Devils of my childhood no longer protected

Have you ever thought about going public with the names of your abusers? Have you thought about finally holding them accountable for what they did and what you were forced to endure?

This has been heavy on my mind for quite some time. I’ve shared the horrific details, which have been compared by incredible people, to the horrible life of Mr. Dave Pelzer, New York Times Best Seller – ‘A Child Called – It’.

So I think to myself many times over what else is there for me to share, what else do I have to work through to get this finally released from my soul so that I can live free from all the ugly secrets? There is only one secret left which plagues me constantly, the names of those two people who were responsible for my well being, nurturing, teaching me to become a capable young adult and healthy mother for my own children.

THESE TWO PEOPLE WERE EVIL NOT LOVING PARENTS AS THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN!!!

Why should their identities be protected? Why did I change their names when I published ‘My Justice’? Why did I call it a ‘novel’ rather than the truth of what it actually is, an AUTOBIOGRAPHY? It is every possible memory I have held deep inside for years, the memories that trapped me in a world of darkness.

Well today, after talking with one absolutely strong and amazing justice fighter, who has given me her blessing as a friend, an angel who has come into my life; one person I have followed for almost a year now on Linkedin but never dreamed would ever have any interest in my story, the amazing Ms. Dana Hoffman!!! Who is a lucky girl today to have this voice in my corner?

OK, first things first….

Why did I publish ‘My Justice’ and list it as a novel? When I published this horrific story of my life, I made it clear on the back cover; ‘this is the true story of one woman’s fight for survival. It has been created from her memories & nightmares.’

To me at the time this went into publication, Feb 2011, I had a major problem with seeing the word ‘AUTOBIOGRAPHY’ as a conceded comment about myself. Somehow when I looked at that particular word it terrified me, part of this was also wrapped up in DISSOCIATION. If I called it a ‘novel’ I didn’t have to feel connected to all of the horrifying evils of abuse & torture as written out from the memories & nightmares, the self destruction of what I endured. Also, what made my story any different from what so many others have endured? What made me so special that I wrote out my journey of hell and the vicious maltreatment of various levels of abuses inflicted?

If you are not aware, it is difficult enough for survivors of abuse to feel anything special about themselves. It is almost unfathomable to think we hold anything of value that others are interested in hearing, much less publishing a full life story about these brutal acts. So, it was SAFE for me to call it a novel; it was typical of me to put myself much lower than any other deserving being; I WAS TRAINED THROUGHOUT MANY YEARS THAT I HAD NOTHING ANY OTHER PERSON WOULD BE INTERESTED IN HEARING. I HAD AN ENTIRE COMMUNITY ABANDON ME IN THIS HELL FOR TWELVE YEARS, SO THEY DROVE HOME THE WORDS OF MY PARENTS —-

‘NO ONE WILL CARE AND NO ONE WILL EVER HELP YOU’ – ‘YOU DESERVED EVERYTHING YOU GOT’!!

Did I really deserve all of their evil? Did a five year old girl deserve to be viciously molested and tortured in front of her brother and two other neighbor boys? Did that child also deserve to be terrified into silence, threatened that if she spoke of what happened he would be sure and get her back, maybe even kill her? Did I deserve to be trained as the family slave, answer that little brass bell when it rang, no matter what I was doing? Did I deserve to be trained in how to entice grown men at the age of 11? Did I deserve to be traded off for the price of a couple of beers, just to satisfy his sick sadistic power over me? Did I deserve to be ripped apart with a shotgun barrel at just 12 because I went begging for my mother’s help? Did I deserve for school mates to come to our house and be forced to give oral sex to them? Did I deserve to be the entertainment at the late night adult male parties held at our house, while mother stepped in her bedroom to watch tv, then told I was the one who wanted to join the party? Did I deserve to be trained into being his whore, the one he could control and act out his dark evil against? Did I deserve to be left to physically rot away in mother’s lack of caring for the little girl she brought into this world? Did I deserve to be treated like trash, less than dog shit on the street by almost everyone who came into my life? Did I deserve for the girls at school not to friend me, but instead to whisper, point, degrade me even further? Did I deserve for teacher’s to belittle me for not having homework done or not knowing the answer to the classroom question? Did I deserve the law enforcement to drive by our house when the fights started with a raging evil drunk, but not stop and see who was being harmed? Did I deserve for everyone to shun me, call me ‘THE VILLAGE WHORE’ rather than seeing me as a CHILD; a little girl trapped inside a house of horror? REALLY, did I deserve to be a slave, a sex object, a disgusting example of what other children should NOT be? DID I DESERVE FOR THE FAMILY FRIENDS, THE VISITORS, THE TEACHERS, THE LAW, THE ENTIRE F’N TOWN TO DISCARD ME?

Tell me town’s people of Freeburg, HOW WOULD YOU DEAL WITH THIS IF IT WERE YOU OR YOUR CHILD? What made me so much less worthy than others of your caring and your help?

SO HERE GOES THE FINAL RELEASE OF MY SECRETS…..

My mother who allowed her daughter to be used, abused, raped, beaten, left her to rot, never supplied so much as a toothbrush and never did any single measure to protect her, simply gave her to the man she married, the man whose own adopted son warned her about his vicious evil – MONA WHITE. Mother you let everyone believe that you were the victim in that house, that you had no control over what happened and poor little you had to deal with the drunk, but I know the truth!!! TRUTH – he was putty in your hands. He would have done anything for you to act as if you loved him. He was your husband, not mine. He was never attacking to you, but YOU ALLOWED him to attack your daughter almost every single day for an entire twelve years. You, Mona White, allowed him to bring men to our house, you went into the bedroom and watched tv, then blamed the child because she was ordered by him to take part, you said she wanted it. You allowed him to take me on your dates together when I was just around 12 years old. You sat in the chair as he took me on the dance floor and in front of every adult in the place, rubbed himself on me and ‘taught’ me how to move my hips & ass so it felt all good to him. You, Mona White, allowed the infection on my skin to eat away at me for three continuous years before you took me to see ONE DOCTOR, but you never took me back and never cared again about the filth that covered my flesh. You, Mona White, allowed me to get detention in Freshman year because you couldn’t give me TWO DOLLARS to buy a can of deodorant. You sat at the kitchen table, looked me in the eye and said, ‘if you’d take a fucking bath then you wouldn’t stink so fucking bad.’ YOU never kept him out of the bathroom so I could safely bathe, you never stopped him from coming into my room at night. When you worked the bar you were too caught up in all the attention you were receiving to give a shit about the drunken pissed off man you just sent home to your children. YOU WERE NOT THE VICTIM – YOU WERE AN ABUSER OF YOUR OWN DESIGN!!! YOU cared about your youngest daughter, God forbid anyone should hurt her. You took her to the doctor, you took her to the dentist, you allowed her all of the material possessions she wanted, YOU COULDN’T WAIT FOR ME TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. Yet who was the person you have always called on when you were sad, angry, needed a friend or a listening ear? ME!! You cared about your older son, you cared about the abandoned children who you sheltered from the streets and the strangers you gave a home to, but YOU COULD NOT & WOULD NOT PROTECT YOUR OWN DAUGHTER!!! I reveal you now, the anger flows through my blood and I’ve carried your secrets for all my life. NOW YOU DESERVE all that comes your way!!!

Stepfather –MALCOLM WHITE – you disgusting evil son of a bitch!!! Who gave you the right to destroy a little girl with so much evil? Who gave you the right to sell her off and trade her out? Who gave you the right to beat her, torture her, brutalize every moment of her existence, then stalk her in her adult life. Who gave you the right to be so obsessed with me you crept outside the bedroom window of my home with my future husband. You stalked me at work, asking who would be the next man to take your daughter home and fuck her? Who gave you the right to ask the boyfriends, husbands, dates about what it was like to fuck me and what did I allow them to do, give them ideas on things they should do, hold me by the hair and threaten to blow my head off if I didn’t give all those school boys a blow job. You terrorized me from the moment you came into my life. You controlled every second of my day, it was always in my head and I never once ever doubted that you would kill me. You wanted to buy a trailer, but wanted your own special key, a place where ‘WE COULD PARTIES AND INVITE ALL YOUR COWORKERS AND BUDDIES TO JOIN IN’. You kept me from bathing for almost a full FIVE SOLID YEARS!!! You snuck into the bathroom when I was 17 so you could watch me try to shower, fearful you would try your sick games with me again. You took away my value, you took away my belief that I deserved any form of human kindness. YOUR WIFE, MY MOTHER, made sure you were buried with FULL MILITARY HONORS for the service in the air force during the Korean war, but this girl wrote up her own obituary for you…..this is what I posted on my refrigerator for a few months so that I could allow myself to feel the hatred toward you and her. This is what I published as I wrote out ‘My Justice’…… because I changed your name to ‘Walter’ in the book and never gave you a last name, now I write out the full name of the devil who tried, BUT DID NOT SUCCEED, at destroying the spirit of the person I am today.

