We all need inspiration…..

Sharing this Beautiful power of HOPE!!!

Today I will do my best. If I have a good day, I will be proud of myself. If I have a bad day, I will not dwell on it. I will forgive myself, I will put it behind me and I will continue to move forward.

Written by Inspirational Quotes on January 9, 2016. Posted in Attitude Quotes, Happiness Quotes, Inspiring Quotes, Life Lessons, Life Quotes, Motivational Quotes,Positive Quotes, Quotes, Self Improvement Quotes, Self Motivation Quotes, Self Respect Quotes

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Today I will do my best. If I have a good day, I will be proud of myself. If I have a bad day, I will not dwell on it. I will forgive myself, I will put it behind me and I will continue to move forward.

 

I’ve been so out of touch again. Is it the holidays? Is it the family chaos? Is it the physical chronic pain? Is it because I am trying to find guidance in what I NEED to do next? How do we make our life happen in some good fashion of function and survival? There is what I CAN do, and then what I CANNOT? Remember the prayer of ‘God grant me the strength, the courage, and the knowledge’; this is what we can only hope to feel inside ourselves each day.

If we hang onto HOPE or FAITH, whichever higher power or Creator you believe is guiding our life; this belief gives us guidance. It kind of keeps us going so that we never give up, that we never stop trying in OUR LIFE to get it right. We have two choices each morning, one is to figure out what we need in order to get through to the next step tomorrow, or we can give up and live with nothing inside us but pain and sadness. Living with the deep WAIT for someone else to come along and fix things for us; however, no one can do for us. You only become completely dependent on that person to provide food, water, money, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, or whatever become the crutch we use to bury the sadness and the ‘should have done that’ thoughts.

I honestly have learned to live with a plan to survive each day; even now when I’m not at my best, but I still try to reach for something ALMOST everyday. In my heart I wish I could learn to live in the moment, but it seems there is so much chaos that keeps popping up and this makes it quite a challenge to be light, positive, strong, to keep believing, to keep reaching. This is where we all have to learn our own way, and walk our own choices. There comes a time in EVERY PERSON’S LIFE, when we have to say: ‘Now it is my bad choices that have brought me to where I am, so something inside ME must change. I will not always have someone else in my life to make sure that I’m warm, that I’m fed, that I’m held tight in comfort; always depending on someone else to FIX my mess again.

TODAY AND TOMORROW – I MUST SURVIVE.

Let go of the past sorrow, at least enough to allow some light to come forward in tomorrow. We cannot sit with blame, but only commit to ourselves that regardless of where we must start today; my choices are mine and the road goes two different ways; today is a new start and yesterday is gone; HOPE, FAITH, STRENGTH, COURAGE, BELIEF – this is what we must see in the mirror as we take our life’s lived knowledge so far to set out our choices each day. At some point it is our own responsibility to survive & to figure out the puzzle of our beginning mess to put things back and FIX IT ourselves. LIVE!! Never ever give up!!!

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS, IT IS POSSIBLE TO SEEK & RECEIVE HELP, PLEASE RESCUE YOU TODAY!!

Working through your recovery and understanding your trauma, here are some great daily steps you can use to take back your power!!!  Artwork via Michal Madison Art!!

The distorted views, perceptions, value I passed forward……

Coming from my history where sexual activity, alcohol, drugs, and value was only felt through being desired by a man; I’ve done some pretty horrible things in my life.

“If someone wanted to have sex with me, then I was worthy of existence”

My only perceived value was in my sexuality as an object, not as a person. Needless to say, seeing my value only through my being wanted by a man flowed into my adult relationships and my example as a mother. The broken spirit of ugliness, overweight teen with scarred disfigured skin from not bathing; black broken fangs for teeth from never having a toothbrush or given the human kindness and decency for proper hygiene; the teen I was with all my distorted perceptions felt grateful for any man wanting to be with me or choosing me as their wife.

“I was well trained to be submissive; accepting their degradation, control, beatings and almost murderous actions because I was nothing without them.”

Carrie Underwood– ‘Blown Away’

This pattern of life was all I knew, it was who I was as a person. The training of all those childhood nightmares was such a huge part of me and controlled how I viewed my self worth; how I behaved and presented myself to others.

“The value of me was only in what others allowed me to feel.”

To say the least my behaviors and choices we all made with a broken and distorted thought process. These distorted views drove who I chose to have sex with, who I chose as my husband or boyfriends and how I allowed them to control my world.

Sadly it was those ‘bad’ choices and ‘bad’ behaviors that infected my children’s world. It is the greatest regret and guilt I still carry today. They grew up believing that the men in my life were more important and I’m sure my behaviors are what led them to believe this.

“How could they possibly believe they carried more value in my heart, if all of the men controlled my actions as a mother?”

Throughout my marriages and relationships I did everything to perfection to ensure the men were never disappointed. However, ensuring their satisfaction was done for reasons other than their importance to me. I ensured perfection in all details of my home in hopes to keep the man from exploding, which was my biggest and constant concern. I needed them to love me, but even more so I needed them not to harm me or my children. Thankfully I can say none of these men ever charged and attacked my children. However, hiding in the closet filled with terror because your mom is being slammed and beaten is nothing a child should ever know. My kids saw their mother’s crying battered body trying to console them and assure them it was nothing. “He was just drunk, just upset because of something I did or didn’t do, or listen as their stepfather beat me and raged because of something the kids had or hadn’t done, which I didn’t correct to the standards expected. Of course there were the times when he raged and beat me damning the kids, “How horrible they were and how I didn’t make them do this or that.” My kids absorbed this and perceived the beating and rage as their mother being battered because of their ‘BAD’ behavior.

“I accepted and tolerated this and then went to be sure this or that was never done again. What view did this give to the children? How could they possibly see themselves as being my most important concern?”

dvmm2                 dvmm3                  dvmm1

Artwork Created and Provided by the magnificent talent of Michal Madison

Advocate/Watercolor Artist/Talk Radio Host Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Radio   http://www.michalmadisonart.com

There were extremes of these nights of rage that resulted in a family round table meeting with me, my 11 year old son, my 9 year old daughter, and my 6 year old daughter. Sometimes these round table meeting even included their father, whom I would call to come join us and then in my distorted thinking that I was trying to get them safe; I would ask my children who they wanted to live with and ask them to make a decision to leave me and go back to a man that ruled with an iron fist, a slap, a dancing leather strap.

“My poor babies, how could they think their mother wasn’t choosing to send them away for being bad or not worthy or not important enough for me to take us all and run?”

Thankfully, this is exactly what I started working on after a doctor insisted on my getting help at the local psychiatric counseling center when he was treating me for some broken bones and stressed out nerves. During my first round of therapy I began to understand how the demons of my childhood trained me to be so controlled by the men in my life and believe that getting beaten was completely normal. My eyes started to open and my soul started falling apart. A new me was found and the strength started to grow inside. The belief in my personal value was born and I started trying to escap0e the insane relationship. Twenty years of my adult life was spent in this destructive, volatile environment of distorted through processes and choices; even worse my children had to live and grow in this mess, be influenced and forced to accept it as well.

Thankfully I finally found the courage, the belief, the determination to leave and get my children and I into our own SAFE environment. Yes there was still the need to be loved, to find love, to have someone want me for me and there would be more boyfriends to come and go, but we would have our home and I wasn’t tolerating anymore raging, abusive, controlling behaviors. No one would control what my child did or didn’t do, except of course for me.

“It wasn’t perfect but we were a family. We were safe in our own home, although it took a couple years to finally get there. We were close to each other, had dinner together quietly, happily with laughter and tears as we discussed their day each evening. It was our SAFE HAVEN!!”

Unfortunately there was already much damage done by the time this happened. My behavior to go out drinking once a week, dress up sexy and go seek out the ‘value’ I still had issues with in myself, influenced my children’s view of personal value and what was acceptable behavior. My daughter’s were the most impacted by these behaviors and how they grew to see their own value through their sexuality and needing to be wanted and loved, accepted by a man to be a complete and worthy person.

Everything that encompassed how I viewed my own value by needing to have someone want me or want to be with me, all of these distorted thought processes is exactly what has left the deepest impression on my children, especially my baby girls.

This is now the root of all I commit myself to working on each day. It is my drive to end the insanity of generational abuse and/or the acceptance of family/relationship violence. It is an even greater hope that I can give my children a new perception of their mother and, even more so, themselves. To leave this world knowing that I gave it my all to change what I had so deeply wounded in them and distorted in their perception of their own personal value is what keeps my heart pounding each day. Every soul of broken mess that I can touch through the website, the radio shows, my writings; those who carry the same distorted perceptions because of what happened and how we are trained as children to see our value and worth, to be submissive and accept the brutal actions of others – this is the belief and the generational cycle of soul destruction we can no longer allow.

For my children; Brett, Jessica, Miranda…….

I give you this ————

‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank © 2003 Island Def Jam Music Group–Official Video

Change what you can for your children before there is no second chance. I am grateful to have this chance and pray that I change what I have influenced in their lives today!!!

~~Love you always my babies~~

~~See your value in all that you hold within~~

Patricia A. McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’

Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

Founder: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

© All rights officially copyrighted and protected Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery 2012

What happens when the Fiscal Cliff hits already overwhelmed services? A time to DO SOMETHING……

As a final last ditch effort, our capital officials are discussing the pending Fiscal Cliff. There is no doubt that we will all see huge cuts across the board and it will hit each of us personally. You may have seen the news this morning about the call to discuss these issues by President Obama. Not only do we face the personal tax increase, but the other half of these discussions will cut spending allowances for Family and Youth Services; agencies, centers, shelters, these will all be impacted by what happens next.

It has been a pattern in our government cuts to hit those services who provide help, shelter, support and life rebuilding skills for those escaping abuse, violence, trafficking. As if these services aren’t already in dire need of revamping and accountability?

Our growing population, the need for housing, the economic break down we are already facing; all of this causes stress and rage within our family unit.

Most common you find two factors that will trigger violence and abuse within our homes.

1) Need for power over another

2) Finances

Advocates, agencies, social services who deal with victims of abuse and violence hear the stories every day.

A) He’s just angry because there’s no work and no money

B) The drinking has increased because of no money and the rage increases as a result.

