Pedophilia, should it be an accepted act today??? BUTTERFLY DREAMS TALK RADIO – HOT TOPIC FEATURE BLOG TONIGHT w/ guest cohost Michal Madison. Live calls at 347-215-7754 or join in the chatroom. How can we protect the souls of our children???
“He had a balding head of strawberry blond hair and thick rimmed black glasses. When I made eye contact with him and saw the shine in his cold blue eyes, the hair on the back of my neck started to quiver. This man was evil and I could see it in his eyes. The evil ran through him like blood ran through my veins. His huge thick hands reached out for me as I walked past him, yelling for Mom. She finally came walking out of the kitchen, drying her hands on a dish towel. Mom looked at Richie and I and said, “Trecia. Richie. I would like you to meet your new dad.” I couldn’t believe what she said. Sadly I looked up at her and said, “New dad. But I have a dad. He’s a good dad and he loves me.” Mom pushed me towards the strange man as she introduced me to Walter. Walter would become the ruler of my life. He would make all decisions from that day forward concerning my contact with my father, grandparents and anyone else carrying the McKnight name. He would also control everything else in my life, including my existence. Walter became my nightmare. He would destroy everything good in my life and the day would come when no one was permitted to even say my last name. Then on a winter night of February 1968 he made his first sexual attack. The next twelve years of my life would be under his complete control. His brutal attacks would come constantly with no recourse from my mother. His huge thick hand would sneak in to forcefully cover my mouth as I lay in bed at night; trying to sleep peacefully next to my sister, but quietly crying as I endured his sadistic games.” The evil of just one child’s nightmare….
Many times when we are left broken by the actions of those we love, we seem to get lost in the pain of it all. There are days when we wake with a huge weight of memories that challenge our ability to smile and keep on going.
“After all, isn’t this what the general society expects of us all? So what, you were beaten, bullied, molested, raped, threatened, controlled; who cares, RIGHT? They say things like; ‘Get on with life’ or ‘So what it’s only sex, you do it all the time. What’s the problem?”
Let me share with you what the ‘PROBLEM’ might be. How about if you close your eyes for about 5 minutes and pretend you are a child; remember the light spirit of catching fireflies in a jar. Then I would like for you to imagine your father (just using the pseudonym as an example); your father’s hands are touching you and suddenly through a quick flash of memory he is on top of you and you feel a burning pain rip through you like a red fury of fire. You hold your breath and turn your head. He’s grunting and telling you what a good child you are and how this is something that is supposed to be done.
All you can think of is how much it hurts!!! You want it to be over, you want him to quit. You have tried to tell your mom, but she simply turns away and ignores your words. You show your dysfunction brought on by the violation of it all; sometimes it comes out in rocked emotions other times through our reactions and actions as we go through life. You’re not allowed to share this ugly secret and you try to figure out why it makes you feel so worthless and ugly. You know that others won’t understand and your friends at school talk about sex like it is just something you do.
“Are they having sex with their parent too? Do they get beat up when the dishes aren’t clean, the laundry’s mess, or just because (HE) is drunk and angry? Do they feel like they don’t matter to anyone at all?”
As you grow up you carry all of this baggage with you. There can be many ‘PROBLEMS’ that you start to see. You may be falling in love with everyone or no one. You may look in the mirror and think about how disgusting you are, or that no one wants you, or no one ever treats you like a decent human being. You stress out easily at work because you have to make sure everything is done with perfection. Sometimes, if you are using an addiction such as alcohol, marijuana, or even food to help get through those shattering moments; you may have problems with being sober at work or high. You may sit at home all by your lonesome and drink or eat until you just can’t drink or eat any longer. You may try to be active in other things, such as taking care of your kids, your family, keeping up with friends, and believe it or not you may even find yourself clinging to your parents, or even the one who violated you. You feel like you need these connections because you want to be loved; to be wanted, appreciated for the good in you, but no matter how hard you try sometimes you just can’t make it through the day without a break down.
Artwork via: Michal Madison Art
Each morning is a new challenge for you. When your eyes open you find yourself once again back in the circle of LIFE AFTER ABUSE!!! It’s ugly as hell and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all. It’s not nice to wake up without a smile for the one you love lying next to you. It’s not nice to be sad all the time and worried about how people will see you ‘Will they see past your veil of secrets?’
We all have some form of burden or trouble we carry sometimes, but the brutal acts and personally violating evils of these crimes is something so deep and so troublesome that even our therapists, support groups, family & friends have difficulty accepting our struggle, understanding the impacts of PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Doubt, Constant Fear of Rejection, the need for Perfection so intense that we don’t have time to enjoy those quiet times of sunshine and flowers or the belly laughter of our children.
We can only hope to help the survivors of these acts when we accept these abuses happened within our homes; the place where we should feel SAFE from the dangers of the world can often be the MOST DANGEROUS.
Remember there are many homes where one parent is not as dangerous as the other. Maybe that other parent doesn’t hear our silent screams for rescue, but maybe they don’t beat and hold you captive. Also there is the ugly truth that these processes of acceptance and silence move forward from one generation in our circle of life to another. Then these acts (CRIMINAL ACTS) are done by the person we marry, the person we choose to have as our lover, friend, companion; the person we share the intimacy with on a regular basis. We believe we can depend on this person to help us through, but instead (especially single moms who have been harmed as children) we continue to fall into the whirlwind romances and find ourselves living with what we have been taught is so ‘NORMAL’ to us. Something we know doesn’t happen in every household, but it definitely happens a lot and for some reason it seems to always happen to us. Those who live in misguided boundaries and beliefs all because of the daily, weekly, decades of brutality and degradation, personal violation and threat to our lives as our everyday perception of life.
You will find us then trying to cope with all of the horrific truths we carry.
How would you get through your day as a Survivor on the path to Freedom from Abuse?
© Patricia A. McKnight
Author/Advocate/Speaker/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor
Founder; Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming
Author: ‘My Justice’
Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
Talk Radio Programming
Call in phone # (347)215-7754
Our programming is a magnificent team of survivors & experts, but each host represents their own specific show and will share with you their upcoming ideas, guests, and programs!! This schedule is for the Monday & Wednesday programs with Trish McKnight and Michal Madison. Be sure to tune in and listen as all of our hosts, including the wonderful Annie O’Sullivan & Kelly Behr, present their special programs for your listening. We do hope you will gather some food for thought as we discuss the very heinous acts of abuse and violence within our homes.
Each independent host will share their upcoming guests & programs!!
**We still would like to talk to some new hosts. We’ve got some open programming days and if you believe this is something you are interested in joining, please let us know. If you have a special focus on these issues and would like to share your talents in your own broadcasted program, please contact Trish McKnight by emailing:
email@example.com Please title as SHOW HOST in subject line!!
February Guest Schedule!!!!
Feb 04; Monday – ‘Generation No More’ w/ Trish McKnight & Guest
Ms. Janice Meadows – Hedrick: Very excited to have Janice join in as we continue looking at the studied stats for 2011 reported to the Children’s Bureau. We’ll kick off by talking about the stats in her area of West Virginia, along with some special information she’d like to share about her state and their efforts to prosecute the predators and parents who attack the children. We’ll also be chatting about the Teen Dating Violence awareness month!!! What can you do as a parent to see the warning signs and help your kids understand what they mean? Very proud to share Janice is our very first Premier Supporter for our radio programming. We truly appreciate her ongoing work and devotion to this cause!!
Feb 06; Wednesday – ‘Survivors World’ w/ Trish & Michal
Natasha Hagan: Natasha is an avid fighter and promoter for RAINN.org (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network). Miss Hagan is going to share her journey from victim to thriver as she is now one of the leading voices of this organization and manager of Team Strick. She’s traveled to Washington D.C., she’s met with some amazing stars and now she comes to share her ongoing journey as she speaks to break down the walls of silence about these vicious crimes.
Feb 11; Monday – ‘Generation No More’ w/ Trish & Guest
Nell Cole: Advocate/Radio Producer & Host of Firetalk Productions blog talk radio program, Ms. Nell Cole will join in on a educational and awareness discussion about the crimes of abuse & violence throughout centuries. Nell is an advocate for all injustice; not only speaking with those who have been harmed within our country, but she also discusses many various topics throughout history, such as: Sexual Healing, Orphans & Abuse, Historic topics of varying degrees. You’ll find her a wonderful, compassionate and highly intellectual person who sees these crimes and speaks the truth, breaking down the walls of secrets!!
Feb 13; Wednesday – ‘Survivors World’ w/ Trish & Michal
This night will be a call in night for our listeners to share your views on the topics of discussion. This broadcast will focus ‘Coping Strategies of the Trauma Survivor’. Michal did some research and found a few amazing articles about how survivors will use the coping they learned during the trauma of abuse throughout many of the difficult challenges in their adult life. Cannot wait to discuss and share with all of you on this topic!!! Please be sure to join us as we open up all the phones and our chatroom for your input.
Feb 18; Monday – ‘Generation No More’ w/ Trish & Guest
Denise Rotheimer: This is sure to me one powerful discussion. Mom, turned advocate, Founder of ‘Mothers on a Mission to Stop Violence’; Ms. Rotheimer is taking the battle of victims rights in the state of Illinois all the way to the U. S. Supreme Court. You’ll hear how her daughter was a child victim and how ‘Jasmine’s Law’ HB5187 also know as the Survivor Rights Act is the mission of this mom as she gains appellate justice for all victims and witnesses of violent crimes. Please listen in as this is sure to be one for the records as we discuss the foundation and her own personal battle in that very sensitive and often violated issue of Victims Rights vs. Rights of the Accused. Denise Rotheimer is also host of the cable television show, ‘Enforce Justice’.
Feb 20; Wednesday – ‘Survivors World’ w/ Trish & Michal
Janice Hedrick: Back on the show with us, this time Janice will be talking about her history of growing up in a drunken, raged filled home. Escaping and running into the hope of a new life, unfortunately to be attacked, raped and walking the path of the lost for almost 2 years. Janice is going to share with us the many secrets she has never spoken of before and we’ll discuss the impact of the sexual attack and how our mental health is impacted by the trauma. This is one for all rape survivors, you know the dark path of fear and loss that is felt. Please join in to support this courageous supporter/advocate to end the violence within our homes and the crimes of sexual attacks.
Petra Luna: Singer/Musician/Artist/Advocate/Founder of Plunafoundation, the awesome and strong spoken spirit of Petra Luna comes to our phones. This amazing advocate is creator of MALE ABUSE AWARENESS WEEK!!! An event held December 1st – 8th in San Francisco, California, is dedicated strictly to MALE ABUSE AWARENESS!! Petra gives an exciting concert event and a week full of activities all directed to give our guys their macho male spirit and honoring what they have endured. Our male victims are becoming more recognized with the great efforts of Petra and her foundation to help guys understand, speak out and cope with the many difficult battles of being a survivor of rape and child abuse. You can join in the new Facebook Supporter Group by clicking on this link………. https://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_188508034535018#!/groups/188508034535018/
Feb 27; Wednesday – ‘Survivors World’ w/ Trish & Michal
Michal and I will open up our phone lines again and open up the topic of discussion as we take your shares about your journey of being a survivor. This show will focus on the issues of Domestic/Relationship Violence. There are many controlling factors when you speak of this type of violence. It can expand from the very least of keeping track of your actions, isolation, degradation, financial control, to the very brutal physical attacks which can often be almost deadly or life crippling. Join in as Michal and I take your calls and your stories about the survivors of these types of violence in our dating relationships and more common, those that happen within our homes by those who promise to be our partners, love us, respect us; in the end to torture and control us. We will close out our February month with a full discussion on the Relationship/Dating Violence our teens also deal with and how we can become aware to help them escape before the worst possible action happens.
Remember you were not brought into this world to have your spirit destroyed by the evil of those around you. There is life after abuse and you too can find your path to freedom!!
You deserve a safe place to sleep
You deserve respect
You deserve kindness & support
You deserve as much love as you freely give to others
You deserve roses in your garden of life!!
Thank you for supporting, sharing, and listening in on our programs. It’s sure to be a fantastic month with a lot of debate. Hope you will recommend the shows to your friends and family as we all step up to break down the wall of silence about these vicious crimes.
© Patricia A. McKnight
Founder/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Blog Talk Radio Programming
Author; ‘My Justice’
Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor
Please email to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
Blog Talk Radio
Hosts & Programming
CALL IN TO TALK LIVE W/ OUR HOSTS
Join in our open chatroom discussions and be empowered with understanding of abuse and/or family/relationship violence!!!
We are a team dedicated to bringing you exciting upbeat conversations and fabulous guests, while we all learn to spread our wings. We all deserve the glory of freedom!!
Live Strong & Fly Free
Ms. Annie O’Sullivan- You’ll be entertained with upbeat conversations, amazing guests and much more EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT @ 9pm e.s.t./8pm c.s.t./7pm m.s.t./6pm p.s.t Annie is bringing her show, titled after her incredible, page turning novel, ‘Can You Hear Me Now’ to our broadcasting team!!! You can catch her program of open discussions about childhood abuse & the trauma we must battle through. This show will surely grab your attention. Annie is an outstanding survivor who knows the broken path we can sometimes walk after a childhood filled with vicious evil. Join in to find out more and get to know the admirable spirit of the Advocate/Author/Speaker/Group Leader/Successful Career/Mother & Grandmother she is today. Be sure to visit Annie’s blog; http://brokenuntilspoken.wordpress.com Check out her story in the novel “Can You Hear Me Now?” – Click here to purchase your copy today!!!
Ms. Lisa Miller-Baldwin – Her special broadcast will be EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT @ 9pm e.s.t./8pm c.s.t/7pm m.s.t./6pm p.s.t.!!! Lisa comes to our team and is also new to the talk radio world. You will be amazed at her talent to both empower and inspire you. Lisa brings to you a show focused on all the issues surrounding the crimes of Domestic/Relationship Violence. Her show ‘My Secret Place’ is about a safe place to talk about the pain and trauma; violation of personal safety, control and degradation that leaves victims having to rebuild who they are and some relocate without family and friends to escape the brutal acts. You will be empowered by her spirit and by the amazing work of this highly devoted Advocate & Founder; Wonderfully Made Foundation, which is dedicated to helping the homeless in our society learn the life skills and seek shelter to get their feet back on the ground. Please join in for her inspiring broadcast and ‘LIKE’ her organization page
Ms. Michal Madison – WEDNESDAY NIGHT @ 9pm est/ 8pm cst/ 7pm mst/ 6pm pst – A fabulous spirit and highly talented watercolor artist, Michal previously broadcasted the ‘Michal Madison Show’. She is now joining our team as she co-hosts with Trish on our Survivors World program!! Michal is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, who also followed the path of dysfunction as her adult relationships swirled into the rage of domestic violence for decades. This program is dedicated to all things survivors, both MALE & FEMALE!!! The broadcast is aimed at providing education, empowerment and encouragement as we share coping skills, life building skills, safety escape strategies and much more. You are invited to call in and share your special path as Michal and Trish open up the phone lines and the chatroom. Survivors World program is based from the original support group founded by Trish back in Nov. 2010 and it has been growing in bonds of friendship and support to help us all know we are not alone and someone will listen to your voice. Be sure to go to the homepage of Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery website and hit the ‘Sign In’ link to request your membership in this growing online support group. We welcome all survivors to our online group and we understand the road you have traveled!!! Check out Michal’s incredibly talented artwork by clicking here, be sure to ‘LIKE’ her page!!
Ms. Patricia ‘Trish’ McKnight – Monday evenings at 9pm est / 8pm cst/ 7pm mst/ 6pm pst; you are invited to join Trish for the broadcast of ‘Generation No More’ a project created on Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery website where a forum page is opened to discuss how the behaviors and teachings of generations past have left their mark and are impacting the lives of our grandchildren today. On this program we discuss ALL things related to the abuses and violent behaviors that have not only been passed down and taught for centuries, but also how these traumas have effected our sense of personal safety and influenced the many dysfunctions of our mental health. You will be intrigued by conversations with special guests, advocates, organizations all geared to help end these acts of cruelty. On these broadcasts we bring a wide variety of topics and share from the forum on the main page for Generation No More. Trish is the author of her own true horror story of a life filled with 32 years trapped in the behaviors trained into her as a child, teen, and into her adult years. She has seen how these crimes and their emotional traumas have cycled forward into the lives of her children, which now impact the lives of her grandchildren.
