Who I am today

 

miracles-happen  “I’m not feeling sorry for myself, so please don’t pity me, it really just makes the situation worse. What I need is to know that something I say or do or write will help you support someone whose been harmed, as well as prevent or intervene when something happens in your circle today.”

Over the past ten years I’ve been on a reality mission to figure out who I am, without focusing on what has been done to influence my past beliefs and behaviors. Learning about the aftermath of my personal war and the influence I have left on those I treasure most. This is not an easy process and one which comes and goes in different situations and challenges as I get stronger and learn more about myself and the actions of others; all resulting in who I am today.

My idea of self appreciation and self worth was never developed because I was put in my place, and lived in the example of who THEY thought I was or the value I carried as a person. Tragically, just in America, we have 3.7+ Million children still living in those same types of environments today. Even worse is that myself and millions of others know exactly who that child might become tomorrow, especially if they are not given help or have at least one positive person who gives them something more to believe in and seek to achieve a greater good.

My stepfather, Malcolm White, was truly walking evil; to me he was and always will be the devil himself. In fact, he used to quote; ‘Heaven doesn’t want me and the Devil is afraid I’ll take over’. I knew in my heart that he would definitely kick the Devil’s ass and de-throne him without an ounce of effort. However ridiculous as it might sound, I am still afraid of his ghost some six years or more after his death. I can still feel him lurking around like an animal after his most favorite prey. I can’t sleep for more than three or four hours at any one time, then suddenly I’m shocked awake and for a split second I’m still in harms way, even though I truly am not.

For Malcolm, the violent molesting attacks that began before he married my mother was not enough. His appetite for cruelty and deviate influence progressed to the point I became HIS PROPERTY; my mother, Mona, stepped aside and did absolutely nothing to help me or care for me ever again. I was told to shut up and stop whining. I still hear this from my siblings today on the rare occasion I speak to them at all. For me the only family I had died in March 1989 and I still mourn his death today. I just stopped by his grave last week and thanked him for helping as much as he could. He was just a boy, a boy who willingly lived in our home until he was 22yrs old; but he was a boy who stepped in front of Malcolm’s rage more than once and he stepped in front of the loaded weapons pointed at my head. He would have taken that bullet rather than see me be harmed. For John, I will never have the chance to repay what he did for me, which was the best that had happened until I was 40 yrs old.

Malcolm influenced my sexual behavior with other boys and men within the community of Freeburg beginning around age 11, when he first arranged a special party with a case of beer and about five neighborhood boys who hung with my brother. I was instructed on who to invite, how to dress, and what to encourage and allow these boys to do with me. It is the most shameful and disgusting memory that I carry. I attended school with these boys. I saw them hanging in the park everyday, and I would party with them being my ‘friends’ for the next five years.

It was just a few weeks later he took me to JB Tavern, just two blocks from our house, where my mother worked and all the coalminers hung out. I was fed double shots of vodka with orange juice, so many that I puked the entire evening and next day. We were there for about two hours when Dave and a crew of miners came in to shoot pool and toss back a few beers. I was given a dollar for the jukebox and instructed on how to ‘shake my ass’ as I played the music. I was asked to pick out the cutest guy, and then taken to his table and offered out for a trip out back or in the car; all it would cost is a couple of beers. This was my value if I had any at all, and when he looked at Malcolm and said; ‘She’s just a kid’, I was taken to the car and beaten for being so ugly no one would ever want anything to do with me at all. ‘I was lucky they wanted to ‘f***’ me’. This was who I became and just part of how I was used until I finally escaped, running to move in with the first guy who asked; a guy from thirty miles away who didn’t know anything about me or my family history. I just needed to get away before I either killed Malcolm or he killed me.

At that time I was 17yrs old; he was going to purchase a mobile home and put me on a plat of ground where he would have his own special key to come over anytime and bring whomever he wished. I didn’t care who helped me get away and I certainly didn’t take time to evaluate who he was or how he treated me. As a result of my inability to realize the inner cruelty he had, the following two years would be almost deadly on a weekly basis.

In the influence of my parents, I became the perfect lifetime victim. It didn’t take much kindness for me to open my legs and my heart; for me to seek their approval regardless of the cost, so long as I felt they wanted me. My behaviors became coping strategies. I was fed a case a beer before I turned 10 years old. It was the way Malcolm reduced my rejections or put me in a manipulating and controllable condition. I was given my first joint before I was 12 and to say the least, this is what I depended on to numb the loss and disgust that I couldn’t escape. Lance was the first to give me cocaine, and I even did a few small hits of acid; but it definitely was not for me and the cocaine was too expensive, so my constant state of being was either drinking or high, or both until I got pregnant and left the country. It was a blessing to be removed from all that surrounded me, but the man I married was not the same man I lived with over there. This man had me in the perfect place; I couldn’t escape and had no one around to talk with or convince me that I wasn’t as low a piece of crap as he insisted I was. Our society wasn’t even discussing the acts of child abuse or family violence back then and I definitely didn’t know anything other than what I had been so well trained to accept; it was my ‘normal’.

From 20 to 40 there was a handful of failed and cruel relationships, some more violent and destructive than others, but each a reflection of the only thing I knew. I fought constantly trying to absorb all of the bad so that my kids would never know that type of pain; however, I didn’t realize just how the chaos was affecting them and the example of womanhood I was giving my daughters. Imagine seeing your mom be beaten to a pulp while you’re sitting at the kitchen table waiting for her to come eat dinner with you. Suddenly the perfect plate of food she delivered to him goes flying across the room, and because she wasn’t going to sit on the couch with him, she was thrown, kicked, punched and slammed against walls, the stove, the sink and the door. Finally the fighting stops and she comes into the table, trying to calm your little sister and get everyone to eat as if nothing happened. Imagine the confusion and human value your children learn in our examples of tolerance. How do you think they will grow to see the world and what value they will hold precious about themselves? What will their children learn and how will they behave in school or in the teenage social situations as they develop?

This is our human conditioning and it leaves an ugly mark on all those affected. It distorts our value of ourselves and how we treat others. Some might become extreme protectors and put the needs of others higher than the needs of themselves and their happiness. Some might become lost in drugs, alcohol, or even deviate attacks on others. Some of those like me get so lost they can’t get out and are emotionally wounded forever; these are those prone to submissive and self harming behavior, that which commonly ends in suicide or overdose ending in death. They can’t hold productive steady employment and have chronic health conditions which studies are finding are actually early onset conditions that first show up as Juvenile Fibromyalgia or Early Post Traumatic Stress; conditions that hold trigger reactions before the person is old enough to realize the effect at all. The overall economic cost to society, becomes the taxpayers burden because of these invading health and emotional conditions that cause a reduction or inability to sustain in self supportive life development. Most have difficulty in learning skills or the development of healthy, productive life skills. After all when did they have time to concentrate on homework or study for that big test?

