We all need inspiration…..

Sharing this Beautiful power of HOPE!!!

Today I will do my best. If I have a good day, I will be proud of myself. If I have a bad day, I will not dwell on it. I will forgive myself, I will put it behind me and I will continue to move forward.

Written by Inspirational Quotes on January 9, 2016. Posted in Attitude Quotes, Happiness Quotes, Inspiring Quotes, Life Lessons, Life Quotes, Motivational Quotes,Positive Quotes, Quotes, Self Improvement Quotes, Self Motivation Quotes, Self Respect Quotes

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Today I will do my best. If I have a good day, I will be proud of myself. If I have a bad day, I will not dwell on it. I will forgive myself, I will put it behind me and I will continue to move forward.

 

I’ve been so out of touch again. Is it the holidays? Is it the family chaos? Is it the physical chronic pain? Is it because I am trying to find guidance in what I NEED to do next? How do we make our life happen in some good fashion of function and survival? There is what I CAN do, and then what I CANNOT? Remember the prayer of ‘God grant me the strength, the courage, and the knowledge’; this is what we can only hope to feel inside ourselves each day.

If we hang onto HOPE or FAITH, whichever higher power or Creator you believe is guiding our life; this belief gives us guidance. It kind of keeps us going so that we never give up, that we never stop trying in OUR LIFE to get it right. We have two choices each morning, one is to figure out what we need in order to get through to the next step tomorrow, or we can give up and live with nothing inside us but pain and sadness. Living with the deep WAIT for someone else to come along and fix things for us; however, no one can do for us. You only become completely dependent on that person to provide food, water, money, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, or whatever become the crutch we use to bury the sadness and the ‘should have done that’ thoughts.

I honestly have learned to live with a plan to survive each day; even now when I’m not at my best, but I still try to reach for something ALMOST everyday. In my heart I wish I could learn to live in the moment, but it seems there is so much chaos that keeps popping up and this makes it quite a challenge to be light, positive, strong, to keep believing, to keep reaching. This is where we all have to learn our own way, and walk our own choices. There comes a time in EVERY PERSON’S LIFE, when we have to say: ‘Now it is my bad choices that have brought me to where I am, so something inside ME must change. I will not always have someone else in my life to make sure that I’m warm, that I’m fed, that I’m held tight in comfort; always depending on someone else to FIX my mess again.

TODAY AND TOMORROW – I MUST SURVIVE.

Let go of the past sorrow, at least enough to allow some light to come forward in tomorrow. We cannot sit with blame, but only commit to ourselves that regardless of where we must start today; my choices are mine and the road goes two different ways; today is a new start and yesterday is gone; HOPE, FAITH, STRENGTH, COURAGE, BELIEF – this is what we must see in the mirror as we take our life’s lived knowledge so far to set out our choices each day. At some point it is our own responsibility to survive & to figure out the puzzle of our beginning mess to put things back and FIX IT ourselves. LIVE!! Never ever give up!!!

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Believe in the true power of your inner strength to survive

blkwhtpromoFriends it is time to take a deep breath in, concentrate on what is blocking you from feeling the true happiness in your heart, then as you exhale blow it out with force. Think of all those obstacles challenging you today and blow the fears into the wind. Allow the outer energy to absorb them and remove them from your path. Send it all out into the swirling winds of our earth to allow the angels around you to grab them and feel your heart pounding with the true belief in your new beginning. Your life has been blocked by many self doubts, blow them away into the wind. Believe in your heart of hearts, deep within your soul, find the you that truly lies within and allow that person to rise, to stand strong, and to be your leading guide.

youwereborn Believe inside this one simple truth; each of us was created with an innocent soul. Perhaps there may have been monsters or controllers who came into your path with a force so strong they pulled you in deep, they altered your true being, they took away that very special innocent soul. Don’t give up because the person you were born to become is still waiting there inside, just waiting for you to make that choice and breath the life back into your dreams.

Whatif_159x171 Today is your new beginning!! Today is the day you can grab hold of your dreams, you can decide how you want to live your life. You can believe in the true power of you!!

Friends I know how dark the days can become, in fact I was recently at a place so dark I called a crisis line, not just once but twice just this past week. My world became so small I couldn’t focus on the reality of where I am today or the personal strength I hold inside. You must admit, if you know anything at all about my past, there had to be a huge circle of inner strength that has protected me and kept me alive to share with all of you today. How bad it can be sometimes when the pain of our trauma takes from us the desire to continue building the life we want to have. All trauma, because trauma is trauma, it all alters your life. It doesn’t matter if it is from suffering in the loss of someone you love, or the monsters of the night, or even the illnesses we may be trying to cope with today; it is all trauma and the trauma is yours. No one can tell you how this trauma SHOULD affect you. No one can tell you how to cope through the pain you feel, because the pain you feel is also yours and no one else knows how all of these struggles are affecting you. This is something that is completely in your control and it really depends on how you want to view your life. Remember that within that innocent soul you were also given the power of RESILIENCE, which can be the greatest tool ever when put together with the strength & drive to live the life you so definitely deserve.

you matter As this new day begins, believe in this simple but very powerful truth – YOU MATTER!! How you feel matters. How you want to live matters. What dreams you want to chase and achieve matters. You hold the power of the choice today.

Believe in the truth I share that I have absolutely been where you are. It is so painful you have no idea how to even begin to face it all, so list the challenges out in pieces much like those of a puzzle you are trying to put together. Often the multiples of emotions or struggles we are facing are too overwhelming to handle it all at once, so breath and then begin to sort out your pieces of trauma and then put them back together one single piece at a time. It is much like a deep Maddening Silence, so do not allow it to consume all the amazing power of you.

You may be in someone else’s control and so terrified that you are actually afraid to breath. You’re afraid the slightest infringement out of rhythm will cause an explosion that just might cost you your life. You may be holding your breath so tight that you are afraid your breathing pattern of inhale and exhale will not match that of your controller, so you hold your breath; you alter your pattern of breathing to ensure you are keeping everything calm, everything perfect; nothing to upset the monster. I’ve been there and I know that intense fear; the doubt that we are not capable of anything at all on our own. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CAPABLE!! There are resources today that were not available 20 years ago. We have ways to help each other in support, understanding & friendship. Our legal system responds differently to the calls for help. Many states, such as Illinois, are now educating their law enforcement on how to respond when a call of abuse or violence is made. They respond strong and ready to act, ready to protect, ready to assist, ready to give you the local resources & shelters there waiting to help you breath again. Your day is waiting when you are No Longer Afraid to Breathe     

youarenotalone

My website is just one beginning list of daily tools you can use to help you rebuild and begin to take back your power; your control over your true destiny. You are NOT alone!! No matter what you may be trying to overcome and heal, there are resources around the world, no matter what country you live in. I want to take a moment to encourage every person who is dealing with some form of fear, pain, trauma; reach out to a hotline when you are in the lonely desperate place. The voice on the other end of the phone is there waiting to help you through. If you are in that silence of pain, remember there are places of help and you no longer have to fear the future, because the future truly belongs to you.

This is the time to believe in yourself

You deserve to be happy

You deserve to be respected

You deserve to feel love, just as sincere as you give to others

You deserve to plant the roses & watch them blossom in your garden of life

You deserve to soar into your own path

You hold the power inside to truly

Live Strong & Fly Free

Always believe anything is possible

with you in the active equation

livestrong

Artwork creation courtesy of

Michal Madison Art

www.michalmadisonart.com

Begin rebuilding by using these completely free

‘Steps to Recovery’

Daily focus tools to help you through the moments of darkness

Rebuild your self confidence

Understand the connection between your trauma & the impacts left on your life

Learn what abusers look for in a person

Learn the early silent warning signs of child sexual abuse or relationship violence

Dedicated to empowering you to become a protector

Prevent secondary wounding & re-victimization

Be well angels,

Sincerely,

‘Trish’ McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’ – One of the most powerful true crime stories of survival and rebuilding life after trauma that you will ever read. This amazing true story will change the belief in your strength to survive!

All information & writings are copyright protected under the creation of:

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Nov. 2012

Email me direct at trish.mcknight@live.com

Empowerment Speaker/Human Trafficking Awareness Trainer

Writer/Research/Mentor

Some other great websites of help;

NAMI.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Childhelp.org

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, ASCAsupport.org

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network)

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS, IT IS POSSIBLE TO SEEK & RECEIVE HELP, PLEASE RESCUE YOU TODAY!!

Working through your recovery and understanding your trauma, here are some great daily steps you can use to take back your power!!!  Artwork via Michal Madison Art!!

Would not wish this battle of happiness on anyone……

 

Many times when we are left broken by the actions of those we love, we seem to get lost in the pain of it all. There are days when we wake with a huge weight of memories that challenge our ability to smile and keep on going.

“After all, isn’t this what the general society expects of us all? So what, you were beaten, bullied, molested, raped, threatened, controlled; who cares, RIGHT? They say things like; ‘Get on with life’ or ‘So what it’s only sex, you do it all the time. What’s the problem?”

Let me share with you what the ‘PROBLEM’ might be. How about if you close your eyes for about 5 minutes and pretend you are a child; remember the light spirit of catching fireflies in a jar. Then I would like for you to imagine your father (just using the pseudonym as an example); your father’s hands are touching you and suddenly through a quick flash of memory he is on top of you and you feel a burning pain rip through you like a red fury of fire. You hold your breath and turn your head. He’s grunting and telling you what a good child you are and how this is something that is supposed to be done.

All you can think of is how much it hurts!!! You want it to be over, you want him to quit. You have tried to tell your mom, but she simply turns away and ignores your words. You show your dysfunction brought on by the violation of it all; sometimes it comes out in rocked emotions other times through our reactions and actions as we go through life. You’re not allowed to share this ugly secret and you try to figure out why it makes you feel so worthless and ugly. You know that others won’t understand and your friends at school talk about sex like it is just something you do.

“Are they having sex with their parent too? Do they get beat up when the dishes aren’t clean, the laundry’s mess, or just because (HE) is drunk and angry? Do they feel like they don’t matter to anyone at all?”

As you grow up you carry all of this baggage with you. There can be many ‘PROBLEMS’ that you start to see. You may be falling in love with everyone or no one. You may look in the mirror and think about how disgusting you are, or that no one wants you, or no one ever treats you like a decent human being. You stress out easily at work because you have to make sure everything is done with perfection. Sometimes, if you are using an addiction such as alcohol, marijuana, or even food to help get through those shattering moments; you may have problems with being sober at work or high. You may sit at home all by your lonesome and drink or eat until you just can’t drink or eat any longer. You may try to be active in other things, such as taking care of your kids, your family, keeping up with friends, and believe it or not you may even find yourself clinging to your parents, or even the one who violated you. You feel like you need these connections because you want to be loved; to be wanted, appreciated for the good in you, but no matter how hard you try sometimes you just can’t make it through the day without a break down.

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Artwork via: Michal Madison Art

http://www.michalmadisonart.com

Each morning is a new challenge for you. When your eyes open you find yourself once again back in the circle of LIFE AFTER ABUSE!!! It’s ugly as hell and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all. It’s not nice to wake up without a smile for the one you love lying next to you. It’s not nice to be sad all the time and worried about how people will see you ‘Will they see past your veil of secrets?’

We all have some form of burden or trouble we carry sometimes, but the brutal acts and personally violating evils of these crimes is something so deep and so troublesome that even our therapists, support groups, family & friends have difficulty accepting our struggle, understanding the impacts of PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Doubt, Constant Fear of Rejection, the need for Perfection so intense that we don’t have time to enjoy those quiet times of sunshine and flowers or the belly laughter of our children.

We can only hope to help the survivors of these acts when we accept these abuses happened within our homes; the place where we should feel SAFE from the dangers of the world can often be the MOST DANGEROUS.

Remember there are many homes where one parent is not as dangerous as the other. Maybe that other parent doesn’t hear our silent screams for rescue, but maybe they don’t beat and hold you captive. Also there is the ugly truth that these processes of acceptance and silence move forward from one generation in our circle of life to another. Then these acts (CRIMINAL ACTS) are done by the person we marry, the person we choose to have as our lover, friend, companion; the person we share the intimacy with on a regular basis. We believe we can depend on this person to help us through, but instead (especially single moms who have been harmed as children) we continue to fall into the whirlwind romances and find ourselves living with what we have been taught is so ‘NORMAL’ to us. Something we know doesn’t happen in every household, but it definitely happens a lot and for some reason it seems to always happen to us. Those who live in misguided boundaries and beliefs all because of the daily, weekly, decades of brutality and degradation, personal violation and threat to our lives as our everyday perception of life.

You will find us then trying to cope with all of the horrific truths we carry.

How would you get through your day as a Survivor on the path to Freedom from Abuse?

© Patricia A. McKnight

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

Founder; Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

Author: ‘My Justice’

Available through most online book resources!! Bookcvr1

 

The distorted views, perceptions, value I passed forward……

Coming from my history where sexual activity, alcohol, drugs, and value was only felt through being desired by a man; I’ve done some pretty horrible things in my life.

“If someone wanted to have sex with me, then I was worthy of existence”

My only perceived value was in my sexuality as an object, not as a person. Needless to say, seeing my value only through my being wanted by a man flowed into my adult relationships and my example as a mother. The broken spirit of ugliness, overweight teen with scarred disfigured skin from not bathing; black broken fangs for teeth from never having a toothbrush or given the human kindness and decency for proper hygiene; the teen I was with all my distorted perceptions felt grateful for any man wanting to be with me or choosing me as their wife.

“I was well trained to be submissive; accepting their degradation, control, beatings and almost murderous actions because I was nothing without them.”

Carrie Underwood– ‘Blown Away’

This pattern of life was all I knew, it was who I was as a person. The training of all those childhood nightmares was such a huge part of me and controlled how I viewed my self worth; how I behaved and presented myself to others.

“The value of me was only in what others allowed me to feel.”

To say the least my behaviors and choices we all made with a broken and distorted thought process. These distorted views drove who I chose to have sex with, who I chose as my husband or boyfriends and how I allowed them to control my world.

Sadly it was those ‘bad’ choices and ‘bad’ behaviors that infected my children’s world. It is the greatest regret and guilt I still carry today. They grew up believing that the men in my life were more important and I’m sure my behaviors are what led them to believe this.

“How could they possibly believe they carried more value in my heart, if all of the men controlled my actions as a mother?”

Throughout my marriages and relationships I did everything to perfection to ensure the men were never disappointed. However, ensuring their satisfaction was done for reasons other than their importance to me. I ensured perfection in all details of my home in hopes to keep the man from exploding, which was my biggest and constant concern. I needed them to love me, but even more so I needed them not to harm me or my children. Thankfully I can say none of these men ever charged and attacked my children. However, hiding in the closet filled with terror because your mom is being slammed and beaten is nothing a child should ever know. My kids saw their mother’s crying battered body trying to console them and assure them it was nothing. “He was just drunk, just upset because of something I did or didn’t do, or listen as their stepfather beat me and raged because of something the kids had or hadn’t done, which I didn’t correct to the standards expected. Of course there were the times when he raged and beat me damning the kids, “How horrible they were and how I didn’t make them do this or that.” My kids absorbed this and perceived the beating and rage as their mother being battered because of their ‘BAD’ behavior.

“I accepted and tolerated this and then went to be sure this or that was never done again. What view did this give to the children? How could they possibly see themselves as being my most important concern?”

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Artwork Created and Provided by the magnificent talent of Michal Madison

Advocate/Watercolor Artist/Talk Radio Host Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Radio   http://www.michalmadisonart.com

There were extremes of these nights of rage that resulted in a family round table meeting with me, my 11 year old son, my 9 year old daughter, and my 6 year old daughter. Sometimes these round table meeting even included their father, whom I would call to come join us and then in my distorted thinking that I was trying to get them safe; I would ask my children who they wanted to live with and ask them to make a decision to leave me and go back to a man that ruled with an iron fist, a slap, a dancing leather strap.

“My poor babies, how could they think their mother wasn’t choosing to send them away for being bad or not worthy or not important enough for me to take us all and run?”

Thankfully, this is exactly what I started working on after a doctor insisted on my getting help at the local psychiatric counseling center when he was treating me for some broken bones and stressed out nerves. During my first round of therapy I began to understand how the demons of my childhood trained me to be so controlled by the men in my life and believe that getting beaten was completely normal. My eyes started to open and my soul started falling apart. A new me was found and the strength started to grow inside. The belief in my personal value was born and I started trying to escap0e the insane relationship. Twenty years of my adult life was spent in this destructive, volatile environment of distorted through processes and choices; even worse my children had to live and grow in this mess, be influenced and forced to accept it as well.

Thankfully I finally found the courage, the belief, the determination to leave and get my children and I into our own SAFE environment. Yes there was still the need to be loved, to find love, to have someone want me for me and there would be more boyfriends to come and go, but we would have our home and I wasn’t tolerating anymore raging, abusive, controlling behaviors. No one would control what my child did or didn’t do, except of course for me.

“It wasn’t perfect but we were a family. We were safe in our own home, although it took a couple years to finally get there. We were close to each other, had dinner together quietly, happily with laughter and tears as we discussed their day each evening. It was our SAFE HAVEN!!”

Unfortunately there was already much damage done by the time this happened. My behavior to go out drinking once a week, dress up sexy and go seek out the ‘value’ I still had issues with in myself, influenced my children’s view of personal value and what was acceptable behavior. My daughter’s were the most impacted by these behaviors and how they grew to see their own value through their sexuality and needing to be wanted and loved, accepted by a man to be a complete and worthy person.

Everything that encompassed how I viewed my own value by needing to have someone want me or want to be with me, all of these distorted thought processes is exactly what has left the deepest impression on my children, especially my baby girls.

This is now the root of all I commit myself to working on each day. It is my drive to end the insanity of generational abuse and/or the acceptance of family/relationship violence. It is an even greater hope that I can give my children a new perception of their mother and, even more so, themselves. To leave this world knowing that I gave it my all to change what I had so deeply wounded in them and distorted in their perception of their own personal value is what keeps my heart pounding each day. Every soul of broken mess that I can touch through the website, the radio shows, my writings; those who carry the same distorted perceptions because of what happened and how we are trained as children to see our value and worth, to be submissive and accept the brutal actions of others – this is the belief and the generational cycle of soul destruction we can no longer allow.

For my children; Brett, Jessica, Miranda…….

I give you this ————

‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank © 2003 Island Def Jam Music Group–Official Video

Change what you can for your children before there is no second chance. I am grateful to have this chance and pray that I change what I have influenced in their lives today!!!

~~Love you always my babies~~

~~See your value in all that you hold within~~

Patricia A. McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’

Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

Founder: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

© All rights officially copyrighted and protected Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery 2012

Exciting News – Welcome to Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery!!!

rainbow butterfly dreamsFriends, Advocates, Organizations, Foundations, Survivors 

All are Welcome!!!

Today I’d like to make the official announcement of my next step in this journey.

Founder; Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

You are invited to visit the new website and check out the information. You will find the ‘Welcome’ page to enlighten on what is happening here. There are hundreds of worthy, devoted, trusted organizations and foundations building change for our next generation. Now I’ve used my thirty-two years in horrifying abuse, violence, attempted murderous acts against me, to help bring empowerment and healing to others.

With great pride I can say I’ve truly made it through a positive path to freedom and have made some amazing connections along the way. Now I’d like to take all of those Advocates/Bloggers/Foundations & Organizations and share them as resources to help all survivors find their own healing path.

For those who know me, you know my heart and where my truth lies; I’m focused in this mission to bring an end to Family Violence and Abuse against those we should love, support, and guide. I am also determined to bring some sense of understanding the impact of these personal violations, helping others to heal and find their true path to freedom.

Its important to understand these actions against those closest to us have existed since the beginning of mankind as a struggle to power over another. I’ve shared my voice many times, throughout published articles, interviews, blogtalk radio broadcasts and more about the generational acceptance and pattern of trained behaviors, which have grown to program our ever-growing violent society.

Now I’ve joined up with my dear friend and talented Watercolor Artist, Michal Madison; as we build Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery. It is very exciting to look at the upcoming year and where our footsteps will lead us next. We are bringing a new broadcast program to the many others on blog talk radio programming!!! Look for more information to come as we approach January 3rd, 2013.

There is tons of information I’ve shared as my own healing and coping tools, which you are invited to view on the separate pages of the new site. You will also find an excellent collection of resources provided to help you research your best path. There are many different ways to connect with the emotions of all that’s happened, many ways to express these trapped nightmares so that we may begin to walk in freedom and inspire others to choose their new life. On the ‘Resources’ page you will find many whom you can depend on for help, guidance, support, understanding and ways to heal. You will also find ‘Radio World’ a resource collection of other blog talk radio programs from those devoted advocates sharing news, information, interviews and tools.

You will also find ‘Generation No More’ this is the beginning of our children’s tomorrow. We are the generation now speaking out of these horrors to prevent it happening again. As we share our stories there is another victim who is given a voice. Another broken soul who is hearing your words, which empowers them with the comfort in numbers to feel safe. On this page you are asked to sign the guest book, share your non-profit org or foundation, share your local resources so our list can continue to grow. We are all in this together and only mankind can create a better way of living, a safer home for everyone; this may be the only cure for this growing plague of man-made cancer eating away at our society!!!

Along with this new website is the online support group I founded back in January 2011, Survivors World!!! This online group is open to both men and women who have been victims of some form of abuse or violence against them. You can join in conversations, connect with others like yourself, learn to be empowered in your life. Always believe in the happiness you deserve and never give up on the hope for tomorrow. It is through believing in our recovery that will help you move forward. Be empowered to join in with others as we take ‘Survivors World’ online to help support everyone impacted by these generational crimes against those within the walls of our homes.

Our children are depending on us to give them something better. We all have made a committment to provide them a better way than we were given. It is by healing from the abuses against us that each of us begins to understand how our puzzle got so busted and our brains rewired through the abrupt interruption of our ‘normal’ growth and development. These crimes leave a lifelong impact with deep emotional wounds. When we understand how PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Self Destructive Behaviors and more affect our daily lives; then we can use our coping skills to help us get through to tomorrow.

What can you do to help? Simply, GET THE WORD OUT!!!

I am so excited to begin this new journey and provide all I can to help others. Michal and I are getting more and more excited about the upcoming New Year of 2013 and the beginning of our broadcasting. As you may also  know however, I don’t do very well at marketing myself or what I’ve got to share. My mission is to be active in helping others so I don’t do much at promoting, such as with ‘My Justice’ you may notice you see very little in promotions on this.

‘My Justice’ has been highly rated and reviewed by Psychology Professionals, Authors, Survivors, Educators, Highly Praised Attorneys, and of course many of you. In fact, there has yet to be one person who isn’t deeply touched in some way by this story. Yet I rarely share their reviews, feel guilty when I give myself praise of any form; another lasting impact from the many years of being emotionally broken down to believe I was unworthy of human kindness by anyone. This is a daily process for any survivor as you well know.

So how do I expect my work and my continued efforts to be noticed? By the support, friendship, and word of mouth marketing from all of you!!! It is you who have read the story, perhaps you want to pass the book on to another? It is you who connect and share your powerful stories with me in trust and safety, so you know my devotion. It is you who responds and shares of how you were inspired by something I did or said in some way!!! This my friends to me is phenomenal!!!

It is your support and your word of mouth that I trust and believe in!!! If anything I do is worth recognizing or believing, then you will pass it on to another and hopefully they too will be inspired to believe in their true freedom. It is with all voices talking that it will all make a difference and be recognized for the truth we provide and the hope we give to our children; humanity’s only hope in bringing a break to the cycle of what has been so commonly accepted as normal!!!

Please visit the new site; http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

Live in your positive truth!!!

Freedom is a path we all deserve!!

Your healing begins as your cocoon opens;

the wings to your soul spread;

fly into your new beginning!!!

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

http://www.michalmadisonart.com

Resources:

ASCA.org; Naasca.org; Overcomingsexualabuse.com; incestsurvivors.webs.com; stopabusingyourchildren.com; survivingspirit.com; mskinnermusic.com; plunafoundations.org; sisfi.org; togetherweheal.wordpress.com – blogtalkradio.com; Viga Boland, Mary E. Graziano, Patricia Caldwell – Singleton, Annie O’Sullivan, Jan Frayne, Sharon Newkirk Wells, Lynn C. Tolson, Mary Ann Goughler, I CARE Foundation, Peter Thomas Senese — Hopefully you will help share this exciting new site!!!!

Surviving, living, believing, achieving; Healing from Abuse!!

Posted Nov. 13,2012

via Michal Madison

It was another restless night of haunting memories and emotions!!

Its been awhile since I’ve posted a blog, but there are some things that are rushing around in my head this morning, actually they’ve been swimming around in there since yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday, as I was online building the information on the new website, a phone call comes into my cell about 2pm; it’s a programmed number which should have still been blocked, so not sure the how or why she was able to get through. The name popped up and there it was, THE WITCH – THE MOTHER!!

Now I’ve posted before about letting go of the toxic people who are supposed to be family and support us, but I know this is a very difficult process, especially when it’s our parent. Mother is the only parent I’ve ever actually known. She left Dad when I was three and at five I was kept from the family who would have protected me and did not see any of them again until I was eighteen and at my grandfather’s funeral. The one that clung to me that day is the last one who had hugged me good-bye so very long ago. Miss You Grandma!!!

About five years ago now I finally got brave enough to say the words I’d never spoken to Mother before, F**k you as I marched out her front door and never looked back. How dare she blame me for all that had happened!! How dare she first admit what she allowed him to do, what she knew he was doing, and the many bruises she saw from the aftermath of his attacks; then blame the child that endured them!!!

I decided that last day I would never speak with her again.

About four years ago I went public with my own true horror story of the atrocities against me; the community that watched a child rot away in a house of evil; and how it all trained me to believe there would be nothing different in my life. Their ignorance of these abuses left me believing no one cared enough to help me and there was no value in my existence. I must say I was wrong about that last part. God and Creator have guided me and protected me, have brought me to where I am today; a life filled with respect, kindness, patience, love, happiness, FREEDOM!!

Each voicemail was not a request for forgiveness, but rather saying, “I am willing to forget all that you said and forgive you!!!” She has some nerve, telling me she forgives me; forgives me for what??? What exactly was it that her 5 year old daughter did to deserve the next twelve years of molestation, beatings, sadistic rape by a shotgun barrel, or the trafficking out for sick pleasure and beer money; what did this child do that Mother should forgive???

It angers me that her voice can still set me off into a whirlwind. Simply seeing her name pop up on my cell caused an instant shock and downward spiral on my day.

Her voicemails started off asking me to call and resolve the issues about publishing ‘My Justice’. Two of them ended with her crying and asking why I would do such a thing. Two others ended with threats of legal action against myself, and against Bink. What she doesn’t seem to realize first of all, is that he has absolutely nothing to do with this publication, nor is there any marriage for her to come after what few assets we have.

A part of me sincerely hopes she steps forward and brings legal action against me. You see, I’ve never went public with her name or the names of anyone in my immediate family. It would be a great pleasure to stand in a courtroom and show the extremities, now covered with the deep scars from rot, which grew like black mold to cover my body. It would give me great pleasure to introduce the world to the woman who allowed her daughter to be physically eaten by the infection of abuse and terror that surrounded her existence. The times when Mother saw me in bed naked at nine with his erection lying next to me. The time she allowed him to buy the see-through gown from Victoria Secrets for her then twelve year old daughter. The dates she allowed her thirteen year old daughter to attend when it should have been just the two of them. How she watched him ‘teach’ me to slow dance in public while an entire bar watched the child drink up the whiskey and be groped on the dance floor. The mornings she viewed the belt marks and bruises from her daughter’s battle the night before and never spoke a concerned word about any of it!!!

Will she have the courage and the stupidity to come forward and name herself as the mother of this child??? Only time will tell!!!

