Broken Parents creating Broken Children

 

IMG_6807 Through this writing I hope to touch the heart of just one family, just one broken parent or confused child, to believe in hope. I hope that in some way, through my voice and the hundreds of others, we as a society can provide a resource within every community to help families deal directly with these issues, rather than turning away, passing judgment, placing blame, and ignoring the signs we have learned can lead to something much worse; look deeper than the surface and heal the broken souls within.

This is what happens when broken children become broken parents without anyone willing to notice or help provide the resources and support they need to mend their family unit. This is the part I cannot stress enough, which should be so important in our society today; healing the parents to empower their ability to protect & guide their children with love, patience, understanding and most of all without the threat of sexual contact stealing away their child’s inner being.

There is a very large piece of the puzzle which I cannot speak about publicly in detail, because it is not my story to tell; it is the inner lives of my children and grandchildren. Many of you have heard me share about the dysfunction which continues to invade my bloodline; the 3rd generation touched by the evil which so many witnessed, permitted and some even took part in a long time ago.

 Those many adults in the small community of Freeburg decided I wasn’t a harmed child, I was just a whore!! Sadly I was just a kid forced to endure his evil, her disregard & severe neglect; all those years abandoned within a house of hell!!

They trained me you know. Mona & Malcolm both; they trained me to believe I was not even human. If they would have forced me to eat from the dog’s bowl, which I’m really surprised they didn’t; it could not have been any more evil in that house. You may not have been aware of just how cruel it was on the inside, but that which many of you did witness would be enough to hopefully alarm any neighbor, family friend, educator or police force today. However, it still amazes me how many children still fall through the cracks of our distorted perceptions of what is allowed within the family unit.

Today all my nightmares are history and despite the deep scarring effect, it only matters because of how that which was permitted against a little girl way back then, twisted the child’s thoughts, decision process, and perception of what was to be accepted & tolerated within her life; leaving a broken dysfunctional mess who went from one abuser to the next looking for love and acceptance, then had children in the mix of her own adult confusion.

 Well today the dysfunction left behind still invades the lives of my grandchildren in some form and that makes me angry, hurt, sad.

In all honesty I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get pregnant. After all those years of unprotected sex, internal injury from multiple rapes; worst of all being the shotgun barrel he used when I was twelve. Then there was all the ongoing years without any medical care or cleaning, how could I have expected to ever have children? Really I didn’t think God considered me worthy of being a ‘mom’ but in the end He did and they are still the three most cherished gifts I’ve ever been given.

When I begin to look inside myself during these past years of healing. The hardest part was accepting how what I had allowed and the decisions I made in my broken adult self, had effected the healthy development of my children and their sense of what a stable secure life was really like. There were many years of painful abuse & violence which distorted my views and until I was 35 years old, I seriously didn’t even know there were places of help who would have given us safe shelter and provided me with a beginning start on life skills to better handle things.

My children were stuck going through the physical rule and verbal degradation of their father, then the wrath of their stepfather for another four years before I was strong enough to take a chance and break away from my ‘normal’; the only way of life I had ever known. I wasn’t sure I could handle providing what my young children needed to survive. Housing, food, clothing, school it was all a terrifying thought, but I absolutely had to take that chance if I ever wanted them to know some sense of family love without harm.

Today we often ask; ‘Why does that abused parent stay when they are being harmed, beaten, almost murdered? We blame that parent rather than see their broken distorted views of what life and family is all about.  You wouldn’t even begin to imagine how well I was trained to believe this type of thing was all I deserved. In truth this type of brutal cruelty was the only ‘normal’ I ever knew.

The tolerance, the need for wanting to be loved, the sense that I wasn’t capable of providing my kids the life they deserved, that I couldn’t survive without a partner in my life, the desperate need for someone to ‘love’ me and just accept me lasted through twenty years and six different men. The abuse covered absolutely every form and exploded on many different levels. I just cannot explain the full impact this ended up having on my children’s lives.

