’t stepped into the sun for over 40 years, but she’s not the same anymore. Everything about her world has changed. She’s loosened the little hands, which gripped so tightly to hold her safe all these years. I can feel her wanting to live, but she’s not quite sure how.
There have been so few moments when I’ve felt her at all. Its like when the monster snatched her up on the couch long ago, she climbed inside of this closet and did all she could to keep the light from breaking through the cracks.
She did come out to hold my children and expressed such great joy with a little girl’s giggle as she played in their lives. Then she was gone again and I’ve not felt her since. I had no clue she was still there. Every moment of the past years have been so terrifying that she kept putting layers of duct tape on the walls of my soul. She did this so she wouldn’t have to feel anything. She didn’t want to feel, nothing had ever felt safe, or good, or happy. Even the good moments when she peeled the corners of tape back to let a moment with the children shine inside; like when she saw their faces on Christmas morning; when they woke up on Easter to seek out their baskets of candy, or when they dressed for Halloween and went racing through the streets to collect as many treats as possible. These are the moments that have sparked joy for her, but those moments have disappeared as the children have grown and moved on.
There’s been a three year span of her pulling back the heavy layers of tape from the walls. Slowly, quietly, sneaking and testing to see if it’s all really as good as she thinks.
“Has it really become safe now? Are the years of pain and torture, broken hearts and busted dreams; are they really gone?”
I do feel like they are. There hasn’t been anything to fear in about 8 years. ‘Trish’ has been able to let her feel ANYTHING again. This man has reached inside to hold ‘Trecia Ann’ and guide her to light very gently. When he sees her playing and showing through, he lights up. ‘Trecia’ can see the gleam in his eye as he looks at her.
‘ I don’t think he knows who he is seeing though. He thinks he sees ‘Trish’, but to me, he makes me feel ‘Trecia’ smiling.’
‘Does he know what it touches in me to see him smile at her, be proud of her, hold her, protect her, even guide her through to a new awakening?’
It’s like magic!! Like Santa personally handing me a present and saying, ‘It’s Ok, you’ve done a fabulous job of protecting her, but she doesn’t have to keep all that armor on any longer. She can remove those many layers of wrapping and spring to life.
Inside it feels as if ‘Trecia Ann’ is looking at her beautiful magic present but has no clue how to open it. She’s careful with this present. She’s afraid she’ll do something, anything, and Santa will take it back; sending ‘Trecia’ back into the dark shadows of her closet of safety.
I can hear her asking, ‘Can I lift off the gift wrap and see what’s inside this beautiful present?’ I really don’t know what to say to her. A part of me wants to grab and rip at the paper of this gift like the five year old excited child she is, but then the woman of me wants to set it aside like a ticking time bomb and call in the bomb squad to scan it and ensure there is no trigger wire there that might make it explode.
I feel God finally heard her plea, now He is whispering in her ear and saying, “Go ahead my child. It’s your present. I’ve been holding onto her, but its your turn now. Don’t worry you won’t hurt her. You don’t have to be afraid of her. Look into those magic eyes, see her? She wants to be part of you again. She loves what you’ve done, but she wants to come home and be with you now.”
I feel my arms reaching out to hold her. They wrap around her, cradle her on my lap and rock her safely as I hum a soft lull-a-bye. She’s looking at me with questions in her child like expression. She curious, but yet sparked with joy; she can’t stay in the dark any longer.
Although I’m feeling this sense of a magical gift, it also seems as if many don’t like this child. It’s like all, even her own children are trying to keep her in the taped up darkness, but she wants to keep ripping it away. She’s just so afraid other’s will be ashamed of all she has done, maybe she’s the one who is bad? “Is this why she hid away all these years?”