Personally, I’ve got so many injuries and health problems my body and my daily life are a mess. The cost of my constant healthcare in pain management, medications, various procedures, circulatory and pulmonary progressive diseases; I’ve been on disability since 2007. I would have to say that the worst of my conditions today is the permanent spinal cord trauma which has caused elongated cystic sacs to grow inside of my central canal, a condition called Syringomyelia. This alone causes wide spread severe pain, but add in the intense Fibro & Head Trauma and you’ve got a disastrous mess. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, so please don’t pity me, it really just makes the situation worse. What I need is to know that something I say or do or write will help you support someone whose been harmed, as well as prevent or intervene when something happens in your circle today.

Victims and Survivors need to know that their suffering and their voice matters to someone; that someone cares enough to help heal the wounds and make us stronger so that we can provide a better life for ourselves and more importantly our children. We need the law changes to prosecute these types of repeat heinous offenders. For most of us, we will never be given a chance at justice, because the laws of our past allow absolute minimum time to report or press charges; in Illinois these offense statutes allow only ONE YEAR after victim’s 18th birthday. Hell, I didn’t even know what the word trafficking was and definitely feared this couple so much, along with the condemnation of those around me; my life was something so destructive and disgusting I couldn’t tell anyone what happened to me at all until I was around 35 years old. Some knew that my childhood wasn’t pleasant, but no one, including myself, really knew just how evil and tragic it was.

We are NOT our parents, and we do NOT have to live in the sorrow, pain, and pattern of harm or victim they taught us. We have a choice today and we can actually use the strength of amazing survivors who are finally able to discuss what’s happened; use their courage to speak up as a precious gift. This is a strength beyond measure they cling to and can use, not just to help themselves, but to influence how we help and how we can truly save the life of someone else today. You can be the one to step in and take the bullet; you can stop the bleeding and help stitch up the wounds of our kids lost in the pattern of destruction, crime, drugs, and harm they are trying to survive today. Please don’t sit on the sidelines and judge what that person should or shouldn’t do, because until that same personal violation is against you, then you can never know how it feels or the damage it causes. You may be stronger than they are and bounce back with no problem, but you may watch someone else slowly disintegrate so horribly that it becomes their own extinction.

Today I use my past, all of it; my behaviors and my pain, my bad choices and the influence I’ve seen continue in my children and grand children’s lives; I use all of this hoping that somehow I can help empower one other survivor to believe they absolutely matter. Hoping that I can inspire one victim to get help for themselves and their family. Hoping that I can change the offensive behavior of someone who has been harmed, but reacts and attacks others in their pain. We DO NOT have to harm others or devalue ourselves, because on this amazing planet; every life and every breath taken truly matters and we all have the power to do something about it.

Be a Hope-Line & save a life

Thank you for reading & I do hope you’ll share

Love for all,

‘Trish’

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Author: ‘My Justice’     mj-2

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62  

Promo 07.17.2016

Head Trauma; Disability from Violence

Many times in a person’s life they may come across another person who is violent to the extreme. Sadly they end up with ongoing physical, maybe neurological, difficulties with their health from that moment in time. Reading this might cause some triggering, ‘bad emotional response; anger, anxiety, sadness, pain). However I do feel that what I’m discussing here is more critical for you to know than to ignore because of possible negative response. Please do take the time to read, share, respond. This is our ongoing multitude of issues revolving around our history of tolerating personal violence inside our homes, which simply ‘trains’ our children to tolerate this in their life, affecting their children, who then accept their own level of suffering in their life, which then affects their children and so on, etc……..

Our topic of Head Trauma from Violence can be viewed as the same information provided for the football players in repeated concussions. The biggest difference, the football player has a helmet and body pads. Inside a home of violence however, you never know when things might go extreme and if you are a child, to have a person twice your size and maybe 3x your weight; the end result can most definitely be death or lingering physical or neurological issues from the trauma.

We, our ‘decent’ human society, often feels as if this subject matter is being discussed to either get pity for things they have already survived or climbed above, or it is considered to be ‘Too Intense’ for common conversation. How about the fact that most of us know someone who is being violently or sexually attacked on a regular basis, or at least once in their lifetime anyway. The length of time a person endures these traumatic experiences depends on a few specifics;

    • How old are they? – Do they have the ability of age to speak up, get help, drive a car; get away, or work to support themselves?
    • What is their level of tolerance learned? – How long have they been living in this pattern of accepting violence?
    • What is their perception of self? Do they feel they deserve this type of treatment? Do they believe they can survive to pay their own way through life without someone who hurts them verbally/physically/sexually?
    • Do they have a close friend to talk to or who will get them help when needed; hopefully medical help and a police report?

This constant level of extreme violence, which quite often involves threats with weapons, use of weapons, threats of death or sudden violent attacks without cause of anger. This happens more often when people on are heavy types of illicit drugs such as Meth or even heavy drinking. I personally know a lot of people who are affected by drinking Whiskey or Tequila. Drinking, rather it is wine or whiskey is a very common act which happens in almost every household. This is something our kids learn as social behavior and many of them in our inner city or urban areas see drastic levels of drug or alcohol use on a regular basis. This is not to leave out our rural or rich society, because it most definitely is a staple of coping life in their homes as well.

Since I’ve worked much of my life as a bartender, (an excellent backup skill to always have an income); also I grew up in an alcoholic and drug enticing environment; I’ve seen people under the influence on different levels of drinking or illicit drugs. In this type of human acceptance of drinking and the BAR environment; I’ve seen first hand how alcohol has the greatest negative response for many people. They are trying to cope with the struggles of their life, maybe past trauma, but instead of finding a peaceful place they find an angry place. This will cause many family arguments, many of those simply because someone was in eyesight so they end up getting attacked. Violence is an instant reaction caused by someone who has reached their angry place inside. The choice to act against another person can be triggered by conversation, being in a difficult environment, around people they feel are a threat to their identity, or from the chemical reaction of the alcohol itself. 

The violence usually begins on a verbal foundation, suddenly a rage in the person’s reactions; slamming a fist on the table or couch, stomping their foot, throwing an item, or suddenly grabbing the person who is closest to them. The violence can quickly become intensely dangerous, which results in kicking, punching, strangulation, or by slamming the person’s head against a solid surface. This is when it becomes most life threatening and could cause a lasting trauma within the brain itself from possible bruising on the brain, just like what happens in the concussion injury of our major NFL Players or the controversial high school football when they begin to get more physically developed to cause an injury.

Myself, I lost count of how many times I was actually knocked out or had my head bashed against a solid surface in a violent attack. I’ve been slammed repeatedly against dashboards, windows, mirrors, stoves, refrigerators, doors, walls, even a huge tree slab that was meant to be a table top about eight inches thick. There was NEVER any type of medical follow up to confirm a concussion, especially during my childhood. No way could my parents risk taking me to the doctor and having my leather strap lashes and bashed up head examined; the state would have taken their family slave immediately. This is why most people in a violent home rarely receive the necessary medical treatment. I’ve had cracked or broken ribs, couldn’t move or breathe well for weeks. I’ve had both collar bones broken at the end from having my shoulder area smashed against a wall or stomped on while being kicked in the head.

Today, in my mid 50’s, there are a lot of chronic pain issues from injuries. There is also the Fibromyalgia from living in a constantly high stress environment. Our medical community have confirmed that Fibromyalgia ‘can be directly connected to the Fight or Flight Response’. Our human system is designed to enhance our adrenaline and heightened response to threat. However, if you cannot change your situation and cannot avoid being harmed, your body’s reaction to stress becomes confused. Your nerve endings go into an intense reaction from the heightened response, yet you are physically not able to do anything to get away; this causes a ‘trained’ intense neurological response to any sense of ‘threat’ and becomes a cramping, burning and intense pain in the upper body, pressure builds up in your forearms and calves, then shoots down into your fingers and feet as if they are on fire. I’ve found that Lyrica is the best medication for this type of pain, but Coping Skills must be used to calm your intense reaction so that your body & adrenaline response also calm, which then loosens the muscle contraction and burning sensation. Fibromyalgia is commonly found in those with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It is also found more in women, but I believe that men have not yet been fully examined in this research as they are just beginning to seek out help when in a violent relationship. Fibromyalgia is also found in those who have been in a threatening situation for a long period of time.

These are just a few lasting injuries from violent trauma, which are directly linked to possible ongoing disabling and chronic results which impact our nation’s healthcare system. Since many of us are harmed as children, we tend to accept a certain level of violent (verbal, physical, sexual) depending on what you lived through during your formidable years. It’s important to consider the types of influence on our growing deficit as well. The cost of those who cannot work for their independent survival income, either because of physical or emotional injury from violence and abusive actions; these millions of persons become a national responsibility, which we all know is already crippled, bankrupt, and out of control.

However, if we are trained to spot the WARNING SIGNS OF TRAUMA & VIOLENCE, as given from many reputable organizations who are experts on these traumas. I have also developed a presentation which connects all factors of violence, sexual trauma, and the result of what can become human trafficking or exploitation. A View from the Inside’ is available for viewing but is copyright research which has taken about three years to put together in the total connection of what can become the most dangerous place in the world; the connection of ‘Family Violence & Human Trafficking’. This is a crucial topic in our society and should be a priority topic for all of our elected officials and our service providers, regardless if you are a neighbor, family member, educator, law enforcement, or healthcare professional. You NEED to know what are those unspoken signs of trauma?

According to this attached article & graphic from American Academy of Physical Medicine & Rehabilitation, there is a very strong correlation between Adverse Childhood Experience, especially in those who score between a 4 to 8 on the counted scale of what you endured. The higher your score on the ACE Study creates a 95% greater risk of early disability, which can become a complete dependency on Social Security Income & Medicare/Medicaid for ongoing health related challenges.

In closing, think of Shaken Baby Syndrome, if we consider how detrimental to natural development is interrupted by shaking a baby, causing their brain to bounce off the skull, then what is also the cognitive and lasting affect after concussion or bashing a teen or adult head repeatedly for an extended period of time? This is something I am researching now as I focus on the growing impact of violence in our society, especially in family violence with rarely any type of medical attention received. Most of the injuries go unreported as a whole, and the victims are taught to ‘simply walk it off’ type of conditioning to tolerance. We cannot end the travesty in our society of street violence or school violence, until we tackle the growing pandemic of ‘Family Related Violence & Trauma’.

Thanks for reading and I do hope you will help share this crucial information. When we can provide needed medical help, we reduce the possibility of permanent injury and in the end also reduce the high risk of injury and early disabling conditions.

Something to think about…..

Patricia “Trish’’ McKnight

CSA Survivor Force Regional Spokesperson

Family Violence & Child Sexual Trauma Specialist

Cert Human Trafficking Trainer 2013

IL Cert DV Support Advocate 2012

Panel Member DV Offender Education Reform Program

Assisting victims & families since Nov 2010

 

 

Ref:

1) National Institute of Health, Pain Treatment Research, Article 2011; 2012 Manuel Martinez-Lavin

2) Copyright © 2014 American Academy of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation. Published by Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. PMID:24486921 [PubMed – indexed for MEDLINE] PMCID:PMC4306581

3) Types of Abuses & Warning Signs: Patricia A McKnight, Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery (Child Abuse Warning Signs & Relationship Violence Red Flags) Pub 2012 ©

4) ‘A View from the Inside – Family Crimes & Human Trafficking’ © Patricia A McKnight 2015

Begin the Human Recovery….

Attention Please!!

Re: CSA Survivors

The history of Family Offenders, Grievous Permanent Injury & Sex Crimes Against Children, Understanding Family & Trauma Dynamics

Public Plea for our Media Journalists & Advocacy Organizations;

You hold the answer to everything!!!

In your journalistic program you share knowledge with the world, not just in our local area. It is your team that puts information out there, and lately we are hearing more about the predators of Crimes Against Children. You inform the neighborhoods of new predators to watch out for, those arrested or help our legal system find the possible victims of these predators. You also keep society on it’s toes about the growing gang violence, street crime, home invasions, drug overdoses, domestic shootings and homicides, as well as details concerning the very alarming rates of Mental Health & Chronic Pain Management on our already broken healthcare system..

Some huge Illinois changes. The Criminal Committee passed, with full support; HB 1127, 1128, 1129 each covering the Statute of Limitations for Sex Crimes Against Children!!! Now I am personally pushing Illinois Legislators & our Nation’s Federal Policy Division to address the problematic system when Child Trafficking is connected to a relative or direct person of care/guardian.

What if I told you that I have absolute proof of how all of these are connected to trauma in our childhood, especially trauma affect related to Child Sexual Abuse/Assault/Trafficking?