“Here lies Malcolm White, the man who terrorized a little girl for twelve constant years of her life. He molested her, beat her, tortured her, stalked her, and raped her. He was able to have this control because of the mother who neglected to hear her daughter’s cry for help. He was given the secrecy because the little girl was too terrified to speak about the fears of her night. Now he must answer for his crimes as he is in front of the world’s strongest judge. It is my belief that he will now pay his penance for which is deserved of these crimes.”

In TRUTH, this is a very mild obituary and does not even begin to cover the levels of extreme evil you forced onto a child. No longer will I allow either of you to hide in society, to be seen as decent people, or for my mother to be seen as a VICTIM. No longer will I carry the burden of your pain, your memories, or feel the heavy fear of my afterlife because of your torture. I am now free from the both of you, no longer a child, no longer a helpless victim, but instead a true, honest, incredible survivor who has made it through all of your pain, your discarding of my being, the town’s people of Freeburg are held accountable for what they witnessed and heard, what they took part in and what they ignored, what they allowed to happen and the shame & blame they tagged on that child. I carry no longer any of that shame, I don’t carry the blame, I am not ‘your village whore’

I AM WORTHY – THIS IS MY TRUTH!!! ‘My Justice’ is my AUTOBIOGRAPHY!!

I do not apologize for the anger of this blog, I do not apologize for the words I’ve used, this is finally my truth. Thank you for reading and I hope their names are passed all around the social sites, pasted throughout every newspaper and that articles are published around the globe with their names. I will not name my siblings, nor will I name the men who have beaten and almost killed me, THESE TWO BEINGS ARE THE ROOT OF ALL THAT WAS THE BRUTAL HELL OF MY LIFE FOR ALMOST 37 YEARS!!!

©Patricia A. McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’

Fndr/CEO – Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Direct Email: p.mcknight@charter.net

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Trainer/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

 

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34 thoughts on “Devils of my childhood no longer protected

  1. Trish I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PROUD of you for no longer protecting those who made your life as a little girl a living hell. You are one AMAZING! and STRONG! lady, that is so deserving of the great things life has to offer you. I am honored to have you as a friend.

    • big hugs right back at you, thank you so very much. it’s a big leap for me but one that I definitely need to make. so glad I am surrounded by all the courage, strength, love support of others like myself. many hugs & much love ❤

  2. Well written, and I wish for you deep deep satisfaction for being able to name it- name them and name yourself as a victim no more!
    Please stop believing that you have to protect anyone because in protecting others – you show a fear to be honest. That fear to be honest comes from a nagging doubt as to your own piece of guilt. You claim over and over to finally understand you never “asked for it” or “wanted it” or “enjoyed it” but by hiding those who have harmed you – it shows a fear that in uncovering them – you will again be accused of lying!
    Hang tough- any sonsabitch that did you wrong knows the truth and anyone who doubts you is not worth worrying about- not now when you are free!
    As an abused child – I too know that the last thing you need is for someone to call you a liar for releasing this pain, let them- what the hell can they- or anyone do to you worse than what they already done!
    Fly girl, fly- you have no reason to feel any guilt whatsoever! Release that remaining nagging fear or bit of guilt they ingrained into your psyche and you will be free to never fear anyone again!
    All my love,
    BettyJean

  3. I agree with your decision to disclose their names. It’s time we expose all the depraved predators who violate our basic human rights of “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.” It empowers victims to let go of our shame, placing it instead on the shoulders of the abusers. When the public becomes aware of what goes on behind the closed doors of their own friends and neighbors homes, they just might start demanding that victims receive due justice!