Trish is dedicated to change what has stained her bloodline for decades and has built a website designed to help us all take a different look at these crimes and how they impact society today. Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Founder of Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery and our talk radio programming. Be sure to catch her with Michal Madison on Wednesday evenings as they host ‘Survivors World’. You can find out more by visiting our website. Be sure to check out the highly praised and reviewed novel about Trish’s own true story of hell in the novel ‘My Justice’; available in paperback, e-book, Kindle & Nook, distributed by Authorhouse Publishing. Get the e-book format for just $2.99 by clicking on this hyperlink!!
Remember you were not brought into this world to have your spirit destroyed by the evil of those around you. There is life after abuse and you too can find your path to freedom!!
You deserve a safe place to sleep
You deserve respect
You deserve kindness & support
You deserve as much love as you freely give to others
You deserve roses in your garden of life!!
Together we all learn to spread our wings, climb out of the darkness of our cocoons; soaring high as we – LIVE STRONG & FLY FREE!!
© copyright protected, January 21, 2013
Patricia A. McKnight
Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Prod. & Host/Survivor
Founder/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
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There are many different truths of being a survivor of trauma that I’ve shared in the past two years. Almost everyday I try to share something positive to empower others like myself, to inspire hope for a new awakening to the truths of the damage inflicted by the acts and the darkest of mankind’s evil actions against another.
As many of you are aware also, I spent not only twelve years enduring the vicious attacks, both physical and sexual, from my stepfather; the endless rejection from my family, but also twenty years of repeated physical attacks from FIVE separate men. This isn’t to say that only men are the attackers, it’s just what I went through. (There are thousands of women who are very aggressive and who need the power over others).
So now I look at where I am today. I always talk about living in your present. For most survivors, this means we have to TAKE CONTROL OF OUR THOUGHTS. We have to concentrate and keep them from getting sucked into the past. I, and many like me, deal with this every moment of every day!!! Try it for awhile, it’s not an easy task and it takes time to become good at focusing your energy on staying in the positive. It’s difficult enough for anyone in today’s world, but for someone who has gone through years of brutal trauma; it’s truly much more difficult. Not something I would wish on any other being.
How do I see myself right now?
1) My life is in a very safe place.
2) It is well supported (for the most part anyway). I really don’t have family or friends from my past that are with me now. There are a few who have come from my hometown of Freeburg, a few who I went to school with and their parents know mine. It is not their fault of what happened to me. Its not their fault they didn’t say something or question. They were kids like me and it was a different time in our world. Kids didn’t speak against parents and no one talked about abuse or violence in the home. Sadly this is why we have so many of us who are survivors now. The cruelty of our parents came from the cruelty and discipline of their parents. We live what we know and patterns of acceptable behavior are formed. However, there were many adults who had both a responsibility to question and the authority to help rescue. For today though my friends both who have come into my life through Robbie, and those I have made in the virtual world of social networking; these are the people that stand by me now and accept all I am today. This is huge for me. Never before have I felt like I didn’t have to hide from anyone or hide the truth of who I am and what happened. This is my empowerment and the strand of hope that guides me through.
3) My physical health is a wreck; multiples of vertebral and spinal cord traumas. I suffer from Syringomyelia, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Obstructive Pulmanary Disease, the early stages of Atherosclerosis, Neuropathy in my hands and feet from the spinal cord damage, which caused severe burning, stinging, numbness in my fingers and toes and heels. I’m not wheelchair bound, but not far from it sometimes. There are instant migraines that can hit by simply turning my head to quick to look at something. There are many days that it’s difficult to even climb out of bed.
4) My mental health is a constant work in progress. Do I feel good about where I am today? Yes, but there are still the lasting effects from the attacks. I go through cycles of depression. Most days are pretty good, but then one morning I wake up and all I want to do is sleep it away. I get startled very easily. It freaks me out when my dog pants heavy. These days I don’t feel the need any longer to lock the bathroom door, at least most times when showering, but I still get sudden sensations of my stepfather sneaking outside the shower curtain. When I run a tub of water, I am reminded of having my head shoved under and the attempted (almost completed) drowning at 19. This happened a lot with the first of my chosen men. There are moments and memories of all the attacks that stay with me.
5) The relationships with my children are strained at best. Things happened that placed them in danger, by choices of both their father when he ran with them and me with my different abusive husband/boyfriends. Their stepfather was in my life for either years and only the first six months were pretty. There was one that struck my teen daughter and I ended up in jail for punching him in the face. There was another that threw my daughter into a closet door as he tossed her away when she was trying to defend me. There were constant days of walking on eggshells for them and worrying about if they were too loud, left their toys out, if they stomped around too much upstairs. They had dinners of waiting for the explosion or waiting for the drunk to come through the door. It was horrible for them, how can I expect us to have a healthy relationship? How can I expect them to have healthy relationships and view their life without memories, flashbacks, triggers, repeated patterns of behavior and more?
So why do I give so much of myself to staying in a positive light? I know that with my health, I’ll be lucky to have another FIVE good years. I know this reality and Robbie does as well. It’s alright, I don’t worry about the day of dying; I worry about what happens after I’m gone. Have I given all I can to try to help others learn the importance of being decent, helping to rescue and support those who live with this trauma? Is publishing my story and being an advocate with true passion enough to tell my children how sorry I am for all they had to go through? Will I really be able to build something from all of the bad that’s happened so that I can provide some type of change for the future? All the years of pain have to mean something, it cannot be just because that’s what happened. It cannot be that a soul can be so destroyed and controlled by so many different offenders and live for over THIRTY years accepting these attacks; believing that you deserved each and every single one, this cannot be my only existence in this world.
Moving into 2013 I have shared the new website, http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com I have also shared our radio show will be starting NEXT FRIDAY!!! On Jan 04, 2013 – I will be broadcasting our first show and the other hosts will be calling in to announce their programs. I’m really excited about bringing all of this to one focal point. The website, the Survivors World support group, Generation No More, it’s all coming together and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve spent the greater part of the past two years trying to decide how I really wanted to help. This provides all I was aiming at doing before the Good Lord takes me away.
Staying positive for me is absolutely necessary!!! I cannot maintain any other way. There is too much pain and dark memories that climb into my world as it is, there are too many moments of my wanted happy life that have been disrupted already. I can’t let the numerous abusers of my past take away what’s left of my life. I will not allow myself to wallow in what has been, but instead my drive and my focus is aimed at what I can try to change. In my heart and in my soul I believe there are thousands of women just like me; beaten down from a brutal life of accepting so many violent attacks. There are some still living in these types of relationships, there are others who are still living in the silent pain of what’s happened. There are millions of men who are also finally finding out it’s alright to say, ‘I Hurt’!!! We do hurt, and it sucks, but do not give in and let them win. Please take back the happy moments you deserve in this life. You are not born to be a target of others. You are not given life just so others can destroy it. Every living being has a purpose on this earth. There is life inside every heartbeat. How can we pretend that all of this means nothing?
Hopefully all of you who read this will find one strand of hope written within these truths. It’s not easy to be us, it sucks to be one who was so wrongfully abused and had an entire lifetime taken from them. How can we not try to seek out that star of ours? How can we allow someone to endure this dark pain alone? Friends, there is no other option but to keep moving forward and continue putting forth the effort to live happy!!!
May your new beginning that comes with the spirit of the New Year, 2013; be one that you grab onto and live it for all its worth. May you know unconditional love and feel the friendship of those who see your inside self and still accept who you are. May you build dreams and chase them, create them, design them, and allow them spirit to fly. I’ve given my project the name Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery because I want to help others climb out of the cocoon of their past, no matter what that past has attached. If you are unhappy in life, there is only one person who can change what is. Spread your beautiful wings and become all that you were born to be. Find the you that lives inside and wants to now have their turn. We can all find reasons and excuses why we don’t chase after better happier ways, but it shows great courage to climb out from under all the sadness and pain; picking up the puzzle pieces of your life and building, recreating, the beautiful spirit within.
Here’s to giving hope and love to your dreams come true!!! May you walk proud and with glory for all you’ve overcome.
Be magical, Be you
© Patricia A. McKnight
Fndr/Pres: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
‘My Justice’ – This is not about any legal form of justice ever received or charged in my story. The justice is in finally finding my voice and the courage to talk about all that’s happened; the impact it left on me; the cycle that moved forward to my children.
May you find peace and justice in speaking about your truth!!!
We all have something that has happened to darken our world, even those who are just regular folks and have never experienced any form of abuse or violence, still have something that has invaded their life with a cloud of bad memories. It’s really hard to focus on our present life when we have all of these dark thoughts around us; even sharing online with others and staying in the advocacy mission can keep these memories bouncing around and often they will overpower what is good.
It is painful to acknowledge what happened. To accept the pain and anger, the grieving and sadness is important to fully heal and process what has been buried for so long, but at the same time we have to remain conscious of our present day life in order to find the strength to get through this. I really find it is hardest during the beginning process of this because you have to accept the truth and come out of your dissociation and denial mode of living. There is a lot I’ve learned about living in my present life rather than being sucked into the horrible times of my past. There are many times during the days of being home alone with just my thoughts, when I find myself facing these memories. It’s during all these quiet moments of being alone that I have to work hardest at a practice I’ve been doing for about 12 years, DISTRACTING MY BRAIN FROM THE BAD!!!
The truth is WE CANNOT TAKE AWAY WHAT’S HAPPENED and sometimes it is very difficult to accept; even more so when family and loved ones shut us out, blame us, abandon us and turn away from the pain we carry. We feel as if we are in a cyclone of whirling emotions and don’t know how to stay grounded. It is indeed a tragedy of what’s been taken from you, what’s been lost in your world and the good others invaded. However, the hard part is realizing the world keeps spinning and you must find a way to go on with your life.
Finding ways to GO ON with life, doesn’t mean living in denial nor does it mean you are ignoring what’s happened; it means YOU ARE NOW IN CONTROL OF WHAT HAPPENS!!! Yes, you have choices and you are in control of how this effects your life.
1) You can whine and wallow in the horrible trauma you’ve suffered and stay in the rut of darkness. However if you choose this place you must realize the world will not stop spinning and others will go on with their life; no one will stay in the dark world and you will find yourself sinking deeper each day.
2) You also may think you have the option to take yourself out of the picture because it is too hard to deal with, but let me assure you; THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!!! If you respond to your pain and allow it to control your world, then you may think the only way to beat this is by harming yourself in some way. YOU MUST NOT ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS!!! Suicide or committing an act of harm in any way is NEVER AN OPTION!!! You leave behind pain for those who love you; your children, their future, your spouse or partner; these are the people who want to be part of your life and want to make fresh happy memories with you, which will ease the pain of your past when you allow them to blossom!!!
Do not allow the abusers of your past to have control over your future. Build something better for yourself. Chase the life you were meant to have and replace those bad thoughts with positive, happy, loving memories of your children or what you want to have in your life. No matter how difficult it may get, and it is very difficult at the different stages of acceptance and healing, but never allow yourself to be over powered by these dark memories. Never give in to the thoughts of being overwhelmed, reach out to connect with anyone when these thoughts begin to take control. You may not believe there are people who depend on you to make them complete and happy, but every soul in this world has at least one person who needs them and loves them unconditionally.
There is a lot we fear; a lot we are angry about; a lot of things can set off a feeling of panic, this is now just a part of who we are. No one can erase or change what has happened. Believe me I wish there was a way to make it all just disappear, but there isn’t. None of us can turn back the clock and what would you do if you could? You would still be that same person faced with the same fear, so why be stuck in that time?
It’s important for anyone who struggles with depression, PTSD, flashbacks, or bad dreams and memories to seek out what is good in their life now. A few important things to focus on, which may help you fight through:
1) Are you in a safe environment? Remembering that you are now safe and no longer have to fear another attack is vital. Although you may be dealing with painful memories or flashbacks of what happened, you can always direct your focus and control your thoughts to feel the area of safety around you now.
2) Who are those you can turn to when things feel overwhelming? Creating this list, complete with phone numbers, will give you a quick go to list of someone who can brighten your moment during your time of need. When you build this list take extra time to think of your partner/spouse; determine if you can talk to them about your darkest thoughts. You want to talk and help them understand why you bounce back and forth between happy and depressed times. It makes it easier for them to stick it out and support you or help you through.
3) What are the positives in your life now? You want to think about your life and where you are now. Not only are you safe and loved, but what about your ability to keep food, clothing, shelter, for you and your family. Our world is in economic crisis right now, so if you can manage those three vital parts of surviving you are doing much better than some others in our country. Many are without housing, hungry, out on the streets or living in their cars. Many do not have jobs of any form to keep a steady flow of income to ensure the necessities are being maintained. This is a HUGE POSITIVE for you and should be your main focus, especially if you have children. Also list any other positives about your life right now, such as; your professional success or the fact you have risen above any other person’s expectations. This meaning, you may have been beaten down to believe you had no value, but if you are in a career or professional status of maintaining your survival; then you have risen above what others may have tried to take away from you.
I realize this time of year is difficult for many of you, but if you are not focused on what is good around you now, then your bad thoughts will win control and the depression will become heavy. You must work at being a thriver in society, but that’s OK because everyone has to work at being a thriver. You are no different than anyone else in our society. Sure you have had bad things happen, or have family who continues to be offensive or battering to you, but if you really take control of your thoughts and where you are right now, then you become stronger with each passing moment and you will build your foundation for the life you want to achieve.
My wish for all of you at this time is that you see how truly strong you are. I wish for you to look in the mirror and see an amazing person standing there. A person who has climbed out of the darkest hole to see the brightness shining around them. A person who is stronger than anyone ever believed possible. A person who has overcome the challenges against them and have pulled themselves from the ashes of destruction and built a magnificent blossoming rose in its place. May you find a breath of strength to seek your own life and see your value, absorb the positive around you, and build fresh happy memories to replace the darkness of your past.
May you break out of your cocoon and spread those beautiful wings to fly upward to your new beginning!!!
Patricia A. McKnight
Author: ‘My Justice’
Founder/President: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
Join me in Survivors World by visiting the website above and completing the membership form. Both men and women who are victims/survivors are welcomed.
© copyrighted All information shared on blogs by Patricia A. McKnight, under the titles of Survivors Justice or Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery are held under copyright protections. Please respect the efforts to bring you this information and all that’s produced to help you succeed.
Announcing our broadcast shows & how you can get involved or support our programming!!!
It is very exciting to share we are moving forward and will be sharing our first broadcast on blog talk radio with you-
Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Radio
Jan 04, 2013 at 8 pm c.s.t.
Don’t worry I’ll be putting out the official link and invitation to our first broadcast. This blog is to let you know where we intend to go with the shows, who we are looking for to join us and more.
First off, to let you know we are looking for some other hosts who would like to take a night or two of broadcasting with us and share a specific show with our listeners. If you are interested in becoming a host, have a special show idea you’d like to bring to our programming; please contact me by emailing: email@example.com
It would be wonderful to have at least one male host and another female host join the team. Our programming is aimed at discussing all things related to family or relationship violence and/or abuse!!! We want to discuss mental health impacts, costs to our country to aide in the rebuilding and recovery process, coping skills to help you get through those bad days, education/prevention/awareness for our homes and communities.
We will also be discussing some items already initiated on the website:
1) Generation No More – Who are we and what do we hope to do?
Generation No More is a group we are building to speak publicly against all forms of abuse/violence against those we should love & protect; aiming at the crimes existing within the walls of our homes meant to protect us. Our country is coming a long way at a new awakening to the abuse/violence issues. Our media is getting more involved with sharing these reports and friends, neighbors and family are making the calls for help and rescue!!! We really want to keep this positive activity going and allow it to grow across the nation. We need to encourage everyone to get involved with this and let folks know;
‘If we see or hear an act of abuse or violence we will make a call to get help for anyone impacted or to rescue those within the home or where we see/hear these crimes committed.’
There are many who are now parents & grandparents; unfortunately, most of us know what it is like to have a parent sexually touching, raping, or using you for trafficking or other entertainment purposes. There are even more of us who know the pain our parents can inflict on us and then dismiss it by calling it ‘Corrective Parenting’. Those of us who experienced this manner of treatment know there is a huge difference between this type of brutal discipline and corrective parenting.
We also need to keep our voices reporting the violence from our partners, recording it and keeping record of the acts against us or those committed against our sons, daughters, neighbors, friends and co-workers. This is about never ignoring the signs of bruising or any intimidation that seems to be occurring. There are millions of, MOSTLY WOMEN, who know that horrible fear of being held against the wall by our throats, naked at 2am, because the husband/boyfriend came home drunk. Then to make it worse they pull a gun out and force it in your mouth or hold it to your head. Trust me, this happens during the nights of silence throughout many homes around our country. It happens to ONE in FOUR women and other forms of relationship violence happen to approximately ONE in EIGHT men – of course we can only go by the existing reports on file.
Reporting all acts of these crimes will provide better information for statistics, which then provides better information for economic impact, funding resources, education and mental health of our survivors.
Remember; these acts are cruel, terrifying; they change who the person is inside, especially if it is a child. Remember when you are with your friends the fact that at least 93% of ALL CHILD ABUSE occurs within the home of the child and by the parent or guardian of that child!!! As you look at your front door and you see the homes around you, keep in mind – ONE in FOUR homes are dealing with some for of abuse or family violence!!!
Generation No More is about no longer ignoring the truth of these actions and breaking the cycle of dysfunction and cruelty, which almost always passes forward to impact the lives of YOUR children and then to grandchildren. Why? Because it is a generational pattern of accepting these acts as normal; not seeing the destructive trained behaviors it creates in the victims and the lifelong mental health aspects victims are left to struggle through.
2) We will be bringing Survivors World to the broadcast. Many of you have probably heard me discussing the online support group I started back in Jan 2011. There is still the Facebook ‘secret’ group for women victims and survivors. However; I have also added ‘Survivors World’ to the website. The website group is open to both MEN AND WOMEN who have either been victims of child abuse and/or family/intimate partner violence, have a loved one who has been a victim, or perhaps you are trying to figure out ways to escape a bad situation. The group is about sharing information, building friendships with others like ourself, providing positive support, building goals and coping skills together; helping another soul figure out the best way to make it through and rebuild for their happiness.
You can join the online group by submitting the membership request form on the homepage of http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com
The broadcast group will be OPEN PHONES for anyone to call in and discuss a specific issue of your experience or ask for a resource of help to escape an abusive relationship. I WILL NOT BE SHARING NAMES ON THE AIR!! Whether you share your true identity or not is strictly up to you, but I will never ask you to release any of your personal information on the air!!!
I hope you will feel at ease, whether male or female, to join us for the online group and the on-air broadcast of ‘Survivors World’
(If you are a women and are interested in joining the ‘secret’ Facebook group, please message me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62
If you have taken a few moments to view the pages of our new website; you may have noticed the ‘Resouces’ page. This page holds about 20 references of help and support. Mental Health support with foundations and survivors. Recovery through connecting with Authors and Survivors who are helping others through blogs or groups. There is Creative Arts Healing Oraganizations and Survivors. We want to give you not only information to educate you about Child Abuse, Relationship Violence, Parental Abduction & Human Trafficking; we want you to have multiple resources of organizations, foundations, survivors, authors, bloggers and more to help you get through and understand there is life after abuse.
Your happiness is waiting for you to reach out and grab it and all of us deserve to have safety within our homes!!!
What I am also asking is; if you have a local or state resource in your area that you would like to share for others…..please go to the FORUM DISCUSSION on the Generation No More page and leave the listing on the discussion started by me in the ‘News’ topics!!! We want to share resources around the globe and list all links of help to encourage awareness, provide rescue, empower our parents with the ability to help their children and themselves get through the aftermath of abuse/violence.
You can also email me your local/state/global resource by sending it to firstname.lastname@example.org
**Special Note** The Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Talk Radio is looking for supporters to help us share a premium broadcast for everyone. You can be a supporter for one month of programming or a year’s worth. In return for the support/donations to help our premium broadcasting; we will give you a prerecorded commercial and share it during our broadcasts. We will also announce your organization, promote it throughout the month; help you advertise for that month with special interviews and announcements!!!
If you are interested in becoming a supporter for the talk radio programming and want to find out more about the advertising benefits for you or your organization, please email to email@example.com
I really do look forward to joining back in on the talk radio programming. I’ve truly missed connecting in voice with all of you amazing listeners. You each have a very special story to be respected and recognized for all you’ve endured. You each have a very special voice that deserves to be heard. We all need to help others by being that extended arm to hug them, support them, guide them, and most of all cheer them on!!
Here’s to the very exciting New Year 2013 and how we can change the generational behaviors of mankind to encourage a brighter, safer world for our children and grandchildren.
Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and to share any of it’s information with others. It truly all makes a difference and we need to make a very big difference in the world to come!!!
Patricia A. McKnight
Advocate/Author/Speaker/Blogger/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor
Founder/President – Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
Founder/Mngr – Survivors World Support Group Online
Creator – Generation No More
Author: ‘My Justice’
So what is this healing thing? Can we accept who we are now? What about accepting what we have either done to others or how we have impacted the lives of those who love us?
I’m thinking about where I am now, who I am now; mainly because of building the Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery project. I’ve been looking inside myself and trying to find the real me inside the damage for about five years now. It’s been hell!!!
The constant doubting myself and my ability to be me without all the mess attached; trying to get it all back together again and believe that I can help make a difference somehow. This is the struggle of people like us. This is our daily reality, it sucks!!
As I watched one of my most favorite movies this morning, “When a Man Loves a Woman” with Andy Garicia and Meg Ryan, it dawned on me that the process of dealing with an addiction, such as alcoholism as Meg was facing, and seeing how it played in her family life touched a part of me I didn’t recognize.
We’ve all done horrible things and we all have at least one thing we are ashamed of, so does this make us all similar in life? In many ways it does. Each of us has our own mess we are struggling with to keep our heads above water. Each of us is human and we all make mistakes we have to face and forgive ourselves for doing? Each of us is influenced by the ways of our childhood lessons and what we’ve learned in our adult life. To me this makes each of us more like the other than we want to admit sometimes.
At the present, I’m building my dream of providing some form of understanding, support, help for others like myself. The hardest part is believing in my ability to succeed at this and how I can build it into something really amazing. Of course I understand this cannot be done without a huge amount of support from the public. It is another huge step for this survivor and I do pray I won’t fall on my face in the process.
I’m not a perfect person and have never claimed to be one. In fact, most often I am my own worst critic and can be my own abuser. Like the millions of others who have felt this, it is darkest to see what we have done to others throughout our lives and how the choices we’ve made have impacted them. I’ve over celebrated events, such as this past 50th birthday, and then I reason away my stupidity. I’ve inappropriately yelled at my children with an undeserved voice, especially as they were growing up and stressing me out. I’ve taken and popped them upside the head when they did something senseless or talked back. However, slapping them and yelling at them can also be reasoned away as a broken parent who was merely stumbling through life not having a clue how to function in a ‘normal’ world.
‘Does this make the bad we’ve done OK, simply because we can reason it away? Can’t we reason away almost anything?’
Thankfully, my kids have all come to me separately and told me I didn’t abuse them so I can give myself a break for this, but that doesn’t mean that the choices I made and decisions to stay didn’t upset their world. My chaotic behavior brushed off on them and its taken longer for them to become functioning and stable in their world.
‘Oh how I hate what my parents created in me!!’
When I published ‘My Justice’ it was my public apology to my children; explaining to them how it all fit together and why it all matters in the big picture of who they are today and how they cope through life. It was admitting all the dark secrets I had been carrying, the guilt and the shame over what happened, but also for how it passed forward into their world.
If they could have seen inside me at 37 years old, making the decision to build a life on our own, walking away from all that had been so normal to me and a man I sincerely loved; perhaps if I had let them see me break down they too might have been able to release what was going on in them; to open up their wounds and allow them to break free from the darkness as well. I fell to my knees in our house when they went on weekend visits with their father. This was after we left their drunken stepfather, got away from the drunken boyfriend, and we were on our own.
Therapy was breaking me into pieces and everything was falling all over the ground. I was like a child trying to pick up all the jacks that had been kicked around for those 32 years. Every time I thought it was alright and I was going to make it; I would start dropping them again, losing one here or there as I went along trying to pretend I could handle all of it. I was a complete wreck. Didn’t realize it was the first time I’d ever FELT about anything that had happened, it was my first mental break down!! Work was a bitch and I under bid myself in pay status so horribly; due to my lack in self confidence and having to prove to myself that I could succeed and break out. This meant we were barely able to make it by, in fact, I had worked my way into a heavy debt trying to make up for all the bad, but I was determined to change their world. If I hadn’t gotten so sick with first the hysterectomy and then the pulmonary embolism, we might just have made it through. However, then I would never have come back to Illinois and would not have met the most wonderful man I have in this present place.
‘There is a purpose for all things; even those we do not understand”
Recovery to me is being able to see all of it for what it is and what it has done to influence the person I am today. I believe that through understanding these wounds and the horrible choices I’ve made, the problems any of us have caused others; we see ourselves in the true light of what is good in us. We don’t have to be perfect. In fact many of us will never be able to get close to that status in society, but isn’t it what we carry inside that matters most?
If we try to keep struggling to meet the standards of others and accomplish only what they expect out of us, how can we ever build our own standards and see the good we’ve accomplished in ourselves?
Recovery is being able to see your good and accept your mistakes, own them, learn from them, understand where your perceptions and mind set was when you made them and then see where it sets with you today. Do you feel the spark of a peace within? Do you have respect for yourself and the fight you’ve put forth to build something better within yourself? This is the beginning!!!
When we understand the how and why, when we admit to our imperfections and how we have been stumbling around in the dark; this is when we begin to see the light ahead. We begin to feel our soul come together as one good human being. We learn to see our reflection as the beauty within rather than the scars we carry. When we reach the point of feeling our present life instead of reacting to our past, this is our baby steps at learning how to live again. We can see the new person coming to life and we have the ability to change what we don’t like in them. We have torn down all the walls protecting that person who was battered. It is now they can begin to spread their wings. We are learning to be a new person and to believe in our possibilities. This is when we have reached the other side of the mountain and have finally been able to grow into who we were intended to be.
If you are at the stages of seeing all that has happened and being sucked into the darkness of your pain and the guilt of harming those around you, this is a dark place for you and I get that completely. You don’t have to stay there however, you can do what’s needed to come into your own person; the good person who huddles inside that block wall. Don’t worry, each of us has our own imperfections and this is who we are. Accepting them for what they are allows you to see past them and you will see the good in you as I have. You will become a new person a person you know is good and would never harm another living soul. A person who shines from within and simply puts her best foot forward each day. Will we slip and drop our jacks, of course we will? Do others have to live life constantly combatting themselves from within? I believe on some level yes they do.
Take a second and close your eyes. Think of who you were just five years ago. Think of all you’ve done that might have negatively impacted the lives of those you love and put them in danger. Now open your eyes and see who you are today, right now!!! What do you see? Would the person you are today make those same choices again or would they try to do it differently and turn it into something more positive? I believe, that most of us would do the later. This is the new person coming to life inside of you. If you like this person build on what you see in their good. Keep making it stronger and challenging yourself to do things a better way. This is how we begin to change the world, one healing survivor at a time. Every painful action matters because each one has influenced the life of another.
Remember, this is the point where every good action matters, because each one will influence the life of another!!!
Here’s to OUR new beginnings and building the person we want to thrive in our world today!!! Here’s to providing a positive influence on our tomorrow!!!