Here are a few details which I’ve personally spent five years researching to confirm every detail.

Centers for Disease/Child Maltreatment

Data from the most recent National Survey of Adolescents and other studies indicate that one in four children and adolescents in the United States experiences at least one potentially traumatic event before the age of 16, and more than 13% of 17-year-olds—one in eight—have experienced posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) at some point in their lives

National Child Traumatic Stress Network/Traumatic Stress and Substance Abuse

In the National Survey of Adolescents, teens who had experienced physical or sexual abuse/assault were three times more likely to report past or current substance abuse than those without a history of trauma3 n In surveys of adolescents receiving treatment for substance abuse, more than 70% of patients had a history of trauma exposure. This correlation is particularly strong for adolescents with PTSD. Studies indicate that up to 59% of young people with PTSD subsequently develop substance abuse problems.

Several studies have found that substance use developed following trauma exposure (25%–76%) or the onset of PTSD (14%–59%) in a high proportion of teens with substance abuse disorders. Recent research in this area also suggests that traumatic stress or PTSD may make it more difficult for adolescents to stop using, as exposure to reminders of the traumatic event have been shown to increase drug cravings in people with co-occurring trauma and substance abuse.

Child Welfare/Maltreatment and Brain Development

The structural and neurochemical damage caused by maltreatment can create deficits in all areas of executive functioning, even at an early age (Hostinar, Stellern, Schaefer, Carlson, & Gunnar, 2012; National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, 2011). Executive functioning skills help people achieve academic and career success, bolster social interactions, and assist in everyday activities. The brain alterations caused by a toxic stress response can result in lower academic achievement, intellectual impairment, decreased IQ, and weakened ability to maintain attention (Wilson, 2011).

An underdeveloped cortex can lead to increased impulsive behavior, as well as difficulties with tasks that require higher-level thinking and feeling. These teens may show delays in school and in social skills as well (Chamberlain, 2009

They may be more drawn to taking risks, and they may have more opportunities to experiment with drugs and crime if they live in environments that put them at increased risk for these behaviors. Maltreatment as a younger child can have longitudinal negative effects on brain development during adolescence. Adolescents with a history of childhood maltreatment can have decreased levels of growth in the hippocampus and amygdala compared to nonmaltreated adolescents (Whittle et al., 2013).

In the FFY 2011, Dept of Health & Human Services/Children’s Bureau; I researched the 237 page report to determine the crucial factors that we needed to know in our statistics concerning the reporting & confirming of child maltreatment in the United States. It took three months of day and night connecting the crucial demographics which directly impacted the lives of our children. I have published this now 5 page specific report along with an Excel Sheet for exact demographics in each state.

Here is the critical information we can absolutely prove as it is provided in the official report publications.

https://survivorsjustice.com/child-maltreatment-report-ffy-2011/

FFY 2011, ended in a GRAND TOTAL OF 3,734,012 Child Maltreatment calls to CPS and Alternative Response reporting systems. A total of 2,360,614 were written off as either Unsubstantiated, Closed with no finding, No need for further investigation.

***Total Child Population Reported = 74,830,766

***Total Number of Calls to CPS Services = 3,734,012

  • Substantiated = 687,817  = 18.5%
  • Unsubstantiated = 2,360,634 = 58.9%
  • Boys are 48.6% – Girls are 51.1%
  • 1 in every 9.5 girls & 1 in every 8.5 boys are the victim of maltreatment.
  • More than 75 percent (78.5%) suffered neglect
  • More than 15 percent ( 17.6%) suffered physical abuse
  • Less than 10 percent (9.1%) suffered sexual abuse

As of this published report via Children’s Bureau; 1 in every 9 children are the victim of some form of maltreatment. Apply the Congressional Statement of 2012 in addressing Adult Sexual Assault on Campus & Military (adults who had control over reporting);

Congress released; ‘For every ONE report that is made, at least SIX others are not.’

When using the confirmed counts of 1 in 9 children being sexually abused, apply the six reports never made, we can reasonably estimate 1 in 3 children being sexually abused!!

How poverty is connected, although these heinous acts cross all demographics, there are some environments which have a more devastating influence on the lived & learned behavioral patterns of teens and adults.

http://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/publications/2015/demo/p60-252.pdf

In 2014, the official poverty rate was 14.8 percent. There were 46.7 million people in poverty. Neither the poverty rate nor the number of people in poverty were statistically different from the 2013 estimates

During the 4-year period from 2009 to 2012, 34.5 percent of the population had at least one spell of poverty lasting 2 or more months. The poverty stressor within the family unit or home, can influence addictive or raging behaviors, it can fuel the fire so to speak for more deviate or grievous actions.

It is a well known fact by many World & National Anti Human Trafficking organizations, the economic & family stressors, an abusive parent or a guardian with pedophile tendencies; these are all factors for children at risk of forced sexual encounters with other persons or adults. At least 1 in 10 children, those who live in these high risk environments, are at a much higher risk of being sold or shared, exploited for money, food, shelter, or simple control of the child.

In closing this hopeful reach for your help to educate our society about these facts, there is one more truth that is crucial to connect – the connection to Prostitution.

The average age a child is trafficked into the commercial sex trade industry is between 11 and 14 years old. National Center for Missing and Exploited Children estimates that one of every seven endangered runaways reported to the Center are likely victims of minor sex trafficking. And, from 2004 through 2008, the Internet Crimes Against Children Task Forces have experienced an increase of more than 900 percent in the number of child victims of prostitution.

The National Human Trafficking Resource Center confirms at least 70% of Adult Prostitutes report Childhood Sexual Abuse. The early influence that it is just our bodies, it is just for sexual pleasure; this takes away from the true inner value of that human being and sets a negative life path that will be continuously challenging, even relating to later life chronic health conditions as a result of high stress environment.

On average our National Funding Provides the following in the lifetime recovery & prevention estimates:

$124 Billion every year in the recovery of child abuse

$    8.3 Billion every year in the recovery of domestic violence

$       120 Million every year spent in Anti Trafficking measures

Gross estimate = $ 132,420,000,000.00

Our United States Taxpayers are covering the ongoing cost, and multiple growing deficits in supplying rescue, recovery, life skills, and prevention of our own learned destructive human behaviors. Think of lifelong medical & mental health problems, inability to maintain steady employment, and the cost of providing drugs or alcohol in their addictions, the cost of crime rates and incarceration. It is a never ending dollar amount that only our change in tolerance and teaching appropriate behavior and connections in social settings that will change any of this human destruction.

