Domestic Violence…..Intimate view of the Red Flags and Warning Signs of an Abuser

Do you know the Red Flags and Warning Signs of an abusive partner?

How do you view your own self-worth and relationships?

This may be triggering for some but it is intended as a upclose and intimate view of Interpersonal Violence and may be the life saving influence for another. Please help pass this information forward!!!

In my life I”ve always seen these violent and controlling relationships as;

“It can’t be any worse than what happened in my home as a child”

I’ve never considered myself as a “Partner” in a relationship. Those who built me had broken down any real sense of value as an individual. I was “trained” in my childhood to be accepting of another’s control and violence against me and became submissive in my adult relationships; dependent for my own existence as a person. The abuses, violence, terror, torture and training to constantly give of myself without any consideration of my own needs, caused me to continue accepting these same acts and disregard any personal value that I thought I deserved.

What this actually did was teach me to accept any and all disregard for me as a human being!!!

The multiples of abusers, controllers of my existence, could manipulate me to fit their mold of the “PERFECT” partner/spouse. No matter how minute their wishes or how grand their desire, it became my own self belief that I should meet or exceed their expectations, despite any dislike I had for their actions.

I WAS THE PERFECT VICTIM!!!

There are many millions like myself, so well-trained to expect and accept any disregard for their own value. This generational training to discard our own dislike of what others do to us and how they break down and mold our spirit to fit their needs, rather than consider our own thoughts and feelings, leaves us destroyed of “SELF” and submissive to meet their wishes.

How does this reflect in your relationship? Do you give others that constant control; disregard your own wishes to meet the expectation of those who say, “I Love You”?

Do they say those words after they’ve spent an hour or five minutes tearing apart or beating down your individual thoughts or feelings?

Do they use the love you feel for them as a tool to make you feel guilt over your own attempts to build your person?

Do they demonstrate blatant disregard of your ideas, dreams, wishes, even if it is as simple as wanting to seek an independent career, education, or complete a goal?

These are their acts as controller of your existence. This is Domestic Violence, Interpersonal Control, Molding of your person and breaking down your spirit to accommodate and meet their expectations of what type of person you should be; putting their value, their ideas, their demands, above your own and taking from you the accomplishments and deserved happiness you were intended to have when your life was created.

I ask you this: “What gives anyone the right to take control over what you should become or accomplish in YOUR LIFE?”

Ask Yourself: “Are you seeing these submissive behaviors and believe the disregard of your value as a human being?”

As a mother, and sometimes out of necessity for financial assistance, I felt there was no possible way I could survive on my own, while trying to raise my children. I believed that accepting their vicious and almost deadly attacks was best because: “How would I keep a roof, clothing, food and other necessities for my children without them?

After all I had been brainwashed to believe I was not able to exist as a person, had no value, unless someone else was giving me that existence. It resulted in twenty years of beatings, control, degradation, financial dependence, and repeated attacks of attempted murder.

The threats and acts to take away the very breath of  life was done with loaded weapons to my head in the middle of the night; attempted drownings in the bathtub; captivity of  keeping me locked inside a 2nd floor apartment for 10 or 12 hours a day; tieing me up with phone cords and locking me in the bedroom for hours until they decided to let me loose; the forceful sexual acts without any regard of my comfort or dislike. They were the controllers of my existence as a person, but wasn’t I a creation of God, just as valuable as any other life on earth?

Rather than escaping their RED FLAG BEHAVIORS, before it became an almost deadly act of brutal violence; I stayed. It was my “training” and – So what if they ordered me out of the car in the cold to pump the gas while they sat warm inside? So what if they locked me inside or took me away from everything and everyone I knew? So what if I was expected to be the “whore” in bed rather than a partner of intimacy? So what if they took my money for their own needs or beat me to give up my career? So what if they decided every moment of every day what I was and wasn’t allowed to do with my time? So what if they took my hopes, my dreams, my goals, and manipulated my choices? SO WHAT?

What I’ve listed above are all Red Flags preceding the violence to come as their demands grew more intense and I could not meet all their expectations; could not read their mind and do their wishes before they spoke them.

It doesn’t matter if you are simply dating someone; if you are a teenager or an adult. When someone you’re with takes away your power of choice, manipulates your thoughts to feel guilt of meeting their wishes rather than your own;

This is the time to leave!!!

The pattern of an abuser isn’t to start off with beating you down physically. They don’t wear a warning sign or a mask of terror. They start off with small steps of calling you at all times of the day or night. Using such subtle manipulations tactics that you give in and allow yourself, out of the perception of love, to follow what they wish and disregard your own gut feelings and thoughts.

If you are reading this and find yourself thinking about your partner’s actions and coming to the conclusion that you see these little subtle acts of manipulation and control; please end the relationship now before your individual spirit, ideas, thoughts, dreams, hopes, goals, are stripped away to meet their own selfish needs and expectations of who you should be and what you should do.

If you are a mother and feel you cannot exist and provide for your children without them; you probably feel this way because of the brainwashing you’ve already been forced to believe.

Know that as a human you are given value of life when you are born. Your own desire to provide for your children will make it possible. It won’t be easy, and you will have to do without many of the luxuries you and they might have now, but think of the consequences of staying where you are.

More than likely the control is growing stronger because you have children. The abuser knows they have stripped away belief in your independent abilities. They have you where they can control what you achieve; making sure that you do not out grow the dependence of life, home, food, basic living necessities they provide.

Take a moment to dream of what YOU truly want in this life and what you wish to influence in your children’s life. Think about your possibilities. Think about how the children are impacted by the growing degradation, forceful control, yelling, screams of mercy coming from their mother; how does this reflect in your children as they hear and watch you cower from your partner?

How will they see what is healthy and normal in their own relationships?

I realize, as being one of those who broke away to raise her children with nothing but the clothes on our backs, how difficult the process can be. There is a lot that is needed and you will need some basic skills to move forward. You need to make a safety plan and escape without harm. You need to seek out assistance with job skills, education, medical and maybe even financial assistance. I know personally that resources of help are low and very difficult to receive, but don’t believe in the brainwashing of others and deplete yourself of personal value, YOU CAN DO THIS!!! IT IS POSSIBLE!!! YOU ARE POSSIBLE!!!

You can call the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence or check out their website: http://www.thehotline.org

PHONE THEM NOW FOR A CONFIDENTIAL 24/7 COUNSELOR TO HELP YOU FIND A WAY TO ESCAPE: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

(c)Patricia A. McKnight

Author; “My Justice”

Website: http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Examiner/Talk Radio Host/Survivor

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This was my life saving chance on me!!!

Warning – **TRIGGERS** – Please know that all posts on this site, including some comments, can be very triggering. You must read these posts at your own pace, face what you can when you can, but challenge yourself just a bit every day!!

Yesterday’s post about my inability to forgive “Mother” for her horrible neglect was a bit harsh perhaps? I was speaking from the anger and I’d be lying if I said there’s none I carry.

It seems most everyone says you must forgive, but I also know that evil exists and there is no level to the darkness other’s can impose on us. While I’ve been able to understand and forgive the many men who have hurt me, stolen my children, threatened my life, shamed and degraded me, the two people who were in control of my childhood will never be forgiven.

The other day on Dreamcatchers Talk Radio, I had the privilege of talking with Author Carter Lee. He wrote a novel about his experiences with anger and voiced his own comments about forgiveness.

“We don’t have to forgive, but we can’t let our past and what others have done keep us back either.”

This is so very true. We each have a choice in life. We were each given a right to be safe, happy and loved when we take that very first breath; we have an obligation to ourselves not to allow anyone control of our final and last breath!!! There are certain evils that humans do to others, which can cause a long-term impact on our physical and mental abilities. How you view what should or not be forgiven is completely a personal choice, because only you understand what blocks may have developed as a result of that evil. We do not have to live by or agree with other opinions. It is about what you personally need for you!!!

The other side of that statement being; “We cannot allow it to keep us from achieving life either.”

This is another PERSONAL CHOICE that only we can make!!!

I followed that dark path of living in continued abuse, choosing the wrong kind of partners and allowing them to use brute force to control me. I take full responsiblity for following that behavior of accepting the violence against me. When I left the home of my abuser’s my decision-making process and my lack of morals kept me from believing I deserved anything better and it deeply influenced my choices. I didn’t believe that there was help for people “like” me, because “I made the choice to accept their cruelty”.

The biggest block I had from mother and his abuse was a deep sense of self-doubt!!! I didn’t trust that I could make the right choices and that every choice was a threat; a perceived danger.

It finally came to a head that night, some thirty-two years later in November 1997. When the police escorted a very broken woman who knew nothing more than control and fear out of her home, I had a choice to make. I could find help and build my own life or I could go back home after work; only to end up dead because of it.

There were a few things I had in my favor:

A) I had gone back to school at 25 to get my GED and my degree in business management. At least I now had the skills to do some other job than bartending. I knew I wouldn’t survive going back to that environment.

B) I could earn the income needed to provide at least the basics for my children; food, shelter, clothing. It wouldn’t be easy, but I had the capacity to make it happen.

C) I had my only friend offer a safe place to recover. That early morning I left injured and luckily the one friendly relationship I’d built outside of my marriage offered to let me stay with her. She didn’t offer to support me, but she gave me a place to turn when I had nowhere. I probably would have gone back rather than believe I deserved help from anyone. If she wouldn’t have offered, I never would have asked to stay anywhere and would have left myself without any other option, but it she stepped up and I THANK GOD SHE DID!!!

I’m so glad that she was there and that I did have the skills to achieve an independent salary. It was never easy for us and I had no balance of handling my finances properly, but we had a roof, food and clothing. It took through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s 1998 before I landed the job, which afforded me to get a place and the kids to come back. It was a chance that I had to believe in and a choice I had to make.

He had already taken everything from me. My kids were temporarily with their dad until I could break away. I knew they were waiting for me to get things done so they could come home. After all, their lives were put in danger by his choices before. I couldn’t risk allowing them to stay with him or to give them up in any form.

THIS WAS MY LIFE SAVING CHANCE ON ME!!!

It was now that I had to make that choice. Was I going to allow the violence against me to continue and invade my children’s lives or was I going to take a chance on myself????

It was scary as hell. This was the first time that I really remember thinking exactly those words; “Take A Chance on Yourself“. This was the chance that broke through that barrier and allowed me to start moving into my own existance. It became my hard work, my efforts, my decisions that would change our lives. Whether we had everything or barely anything didn’t matter, what mattered was that we could lay our heads down at night without the threat of being killed!!!

If you think the violence you accept now won’t get to the point of life threatening; neither did I.

I hoped to change them, heal them, help them, and stand by them; telling myself they would never kill me, but each one at their own pace grew to that level. They either attempted to kill me or threatened it with severe intimidation. Just because they haven’t gotten there yet, doesn’t mean they won’t. If you are being controlled in an intimidating manner it will only get worse, it never gets better. You are in danger!!

You can get help with your education and bettering your job skills. You can find help with life skills. You can find help with daycare. You can find help with emotional healing and support with others like yourself. You can believe that you are not alone. There are resources out there and people to help you find them. You can find that safe recovery/rebuilding your life place that is needed while you face this challenge. You do not have to live in the path of your past. You have a choice in how you live today. You can break through their barriers and learn a new way of life. You can better your life and even more important, you can give your children the safe, happy, love filled life they were meant to have. You can take control of your last breath!!!

It doesn’t matter if it is the past of your childhood abuse that is holding you back from achieving life or if something else is blocking your way; You have a choice to change what is happening!!!

Please take that life saving chance on you!!!

Mentioned:

Dreamcatchers Talk Radio: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dreamcatchers

Author, Carter Lee: http://www.innovativesocialdynamics.com/column/

Local Resource for Help:

Violence Prevention Center South Western Illinois http://www.vpcswi.org/

Illinois Domestic Violence Help Line  1 (877) 863-6338

RAINN – Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network Helpline 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)  http://www.rainn.org/

Child Help – 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4452)

More Resources @ http://www.dreamcatchersforabusedchildren.com

If you are in immediate danger or have just suffered an attack of sexual or physical assault – Please dial 911 or your area’s emergency response number.

(c) Patricia A. McKnight

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62