The saddest part of it all is how the lifelong effects are still with me and still able to be angered by her actions and the sound of her voice. Is it really that I haven’t fully healed or is it the deep impact left on the child? Isn’t it normal for a child to want a parent to love and protect them, believe in their value and encourage their possibilities? She was all I had as a blood connection to any parent. I didn’t want to let go, because I always hoped she would one day see my worth as a human being. Unfortunately, the day has never come and once in a while she sneaks back in to remind me of this truth.

Sadly it is a truth for many of us who survived the vicious attacks and sickness of abuse from our parents. Those who we were taught should protect and guide us; instead harm, degrade, and strip away our very soul, then act as if we are to blame for the cruelty against us.

So, as I vent to you today, I have to admit that as much as I speak about empowering the voices of others to speak up for their freedom in life, it is with great sorrow that I admit; “She got to me again!!!”

Yes, we’ve talked, posted, and shared about the many lifelong traumas that inflict the survivor of abuse and violence. I’ve shared on previous blogs the scientific proof from National Institute of Mental Health and Government Affairs reports of how the trauma of the many years in sadistic brutal abuse and neglect leaves the survivor to carry lifelong issues of PTSD, DEPRESSION, DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTIONS, FIBROMYALGIA and other such physical and mental health problems.

I believe, that even for some of the parents today who are abusers and neglecters of their children; that this is a curse from times past and it is possible to recover and be better for your children!!

Do we ever fully recover or are we in a constant mode of recovering?

When we heal from the inside we become better, stronger, more capable of facing the daily issues of life and parenting!!! I also believe like learning to live as a recovering addict, we have to recognize the scars of the abuse, accept what it has done to us and find coping skills to manage through. It’s important that we become emotionally strong enough to cope with the stressors that can set us off. We have to review our own actions and emotional responses to see how the scars have invaded our ability to cope within our adult world and family. However, it is a work – in – progress!!!

Each time we can stand against the emotional reaction charged from the abuse and trauma, we have achieved a new success!!! It is to be admired, awarded in some small way, show yourself how important it is that you didn’t let it set you off, you were able to recognize your reaction and stop it from happening; THIS IS A HUGE SUCCESS!!!

As well as having the days of those little successes, we of course have those days we feel the cut of having our negative responses and feeling the frustration of the downward racing spiral!!! Yes we will have bad days, there will be things that set us off and trigger our anger, sadness, isolation, and more. Don’t be afraid to admit this to yourself. Know that it is perfectly normal to have this. It’s alright and with each time you face those days they become building blocks of your recovery. Don’t be ashamed that a day has come that you have problems coping? There is no shame, only honor in being a survivor!!!

Never give up hope of one day being free and having your life to enjoy!!

Never stop dreaming of what you can achieve!!

Never stop believing in your value; the purpose given to you at birth!!

When you need a friend to help you get through a bad day or a bad moment, never be afraid of speaking out and asking for some guidance and support!!! Know there are hundreds of voices speaking out against the crimes of abuse and the generational acceptance to family violence. You will find a friend who understands the plight you face and will help you find your sense of peace!!!

If you are lost in these lifelong impacts of abuse or violence; please search out Abuse and Violence Support in your browser or Facebook, there is always help available!!! If you are swept away and need a voice to speak with call the hotline numbers to speak with someone and find a local support group in your area where you can connect with others like yourself.

You are never alone!!! You never have to remain silent about the pain you carry!!!

You’re invited to visit the new website for a full-page of resources and listing of hotline numbers;  http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com

Join me and others in the online support group – Survivors World

Both men and women; victims and survivors are welcomed; together we can help heal each other!!!

Join in and sign the guest book for ‘Generation No More’; hoping to empower and encourage everyone to build prevention and rescue in their own community!!

Positive Thoughts for You

You DESERVE a safe place to sleep

You DESERVE respect

You DESERVE kindness and support

You DESERVE as much love as you freely give to others

You DESERVE roses in your garden of life

(c) ‘My Justice’

pub. Feb 2011

Patricia A. McKnight

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Host/Survivor

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

SCARS OF DISREGARD FOR MEDICAL CARE!!!

Left & Right Arms

Right & Left Leg