When you come from a battered past, whether it be emotional, physical, sexual or even a neglectful pattern of generational abuse/family or relationship violence; we are trained, as anyone would be, to behave in certain manners.
These teachings can reflect in many ways throughout our life.
Patterns & Beliefs Of Victims:
1) We don’t see any personal value
2) We often see ourselves as objects
3) We don’t have any feeling or acknowledge any pain
4) There is no good example of what love or life is really like
5) You do everything to accommodate others (i.e……having sex – its just sex so give it up when they want it, right? Isn’t that your purpose in life to be an object without feeling or deserving of tenderness, consideration?)
However, because you are living in these patterns of abusive behaviors, which shut you off in every possible manner; you are unable to see your feelings. As you grow into life and relationships, education, career; you present this to others around you. Unfortunately this often opens the door to another abuser. It seems they can pick you out in a heartbeat and know exactly what to do to lure you into their world. Throughout your journey in the ‘norm’ of life, you simply follow the lead of others.
“Maybe you’ve experienced those relationships where you are so terrified of being attacked that you actually breath in motion so you don’t disrupt your attacker.”
After living in these generationally trained actions for five, ten, (thirty or more years for those more traumatic cases); you tend to walk through life like a cloud is all around you.
“You’re in a heavy cloud of fog and can’t see see to steer the car. You try and try to make the right choices. There are times when you really think it’s all over and it’s going to work out, then you get a little way into positive and suddenly you crash. However, when you look around there’s nothing to grab hold of to help you through, but all you can do is keep moving onward.
Simply put, ‘ The world keeps spinning and you have to keep moving with it. Life comes in responsibility, financial independence, family, children, and you have to take care of all of it, that’s your nature.”
Remember every human action, every human perception, every human response is absorbed; it’s built into us because of the actions to us and around us. Also, every human has a different spirit and each spirit has its own level of tolerance. Each will be traumatized in their own separate way and no one can say how deeply an action did or did not hurt you. No one but you knows the depth of your wounds.
You get to a point where you just want to stand up and scream; I’m a human being! I’m Alive! Listen to me please! He hurt me, help me…” You want to scream so loudly, so fiercely and for so very long that others cannot help but to hear you. For whatever reason though, whether its because you are terrified/traumatized or have simply shut down inside; you just can’t seem to make any noise. Hell, many of us cannot even mouth the words I’ve been raped and beaten.” Then one day, although it may take years or even decades before you can begin to see the pattern of acceptance you’re living inside, it begins to attack in all different directions.
If your abuser was your parent and then you become parents, you may even be prone to doing some of those very same acts against other kids or your own kids. These may be physical, or perhaps emotional outbursts they don’t understand or deserve. You’re screaming because of the reflection of yourself and your childhood you now see in them. This sets off a huge trigger and in being humans, having been traumatized in our own separate way; we then respond very differently. There are many abusers who have been victims. There are resources of help for parents who were once victims, one such resource is; Fighters Against Child Abuse.
Remember when you react to children, even a simple, ‘Your stupid’, will stay in their head forever. They will always remember those words, regardless of how hard they try to erase them.
Some of us may turn our head even when our gut tells us something different. Perhaps you are, in a habit or trained manner, and allowing the same Maddening Silence, which once blocked your voice, to continue; unfortunately, this is simply our human genetics.
It is what it is and we’ve been abusing our kids for centuries, probably going back to the creation of mankind.
The silence is all around us, it’s bearing down on us like this huge burden. It’s stained with shame and guilt, and it’s darkened with abandonment and blame.
You’re brain, in functioning like that of anyone else, being in its normality; follows what you’ve been taught. You get confused when you see the reality of your world. Then it suddenly hits you that you’ve been living in your entire life in this ‘Maddening Silence’. Your emotions aren’t normal, life is falling apart around you. No matter how hard you try you still can’t scream, you can’t get out; you’re a shattering China Doll.
You walk through life trying to keep the pieces together. When something falls off or gets broken; just get out the glue and keep going. As my friend, Michal Madison so eloquently stated, ‘There isn’t time to slow down and mend the pieces, so just put them in your pocket and go.” One day all the glue disintegrates. Your pieces are all over the place. You can’t pick them up and glue them back together fast enough.
Then as you are on your knees, weeping and begging for it to be over, you suddenly hear something inside of you, it’s like a little scratchy laryngitis voice, but it’s there. You’re completely drawn to what’s going on around you, in a sense you have been letting things happen.