It is time we get a public interview and constant discussion with our political representatives about just how important this topic is for our Human Recovery as a whole and rebuilding our families in a more supportive and assistive circle between community, schools, healthcare, law enforcement, and our judicial system in Child Protective Services.

Please contact me so that we can discuss any opportunities that your special talents can help us unite across the country and around the world.

Respectfully,

Patricia A McKnight

Email: p.mcknight@charter.net

CSA Survivor Force Regional Spokesperson

Child Abuse & Child Sexual Assault Expert

Cert Human Trafficking 101 Trainer

Cert IL DV & CA Support Advocate

Family Crimes Act – Trecia’s Law

Creator: ‘A View from the Inside – Connecting Family Crimes & Human Trafficking’   A View from the Inside

Facebook.com/triciagirl62

www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamstalkradio

To change our world we have to heal our past……

 

Have you noticed the multitude of Adult Survivors of Child Sex Crimes who are sharing their collective voices across the United States? Actually if you really notice it’s happening in every country around the world; filling the internet and becoming part of the norm? I must say myself and every other adult survivor never thought we would be able to break our silence, release the ugly secrets, and have our voices matter. It’s outstanding the pendulum swing and it’s about damn time we take a real hard look at what has been tolerated inside our families throughout our human history.

Often inside our homes is now or can become the most dangerous place in the world!!!

National Institute of Mental Health estimates 4.2% of Adult Americans with Serious Mental Illness (SMI)

 

Why the NIMH Data?

What do we absolutely know about Trauma and our Brain; Emotional Response vs Learned Behavioral Patterns?

Let me make clear that I am in no way a licensed or specially trained psychology expert on any level. However, what I can say is:

  • I lived in a tumultuously dangerous environment for 40 years
  • I have worked through my 3rd nervous breakdown and have been a continuous work in progress for six straight years
  • It has taken days upon days of research to be prepared & provide actual confirmed information in hopes of assisting others like myself. In producing/hosting more than 200 online talk radio programs concerning different levels of this topic; our mental health, physical health, and even family health seriously impacted, which then effects our communities, crime, drugs, alcohol, gang and school violence, bullying, work place violence and societal abuses that plagues America’s most vital Freedom; our justice system.
  • I have attended trainings provided by local & Illinois State organizations to provide my certifications in Domestic & Family Violence Assistance and Prevention received by Violence Prevention Center of SW IL in June 2013. Also certification in Human Trafficking 101 which was provided by Rescue & Restore Coalition of East St. Louis in March 2014.
  • To provide assured information in the website and support provided by Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery. Links and research has been appropriately provided in it’s development and updates since September 2012; along with the honor to share the creative watercolor art by Advocate/Friend/Survivor Michal Madison. www.michalmadisonart.com
  • In my attended trainings throughout 2013 & 2014 this included Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention; Child Abuse Awareness & Prevention; Elder Abuse Awareness & Prevention; Bullying Awareness & Prevention; Mental Health Support Awareness
  • I have dedicated my focus and my drive to be part of this major force and end the stigma related to being abused; either in severe neglect, psychological, physical, sexual, and/or living with a constant fear in Family Violence.

It is factual to quote an FBI Victim’s Specialist in stating;

‘You are indeed an EXPERT’

I would say that while yes, I have a lot of vital information which I’ve collected, published, and shared to help create the change and influence as many positive vibes in helping change knowledge, provide support, and even update our policies & laws; I in no way consider myself an ‘EXPERT’.  In that statement, I have provided at least some 30 other survivors like myself who have built nonprofits, provide help, publish blogs, monitor support groups, assist victims & provide support for any person who reaches out in a difficult or harmful situation.  These are friends, family warriors, and persons whom I’ve actually admired and found strength from in what we are doing together.

We must understand the path of recovery from these issues isn’t just doing without a drug, or a drink, or getting through a moment. This process of recovery influences your education, your life skills knowledge, the ability to work everyday, to not be triggered by something in a grocery store or when with a group of friends. It effects parenting skills, boundaries, and educating our children as well as protecting them from any of this type of negative influence. It requires a complete moment to moment process of changing your lifestyle, your thoughts, your learned behaviors and disrespect for others or a type of person; such as Racism Against a Religion, Sexual Preferences, Color of Skin, Gender, Age, Economic Status or Place of Residence.

Humans have been taught and influenced by the generation before them, those who are responsible for guiding them and providing balance in their growing life. Tragically those who are teaching them in family have already endured the suffering and been influenced by what their parents and then the generation before have believed was appropriate and influenced without punishment or concern against their kids. Each of us can go back for centuries in our cultures and family tolerances to see a cycle that just continues and no one seems to know how to change it. They are either too traumatized & trained to believe this is simply life, or they have been altered by the distress of being victimized and living in a daily battle of survival.

How can we possibly see an end to this behavioral emphasis in our human existence. Yes, we definitely make sure that our laws & policies provide the best possible guidelines and punishments, but also that we provide the best possible community awareness and education in every small rural community across the borders. It is only in helping to develop a NEW way of thinking that this process will ever be achieved or even begin to affect the whole of our society. It starts in what we teach our kids and how we treat them.

The basics:

  • YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HARM OTHER BEINGS.
  • YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SEXUALLY INFLUENCE A CHILD IN ANY MANNER.
  • YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO OWN, TRADE, SHARE, USE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING OF ANY AGE, RACE, RELIGION.
  • YOU DO NOT HAVE THE POWER TO OWN OR DOMINATE; TO VIOLATE THE FREEDOM OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

Yes, I’m a dreamer. I wish we could flip a switch and end this TODAY, but sadly like it has taken us generations to get as severe as we are today; it will take generations for us to provide that path and create a peaceful type of life with others.

We can however definitely make a CHOICE; make a decision right now, begin this very moment; I will not allow this destruction to touch my life or my family any longer. I will decide to do whatever it takes in getting therapy for myself and my family, to begin teaching respect for the welfare of others and appreciate the most precious right of safety in every home, in our personal circles and to openly discuss this basic freedom in all possible settings. We can influence the life of our friends, our neighbors, and our community leaders. We can absolutely insist that this topic of recovery for our society as a whole begin to be addressed as a Human Recovery in our political agendas and who we put into office in our governments. We can begin holding others responsible for their choices to harm, just as we are responsible for our actions and reactions.

Our human brain, emotional development, attitudes, beliefs, traditions, even violence, rage, sexual behaviors, anxieties, fears, actions and reactions are an affect of what we have lived in and been taught to accept; the creed we live by in our close circles; inside our homes and teach inside our schools.

