Many times when we are left broken by the actions of those we love, we seem to get lost in the pain of it all. There are days when we wake with a huge weight of memories that challenge our ability to smile and keep on going.
“After all, isn’t this what the general society expects of us all? So what, you were beaten, bullied, molested, raped, threatened, controlled; who cares, RIGHT? They say things like; ‘Get on with life’ or ‘So what it’s only sex, you do it all the time. What’s the problem?”
Let me share with you what the ‘PROBLEM’ might be. How about if you close your eyes for about 5 minutes and pretend you are a child; remember the light spirit of catching fireflies in a jar. Then I would like for you to imagine your father (just using the pseudonym as an example); your father’s hands are touching you and suddenly through a quick flash of memory he is on top of you and you feel a burning pain rip through you like a red fury of fire. You hold your breath and turn your head. He’s grunting and telling you what a good child you are and how this is something that is supposed to be done.
All you can think of is how much it hurts!!! You want it to be over, you want him to quit. You have tried to tell your mom, but she simply turns away and ignores your words. You show your dysfunction brought on by the violation of it all; sometimes it comes out in rocked emotions other times through our reactions and actions as we go through life. You’re not allowed to share this ugly secret and you try to figure out why it makes you feel so worthless and ugly. You know that others won’t understand and your friends at school talk about sex like it is just something you do.
“Are they having sex with their parent too? Do they get beat up when the dishes aren’t clean, the laundry’s mess, or just because (HE) is drunk and angry? Do they feel like they don’t matter to anyone at all?”
As you grow up you carry all of this baggage with you. There can be many ‘PROBLEMS’ that you start to see. You may be falling in love with everyone or no one. You may look in the mirror and think about how disgusting you are, or that no one wants you, or no one ever treats you like a decent human being. You stress out easily at work because you have to make sure everything is done with perfection. Sometimes, if you are using an addiction such as alcohol, marijuana, or even food to help get through those shattering moments; you may have problems with being sober at work or high. You may sit at home all by your lonesome and drink or eat until you just can’t drink or eat any longer. You may try to be active in other things, such as taking care of your kids, your family, keeping up with friends, and believe it or not you may even find yourself clinging to your parents, or even the one who violated you. You feel like you need these connections because you want to be loved; to be wanted, appreciated for the good in you, but no matter how hard you try sometimes you just can’t make it through the day without a break down.
Artwork via: Michal Madison Art
Each morning is a new challenge for you. When your eyes open you find yourself once again back in the circle of LIFE AFTER ABUSE!!! It’s ugly as hell and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all. It’s not nice to wake up without a smile for the one you love lying next to you. It’s not nice to be sad all the time and worried about how people will see you ‘Will they see past your veil of secrets?’
We all have some form of burden or trouble we carry sometimes, but the brutal acts and personally violating evils of these crimes is something so deep and so troublesome that even our therapists, support groups, family & friends have difficulty accepting our struggle, understanding the impacts of PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Doubt, Constant Fear of Rejection, the need for Perfection so intense that we don’t have time to enjoy those quiet times of sunshine and flowers or the belly laughter of our children.
We can only hope to help the survivors of these acts when we accept these abuses happened within our homes; the place where we should feel SAFE from the dangers of the world can often be the MOST DANGEROUS.
Remember there are many homes where one parent is not as dangerous as the other. Maybe that other parent doesn’t hear our silent screams for rescue, but maybe they don’t beat and hold you captive. Also there is the ugly truth that these processes of acceptance and silence move forward from one generation in our circle of life to another. Then these acts (CRIMINAL ACTS) are done by the person we marry, the person we choose to have as our lover, friend, companion; the person we share the intimacy with on a regular basis. We believe we can depend on this person to help us through, but instead (especially single moms who have been harmed as children) we continue to fall into the whirlwind romances and find ourselves living with what we have been taught is so ‘NORMAL’ to us. Something we know doesn’t happen in every household, but it definitely happens a lot and for some reason it seems to always happen to us. Those who live in misguided boundaries and beliefs all because of the daily, weekly, decades of brutality and degradation, personal violation and threat to our lives as our everyday perception of life.
You will find us then trying to cope with all of the horrific truths we carry.
How would you get through your day as a Survivor on the path to Freedom from Abuse?
© Patricia A. McKnight
Author/Advocate/Speaker/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor
Founder; Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming
Author: ‘My Justice’
It is with great honor that I am extremely happy to share the latest news and reviews for ‘My Justice’.
You may be aware this is my own true story of a life lived in hell throughout thirty-two years of extreme violence, sadistic sexual attacks, repeated physical attacks, which were nothing less than attempted murder. The more crucial part of this novel is the emotional, neglectful, and mental conditioning which left me trapped in this life.
Beginning at the age of just five years old, I was viciously molested and probed by my then to be stepfather the night of my mother’s bridal shower while he was watching over as babysitter for me, my brother and two neighbor boys that evening. He took claim to me that night and would hold me as his property, his slave in all aspects of the word, for the next twelve years. His attacks would grow more severe and the entrapment I felt would deepen as the members of the community around me watched and some even took part in the trafficking of a child for the exploitation and satisfaction of this demon in the flesh. At the age of 11 he began exploiting and selling me out for the cost of a couple of draft beers. At the age of 12, when I reached out for my mother’s help, he viciously took my virginity with the barrel of his favorite shotgun; ripping my insides apart that would leave me scarred and torn without ever so much as a phone call to a doctor for medical care as I walked away dripping blood on the floor. My brother and sister were downstairs watching television during the attack, but I was held so silently with the fear of having him pull the trigger with the barrel inside me that I never spoke another word about his brutal evil until I was thirty-seven years old and in the middle of my second nervous breakdown.
My mother completely sacrificed me to this devil without ever saying a word about the bruises, the torture, or the selling and exploitation of her daughter. She walked in and found us in bed naked together with his erection ready to be inserted when I was just nine years old. In her words she repeatedly talked about the time when “she walked in and caught us in bed together”. Using the word “caught” would somehow imply that I had a say in the action and that I was the instigator of his sexual advances. She blamed me, yelled at me, and sent me to my room for the night. It was early on in their marriage that he began walking in and ‘teaching’ me how to bathe and what to wash, with instructions on how to wash the intimate parts of a child’s body. There were many times when I yelled out over the years for her to make him leave the room or to make him stop, but with her disregard of her child she allowed him to do with me as he pleased so that she would not have to be held to the responsibilities of their marriage. For me however, this would be an ongoing experience, much like his nightly visits to my room where he held me captive in silence with his coal black stained hand gripping tightly over my mouth. It was at the age of twelve that I then made a conscious decision to quit bathing completely in order to provide some measure of protection for myself. Sadly, although we had excellent healthcare insurance, the decision to quit bathing led to the filth, stench, and a skin eating infection that would rot my arms and legs away over the next four years; all of which were without seeing a physician for my care or providing so much as a toothbrush to prevent her daughter from completely rotting away. Also, during these years his acts of exploitation and selling, raping, beating her daughter into submission would continue to escalate in their evil nature. I clearly remember that one Friday late night party when the call came in for me to prepare the house for his after work party with another ten adult men and me as their entertainment, when my mother simply looked me straight in the eye and stated “have fun” as she went in her bedroom to watch television and closed the door behind her. I was his and she could have cared less. My existence in her house was simply to be the cook, the housekeeper, babysitter and family caretaker. This is all that she found useful or valuable in the child she had given birth and brought into this world.