C) It’s hard to deal with work and the kids always wanting or needing something.

D) I was overwhelmed and had an emotional break down, which led to my burst of violence.

As our government funded resources are cut and our own pockets feel the impact, there will be a greater need to help and provide support for our family members and friends who are dealing with an already difficult situation. Please open your eyes, listen with your gut and be strong enough to offer a source of hope and help to an abused, controlled, terrified victim.

Last year I became acquainted with two women who were making great strides in forcing centers/shelters to provide accountability for their services rendered and the decisions that impact these victims. Maria DiBari, head of Tri county Crisis Center and Alexis Moore, Founder & President of Survivors in Action; are on a strong mission to bring the use of government funds to these organizations in review. It was more than one service/center/shelter, who’s leadership was receiving a Six Figure Salary while victims were being turned away and sent searching for help.

Check out the amazing articles written, posted, shared by DVReform.org

As an advocate I’ve come across more than one or two who I’ve spent countless hours of internet searching, phone calls to agencies, and reaching across the net to other acquaintances/advocates to locate helpful resources for a victim. When the situation involved a child I was told they needed proof before they could act. When it was a woman, there was more than one who had to relocate, some two hours away and others into another state before we could find help. When men have come to me most often they are stared down, made to feel like animals, continuously turned away and denied assistance at all. There have been many victims who I’ve had to personally chat with, talk with, be the supporter and the guide as we work through escape, help, recovery, and rebuilding.

It is terrifying when I think of the explosion to come!!!

We must all make a decision to step up and help each other through. We must make a call to help rescue ANY CHILD in danger. We must offer a supportive shoulder or a helping hand to our family members and friends. Each of us knows a least one family in our circle who are presently living in an abusive or violent situation. We may not want to consider it our business, or even acknowledge that it is happening, but do you want to be the one to wake one morning and find out the someone you thought might be in danger has been beaten, raped, threatened with death, or MURDERED!!??

How abusive or violent does our society have to become before responsible adults start responding and helping as we protect those around us?

When the cuts come down the line, our society needs to react by helping each other. We must insist on services being provided to protect ALL CHILDREN AND VICTIMS. It is a time when the leaders, officials, law makers, and protectors should all be held accountable for their decisions and the salaries they receive vs. the help they provide.

As an advocate, I implore everyone who reads this to consider how this will effect our communities and the services already overwhelmed with victims. How can we, as a human society, ensure that we pass on a better world to our children? We must first give a crap about what is happening in the homes around us today and who is living in the midst of a nightmare.

Working together for the protection of all mankind is the only way we can change the path of our society. It is the only way we can teach our children how to respect another rather than bully over them or use weapons of deadly violence against them. Do you see what I see when you look around in your own community and what’s happening on our streets, within our schools, and unfortunately what starts out in our homes?

There is no way to help them all and protect everyone from another’s violence or disgusting actions; this is indeed a horrible truth. What do you think will happen in our society as funds are continually cut and leader salaries outweigh services; this is the question that scares me the most.

All the efforts from advocates I’ve encountered in these past two years have started a new wave across our globe. Now we are faced with another horrifying blow as our family economic unit is sure to be hit even harder.

I truly believe that only by stepping forward and caring about one another, especially our children, will we ever be able to change our path of human destruction. Let’s go back to when a stranger was offered help instead of being ignored as they starved. Let’s remember what it was like when one human being cared about the safety and well being of another. These are the basics we have lost.

In close, I hope this at least sparks some thought about those around you or maybe even your own situation. I hope in some way it reaches into your soul and begs you to rise into action. I pray that instead of continuing in the materialistic, self-centered actions, that have been a growing pattern in our society; that we can all find some way to see what we have lost and work together and bring back hope and inspiration of building better within our homes.

Every soul deserves a chance to live. Every human being deserves a safe place to lay down their head. Every child should be protected from the dark actions of another. Every breath we are given should be a chance to build our dreams without destroying the life of another.

Hope for building a safer world to guide our next generation!!! It is vital for us to see what happens behind the doors of our homes and within the centers meant to provide us help!!!

Another great site: Sanctuary for the Abused – talk about a hard look at what’s already been happening with our government funds and now to think of how bad it will get in the days to come.

You can also find some great empowering views from The Majority United, Founder & Director, Ms. Betty Jean Kling.

©Patricia A. McKnight

Dec. 28, 2012

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Talk Radio Host & Prod/Survivor

Founder: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

‘My Justice’ – Authorhouse/Amazon/Barne’s&Noble/Lulu

Paperback/Ebook/Kindle & Nook

Here’s to providing a positive influence on our tomorrow!!!

So what is this healing thing? Can we accept who we are now? What about accepting what we have either done to others or how we have impacted the lives of those who love us?

I’m thinking about where I am now, who I am now; mainly because of building the Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery project. I’ve been looking inside myself and trying to find the real me inside the damage for about five years now. It’s been hell!!!

The constant doubting myself and my ability to be me without all the mess attached; trying to get it all back together again and believe that I can help make a difference somehow. This is the struggle of people like us. This is our daily reality, it sucks!!

