When facing your history is your worst fear

Survivors face many rebuilding roadblocks, one of these is facing our past. We’ve lived so long trying to bury and ignore what’s happened, that we feel facing the harms is more than we can handle. This is true for most of the survivors I’ve spoken with over the years.

Keep in mind that the term ‘Survivors’ in this discussion is those persons who have endured physical and/or sexual harm as children, but also those who have experienced dominance and fear so intense it included weapons threats or personal violations for teens and adults as well. Whether we are discussing acts from childhood or acts in adult relationships, this fear of actually verbalizing what happened can be the worst challenge you face because you are intentionally putting yourself in that memory. Most have endured the aftermath in the behavior of ignoring, moving on with their lives or simply refusing to deal with it at all. Unfortunately, this typically causes us to misuse substances from illicit drugs to alcohol in order to silence that fear. However, when you sober up or crash from your high that fear is still pounding inside.

This is where some of these suggestions might help:

If the fear you are carrying is causing distress enough that you have to be high or intoxicated, chances are it’s also affecting any sense of a healthy relationship so those closest to you will also be influenced by forcing yourself to live with the experiences.

Butterfly Dreams Alliance, NFP – highly recommends connecting with a therapist. In the past five years, our therapists/psychiatrists have become more informed about the Trauma Care client. While connecting with other survivors in online support groups is a very useful tool, perhaps this is not a service option for you or maybe you need a more one on one process to help you face the worst of those fears; helping you get a foundation started and ensure local resources in your area.

There is absolutely NO right or wrong process of rebuilding!! Everyone experiences things in a different way. We all have different tolerances of pain and fear so while one act might be quite traumatic for one person, it might be less impactful for someone else.

If you are a survivor of childhood physical or sexual harm, your emotional growth and life development are halted. There are behaviors, emotional responses, learning capabilities that are stunted because the sense of continuous fear rewires our frontal-lobe development which is our decision making, perception, and emotional control brain function. If all of this is not able to develop in a healthy pattern, we become stunted in these areas and it will affect almost every survivor far into adulthood; often until they allow themselves to face those harmful situations.

It’s important to understand you could do nothing to protect yourself then, but today you can not only defend yourself physically but emotionally as well. You can decide when you think about these situations and how you react when you do. You can control when you express suppressed emotions and how this causes reactions to others around you. You can face the fear because if you are in a safe environment today, then the harm is only a memory. It cannot hurt you. It will allow that child who couldn’t scream, cry, fight back or run back then to do all of those things today. You will begin to see your child self as an incredible hero for helping you stay alive to build and live the life you want today. You will feel empowered as you face these fears one by one. Don’t rush through because it will overwhelm you and can cause your reactions to become harmful or erratic towards others or yourself.

If you are an adult there are going to be some differences in your recovery. You have built life experiences and knowledge. However, if from an adverse childhood these may not be healthy experiences so your depression, anxiety, defenses and parenting is different from those with healthy, strong, positive upbringing. Many adults who’ve experienced childhood harm learn to build up a resilience to these violent or hurtful acts. You can tolerate more or might even believe, there is nothing this person can do that is worse than what you’ve gone through already. DO NOT DISMISS THE DEEP FEAR THAT EXISTS EVEN IF YOU COME FROM THE BEST ENVIRONMENT.

An adult’s sense of guilt and shame is different because you had options. They were probably not good options, but they were there. Anyone can become a victim of adult violence or sexual harm. It is not about anything you have done to cause these acts, but rather it’s the choice of the person who is causing this suffering to act against you in these hurtful ways. If it is typical domestic violence, which involves financial, emotional, sexual, physical and life-threatening control; perhaps you if you hadn’t done this or done this better they would not hurt you, so you keep trying. You may feel guilty about how it is affecting your children, even if they’re not in the home at the time. They come home or see you again; someone’s crying, someone’s hurt, someone’s angry. They feel this and absorb it as something they did that caused it to happen.

In facing your fears it is learning how to look at the real options you had at that time. Did family or friends support you or offer to help you? Was there any service that would have helped you get on your feet and keep your children? Could you have provided a home, food, and necessities for yourself and them without that other person? Could you really walk away and start your life over, maybe with absolutely nothing but the clothes on your back? It’s important to understand how and why people stay in harmful, dominating, controlling situations and then forgive yourself because you probably made the best choice you could at that time in the given options you had.

Regardless if you are a childhood survivor, an adult survivor, a survivor of human trafficking and captivity; the best you can do is get safe and start working towards your own rebuilding. It is not about how others feel you should do this or that, it’s about you and what you need to process so that you can live the life you deserve. The most important part is for you to truly feel like you are in a safe place in your life. Many postpone for years, some decades until we have a steady income, our kids are grown, we have a home, or are in a stable loving relationship before they can even think about what’s happened. This is why most childhood survivors don’t reveal anything happened until their mid 30’s or older. It takes time and you have to be ready because life challenges will cause distractions which will halt your progress.

Butterfly Dreams Alliance, NFP is a survivor recovery and rebuilding resource and we are very happy to be of help. We are just ONE of the thousands across the country, so our best advice is to be cautious because it is YOUR recovery. You have to use whatever method or many methods best suit you. You may need various tools from various resources, and coping strategies that will help you face your worst fears then conquer over it. The focus is strictly on your getting better, getting healthier, preventing future harm, and helping your children deal with any problems they may be struggling with because of either harm to them or harm inside their environment.