  4. Patricia, You are one powerful and courageous woman!! You have survived and named your perpetrators to the world. Wow! I am awed bye this act of self-love and self-care.
    Thank you for showing us the way! One thought—you exposed your parents now because this is when you were ready to do it, and not when you wrote and published your autobiography. Be kind and loving and gentle with yourself. You weren’t ready to name your parents when you wrote My Justice, but you are now and YOU DID IT and people are witnessing the truth as we read this blog.
    I am so sorry for all you suffered and awed by the tremendous amount of work you must have done to heal to such a place of strength. You light the way for all of us.
    Much love,
    Audrey

  5. Wow! Good for you, your honesty and strength here is so powerful. It isn’t us survivors who should be hiding, apologizing or living with shame, they should. It’s so amazing that you named them, called them out for the horrific crimes they commuted against you. You definitely deserve to speak your truth as loudly as you can, no matter who likes it or not. My mother also painted herself as the grand victim when she was the ultimate abuser, the ultimate instigator, so I loved reading you calling yours out.

  6. You are an amazing person to have been able to rise above such horrific, HORRIFIC, abuse!!!! Good for you for speaking out. Just wish that man was alive to feel the shame on earth, but he certainly had to feel the shame in front of God himself. You have done a great job. I look forward to reviewing your sites. Thanks for being a great example of how we can have wholeness. Blessings to you and your family.

  7. Bless you for finding yourself and your voice. Never let the world forget those animals and what they did. But also, never forget that THEY were the garbage, and YOU are valuable beyond words. I love you and don’t even know you…simply because you are WORTHY of love….even this love from a stranger who appreciates your strength! ❤

  8. This is amazing!! You are so inspiring! Congratulations on breaking free and sharing it with us all! I can only pray to be as brave as you are one day. Thank you for showing those of us who have also been there that this step is achievable and glorious! You are so strong!!

  9. Good on you Trish! Why should they be protected? That’s what we victims do and have done, most of us for most of our lives. That’s why when I wrote NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, I didn’t hold back. Everyone who knows me today knows who my parents were. Oh sure, the coward in me waited to tell until both were dead, but, in my case, my anger is still directed at my father, not my mother, though she’s certainly not blameless.

    But what you’ve done here is indeed mighty courageous, albeit too late as far as Malcolm is concerned. As for your mom (still alive, right?) well, now it’s her turn to squirm. This is what they both deserve and no less. I applaud you Patricia McKnight. I hope this will hasten your own healing which I can see is still far from over .

    Big hugs hon from one who truly understands.

    Viga,

    Victim of incest at the hands of her own father.

  10. I am soooo proud of you for getting the names of these people off your chest. I remember asking you why you called it a novel. They deserve no protection. I hope that this empowers you even more in your quest for justice. You deserve all good things and even more. Stay true to your beautiful self. ~Janice~

  11. Trish, I am so proud of you for taking this step in your healing. Now allow yourself to grieve for that little girl. Each time that you take a step forward in healing, grief comes up to be felt and then let go of. Allow yourself to feel all of what you are feeling after writing and publishing this. (((Hugs))) my friend. Love you.

  12. Stepchat.com has ACOA meetings twice a day. There is a lot of healing to be had through ACOA which includes all families of abuse and dysfunction. I have an older brother and sister living in denial and protect them. I know Mom could have done more and also know she did what she could with what she had. Growing up there made my an excellent child protection worker and somewhere along the way I learned to keep the memory and the lesson but discharge the rage and move on. One is never too old for ACOA.

    • You go girl, they do not deserve our protection or respect, no matter who they are, may you always be strong 🙂 thank you

  13. Dear friends, readers, I cannot thank you all enough for your support and your comments. It is incredible to me that my story is helping others, but I am so grateful that it is. We must continue to share our truth, for how can we hope to prevent it all from invading another generation. If I can help anyone at all through a difficult or challenging time, please don’t hesitate to message me and let me know. I am sending a HUGE GROUP HUG to each and all of you. Thank you all so very very much ❤ trish

  14. Tricia, this is powerful! I think it shows a growth spurt in healing, to be able to sift through muck of protection of perpetrators to get to roots of abuse. I think the obituary is a good idea; perhaps others can write an obituary to their abusers. When I was writing Beyond the Tears I was surprised to learn that I could not name the perpetrators unless they had been charged and convicted, otherwise I’d be liable for slander. If only 3% of rapists ever get a sentence, then no one else knows an abuser is next door or in the family. Love and Light, Lynn

  15. Standing Ovation to you Girl on Fire, Keep going in your quest of healing and touching others with your strength to tell your story. Breaking the cycle, so proud of you!!!!