 How many other children and families are dealing with this same cycle of pain passing through their lives today? We can only take the statistical information and multiply it by what Congress has stated; ‘For every one report that is made at least six others are not’. Think about the HUGE number of families and victims who never report a single attack against them, and the children who have no voice at all in their home.

What of those who are like me; abandoned and left to believe it was all they deserve and no one will ever care, so why should they ever reach out for help or bother with making a report? What of those broken parents who believe they will have their children whisked away because of the violence and abuse they continue to tolerate? We need to provide resources so they can heal their own lives, then help them become the parents they need to be, responsible & protective, nurturing & gentle.

My greatest guilt is that I didn’t realize the wounded impact it would have on their lives as they grew up, even though we had broken away and had our own house of safety, filled with a family bond, love, laughter, and no exploding violence. 

Although my children may admit they knew I loved them, or they may even remember the treats, special holidays, birthdays and other such events filled with many moments of laughter, love, and family bonding; our lives were chaos from my emotional stresses, the wounding left from all those decades of violence mixed with the lack of life skills to keep us going. Needless to say most of their good memories are outweighed by the disruption of violence or emotional dysfunction within their home. The relationship I have with my adult children is still very broken; it is all so crisscrossed with the insane aftermath of what happened way back when.

Today my greatest worry is my grandchildren? Are they going to live knowing what it’s like to really be safe and be at peace within their homes? Will their lives be stable or will they grow within the invasion of the ongoing cycle of dysfunction? Sadly, I know this answer as I’ve seen how its already played out in their early lives, but I pray there will be someone who can help me convince my children of how deep this ugly nightmare bleeds into our family and the need for them to find a way to face the truth of their own need to heal. I’m constantly worrying about their decisions and what I know they already accept in their relationships, the sacrifices they lay on their children rather than listening to the pleas of their mother to connect with the resources I give them and heal themselves; become the parents their children deserve before there is serious harm and they have to face the same child/parent crisis I deal with today.

Do you think they will ever understand why I have chosen to be the strong voice against abuse that I’ve worked so hard to become today? Do you think they understand how it all connects together and until they heal their wounds, accept their own faults as much as their abilities; only then can they become the truly capable parents their children need? Will they ever understand how it breaks my heart to know there is nothing more I can do to help them, that today it is all in their adult hands and they lay out the future for how it will effect their children’s normal growth, development and possible success in life?  The truth is that the more I beg them to look at their lives and decisions, their choices and feelings, and how it all impacts their children’s lives, this is usually when they become tempered with me or they cut me out altogether.

Sadly, as I look at this deep set disconnection with my children all I can do is cry. It rips my heart apart and shreds me of any desire to continue moving forward at all. I want to break into pieces, I want to hide in the darkness, I want to scream out ‘I LOVE YOU’, but I know the depth of that love will never be heard. It is a tragedy I hope none of you have to bare, but for those many broken parents like me it is almost a certainty. Today I am so tired of this screwed up insane disconnection to the three persons who had given me a reason to live.  How I long for them to understand the strength it took for me to take that chance and escape the violent life, buy us a house, and then be even stronger to get rid of the different abusers who would follow. Isn’t it time they found some level of compassion for the woman who did her best to create a safe home for them, instill decency and good values, made sure we had dinner together every night, attended school functions with great pride in their accomplishments and some special treat for their efforts; the one who kept them believing in their dreams even when others told them it was a waste of time.

It feels as if nothing will earn me the compassion and forgiveness from my children, not their understanding or simple love for the mother I tried to be then and the woman I am still becoming today. I cannot wish away the mess of yesterday nor can I be the one who heals their wounds today. They are broken, they are enduring the aftermath of those once tolerated acts of their mother.. They are treading water trying to figure out why they can’t get out of the mess or how in the hell they ended up there in the first place? Now I can only suggest ways for them to work through things, provide resource contacts as I would for anyone, or be the one to hear their cries over the phone. They are adults now and it is time for them to take on their own adult responsibilities. It is time to release me from the sole blame for all that went wrong, and let go of the brainwashing forced into their heads so long ago. It is time for them to mend their ways, accept their own wrong behaviors & decisions, and begin giving their children the lives they deserve.