In all practical purposes you’re an adult and the decisions and choices are yours to make. You have to own them, own what the rebound effect of these decisions has been, then get up and make those changes to create something better.
If you’re still a minor then you’ve been going through it long enough and it’s time to break free! You don’t deserve what’s happening to you. Your strength for enduring should be noticed and seen as a great quality. Please give yourself a hug. Forgive what you have done and what you have allowed to go on. Look around where you are right now. See an island in front of you. Take a step and then jump into a new path of life, a new chance at just being you. This happens when you hear that voice and you decide to just start talking.
At first you may say it to yourself, ‘I’m done, and never again will they hurt me. Never will I be raped and beaten again, disrespected and degraded; no I will not do it anymore.’
You have to feel that explosion of madness screaming out,
‘If I don’t change things I’m going to die!!’
Now you may not die in a physical sense, but you will die emotionally. Your spirit will slowly disintegrate as you live trapped inside the maddening silence. Unfortunately there are many that break apart and never come back to us. Perhaps you may know someone who’s taken their lives, because they believed they couldn’t change things or they couldn’t escape.
You may know someone who’s died emotionally or the pieces have all fallen apart and they don’t have the strength to put them back together any longer. Tragically they can’t find away to escape the nightmare so they live in a separate world completely. How sad when you know someone like this, so deeply traumatized never to return to the normal happy person as they were born to become.
Rather than allow this to happen to yourself, you are going to learn about your pieces. As you put yourself back together you will see them for the creation they hold; the strength, the wit, the intellect, and the possibilities. As you learn, you are able to see what you do like and what you don’t like. You have a choice to put down and redo the pieces. Shave off a bit here and remold those parts you don’t like. Those pieces that contain the shame, the blame, the stains of your past; these are not who you are, they are the actions from those around you.
This darkness and stain is not where you are anymore, so those shadows do not have to show any longer.
It’s truly magical when you find the piece that is your voice!!! You hold it close, appreciate its value, know its strength, and be proud that you can finally let out the madness, you can stand up and say ‘No, I don’t like this’.
In a sense, you should be extra proud of this ability. You’ve been living as an object all these years, now you are just learning what some have known all their lives. We see them around us and their world seems so wonderful, but it is your perception. You never know what another person holds inside, what they’ve endured or what they battle down each day before they leave the house.
One day you wake up and this pounding Maddening Silence is everywhere. It seems to be louder, although no one else seem to hear it. They wonder what is troubling you,
‘What’s wrong with them? Why does that bother them? It’s only sex, even though it is her father? Why is she all upset and going crazy?’
You hear yourself screaming. You know it’s the truth and finally you can speak it. You have found the path to taking care of you. This is the beginning steps and you decide what happens next. It is possible to live safely; trust your own actions, choices; see your true beauty inside.
‘It’s blossoming like a gorgeous butterfly, learning to spread it’s wings and soar into possibilities.’
It’s possible to see a future and more importantly you learn to believe in that future. ‘You are human, you are alive!!
You deserve kindness
You deserve respect
You deserve to be safe
Your deserve to be happy
As your life builds and your dreams begin to become your reality, the more confident you become. Those around you will see that strength shine inside you. Your career and relationships, the partners you choose will be safe. We have to learn the true beauties of who we are without all the ugliness because we are not in the ugliness or the maddening silence any longer. We can speak and be heard; hell some may even respect what you say.
If you’re really blessed; you are safe, found your voice, learned what you don’t want, and accepted the things you can’t change.
Life is never fair, some of us get hurt, some of us die; but some of us heal – become strong and have someone who loves us despite what has happened.
They see our wounds, the scars, the dysfunction; but you are glorious and have the world waiting to see you. One baby step forward each day, one learned acceptance of all that you are, the true beauty of your soul, the spirit you were born with comes out to play and suddenly you are truly beginning to live.
See your beauty, be amazed by your strength, absorb your wounds, build and chase your dreams.
Be all that you were born to become. Your soul is still there. All the magic you hold is waiting to be opened. Shine on!!
All artwork courtesy of: Michal Madison Art
Advocate/Watercolor Artist; http://www.michalmadisonart.com
Founder/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
Author: ‘My Justice’
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Paperback/Ebook/Kindle & Nook
Survivors World Online Support Group – Private by membership resquest only when visiting the website.