If you know me at all, then you know I am quite open and honest about the aftermath of life as a result of all the brutal acts. Yes, I know that we have all come through some pretty horrific histories. However as I have looked into the lives of so many others like myself, seriously trying to find someone whose life has been ripped apart as deeply as mine; I still have not found anyone impacted by these issues of violence and rape in the same ongoing tragic way.
Perhaps I am just feeling sorry for myself right now because of the holidays, but seriously those who know me know exactly what I’m talking about.
There has been huge amounts of joy in my life, even with all the horror. My children of course are the ones who have provided the greatest of those joys. However, these days there is always at least one of my children, at all times, who feels in some way that the ugly lies their father and other paternal relatives filled their heads with during their younger years is true.
There are many times in the present when I wonder if their father thinks at all about what happened during those four years when he had them and the ongoing years when I raised them? Does he think about how he was able to completely destroy this incredible magic bond I felt with my children when they came into this world? They were my babies dammit, and he and his family who stood by him and allowed this all to happen had no f’n right. I was a great mother and my children knew that I loved them.
Do you think the family realized the damage it would do to the positive Mother/Child bond my children and I shared?
No, I was not perfect at any time, but they all knew I loved them and I would never have done anything to harm them in any way. He also knew taking my children and destroying the bond we had was the only way he could do anything to hurt me at all, it just didn’t matter what he did anymore. I was done with all of it. Still today my family, my children and grandchildren, are so far away I’m not sure if we will ever be able to truly connect.
‘D’; you got what you wanted, you destroyed it all!!! You infected their lives with your dysfunctional thinking. How dare you put my children in that home or in that woman’s care. How dare you steal them away from me and take away the one true love I always thought I would be able to call mine; those whom I had nurtured and loved would at least care enough to show some form of love for the mother who fought each day simply because they needed me to be there.
It is because of his lies about my abandoning them; permitting him to steal them away; to keep them away from me and to run with them again after I had relocated for the specific reason of maintaining some form of contact with my babies. It is all of his vicious lies because he couldn’t handle that I didn’t want him any longer, so he used his rage and his need for control as a weapon to destroy the incredible loving bond I had with my children.
My kids do not see the real me as their mother; they see a woman with that name tag. I am not worthy of that connection, that special bond, that respect.
There are times when I feel like I am no different than the stranger down the street with them. If anything goes wrong in their life I am, and have been for years, the first one they call; especially for one child specifically. However, the holidays, birthdays, any day at all; this is when I often hear F**k you or I hear nothing at all. It is another Christmas time and again, no one is around and the only contact I get is ‘What are you sending out for the kids?’
Most often they play the game of holding back contact with the grandchildren. The one grandson I was able to talk with briefly on Thanksgiving, it had been 3 or 4 months since I had talked directly with him, but his mother felt the need to call me crying through her depression every day; and I was there for her through all of it. Never did I turn her away not in these past 10 years since she became pregnant have I ever been the one to turn away from her at all. When I got the chance to finally chat with him I found out his world was in turmoil.
Again now, they have cut off all communications. They use their children against me just as their father used them. They cuss and swear at me, they condemn me in front of their children without a care for the disrespect or destruction of another generation of my own blood. I am so sick of this crap invading the lives of my blood. How dare this shit still go on.
My children are not babies any more. They have a brain and they are old enough to make their own decisions about the mother I was or wasn’t. If they would take a day to think about all we went through together and really remember the bond we had as a family, not too long ago. Where in the fuck did it go? What the hell have I done to deserve another generation turned against me as a person. My grandson and I had an incredible relationship together until about two years ago. This is when I was told not to tell him ‘I love you more than the whole wide universe’. That was something I’ve always said to all of my children when they were little. We sang when we went shopping together. We played with toys in the store together. We laughed together and yes we cried together, but it was a family love. Now my son rarelyif all even talks to me. My daughters, well we won’t even go there because of all I’ve said already, I’m sure you get the picture.
When does this insanity end? What is it going to take for me to mend this broken bond?
Parents your children are not pawns in a chess game of power and territory. They are human beings who should be loved and empowered to become the very best people they can by as many around them as possible. What in the hell is the problem if no one is being abused or harmed in some way?
Courts when a child is in the middle of this type of revengeful battle, you are supposed to maintain the child’s best interest, not condemn based on the amount of money or the attorney standing in front of you.
Do you know that I took pictures of my son’s little 7 yr old ass to a judge because in 2nd grade he had his ass beaten with a leather strap called ‘The Dancer’, the same strap their father had been beaten with. Let alone the times I was allowed to pick them up for visitation and one would have a bloody nose the other a handprint across the face, or some kind of smacking around because they were arguing. He told my children; ‘I beat you because you are bad and you deserve it’, this is what they still believe today. A punch in the face to my 14yr old for touching a weight set in the garage.
