Devils of my childhood no longer protected

Have you ever thought about going public with the names of your abusers? Have you thought about finally holding them accountable for what they did and what you were forced to endure?

This has been heavy on my mind for quite some time. I’ve shared the horrific details, which have been compared by incredible people, to the horrible life of Mr. Dave Pelzer, New York Times Best Seller – ‘A Child Called – It’.

So I think to myself many times over what else is there for me to share, what else do I have to work through to get this finally released from my soul so that I can live free from all the ugly secrets? There is only one secret left which plagues me constantly, the names of those two people who were responsible for my well being, nurturing, teaching me to become a capable young adult and healthy mother for my own children.

THESE TWO PEOPLE WERE EVIL NOT LOVING PARENTS AS THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN!!!

Why should their identities be protected? Why did I change their names when I published ‘My Justice’? Why did I call it a ‘novel’ rather than the truth of what it actually is, an AUTOBIOGRAPHY? It is every possible memory I have held deep inside for years, the memories that trapped me in a world of darkness.

Well today, after talking with one absolutely strong and amazing justice fighter, who has given me her blessing as a friend, an angel who has come into my life; one person I have followed for almost a year now on Linkedin but never dreamed would ever have any interest in my story, the amazing Ms. Dana Hoffman!!! Who is a lucky girl today to have this voice in my corner?

OK, first things first….

Why did I publish ‘My Justice’ and list it as a novel? When I published this horrific story of my life, I made it clear on the back cover; ‘this is the true story of one woman’s fight for survival. It has been created from her memories & nightmares.’

To me at the time this went into publication, Feb 2011, I had a major problem with seeing the word ‘AUTOBIOGRAPHY’ as a conceded comment about myself. Somehow when I looked at that particular word it terrified me, part of this was also wrapped up in DISSOCIATION. If I called it a ‘novel’ I didn’t have to feel connected to all of the horrifying evils of abuse & torture as written out from the memories & nightmares, the self destruction of what I endured. Also, what made my story any different from what so many others have endured? What made me so special that I wrote out my journey of hell and the vicious maltreatment of various levels of abuses inflicted?

If you are not aware, it is difficult enough for survivors of abuse to feel anything special about themselves. It is almost unfathomable to think we hold anything of value that others are interested in hearing, much less publishing a full life story about these brutal acts. So, it was SAFE for me to call it a novel; it was typical of me to put myself much lower than any other deserving being; I WAS TRAINED THROUGHOUT MANY YEARS THAT I HAD NOTHING ANY OTHER PERSON WOULD BE INTERESTED IN HEARING. I HAD AN ENTIRE COMMUNITY ABANDON ME IN THIS HELL FOR TWELVE YEARS, SO THEY DROVE HOME THE WORDS OF MY PARENTS —-

‘NO ONE WILL CARE AND NO ONE WILL EVER HELP YOU’ – ‘YOU DESERVED EVERYTHING YOU GOT’!!

Did I really deserve all of their evil? Did a five year old girl deserve to be viciously molested and tortured in front of her brother and two other neighbor boys? Did that child also deserve to be terrified into silence, threatened that if she spoke of what happened he would be sure and get her back, maybe even kill her? Did I deserve to be trained as the family slave, answer that little brass bell when it rang, no matter what I was doing? Did I deserve to be trained in how to entice grown men at the age of 11? Did I deserve to be traded off for the price of a couple of beers, just to satisfy his sick sadistic power over me? Did I deserve to be ripped apart with a shotgun barrel at just 12 because I went begging for my mother’s help? Did I deserve for school mates to come to our house and be forced to give oral sex to them? Did I deserve to be the entertainment at the late night adult male parties held at our house, while mother stepped in her bedroom to watch tv, then told I was the one who wanted to join the party? Did I deserve to be trained into being his whore, the one he could control and act out his dark evil against? Did I deserve to be left to physically rot away in mother’s lack of caring for the little girl she brought into this world? Did I deserve to be treated like trash, less than dog shit on the street by almost everyone who came into my life? Did I deserve for the girls at school not to friend me, but instead to whisper, point, degrade me even further? Did I deserve for teacher’s to belittle me for not having homework done or not knowing the answer to the classroom question? Did I deserve the law enforcement to drive by our house when the fights started with a raging evil drunk, but not stop and see who was being harmed? Did I deserve for everyone to shun me, call me ‘THE VILLAGE WHORE’ rather than seeing me as a CHILD; a little girl trapped inside a house of horror? REALLY, did I deserve to be a slave, a sex object, a disgusting example of what other children should NOT be? DID I DESERVE FOR THE FAMILY FRIENDS, THE VISITORS, THE TEACHERS, THE LAW, THE ENTIRE F’N TOWN TO DISCARD ME?

Tell me town’s people of Freeburg, HOW WOULD YOU DEAL WITH THIS IF IT WERE YOU OR YOUR CHILD? What made me so much less worthy than others of your caring and your help?

SO HERE GOES THE FINAL RELEASE OF MY SECRETS…..

My mother who allowed her daughter to be used, abused, raped, beaten, left her to rot, never supplied so much as a toothbrush and never did any single measure to protect her, simply gave her to the man she married, the man whose own adopted son warned her about his vicious evil – MONA WHITE. Mother you let everyone believe that you were the victim in that house, that you had no control over what happened and poor little you had to deal with the drunk, but I know the truth!!! TRUTH – he was putty in your hands. He would have done anything for you to act as if you loved him. He was your husband, not mine. He was never attacking to you, but YOU ALLOWED him to attack your daughter almost every single day for an entire twelve years. You, Mona White, allowed him to bring men to our house, you went into the bedroom and watched tv, then blamed the child because she was ordered by him to take part, you said she wanted it. You allowed him to take me on your dates together when I was just around 12 years old. You sat in the chair as he took me on the dance floor and in front of every adult in the place, rubbed himself on me and ‘taught’ me how to move my hips & ass so it felt all good to him. You, Mona White, allowed the infection on my skin to eat away at me for three continuous years before you took me to see ONE DOCTOR, but you never took me back and never cared again about the filth that covered my flesh. You, Mona White, allowed me to get detention in Freshman year because you couldn’t give me TWO DOLLARS to buy a can of deodorant. You sat at the kitchen table, looked me in the eye and said, ‘if you’d take a fucking bath then you wouldn’t stink so fucking bad.’ YOU never kept him out of the bathroom so I could safely bathe, you never stopped him from coming into my room at night. When you worked the bar you were too caught up in all the attention you were receiving to give a shit about the drunken pissed off man you just sent home to your children. YOU WERE NOT THE VICTIM – YOU WERE AN ABUSER OF YOUR OWN DESIGN!!! YOU cared about your youngest daughter, God forbid anyone should hurt her. You took her to the doctor, you took her to the dentist, you allowed her all of the material possessions she wanted, YOU COULDN’T WAIT FOR ME TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. Yet who was the person you have always called on when you were sad, angry, needed a friend or a listening ear? ME!! You cared about your older son, you cared about the abandoned children who you sheltered from the streets and the strangers you gave a home to, but YOU COULD NOT & WOULD NOT PROTECT YOUR OWN DAUGHTER!!! I reveal you now, the anger flows through my blood and I’ve carried your secrets for all my life. NOW YOU DESERVE all that comes your way!!!

Stepfather –MALCOLM WHITE – you disgusting evil son of a bitch!!! Who gave you the right to destroy a little girl with so much evil? Who gave you the right to sell her off and trade her out? Who gave you the right to beat her, torture her, brutalize every moment of her existence, then stalk her in her adult life. Who gave you the right to be so obsessed with me you crept outside the bedroom window of my home with my future husband. You stalked me at work, asking who would be the next man to take your daughter home and fuck her? Who gave you the right to ask the boyfriends, husbands, dates about what it was like to fuck me and what did I allow them to do, give them ideas on things they should do, hold me by the hair and threaten to blow my head off if I didn’t give all those school boys a blow job. You terrorized me from the moment you came into my life. You controlled every second of my day, it was always in my head and I never once ever doubted that you would kill me. You wanted to buy a trailer, but wanted your own special key, a place where ‘WE COULD PARTIES AND INVITE ALL YOUR COWORKERS AND BUDDIES TO JOIN IN’. You kept me from bathing for almost a full FIVE SOLID YEARS!!! You snuck into the bathroom when I was 17 so you could watch me try to shower, fearful you would try your sick games with me again. You took away my value, you took away my belief that I deserved any form of human kindness. YOUR WIFE, MY MOTHER, made sure you were buried with FULL MILITARY HONORS for the service in the air force during the Korean war, but this girl wrote up her own obituary for you…..this is what I posted on my refrigerator for a few months so that I could allow myself to feel the hatred toward you and her. This is what I published as I wrote out ‘My Justice’…… because I changed your name to ‘Walter’ in the book and never gave you a last name, now I write out the full name of the devil who tried, BUT DID NOT SUCCEED, at destroying the spirit of the person I am today.

“Here lies Malcolm White, the man who terrorized a little girl for twelve constant years of her life. He molested her, beat her, tortured her, stalked her, and raped her. He was able to have this control because of the mother who neglected to hear her daughter’s cry for help. He was given the secrecy because the little girl was too terrified to speak about the fears of her night. Now he must answer for his crimes as he is in front of the world’s strongest judge. It is my belief that he will now pay his penance for which is deserved of these crimes.”

In TRUTH, this is a very mild obituary and does not even begin to cover the levels of extreme evil you forced onto a child. No longer will I allow either of you to hide in society, to be seen as decent people, or for my mother to be seen as a VICTIM. No longer will I carry the burden of your pain, your memories, or feel the heavy fear of my afterlife because of your torture. I am now free from the both of you, no longer a child, no longer a helpless victim, but instead a true, honest, incredible survivor who has made it through all of your pain, your discarding of my being, the town’s people of Freeburg are held accountable for what they witnessed and heard, what they took part in and what they ignored, what they allowed to happen and the shame & blame they tagged on that child. I carry no longer any of that shame, I don’t carry the blame, I am not ‘your village whore’

I AM WORTHY – THIS IS MY TRUTH!!! ‘My Justice’ is my AUTOBIOGRAPHY!!

I do not apologize for the anger of this blog, I do not apologize for the words I’ve used, this is finally my truth. Thank you for reading and I hope their names are passed all around the social sites, pasted throughout every newspaper and that articles are published around the globe with their names. I will not name my siblings, nor will I name the men who have beaten and almost killed me, THESE TWO BEINGS ARE THE ROOT OF ALL THAT WAS THE BRUTAL HELL OF MY LIFE FOR ALMOST 37 YEARS!!!

©Patricia A. McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’

Fndr/CEO – Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Direct Email: p.mcknight@charter.net

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Trainer/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

 

Horrifying autobiography inspiring lives around the world

“My Justice”

‘Life changing, Highly Reviewed

and now

Required Reading

by Dr. Brenda Joyce Orozco Markert-Green

Marriage & Family Therapy Training Course

La Sierra University

Riverside, California’

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‘My Justice’ is a horrifying, but excellently written autobiography about the sadistic thirty plus years survived by one local woman who grew up within the small community of Freeburg, Illinois. Located just 40 miles outside of St. Louis; Author Patricia A. McKnight is sharing a life lived in hell, which is a FIVE STAR RATED tale of just how dark one man’s actions can be to the child within his home.

Ms. Debra Mize, Prevention Coordinator & Educator for Violence Prevention Center of Southwestern Illinois, refers to this incredible story as the most powerful since she read and attended a speaking engagement presented by the great author Dave Pelzer and his autobiography, ‘A Child Called It; One child’s courage to survive’ which made the leading New York Times Best Seller List”.

“My Justice; Shocking, Disturbing, Emotionally Charging throughout every page!”

This powerful story will rock the moral foundations of everyone who reads. Patricia A. McKnight; Author/Advocate/Speaker, now founder of Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming, begins her story at just five years old as a happy little girl filled with excitement, but the moment she open’s the door to the next thirty plus years of her life, everything you thought you knew about the evils lurking within our homes will be forever changed’.

Dr. Brenda Joyce Orozco Markert-Green: whose highly skilled reputation as a Family & Marriage Counselor, Owner & CEO at Afterglow Counseling, Mediation & Family Services, Trainer for American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy, Educator and Adjunct Faculty Board Member of La Sierra University, located in Riverside, California is now using this incredible autobiography as REQUIRED READING for her  students in the field of therapy and family counseling. “My family therapy students are required not only to read this autobiography, they are also required to complete an exam and classroom discussion on what they absorbed and felt; what can they take forward as therapist to increase their senses, skills and expertise as counselors, and to enhance their abilities to better help their clients. This story leaves a deep, lasting impression on my students, which I’ve seen first hand. It truly changes how we see the lives of those around us and how the victims are left so shattered by these acts of viciousness.”

Mr. Peter Thomas Senese: Best Selling Geo-Political Thriller Author/Child Advocate & Founder of I CARE Foundation, who also helped build a women’s shelter and who, in his capacity with the I CARE Foundation, sponsored a conference at the United Nations at the request of the Department of State on international parental child abduction and trafficking, while working to create new laws and government policies that will protect children from kidnapping said of Ms. McKnight in numerous articles and essays, a ‘Hero; A conqueror over abuse and calls this book a ‘Blue Print to Freedom from Abuse’, but it is so much more for by penned word and by action after action, Ms. McKnight and all that encompasses who she is educates or reminds each of us that all of our voices matter. On this note, ‘My Justice’ is a map to find one’s courage, and in it, freedom. As an avid reader and best-selling author, ‘My Justice’ sits in a very special area in my home – and next to ‘Unbowed’ by Noble Prize writer and friend, Wangari Maathai – as ‘My Justice’ has had that significant an impact on my life and my own call-to-arms to protect innocent children from abuse. In my capacity with the I CARE Foundation fighting against child kidnappers, there are many times that I would ask myself while dealing with these difficult cases of families in crisis, “What would Tricia do?” Then answer has led to many children once bound to know freedom . . . and that is just how significant of an impact ‘My Justice’ has had on me and the community of children we serve around the world.

Ms. Linda Walcher: Educator in the Fayetteville & Freeburg, Illinois school system for over 20 years and now a leading member in the Illinois Retired Teachers Association and mentor for many college students has this to share about ‘My Justice’ and the little girl she once had as a student. ‘As an educator, I first met Ms. McKnight when she entered my fourth grade class. Being fresh out of college and a very young teacher then; she was one of my first students. In her bright blue eyes I saw just a happy, beautiful little girl. As I moved on to continue my long time career in the same school system she attended, I truly had no clue as to the life I could have saved in that child. It is only in the last few years, since first reading the details of her endured beatings and sadistic crimes of her step-father, that I have reached out and fully support every effort she puts forth on a daily basis to use her learned and lived knowledge to try and help many others. As an active member in the Retired Teachers Association and with the mentoring of upcoming educators now in college, there is not enough I can say about how this book has changed my entire thinking process. Back in the 70’s we were not as educated or made aware as we should have been about child abuse and what signs to watch for in children. Throughout my years as an educator I was able to help rescue a few children, but reading this story brought all of that little girl’s Red Flag Warning Signs, which she was waving around with all her might, but I just didn’t have the knowledge or the training then to help her. ‘My Justice’ is a book which I highly recommend for anyone who spends time with children.’

Incredibly, Ms. McKnight has taken all of her many years of tragedy and turned them into something she is hoping will help rescue victims of Child Abuse and Family or Domestic Violence. She has now built Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery, which can be found by visiting her website http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com. There she begins with a few basic steps which are FREE to use by absolutely anyone to help with rebuilding life after any form of abuse or violence has effected you or someone you love. On this new site you will find educational and awareness information about what to do if you’ve just recently been harmed and what we can be aware of as a society to help those around us who may be struggling to cope through some form of abuse.

Patricia A. McKnight, known as ‘Trish’ to those who chat with her almost daily, has endured a life that most of us cannot imagine, but to her it was just seen as ‘normal’. She knows the path many victims of these crimes follow in the aftermath of being violated. In her drive to better help us understand she is making all of us aware and hoping to be just one of the voices in the beginning of change.

‘The purpose for publishing ‘My Justice’ was a need to explain and apologize to my children for the many broken repeated violent relationships I engaged in, which have left wounds in their lives. The bitter truth is there was never any legal form of justice to come from all the years of almost murderous violence and sadistic evil, but I needed to release myself from the hand covering my mouth and holding me captive in dysfunctions and madness all these decades; this is how and why I needed to publish this story. What has made a deeper impact on me is the many millions living in our society today just like me; some with even more horrific stories than mine. Because of the way we have been taught to view these actions, there are now an estimated 50 Million or more who know how dark a parent or trusted person’s actions can become. It should be these stories of generations past and present; my voice and the voices of many others, which should be our society’s learning examples of how these crimes, and they are actually evil criminal acts against our own children and our partners; how they set up human beings to live out their lives in a broken existence without ever seeing any value in their person. Even though these actions have been going on in our homes and communities since the dawn of mankind, doesn’t make it the right way to live. It means that we have to step up our game against these behaviors and see them for what they are ‘Nothing less than a learned way to live and treat others’, a disrespect and need for power over another human being. We need to toughen our prosecutions for these crimes and begin protecting everyone around us, not just our own children. What we have permitted by teaching silence to the victims, is what I refer to as our own ‘Man-Made Cancer’ only there is no wonder science which will ever provide the cure. Only by being aware, being vigilant, and being educated about the impacts of the aftermath; the many lifelong struggles of mental health disorders such as; P.T.S.D; Depression, Anxiety, Drug & Alcohol Addictions, Eating Disorders, and even worse the many who’ve committed suicide because of the horrible after effects. Seeing these ugly realities for what they are is the only way we will be able to change what has been taught as so normal. I believe when you discard someone because of their dysfunctions and what many may judge as being ‘less worthy’ or ‘damaged’; then you are discarding a victim or a survivor, someone who has been or is now being brutalized by someone they love. It is by learning from the experts, many of whom make up the millions of survivors today, that we will be able to change our thinking towards these crimes. This is our only hope for providing some form of rescue for our children’s future. Our kids are watching all of the activities across the internet today and they are paying attention to what we do when it comes to helping them cope with all their daily battles. I wonder how they will think of us if we continue to ignore these ugly, vicious, soul destroying actions as we’ve been taught?”

If you would like to find our more about this survivor turned, Author/Advocate/Speaker/Talk Radio Prod & Host, Founder of Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery, you can contact her by emailing direct to butterflydreamsabuserecovery@gmail.com or tricia.mcknight@hotmail.com. You can also visit her website http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com to enlighten yourself and others about the recovery process or what you may be able to do, not only to spot a victim in your family or workplace, but also create a greater vigilance within your communities and school systems. ‘Trish’ can also be found across many of our social networking sites today. This engaging and empowering speaker is happy to share with your churches, schools, any outlet you choose to give hope and help to all of those who directly relate with children, young single mothers, and many men who are living the life of heavy dark secrets today.

You are invited to view her latest speaking engagement through this You Tube Video; http://youtu.be/tujWedUtdf0 This was at the Illinois Healthcares Grant Education Seminar held in Belleville, Illinois; National Shrine of our Lady of the Snows, where the Violence Prevention Center initiated a training seminar with the outstanding Dr. Elaine Alpert. One of America’s Global Health Staff & Advisors out of Massachusetts General Hospital, who is a panel discussion member and actively speaking for the Education and Enhanced Collaboration of Health Professionals to rescue and provide help for victims of child abuse, domestic violence, and human trafficking. 

Follow Patricia A. McKnight or listen to her live blog talk radio program every Monday & Wednesday evening:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Google +, Twitter, Linkedin & Pinterest either Patricia A. McKnight or Tricia McKnight

You can purchase your copy of ‘My Justice’ in paperback, e-book, Kindle & Nook through most online book resources. E-book & Kindle editions just $2.99

References:

Dr. Elaine Alpert, http://www.ccvs.state.vt.us/sites/default/files/resources/E%20Alpert%20-%20Human%20Trafficking%20-%20Panel.pdf

http://www.ccvs.state.vt.us/content/elaine-alpert-human-trafficking-and-health-care-call-health-professional-education-and-0

Author: Dave Pezler “A Child Called It: One child’s courage to survive”

Published Sept. 1, 1995 by Health Communications, Incorporated and now a well known library and school reference autobiography.

©Patricia A. McKnight

Breese, Illinois

For contact please email: tricia.mcknight@live.com

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

Press Release for Shocking Autobiography….My Justice

Press Release for Shocking Autobiography….My Justice.