This share is for all of the parents who carry the heartbreak of how their own wounding that has cycled into their children’s lives despite all their efforts to change and protect, love & guide. This is what we as a society must begin to accept today if we hope to help end this ongoing insanity and life altering impact of family violence & dysfunction in our children’s lives. Can we continue allowing it to go on without addressing the deep rooted truth? We continue to learn through the many hundreds sharing their history of wicked torture and dysfunction, that what happens within our own family can often be the most evil danger our children will ever experience. I hope we can learn from these many incredible survivors of hell.

Thanks so much to those who help me make it through with your positive hope and the friendships I’ve built. Blessings to the wounded souls of yesterday. May our families heal and this be the end of the ever present ongoing destruction that cycles through our generations. Believe that you can be the beginning of change within your family unit. I wish you peace and inner balance to mend the wounds of our past and provide the healing hope many families are in need of today. 

Dream big, expect miracles, and never accept anything less than love & safety

Thank you  bdarBANNER

©Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Fndr/CEO: Patricia ‘Trish’ McKnight

Crisis Support/Mentor/Key Note Speaker/Radio Host/Author

‘My Justice’ Finally sharing the voice stolen away so long ago.

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamstalkradio

http://www.Shopping4Survivors.com

www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

~~Always believe anything is possible with you in the active equation~~

Published by @Trecia_Ann

Recently, Facebook locked and removed my decade long creation of work and public profile, which focused my work as an advocate, speaker, mentor, and creator of more than a few programs used throughout Illinois, but also shared nationally and some have reached international platforms. So.... let's start fresh and see where it goes! Please see the writings on this blog dating back into 2011, created after the publication of 'My Justice'. There are two specifically, which have been tagged and shared by many....."Judging Eyes" and "Triggers; what they are and how to handle them" I am a survivor of over thirty years trapped inside the silence and brutality of Family Facilitated Violence, Torture, and Child Sex Trafficking. In Feb. 2011, I chose to publish the secrets and the horrors endured; the many levels of destruction and decay which the community around me witnessed, ignored, condemned and blamed regardless of the injuries and tortures endured. It all became the learned patterns of self-hatred and tolerance which was a huge factor in my adult life. Have you endured childhood harm, or endured terroristic types of abuses? Did you feel unworthy of life, breathing, love or respect? Did you feel as if no one ever really saw you, heard you, or seemed to care about the silent cruelties of your existence? It wasn't until I honestly began a strong focus on healing myself, which took years of researching credible data and published research surrounding the lasting effects of abuse, violence, sexual harm, and human trafficking that I began to understand who I was and why there were many traits and tragedies that influenced my adult choices, relationships, the chaos deep in my soul and the behaviors used to survive. It seemed to control everything inside me and it was filled with pain, and tragedy. The research became my rebuilding journey and my road to advocacy, creating legislative changes, sitting as an active member and providing testimony in the creation of area task force operations, victim/survivor services, trauma informed awareness for law enforcement, educators, social services, healthcare and community providers. I began that research of understanding myself in 2008, wrote the memoir "My Justice' in 2010, began working to change statutes in my home state in 2013, became a Certified DV Advocate and Panel Member of DV Offender Education Program in 2015, which then initiated a decade long career as a trusted, confidential advocate, and a highly skilled and knowledgeable speaker/educator on the topic of Assessment, Family/Survivor Rebuilding, Trauma Informed Care & Response, with the primary focus on family/relationship acts of terroristic abuses and/or human trafficking. Beginning in January 2010 there have been developed programs and connected resources for men, women, children, and families who endured these same types of tragedies. Unfortunately, our human society still has barriers to seek help or speak openly about these types of tragedies, especially if it happened in our homes and families. The laws to protect from such harms were enacted for children in 1963, as an amendment to the Social Security Act. Domestic Violence was not a topic until 1995, when then Senator Joe Biden introduced the Violence Against Women Act, which has since been adapted to provide shelters, counseling, protection orders, and rebuilding services for ALL persons regardless of gender or identity. Although slavery was brought to an end by the historical act of President Abraham Lincoln, we unfortunately have millions of human beings still being traded, sold, controlled and trapped in a hellish evil, which often begins by a parent or intimate partner. Legislation didn't arise regarding the term 'Human Trafficking' until the turn of the new millennium. Protection for victims of human trafficking was signed into law as the 'Trafficking In Persons Act of 2000', which with modern day social media it quickly became a new hot-topic point, which then sparked the creation of Trauma Informed Care, Rebuilding & Trauma Therapy, and thus adult survivors began speaking out about the dark terrifying reality of Child Sex Trafficking. Today many use the term, Modern Day Slavery, and we have multi-faceted task force operations and rescue resources working around the globe to end this new form of human slavery. We also have a few hundred thousand or more who are adult survivors of histories involving Parental Child Sex Trafficking. In one recent study from 2018, they found 85% of these victims were trafficked by parents in trade for drugs, family needs, or basic human survival. As I look back on the career that grew from my own personal need to understand the chaos in my head, the constant failed relationships and almost murderous acts committed against me; as I deal with increasing health problems that includes multiples of head and spinal cord traumas; the most important goal for me from day one of this extremely personal experience; the healing and rebuilding of my own children and grandchildren who were all continued generational victims of the trauma influenced behaviors and choices that resulted from the destruction enforced by my mother and stepfather many decades ago. The little girl, 'Trecia Ann', she survived pure evil as an entire community witnessed, shamed, blamed, and dismissed the visible decay and rot, stench and filth covered, battered and intoxicated body of a young girl who was publicly exploited and shared in the bars of that small town, in her home with boys she attended school with and adult men from the local coalmine. It was as if they all got a thrill from watching her respond to the ring of that little brass bell. They laughed, molested, raped, and purchased for a few bucks or a few beers the sexual use of that young girl right in full public view! Her mother held the power to stop it all, but rather enjoyed having a 'slave' to cook, clean, care for the family as well as entertain the sadistic alcoholic man she chose to marry. Today, I'm so honored and proud to have that little girl's spirit with me. It is through the use of my lived experience, along with a decade of research, and at least five certifications in prevention, response, and trauma; I've assisted a few hundred survivors through the multilevel process of rebuilding and reclaiming their voice, their safety, their freedom! I've trained law enforcement, healthcare, childrens service investigators, our school educators, and co-presented in trainings with some outstanding experts in the field. For the many I've assisted or empowered, they continue becoming thriving survivors, advocates, authors, speakers, and most important of all; they are healing their children and grandchildren! It is a truly beautiful experience and I am so amazed to have been a spark, a resource, or a friend in their life reclaiming freedom. The adult children of generations past have broken through the glass ceiling and finally there is a hint of change in the world. "A lifetime filled with daily torture, tragedy, and pain creates someone completely different than we should have been. We feel that person inside, but our lives are altered by the emotional and physical suffering. We cover it up and hide it deep inside through substance abuse, which falsely helps us believe we are doing fine. The extreme physical and emotional injuries leave our mental and physical selves terribly impacted. Thankfully there is more information and resources of help available today for all types of adverse or traumatic experiences. We have specialized therapeutic help and healthcare professionals developing new ways to identify and assist persons harmed or at risk of harm. We have so much more to do, so please help by having casual open conversations with your friends, family, coworkers, leaders, and especially our kids. Teach them early how to avoid both online and in person harms. Encourage adults and kids both to use the BDA Buddy Skills 2.0, which you will find through my list of assessments and prevention strategies. "My Justice' was written through my own beginning of acknowledging and releasing the personal destruction of the girl once known as 'Trecia Ann'. It is not an easy read, but it has opened many eyes about the reality of evil that occurs inside our homes, against those too small to protect themselves or understand what's happening. It was published to release the thick layers of trauma, sex trafficking, and disfiguring neglect. It is the voice of the enslaved child who existed only to answer the ring of 'his' bell, and the enforced burden to keep my own private terrorist alive. 'My Justice' is NOT SUGGESTED FOR ANYONE UNDER 16 years of age. It discusses the permanently wounding life and the cycle of destruction that held me in tolerating ridicule, control, and violence in my adult relationships. This truth was published to inspire others to take an in-depth look at their life and behaviors as a result of their past, in hopes they too will better understand their suffering today, the continued relationships with the parents and family who inflicted those harms, and finally breaking free from that pain so they can reclaim their voice and their true sense of freedom! We always have the opportunity to learn that we are worthy, capable, incredibly strong, compassionate, and filled with endless possibilities. It is a choice. It is a conscious decision to dig into our trauma, take ownership of our own failures, the harm our choices have caused, and the work we need to do to change it and succeed for ourselves and our families. It is such an honor to have 'My Justice' used at the collegiate level for psychology classes, upcoming therapists, and educators. Today my life is very blessed. I'm finally safe, feel truly loved, finally feeling the magic of life! Always choose to see your star and how it shines on others in your journey. My greatest power only began to show when I first made the choice to end the violent relationships and behaviors around my children; to give them something better, something SAFE!! In choosing to share my own story, I've also gone the serious extra step to educate myself through years of research, attending training opportunities, and collaborating with other advocate resources focused in human resilience and healing from abuse, sexual harm, and sex trafficking. Today there are experts digging deep to recreate help and healing. I've chosen to use my past as a way to inspire a greater good and; hopefully, somehow change the cycle of tragedy in our homes so that we empower our kids to live a more positive path. The best education we can give is healing our survivors of traumatic experiences so we understand what they felt then and what they wish they would have had available; those who could have and should have said something. We can change things for our life today, but best of all in healing our wounds, we give communities a supportive working strategy in assisting the people in our lives. One step at a time, one caring soul at a time, we can give them a path to changing our human society as a whole. This is a tell-all, which was written in the midst of my third nervous breakdown as I struggled to put all my distorted pieces back together, and help my children understand how the violence I tolerated against me invaded their well-being. My children have always been my world, but my behaviors, lack of healthy parenting and life skills, and an inability to remain stable have caused another generation of suffering for my grandchildren. This is a very difficult thing to watch and the continued tragedies that seem to keep affecting the choices in my family. Writing this book was only the beginning of trying to release all that has haunted me for so many years. I have finally removed his thick, cruel, coal-stained hand which trapped me in fear for decades. Those hands and his evil, her housemaid and caregiver; created a slave, and that slave submitted to horrific and brutal attacks but always felt it was her burden to bear. I lived with that hand holding me down, continually terrorizing and silencing, stealing my voice to protect their pure evil. Throughout decades the dysfunction caused by the chaos inside my head would affect every relationship, my children, and cast a shadow of darkness on everything good in my life. Living in the true spirit of freedom, I have now become a strong advocate against the life cycle of human destruction. If we want to control our life and achievements today, then we cannot live stuck in the tragedy of hardships and pain. Life is meant to be lived, to be enjoyed, to see what you can do and what you can achieve, to find out what is important to you. We all become adults. We all have a burden to bear. Stand up and keep moving, keep living, keep dreaming. You have two choices in recreating and rebuilding yourself. Do you stay stuck in the dark shadows of your past? Do you dig deep and find that spirit that kept you alive so that you can become the proud, strong, capable, resilient, kind human being? Which do you choose and how will that choice affect your children and theirs? We can be supportive, and provide resources and suggest help so that families suffering from addiction or past trauma can find a recovery balance to rebuild their family into a more positive life pattern. We will recover, we will rebuild, we will conquer the pains of yesterday to live in the true sense of life, freedom, and safety today. Patricia 'Trish' McKnight Author: 'My Justice' Fndr/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Alliance, NFP Mentor/Advocate/Speaker/Survivor

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