Reaching out to locals – St. Louis & Chicago

Reaching out to connect with the survivors of abuse in my local area. I would like to invite you to connect with me and also to encourage you to share your story. Dreamcatchers for Abused Children has brought me on board with their blog talk radio programming to give the survivors of abuse a place to share their story; anonymously, so that we can create a wave of awareness against these crimes across the world. There is also a safe group online that I have created for women who have been or are now suffering in the silence of abuse. We can help you to find the right contacts to give you support or work with you to find a shelter if needed; we are here to support whatever your daily situation may bring, good or bad.

You will see a link below that shows an article in the Belleville News Democrat; my story was then sent out across the country; carried in over 40 different news sites,
(i.e. washington post, chicago tribune, desert news). In February of 2011, I published my horrific story of a life stolen away by the sadistic and severely neglectful crimes of my mother and stepfather. The novel is titled, “My Justice” and it is written to give the little girl I once was the voice she never had. The abuse I suffered for twelve continuous years as a child until I finally left home at seventeen, actually trained me into a pattern of accepting the abuses against me in my adult relationships. It also trapped me in a world of covering up who I really was inside and carrying the secrets I was too ashamed and too terrified to speak about.

The pattern of life that followed for over twenty years was one of self destructive behavior involving alcohol, smoking weed, being with the wrong men, always seeking attention from men, and making a lot of the wrong choices. This unfortunately reflected on how I was as a mother and the influence my decisions had on my children’s lives. The chaos that filled the lives of my children’s home is a burden of guilt I may never be able to forgive myself for, mainly because they grew up watching their mother get beaten, degraded, seeing me drunk at times as they got older, even knowing that I was smoking weed to get through my days. How do you think my decisions as a broken soul and YOUR decisions and pattern of behavior effect your children?

This is why I am working hard to bring our survivor voices together. It is truly a deep sense of peace when you can honestly start speaking about the person you are inside. It allows you to view how the choices you have made were directly reflected by the abuses and secrets you carry. That pattern leaves a strong affect on your children’s lives and the cycle of bad behavior and abuse is carried forward. Your children are then forced to carry the secrets of what they see in their home. They feel the pain of their mother as she is getting beaten and destructed by the man she loves. It passes into their relationships and creates a pattern of bad choices and possibly shame from abuse by someone they trust.

It is my belief that the cycle of abuse will not stop until we, as survivors, create a wave of awareness and voices to speak out against it and truly start making the changes in our behavior to change the way it affects our children. This is the reason I am reaching out to all of you. Please join me on the show “Survivors Speak Out” or even join in with our women’s support group online, “Survivors World”, if you would like to have some positive and encouraging support as you start to come forward about the honesty of your past. I have provided all the links below for; my book, the blog talk radio program; and my facebook connection to join in with our private group.

We all deserve to have justice for our pain,
We all deserve to have safety and peace within our homes,
We all deserve to be loved and respected,
We all deserve to have roses in our garden of life!!
Thank you for giving your time and thought at reading this blog. I beg you now to please reach out and pass it forward. There are MILLIONS OF SURVIVORS living amongst our society and each of us has a voice inside that is screaming out for our own justice against the crimes we have suffered. Now is the time to join in with us to help spread this message. No longer will our voices stay silent and carry the secrets that will pass on to our children.
Bless you all,
Tricia A. McKnight
Author: “My Justice”
Founder: “Survivors World” women’s online support group
Blog Talk Radio Host: “Survivors Speak Out”
Dreamcatchers Blog Tald Radio Programing
Links to the above:

There are millions of survivors keeping secrets!!!

SPOTLIGHT: Ill. woman shares her story of abuse

This article was written by the wonderful journalist, Jennifer Bowen, who writes for the Belleville News Democrat. She has done a true justice to give my story such amazing impact. Thanks to her great work this story is being spread everywhere on the web. Truly honored Jennifer; this is a blessing to all victims & survivors.

BREESE, Ill. — Tricia McKnight is no stranger to domestic abuse and her mission is to share her story in the hopes it will encourage and help other women get out of violent, abusive situations.”A lot of them are like me,” said McKnight, 48, of Breese. “They were ‘trained’ to behave in a certain way and accept certain things and not think anything about it. It becomes a pattern of abuse. I spent 32 years afraid to breathe, literally afraid to breathe.”McKnight has written about her lifetime of abuse, from being abused by her stepfather as a child to physical and emotional abuse from husbands. It is all documented in her book “My Justice,” which chronicles her heartbreaking and often shocking cycle of abuse. 

She started a Facebook support group, Survivor’s World, and has helped women from around the world get connected with the help they need to get out of a violent home life. The support group is a private group and accessible by request only.”I know how hard it is to come forward with your secrets,” she said. “A lot of them are sharing their secrets for the very first time and that’s a very difficult process.”According to the Violence Prevention Center of Southwestern Illinois, domestic violence is a pattern, a reign of force and terror. It is not defined by only physical attacks but includes intimidation, threats, economic deprivation, psychological and sexual abuse. Experts have compared methods used by batterers to those used by terrorists to brainwash hostages.The last beating McKnight endured left her with a spinal cord injury.”He woke me up at 4 a.m. choking me, then proceeded to beat me with a chair,” she said. “He had been out drinking and was angry that I was in bed sleeping. The cops came and told us that one of us had to leave or both of us were going to jail.”I was furious. I was 37 years old and all I had ever experienced was violence and degradation and abuse and now I was being told I was going to jail if I didn’t leave. I made a decision that night that I was never going to tolerate this again.”She and her children moved out of the abusive household and McKnight started seeing a therapist. The therapist is the one who suggested she start writing.”I wrote to apologize to my kids for what they had to witness in their lives and how it affected their lives,” she said. “I wrote to bring about awareness about how horrible this can be for everyone involved. It’s a trained pattern of violence acceptance and my kids were learning that pattern.”In her own children, all now adults, she has seen them experiencing problems with maintaining healthy relationships and difficulties with self-confidence.”So many things have affected them,” she said. “When the abuse would start, my children would hide. My kids and I walked on eggshells for a very, very long time.”McKnight has recently been working with Susan Murphy Milano, a domestic violence survivor, radio host, lecturer, first responder trainer and author of several books addressing domestic violence, including “Defending Our Lives,” “Moving Out, Moving On,” and “Time’s Up.” The books help people in abusive situations move away from the abuse and deal with confusing situations surrounding violence prevention, stalking, breakup or divorce.”We are working on some of the legislation for documenting abuse to get these abusers convicted on these evidentiary abuse documents,” McKnight said. “You want to have proof that the violence is happening. Take pictures of the bruises and keep them on a flash drive. You have to reach out to one friend that you trust and let them know what’s going on because it is a life or death situation – it really is. I don’t know how I am sitting here alive today because I’ve been choked, almost drowned and had loaded weapons pointed at my face.”

McKnight applauded the efforts of St. Clair County State’s Attorney Brendan Kelly to improve the way his office has encouraged metro-east police departments to document domestic violence calls with video evidence to increase the ability of his office to successfully prosecute domestic violence cases, even when the victim isn’t a willing party to the prosecution.”I like the strength they are putting behind the laws,” she said. “It’s no longer just a slap on the wrist. They’ve taken it out of the hands of the victims and you know if you call the cops they are coming and they will take him and you’ll have time to get help and get support.”It’s going in the right direction, but, nationwide, domestic violence is still not getting the attention it needs. The laws are good and strong. It’s the community perception of domestic violence that needs to change. People have to remember we didn’t commit these crimes, they were committed against us. It’s nothing that we did.”McKnight said she hopes her support group and her speaking out about her own abuse and journey out of an abusive life will give others the courage to get out.”I’m not the only survivor out there. There are millions of us and a lot of them still keep their secrets,” McKnight said. “Most of them keep those secrets even from their families because they are afraid of being shunned and blamed for it.”

I encourage all victims and survivors of abuse to talk with just one person you trust to keep your secrets. If you wish, you can friend me and I will connect you with a wonderful group of women survivors. You may also like to talk with me on the air. Dreamcatchers Blog Talk Radio; Survivors Speak Out – Every Friday at 7pm e.s.t. – The link to the program is always posted on my facebook profile page and the number is listed to call in. Survivors our voices are growing so very strong and together I believe we can make a difference. Please join with us. Bless you all in 2012

Black Secrets

They don’t wear any flag or colors you can see
But we see black when they attack you and me.
Sometimes they kiss us good morning ;
Then with a hiss they strike without warning.
To others they appear so sweet & kind
If only Mom didn’t act so blind
The sickness grows inside of this soul
But he threatens me if I ever told
He stalks in the darkness; sneaking about
My soul starts to jump; churning inside & out
He is next to the bed; suddenly there looking around
The hand shoots up; then comes clasping down
Molding tight against my mouth
Keeping me quiet so that I don’t shout
There’s another hand that rips & tears at my breast
It feels like fire as it rubs on my chest
Gently at first but then so painful
The breast isn’t grown to give him his handful
The little girl is terrified and wants to cry
But she curls inside & tries to hide
If her soul can bury the feeling she has
Then she won’t feel the fury of his attack
His eyes are glowing
The devil is showing
The hand still gripping around her mouth
Grows tighter as his other hand burns going south
“Why does he hurt me so as his hand moves about?”
Grabbing, digging, probing, & pinching
Twisting & turning the hand is stinging
My sister is sleeping next to my side
She sleeps and never once opens her eyes
Mom is asleep in the room through the door
She never accepts truth & my cries are ignored
Quietly gathering in the corner of my eyes
A tear trickles down as my soul starts to die
The hand on my mouth is released just a bit
He shoves in his penis; but nobody sees it
“Where is God to attack this devil?”
“He should put him in the ground
all neat and level.”
The little girl is now tightly holding her breath
Still he pushes inside as he twists her young breasts
He pulls out so quick and grabs my hand
On my vagina is where it must land
It’s almost over she screams loud inside
He’ll soon prowl away & leave me to cry
The filth is now stained deep in my soul
But there’s nowhere to go;
I’ll be dead if I told
The nightmare is there stalking & haunting
Every morning the others are laughing & taunting
“Why can’t they see the mark left on me?”
I want to scream but there’s no way to break free
He threatens me always to keep his secret
He will kill me if ever I speak it
Throughout the years the burden of shame
Grew so deep; angry & maimed
The Lord has taken the devil away
A part of me is peaceful; finally safe
My burdened soul starts opening up
But the horror again has swung in and struck
The secret shame I’ve been forced to carry inside
Is creeping its way from where it did hide.
Finally I look at the world and scream
See my star – Now watch it gleam!!!

Written by: Patricia A. McKnight
Author; My Justice

My Justice-About the Book

This amazing story of survival will capture you from Prelude to Ending. It will shock and disturb the deepest parts of your being. In it you will walk the path of a little girl so utterly destroyed by those entrusted with her care. You will feel her strength to survive as the towns people around her ignored the child’s cry. Trecia Ann will allow you into her thoughts; her exasperating fears that haunt her soul.

Trecia Ann is an adorable little girl with bright blue eyes and long brownish blonde hair. At the age of five the sweet kindergarten child is filled with joy and innocence. Her mother spends time each morning preparing her child for school with braids in her hair and a kiss on her cheek to start her day. Her older brother is the second greatest person she knows. He is only 18 months older but in her eyes he is her hero and her best friend. Then on one cold December night however, her life would change in an instant. The cold of the winter wind would not be as chilling as the rush of fear through her body.

After spending a wonderful weekend celebrating her fifth birthday with her father and grandparents, the last happy memory would be her grandmother’s hug as she said goodbye; returning the young children to their mother and pulling away as they ran up the walkway to their door. As she went rushing inside to search out her mom and tell her about the amazing birthday presents she carried under her arms, the little girl would stop dead so fast with fear that she almost stumble over her own two feet. There, sitting on the old style 1960’s turquoise colored couch, was the devil himself. In that brief second her hairs on the back of her neck froze and the rush of fear that shot through her soul was colder than the winter wind blowing around outside.

Trecia’s mother came walking out of the kitchen to welcome her daughter with a hug, but as she stepped towards her mother she was shaken by the huge thick hands of evil reaching out for her. She stood between her mother’s legs, grabbing hold for protection. Then her mom spoke words that would haunt her forever, “Trecia Ann, honey, this is going to be your new Daddy.” Her dad was wonderful and loving, but this man had eyes so cold they shined like steel and as he reached for her, the temperature dropped and she unconsciously shook with terror.

Two months later her life would be changed forever. This devil that dominated their house would control every moment of her day and terrorize each of her nights. This man would degrade, beat, stalk, taunt, molest and rape this girl for the next twelve years. The mother she loved would no longer care if her beautiful daughter rotted in his sadistic attacks. Trecia would be denied any medical care for the filth that ate away at her skin. She would never receive any dental care or be provided with even a toothbrush. The school, the towns people and even the police would ignore, but whisper about the ugliness of this child. Her school mates, just children, would tease or turn away. The once shining bright eyes of a child now carried only pain and loneliness.

It is only after years of healing that Trecia Ann has now chosen to remove the coal stained hand that trapped and held her silent. The horrific secrets of her past and the behaviors of a “trained” abused child are now being shared. It is my own childhood of nightmares that I use to speak out for the millions of survivors who carry the terrifying traumas of their past. We all deserve to have roses in our garden of life and it is by talking that we can truly help to educated and protect those who cannot speak out and protect themselves.

You can purchase “My Justice” from the publisher direct through this link:

You can also purchase the Kindle version from or the Nookbook version from – the direct link for these are listed below:


The Love of the Mother

Many times I have written about the scars of my abuse; the “trained” behaviors that I was taught as a child. It is very hard to explain the depths of these scars because there was such an extensive amount of damage done by my parents. They were the people responsible for teaching me the right and wrongs of the world; the right way to present yourself as a decent person to others, however there was no sense of decency in our home. In fact, my home was poor with no respect for each other in our family.

The natures I was taught were of drinking at 11 with my stepfather supplying the alcohol for parties as he got my mother out of the house, but later I paid the price by having to endure his disgusting touch on my body. There was barely any food at times and if we were lucky there might be toilet paper when you went to the bathroom; if not just use whatever towel was lying around on the floor. This wasn’t because we didn’t have a decent income in our home, because my stepfather was a coal miner in the 70’s and my mother a bartender. As many people know the coal mining trade has always been a good paying job and I know from experience what a bartender can make in just a weekend of work. We had three children in the home, but even though they both worked the alcohol took most of the funds that came in. Often the rent couldn’t be paid and we would have to move every couple of years until I was about 13 and they bought a small, cheap house through a friend. A home where all of the children slept in one bedroom and the parents in another.

As a child I was always taught that my wants, needs, feelings did not matter. All that mattered in my home was that I did my job as family care taker; cooking, cleaning, babysitting, and dealing with my stepfather’s sadistic behavior. This had always been my life and I didn’t know any other way, except what I would watch on television after my sister was put to bed at night and if my stepfather was too drunk to attack me. At the age of 12 I had to quit bathing in my home because that meant leaving myself trapped and vulnerable to my stepfather’s attacks. It never mattered if my mother was home, sitting in the next room or downstairs, nothing stopped him from coming in the bathroom to tell me how to bathe, what and how to wash my body. After I had no success at getting my mother to stop him I chose to quit bathing altogether.

The next five years were spent growing up in this terrorizing childhood. No one cared that I didn’t bathe, in fact they would tell me how disgusting I was, but no one protected me either. As my young body started to decay with the filth and infected sores eating at my flesh, there were never any doctor visits to get help for my rotting skin. As my teeth were breaking off and huge black holes growing in my mouth, there were never any dentist visits or even the supply of a toothbrush. It wasn’t that we didn’t have family insurance; the UMWA supplied complete family medical and dental care, my parents just didn’t care to get me any help. The only thing my mother cared about was that her house was cleaned, dinner cooked, dishes done, my sister watched and my stepfather was kept away from her. The one person who should have done everything possible to protect and love her daughter; the person who should have taught me about being a young lady and having dreams to better myself and respecting myself, instead turned me away and allowed the sadistic abuse to continue. The filth that had grown over my body invaded my soul and created a person that I am still ashamed of to this day.

After I escaped the disgusting hell of my parents home I promised myself that I would be different. I became obsessive about not only my body’s cleanliness but also of the home in which I lived. There was nothing that was allowed to get dirty and I tried to recreate the person they had raised. My first domestic relationship turned out instead to be just another cage of violence against me even though I had done everything that I could to change the person I was. By the time I was 19 the abuses of my life had left me horribly scarred inside and out. My skin was covered with the deep scars left by the rotting flesh; my teeth broken and filled with black holes both in the front and back of my mouth. I learned to smile and use my top lip to hide the huge holes that had eaten away at my four front incisors. To me my reflection is what I hated more than those who had created me. All that I saw was a girl eaten away by the abuses of her past.

Even though I carried these scars I hid them well from anyone’s view. It wasn’t possible for me to allow them to see the person I had been. I had to convince myself and the outside world that I was a decent, kind, respectable person who had grown up with values when in fact the only thing I knew for sure was that I didn’t matter to anyone. Then I met a man who would give me a chance of dreaming that I could be someone better than who I had been. As he and I grew to love each other I would be tossed in the middle of two different worlds; one of which was filled with nightmares & filth, the other highly respected with money and decency. David didn’t know how deep the scars were, but he didn’t seem to care. He showed me only love at first, but of course this would last only until we married and left the area I called home.

He was military so right after we married he left to set up house in our new place of duty, England. It would be three months before I could go over to join him and the man who picked me up from the airport was not the same man I had married. It wasn’t that he was physically abusive, instead his entire demeanor had changed. This man who had met me while sitting drunk at the bar every night had now become this vision of his family; highly respectable and expecting of my appropriate behavior. Unfortunately I was pregnant and our fist child was due within just a few months of arriving. There wasn’t much I could do but hope that it would work out for the best and our children would be happy.

When my son was born there was something that had changed inside me. I wanted to be the perfect mother; loving, affectionate, protective and doting. Everything about becoming a mother thrilled me. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to give him the best of his mother. He was teaching me how to be a decent human being, but the scars of my abuse would never heal. I had been taught that my feelings didn’t matter, so even though I didn’t much care for the way our household was being ruled into perfection there was never a word of that shared with my husband. I felt that my unhappiness with him would only bring pain to my son and destroy his perfect home.

The next four years were spent trying to hide everything I disliked about our marriage and no matter what my husband expected of me, his needs and desires would always be met. I was the perfect housewife and mother; I had taught myself that this was my new life; for my son, and my new baby girl, it was worth any sacrifice to keep them happy, loved, and safe. Their father was a good provider although there wasn’t much of his attention that he gave to his family. His focus was on what was good for his career and he would achieve that goal at any price. When we were preparing to come back to the states and our tour of duty in England was coming to an end, he walked in the door one evening and as he sat down at the prepared dinner table he simply stated, “We are going to the Netherlands for another 18 month tour.” There was no discussion about this, in fact I didn’t even know he was thinking about doing this. We had only discussed going state side again and getting stationed around his family so that our children could get to know their grandparents and grow up in a stable home. Now out of nowhere he was taking us to a country where we couldn’t even speak the language. To me this was devastating. I was already growing more depressed with each of the lonely days spent in England.

Our whole marriage began to disintegrate with this one decision he had made. All I wanted was to raise my children in a home where they wouldn’t have to keep moving around; leaving friends and everything they knew with each new place. Their father had taken my dreams, which we had talked about many times together, and shattered them in front of me. My only choice was to follow him, be with him and keep my family together. His goals for his career began to cloud the dreams of his family, but in his “all about me” attitude this did not matter. When we arrived in Holland, the Netherlands, my children and I were so desperately trying to find stable ground to regroup and put our family back together.

We spent 14 of the 18 month tour over there with him, but I was just going through the motions of the marriage. The man I trusted to honor my wishes and hold our dreams together had thrown all of it away for a move to better his career in the military and put my family in danger. The entire area was on high risk alert of terrorist attacks from the bombing of Grenada. The searches and constant sirens of preparedness would push me deeper into isolation and depression. As I spent my days spotlessly cleaning my house, baking, cooking, sharing time with my children; the depression would just continue to grow. Their father never said a word or questioned what was wrong as I cut off my hair within inches of my scalp; shutting myself away from anything except running errands with my kids and doing the best a wife and mother could do. He didn’t seem to care that the woman he supposedly loved was falling apart right before his eyes. He went into work each day with perfectly ironed uniforms and our life on the outside met all of the expected behaviors of the perfect military family, but I was the one who was sacrificing all of myself for that image he demanded.

After 14 months I begged him to send the kids and I back early to visit with my family, which I now desperately missed my mother and wanted only to be around people I knew again. It took a lot of debate, but he finally gave in and with that four months of distance between us our marriage would fall apart and end in our first divorce. He had no problems with agreeing to my having custody of our children. He had no problems with me keeping them in the town I had grown up in and around the people I had grown up with. He was moving on with his career and he didn’t much worry about spending any time for visits with them. When he had authorized leave it was spent elsewhere and not by coming to see his children or even calling them; but of course they were still babies then. He didn’t seem to worry about the care they were getting because he knew how devoted I was to them and how much they meant to my survival as a person, but six months later when I had attempted suicide I was concerned about myself for the first time in my life.

Living back around my parents was more of a nightmare than I had expected it to be. My stepfather stalked me and would hang out where I worked, inviting every man in the bar to screw his daughter and tell him all of the details. He would stalk around my house at night and then offered to supply me with assistance in finances, but only at the same price I had paid as a child. Everything about the person I had tried to create was falling apart inside me. The perfect mother and wife I had been was now grasping at every string to hang on each day. The house was still clean, my children still well cared for; but I was being drawn back into the bar life of late nights out drinking and smoking weed. This is the person I didn’t want my children to know. They were sweet, loving and innocent and they deserved only the very best of childhood. Inside I didn’t feel capable of giving them that person any longer and one night I downed about 80 mg of valium by chasing it with a half bottle of tequila. It struck me that my children would wake and be alone until God only knows when someone would check in on us; so I called a friend to come help me save my life and went to see my first therapist two days later.

It was then that I called their father to come and take them until I could go back to school and get the education I needed to better support them. He hadn’t even called since the divorce, but I knew that he would protect them until I could better myself and get them back. However; when my babies left a few days later I completely fell apart and could no longer function or even think about how to begin over without them. It led me to calling their father, apologizing for ruining our marriage and begging him to take me back. At that point I would have done anything to be back around my children. Inside I felt desperate to get away from the parents that had destroyed the person I should have become. Their dad was setting up life in Maryland and quickly he accepted me back as his wife, but of course that came with the high expectations of perfection. I still had not gotten the much-needed therapy and healing, because when I had gone to the first appointment and talked in front of my mother about the abuses I had been taught to accept, she turned on me; slapped me and told me if I talked about the family in that manner again she would make sure that I was shut out completely. For whatever reason, my mother was the one person I couldn’t go against.

Reuniting with my children after that six weeks apart was the most exciting thing in my world. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do to keep their world safe, happy and perfect. I went back into the arms of a man I no longer trusted and felt our love would somehow heal. Quickly I became pregnant with our third and we once again shared the vows of marriage. In my heart I didn’t know if I could truly pull this off again, but I was desperate to try. During my pregnancy I went back to get my G.E.D. and then on to trade school for a degree in business management and accounting. I carried my still broken teeth and my scarred skin, along with the deep emotional wounds that had never healed, and went back to being the perfect wife and mother. My children were my world and each day was beautiful so long as they were in it.

Unfortunately it didn’t take long for the marriage to start to change. Once again his actions were turning my stomach and it was all I could do to get in bed with him each night. My degree was useless at this point because the cost of daycare was more than I would start on a pay scale. When our finances began to struggle I offered to go back to bartending part-time so I could earn the extra money we needed. As I got back into working a couple of nights a week and started making friends with some of the wives that came into the bar; they began inviting me along for girls night out. At first I would call to get permission to go out after work, being sure to ask if the kids were sleeping soundly before I agreed to go along. Then it became a regular routine, but my husband would begin to demand his needs be met at home. His actions were becoming more and more perverted towards me; treating me like I didn’t matter and calling me his whore in bed as he made love with me. This all came to a close one night when a handsome young bouncer swept me up for the evening and I cheated on the man waiting at home. That one night; that night that I became the person my parents had created; that night has never been forgiven in my own soul. It was that one night that changed everything in my children’s world.

Their father kicked me out of the house, stole my children and left the state with them. He packed up the three bedroom townhouse filled with eight years of collecting together and my entire world was gone. My drunken, stupid decision to allow myself to be taken in by the man who seemed so kind, would turn out to be the biggest mistake of my life. It not only left me abandoned in a state far from anything I knew with nothing but a basket of clothing, but that would be the destruction of the happy, innocent children I knew. Their father would fill their heads with horrible tales of their mother not wanting them; not loving them; leaving them for someone else more important. When I moved to the state where he was staying with his parents; arriving with my basket of clothes in a 10ft U-haul and $30.00 in my pocket, I had no clue how I was going to survive or what I would do, but I was there for one reason and that was to be around my children with the dream of getting them back in my arms.

He was furious that I had arrived only 3 miles from his parents home. As I started to build a life there he asked me to come back for a third try at our marriage, but it infuriated me that he would even think I would go that round after he had stolen my children and filled their heads with his lies. He had refused any contact with them for six months, even though I would drive the four hours to see them before I finally moved to chase after them. I didn’t have the confidence in myself at first to think I could survive with them on my own, but I knew that I couldn’t live without them in my life so I chased him to Pennsylvania and started putting a life together from absolutely nothing. It didn’t take long before he was willing to bring the kids for visits on my days off, but when I turned him down that night all bets were off. He became the vindictive man who I always known and the threats against my life would come with calls in the middle of the night. He would tell me, “Bitch you are only still alive because I am a nice person. At any time they could find your body floating down the Allegheny river.”

For four years I watched as he would beat my children leaving handprints on their cheeks or bloody noses for bickering with each other. I would repeatedly take him to court only to be shut down by the power his family held with their money and prestige as their older son was a partner in the law firm which defended him. He ran off once again with my children to Oklahoma, leaving just a phoned in message on my desk that he had left with them. The system was taking half of my pay each month to pay for child support and I was ordered to maintain their medical insurance as well. This order continued although no one would help me defend or even force him to move back to Pennsylvania with them and maintain the visitation that was ordered. I felt completely overwhelmed and helpless against him and his family’s money. The six months he spent in Oklahoma with a new wife and my children had caused irreversable damage. The children had been abused by her and her sons while they were there and my own son was terrified of me by the time he brought them back. It broke my heart when I took cookies to his class for his fourth grade birthday and he moved behind his chair for protection refusing even the slightest motion of a hug from his mother. The man who I had created these three beautiful children with had destroyed who they were inside; defending their father’s beatings as, “I deserved it – I was bad!” It took four long years of fighting and being there; accepting all of his threats and his family’s put downs before he finally gave up and sent them back to live with me.

There was already too much damage to the mother/child bond we had before. The years of weekend and holiday visits could not repair the lies he and his family had fed them during that time. To this day I still carry that huge mound of guilt deep inside for the pain I caused them and the destruction of their happy world. Their father still maintains that he has done nothing wrong to harm them; nothing wrong against their mother; nothing wrong in his perfect image of himself. The relationship between my children and I still has not healed, even after the more than 10 years of their mother providing the food, shelter, love, encouragement and support to guide them through. They refuse to see the disrespect they show towards me and the constant straining to maintain a relationship with them is tearing me apart. There is nothing I can ever do to repair what has been done, but I feel that even the slightest bit of truth from their father about me would somehow change what they see. As I view them today and watch them grow in their adult world, it saddens me to know that I am just someone they view as, “not that perfect mother” they once had, but instead someone they can attack with hatred in their words and stabs at my heart of disrespect. They have no endearing love for the mother that carried them, nurtured them, and loved them with every part of her being. They only view what I must do to help them in their lives because of that attachment I still carry so deeply in my heart.

I know how badly I have let them down and I know the damage they carry from the mistake I made so many years ago, but there is nothing I haven’t done to try to make up for what we lost. There is nothing I haven’t tried to provide them and nothing that will ever heal that horrible loss that I feel of the mother/child bond that their father and his family so determinedly destroyed. For all of the mother’s that continue to fight the system for their children against the odds of ever getting them back; I beg you to never give up. Although the relationship may never be the same and the scars of the abuse you carry may never heal, it is your children who wait for you and that is a fight worth enduring. I pray for your success at winning the fight to gain back your children. A mother deserves the chance to rebuild that love with her children. There is no greater loss than the love lost of a child towards the mother who knows no happiness without them.

A Survivor’s Words

A Child’s Story of Abuse

A Woman’s Story of Domestic Violence

A Survivor’s Honesty about the

Crimes and their Scars

There are many different sites that will provide you with statistics about Child Abuse and/or Domestic Violence. The majority consensus is that 80% of our children will be or have been a victim of Child Abuse. Also, one in four women live as victims of Domestic Violence.  In my life there was a total of 32 years of abuse; surviving 12 years of brutal sadistic torture from my stepfather; continuous severe neglect from my mother; and then 20 years in multiple abusive adult relationships. In the novel “My Justice” , I have finally removed the hand that has kept me silent for over 40 years about the abuse I’ve survived and the scars it has left on my soul, my skin, my mental well being. This story is meant to give it’s reader a honest look into the thoughts, feelings, and trauma of a child so completely controlled by terror while all of her basic needs for existence were disregarded. The simple necessity of a toothbrush, a smile, a tender moment of kindness; all of the most simple things in her life were ignored; especially that need of safety. This story will suck you in and allow you to feel the pain of this child; her struggles just to survive in her home each day.

As she grows to become a decayed person inside and out; you will feel her need and walk through her life as she searches for that one true person to support and love her. You will be able to share the desperate need of this true survivor as she walks from one abuser to the next in her life. When she thinks she will be rescued from her home of torture; it becomes just another cage of control. When she finds the one to father her children; you will feel the depression as his actions of emotional and financial control rule her world. Walk through her adult life and see the multiple of violent abusers that hide behind the promise of true love, but instead threaten, beat, and attempt to take away the very breath of her soul.

The survivor in her is determined to provide her children with love and safety, but she lacks the skills and training of a good parent. You can step into her family and see how the scars of her abuse have caused pain, chaos, trauma in the lives of her children. Through the help of a friend, she finally makes that choice to escape from the madness of evil. Her spirit will push through that path she was trained to follow. She is able to escape and tries desperately to become the woman, mother and person she was truly born to be. Her strength fights each day to conquer the nightmares as she struggles to provide that safe, loving home that her children deserve. The choices of men come and go; disrupting the home she creates for them. When she feels that her world is finally safe you will also be sucked into the sadness she has when her health is what fails her now. Once again she is left with three children to care for and no way of making that possible. She reaches out for the needed love of her mother, but finds only the mother who had neglected her cries and left her to rot; the stepfather who continues to stalk and haunt her nights; this is all that she has left.

She returns to her home determined to be safe and bring her children back. Again she will fight to rebuild her safe world and attempt to guide her children into adulthood. It takes strength and time, but when she reaches the end of her violent path she will become successful at being a survivor, reaching her happiness, and also feeling that true sense of safety as true love comes into her life. His tenderness and love support her as she heals to find her voice. You will want to stand for this survivor as she continues to grow; now speaking out for all victims of these silent crimes. The strength of this story will fill your soul as the author shares the nightmares that haunt her sleep; the flashbacks that haunt her days; and the peace she is determined to give all survivors of these traumas.

This author and survivor, Ms. Patricia A. McKnight, is asking you now to read her story in the novel, “My Justice”, and give your voice to stand up for the millions of those who are trapped in the forced silence of abuse. It is time for us all to put and end to these continued crimes of silent torture. It is now that she requests us all to be aware of those around us; protect and help the lost souls of all abuse victims. As you read her story, you will feel how lost; abandoned; threatened; tortured these victims can be. Let her story provide you with the insight and knowledge you need to be vigilant and stand up against these heinous crimes. If the silence continues then the scars of these crimes will continue to affect the lives of our children. It is only by talking about the affects of these crimes that we can create a safer world for them.

My Justice

is a brutally honest glimpse into one woman’s struggle to overcome the abuse – and its long-term effects – that nearly comes to define her. It offers a powerful narrative and stirs the emotions of fear, sadness, desperation; strength, happiness, and finally peace. Safety!!!

About the Author

Patricia A. McKnight is a survivor of abuse who is driven to speak out and help empower other survivors from similar environments. She acts as an advocate, encouraging all to speak about their experiences so that we can educate others about the horrible cycling affects of abuse.

If you would like to connect with me or possibly discuss a speaking arrangement

please email:  

You can also connect with me via Facebook

Follow me on Twitter


You can view the First Five Chapters Free
when you check out the links below

Published through Authorhouse Publishing Company

Copies of “My Justice” can also be purchased directly through

May you have roses in your garden of life!!

Child Abuse – Speak Out

Dear World:
Inside, in secret, we all support the efforts against Child Abuse.  However; it seems as though no one wants to be the big star who speaks out publicly against this tragedy.  Every day we see commercials to end abuse against animals, which I also highly support.We also see the commercials about helping to feed & educate the children in other countries; also another cause I agree with. In our America, the land of free speech, it appears that to speak out against Child Abuse is something we are all afraid to publicly support. Even I used to be afraid to speak about the crimes committed against me and go against the people who committed them. 
Each and everyday there is one of three children who will be abused in some form. It may be a beating, sexual assault or neglect. These children have to face their abusers each day. They have to learn how to function at school without speaking against their abuser. Each evening they worry if they will be attacked again. At night they don’t get to lie safely in bed for a good nights sleep after having dinner, a bath, and doing homework like many of their classmates. These children have worry constantly!!!! There is never a peaceful moment of childhood happiness in their hearts. They may be the child that is responsible for helping take care of their siblings and maybe even their abuser. They do not get time for homework or when they do they can’t really concentrate on doing it properly. They don’t have kindness around them or encouragement to move forward and make the best of who they can be in this world. Instead, they are taught to believe that they are worth nothing. Trained to believe that they deserve nothing good in their lives; that they don’t even deserve love!!! Is this really how we want our next generation to grow in this world.
Children are a very special gift. They deserve all of our support, all of our love, all of our guidance. It’s hard in our busy lives to dedicate time to spend with our children, but all it really takes is just an ounce of effort each day. My children did not have a perfect life, but they did know that they would have dinner as a family together each night. That we could discuss what they did each day at school or just a simple chat over how their day was. They knew most of all that they were loved, even with the divorce of their parents. It wasn’t perfect and yes they still had some issues as they grew, but the most important was they knew they could depend on their parents to protect them, love them and try to guide them through with the best of our ability. It’s my opinion that those few little constants in the lives of our children will make a big difference. None of us are perfect, but in the eyes of our children we don’t have to be. All they really need from us are the basics of life which we all deserve and need.
My life was destroyed by the severe child abuse I survived. It left scars that ate away at me for most of my life; in fact, there are a lot of those scars that I still deal with each day. My mother’s severe neglect left me physically rotting away while a skin infection from not bathing ate deep holes in my skin that covered most of the area on my arms and legs. She also denied me any medical or dental care, but we had excellent insurance through the mine workers union. There was never any care for my physical hygiene or a few simple lessons on how to take care of myself. She never supplied a toothbrush for me or took me to see a dentist, even though by the time I was 15 I had black holes covering what should have been my incisor teeth and my back teeth were literally breaking off in my mouth as I chewed.
My stepfather controlled every moment of my life for twelve years, until I finally left home at seventeen. He viciously attacked me sexually and physically; he also loved to see the fear in my eyes at the threat of his continuous attacks. He chose to use a little girl as his personal whore and trained her to believe that all of the acts he committed against her were her crimes and would never be forgiven by anyone, not even the Lord above. His abuse not only scarred me emotionally, but has also sparked a forever fear in me that my death would some how be punished for what I did in my childhood. This was from a man that was studying to be a minister before he met my mother. His threats invaded not only this life, but have also triggered fears in what would be my afterlife as well.
Through the link I’ve provided here, you will find a YOUTUBE video that I’ve created>>>> . Yes, much like me and my nature, it is imperfect; but so deeply sincere. In this short eight minute video you will see the physical scars left on me by the neglectful abuse of my mother. You will hear me discuss the emotional scars of the physical and sexual trauma, also you will hear how they passed forward to invade my children’s lives. You will  hear me discuss a cause of awareness that has been created. There are many causes out there, but I believe that STOP WHISPERING goes directly to the very important issues of the forced silence of these crimes. If everyone would simply adjust their mode of thinking; these crimes are AGAINST our children, NOT COMMITTED BY THEM. Society leaves the survivors of these crimes to feel ashamed instead of feeling strong about who they are and what they had the courage to survive!!! Children’s minds are so inspiring, their trust and belief that we will care for them and love them is the statement of true unconditional love, but what is most amazing is their courage to survive these crimes and carry those secrets around with them forever. Always we make them feel that it is not proper for them to discuss these issues, unless it is in private with a therapist.
Out of all of the wonderful public figures we have in our society and all the praise that we give each of them; are there no voices out there that want to stand proudly and speak out publicly to help bring awareness to the horrific nature and scars of these crimes?  How do we find that public figure? How do we gain their attention and get their voice? Is it something that we must pay for? Isn’t this subject serious enough that we can influence at least one of those great, amazing stars or public figures to join with the voices of the victims and survivors of these crimes?
I AM ASKING EVERYONEGO TO >>>CAUSES.COM/STOP WHISPERING  >> simply click the link and join with our voices to help change our children’s future. It is really up to us as parents and grandparents to protect the lives of our children. It is up to the survivors to speak publicly about the crimes they survived and for society to stop shaming us and instead place that disgust and blame on the heads of the predators and abusers who haunt our children.
If anyone would like to contact me, please direct an email to:, if you are on Twitter my user ID is triciagirl62 or you can find me on Facebook at . If you would like to find out more about me or my horrifying story, it has now been published in the novel “My Justice”. You can find this novel on the following sites, / / / google books. Thank you for lending me your time. I know how busy life can be but spend time and talk with your children about the issues of abuse, in school and at home. Teach them that they have a voice and that they are strong; they can speak against ANYONE who may be hurting them or touching them in ways they shouldn’t.
It’s time to speak out for our children world, PLEASE HELP ME DO THIS!!!!
Sincerely wishing for all of your moments to be safe and happy. You never truly know the importance of safety in our lives until you no longer have that control. When you lay your head down in FEAR each night instead of peaceful, happy, comfort; then you know what survival is all about. For the survivors of abuse, I say to you: “If we carry the secrets of our abuse, then we also carry that shame.” Please gain your courage and speak out to protect the children of our future. Everyone must be aware of the children around them, in their neighborhood; be watchful and protect them. Don’t allow abuse to go unnoticed, unreported!!
Thank you,
Tricia McKnight
Author: “My Justice”

My Justice – A Child’s View of Abuse

A Child’s Story of Abuse

A Woman’s Story of Domestic Violence

A Survivor’s Honesty about the

Crimes and their Scars

According to the victim’s assistance organization Safe Horizon, one in four women will experience domestic violence during her lifetime. A survivor of such abuse, novelist Patricia A. McKnight offers an empowering narrative in My Justice (published by AuthorHouse).

We are the survivors of a different time. A time when the man ruled the household and the children were seen but not heard. It was very different than anything my children and hopefully your children have ever known. The teaching back then was that nobody ever spoke of their pain or problems in public. We didn’t go to therapy sessions for help. We just followed the teachings of our parents and held true to the knowledge they gave us.

Trecia Ann lives her life torn away from one family and abandoned by another. Her battles are fought with only her determination to change and grow as a woman and mother. Through 32 years of trauma, brutality and sadness she shows tremendous beauty as she struggles to gain back the happiness that has been robbed from her.

My Justice is a brutally honest glimpse into one woman’s struggle to overcome the abuse – and its long-term effects – that nearly comes to define her. It offers a powerful narrative that shows a path away from fear and pain for anyone suffering from abuse – child, spousal or sexual.

About the Author

Patricia A. McKnight is a survivor of abuse who is driven to speak out and help empower other survivors from similar environments.  She acts as an advocate, encouraging all to speak about their experiences without fear of retribution or judgment. 

If you would like to connect with Tricia McKnight or would like to set up an interview, please email

You can also connect with me via Facebook at

Follow me on Twitter @triciagirl62

You can view the First Five Chapters Free of “My Justice” or

Published through Authorhouse Publishing Company

Copies of “My Justice” can also be purchased directly through

May you have roses in your garden of life!!

The Strength of Survivors

It isn’t just my story that is speaking out through “My Justice”.  Instead it is a story of so many others living in the aftermath of times when child abuse related to almost 95% of all children. This wasn’t just sexual assaults of molestation & incest, but a severe physical pain inflicted by mothers and fathers to keep control of their households.

There are so many of us, from the past, who are now coming forward with our stories. The survivors are speaking and reaching out to tell the world this is wrong.  This is an evil crime against us, but we were taught and ruled to not discuss those secrets.  Our entire lives have been effected by carrying these secrets.  Also the true person we should have grown to become was forever changed in that instant of the first attack.  The child of sexual assault or severe physical trauma will die inside and as a result the decisions processes are distorted from that point forward.  Professionally a lot of us succeed, but personally we struggle in silence, break down in private, hide our true soul from those around us. The more traumatic the event the deeper the destruction.

When I speak out there are those in the background who have joined me.  Friends who are also gaining courage to face all of the nightmares.  Together we provide an environment of love and healing; providing peace for our soul.  This has brought an amazing response to my cries against the pain of abuse.  These survivors have felt those feelings of deep fear.  Their safety was completely surrounded with violations of severe attacks; they have survived the sadistic physical and sexual abuse and give me the fierce energy to reach out to others.  There is a responsibility to pass forward that same energy and fight to educate others; to empower our children with the ability to protect themselves.

Society needs to recognize that for all of us who choose to speak, there are thousands still keeping the silent shame.  These are people who have fought to change who they were.  They may feel their threat in different ways now. The fear of being torn apart professionally; threatened by the abandonment of any family relationships they might have.  There are those who are trapped in their past and no longer have the strength to fight their demons and we have to accept that many may still be in danger.

It is through their strength that I am hopeful of making a change.  A stand to open our eyes and be watchful of the children around us; to stay aware of the reality in front of us.  It is necessary for us to continue pushing education of these crimes.  Letting our children know that the people around them will watch out for their safety.  We can give them the reassurance that we will be there for them; give them the confidence and belief that they are allowed to reach out for help.  We can protect our children and grandchildren by teaching and talking.

When we join together to bring both education and communication we can grow as mothers; fathers; aunts; uncles; friends and professionals who can use their nightmares to teach others.  We can develop a bond of protection around those who will be our future.  We cannot allow the continued rejectful reaction towards these victims.  All of us should be allowed to live our lives with the sense of safety; something which is as much needed as food and shelter.

Thank you to all of those who are standing beside me now; the new friends I have made and to those who will come in my future.  The past is gone; the feelings are now only memories.  These memories cannot attack me, but they will always be with me.  They are always living quietly inside until some split second will bring them to the surface; some may even cause that same remembered threat of the touch, which is how most survivors are affected.  Each day I live in my reality; accepting my past instead of pushing it away. I accept the memories and moment of panic that will always haunt me. Through each of my days I push forward and look for the day when our children can grow peacefully in their world.

Please Talk – Please Educate – Please be Watchful
Please – Stop Whispering!!
written by: Patricia A. McKnight
Author: My Justice
There is a cause I created last year. Please visit and give your voice!!
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