Kids, when will you stop believing in all his lies and see what your life was really like?
Do you remember the Santa Claus who made sure to bring ‘The Dancer’ with him on Christmas Eve and if my children were biting their nails, or misbehaving in class, then they received a couple of mild swats with that same strap. What in the hell type of crazy ass impression of Santa does this leave on young children who have been stolen away from their mother? What in the hell kind of people make this impression of Santa on a child?
YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE NO LOGICAL REASON TO HOLD MY GRANDCHILDREN HOSTAGE FROM ME AND USE THEM AS A PAWN IN YOUR SICK GAME OF POWER!! I am so tired of having to play this game. Be careful what you say and do because the kids will keep the kids away from you. NO not any more. Those babies may never know what kind of Nana they have. I know at least one will have good loving memories and I hope they help him through. I pray all of you children see your mother for who she is and who she has been to you throughout your entire lives before the chance to heal is gone forever.
The more I try to do to help my children through all of our past issues, I am simply ‘the crazy lady’, the emotionally disturbed woman who is always over reacting. I’m sure if they read this they will also think that I am again just ‘over reacting’. It is a knife wound they have made deep in my heart and today they just keep twisting it to make sure they know I hurt in some way. It really is as if they are not happy when connected with me, nor have any clue as to how to maintain a regular Mother & Child relationship.
I am so desperate for any recognition from them at all that I would appreciate even a simple text or any form of menial connection from them.
How is it that the one who put them in harm’s way, the one who has hurt them physically & emotionally, the one who never once supported their dreams or told them how well they are doing, how proud he is of them; yet this person who literally STOLE THEM AWAY all those years ago has left this deep of a wound in our relationship. I do not know if there is a way to repair all the damage that’s been done. It is the deepest abandonment I can feel.
Maybe because of my not being there to rescue them when they were being harmed the worst, they want to be sure I feel what they must have felt.
I tried to have that witch arrested for what harm I heard she had done to my children, as soon as I found out!! Funny it was their father whom she called and it was a meeting with him when he told me about helping her put her family back together, but he had left her not because of what was happening but because she also cheated on him; that’s what caused him to finally get pissed enough to leave.
Dearest Creator Above, you know how hard I’ve tried to mend all of the pain in their lives, but today I am still the one they choose to shut out.
My oldest child remembers the day that I suddenly wasn’t there any longer. He remembers standing there in his ‘Woogie Boogie’ footed pajamas, waving to me as I waited for a cab to pick me up and take me to work that morning.
Our relationship, although I’ve tried endlessly to mend it in many ways, still not one single child cares enough about the woman who gave them life; the one who dedicated the memoir about the impact of her childhood wounds and the grief of how it impacted their lives; she is not worthy of their respect, their love, their connection for the person I am.
How tragic things can turn out no matter how hard we try sometimes. I’ve looked at my life over and over again. I’ve dissected this over and over again. I’ve tried to see where it all broke apart and why they treat me like they do. I’ve allowed for them in some way because its how they always saw other people treat me, so maybe they feel its just a habit or they don’t see it as a problem at all which is even much worse. I just know that the only thing that ties me to them at all is the word ‘Mom’ rather than the affection you normally feel for that person. I’ve never beaten my children. I cried when I had to correct them, it broke my heart to see all the pain they had gone through.
All I can say at this point is I am so tired of this crap bleeding through my family’s veins. I must find a way to heal these wounds and give my heart some peace before my time here is done. I don’t want it to be after the fact that they realize later, how much I truly loved them and supported all their dreams, stood through all their challenges and even accepted their outrages and anger over all the pain.
I am done feeling guilty for what has happened. I can’t go back and change how things happened then. All I can do is be me in the moment today. The me who is now a devoted voice against these types of harmful actions, especially within our family unit. We always hurt those closest to us and our relationship has paid the ultimate price.
May Creator above find a way to help me bring a resolution to this heartbreak I’ve had for so long. I can’t stand one more holiday season or one more day knowing that I am being shunned away from my grandchildren now all because hey it is so damned easy to shut mom out, its what we’ve always done. She’s just a figure in our lives. Why should they feel any respect or kindness for me at all, they were not raised with those values instilled in them by anyone, except of course by all the acts of love & care I’ve given throughout all these years. I am lost. I am abandoned. I feel very alone. I pray for strength as I wait for this storm to pass.
Wondering if it ever really will?
Thanks for reading, hopefully it helps connect with another soul out there somewhere who is also dealing in this same painful reality. What happens when our children become the ones who emotionally & verbally disrespect and abuse us, shut us out and then use dangerous words to alienate the precious babies we should be cuddling and enjoying rather than begging for just a five minute phone chat so that you can say; ‘I love you and I’m still here.’
Much love, prayers and always those Butterfly Dreams
©Patricia A. McKnight
Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery