When parental alienation becomes grandparent alienation

 

If you know me at all, then you know I am quite open and honest about the aftermath of life as a result of all the brutal acts. Yes, I know that we have all come through some pretty horrific histories. However as I have looked into the lives of so many others like myself, seriously trying to find someone whose life has been ripped apart as deeply as mine; I still have not found anyone impacted by these issues of violence and rape in the same ongoing tragic way.

Perhaps I am just feeling sorry for myself right now because of the holidays, but seriously those who know me know exactly what I’m talking about.

There has been huge amounts of joy in my life, even with all the horror. My children of course are the ones who have provided the greatest of those joys. However, these days there is always at least one of my children, at all times, who feels in some way that the ugly lies their father and other paternal relatives filled their heads with during their younger years is true.

There are many times in the present when I wonder if their father thinks at all about what happened during those four years when he had them and the ongoing years when I raised them? Does he think about how he was able to completely destroy this incredible magic bond I felt with my children when they came into this world? They were my babies dammit, and he and his family who stood by him and allowed this all to happen had no f’n right. I was a great mother and my children knew that I loved them.

Do you think the family realized the damage it would do to the positive Mother/Child bond my children and I shared?

No, I was not perfect at any time, but they all knew I loved them and I would never have done anything to harm them in any way. He also knew taking my children and destroying the bond we had was the only way he could do anything to hurt me at all, it just didn’t matter what he did anymore. I was done with all of it. Still today my family, my children and grandchildren, are so far away I’m not sure if we will ever be able to truly connect.

‘D’; you got what you wanted, you destroyed it all!!! You infected their lives with your dysfunctional thinking. How dare you put my children in that home or in that woman’s care. How dare you steal them away from me and take away the one true love I always thought I would be able to call mine; those whom I had nurtured and loved would at least care enough to show some form of love for the mother who fought each day simply because they needed me to be there. 

It is because of his lies about my abandoning them; permitting him to steal them away; to keep them away from me and to run with them again after I had relocated for the specific reason of maintaining some form of contact with my babies. It is all of his vicious lies because he couldn’t handle that I didn’t want him any longer, so he used his rage and his need for control as a weapon to destroy the incredible loving bond I had with my children.

My kids do not see the real me as their mother; they see a woman with that name tag. I am not worthy of that connection, that special bond, that respect.

There are times when I feel like I am no different than the stranger down the street with them. If anything goes wrong in their life I am, and have been for years, the first one they call; especially for one child specifically. However, the holidays, birthdays, any day at all; this is when I often hear F**k you  or I hear nothing at all. It is another Christmas time and again, no one is around and the only contact I get is ‘What are you sending out for the kids?’

Most often they play the game of holding back contact with the grandchildren. The one grandson I was able to talk with briefly on Thanksgiving, it had been 3 or 4 months since I had talked directly with him, but his mother felt the need to call me crying through her depression every day; and I was there for her through all of it. Never did I turn her away not in these past 10 years since she became pregnant have I ever been the one to turn away from her at all. When I got the chance to finally chat with him I found out his world was in turmoil.

Again now, they have cut off all communications. They use their children against me just as their father used them. They cuss and swear at me, they condemn me in front of their children without a care for the disrespect or destruction of another generation of my own blood. I am so sick of this crap invading the lives of my blood. How dare this shit still go on.

My children are not babies any more. They have a brain and they are old enough to make their own decisions about the mother I was or wasn’t. If they would take a day to think about all we went through together and really remember the bond we had as a family, not too long ago. Where in the fuck did it go? What the hell have I done to deserve another generation turned against me as a person. My grandson and I had an incredible relationship together until about two years ago. This is when I was told not to tell him ‘I love you more than the whole wide universe’. That was something I’ve always said to all of my children when they were little. We sang when we went shopping together. We played with toys in the store together. We laughed together and yes we cried together, but it was a family love. Now my son rarelyif all even talks to me. My daughters, well we won’t even go there because of all I’ve said already, I’m sure you get the picture.

When does this insanity end? What is it going to take for me to mend this broken bond?

Parents your children are not pawns in a chess game of power and territory. They are human beings who should be loved and empowered to become the very best people they can by as many around them as possible. What in the hell is the problem if no one is being abused or harmed in some way?