Teach Positive Life behaviors

Reach out for life so you can grow.

Spread your wings to release your sorrow.

Fly strong to reach the stars

Show the world how beautiful you are

❤ Life Strong & Fly Free ❤

Believe as the Butterflies; ‘Believe Anything Is Possible with You in the Active Equation’

Thank you for reading & I hope you’ll share, comment, post, discuss in casual conversation and begin to live in your own true freedom & recovery today.

Patricia A McKnight

Author; ‘My Justice’

Creator: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

www.blogtalkradio.com/voicesInjusticeRadio

 

President Obama back in Springfield Today….

First KPLR News 11 announced the expected Presidential Speech today sharing his thoughts on National Budget and the huge Budget Crisis in Illinois these past eight months. 

Daily Herald out of Chicago, Journalist Mike Ripello, has written this article for today’s expected speech..

Now they say only a credentialed persons will be allowed in the Capitol Building today, even employees are out. There will be a small gathering at a local Art Venue afterward, but those are also a select few who can attend.

Nine years ago President Obama stood in the same place as Abraham Lincoln did many years ago when he announced his Presidential Campaign. Now as we all know in America, #PresidentAbrahamLincoln is the one president who actually did something amazing for our country, he gave equality to all mankind.

In the past year I’ve been collaborating with Dana Pfeiffer of Grounds of Grace & Lisa Chilton of Violence Prevention Center SW IL; together we have met with House Representative Jay Hoffman; States Attorney Brendan Kelly; U.S. Attorney Fairview Heights Office; Congressman John Shimkus. Dana and I have done about 5 or 6 speaking presentations at U of I Springfield, Lindenwood, Prevent Child Abuse Illinois, and a few Anti Human Trafficking events in Effingham, Springfield, Vandalia. I personally have collaborated with Kailyn Hill, legal writer for House Representative Office. I’ve also recently submitted five years of research to Assistant Attorney General Jessica O’Leary.

Each meeting, speaking event, and collaborating work has been based on Updating Illinois Legislation in our Statute of Limitations and Prosecutorial Guidelines for Violent Crimes Against Children. Last March after receiving an expected rewriting amendment

#HB 3242, finally providing Involuntary Sexual Servitude of a Child; Criminal Sexual Assault of a Child; Forced Servitude; Criminal Sexual Abuse of a Child – HB 3242 Amending a 20 YEAR AFTER VICTIMS 13TH BIRTHDAY in Illinois for these crimes. 

Last March, I received a statement – ‘We regret that due to recent budget crisis in Illinois, we are unable to address the proposed amendment #HB3242 at this time. Hopefully we will be able to address this next session in September. Well, September came and went, and NO, I’ve never heard anything but a ‘NOT AT THIS TIME’ statement from all of the persons named above.

The most recent response, no responsibility of responder, Assistant Attorney General Office Of Policy, but rather our Legislative Leaders, ‘We do not have the budget to introduce any new bills at this time.’ Continuously I am told how incredible the justification and laws already in place to defend the amendment to better protect ALL children, across our nation and around the world. However, even in election year, the massive numbers (3.7 Million Criminal Reports of Maltreatment & Sexual Abuse) these are the plus numbers of children being reported hurt in our country every year and growing in the past ten years; even with all of this and the Congressional Statement of 2012 in addressing Adult Related Sexual Assault – ‘For every ONE report that is made, at least SIX others are not’; allowing this same variable for children who live under the direct control of their parents, who are sometimes terrorized in physical and mental grievous injury ‘DO NOT EVER TELL OR I WILL KILL YOU’ –

Illinois Legislators, what happened to the greatest gift from President Abraham Lincoln, the one true Civil War where some 50 Million Soldiers died to give FREEDOM FOR ALL MANKIND ACROSS THE COUNTRY –

13th Amendment

Section 1.

Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

Section 2.

Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

So for Illinois Legislative Leaders, Governor Bruce Rauner, President Obama – TODAY I ASK YOU ALL – When will it be time to address the constant disregard of those being hurt, molested, trafficked, trapped in servitude and fear – Leaders when will it be time to make all things equal and uphold the laws to PROTECT ALL PERSONS EQUALLY, regardless of age, gender, race, religion, even place of residence or economic standing? This 13th Amendment protects all persons, not just some. We have laws written at a higher level, United Nations General Assembly, Universal Declaration of Human Rights – Ensuring at the highest ruling of mankind, a guaranteed inalienable right to be free; free from harm & free from the fear of harm.

I am all for the full support and development necessary to protect Healthy Loving Family….we should all be so lucky to live in such a home. However, according to centers for Disease and Control, at least 1 in 4 homes are dealing with some form of violent or abusive action. As a survivor of one of the most grievous cases of child abuse in history, and still baring the disfiguring scars and broken decayed smile to prove it; we can never allow this to happen to another human being again- NEVER!!!

The below video interview with Rebecca Kimbel shows some very disturbing photos of what I look like today as the final result of what an ENTIRE COMMUNITY WATCHED HAPPEN AND WHISPERED ABOUT IN THE DESTRUCTION OF A CHILD THROUGHOUT THE 1970’s in Freeburg Illinois. My mother permitted late night special parties with grown men paying my stepfather a couple of bucks to come party with the little girl from about age 13, by 15 it is just the way it was and I did not dare complain, but many saw me beg for my life and still turned away. The school system, the law enforcement, the lack of medical and dental care, the bruises, lack of passing school grades and homework rarely done; regardless of every RED FLAG I COULD POSSIBLY FLY – it was all still ignored for six consecutive years. Yes, it is one of the worst cases of child abuse, forced sexual servitude of a child, exploitation of a child, criminal sexual abuse of a child, extreme neglect of all basic necessities of a child – all of these crimes and not to mention how many times a week I was beaten to a pulp for some stupid reason or another, even putting on a pair of Flannel Pajamas like they had some type of special force that would protect me from the vile acts I tried to escape.

When will we have a budget necessary to begin simply teaching the RIGHT TO BE SAFE? iS IT LIKE TRYING TO DETERMINE IF YOU HAVE THE FINANCIAL NEEDS TO BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD? If so, NO Parent is ever actually ready for a child,but when you bring them into the world, the law is very clear they are your responsibility UNTIL YOU CAN NO LONGER TAKE CARE OF THEM OR YOU ARE HARMING THEM. Sadly, our Family Court and Social Services are all directed to guide reunification, despite reports of maltreatment and regardless of ability to care for the child. They are not the State or Government’s problem, and since they cannot vote, their voice is ALWAYS disregarded. It has been stated by Childhelp America – ‘A child must tell 7 different people about their pain before someone will actually listen and believe them enough to help them’. A young person barely has enough courage to tell one person about their horror, much less seven.

Technically in trying to gather support and get a Federal Mandate protecting young persons; I’ve been rejected by SEVEN – will I find someone that really believes the data & studies put together before ever bringing this request forward. If I didn’t have the data to prove what I say, how I feel, and what is absolutely necessary – I certainly would not be trying so hard again and again, rejection after rejection, to do something so society will listen.

When will we have a leader that will open the door and step inside the crime that happens every single day, in every single neighborhood and apartment building; sometime happening day after day, year after year; holding the quiet tears of a young person who cannot refuse, cannot fight back, and cannot run away. These should be our highest priority in our strength as a human society today, but somehow we just DO NOT HAVE THE BUDGET TO INTRODUCE ANY BILLS OR MEASURES AT THIS TIME.

President Obama I beg you sir, If you really want to cause and create the greatest change for all persons in our society today; ADDRESS THE FAMILY CRIME STATUTES & PUBLIC POLICY PROVISIONS ACROSS THE COUNTRY. Our kids need us to pay attention NOW!!

Thanks for reading,

If you agree and believe that change is absolutely necessary, if you are a survivor who wants to share their voice to speak for children today, if you are a warrior of a resource of help – we need you to collaborate together across the country.

As said by Ms. Rebecca Kimbel & Ms. Stephanie Mann (Safe Kids Now National Network)

‘A single voice can never be heard in the forest, so we must be a Forest of Voices to help put the ‘Good’ as intended in our belief in God’

SIGN THIS PETITION—- MANDATING FEDERAL PROSECUTION & FAMILY OFFENDER RESPONSIBILITY FOR COMMITTING VIOLENT CRIMES & FORCED SERVITUDE OF CHILDREN…..

Video interview Parts 1 & 2 by Producer Host Rebecca Kimbel

 

 

Ask your legislators why they feel it is not important to address this issue at this time?

Are you a reality thinker?

 

Good Morning

Let me first ask, Who enjoys #BillMaher?

Alright world, especially Americans – How much longer will we continue tolerating certain ‘SPECIAL’ human beings to direct what is or is not a – HUMAN CHOICE OF LIFE – or a harming action AGAINST another HUMAN BEING, (which is also a human choice)? Who are these people so righteous and perfect that they are deciding what is a more serious issue to be addressed in our society?

It is #Vote2016 – America you now get to choose what issues are important and who do you trust enough to uphold your wishes. Of course we have to allow the reality that you cannot make everyone happy all the time. (Isn’t this what we have always been told?)

Today we have a human society filled with intelligent reality thinking and tolerating human beings;

HOWEVER…..

  • If you enjoy inhaling smoke from a cigarette or a joint – YOU ARE CONDEMNED!! You are either imprisoned for one of these actions or society just turns away from you commenting how bad you smell.
  • If you don’t get married but choose to live with your Life’s Love
  • If you choose a #SameSex Spouse
  • If you choose to live thinking outside of the box, more tolerating of a Human Choice in life rather than in man’s written interpretation of God’s Laws or our centuries old way of life….

In all of the above sentences, which are basic human choice in a person’s individual life and how they choose to enjoy their time here on Earth; in all of these choices you are demeaned, condemned in either our #CriminalJustice or in our #Church. If you choose any of these you are ostracized and cut out of our daily acceptable way of life.

Permit me to add here; regardless of how much good you share toward another human being, regardless of the kindness and gentle nature you live to inspire in others, regardless of how much good you share with the world – you are not living in our acceptable perceptions of life.

HOWEVER CONTINUED…….

You can make a choice to REPEATEDLY (day after day, year after year, generation after generation); you teach tolerance and acceptance in repeatedly causing extreme harm to children, spouse, partner; ruling your home in brute force and terror, and NEVER be punished or considered a Bad Person

Do you think if person’s as young as sixteen years old; those who are permitted to work, pay taxes, drive – if these person’s were allowed to have a say in how we determine what is and isn’t a priority issue right now – if they could have a say, would it still be considered the same and would it be a topic our #Politicians will make an agenda for their platform?

You know my writing in horrible now in the running sentences and questions, but I am just absolutely stunned everyday about the dark actions and harm that exists inside our homes, hurts our youth and causes more destruction to a human being than any other disease known to mankind, but repeatedly for five years I’ve seen this issue dismissed in Social Media, Television, News Headlines.

Our youth aren’t really directed to believe that they have written guaranteed inalienable rights to be SAFE. We don’t teach them they can & will be protected under our laws and have their offenders prosecuted for the harm against them. We teach them to prosecute the Coach, Priest, Minister, Neighbor, Stranger who hurts them or someone else they know, but we do everything we can to dismiss a #FamilyOffender.

We force them to carry decades of horror, painful, demeaning, and life destructive memories which trigger drug addictions, criminal or violent behavior, even might affect their being a child predator or harming their own children. The studies & research is published to justify how healthy patterns of thinking and human choice are destroyed and in fact frontal lobe brain impairment is the result of even one incident of trauma. Who they were before the harm is forever gone. Regardless of what happens it seems rarely, only after decades of healing; does the survivor get strong enough to bring forth charges, but tragically most (87%) are NEVER prosecuted or held accountable for their disgusting and grievous choice against persons who may be too young to even understand what is happening to them at all. It simply becomes a daily, yearly, life taught pattern of being beaten, degraded, traded, sold, used and destroyed.

Our neighbors dismiss it, our schools dismiss it, our laws dismiss it – at least for the 2.5 Million registered reports of harm that never receive an investigation and those six others on top of that who will absolutely never reveal to anyone just exactly what types of Human Violations they were taught to accept in their life every single day.

This is absolutely the most cruel part of our human nature. We have been programmed century after century, generation after generation, that any of these types of actions against your own children are tolerable, so long as we teach them through fear, threats, silence, and ignorance of their pain – NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE UGLY PARTS.

Will it ever really change? Is there anything at all that our society will ever do besides attend trainings, update how we think about mental illness and trauma, how our law enforcement handles a volatile family offender and just how bad does it have to be before someone will even talk to the child at all about what’s happening or if they’re being hurt?

HOWEVER……

  1. We have 1 in 5 Adult Americans with Mental Illness
  2. We have 1 in 4 homes living in some type of violence or sexual predatory behavior
  3. We have 1 in 3 children being Sexually harmed every single day (I’ve got the research to back this up, find it on the Child Maltreatment Page of this blog)
  4. We have 85% of prisoners affected by some form of childhood or #FamilyCrime
  5. We have 87% of drug and alcohol addictions connected to some form of #FamilyCrime
  6. We have study after study, generation after generation, human being after human being who is living a life altering, self destructive, violent, and suicidal perceptions because of some type of #FamilyCrime

At some point this has to be unacceptable, punished, and held accountable for the inability to financially provide for, and protect the healthy safe life for our children. I absolutely will never understand our society’s choice to consider, ‘Oh well, we are doing our best. It’s what’s always happened. They will get over it’

Readers, I do not understand why we cannot work harder, united in efforts to ensure the education of guaranteed inalienable rights of ALL children. There is no human being better than another. There is no human being not worthy of help. There is no human being that has permission by Man’s Law or God’s Law to harm another human being, but we continue to tell our children it does not matter inside your home and family; ‘Laws are different there; my parental/guardian right to cause grievous injury or sexual harm is my choice. You just have to shut up, deal with it, and if you ever tell anyone else what’s happening in our home, I WILL KILL YOU!!!’

If you tell

Are you ready to make a change for them? Are you sick of this acceptance in these horrific actions?

We are a human society that constantly stands up for #LGBTRights ; #AnimalRights ; #ReligiousRights ; and every other issue, but those very young kids out there (especially those too young to support themselves, too young to defend themselves, too abandoned in the absolute control and responsibility of their parents.

I BELIEVE IN FAMILY TOGETHERNESS. I BELIEVE IN HEALTHY FAMILY DYNAMICS. It will never be perfect and we will never be able to help every child or person who is left to live in this mess. It will take a few generations before we actually see a positive outcome as human beings.

HOWEVER……

You have the power to change it beginning RIGHT NOW!! You can sign our #Petition requesting a #Federal review and update of our policies and prosecutions across the country in how we deal with this type of criminal and humanly destructive choice against those who are the very continuing existence of mankind and our world as a whole. You have the power to make a choice in what you start practicing inside your family. How you teach your children to interact and live accepting, rather than harming, of others. You have the power to determine if they will live searching for a drug to ease their turmoil and inner nightmares. You have the power to determine if they learn to be violent or kind. It is up to every adult to protect and be some type of positive influence on the children they choose to bring into this world.

HELP US MAKE A CHANGE AND DIRECT THE ISSUE FOR OUR HUMAN RIGHT TO BE SAFE!!! ‘Free from harm and free from the fear of harm’ Universal Declaration Of Human Rights

SIGN BELOW –

‘Family Crimes Act’ –

Petition for a Federal Review & Update of Policy & Prosecution

The below video is educational, informative, and empowering

It is also

shocking, disturbing, and graphic

https://youtu.be/QaexoCNqhcM

 

Producer/Toastmaster Ms. Rebecca Kimbel interviews

Author/Advocate/Mentor/Researcher/Survivor

Patricia A. McKnight

Thank you for reading, watching, and hopefully you signed because here in Illinois; this proposal has been discussed for over a year, put in front of House Representative, States Attorney, Congressman, U.S. Attorney, Assistant Attorney General Office – All of these person’s have stated what an amazing collection of research, justification, and remarkable outline of statistics in Crimes Against Children,

HOWEVER……

‘We can not address this topic at this time, but we appreciate and respect your work, your mission, and one day we just might be able to address this topic. You keep going and keep up all the work you’re doing. It really does matter, we just don’t have the budget to allow us to address this right now’

Be Well, Live Strong, Fly Free and teach your children to LIVE!!!

We all need inspiration…..

Sharing this Beautiful power of HOPE!!!

Today I will do my best. If I have a good day, I will be proud of myself. If I have a bad day, I will not dwell on it. I will forgive myself, I will put it behind me and I will continue to move forward.

Written by Inspirational Quotes on January 9, 2016. Posted in Attitude Quotes, Happiness Quotes, Inspiring Quotes, Life Lessons, Life Quotes, Motivational Quotes,Positive Quotes, Quotes, Self Improvement Quotes, Self Motivation Quotes, Self Respect Quotes

http://i2.wp.com/www.dailyinspirationalquotes.in/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/autumn-219972_1280.jpg?w=910

Today I will do my best. If I have a good day, I will be proud of myself. If I have a bad day, I will not dwell on it. I will forgive myself, I will put it behind me and I will continue to move forward.

 

I’ve been so out of touch again. Is it the holidays? Is it the family chaos? Is it the physical chronic pain? Is it because I am trying to find guidance in what I NEED to do next? How do we make our life happen in some good fashion of function and survival? There is what I CAN do, and then what I CANNOT? Remember the prayer of ‘God grant me the strength, the courage, and the knowledge’; this is what we can only hope to feel inside ourselves each day.

If we hang onto HOPE or FAITH, whichever higher power or Creator you believe is guiding our life; this belief gives us guidance. It kind of keeps us going so that we never give up, that we never stop trying in OUR LIFE to get it right. We have two choices each morning, one is to figure out what we need in order to get through to the next step tomorrow, or we can give up and live with nothing inside us but pain and sadness. Living with the deep WAIT for someone else to come along and fix things for us; however, no one can do for us. You only become completely dependent on that person to provide food, water, money, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, or whatever become the crutch we use to bury the sadness and the ‘should have done that’ thoughts.

I honestly have learned to live with a plan to survive each day; even now when I’m not at my best, but I still try to reach for something ALMOST everyday. In my heart I wish I could learn to live in the moment, but it seems there is so much chaos that keeps popping up and this makes it quite a challenge to be light, positive, strong, to keep believing, to keep reaching. This is where we all have to learn our own way, and walk our own choices. There comes a time in EVERY PERSON’S LIFE, when we have to say: ‘Now it is my bad choices that have brought me to where I am, so something inside ME must change. I will not always have someone else in my life to make sure that I’m warm, that I’m fed, that I’m held tight in comfort; always depending on someone else to FIX my mess again.

TODAY AND TOMORROW – I MUST SURVIVE.

Let go of the past sorrow, at least enough to allow some light to come forward in tomorrow. We cannot sit with blame, but only commit to ourselves that regardless of where we must start today; my choices are mine and the road goes two different ways; today is a new start and yesterday is gone; HOPE, FAITH, STRENGTH, COURAGE, BELIEF – this is what we must see in the mirror as we take our life’s lived knowledge so far to set out our choices each day. At some point it is our own responsibility to survive & to figure out the puzzle of our beginning mess to put things back and FIX IT ourselves. LIVE!! Never ever give up!!!