As I watched one of my most favorite movies this morning, “When a Man Loves a Woman” with Andy Garicia and Meg Ryan, it dawned on me that the process of dealing with an addiction, such as alcoholism as Meg was facing, and seeing how it played in her family life touched a part of me I didn’t recognize.

‘When a man loves a woman’ Meg Ryan, Andy Garcia, directed by: Luis Mandoki–Phenomenal

We’ve all done horrible things and we all have at least one thing we are ashamed of, so does this make us all similar in life? In many ways it does. Each of us has our own mess we are struggling with to keep our heads above water. Each of us is human and we all make mistakes we have to face and forgive ourselves for doing? Each of us is influenced by the ways of our childhood lessons and what we’ve learned in our adult life. To me this makes each of us more like the other than we want to admit sometimes.

At the present, I’m building my dream of providing some form of understanding, support, help for others like myself. The hardest part is believing in my ability to succeed at this and how I can build it into something really amazing. Of course I understand this cannot be done without a huge amount of support from the public. It is another huge step for this survivor and I do pray I won’t fall on my face in the process.

I’m not a perfect person and have never claimed to be one. In fact, most often I am my own worst critic and can be my own abuser. Like the millions of others who have felt this, it is darkest to see what we have done to others throughout our lives and how the choices we’ve made have impacted them. I’ve over celebrated events, such as this past 50th birthday, and then I reason away my stupidity. I’ve inappropriately yelled at my children with an undeserved voice, especially as they were growing up and stressing me out. I’ve taken and popped them upside the head when they did something senseless or talked back. However, slapping them and yelling at them can also be reasoned away as a broken parent who was merely stumbling through life not having a clue how to function in a ‘normal’ world.

‘Does this make the bad we’ve done OK, simply because we can reason it away? Can’t we reason away almost anything?’ 

Thankfully, my kids have all come to me separately and told me I didn’t abuse them so I can give myself a break for this, but that doesn’t mean that the choices I made and decisions to stay didn’t upset their world. My chaotic behavior brushed off on them and its taken longer for them to become functioning and stable in their world.

‘Oh how I hate what my parents created in me!!’

When I published ‘My Justice’ it was my public apology to my children; explaining to them how it all fit together and why it all matters in the big picture of who they are today and how they cope through life. It was admitting all the dark secrets I had been carrying, the guilt and the shame over what happened, but also for how it passed forward into their world.

If they could have seen inside me at 37 years old, making the decision to build a life on our own, walking away from all that had been so normal to me and a man I sincerely loved; perhaps if I had let them see me break down they too might have been able to release what was going on in them; to open up their wounds and allow them to break free from the darkness as well. I fell to my knees in our house when they went on weekend visits with their father. This was after we left their drunken stepfather, got away from the drunken boyfriend, and we were on our own.

Therapy was breaking me into pieces and everything was falling all over the ground. I was like a child trying to pick up all the jacks that had been kicked around for those 32 years. Every time I thought it was alright and I was going to make it; I would start dropping them again, losing one here or there as I went along trying to pretend I could handle all of it. I was a complete wreck. Didn’t realize it was the first time I’d ever FELT about anything that had happened, it was my first mental break down!! Work was a bitch and I under bid myself in pay status so horribly; due to my lack in self confidence and having to prove to myself that I could succeed and break out. This meant we were barely able to make it by, in fact, I had worked my way into a heavy debt trying to make up for all the bad, but I was determined to change their world. If I hadn’t gotten so sick with first the hysterectomy and then the pulmonary embolism, we might just have made it through. However, then I would never have come back to Illinois and would not have met the most wonderful man I have in this present place.

‘There is a purpose for all things; even those we do not understand”

Recovery to me is being able to see all of it for what it is and what it has done to influence the person I am today. I believe that through understanding these wounds and the horrible choices I’ve made, the problems any of us have caused others; we see ourselves in the true light of what is good in us. We don’t have to be perfect. In fact many of us will never be able to get close to that status in society, but isn’t it what we carry inside that matters most?

If we try to keep struggling to meet the standards of others and accomplish only what they expect out of us, how can we ever build our own standards and see the good we’ve accomplished in ourselves?

Recovery is being able to see your good and accept your mistakes, own them, learn from them, understand where your perceptions and mind set was when you made them and then see where it sets with you today. Do you feel the spark of a peace within? Do you have respect for yourself and the fight you’ve put forth to build something better within yourself? This is the beginning!!!

When we understand the how and why, when we admit to our imperfections and how we have been stumbling around in the dark; this is when we begin to see the light ahead. We begin to feel our soul come together as one good human being. We learn to see our reflection as the beauty within rather than the scars we carry. When we reach the point of feeling our present life instead of reacting to our past, this is our baby steps at learning how to live again. We can see the new person coming to life and we have the ability to change what we don’t like in them. We have torn down all the walls protecting that person who was battered. It is now they can begin to spread their wings. We are learning to be a new person and to believe in our possibilities. This is when we have reached the other side of the mountain and have finally been able to grow into who we were intended to be.

If you are at the stages of seeing all that has happened and being sucked into the darkness of your pain and the guilt of harming those around you, this is a dark place for you and I get that completely. You don’t have to stay there however, you can do what’s needed to come into your own person; the good person who huddles inside that block wall. Don’t worry, each of us has our own imperfections and this is who we are. Accepting them for what they are allows you to see past them and you will see the good in you as I have. You will become a new person a person you know is good and would never harm another living soul. A person who shines from within and simply puts her best foot forward each day. Will we slip and drop our jacks, of course we will? Do others have to live life constantly combatting themselves from within? I believe on some level yes they do.

Take a second and close your eyes. Think of who you were just five years ago. Think of all you’ve done that might have negatively impacted the lives of those you love and put them in danger. Now open your eyes and see who you are today, right now!!! What do you see? Would the person you are today make those same choices again or would they try to do it differently and turn it into something more positive? I believe, that most of us would do the later. This is the new person coming to life inside of you. If you like this person build on what you see in their good. Keep making it stronger and challenging yourself to do things a better way. This is how we begin to change the world, one healing survivor at a time. Every painful action matters because each one has influenced the life of another.

Remember, this is the point where every good action matters, because each one will influence the life of another!!!

Here’s to OUR new beginnings and building the person we want to thrive in our world today!!! Here’s to providing a positive influence on our tomorrow!!!

Exciting News – Welcome to Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery!!!

rainbow butterfly dreamsFriends, Advocates, Organizations, Foundations, Survivors 

All are Welcome!!!

Today I’d like to make the official announcement of my next step in this journey.

Founder; Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

You are invited to visit the new website and check out the information. You will find the ‘Welcome’ page to enlighten on what is happening here. There are hundreds of worthy, devoted, trusted organizations and foundations building change for our next generation. Now I’ve used my thirty-two years in horrifying abuse, violence, attempted murderous acts against me, to help bring empowerment and healing to others.

With great pride I can say I’ve truly made it through a positive path to freedom and have made some amazing connections along the way. Now I’d like to take all of those Advocates/Bloggers/Foundations & Organizations and share them as resources to help all survivors find their own healing path.

For those who know me, you know my heart and where my truth lies; I’m focused in this mission to bring an end to Family Violence and Abuse against those we should love, support, and guide. I am also determined to bring some sense of understanding the impact of these personal violations, helping others to heal and find their true path to freedom.

Its important to understand these actions against those closest to us have existed since the beginning of mankind as a struggle to power over another. I’ve shared my voice many times, throughout published articles, interviews, blogtalk radio broadcasts and more about the generational acceptance and pattern of trained behaviors, which have grown to program our ever-growing violent society.

Now I’ve joined up with my dear friend and talented Watercolor Artist, Michal Madison; as we build Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery. It is very exciting to look at the upcoming year and where our footsteps will lead us next. We are bringing a new broadcast program to the many others on blog talk radio programming!!! Look for more information to come as we approach January 3rd, 2013.

There is tons of information I’ve shared as my own healing and coping tools, which you are invited to view on the separate pages of the new site. You will also find an excellent collection of resources provided to help you research your best path. There are many different ways to connect with the emotions of all that’s happened, many ways to express these trapped nightmares so that we may begin to walk in freedom and inspire others to choose their new life. On the ‘Resources’ page you will find many whom you can depend on for help, guidance, support, understanding and ways to heal. You will also find ‘Radio World’ a resource collection of other blog talk radio programs from those devoted advocates sharing news, information, interviews and tools.

You will also find ‘Generation No More’ this is the beginning of our children’s tomorrow. We are the generation now speaking out of these horrors to prevent it happening again. As we share our stories there is another victim who is given a voice. Another broken soul who is hearing your words, which empowers them with the comfort in numbers to feel safe. On this page you are asked to sign the guest book, share your non-profit org or foundation, share your local resources so our list can continue to grow. We are all in this together and only mankind can create a better way of living, a safer home for everyone; this may be the only cure for this growing plague of man-made cancer eating away at our society!!!

Along with this new website is the online support group I founded back in January 2011, Survivors World!!! This online group is open to both men and women who have been victims of some form of abuse or violence against them. You can join in conversations, connect with others like yourself, learn to be empowered in your life. Always believe in the happiness you deserve and never give up on the hope for tomorrow. It is through believing in our recovery that will help you move forward. Be empowered to join in with others as we take ‘Survivors World’ online to help support everyone impacted by these generational crimes against those within the walls of our homes.

Our children are depending on us to give them something better. We all have made a committment to provide them a better way than we were given. It is by healing from the abuses against us that each of us begins to understand how our puzzle got so busted and our brains rewired through the abrupt interruption of our ‘normal’ growth and development. These crimes leave a lifelong impact with deep emotional wounds. When we understand how PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Self Destructive Behaviors and more affect our daily lives; then we can use our coping skills to help us get through to tomorrow.

What can you do to help? Simply, GET THE WORD OUT!!!

I am so excited to begin this new journey and provide all I can to help others. Michal and I are getting more and more excited about the upcoming New Year of 2013 and the beginning of our broadcasting. As you may also  know however, I don’t do very well at marketing myself or what I’ve got to share. My mission is to be active in helping others so I don’t do much at promoting, such as with ‘My Justice’ you may notice you see very little in promotions on this.

‘My Justice’ has been highly rated and reviewed by Psychology Professionals, Authors, Survivors, Educators, Highly Praised Attorneys, and of course many of you. In fact, there has yet to be one person who isn’t deeply touched in some way by this story. Yet I rarely share their reviews, feel guilty when I give myself praise of any form; another lasting impact from the many years of being emotionally broken down to believe I was unworthy of human kindness by anyone. This is a daily process for any survivor as you well know.

So how do I expect my work and my continued efforts to be noticed? By the support, friendship, and word of mouth marketing from all of you!!! It is you who have read the story, perhaps you want to pass the book on to another? It is you who connect and share your powerful stories with me in trust and safety, so you know my devotion. It is you who responds and shares of how you were inspired by something I did or said in some way!!! This my friends to me is phenomenal!!!

It is your support and your word of mouth that I trust and believe in!!! If anything I do is worth recognizing or believing, then you will pass it on to another and hopefully they too will be inspired to believe in their true freedom. It is with all voices talking that it will all make a difference and be recognized for the truth we provide and the hope we give to our children; humanity’s only hope in bringing a break to the cycle of what has been so commonly accepted as normal!!!

Please visit the new site; http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

Live in your positive truth!!!

Freedom is a path we all deserve!!

Your healing begins as your cocoon opens;

the wings to your soul spread;

fly into your new beginning!!!

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

http://www.michalmadisonart.com

Resources:

ASCA.org; Naasca.org; Overcomingsexualabuse.com; incestsurvivors.webs.com; stopabusingyourchildren.com; survivingspirit.com; mskinnermusic.com; plunafoundations.org; sisfi.org; togetherweheal.wordpress.com – blogtalkradio.com; Viga Boland, Mary E. Graziano, Patricia Caldwell – Singleton, Annie O’Sullivan, Jan Frayne, Sharon Newkirk Wells, Lynn C. Tolson, Mary Ann Goughler, I CARE Foundation, Peter Thomas Senese — Hopefully you will help share this exciting new site!!!!

Hopes, Dreams, Moments of Laughter; Thriving

          Hopes, dreams, laughter; Michal Madison Art

 

 

 

 

Victims do not have grand moments of these three irreplaceable gifts in life. When you live as a victim of abuse or violence you thrive for the calm moments, rather than filling them with hopes, dreams, and laughter.

Maybe you view things as I once did:

I hope he doesn’t hit me today

I dream of the day when I am safe

I laugh at nothing; would you?

A Survivor, who is finally safe, might have these views:

I hope I can take care of us

I dream of getting of one day finding love and giving it in return

I laugh when the kids play now

Then we become Thrivers and we see like this:

I hope tomorrow is just like today!

I dream of who my children and grandchildren will become!

I laugh almost daily at something!

I live in true love and feel all the glory of these three gifts.

It is my wish for you; May you become your own Thriver. May you take that first baby step towards your life; your hopes, dreams, moments of laughter. No matter what your today is always believe that time changes all things;

You are always possible

You are given these gifts with your life

You are strong enough to succeed

You are Never Alone and others will help you

Never let go of these gifts, you too will become a thriver!!!

Without them we cannot see our tomorrows.

They are your gifts, use them wisely!!

Michal Madison Art

(c)Patricia A. Mcknight

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Host/Survivor

http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Photo art by: Michal Madison

Watercolor Artist/Advocate/Talk Radio Host/Survivor

http://www.michalmadisonart.com

http://www.facebook.com/michalmadison

Surviving, living, believing, achieving; Healing from Abuse!!

Posted Nov. 13,2012

via Michal Madison

It was another restless night of haunting memories and emotions!!

Its been awhile since I’ve posted a blog, but there are some things that are rushing around in my head this morning, actually they’ve been swimming around in there since yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday, as I was online building the information on the new website, a phone call comes into my cell about 2pm; it’s a programmed number which should have still been blocked, so not sure the how or why she was able to get through. The name popped up and there it was, THE WITCH – THE MOTHER!!

Now I’ve posted before about letting go of the toxic people who are supposed to be family and support us, but I know this is a very difficult process, especially when it’s our parent. Mother is the only parent I’ve ever actually known. She left Dad when I was three and at five I was kept from the family who would have protected me and did not see any of them again until I was eighteen and at my grandfather’s funeral. The one that clung to me that day is the last one who had hugged me good-bye so very long ago. Miss You Grandma!!!

About five years ago now I finally got brave enough to say the words I’d never spoken to Mother before, F**k you as I marched out her front door and never looked back. How dare she blame me for all that had happened!! How dare she first admit what she allowed him to do, what she knew he was doing, and the many bruises she saw from the aftermath of his attacks; then blame the child that endured them!!!

I decided that last day I would never speak with her again.

About four years ago I went public with my own true horror story of the atrocities against me; the community that watched a child rot away in a house of evil; and how it all trained me to believe there would be nothing different in my life. Their ignorance of these abuses left me believing no one cared enough to help me and there was no value in my existence. I must say I was wrong about that last part. God and Creator have guided me and protected me, have brought me to where I am today; a life filled with respect, kindness, patience, love, happiness, FREEDOM!!

Each voicemail was not a request for forgiveness, but rather saying, “I am willing to forget all that you said and forgive you!!!” She has some nerve, telling me she forgives me; forgives me for what??? What exactly was it that her 5 year old daughter did to deserve the next twelve years of molestation, beatings, sadistic rape by a shotgun barrel, or the trafficking out for sick pleasure and beer money; what did this child do that Mother should forgive???

It angers me that her voice can still set me off into a whirlwind. Simply seeing her name pop up on my cell caused an instant shock and downward spiral on my day.

Her voicemails started off asking me to call and resolve the issues about publishing ‘My Justice’. Two of them ended with her crying and asking why I would do such a thing. Two others ended with threats of legal action against myself, and against Bink. What she doesn’t seem to realize first of all, is that he has absolutely nothing to do with this publication, nor is there any marriage for her to come after what few assets we have.

A part of me sincerely hopes she steps forward and brings legal action against me. You see, I’ve never went public with her name or the names of anyone in my immediate family. It would be a great pleasure to stand in a courtroom and show the extremities, now covered with the deep scars from rot, which grew like black mold to cover my body. It would give me great pleasure to introduce the world to the woman who allowed her daughter to be physically eaten by the infection of abuse and terror that surrounded her existence. The times when Mother saw me in bed naked at nine with his erection lying next to me. The time she allowed him to buy the see-through gown from Victoria Secrets for her then twelve year old daughter. The dates she allowed her thirteen year old daughter to attend when it should have been just the two of them. How she watched him ‘teach’ me to slow dance in public while an entire bar watched the child drink up the whiskey and be groped on the dance floor. The mornings she viewed the belt marks and bruises from her daughter’s battle the night before and never spoke a concerned word about any of it!!!

Will she have the courage and the stupidity to come forward and name herself as the mother of this child??? Only time will tell!!!

The saddest part of it all is how the lifelong effects are still with me and still able to be angered by her actions and the sound of her voice. Is it really that I haven’t fully healed or is it the deep impact left on the child? Isn’t it normal for a child to want a parent to love and protect them, believe in their value and encourage their possibilities? She was all I had as a blood connection to any parent. I didn’t want to let go, because I always hoped she would one day see my worth as a human being. Unfortunately, the day has never come and once in a while she sneaks back in to remind me of this truth.

Sadly it is a truth for many of us who survived the vicious attacks and sickness of abuse from our parents. Those who we were taught should protect and guide us; instead harm, degrade, and strip away our very soul, then act as if we are to blame for the cruelty against us.

So, as I vent to you today, I have to admit that as much as I speak about empowering the voices of others to speak up for their freedom in life, it is with great sorrow that I admit; “She got to me again!!!”

Yes, we’ve talked, posted, and shared about the many lifelong traumas that inflict the survivor of abuse and violence. I’ve shared on previous blogs the scientific proof from National Institute of Mental Health and Government Affairs reports of how the trauma of the many years in sadistic brutal abuse and neglect leaves the survivor to carry lifelong issues of PTSD, DEPRESSION, DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTIONS, FIBROMYALGIA and other such physical and mental health problems.

I believe, that even for some of the parents today who are abusers and neglecters of their children; that this is a curse from times past and it is possible to recover and be better for your children!!

Do we ever fully recover or are we in a constant mode of recovering?

When we heal from the inside we become better, stronger, more capable of facing the daily issues of life and parenting!!! I also believe like learning to live as a recovering addict, we have to recognize the scars of the abuse, accept what it has done to us and find coping skills to manage through. It’s important that we become emotionally strong enough to cope with the stressors that can set us off. We have to review our own actions and emotional responses to see how the scars have invaded our ability to cope within our adult world and family. However, it is a work – in – progress!!!

Each time we can stand against the emotional reaction charged from the abuse and trauma, we have achieved a new success!!! It is to be admired, awarded in some small way, show yourself how important it is that you didn’t let it set you off, you were able to recognize your reaction and stop it from happening; THIS IS A HUGE SUCCESS!!!

As well as having the days of those little successes, we of course have those days we feel the cut of having our negative responses and feeling the frustration of the downward racing spiral!!! Yes we will have bad days, there will be things that set us off and trigger our anger, sadness, isolation, and more. Don’t be afraid to admit this to yourself. Know that it is perfectly normal to have this. It’s alright and with each time you face those days they become building blocks of your recovery. Don’t be ashamed that a day has come that you have problems coping? There is no shame, only honor in being a survivor!!!

Never give up hope of one day being free and having your life to enjoy!!

Never stop dreaming of what you can achieve!!

Never stop believing in your value; the purpose given to you at birth!!

When you need a friend to help you get through a bad day or a bad moment, never be afraid of speaking out and asking for some guidance and support!!! Know there are hundreds of voices speaking out against the crimes of abuse and the generational acceptance to family violence. You will find a friend who understands the plight you face and will help you find your sense of peace!!!

If you are lost in these lifelong impacts of abuse or violence; please search out Abuse and Violence Support in your browser or Facebook, there is always help available!!! If you are swept away and need a voice to speak with call the hotline numbers to speak with someone and find a local support group in your area where you can connect with others like yourself.

You are never alone!!! You never have to remain silent about the pain you carry!!!