We are starting a collaboration with the National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, (NAASCA). You will see more on our developing ‘Survivors World’ Zoom Meetings. The NAASCA website is primarily for adult survivors. They can connect you with other survivors across the country and around the world. Their leading survivors are strong advocates and peers who have gone through or are still going through their recovery, so it’s one of many great support systems. Remember that a qualified, trusted therapist is also important, especially if you are trying to face some really extreme fears. No one can tell you how bad your fear, anger, sadness is because only you have endured the experience.

You will see below some tools which I found useful in my ten focused years of rebuilding. Many of these tools I still use today, because this is a long journey. Many of us find that fear and darkness, difficulty concentrating, or completing small tasks are a continuing challenge. This is something that has helped me understand my tolerances, the rewiring of my perceptions and acceptable “normal” pattern of life. It’s helped me help many others, so I do hope it will help those reading this blog.

recovery steps

When you choose it’s time to face your worst fears, focus on all that is positive in your life. Keep in mind that the simplest of safety, shelter, food, employment, healthcare; all of this is positive because you are making it happen for you.

Your dreams matter!! Your wellness matters!! YOU MATTER!!

Thanks for reading

‘Trish’ McKnight

Advocate/Survivor

Published by @ButterflyTrish

I am a survivor of over thirty years trapped inside the silence and brutality of Family Crimes, Child Sex Trafficking, and a life lived pattern of tolerance for over 30 years in almost murderous relationships. In Feb. 2011 I chose to publish the truth about what happened in our home, the community around me, and the learned patterns of self-hatred and tolerance which became such a huge factor in my life. My life today was built through publishing 'My Justice'. I never would felt worthy of life, breathing, love & respect with first healing myself. There were many things the traits and tragedies that influenced my life seemed to control everything inside me and it was nothing but sadness and fake emotions. Only by facing the horrors I went through, the choices I made as a woman & mother, then relating to the greatest guilt I have; how the trauma behavior has affected my children's lives. It's my hope to help others get through their battles, regardless of the type of trauma because when we hurt our lives are forever changed. This graphic, violent memoir is NOT SUGGESTED FOR ANYONE UNDER 14 years of age. It discusses the permanently wounding life and the cycle of destruction that held me in expecting/tolerating ridicule and violence in my adult relationships. This truth was published to inspire others to take an in-depth look at their life and behaviors as a result of their past. Connect the dots of your rebuilding in understanding the pattern of adult choices in coping addictions, parenting, and partners; even affecting our careers and self-sustainable life. I'm so honored to have 'My Justice' used at the collegiate level for psychology classes, upcoming therapists and educators. Today my life is very blessed. I'm finally safe, finally truly loved, finally feeling the magic of what life is supposed to be like. My greatest power only began to show when I first made the choice to end the violent relationships and behaviors around my children; to give them something better, something SAFE!! In choosing to share my own story, I've also gone that serious extra step to educate myself through years of research, attending training opportunity, and collaborating with other advocate resources, abuse, sexual harm, and the experts digging deep to recreate help and healing. I've chosen to use my past as a way to inspire a greater good; hopefully somehow change the cycle of tragedy in our homes so that we empower our kids to live a more positive path. The best education we can give, is a survivor of traumatic experiences who can use what they felt then and what they wish they would have had available; those who could have and should have said something. We can change things for our life today, but best of all in healing our wounds, we give communities a supportive working strategy in assisting the people in our lives. One step at a time, one caring soul at a time, we can give them a path to changing our human society as a whole. This is a tell all, which was written in the midst of my third nervous breakdown as I struggled to put all my distorted pieces back together, help my children understand how the violence I tolerated against me invaded their emotional well-being. My children have always been my world, but my behaviors, lack of healthy parenting and life skills, and an inability to remain stable has caused another generation of suffering for my grandchildren. This is a very difficult thing to watch and the continued tragedies that seem to keep affecting the choices in my family. Writing this book was only the beginning of trying to release all that has haunted me for so many years. I have finally removed his thick, cruel, coal stained hand which trapped me in fear for decades. Those hands and his evil, her housemaid and caregiver; they created a slave and that slave submitted to horrific and brutal attacks but always felt it was her burden to bare. I lived with that hand holding me down to terrorize and steal away my voice, holding me captive in the dysfunction of the aftermath and casting a shadow of darkness on everything good in my life. Living in the true spirit of freedom, I have now become a strong advocate against the life cycle of human destruction. We cannot live stuck in the tragedy of hardships and pain. Life is meant to be lived, to be enjoyed, to see what you can do and what you can achieve, to find out what is important to you. We all become adults. We all have a burden to bare. Stand up and keep moving, keep living, keep dreaming. You have two choices in recreating and rebuilding yourself. Do you stay stuck in the dark shadows of your past? Do you dig deep and find that spirit that kept you alive so that you could become the proud, strong, capable, resilient, kind human being ? Which do you choose and how will that choice affect your children and theirs? We can be supportive, provide resources and suggestions for help so that families suffering with addiction or past trauma themselves can find a recovery balance to rebuild their family in a more positive life pattern. We will recover, we will rebuild, we will conquer the pains of yesterday to live in the true sense of life, freedom and safety today. Patricia 'Trish' McKnight Author: 'My Justice' Fndr/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Alliance, NFP Mentor/Advocate/Speaker/Survivor

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