Have you ever thought about going public with the names of your abusers? Have you thought about finally holding them accountable for what they did and what you were forced to endure?
This has been heavy on my mind for quite some time. I’ve shared the horrific details, which have been compared by incredible people, to the horrible life of Mr. Dave Pelzer, New York Times Best Seller – ‘A Child Called – It’.
So I think to myself many times over what else is there for me to share, what else do I have to work through to get this finally released from my soul so that I can live free from all the ugly secrets? There is only one secret left which plagues me constantly, the names of those two people who were responsible for my well being, nurturing, teaching me to become a capable young adult and healthy mother for my own children.
THESE TWO PEOPLE WERE EVIL NOT LOVING PARENTS AS THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN!!!
Why should their identities be protected? Why did I change their names when I published ‘My Justice’? Why did I call it a ‘novel’ rather than the truth of what it actually is, an AUTOBIOGRAPHY? It is every possible memory I have held deep inside for years, the memories that trapped me in a world of darkness.
Well today, after talking with one absolutely strong and amazing justice fighter, who has given me her blessing as a friend, an angel who has come into my life; one person I have followed for almost a year now on Linkedin but never dreamed would ever have any interest in my story, the amazing Ms. Dana Hoffman!!! Who is a lucky girl today to have this voice in my corner?
OK, first things first….
Why did I publish ‘My Justice’ and list it as a novel? When I published this horrific story of my life, I made it clear on the back cover; ‘this is the true story of one woman’s fight for survival. It has been created from her memories & nightmares.’
To me at the time this went into publication, Feb 2011, I had a major problem with seeing the word ‘AUTOBIOGRAPHY’ as a conceded comment about myself. Somehow when I looked at that particular word it terrified me, part of this was also wrapped up in DISSOCIATION. If I called it a ‘novel’ I didn’t have to feel connected to all of the horrifying evils of abuse & torture as written out from the memories & nightmares, the self destruction of what I endured. Also, what made my story any different from what so many others have endured? What made me so special that I wrote out my journey of hell and the vicious maltreatment of various levels of abuses inflicted?
If you are not aware, it is difficult enough for survivors of abuse to feel anything special about themselves. It is almost unfathomable to think we hold anything of value that others are interested in hearing, much less publishing a full life story about these brutal acts. So, it was SAFE for me to call it a novel; it was typical of me to put myself much lower than any other deserving being; I WAS TRAINED THROUGHOUT MANY YEARS THAT I HAD NOTHING ANY OTHER PERSON WOULD BE INTERESTED IN HEARING. I HAD AN ENTIRE COMMUNITY ABANDON ME IN THIS HELL FOR TWELVE YEARS, SO THEY DROVE HOME THE WORDS OF MY PARENTS —-
‘NO ONE WILL CARE AND NO ONE WILL EVER HELP YOU’ – ‘YOU DESERVED EVERYTHING YOU GOT’!!
Did I really deserve all of their evil? Did a five year old girl deserve to be viciously molested and tortured in front of her brother and two other neighbor boys? Did that child also deserve to be terrified into silence, threatened that if she spoke of what happened he would be sure and get her back, maybe even kill her? Did I deserve to be trained as the family slave, answer that little brass bell when it rang, no matter what I was doing? Did I deserve to be trained in how to entice grown men at the age of 11? Did I deserve to be traded off for the price of a couple of beers, just to satisfy his sick sadistic power over me? Did I deserve to be ripped apart with a shotgun barrel at just 12 because I went begging for my mother’s help? Did I deserve for school mates to come to our house and be forced to give oral sex to them? Did I deserve to be the entertainment at the late night adult male parties held at our house, while mother stepped in her bedroom to watch tv, then told I was the one who wanted to join the party? Did I deserve to be trained into being his whore, the one he could control and act out his dark evil against? Did I deserve to be left to physically rot away in mother’s lack of caring for the little girl she brought into this world? Did I deserve to be treated like trash, less than dog shit on the street by almost everyone who came into my life? Did I deserve for the girls at school not to friend me, but instead to whisper, point, degrade me even further? Did I deserve for teacher’s to belittle me for not having homework done or not knowing the answer to the classroom question? Did I deserve the law enforcement to drive by our house when the fights started with a raging evil drunk, but not stop and see who was being harmed? Did I deserve for everyone to shun me, call me ‘THE VILLAGE WHORE’ rather than seeing me as a CHILD; a little girl trapped inside a house of horror? REALLY, did I deserve to be a slave, a sex object, a disgusting example of what other children should NOT be? DID I DESERVE FOR THE FAMILY FRIENDS, THE VISITORS, THE TEACHERS, THE LAW, THE ENTIRE F’N TOWN TO DISCARD ME?
Tell me town’s people of Freeburg, HOW WOULD YOU DEAL WITH THIS IF IT WERE YOU OR YOUR CHILD? What made me so much less worthy than others of your caring and your help?
SO HERE GOES THE FINAL RELEASE OF MY SECRETS…..