You’re invited to visit the new website for a full-page of resources and listing of hotline numbers;  http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com

Join me and others in the online support group – Survivors World

Both men and women; victims and survivors are welcomed; together we can help heal each other!!!

Join in and sign the guest book for ‘Generation No More’; hoping to empower and encourage everyone to build prevention and rescue in their own community!!

Positive Thoughts for You

You DESERVE a safe place to sleep

You DESERVE respect

You DESERVE kindness and support

You DESERVE as much love as you freely give to others

You DESERVE roses in your garden of life

(c) ‘My Justice’

pub. Feb 2011

Patricia A. McKnight

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Host/Survivor

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

SCARS OF DISREGARD FOR MEDICAL CARE!!!

Left & Right Arms

Right & Left Leg

What are we going to do for them???

Mankind has accepted the acts of maintaining our homes through fierce control for decades. We’ve turned away as our sons and daughters are being beaten, molested, raped, sodomized; forced to do unspeakable acts, but even with all that I’ve seen change in the past two years it still is not enough!!!

I ask EVERYONE; When will it be bad enough to catch your attention and ask you to do something to help make a difference?

This past March I sent a letter to our wonderful First Lady Michelle Obama, asking she give her voice to recognize this crime and the millions of survivors in our country alone. In April I sent out a blog post asking all politicians, hollywood stars, sports players to speak up and be the one to give their voice and take a stand to protect our kids. In May I emailed President Obama asking our politicians who would be the one to make crimes of abuse against children and within our home a topic for this year’s political campaign. The email was then sent out to our Illinois Senator Richard Durbin. He is the only one who responded at all and that was a simple “Thank you for your interest“!!!

Really, to me it is absolutely unfathomable that we have a society, who I’ve seen only maybe a few hundred or so voices, willing to speak out against these crimes and do it proudly. Its not that we ENJOY talking about these topics, ITS BECAUSE THEY ARE LIFESAVING AND VITAL TO OUR CHILDREN.

How can we honestly look at our kids today, see all the stress and dysfunction they deal with, and not be willing to make this a public topic and one that ALL OF US TAKE PART IN? How can we sit back, turn up the television, block out the screaming babies and pretend we don’t know what’s happening?

The truth is ILLINOIS HAD A TOTAL OF 218 CHILDREN DIE IN 2011 BY ACTS OF PHYSICAL ABUSE OR NEGLECT!!! Senator Durbin, “Does this catch your interest yet?”

I see how the scars of my own abuse bled in to invade the lives of my children. I see how the broken process of thought and good choices, a trained belief that I deserved nothing better, led me to be thankful a man would have me at all. “You are only good for breeding” is just one of the constant brainwashing methods he used to keep me down and in control. He (stepfather) had to make sure that I would never amount to anything worth wild and that I would know the only value I had was between my legs!!!

Friends, if you are like me and carrying around the scars of the horrible acts of rape, molestation, degradation, control through fear; then YOUR CHILDREN ARE AT RISK OF BEING PLACED IN A CONTINUED PATTERN OF ACCEPTING WHAT YOU WERE TRAINED TO BELIEVE. Please do not make those same mistakes!!!

Our children, all around the globe, need us, as RESPONSIBLE ADULTS,  to step up now; PROTECT THEM NOW and make it a very important topic for everyone!!! There is no shame that a survivor of abuse should have to bear, simply because someone mistreated, beat, or raped them. Why is this their shame? Did they do something wrong? THEY WERE CHILDREN – how can a child fight off an adult they have to call Mom or Dad?

Yes we want to believe it doesn’t happen inside our wonderful little homes, but guess what???? This is exactly where 93% of these crimes exist, BEHIND THE WALLS MEANT TO PROTECT US!!! Again, using the Illinois DCFS stats for 2011. We had 14,028 cases of Parental Abuse called into the center; we only had 823 cases where a stranger or someone outside of the family circle was involved.

KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT ABUSE!!!

I invite you as one survivor to another, please check out the new website and you can sign the guest book for GENERATION NO MORE!!! You are also invited to request membership in Survivors World online support group for both men and women who have been victims of ANY FORM OF ABUSE!!! We all need the support of others. Most of us have know abuse all our lives and truly are just starting to find out what our lives were meant to be. We all need each other as we build this force to protect the next generation and walk away from the pattern of accepting these acts; standing proud, admiring what we’ve been able to get through, and acknowledge the pain of others.

The ONLY way we will ever end these types of acts within our homes, is by coming together; ONE AND ALL, protecting those within your family, speaking up when another kid is bullied, calling 911 when we see or hear an act of violence against another. These are the things only we can change. There is no miracle pill that is going to change what has been passed down through the ages, ONLY US!!!

Make it count, please do all you can, use your voice, respond to the abuse by speaking against it and protecting those who cannot protect themselves. Women, children, and Men are being battered, controlled, degraded, raped and MURDERED simply because someone needs to have all the power. Is this what mankind was intended to allow? I really don’t believe so and I know together we can give our children something better.

We are all human, We all deserve to be safe within our homes; this is where the fight against abuse begins!!!

(c)Patricia A. McKnight

Author: “My Justice”

http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62