  16. I understand the need to soften the words and change the names. I have done this myself. I am slowly getting the clear message not just from you but also from Dave Pittman, who also posted his abusers name on his site TOGETHER WE HEAL. You are my hero and extremely brave to list the names and violent atrocities that were inflicted upon you by cruel adults.

    I have not listed the names yet in my blog but I am getting there … I found myself questioning the wording I used in my “About Me” section of my blog where I stated “My 2nd oldest brother was placed in the role of a substitute father while my parents failed to cope with their own lives and role as my parents.” … I struggled with the use of the word failed (was the use of the word failed to strong? … should I have said struggled instead of failed?) and after reading your post … I realized that that the word “failed” is absolutely appropriate. My parents FAILED … they passed on their parenting role to a brother that raped me and physical evidence shown to an ER that also FAILED because they sent me home to heal a bloody lacerated vagina and guess what? … they (my parents and the ER) gave this THING that was supposed to be a brother a free and clear license to continue raping me while my parents continued to FAIL to be parents and see the noticeable physical signs of abuse happening to me right before their very eyes. I plan to post two photos on my Paula Brave blog that demonstrate this well and completely fill me with rage (which is much better than the depression which immobilizes me to a state of helplessness).

    You deserved NONE (ZERO) of the horrifying things inflicted upon you. The adults in your home and community FAILED with a big ZERO % to protect you and the SHAME is 100% on them (not you). I watched your YouTube where you spoke about all these things and more. You are an awesome public speaker (especially about such a chain of horrific and traumatic events in your own personal life) and an excellent writer. You deserved (and still deserve) unconditional love and protection from true real life monsters. I applaud your courage and ongoing resilience. Thank you for being my hometown (very close to my home of St. Louis, MO) hero!

  17. The reason you protected them was because you were afraid of the aftermath–those Christian judges that abuse you even more and say “You should honor your father and mother!” So yes, I understand the need to run for safety. I’m so tired of those people who have no clue what they are talking about!!!

    Very well-written article.

  18. I know you posted this last month, but I don’t remember if I told you on Facebook or not how proud for you I am. I know all too well the struggle with naming your abuser so please know your fellow survivors stand beside you every step of the way! This is a burden the perpetrators need to carry, not you my dear friend. You are loved and appreciated.

    • David, thanks my friend 🙂 Your comments always make me feel so proud. It means a lot to know their are others who understand the many phases of healing, the living in recovery & aftermath of someone else’s brutal nature. Much love, respect & kindness your way. Today & always my friend, trish 🙂

  19. I just saw your story on Facebook. So many things I would love to say, but will just say, now knowing you, I am proud of you. So very proud of you! I am so sorry that you have endured hell here on earth. I wish you all the best, and to fully overcoming all that you have gone through. God bless your precious heart!

  20. Reblogged this on survivorsjustice and commented:

    No More Secrets!! It is your shame not mine, it is your crime, not mine. The most popular blog for 2013. Wow, incredible the support for this final secret. thank you to one and all who have supported me through every step of this journey. I am so very blessed to have you in any part of my life. Be blessed and always those wonderful Butterfly Dreams!!

      • Thanks Trish. I really like what you are doing with your Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery and blog talk radio. So many victims of abuse need our help to encouragement them and help them find the way out. I need to check more into your radio show. Thanks again and many blessings to you, my friend!!

  21. ….I am so sorry for your life history. I applaud your courage to out some despicable people. Bless you, your courage, and your continued advocacy.

  22. I’m so sorry you had so much evil brought on you by your own parents — it makes me sick! A woman cannot make a man (her husband) do or not do what he wants to do — she must take her child & run, run, run…. Where is a woman’s mind if she does not choose this freedom for her child or herself? No normal woman wants her husband or any man treating her daughter as a girlfriend. No normal man wants to do such sick acts to his daughter no matter what his wife does or does not do. We have a responsibility to, but not responsible for another adult. As for a child — parents and society are entirely responsible & it is evil that anyone allowed any millisecond of this to happen to you — a precious child. You are still a precious child. Thank God you are speaking out. I wonder at the generations of women long before us — what was their story? Were some simply crazy? How did they get that way? Evil? I am praying for your healing! What can we do to help you now? Please let us know.

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