Courts when a child is in the middle of this type of revengeful battle, you are supposed to maintain the child’s best interest, not condemn based on the amount of money or the attorney standing in front of you.

Do you know that I took pictures of my son’s little 7 yr old ass to a judge because in 2nd grade he had his ass beaten with a leather strap called ‘The Dancer’, the same strap their father had been beaten with. Let alone the times I was allowed to pick them up for visitation and one would have a bloody nose the other a handprint across the face, or some kind of smacking around because they were arguing. He told my children; ‘I beat you because you are bad and you deserve it’, this is what they still believe today. A punch in the face to my 14yr old for touching a weight set in the garage. 

Kids, when will you stop believing in all his lies and see what your life was really like?

Do you remember the Santa Claus who made sure to bring ‘The Dancer’ with him on Christmas Eve and if my children were biting their nails, or misbehaving in class, then they received a couple of mild swats with that same strap. What in the hell type of crazy ass impression of Santa does this leave on young children who have been stolen away from their mother? What in the hell kind of people make this impression of Santa on a child?

YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE NO LOGICAL REASON TO HOLD MY GRANDCHILDREN HOSTAGE FROM ME AND USE THEM AS A PAWN IN YOUR SICK GAME OF POWER!! I am so tired of having to play this game. Be careful what you say and do because the kids will keep the kids away from you. NO not any more. Those babies may never know what kind of Nana they have. I know at least one will have good loving memories and I hope they help him through. I pray all of you children see your mother for who she is and who she has been to you throughout your entire lives before the chance to heal is gone forever.

The more I try to do to help my children through all of our past issues, I am simply ‘the crazy lady’, the emotionally disturbed woman who is always over reacting. I’m sure if they read this they will also think that I am again just ‘over reacting’. It is a knife wound they have made deep in my heart and today they just keep twisting it to make sure they know I hurt in some way. It really is as if they are not happy when connected with me, nor have any clue as to how to maintain a regular Mother & Child relationship.

I am so desperate for any recognition from them at all that I would appreciate even a simple text or any form of menial connection from them.

How is it that the one who put them in harm’s way, the one who has hurt them physically & emotionally, the one who never once supported their dreams or told them how well they are doing, how proud he is of them; yet this person who literally STOLE THEM AWAY all those years ago has left this deep of a wound in our relationship. I do not know if there is a way to repair all the damage that’s been done. It is the deepest abandonment I can feel.

Maybe because of my not being there to rescue them when they were being harmed the worst, they want to be sure I feel what they must have felt.

I tried to have that witch arrested for what harm I heard she had done to my children, as soon as I found out!! Funny it was their father whom she called and it was a meeting with him when he told me about helping her put her family back together, but he had left her not because of what was happening but because she also cheated on him; that’s what caused him to finally get pissed enough to leave. 

Dearest Creator Above, you know how hard I’ve tried to mend all of the pain in their lives, but today I am still the one they choose to shut out.

My oldest child remembers the day that I suddenly wasn’t there any longer. He remembers standing there in his ‘Woogie Boogie’ footed pajamas, waving to me as I waited for a cab to pick me up and take me to work that morning.

Our relationship, although I’ve tried endlessly to mend it in many ways, still not one single child cares enough about the woman who gave them life;  the one who dedicated the memoir about the impact of her childhood wounds and the grief of how it impacted their lives; she is not worthy of their respect, their love, their connection for the person I am.

How tragic things can turn out no matter how hard we try sometimes. I’ve looked at my life over and over again. I’ve dissected this over and over again. I’ve tried to see where it all broke apart and why they treat me like they do. I’ve allowed for them in some way because its how they always saw other people treat me, so maybe they feel its just a habit or they don’t see it as a problem at all which is even much worse. I just know that the only thing that ties me to them at all is the word ‘Mom’ rather than the affection you normally feel for that person. I’ve never beaten my children. I cried when I had to correct them, it broke my heart to see all the pain they had gone through.

All I can say at this point is I am so tired of this crap bleeding through my family’s veins. I must find a way to heal these wounds and give my heart some peace before my time here is done. I don’t want it to be after the fact that they realize later, how much I truly loved them and supported all their dreams, stood through all their challenges and even accepted their outrages and anger over all the pain.

I am done feeling guilty for what has happened. I can’t go back and change how things happened then. All I can do is be me in the moment today. The me who is now a devoted voice against these types of harmful actions, especially within our family unit. We always hurt those closest to us and our relationship has paid the ultimate price.

May Creator above find a way to help me bring a resolution to this heartbreak I’ve had for so long. I can’t stand one more holiday season or one more day knowing that I am being shunned away from my grandchildren now all because hey it is so damned easy to shut mom out, its what we’ve always done. She’s just a figure in our lives. Why should they feel any respect or kindness for me at all, they were not raised with those values instilled in them by anyone, except of course by all the acts of love & care I’ve given throughout all these years. I am lost. I am abandoned. I feel very alone. I pray for strength as I wait for this storm to pass.

Wondering if it ever really will?

Thanks for reading, hopefully it helps connect with another soul out there somewhere who is also dealing in this same painful reality. What happens when our children become the ones who emotionally & verbally disrespect and abuse us, shut us out and then use dangerous words to alienate the precious babies we should be cuddling and enjoying rather than begging for just a five minute phone chat so that you can say; ‘I love you and I’m still here.’

Much love, prayers and always those Butterfly Dreams

 

 

©Patricia A. McKnight

Dec 2013

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

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17 thoughts on “When parental alienation becomes grandparent alienation

  1. It is so unfair & you have every right to be angry & resentful. My former mother-in-law was kept from coming home to her four children because her husband decided their oldest son could take over at 14 and dad could be with the woman he wanted. Her kids are in their 50s & still mistreating her & she is cut off from grandchildren. Her son is continuing his dad’s behavior & has my daughter completely cut off from me, using the EXACT SAME WORDS that I’ve heard her aunt use to not speak to her mom: “It hurts me not to have a relationship with my mother, but because [insert lame excuse here] that’s the way it has to be.” I hope & pray for your peace. I pray your kids will stop following their father’s abusive example.

    • Moms Hearts, what a wonderful blog id name, there is so much we can share on that topic for sure. How sad to know of another family going through what sounds like the exact same thing I am dealing with. this is why I publish my thoughts and share them around, You never know whose heart you can touch with a story and when we open up we help take away some of the power and the pain. My heart & prayers to your aunt and also for the relationship with your own family. May Creator find a way to help us all find the courage to end the impact of these vicious crimes of pain. thanks so very much, courage to you always and a wonderful Merry Christmas wish your way ❤ trish

      • Thank you for the kind encouragement, Trish. I just found out that my former mother-in-law, who is very dear to me & I spoke of in the previous comment, was not acknowledged by any of her 3 kids, who are no longer kids, but in their 50s. What’s worse, I learned through another family member that my ex is turning our daughter against HIS OWN MOTHER as well. My ex is continuing the lies & blame of his father who alienated he & his siblings from their mother/my former mother-in-law. My ex works & lives less than 10 minutes from his mother. I pray she be surrounded by love soon. I pray my daughter, who she has always been a wonderful grandmother to, will show her grandmother love & compassion, even if it has to be done behind her alienating dad’s back. I will print out your blog post & send it to my former mother-in-law. (She is not on the Internet.) Thank you for sharing your truth.

      • My prayers, respect & love in hopes your ex mother in law and your daughter are able to mend the bond of love. No child should be kept from the positive and loving people in their lives. In fact they need as many wonderfully kind and protective people as possible. In hopes that one day your family too will heal, prayers always, trish 🙂

  2. Trish, I’m so sorry to read this and see all the hurt you are feeling. You did nothing wrong, nothing but love your children and be there for them. Their father has brainwashed them into believing that you are a bad person, and for some reason they still believe all this shit. I just can’t understand it either, and it breaks my heart to see what they are doing to you. I know how I felt when my daughter hated me, called me all kinds of names, even tried to smother me with a pillow. I was so stunned because I loved my kids, and they were such loving kids when they were small. I know the situation is not the same as yours, but those years that my daughter hurt me, I can understand how you are feeling. They have no right to do this to you, and I hope and pray that they open their eyes and see the wonderful mother and person you truly are.

    If I had the chance I would tell them. ” Hey, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you hurting your mother, who loved you beyond anything else, who saved you, gave you hugs and love and safety in your lives. Now you treat her with horrible disrespect, swearing at her, you are all adults now OPEN your eyes, see your mom for who she truly is, a beautiful person inside and out, who only wants your love back, not just when you need her but all the time. Time to spend with, even if it is to talk on the phone, to tell her you love her, because I am sure deep down there is love for you mom somewhere in your hearts. Stop playing these mind games, STOP taking the grandchildren and using them against their Nana. Your mom doesn’t deserve this. Her life was horrific in every way. Open your eyes, really look deep in your hearts, and remember what you father did too all of you, to you mom, visualize all that happened in your family when you all lived together with your father and mom. The abuse, the hurt the fear you all had as children from him. You witnessed so much damage, and your mom took you all away from that, to safety, to be loved. WHY can’t you all see this? WHY are you hurting her, so badly? What purpose do you have other than being mean selfish and controlling. You are all acting just like your father did. CAN’T YOU SEE THAT? Cutting you mom from her grandkids is cruel and disheartening. You are damaging your own children, is that what you want? They need their Nana as much as she needs them. And I pray that you all open your eyes, stop destroying the bond that was there between you all and you mom. She is a wonderful person, who I love so much, and I have only know you mom for a few years now, but I can feel the hurt in her heart as I read this statement, It cuts through me like a knife to feel her pain. I felt that pain for one of my children, and know the hurt that is there, but this is too long. You need to open your eyes, your heart, and realize what you have done to your mom. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. Remember one thing, your kids are still going to grow up, think about how you would feel if they alienated you!!!! Told you to f**k off, disrespected you, and you were left with no one. How would you feel? And guess what it could happen, really look at that, then look at your own beautiful mother, see the pain in her heart that you caused. I just hope that you realize the damage you are causing in your relationships with your mom, and realize it before it’s too late and you can’t do anything about it. Then you will regret doing what you are doing to your mom. Why would you listen to a father who hurt all of you, hurt your mother by beating her? I just don’t get it..This is Christmas, a time for love within families, have none of you any love to share? Are you all that selfish because if you are I feel so sorry for you, and your day will come when you go before God, and He reminds you of what you did to you mom. Praying that you all realize the damage being done to your mom and to your children. Praying that you open your eyes and see the real person your mom is, not just when you are feeling depressed, but always. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and hoping you read this before then but am sure you won’t. I am very upset by this, no child/adult should treat their own parents this way.”

    Trish just had to say that. Big hugs to you, wish I could give you a real one. But you have done all you can do, you are a special person that is in my heart, and my prayers. Just know you were a wonderful mother to your kids, you did nothing wrong but love them, kept them safe, but for some reason their so called father, brainwashed them so badly. I pray that they really look deep within their selves to see how wrong he was how wrong they are for doing what they are doing to you..All my love to you Trish, Try and have a Merry Christmas, as hard as that is going to be, you have Robbie enjoy your time together and remember, you did nothing wrong, now it’s up to them to see what they did to you. They have to fix it..<3 ❤

    • Mary that is just it dear, we expect to go through troubles with our children, we expect to have heart ache as that is the reality of parenthood, but when the other party turns them against a loving parent who wants nothing more than to be a part of their lives and give some positive light when there is nothing around, this is a true crime and sadly it happens way too often. Parents don’t think about what they are doing to their kids when they do this. It is child abuse and it is a life altering abuse. It tears apart everything the child believes about the other person. it is something I have been dealing with for years, but I am tired now and the guilt has been on my shoulders long enough. I truly cannot carry this around any longer. I cannot be the one who is trashed and blamed for all the dysfunction in their lives. I’ve never directly harmed or caused emotional harm to my children. It wasn’t until they became irresponsible parents that I butted into their lives at all. They can go on and never look back, so long as they make sure their children’s lives are filled with love & laughter, this is what they can do to end the cycle of evil that has rooted itself in the blood line of my family. My children can and do have the opportunity to end it all and help their children come through childhood with a positive outlook on the world and a kind soul to inspire the dreams of another. It is now a choice they have to make as I am now at the point of rest, there is not enough fight left in my heart or my soul to continue carrying all of this insanity for another moment. Praying they find a way to see who I really am and allow their own ADULT BRAINS to make a decision based on what they know, what they remember, what they know in their heart is the truth. Thanks tons my angel friend for all of your incredible words. You are truly an amazing friend ❤ much love always~~trish