Her family only knows the ‘Trish’ who has been building these walls. They don’t understand why the walls are cracked and crooked. They don’t want to see ‘Trecia Ann’. “Is it because she reminds them of all that happened? Is it because she’s talking so much and won’t be silent like ‘Trish’ has been all these years? Did they forget she ever existed?” I’ve always felt her there, protected and hiding inside, waiting and closing herself off to the world so no one would see her.
I can’t help what’s happening now. I don’t want to lock her away any more. This man that has helped her feel again, he’s listened, he’s heard her scream, he’s put a light bright enough to shine through the cracks. The little girl is waking from a deep dark sleep and never wants to go back and think of those horrible dreams.
She hugs God and says to Him, ‘Thank you dear Lord for holding me in Your arms all this time.” With her child ways she reaches over and tenderly kisses his cheek. The spark He put into those eyes long ago is now back and its glowing like a magic ball.
I look up to Creator and ask Him if He really believes I can take care of this child now? “Does He believe I can give her the wonderful happiness and honor she deserves for being so courageous and hanging on so tightly all this time?
“Can I really give her life? Will she stay with me and help me help others now to take down their heavy tape which binds their child in secret? Will she and I really be able to feel as one?”
We must and we will help others see their child, to reach out to them and help them comfort all they are. For many, like ‘Trecia Ann’, it is as if the shattered woman who built their shell is putting the pieces together. The shell was busted by all the heavy blows from the fists, but it’s all gone now. There is a glow of light shining in and it’s really life now. The woman sees her puzzle and finds there is a child rather than a shameful monster she thought existed there.
Putting the puzzle of our life together and connecting with the reflection of the child lying in wait, this is magical, this is a present of life. It has finally found its way to me and I really hope in some way I can help others to build their castle of dreams. To see the hope that has finally been answered; to see the roses blossoming from the thorny stem. It is your turn now to climb the lattice and reach the warm of the sun, touch the magic present and tear away the wrapping.
“Do you hear the child’s giggle as she peeks outside to play?”
Enjoy her and rejoice in all she has done. Be admirable of her endurance to remain there waiting for you to see and hear her. Listen and you will hear her heart beating!!!
Photo Art – Michal Madison
Watercolor Artist/Advocate/Radio Host/Survivor
Have you or do you feel like you are the only one alive that acknowledges you ever existed, or that you matter at all? Have you let go of toxic family and those who choose to speak against you as you tell the truth of your life? Do you feel the heavy isolation around you, especially during the holidays? Are you the one like me who, as an empty nester, have no friends from the past or family you connect with at all?
It was very sad as I helped my dear true love with the passing of his last living parent today. It brought up tons of emotions for me and I felt so selfish discussing them with him, but I couldn’t hold back the tears.
It was and is wonderful to see his friends from school and his younger days of fun and hanging out, all reach out to comfort him. It was such a tender moment to see all those that cared and were concerned of his wellbeing.
Then there is me……
You see the kids are all grown and moved away, on with their lives as kids become adults and follow the cycle of life. It’s all good to see them in their days of laughter with their family and having those moments of joy with their children. It is beautiful to watch it grow.
About four years ago I cut off the connection with my mother; the toxic parent of my past. I was the only child born between her and my father, but sadly when I was five and she married the devil; she allowed the monster to control and cut off any and all communication with my dad and his family. Not until I was eighteen and my grandfather passed, was I permitted to have letters or talk on the phone with any of them. It was an instant and complete dissection.
There was a brother I grew up with from her first marriage; she had left her other two boys with their dad when she ran off to marry his best friend, which was my dad. She took her youngest boy of the three, who was only six months old; married Dad and then had me. In the marriage with the devil, the two of them had a daughter. As the three of us all grew up in the alcoholic fueled dysfunction; the severe rage, violence, sexual attacks and neglect were all directly aimed at only me. Not exactly sure of the why, but it is of no real concern I guess. I was the target of this madness and the others in my family knew, watched, heard, but they too were only children. Mother doesn’t count because she only saw me as her housekeeper, cook, babysitter, and caregiver; a replacement for when she didn’t feel like doing her duty as a parent or wife.
So not to confuse you, there were three boys my mother had, then me, then my younger sister. Dad remarried and he had three daughters and a son. I’ve only met the daughters once a very long time ago at Grandpa’s funeral. After the funeral however, I never heard from any of those relatives again. Thankfully I finally tracked down my dad and shared about four or five phone calls over the long years, until about I was about 38, then he was taken by cancer. However, no one bothered to search me down and let me know. It was as if I never existed. When I found an uncle about 10 years ago and he let me know Dad was gone, I spent the night curled up like a baby in bed crying like I had just seen him in the casket.
Now here I am, turning 50 next Friday, and I’m looking at my life; especially since publishing ‘My Justice’ and finally being able to speak the truth of all that happened. It is heartbreaking to see that my kids still deal with the emotional impact of living in the pattern of acceptance in my relationships. Believe me, if you don’t think your kids will be impacted by the violent attacks between you and your partner, the ongoing court and custody issues, the crying, yelling and begging for mercy; you need to then talk with an Adult Survivor of this type of family violence. You will clearly see and understand how it always passes forward to invade the next generation, even when you do all you can to keep it from them.
Don’t get me wrong the kids are not a total mess, but they are hurting in relationships and child rearing; this is clearly because of all they were forced to deal with and accept as normal in their world.
So moving on …….
It is hard to accept that I have all of these blood related siblings out in this world, a total of eight. There are some of whom I’ve reached out to and even directly emailed. All the blood cousins out there related on my dad’s side of the family, whom I’ve never met, but have also reached out to communicate; all of these blood relatives and NONE OF THEM WANT TO EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I’M ALIVE!!!
They don’t know me!! Many have never met me!! As much as I have tried reaching out through networking sites; still no one I’ve found has responded or shown any interest in getting acquainted!!!
It is extremely painful. Marjorie, my therapist, and I have been working on this for a while. We have come to the conclusion that even the abuse and neglect that I endured, the complete shunning from any relatives and family; it is all connected TO THE ORPHAN IN THE MIDDLE OF A FAMILY!!!
Of course, it is during the holidays when this bothers me the most. Now with the kids all out on their own, Robbie’s parents gone, knowing it is just he and I moving forward, as he is my Angel and Saving Grace; it is still so tearfully lonely.
It makes me long for some form of connection to my past existence; a friend, a relative, anyone who is willing to accept me as I am today, but be amazed because of what was then. It would be comforting to have a call from a friend or a message or card to say, “We know you and we also knew you then”
“Why do they all turn away? Why do they all act as if I’ve got the plague? Why do they act as if they’ve never heard of me? What did I ever do to be so completely shunned?”
It’s depressing to know I have all these blood siblings, but when God chooses to take me home; there will be no one there to connect with my children. No one related to me they can turn to. No one who will comfort their loss and be their friend; their connection to their Mom. My children are still paying the price for what others have done. This I cannot understand and it leaves my soul with a heavy darkness.
“How can we, the children of the parents that once were, knowing what was and how it all got so screwed up; how is it my children will pay the heavy burden of complete doneness when that time comes?”
I know that many have walked away from toxic family; have you anyone from your past that acknowledges your existence? Do you feel that heavy isolation still encircling all that you are? How can we simply brush it away without ever feeling so completely abandoned?
As heartfelt and tender as it was to witness all Robbie’s friends reach out to comfort him, I was surrounded by the dark thoughts of NOTHINGNESS!!!
Nothing and no one who is blood or history related to be in my present existence. We build family from the virtual friends from across the world, but does it really ever replace that sense of loss. Unfortunately for me it is still a work in progress and acceptance. I am who I am! The strength I have comes from what was. The knowledge I’ve learned I share to help others. The pain I’ve carried is almost healed. The shattered soul is almost repaired. “How can I complete the puzzle and put the emotions in place without having anyone around that validates all that has been?”
My hope is one day I will get there. I am on the other side of all the tragedy, but this is something much deeper than all those years of violence, evil, and scarring neglect. This is my DNA, it is what makes my ‘Six Degrees of Separation’ from all of those who should be connected.
Should you feel this heavy darkness and complete abandonment by those related, build on what you have, enjoy the moments you can, connect with the life you have in the present, then let Creator and His wonder handle the rest. My best for the holidays and beyond to each and all of you!!!
Find comfort in your strength to endure 🙂
(c)Patricia A. McKnight
Well, I’m turning fifty soon and I try to recall if I encouraged my children to chase their dreams and their full potential?
In my children’s youth I do recall appreciating all the sweet little playtime creations they came up with and shared with me. My son became an excellent artist at a young age and his talent grew as he did. By the time he was in eighth grade I was as excited as he was when his work was chosen for display. Instantly, I began encouraging his artwork, which I call his ‘God Given’ talent.
My girls, one middle child and my youngest, they too loved to color and draw. They definitely enjoyed giving me their gifts, which I still treasure. In fact, my refrigerator still displays a teddy bear magnet my youngest daughter made in third grade. There is also a gift my middle daughter made me about five years ago. It is a fabulous hand-made, paper mache` box covered with special photos from their childhood. This was the last of those special creative gifts I received, but I treasure each one they’ve ever made.
Anyway, as the kids got older it seemed my son always displayed who and what he wanted to do in his life. Not that he didn’t get distracted through the teen years and into mid twenties, as all children seem to do, but his creative talents and where it would lead into his career were always a part of who he was. Then I think of my girls. I know that I encouraged them, and still do, especially the need for their education; to be independent and live their life, but was this a dream they had that I supported and encouraged?
There were those wonderful moments I’ll never forget; like when they shared a dream to dance, sing, and being proud of just who they were. I enjoyed every breathtaking moment of watching my girls become beautiful young women, but I don’t recall encouraging any special type of career for them or that they had some dream of this type they shared with me.
My youngest had a big struggle in her early teens, much of which was doing what she had watched her brother and sister do and how that influenced her own developement and growth. All of my children had that difficult time in life beginning in their early teens, but my girls were much different from my son; they being dreamers of men giving them a life as a wife and mother. I’m not sure if they ever saw anything else for them or if I influenced any other type of existence for them.
They were all shown love, and encouraged to live their own life, but guiding them to become the responsible adults in life they needed to be; this was an impossible task for me. In truth guiding them was a challenge once they got into highschool. Is this because there was absolutely no guidance in my life?
There were no hopes, dreams, encouragement, nothing at all as I grew through those years. In fact, I don’t recall a single soul that gave a crap whether I lived or died. There was only Walter’s whore and the family’s slave; it seemed everything depended on what I did or didn’t do for someone else, but it wasn’t like I had any choice in the matter.
This was good in that I became an excellent caregiver of my family and I knew how I DID NOT want to raise them. They were loved, wanted, enjoyed, supported, and they still are, but guidance into a functioning adult life is something I didn’t have the capability of doing. Hell, I couldn’t bring myself to teach them how to drive or give them that indepence and responsibility that came with it!!!
I had no clue how to teach them the value of a dollar. It’s not that the four of us together ever had much, but I thought it a bad thing to teach them responsibility as this required discipline and that was a hard thing for me to inflict on my children. It was strange that I did well in my professional career, worked hard daily and then went home to cook and care for my kids. I led by example in matters of; be good to others; appreciate the small things, love with your heart, all of those things are good, but to function in everyday life is something many of our kids lack today. ‘I’m not demeaning anyone or any efforts here!!!’
As I come to present day, and life half over, a part of me still wonders about what would have been, IF?
What if I had been rescued in some way or influenced by a positive person? What if none of this would have happened? What if the five year old Trecia Ann had not been molested? What if the nine year old didn’t lay naked in the bed feeling his erection? What if the 12 year old wouldn’t have been raped by his shotgun barrel? What if the 13 year old wouldn’t have been taken on their dates? What if I knew anything other than drinking, drugs, sex, pain, fear, sadness? What if I would have had time to build on hopes and dreams instead of worrying about how my night would go and if I would still be alive tomorrow?
Who would I have become and how would I have influenced my children then? Would their lost path of teen years have been better balanced?
They were 14, 12 and 9 when we finally got away from all the screaming, fighting, crying and then they had to endure the maddening years of turbulence and custody arguments between their father and me. It was a mass of dysfunction for all of us, but children are impacted even harder and what happens in their everyday world has a huge influence on their own adult path.
Unfortunately for our children today, there are a lot of adults; mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, and even grandparents, who’ve gone years in dysfunction, rape, trafficking, constant beatings, and trying to self-medicate with drugs, alcohol; carrying pain so deep they attempt suicide because of the huge loss and emptiness inside. Many of us have partners and friends who were going through the same nightmares, but can’t say anything because the shame feels too overwhelming. Now we look at our children and wonder why they are lost? ‘Why do they seem so angry and disrespectful’, we ask? Our children are struggling to function in today’s world, but their lives are surrounded by the emotional dysfunction of their childhood because of the brokeness their parents carry?
My inabilities from the training and years of trauma made it impossible for me to give the guidance my children, especially my daughters needed. I now can only hope to influence them as a healed mother and a speaker against the atrocities and dark evil crimes; the erosion of dysfunction and destruction!!!
Today we are looking at the next generation to be invaded by the passed down dysfunction of generations before us. How can we blame the kids for living in what they know? How can we say, ‘it’s just a beating you’ll heal; it’s only sex; get over it’? How can we say that it’s not wrong and that these acts won’t impact their children’s lives? Don’t you see what’s already happened?
The majority of survivors I’m connected with and share these atrocious similarities, are of the baby boomer generation or just after that period between 1948 and 1962. It was after WW II and on, when our first young president came into office and then got shot Many are also from around the end of the Vietnam war; these are the greatest of the numbers now gathering in defence of our greatest asset, our children. Is there a connection here at all? Perhaps the number of survivors is so large because of the quantity of kids born at that time, or is it because the children of these years were being raised by survivors of their parents’ hell?
For centuries the beating and rape of our children and partners was never anything to be recognized by the public as of crucial importance.!!
Remember back when any form of infidelity or deviant behavior was only permitted within a dark underworld existence. About two weeks ago I caught the end of a program, not sure of the title, but it was on the History Channel. In what I saw, the collection of narrators were talking about how back in the days of Thomas Jefferson and our other Founding Fathers, the elite of our society had tunnels dug out around the cities; small rooms were blasted into the tunnel walls. When those with the money and power wanted to act out these dark desires, banned by the others of public standing, they would gather in the tunnels and into the darkest of these rooms; young children and prostitutes would be taken for their sick pleasures.
Look at when our country first passed a government enacted Child Protection Services. This didn’t happen until what the American Bar Association shares in history of these laws as the ‘third era of child protection in 1962’; other non-governmental protection services have been ongoing since back in 1875. Our country didn’t recognize beating and raping your spouse as a crime until our then, Senator Joe Biden, presented Congress with the Violence Against Women Act in 1994. I’d like to ask; ‘What the hell took so long?’
Why hasn’t this become a topic that everyone is making a priority? If this were some dark plague eating away at our society, which it is, our scientist would have been scrambling to find a cure. The problem is that only one thing can change this type of human acceptance to these dark evils, A UNITED FRONT FROM A GREATER MAJORITY OF OUR SOCIETY!!! Mankind is the only one that can change what has been passed down in our generations for centuries. If we do not collectively battle and stand against these actions, you can bet our government will never get involved in the more severe and strategic punishments needed for these crimes.
I say, we first sterilize all pedophiles and monsters of this type. Then gather them up and ship them off to some deserted, but controlled, island like they did with the leopards way back when; just my personal view on a possible solution!!!
Now, what do we plan to pass on to our kids? What do we want to encourage them to become? Surely not what’s been accepted in the past? If I could go back and change anything in my life; it would be the lack of functioning guidance I gave to my children. All that was their childhood, how I influenced them to live, and the massive tidal wave of dysfunction; this is what my family still struggles to recover and heal from. Watching how what I endured, and fought to survive, is creeping in to invade the lives of my grandchildren is a sickening feeling and I can only pray that what I do now can somehow help to make their world a better place.
Can we really turn away and pretend this is all just nothing? Can we sit back and act as if it won’t leave an impact, more like a crater, in their life? How can our generation of parents and grandparents tell our children that all of this doesn’t matter? Isn’t this much the same as saying they don’t matter; they have no value just as we had none? Perhaps we can cross our fingers and pray they will stop mankind from destroying themselves.
What guidance and encouragement can we give them if we can’t give them safety and love? Do any of the other values matter if we cannot give them these two necessities in life? How will they grow and flourish in their world if we don’t provide some better insight for them, rather than turning away and leaving them to be eaten alive by the dark evils that occur within what should be the safety of their homes?
How will you see the future of hopes and dreams for your children after reading this blog?
Come visit on the new website and sign the guest book in ‘Generation No More’ be part of the change in the future rather than part of the pain from the past. Let’s all be a better influence on our children and encourage their greater possibilities.
Give them Hope
Give them Love
Give them Guidance
Give them Dreams
Give them the gift of a happier, safer, thriving world of possibilities!!!
Advocate/Author/Speaker/Talk Radio Host/Founder Survivors World online support group, Ms. Patricia A. McKnight
Victims do not have grand moments of these three irreplaceable gifts in life. When you live as a victim of abuse or violence you thrive for the calm moments, rather than filling them with hopes, dreams, and laughter.
Maybe you view things as I once did:
I hope he doesn’t hit me today
I dream of the day when I am safe
I laugh at nothing; would you?
A Survivor, who is finally safe, might have these views:
I hope I can take care of us
I dream of getting of one day finding love and giving it in return
I laugh when the kids play now
Then we become Thrivers and we see like this:
I hope tomorrow is just like today!
I dream of who my children and grandchildren will become!
I laugh almost daily at something!
I live in true love and feel all the glory of these three gifts.
It is my wish for you; May you become your own Thriver. May you take that first baby step towards your life; your hopes, dreams, moments of laughter. No matter what your today is always believe that time changes all things;
You are always possible
You are given these gifts with your life
You are strong enough to succeed
You are Never Alone and others will help you
Never let go of these gifts, you too will become a thriver!!!
Without them we cannot see our tomorrows.
They are your gifts, use them wisely!!
(c)Patricia A. Mcknight
Author/Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Host/Survivor
Photo art by: Michal Madison
Watercolor Artist/Advocate/Talk Radio Host/Survivor
Posted Nov. 13,2012
It was another restless night of haunting memories and emotions!!
Its been awhile since I’ve posted a blog, but there are some things that are rushing around in my head this morning, actually they’ve been swimming around in there since yesterday afternoon.
Yesterday, as I was online building the information on the new website, a phone call comes into my cell about 2pm; it’s a programmed number which should have still been blocked, so not sure the how or why she was able to get through. The name popped up and there it was, THE WITCH – THE MOTHER!!
Now I’ve posted before about letting go of the toxic people who are supposed to be family and support us, but I know this is a very difficult process, especially when it’s our parent. Mother is the only parent I’ve ever actually known. She left Dad when I was three and at five I was kept from the family who would have protected me and did not see any of them again until I was eighteen and at my grandfather’s funeral. The one that clung to me that day is the last one who had hugged me good-bye so very long ago. Miss You Grandma!!!
About five years ago now I finally got brave enough to say the words I’d never spoken to Mother before, F**k you as I marched out her front door and never looked back. How dare she blame me for all that had happened!! How dare she first admit what she allowed him to do, what she knew he was doing, and the many bruises she saw from the aftermath of his attacks; then blame the child that endured them!!!
I decided that last day I would never speak with her again.
About four years ago I went public with my own true horror story of the atrocities against me; the community that watched a child rot away in a house of evil; and how it all trained me to believe there would be nothing different in my life. Their ignorance of these abuses left me believing no one cared enough to help me and there was no value in my existence. I must say I was wrong about that last part. God and Creator have guided me and protected me, have brought me to where I am today; a life filled with respect, kindness, patience, love, happiness, FREEDOM!!
Each voicemail was not a request for forgiveness, but rather saying, “I am willing to forget all that you said and forgive you!!!” She has some nerve, telling me she forgives me; forgives me for what??? What exactly was it that her 5 year old daughter did to deserve the next twelve years of molestation, beatings, sadistic rape by a shotgun barrel, or the trafficking out for sick pleasure and beer money; what did this child do that Mother should forgive???
It angers me that her voice can still set me off into a whirlwind. Simply seeing her name pop up on my cell caused an instant shock and downward spiral on my day.
Her voicemails started off asking me to call and resolve the issues about publishing ‘My Justice’. Two of them ended with her crying and asking why I would do such a thing. Two others ended with threats of legal action against myself, and against Bink. What she doesn’t seem to realize first of all, is that he has absolutely nothing to do with this publication, nor is there any marriage for her to come after what few assets we have.
A part of me sincerely hopes she steps forward and brings legal action against me. You see, I’ve never went public with her name or the names of anyone in my immediate family. It would be a great pleasure to stand in a courtroom and show the extremities, now covered with the deep scars from rot, which grew like black mold to cover my body. It would give me great pleasure to introduce the world to the woman who allowed her daughter to be physically eaten by the infection of abuse and terror that surrounded her existence. The times when Mother saw me in bed naked at nine with his erection lying next to me. The time she allowed him to buy the see-through gown from Victoria Secrets for her then twelve year old daughter. The dates she allowed her thirteen year old daughter to attend when it should have been just the two of them. How she watched him ‘teach’ me to slow dance in public while an entire bar watched the child drink up the whiskey and be groped on the dance floor. The mornings she viewed the belt marks and bruises from her daughter’s battle the night before and never spoke a concerned word about any of it!!!
Will she have the courage and the stupidity to come forward and name herself as the mother of this child??? Only time will tell!!!
The saddest part of it all is how the lifelong effects are still with me and still able to be angered by her actions and the sound of her voice. Is it really that I haven’t fully healed or is it the deep impact left on the child? Isn’t it normal for a child to want a parent to love and protect them, believe in their value and encourage their possibilities? She was all I had as a blood connection to any parent. I didn’t want to let go, because I always hoped she would one day see my worth as a human being. Unfortunately, the day has never come and once in a while she sneaks back in to remind me of this truth.
Sadly it is a truth for many of us who survived the vicious attacks and sickness of abuse from our parents. Those who we were taught should protect and guide us; instead harm, degrade, and strip away our very soul, then act as if we are to blame for the cruelty against us.
So, as I vent to you today, I have to admit that as much as I speak about empowering the voices of others to speak up for their freedom in life, it is with great sorrow that I admit; “She got to me again!!!”
Yes, we’ve talked, posted, and shared about the many lifelong traumas that inflict the survivor of abuse and violence. I’ve shared on previous blogs the scientific proof from National Institute of Mental Health and Government Affairs reports of how the trauma of the many years in sadistic brutal abuse and neglect leaves the survivor to carry lifelong issues of PTSD, DEPRESSION, DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTIONS, FIBROMYALGIA and other such physical and mental health problems.
I believe, that even for some of the parents today who are abusers and neglecters of their children; that this is a curse from times past and it is possible to recover and be better for your children!!
Do we ever fully recover or are we in a constant mode of recovering?
When we heal from the inside we become better, stronger, more capable of facing the daily issues of life and parenting!!! I also believe like learning to live as a recovering addict, we have to recognize the scars of the abuse, accept what it has done to us and find coping skills to manage through. It’s important that we become emotionally strong enough to cope with the stressors that can set us off. We have to review our own actions and emotional responses to see how the scars have invaded our ability to cope within our adult world and family. However, it is a work – in – progress!!!
Each time we can stand against the emotional reaction charged from the abuse and trauma, we have achieved a new success!!! It is to be admired, awarded in some small way, show yourself how important it is that you didn’t let it set you off, you were able to recognize your reaction and stop it from happening; THIS IS A HUGE SUCCESS!!!
As well as having the days of those little successes, we of course have those days we feel the cut of having our negative responses and feeling the frustration of the downward racing spiral!!! Yes we will have bad days, there will be things that set us off and trigger our anger, sadness, isolation, and more. Don’t be afraid to admit this to yourself. Know that it is perfectly normal to have this. It’s alright and with each time you face those days they become building blocks of your recovery. Don’t be ashamed that a day has come that you have problems coping? There is no shame, only honor in being a survivor!!!
Never give up hope of one day being free and having your life to enjoy!!
Never stop dreaming of what you can achieve!!
Never stop believing in your value; the purpose given to you at birth!!
When you need a friend to help you get through a bad day or a bad moment, never be afraid of speaking out and asking for some guidance and support!!! Know there are hundreds of voices speaking out against the crimes of abuse and the generational acceptance to family violence. You will find a friend who understands the plight you face and will help you find your sense of peace!!!
If you are lost in these lifelong impacts of abuse or violence; please search out Abuse and Violence Support in your browser or Facebook, there is always help available!!! If you are swept away and need a voice to speak with call the hotline numbers to speak with someone and find a local support group in your area where you can connect with others like yourself.
You are never alone!!! You never have to remain silent about the pain you carry!!!
You’re invited to visit the new website for a full-page of resources and listing of hotline numbers; http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com
Join me and others in the online support group – Survivors World
Both men and women; victims and survivors are welcomed; together we can help heal each other!!!
Join in and sign the guest book for ‘Generation No More’; hoping to empower and encourage everyone to build prevention and rescue in their own community!!
Positive Thoughts for You
You DESERVE a safe place to sleep
You DESERVE respect
You DESERVE kindness and support
You DESERVE as much love as you freely give to others
You DESERVE roses in your garden of life
(c) ‘My Justice’
pub. Feb 2011
Patricia A. McKnight
Author/Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Host/Survivor
SCARS OF DISREGARD FOR MEDICAL CARE!!!
It is important to consider that our kids will search out all most any possible way to get high, especially if they are dealing with other issues. Many of our kids are living in family violence, abuse, rape; but they believe their parents and family are not guilty of any ‘crime’. For kids, know that any abuses against you are crimes and need to be reported, talk it out rather than use drugs to cope. As adults we have to realize that our kids are not only dealing with the stresses of the higher education requirements, but also the violence and abuse within their own homes, 24/7 bullying online or thru their phone, it is difficult to be a teen or even pre-teen these days. Be watchful, consider the stress, consider the silence, consider the risk of your child!!! Tricia McKnight, author/advocate/speaker/writer/talk radio host/survivor
Are your kids at risk for ‘Dusting’ – read this report about an instant way our kids are killing themselves and getting high while doing it!!! Computer needs dusted out, parents please do this job yourself and keep the canned air locked up in a safety spot!!! thank you, CBS Chicago 2!!!