The community in which I spent most of my life, Freeburg, Illinois was a small coal mining community where everyone knew each other and their business. I attended the same school system for nine consecutive years; Carl L. Barton Community School and Freeburg Community High School. We lived in the same town and as I grew I would work in two of our local restaurants. My point on this is still one that I have problems with today. The entire community, again all who knew me by sight if not by name, to include the school officials, law enforcement, local business owners where either I or my mother worked, the many adult men who attended the parties at our house or were at the bars where again I was the drunken child and entertainment; all of these and including even some school boys who were in attendance at many of the teen drug and alcohol filled parties, they were all witnesses to and some even took part in the vicious trafficking and exploitation of the child who was brutally and viciously beaten into submission and handed out like a party favor. They watched over the years as my body decayed; my arms and legs covered with deep flesh eating infected sores, my mouth filled with plaque covered black broken fangs from lack of medical or dental care, but NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON EVER SAID A WORD OR QUESTIONED MY WELL BEING.
This is why I share my story, why I published ‘My Justice’, why I give voice to the horrific child maltreatment and the community ignorance which left me believing I deserved nothing better and no one would ever find value in my existence. This is the ignorance that teaches our children that these acts are to be expected or seen as normal in their relationships. This is the continued ignorance that I will battle against trying to educate and build a strong front of vigilance to protect the life and well being of all living creatures, but more specifically our children and their value as our next generation. If we do not become involved with the prevention and help rescue the children who live in this hell today, our society will continue on the escalating downslide of human disregard of decency, respect, concern and mental dysfunction. This abuse and violence within our homes has become our own man-made cancer that we have allowed to silently flourish and destroy all that is good in the creation of mankind. We have stood idly by listening and witnessing repeated child brutality by their parents and caregivers. We’ve allowed them to be bought and sold as property to live a life of hell in sex slavery or tortured labor without ever giving a second thought to their purpose and value as children building the basis for our next generation.
Will you continue to watch and allow this madness to rule our existence or will you decide to become a protector of others and allow the opportunity for them to live in what is deserved, simply to live SAFE IN THEIR HOMES?
Having shared these thoughts with you, allow me to provide you with the latest update in the continued success of ‘My Justice’.
Dr. Brenda Joyce Orozco Markert-Green whose highly skilled reputation as a Family & Marriage Counselor, Owner & CEO at Afterglow Counseling, Mediation & Family Services, Trainer for American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy, Educator and Adjunct Faculty Board Member of La Sierra University, located in Riverside, California is now using this incredible novel as REQUIRED READING for her students in the field of therapy and family counseling. Along with the REQUIRED READING she also presents them with an exam and classroom discussion about the many silent warning signs of abuse and violence in our homes and the wounds it leaves on the victims. She uses this novel to educate her students about the many mental and emotional impacts of these horrific crimes, which they then maintain in their skills and awareness for their future in family and childhood therapy, social services and other arenas of education and support. It is a huge honor to have this story be shared in such a manner to leave a lasting impression on these students. There is no higher gift which can make such a an impact on our society tomorrow and how we handle the many lifelong mental, physical, and emotional wounds inflicted by these heinous crimes which we so easily disregard.
Dr. Brenda Joyce Orozco Markert-Green, there is no way that I can share with you the amazing depth of appreciation for what you are doing and for your support in my voice, my activities, and most importantly ‘My Justice’. I so sincerely hope that one day I have the opportunity to meet you and speak with you so that I can somehow at least share my sincere gratitude. You are using ‘My Justice’ to make a definite impact on how our society will handle these issues for years to come. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Friends please share this and pass it forward in however you are able. It is crucial for all of us to come together as one strong stand in our society and bring an end and hope for rescue in the lives of our children and the positive influence we hope to leave on the next generation.
Patricia A. McKnight
Author: ‘My Justice’
Advocate/Speaker/Blogger/Talk Radio Prod. & Host/Survivor
Founder: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Blog Talk Radio Programming
Educator & Adjunct Faculty Member, La Sierra University
Mental Health Expert & Trainer for Family & Marriage Counseling
For more information or to connect with Patricia ‘Trish’ McKnight
please email: firstname.lastname@example.org