  3. Trish you are very welcome ❤ and you are so right, the ball is now in their court. You HAVE carried this around for way too long now. It's time to let it be up to them. Love you, and prayers always to you, and for them. ❤ ❤ Mary…

  4. I feel your pain… i miss mine so much and my daughter was treated the same as you… it hurts so much, and i am so lonely for them… and for the woman my daughter used to be… she misses them so much our relationship is in a constant state of struggle, and we hurt each other, because we each hurt so much… i miss my grandbabies, i miss my daughter and i want to destroy the ones who did this to her, and to them… instead, i just sit and cry, and write and try to make it through another day, another Christmas without them… and watch her die a little more inside as each day passes… thanks for sharing and giving me the chance to do the same…

    • Debra, dear lady thanks so much for your comments. It is indeed so hard to go through the holidays knowing so much of their lives has been distorted by the crimes of the past. It breaks us in two when we think of how it impacts their children, even when the kids don’t directly realize as we didn’t realize then. I pray one day they are able to understand who their mother really is and just how much I truly love them, how they were the reason I stayed in the fight for life at all. There were so many times I just wanted to throw in the towel rather than try to change things, make things better, or give them guidance of love & happiness. They are the reason, they were my strength, I woke every morning because I knew they needed me in their lives. I can’t imagine the cold people they would be today without some form of kindness in their lives. Each of these holidays I’ve gone without them, well lets just say it rips the wound deeper and deeper, but I pray for the day when they really learn to see me. My hugs of strength to you, may you always find that reason to hang in there, win the fight even if it is just to get you through the day. Much respect and thanks again ❤

  5. I’m gonna take a stab at this. Are they “mad” at you for their lives? I mean, they need SOMEBODY to blame and you seem to be “the one” for it. Do they have any relationship with their father? If not, then they can’t take it out on him. Do they live far from you? Sometimes, we may push for deep answers when our kids don’t even want to discuss “our drama”. Even though it’s cold, sometimes I think they are sick of our stories?? Don’t know if any of this hits home, just hate that this is continuing with more pain for you. Maybe you just go “full steam ahead” and call and visit and “ignore” their bullshit (from their perspective) I’m sure inside you will be feeling the full onset of their insensitivity. I may be totally off the mark, just brainstorming.

    • HI Linda, thanks for commenting, indeed the kids are angry at me. Angry that I did something which caused their father to take them, run, and then put them through 4 yrs of psychological hell, physical & what ended up in sexual abuse. Now days, they have some relationship with their dad. They seem to think he is the good one. However, they struggle to always gain his approval and pride, but he is never willing to give it. So their anger has no other place to go except towards me. I understand this in them, but still I pray one day they will have compassion for the mother who did her very best and truly loves them. Who knows how the story will end, I can only hope they understand before it is too late for the family repair. I’ve tried at least 10 times in the past two years to get the attention of Dr. Phil or someone else who could help my children and I heal through this, but as of yet there is nothing. Maybe one day is what I keep telling myself. Hoping you are well, thanks again for sharing your thoughts,. trish 🙂

    • Carolyn thanks so much, I am truly sorry for your heartache. It is so tragic when our children become our abusers and turn our precious grandchildren away from us rather than seeing that we have healed and become so much stronger. My heart goes out to you and yes I will certainly look for your page. blessings & hugs, trish

  6. im sorry that you have been put through this kind of hell i know from liveing everyday in heart ache and pain and confusion wondering what did i do to deserve this shit. my story is yet un heard except by the ones who are dealing with it witch is me n my 2 younger children and family and friends that have witnessed this. its came to a point that my life and childrens lifes are dangerously effected and i need help i dont know what to do they have taken everything and i mean everything from me my home car and everything my kids own toys clothes we left with a basket of clothes and i havent seen my oldest son scence… i need help please thank u

    • sorry i also wanted to add im a 30 yr old single mom im not a grandmother yet its my childs father and his mother that has put me n my kids through this hell and i have no o e to turn to we are homeless and there is alot more serious problems i dont wNt to mention but i am asking for help or somebody to talk to please

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