My mother who allowed her daughter to be used, abused, raped, beaten, left her to rot, never supplied so much as a toothbrush and never did any single measure to protect her, simply gave her to the man she married, the man whose own adopted son warned her about his vicious evil – MONA WHITE. Mother you let everyone believe that you were the victim in that house, that you had no control over what happened and poor little you had to deal with the drunk, but I know the truth!!! TRUTH – he was putty in your hands. He would have done anything for you to act as if you loved him. He was your husband, not mine. He was never attacking to you, but YOU ALLOWED him to attack your daughter almost every single day for an entire twelve years. You, Mona White, allowed him to bring men to our house, you went into the bedroom and watched tv, then blamed the child because she was ordered by him to take part, you said she wanted it. You allowed him to take me on your dates together when I was just around 12 years old. You sat in the chair as he took me on the dance floor and in front of every adult in the place, rubbed himself on me and ‘taught’ me how to move my hips & ass so it felt all good to him. You, Mona White, allowed the infection on my skin to eat away at me for three continuous years before you took me to see ONE DOCTOR, but you never took me back and never cared again about the filth that covered my flesh. You, Mona White, allowed me to get detention in Freshman year because you couldn’t give me TWO DOLLARS to buy a can of deodorant. You sat at the kitchen table, looked me in the eye and said, ‘if you’d take a fucking bath then you wouldn’t stink so fucking bad.’ YOU never kept him out of the bathroom so I could safely bathe, you never stopped him from coming into my room at night. When you worked the bar you were too caught up in all the attention you were receiving to give a shit about the drunken pissed off man you just sent home to your children. YOU WERE NOT THE VICTIM – YOU WERE AN ABUSER OF YOUR OWN DESIGN!!! YOU cared about your youngest daughter, God forbid anyone should hurt her. You took her to the doctor, you took her to the dentist, you allowed her all of the material possessions she wanted, YOU COULDN’T WAIT FOR ME TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. Yet who was the person you have always called on when you were sad, angry, needed a friend or a listening ear? ME!! You cared about your older son, you cared about the abandoned children who you sheltered from the streets and the strangers you gave a home to, but YOU COULD NOT & WOULD NOT PROTECT YOUR OWN DAUGHTER!!! I reveal you now, the anger flows through my blood and I’ve carried your secrets for all my life. NOW YOU DESERVE all that comes your way!!!
Stepfather –MALCOLM WHITE – you disgusting evil son of a bitch!!! Who gave you the right to destroy a little girl with so much evil? Who gave you the right to sell her off and trade her out? Who gave you the right to beat her, torture her, brutalize every moment of her existence, then stalk her in her adult life. Who gave you the right to be so obsessed with me you crept outside the bedroom window of my home with my future husband. You stalked me at work, asking who would be the next man to take your daughter home and fuck her? Who gave you the right to ask the boyfriends, husbands, dates about what it was like to fuck me and what did I allow them to do, give them ideas on things they should do, hold me by the hair and threaten to blow my head off if I didn’t give all those school boys a blow job. You terrorized me from the moment you came into my life. You controlled every second of my day, it was always in my head and I never once ever doubted that you would kill me. You wanted to buy a trailer, but wanted your own special key, a place where ‘WE COULD PARTIES AND INVITE ALL YOUR COWORKERS AND BUDDIES TO JOIN IN’. You kept me from bathing for almost a full FIVE SOLID YEARS!!! You snuck into the bathroom when I was 17 so you could watch me try to shower, fearful you would try your sick games with me again. You took away my value, you took away my belief that I deserved any form of human kindness. YOUR WIFE, MY MOTHER, made sure you were buried with FULL MILITARY HONORS for the service in the air force during the Korean war, but this girl wrote up her own obituary for you…..this is what I posted on my refrigerator for a few months so that I could allow myself to feel the hatred toward you and her. This is what I published as I wrote out ‘My Justice’…… because I changed your name to ‘Walter’ in the book and never gave you a last name, now I write out the full name of the devil who tried, BUT DID NOT SUCCEED, at destroying the spirit of the person I am today.
“Here lies Malcolm White, the man who terrorized a little girl for twelve constant years of her life. He molested her, beat her, tortured her, stalked her, and raped her. He was able to have this control because of the mother who neglected to hear her daughter’s cry for help. He was given the secrecy because the little girl was too terrified to speak about the fears of her night. Now he must answer for his crimes as he is in front of the world’s strongest judge. It is my belief that he will now pay his penance for which is deserved of these crimes.”
In TRUTH, this is a very mild obituary and does not even begin to cover the levels of extreme evil you forced onto a child. No longer will I allow either of you to hide in society, to be seen as decent people, or for my mother to be seen as a VICTIM. No longer will I carry the burden of your pain, your memories, or feel the heavy fear of my afterlife because of your torture. I am now free from the both of you, no longer a child, no longer a helpless victim, but instead a true, honest, incredible survivor who has made it through all of your pain, your discarding of my being, the town’s people of Freeburg are held accountable for what they witnessed and heard, what they took part in and what they ignored, what they allowed to happen and the shame & blame they tagged on that child. I carry no longer any of that shame, I don’t carry the blame, I am not ‘your village whore’
I AM WORTHY – THIS IS MY TRUTH!!! ‘My Justice’ is my AUTOBIOGRAPHY!!
I do not apologize for the anger of this blog, I do not apologize for the words I’ve used, this is finally my truth. Thank you for reading and I hope their names are passed all around the social sites, pasted throughout every newspaper and that articles are published around the globe with their names. I will not name my siblings, nor will I name the men who have beaten and almost killed me, THESE TWO BEINGS ARE THE ROOT OF ALL THAT WAS THE BRUTAL HELL OF MY LIFE FOR ALMOST 37 YEARS!!!
©Patricia A. McKnight
Author: ‘My Justice’
Fndr/CEO – Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming
Direct Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Author/Advocate/Speaker/Trainer/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor