Shocking, Disturbing, Disgusting, Atrocious, and horrifying!!!

These title words are just some of the adjectives used when people hear the true evil of my published story. The many responses, press announcements, Five Star Reviews shared about My Justice’, have been shared around the web for almost two years now. Our world media outlets and our First Amendment Right to Freedom of speech is what enables us to our stories to teach the next generation about the dark destructive evils of mankind!!!

I know very few people ever get their stories noticed in the media; especially if it has anything to do with the most darkest actions of our human society. However isn’t it rather weird that we are drawn to those televised reality shows of addiction, dysfunction and despair, so long as it doesn’t hit in the deepest secrets of our home?

“My Justice’ is a story that rocks the moral fortitude of our human society. It is a story that most don’t want to even think could happen in our small American, hometown style, communities.

Bookcvr1              559283_341569465919905_320748185_n (240x185)

This true life horror story, ‘My Justice’, has now been read by hundreds. It isn’t a life I am proud to have lived by any means, but it is one that I am thankful to have survived!!!

TRUTH: Survivors of abuse, especially years (decades) of evil, violent and vicious degradation, disfiguring neglect, and being passed around to others like a party favor; this is something that is extremely difficult to admit to ourselves. Accepting that our parents are the guilty parties who trained us to be less than human; taught us that nothing about us is worth noticing. We were not raised as children, but merely objects to be used and brutalized; objects for sexual gratification to our parents, friends of the family and those permitted into this secret world. Our human value is never instilled, guided, or protected. It is stripped away from us and ripped from within our being. We believe there is nothing about us that matters and one of the most difficult challenges is to believe we have value or to promote ourselves in any manner!!

I have found my voice, found my strength; found my value as a human being. As hard as it is to pat myself on the back, especially for the truths of subject matter involved; I HAVE FOUND MY COURGE TO SPEAK UP AND REMOVE THE COAL STAINED HAND THAT HELD ME CAPTIVE FOR DECADES, FOR THIS I AM EXTREMELY PROUD!!!

‘My Justice’ has been incredibly reviewed by astounding individuals and the FIVE STAR RATED REVIEWS and comments continue to be shared by those who read the story!!!

Best selling author of geo-political thrillers such as: ‘Den of the Assassins’; ‘Cloning Christ’ and the novel he published from parts of his own amazing journey, ‘Chasing the Cyclone’; devoted child advocate, Founder/CEO of I CARE Foundation, Mr. Peter Thomas Senese has published many outstanding PR Web announcements, Amazon Reviews, and his own many blog shares about his thoughts on ‘My Justice’……….

Renown New York based Attorney Joel Walter has given the story huge praise and a big two thumbs up!!!……….”There are occasions when a book is written that shakes the very foundation you stand on. In ‘My Justice,’ Patricia McKnight has written an excellent, inspiring story of the human spirit. It serves as a reminder of many things. First, the importance for those who fall victim to abuse to stand strong and unashamed in the wake of their ordeal, and to find the courage to liberate themselves from those that chain their body, their mind, and their spirit. It too, is a reminder for each of us in society to not turn a blind eye to abuse, and to say ‘abuse will not be tolerated, ‘My Justice’ is an incredible story of courage and freedom in the wake of those who try to withhold these essential liberties. Clearly it took Ms. McKnight a great deal of courage to break her own personal chains, and to share this remarkable story. This story will impact many who Ms. McKnight knows, and many, many more she never will meet, but who’s lives she will make better. I highly recommend this story as much as I urge others victimized by abuse to emulate Ms. McKnight’s courage.”

Ms. Linda Walcher, a retired teacher of Freeburg Community School system; now a tutor for other up and coming teachers has shared her FIVE STAR RATING of this story……….. “This novel is a teaching of awareness for anyone who has direct contact with children to the extreme tragedy of neglect that is so commonly overlooked, but which can be the beginning signs of something much deeper. As a teacher, a mother, a person who cherishes all children; this amazingly well written novel made me want to scream and beg for others to read the details that are so exceptionally shared in the glorious strength of a child’s words.”

Dr. Brenda-Joyce Orozco Markert_Green- an educator of up and coming therapists has shared her FIVE STAR REVIEW…….. Please pick up a copy and read it. Most people do not understand all of the factors and variables that come into play in abusive situations, and this book spells out many of these. You will get more of an idea of what children who are being abused go through, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well, in order to survive their abusive situations. Trish also describes the abuse that she survived in her adult life, which points out the dynamics that play out in adult abuse situations also. Once you pick up the book, you will not be able to put it down! This is a must-read, and one that everyone should share with others, so that we can eradicate both child abuse and partner abuse! 

Dr. Brenda, also personally shared with me her desire to use this story as a recommended reading source for her students to see inside the silent child and survivor who struggles to exist in her daily life.

The absolute best quote I can share about ‘My Justice’ is from Ms. Darlene Jones, Exec. Director of Violence Prevention Center of Southwestern Illinois, whose comments were video taped by News Channel 5, KSDK videographer/reporter Kevin Held, as we spoke at S.W.I.C. about the Illinois Healthcare Grant they received to provide education, prevention measures and assistance to victims of abuse and/or family/relationship violence. Unfortunately however, the final published cut of the video did not share her beginning words about the story.

Ms. Darlene Jones, Exec. Director
Author/Advocate/Survivor Patricia A. McKnight

Her special words: ‘If Patricia’s story would have been shared just ten years ago, we’d be hearing her share it on the Today Show’!!!

I cannot say enough about how much this means to me, but there is much more to be said about the value of this novel. There are many hundreds and even thousands who have connected with me simply because the power of sharing my story has given them the courage to speak their own truth. Every day there are survivors, victims, followers, even personal friends who have been so deeply shocked at this story, so incredibly moved by this story they have been impacted in ways that have changed their world. At one time they may have been one of the many still held in that heavy steel cage of silence. Once they may have been someone who turned away and pretended not to notice these evil acts around them, but now they have been empowered with voice and they are passing that inspiration forward to others and all of us are finding the courage to stand against these crimes. The greatest power of sharing these horrifying details is the very public apology I give to my children throughout the story, which was my greatest inspiration; to explain the why of all the turmoil and dysfunction that flowed in to invade their lives because of the ignored, abused, trafficked child then became their mother.

‘Yes I am one of those millions in our society who was once a victim of these vicious abuses by those entrusted with my care’!!

My Justice’ has inspired victims to reach out and seek help. Survivors who have been trapped in these dark secrets for years have now been empowered to speak up and come forward. A few of these incredible survivors who have reached out to me and stated they’ve been inspired with hope by my story; have also been sharing their own secrets and touching the souls of other victims. They are journalists, bloggers, advocates, Facebook support group leaders and founders, such as; Viga Boland, Mary Graziano, Patricia Caldwell-Singleton, Michal Madison and Janice Meadows-Hedrick, Author Sharon Newkirk-Wells, of course this is just to name a few off the top of my head.

I am continually truly amazed by the wonderful strength of these voices. For me to feel like ‘My Justice’ has been not only highly praised and reviewed by some of these astounding every day friends, gives me hope and fills my spirit with drive to continue supporting them, while driving forward to reach out to our media outlets about the importance of making it public. One day it will shine for the many well written qualities it carries and the spirit of the survivor who has walked this amazing journey to freedom.

To all of you who have read my many blogs, read the novel, heard my voice on blog talk radio or connected through private messaging or phone calls; you have all made a huge impact on my world!!! There is no way that I can ever thank you enough for sharing your support, kindness, and most of all for finding your voice to speak your own truth!!! I am forever indebted to each of you. Perhaps one day we will live long enough to see it all make a difference!!!

There is more that has come from publishing my story two years ago. Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery has been built because of all of you who have reached out to me and shared your own journey. Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery has been built because of all the interviews written; some already published, some still waiting to be published, but without you I never would have believed in this dream or built this site to provide information, resources, and help others understand the wounds we carry from the traumas of our past. To take what I’ve learned through life’s journey and know that it matters; to know it is helping in a greater mission; to inspire some human kindness, to give hope to many who have had none; this is much like the bond and deep self appreciation of giving birth, which is exactly what has happened.

I have found and given birth to the me who has been hiding inside and this new child will never be held in silence again.

There is also the connection I have made with those other shining survivors who have come before me to share their stories and carry a devotion of advocacy and change, a mountain of hope filled with information and inspiration for our society. These many who I highly respect and hope to one day have all of us sharing our stories; hearing them and reading them through our many media outlets, which then allows it to penetrate our society and climb into the cracks of our homes, giving hope to those trapped inside that there are others fighting for their freedom from these atrocities.

There are millions of these incredible survivors who know the depth of pain and evil that our own parents and those who walk among our society as law abiding citizens, pillars of the community, or worse those who are seen as vicious souls, but not one person around them ever worries about the children within their care.

Some of those who I respect most for their courage to make a difference are; Annie O’Sullivan, Michael Skinner, Lynn Tolson, Paula Phelps, Jan Frayne, and of course Miss Erin Merryn who is making great changes by the enactment of Erin’s Law across the country!!!.

As I said, its difficult for a survivor to believe it matters and market themselves and their incredible work to reach the hearts of society. Someone could make a ton of money by choosing to market these survivor stories. Of course I’m speaking for those of us who don’t already have some type of marketing resource for our voices to be heard.

The Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Talk Radio is out to help get those voices out there and allow them to be heard. We want to share your story and share the amazing work you have dedicated to making a difference. I hope each of you will join me as a guest or co-host for a live broadcasting. It is vital to bring these stories out, let society see our numbers, and bring an ease of topic and discussion about the darkest of these ugly actions from one human being against another.

It all matters because of the growing epidemic of abuse and family violence/relationship violence that is still plaguing our society today and it just keeps getting worse. Mankind is destroying the moral fortitude that lies within us all. We are still living in the hell that generations before us have taught and passed forward, yet very few stories are ever heard and rarely make it to the news and other media outlets.

We have created our own manmade cancer and it has been festering in the silence, eating away at our society for centuries. Now we have the opportunity to change what has been. Our choice to do the right thing and teach our children through the stories of our past, is the only chance we have at bringing an end and giving them a better, safer, world in which to flourish.

You don’t see our stories make it to the New York Times Best Seller List. These truths are not read about in the Time magazine. They are not read about or reviewed in the Chicago Tribune, the LA Times, or the Riverfront Times here in the St. Louis area. Even our televised talk shows such as The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Ricki Lake, Dr. Phil, or Dr. Drew, and The Today Show; all of these turn away from the growing numbers of voices who are sharing these truths. Here in St. Louis area we have St. Louis Today, or Great Day St. Louis, but none of these will broach the subject of sharing a special on these dark pasts, which are incredible stories of survival. It truly makes me want to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs, hoping to reach every person within 500 miles of my voice; “Dammit it Matters People’!!!

We continuously see commercials for the Humane Society and the ASPCA; the abuse, malnourished, abandoned creatures of these dysfunctional homes are given more attention and supported by our financial donations, but the children and abused, beaten souls within the homes are left to rot in the plague of evil actions.

Isn’t our society at all shocked by the horrific nature of these brutal acts within our homes? If not, shouldn’t we be? The longer we remain silent about these vicious attacks within our own homes, the longer we allow our children and future generations to be destroyed!!!

These horrific nightmares still continue to infect the lives of our children every second of every day. The Illinois Department of Children and Family Services released the 2012 PDF file reports, which show 218 Children Murdered by acts of physical or neglectful abuse, yet there is only minimal response from our politicians and lawmakers who have the power to make a difference.

Was there a response to the email I sent to our President Barrack Obama? – No

Was there a response from the THREE PAGE LETTER and copy of ‘My Justice’ that I personally mailed to our beautiful family oriented First Lady Michelle Obama? – No

Was there a response to the video I made as a public plea for help to Dr. Phil? – No

Was there a response to the email I sent to our Senator Dick Durbin? A very basic return email was received, stating quite simply; ‘Thank you for your interest’. REALLY????

Has Congress yet passed Protect our Kids Act? – No

Have our Senate and House Representatives yet given the approval and passed into action the Reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act? – No

Perhaps we are turning away from these evil brutal truths because there are so many millions, if not billions, who still walk in the silence of these crimes today? Perhaps we do not want to open the door to all of these stories because we are afraid it will hit too close to home and we will realize there is someone we know; someone who is close to us; someone we love; perhaps even our own children who are still struggling to survive these atrocious acts of evil?

If we do not bring these truths to the forefront of our discussions then how will we be able to convince our kids it is safe; they CAN talk, they CAN speak up, they DO NOT have to feel ashamed of what’s happened to them. How can we empower our kids with the greatest weapon they hold; their voice? IF WE ARE NOT PUBLICLY TALKING ABOUT THESE STORIES AND THEIR GROWING NUMBERS, HOW CAN WE TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO SPEAK UP FOR THEIR OWN PROTECTION? How can we possibly teach them there is no shame if we are still turning away, pretending not to see or hear; whispering about the acts, but yet telling our kids there is nothing to be ashamed of, it is not their fault?.

We cannot remove the stain of shame on these victims until we can talk about it comfortably ourselves. What example of decency are we giving them if we are still whispering about the crimes of abuse and violence within our homes? I believe it continues to drive into our children that they must remain silent rather than reveal their rapist is their father, or their mother, or even their sibling. It’s alright to come forward and speak when it is someone outside the family unit, be it a teacher, minister, coach, boy scout leader; admitting this and charging them publicly is an act of courage and they should be proud of those they saved from falling prey to these monsters, but stay quiet if it is one of us who is attacking you and beating you, raping you, molesting you; don’t air your dirty laundry is what we are still teaching our kids today.

Excuse my blunt nature, but this is not a crime we survivors have committed; it is a crime that has been committed against us!!! The acts of child rape, molestation, beating, neglect, murder; the acts of beating and degrading, controlling and attempting to murder our spouses or partners; these are all crimes, but yet they are never heard in criminal courts. These acts are dealt with in family courts. Why? If it is a stranger who pushes me, punches me, attacks me in any manner, then it is a criminal case. However; if my father rapes me, my mother beats me and the entire community around me refuses to see the harmful neglect of rotting teeth, filthy hygiene and growing disgust of flesh eating infection, then all of this should be kept quiet. Never again will I be silent about what those around me did and those within my community either watched it happen or they took part in the trafficking of a child. They ignored the horrifying screams of me begging my husband to please stop beating me. They pretended not to see the face so beaten that it was beyond recognition and the broken ribs, collar bones, and severe bruising that covered my body was all just a ploy for attention. Really?????

To all of you incredible survivors who have fought through the madness that is inflicted by these crimes, I say to you;

NEVER GIVE UP!!! Our stories may never make it to be great success stories, but I guarantee you that each of your stories are touching the lives of those who read them. We are opening up the door so that others can see the horrific destruction that is caused by these acts. Your stories are being whispered about, but they are touching the lives of other victims and relieving the burden of shame they carry. Your stories and mine are making a difference ONE SOUL AT A TIME and we will make an impact on the generations to come. We are all saving the life of someone we don’t even know and rescuing those who live trapped in this hell. 

My choice to speak up was made for my children so that I could help them understand and see the person who lies within their mother. My choice to break free from the trained pattern of accepting these violent acts against me was because of the desire to give my children a better way of life. The choice I make right now to commit the rest of my years as an advocate is done for the children yet to come. It is a hope that things will change, that our society will see what is happening; our children falling apart and the surge of mental despair that is exploding around us; this is my drive to build what I feel is my path, my destiny. It helps me to take the thirty years of brutal and almost deadly attacks I’ve survived, then turn it all around into something as precious and gentle as a butterfly coming to life.

Now is the time for all of us to climb out of the darkness of our cocoon and soar into the possibilities of a better life. I am one of the many, one of the devoted, now one of the strong adamant souls who are spreading my wings and flying through the wonderful freedom of safety and happiness, which of course is something we were all intended to have as we took our first breath of life.

Live Strong & Fly Free

© Patricia A. McKnight

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

Founder/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Survivors World online support group

Generation No More

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

My Justice’ is available through most online book resources

Authorhouse.com/Barnes&Noble/Amazon/Lulu

Paperback, E-Book, Kindle & Nook Versions

My Justice Read by Author Patricia McKnight 01/20 by Fire Talk Production | Politics Progressive Podcasts

My Justice Read by Author Patricia McKnight 01/20 by Fire Talk Production | Politics Progressive Podcasts.

This was one of the most powerful interviews. A huge thank you to Nell Cole & David Little Eagle for this fabulous opportunity to share my story, ‘My Justice’

 

Welcome Warrior Child Patricia McKnight who will join us to read from her book My Justice.

 

This amazing story of survival will capture you from Prelude to Ending. It will shock and disturb the deepest parts of your being. In it you will walk the path of a little girl so utterly destroyed by those entrusted with her care. You will feel her strength to survive as the towns people around her ignored the child’s cry. Trecia Ann will allow you into her thoughts; her exasperating fears that haunt her soul.

 

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000373503/My-Justice.aspx

To have ‘Trish’ come speak at your next training event or a community awareness mission, please email direct: butterflydreamsteam@live.com

Connect on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Set backs of being a trafficking survivor

There are many different areas of being a survivor of hell which I’ve written about these past three years. In many writings throughout this entire blog you will find writings dealing with all the puzzle pieces we need to examine and shape into our present day lives. You’ll also find many writings which focus on the depression, P.T.S.D., anxiety, finding your center to begin your healing path, the anger which still comes and goes, and the severe neglect of all medical and dental care which has left me so tragically scarred.

However there is an area which still holds me back and one I haven’t focused on much, THE TRAFFICKING OF THE CHILD I USED TO BE!!

This is the process of stealing away who we are and ripping away any sense of value as they use us for trading, manipulation, and offer us out as an object without care of how we feel or what it does to our inner being. It all went along with complete disregard for all of my other care & feelings. It was also a huge part of what my small little community of Freeburg witnessed and knew about, yet chose not to be bothered, because as always ‘I simply was not worth the effort’.

When my stepfather started using me to entice the other men in our little village of Freeburg, Illinois; it was my 11th birthday. It was this day that I began feeling like nothing more than HIS OBJECT. Yes the molestations were actually just an insertion away from being rape at that point, and yes he was a regular visitor  who attacked almost nightly as I lay in the same bed next to his own little girl and Mother just a thin wall away.

On this particular day, I was taken to the bar where Mother worked through the week and a family acquaintance who had been at our house with his own wife and young girls was bartending. They made sure I was drunk with double shots of vodka in a small glass of orange juice that day, one right after the other to celebrate my big #11. It was the first time he offered me out to a young miner. Thank heaven this guy was decent enough to say ‘No, she’s just a kid’. However, Malcolm banged my head off the dashboard of the car when we went outside and repeatedly growled at me, ‘You’re a fucking ugly bitch that’s why nobody wanted you in there’. This would not be his only or his last attempt. The one thing he found out that trip is that when he got me drunk he could manipulate me into using my body in a sexually enticing way to attract the attention of men and then they would continue buying the drinks.

Ah Ha, a way to get drunk for free!!!

Oh yeah, I didn’t get my birthday that day at all. Mother was so furious he kept me out so long that she chased the girls home from the party, stormed up the street to yank me out of the car; yelled at me during the two blocks we walked home, and sent me straight to my room. Hmmm, again I was being punished, just as it had been when I was 9 and she walked in from work early to find him ready to insert his penis into her naked little girl lying next to him in their bed; the girl so terrified that tears were running down her cheeks. Yet I was always the bad girl, the one to blame for what he did.

Really Mother????

It was just shortly after this experience at the bar when I was first taken out to the barge boat with a crew of about 10 young men. These guys enjoyed the entertainment Malcolm had brought them. All I knew that day was he had told Mother he was taking me fishing. We picked up a couple cases of beer and we drove down some back rode that took us to the edge of the Mississippi where this barge boat was anchored. It was in the middle of nowhere. There were not any barges around this tug boat was moving. There was just this small wooden dock which was shaky, seemed unstable. The boat was parked along the water’s edge with green grass and a big ol’ tree hanging there filled with beautiful green leaves. I remember getting on the boat, although it took some help from one of the guys because I’d already drank down about three full beers he had handed me during our drive. He used the excuse he was taking me fishing quite a bit. It was a staple he could always get away with and she never asked me if I wanted to go or why I didn’t want to go, she just simply sent me along as if to send me out of her hair for the day.

I always guess my teen ages during these events by means of what happened BEFORE he used his favorite shotgun barrel to rape me, and AFTER he used his favorite shotgun barrel to rape me.

This particular day spent with the barge boat guys was before, so I wasn’t yet close to 13 and my body was still quite small and under developed. I think back on these events and remember having more than one set of hands groping and probing me. I remember more than one penis being rubbed against my mouth and having to hold onto them, just like he had taught me to do with him. However, what I remember most are the faces of these young men, the many men. I can always remember the faces even if I didn’t know their names.

Malcolm enjoyed every moment watching me there with those grown men. He enjoyed them getting me high and feeding me more and more booze. He enjoyed them blasting a stereo with rock music, which he always hated unless it was for one of these types of ‘special days’. I believe they had an 8track with the Rolling Stones playing in the background. I remember it was making every bone in my body hurt as they banged away. If you remember the early Stones, it was actually pretty heavy during the mid 70’s as were most bands back then. However, the Stones have always been pretty recognizable by their music. To this day I cannot stand to hear their music because it takes me right back to that boat and again I feel the many men surrounding me from every angle.

There were at least three trips to that barge boat I remember, but the faces were not always the same. Most of the men looked to be shaggy, grungy, and about their around their late 20’s to early 30’s. I remember being terrified. I remember quite clearly not knowing what was going to happen, or who was going to do what. I remember not knowing who was behind me and not being able to focus clearly. This may have been my body dissociating because it was too traumatic or it may have been caused from the drugs or alcohol.

Lord only knows what they were feeding me to lower my ability to fight back and make a child so drunk she just fell into their arms.

There was the night I was ordered to have the party while he took Mother out of the house. Malcolm picked out what I was supposed to wear. He told me what boys I needed to invite and then gave me the instructions on how to start playing spin the bottle and allow them all to grope and take me into my bedroom upstairs. This happened on more than one occasion that would always lead to playing Post Office and I was the only piece of mail to handle.

I remember the school mates who lined up to receive the blow jobs or were ordered to take me into the next room and “give me the fucking I deserved”!!! I remember two school friends of my brother’s whom I thought I could trust as friends. Upon their invitation I went for a cruise to smoke a joint. The next thing I knew we were parked on the back rode, I’m thrown down in the backseat of the car with one of teens on top of me and my zipper broken as he ripped off my jeans. I remember well the face of the other guy as he stayed on the front seat with his head turned back, watching and cheering on as his buddy plugged away and I was crying for help. The guy in front was one my brother had been hanging out with for about four years or more, so they were pretty close friends; otherwise I never would have gone with them in the first place. He looked me straight in the eye while his buddy raped me and then told me what a ‘rotten fuck’ I was. ‘How disgusting I was and why did he think I would be worth fucking in the first place’.

These are the types of rapes and orgy type of events that were such a huge part of my teen years. Most of them took place after the rape via shotgun barrel, but it certainly didn’t make them any less traumatic. As I got older it became more difficult for me to be lured into the parties because I was finally working and did my best to be gone as much as possible, especially if I could work late shift at the cloak room of the restaurant. Thank heaven for work because it became my way to escape it all. I didn’t have to be at home slaving for them if I was working. I didn’t have to be available to attend the late night parties if I could work instead. Malcolm and I began fighting each other constantly.

I’m not so sure just how much my brother and sister knew about all of the parties, rapes, orgies, but I know they knew about the beatings and the molestations from Malcolm himself. Either way they too were just children and trapped in the same alcoholic daily fueled home I was in, so I wouldn’t have expected them to do anything for my rescue even if they had the chance. I know there were a few times when my adopted brother John protected me, which happened more so after my other brother went off to the army at 17. John was still living at the house mainly because he really didn’t have anyone else who wanted to claim him as their son. Mother opened her house up to any child that needed a place to sleep, eat, rest, call home for awhile or just needed some form of kindness. Funny though, she didn’t give a crap about what was happening to her own daughter. Anyone could do anything and she would call me the whore for allowing it to happen. 

My God, what would it take for her to just see me as her little girl, her daughter, her flesh & blood, the child she created and carried, gave birth to and cared for; at least until the man she married began attacking me while she was home, in the next room, giving me away, parading me as if I was some type of treasure for others to use. A treasure which only he could determine who and what they did to me. A treasure he could force or coerce into whatever situation suited his sadistic pleasures at that time.

These days there is a lot of excellent work I’ve done in my healing from being a sexually abuse, raped & molested, beaten & tortured child. However, there is also a lot of accepting in what my body has been put through with the many other men. How do you tell people that before you were 17, you have no idea how many teen boys & grown men had used your body for sex?. How do you tell people about how they were multiples at once, not just a guy here or there? How do you explain to people that when you look them in the face, knowing they know all about your past, you’re terrified of what judgment passes through their mind?

So many had used me one way or the other, orally or raped, and then told me I was like screwing a dog or a horse. I wasn’t worthy of them even admitting they had sex with me. I can understand the older men in our little community, because I was just a kid and they were paying Malcolm to come to the parties so they could feel up the child who was forced to drink, get high, and be their entertainment; all while Mother sat in her bedroom watching TV and giving me a snide  ‘Have Fun’ as she closed the door.

Its bad enough to accept that you have no clue how many men there were throughout those years. Its horrifying to know that I barely escaped as Malcolm wanted to put me up in my own little trailer; have his own little private lock with his own little private key; so we could have all the little private parties he wished and invite as many as would pay!!

Sadly, I’m not so sure that what’s been swirling around in my head lately is because I’ve been looking more into working directly with some anti-trafficking advocates & task force rescuers, or if its because I’ve been pushing myself to promote the book? Anytime I start putting myself out there on display, be it in promoting the book; or really, doing anything that brings the attention and focus to my special anything, I instantly start hearing all of those voices saying to me; ‘What a dirty, ugly, rotten fuck I was and they had no clue why they thought I would be worth their time or money.’ As I got older it would be boyfriends & husbands who smashed my head into the mirror while screaming about how ugly I was and why in the hell did they end up with me?

All of these condemning words accompanied any type of vulnerable position I might have been in and today as I’m reaching out with some focus on me and on the book, I am right back there again and it’s like a jagged knife ripping away at the healing I’ve built up to protect me.

How and when does it end? When will all that they have done to me be over and all their evil have passed through my spirit so that I can truly be on the other side? Why is it that during all those horrific teen years of my life did not one person ever feel like I was worth saving? What was it about the blue eyed child that made me such an outcast by all of those around me? Was it the rot of my skin, the stench of my body, the broken black fangs of my teeth? Was it the evil of Malcolm and his wicked games?

Maybe one day I will get my answer, but truly I’m not so sure that will ever come. As I’ve said, this has been eating away inside this past couple weeks and I feel like, as one dear friend put it so well, ‘Like Trecia Ann is screaming I’m alive and no one is listening, no one feels that I am worthy once again.’

What a tragedy life can be at times. How horrible the feelings of being a sex trafficked child and knowing in your heart that so many knew and chose to do nothing. How am I supposed to feel about all of it now? Angry, yes I am, but trying hard not to express it. Who would I express it too, there is no way to address all those who took part, witnessed, or just didn’t give a damn. Malcolm is gone now and Mother made sure he was buried with full military honors. Mother is out of my life and we haven’t spoken but a few hateful words in the past five years. None of my siblings want anything to do with me at all, and that was way before the book went public or before I even thought about writing it at all. Who should receive the anger, myself for what I took part in with the alcohol and weed, cocaine and a few downers? Could I have escaped any earlier than I did? Could I have done something to stop it all from happening? Was I that trained to just simply obey or did I know the beating may not be survived if I turned them all down and started screaming?

I’m not so sure what to think of myself now. I’m not so sure how others will accept this when they read it. However, something tells me much like my writing to help those molested and raped by their parents and others, this too is a way they will be able to feel and process another part of their own pain. I’m taking a huge chance at putting this out there, I can only imagine what whispers will be shared. However, in my healing and building a new life for myself, one without shame and without pain, this is a part of the process I must work through. Let’s pray that it reaches those it should. That it helps just one young person who has been forced to endure these same types of vicious crimes. Maybe someday it will all be done and I will then simply be able to just be me and just be happy.

‘I am screaming, I am alive, I do matter!!

Patricia ‘Trish’ McKnight          promoblkwht.jpg

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Author: ‘My Justice’

©Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery 2012 

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamstalkradio

 

 

The Maddening Silence!!

The Maddening Silence!!.

Shocking, Disturbing, Disgusting, Atrocious, and horrifying!!!

These title words are just some of the adjectives used when people hear the true evil of my published story. The many responses, press announcements, Five Star Reviews shared about My Justice’, have been shared around the web for almost two years now. Our world media outlets and our First Amendment Right to Freedom of speech is what enables us to our stories to teach the next generation about the dark destructive evils of mankind!!!

I know very few people ever get their stories noticed in the media; especially if it has anything to do with the most darkest actions of our human society. However isn’t it rather weird that we are drawn to those televised reality shows of addiction, dysfunction and despair, so long as it doesn’t hit in the deepest secrets of our home?

“My Justice’ is a story that rocks the moral fortitude of our human society. It is a story that most don’t want to even think could happen in our small American, hometown style, communities.

Bookcvr1              559283_341569465919905_320748185_n (240x185)

This true life horror story, ‘My Justice’, has now been read by hundreds. It isn’t a life I am proud to have lived by any means, but it is one that I am thankful to have survived!!!

TRUTH: Survivors of abuse, especially years (decades) of evil, violent and vicious degradation, disfiguring neglect, and being passed around to others like a party favor; this is something that is extremely difficult to admit to ourselves. Accepting that our parents are the guilty parties who trained us to be less than human; taught us that nothing about us is worth noticing. We were not raised as children, but merely objects to be used and brutalized; objects for sexual gratification to our parents, friends of the family and those permitted into this secret world. Our human value is never instilled, guided, or protected. It is stripped away from us and ripped from within our being. We believe there is nothing about us that matters and one of the most difficult challenges is to believe we have value or to promote ourselves in any manner!!

I have found my voice, found my strength; found my value as a human being. As hard as it is to pat myself on the back, especially for the truths of subject matter involved; I HAVE FOUND MY COURGE TO SPEAK UP AND REMOVE THE COAL STAINED HAND THAT HELD ME CAPTIVE FOR DECADES, FOR THIS I AM EXTREMELY PROUD!!!

‘My Justice’ has been incredibly reviewed by astounding individuals and the FIVE STAR RATED REVIEWS and comments continue to be shared by those who read the story!!!

Best selling author of geo-political thrillers such as: ‘Den of the Assassins’; ‘Cloning Christ’ and the novel he published from parts of his own amazing journey, ‘Chasing the Cyclone’; devoted child advocate, Founder/CEO of I CARE Foundation, Mr. Peter Thomas Senese has published many outstanding PR Web announcements, Amazon Reviews, and his own many blog shares about his thoughts on ‘My Justice’……….

Renown New York based Attorney Joel Walter has given the story huge praise and a big two thumbs up!!!………."There are occasions when a book is written that shakes the very foundation you stand on. In ‘My Justice,’ Patricia McKnight has written an excellent, inspiring story of the human spirit. It serves as a reminder of many things. First, the importance for those who fall victim to abuse to stand strong and unashamed in the wake of their ordeal, and to find the courage to liberate themselves from those that chain their body, their mind, and their spirit. It too, is a reminder for each of us in society to not turn a blind eye to abuse, and to say ‘abuse will not be tolerated, ‘My Justice’ is an incredible story of courage and freedom in the wake of those who try to withhold these essential liberties. Clearly it took Ms. McKnight a great deal of courage to break her own personal chains, and to share this remarkable story. This story will impact many who Ms. McKnight knows, and many, many more she never will meet, but who’s lives she will make better. I highly recommend this story as much as I urge others victimized by abuse to emulate Ms. McKnight’s courage."

Ms. Linda Walcher, a retired teacher of Freeburg Community School system; now a tutor for other up and coming teachers has shared her FIVE STAR RATING of this story……….. “This novel is a teaching of awareness for anyone who has direct contact with children to the extreme tragedy of neglect that is so commonly overlooked, but which can be the beginning signs of something much deeper. As a teacher, a mother, a person who cherishes all children; this amazingly well written novel made me want to scream and beg for others to read the details that are so exceptionally shared in the glorious strength of a child’s words.”

Dr. Brenda-Joyce Orozco Markert_Green- an educator of up and coming therapists has shared her FIVE STAR REVIEW…….. Please pick up a copy and read it. Most people do not understand all of the factors and variables that come into play in abusive situations, and this book spells out many of these. You will get more of an idea of what children who are being abused go through, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well, in order to survive their abusive situations. Trish also describes the abuse that she survived in her adult life, which points out the dynamics that play out in adult abuse situations also. Once you pick up the book, you will not be able to put it down! This is a must-read, and one that everyone should share with others, so that we can eradicate both child abuse and partner abuse! 

Dr. Brenda, also personally shared with me her desire to use this story as a recommended reading source for her students to see inside the silent child and survivor who struggles to exist in her daily life.

The absolute best quote I can share about ‘My Justice’ is from Ms. Darlene Jones, Exec. Director of Violence Prevention Center of Southwestern Illinois, whose comments were video taped by News Channel 5, KSDK videographer/reporter Kevin Held, as we spoke at S.W.I.C. about the Illinois Healthcare Grant they received to provide education, prevention measures and assistance to victims of abuse and/or family/relationship violence. Unfortunately however, the final published cut of the video did not share her beginning words about the story.

Ms. Darlene Jones, Exec. Director
Author/Advocate/Survivor Patricia A. McKnight

Her special words: ‘If Patricia’s story would have been shared just ten years ago, we’d be hearing her share it on the Today Show’!!!

I cannot say enough about how much this means to me, but there is much more to be said about the value of this novel. There are many hundreds and even thousands who have connected with me simply because the power of sharing my story has given them the courage to speak their own truth. Every day there are survivors, victims, followers, even personal friends who have been so deeply shocked at this story, so incredibly moved by this story they have been impacted in ways that have changed their world. At one time they may have been one of the many still held in that heavy steel cage of silence. Once they may have been someone who turned away and pretended not to notice these evil acts around them, but now they have been empowered with voice and they are passing that inspiration forward to others and all of us are finding the courage to stand against these crimes. The greatest power of sharing these horrifying details is the very public apology I give to my children throughout the story, which was my greatest inspiration; to explain the why of all the turmoil and dysfunction that flowed in to invade their lives because of the ignored, abused, trafficked child then became their mother.

‘Yes I am one of those millions in our society who was once a victim of these vicious abuses by those entrusted with my care’!!

My Justice’ has inspired victims to reach out and seek help. Survivors who have been trapped in these dark secrets for years have now been empowered to speak up and come forward. A few of these incredible survivors who have reached out to me and stated they’ve been inspired with hope by my story; have also been sharing their own secrets and touching the souls of other victims. They are journalists, bloggers, advocates, Facebook support group leaders and founders, such as; Viga Boland, Mary Graziano, Patricia Caldwell-Singleton, Michal Madison and Janice Meadows-Hedrick, Author Sharon Newkirk-Wells, of course this is just to name a few off the top of my head.

I am continually truly amazed by the wonderful strength of these voices. For me to feel like ‘My Justice’ has been not only highly praised and reviewed by some of these astounding every day friends, gives me hope and fills my spirit with drive to continue supporting them, while driving forward to reach out to our media outlets about the importance of making it public. One day it will shine for the many well written qualities it carries and the spirit of the survivor who has walked this amazing journey to freedom.

To all of you who have read my many blogs, read the novel, heard my voice on blog talk radio or connected through private messaging or phone calls; you have all made a huge impact on my world!!! There is no way that I can ever thank you enough for sharing your support, kindness, and most of all for finding your voice to speak your own truth!!! I am forever indebted to each of you. Perhaps one day we will live long enough to see it all make a difference!!!

There is more that has come from publishing my story two years ago. Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery has been built because of all of you who have reached out to me and shared your own journey. Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery has been built because of all the interviews written; some already published, some still waiting to be published, but without you I never would have believed in this dream or built this site to provide information, resources, and help others understand the wounds we carry from the traumas of our past. To take what I’ve learned through life’s journey and know that it matters; to know it is helping in a greater mission; to inspire some human kindness, to give hope to many who have had none; this is much like the bond and deep self appreciation of giving birth, which is exactly what has happened.

I have found and given birth to the me who has been hiding inside and this new child will never be held in silence again.

There is also the connection I have made with those other shining survivors who have come before me to share their stories and carry a devotion of advocacy and change, a mountain of hope filled with information and inspiration for our society. These many who I highly respect and hope to one day have all of us sharing our stories; hearing them and reading them through our many media outlets, which then allows it to penetrate our society and climb into the cracks of our homes, giving hope to those trapped inside that there are others fighting for their freedom from these atrocities.

There are millions of these incredible survivors who know the depth of pain and evil that our own parents and those who walk among our society as law abiding citizens, pillars of the community, or worse those who are seen as vicious souls, but not one person around them ever worries about the children within their care.

Some of those who I respect most for their courage to make a difference are; Annie O’Sullivan, Michael Skinner, Lynn Tolson, Paula Phelps, Jan Frayne, and of course Miss Erin Merryn who is making great changes by the enactment of Erin’s Law across the country!!!.

As I said, its difficult for a survivor to believe it matters and market themselves and their incredible work to reach the hearts of society. Someone could make a ton of money by choosing to market these survivor stories. Of course I’m speaking for those of us who don’t already have some type of marketing resource for our voices to be heard.

The Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Talk Radio is out to help get those voices out there and allow them to be heard. We want to share your story and share the amazing work you have dedicated to making a difference. I hope each of you will join me as a guest or co-host for a live broadcasting. It is vital to bring these stories out, let society see our numbers, and bring an ease of topic and discussion about the darkest of these ugly actions from one human being against another.

It all matters because of the growing epidemic of abuse and family violence/relationship violence that is still plaguing our society today and it just keeps getting worse. Mankind is destroying the moral fortitude that lies within us all. We are still living in the hell that generations before us have taught and passed forward, yet very few stories are ever heard and rarely make it to the news and other media outlets.

We have created our own manmade cancer and it has been festering in the silence, eating away at our society for centuries. Now we have the opportunity to change what has been. Our choice to do the right thing and teach our children through the stories of our past, is the only chance we have at bringing an end and giving them a better, safer, world in which to flourish.

You don’t see our stories make it to the New York Times Best Seller List. These truths are not read about in the Time magazine. They are not read about or reviewed in the Chicago Tribune, the LA Times, or the Riverfront Times here in the St. Louis area. Even our televised talk shows such as The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Ricki Lake, Dr. Phil, or Dr. Drew, and The Today Show; all of these turn away from the growing numbers of voices who are sharing these truths. Here in St. Louis area we have St. Louis Today, or Great Day St. Louis, but none of these will broach the subject of sharing a special on these dark pasts, which are incredible stories of survival. It truly makes me want to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs, hoping to reach every person within 500 miles of my voice; “Dammit it Matters People’!!!

We continuously see commercials for the Humane Society and the ASPCA; the abuse, malnourished, abandoned creatures of these dysfunctional homes are given more attention and supported by our financial donations, but the children and abused, beaten souls within the homes are left to rot in the plague of evil actions.

Isn’t our society at all shocked by the horrific nature of these brutal acts within our homes? If not, shouldn’t we be? The longer we remain silent about these vicious attacks within our own homes, the longer we allow our children and future generations to be destroyed!!!

These horrific nightmares still continue to infect the lives of our children every second of every day. The Illinois Department of Children and Family Services released the 2012 PDF file reports, which show 218 Children Murdered by acts of physical or neglectful abuse, yet there is only minimal response from our politicians and lawmakers who have the power to make a difference.

Was there a response to the email I sent to our President Barrack Obama? – No

Was there a response from the THREE PAGE LETTER and copy of ‘My Justice’ that I personally mailed to our beautiful family oriented First Lady Michelle Obama? – No

Was there a response to the video I made as a public plea for help to Dr. Phil? – No

Was there a response to the email I sent to our Senator Dick Durbin? A very basic return email was received, stating quite simply; ‘Thank you for your interest’. REALLY????

Has Congress yet passed Protect our Kids Act? – No

Have our Senate and House Representatives yet given the approval and passed into action the Reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act? – No

Perhaps we are turning away from these evil brutal truths because there are so many millions, if not billions, who still walk in the silence of these crimes today? Perhaps we do not want to open the door to all of these stories because we are afraid it will hit too close to home and we will realize there is someone we know; someone who is close to us; someone we love; perhaps even our own children who are still struggling to survive these atrocious acts of evil?

If we do not bring these truths to the forefront of our discussions then how will we be able to convince our kids it is safe; they CAN talk, they CAN speak up, they DO NOT have to feel ashamed of what’s happened to them. How can we empower our kids with the greatest weapon they hold; their voice? IF WE ARE NOT PUBLICLY TALKING ABOUT THESE STORIES AND THEIR GROWING NUMBERS, HOW CAN WE TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO SPEAK UP FOR THEIR OWN PROTECTION? How can we possibly teach them there is no shame if we are still turning away, pretending not to see or hear; whispering about the acts, but yet telling our kids there is nothing to be ashamed of, it is not their fault?.

We cannot remove the stain of shame on these victims until we can talk about it comfortably ourselves. What example of decency are we giving them if we are still whispering about the crimes of abuse and violence within our homes? I believe it continues to drive into our children that they must remain silent rather than reveal their rapist is their father, or their mother, or even their sibling. It’s alright to come forward and speak when it is someone outside the family unit, be it a teacher, minister, coach, boy scout leader; admitting this and charging them publicly is an act of courage and they should be proud of those they saved from falling prey to these monsters, but stay quiet if it is one of us who is attacking you and beating you, raping you, molesting you; don’t air your dirty laundry is what we are still teaching our kids today.

Excuse my blunt nature, but this is not a crime we survivors have committed; it is a crime that has been committed against us!!! The acts of child rape, molestation, beating, neglect, murder; the acts of beating and degrading, controlling and attempting to murder our spouses or partners; these are all crimes, but yet they are never heard in criminal courts. These acts are dealt with in family courts. Why? If it is a stranger who pushes me, punches me, attacks me in any manner, then it is a criminal case. However; if my father rapes me, my mother beats me and the entire community around me refuses to see the harmful neglect of rotting teeth, filthy hygiene and growing disgust of flesh eating infection, then all of this should be kept quiet. Never again will I be silent about what those around me did and those within my community either watched it happen or they took part in the trafficking of a child. They ignored the horrifying screams of me begging my husband to please stop beating me. They pretended not to see the face so beaten that it was beyond recognition and the broken ribs, collar bones, and severe bruising that covered my body was all just a ploy for attention. Really?????

To all of you incredible survivors who have fought through the madness that is inflicted by these crimes, I say to you;

NEVER GIVE UP!!! Our stories may never make it to be great success stories, but I guarantee you that each of your stories are touching the lives of those who read them. We are opening up the door so that others can see the horrific destruction that is caused by these acts. Your stories are being whispered about, but they are touching the lives of other victims and relieving the burden of shame they carry. Your stories and mine are making a difference ONE SOUL AT A TIME and we will make an impact on the generations to come. We are all saving the life of someone we don’t even know and rescuing those who live trapped in this hell. 

My choice to speak up was made for my children so that I could help them understand and see the person who lies within their mother. My choice to break free from the trained pattern of accepting these violent acts against me was because of the desire to give my children a better way of life. The choice I make right now to commit the rest of my years as an advocate is done for the children yet to come. It is a hope that things will change, that our society will see what is happening; our children falling apart and the surge of mental despair that is exploding around us; this is my drive to build what I feel is my path, my destiny. It helps me to take the thirty years of brutal and almost deadly attacks I’ve survived, then turn it all around into something as precious and gentle as a butterfly coming to life.

Now is the time for all of us to climb out of the darkness of our cocoon and soar into the possibilities of a better life. I am one of the many, one of the devoted, now one of the strong adamant souls who are spreading my wings and flying through the wonderful freedom of safety and happiness, which of course is something we were all intended to have as we took our first breath of life.

Live Strong & Fly Free

© Patricia A. McKnight

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

Founder/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Survivors World online support group

Generation No More

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

My Justice’ is available through most online book resources

Authorhouse.com/Barnes&Noble/Amazon/Lulu

Paperback, E-Book, Kindle & Nook Versions

2012 in review – Very Exciting and always growing

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 8,300 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 14 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Officially Copyrighted, Protected and Registered

Dear Friends,

It saddens me to make this post, but it is necessary in order to protect the reputation I have built and continue to strive in perfection. Many of you have known me since the beginning two years ago; others only from the radio shows, and a few who are just getting acquainted. Those who know me, also know my devotion; the reputation I have worked endlessly to build throughout the internet and on social networking sites.

It has been brought to my attention; information that I have written up on this OFFICIALLY COPYRIGHT REGISTERED AND PROTECTED SITE AND ON THE OFFICIALLY COPYRIGHT REGISTERD AND PROTECTED WEBSITE; is now being rewritten by a few and given as their own creation!!! This is an infringement not only of the copyright protection laws, but also as a respected and trustworthy advocate.

Every post I share is quoted from the original creator of that post or shared from a (via friend) profile post. Therefore I find it offensive that anyone would take the hours that I put into writing/developing/building/creating and post it with the words jumbled to be their own creation. Please respect the very hard work that each and every advocate puts forth each day to help others understand, cope, and get through the muck of surviving or dealing with some form of abuse/violence.

Remember, we are all in this together and only by respecting each other can we truly be a good example for others to follow!!!

Thank You,

Patricia A. McKnight

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Radio Host & Prod/Survivor

Founder/Pres. Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Survivors World online support group

Generation No More

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

©All information on this site and the official website of Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery is REGISTERED AND PROTECTED under official copyright protection act. Any transformation of these written words without the expressed written consent of the author is forbidden.

 

The wounds you can’t see…..

There are many different truths of being a survivor of trauma that I’ve shared in the past two years. Almost everyday I try to share something positive to empower others like myself, to inspire hope for a new awakening to the truths of the damage inflicted by the acts and the darkest of mankind’s evil actions against another.

As many of you are aware also, I spent not only twelve years enduring the vicious attacks, both physical and sexual, from my stepfather; the endless rejection from my family, but also twenty years of repeated physical attacks from FIVE separate men. This isn’t to say that only men are the attackers, it’s just what I went through. (There are thousands of women who are very aggressive and who need the power over others).

So now I look at where I am today. I always talk about living in your present. For most survivors, this means we have to TAKE CONTROL OF OUR THOUGHTS. We have to concentrate and keep them from getting sucked into the past. I, and many like me, deal with this every moment of every day!!! Try it for awhile, it’s not an easy task and it takes time to become good at focusing your energy on staying in the positive. It’s difficult enough for anyone in today’s world, but for someone who has gone through years of brutal trauma; it’s truly much more difficult. Not something I would wish on any other being.

How do I see myself right now?

1) My life is in a very safe place.

2) It is well supported (for the most part anyway). I really don’t have family or friends from my past that are with me now. There are a few who have come from my hometown of Freeburg, a few who I went to school with and their parents know mine. It is not their fault of what happened to me. Its not their fault they didn’t say something or question. They were kids like me and it was a different time in our world. Kids didn’t speak against parents and no one talked about abuse or violence in the home. Sadly this is why we have so many of us who are survivors now. The cruelty of our parents came from the cruelty and discipline of their parents. We live what we know and patterns of acceptable behavior are formed. However, there were many adults who had both a responsibility to question and the authority to help rescue. For today though my friends both who have come into my life through Robbie, and those I have made in the virtual world of social networking; these are the people that stand by me now and accept all I am today. This is huge for me. Never before have I felt like I didn’t have to hide from anyone or hide the truth of who I am and what happened. This is my empowerment and the strand of hope that guides me through.

3) My physical health is a wreck; multiples of vertebral and spinal cord traumas. I suffer from Syringomyelia, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Obstructive Pulmanary Disease, the early stages of Atherosclerosis, Neuropathy in my hands and feet from the spinal cord damage, which caused severe burning, stinging, numbness in my fingers and toes and heels. I’m not wheelchair bound, but not far from it sometimes. There are instant migraines that can hit by simply turning my head to quick to look at something. There are many days that it’s difficult to even climb out of bed.

4) My mental health is a constant work in progress. Do I feel good about where I am today? Yes, but there are still the lasting effects from the attacks. I go through cycles of depression. Most days are pretty good, but then one morning I wake up and all I want to do is sleep it away. I get startled very easily. It freaks me out when my dog pants heavy. These days I don’t feel the need any longer to lock the bathroom door, at least most times when showering, but I still get sudden sensations of my stepfather sneaking outside the shower curtain. When I run a tub of water, I am reminded of having my head shoved under and the attempted (almost completed) drowning at 19. This happened a lot with the first of my chosen men. There are moments and memories of all the attacks that stay with me.

5) The relationships with my children are strained at best. Things happened that placed them in danger, by choices of both their father when he ran with them and me with my different abusive husband/boyfriends. Their stepfather was in my life for either years and only the first six months were pretty. There was one that struck my teen daughter and I ended up in jail for punching him in the face. There was another that threw my daughter into a closet door as he tossed her away when she was trying to defend me. There were constant days of walking on eggshells for them and worrying about if they were too loud, left their toys out, if they stomped around too much upstairs. They had dinners of waiting for the explosion or waiting for the drunk to come through the door. It was horrible for them, how can I expect us to have a healthy relationship? How can I expect them to have healthy relationships and view their life without memories, flashbacks, triggers, repeated patterns of behavior and more?

So why do I give so much of myself to staying in a positive light? I know that with my health, I’ll be lucky to have another FIVE good years. I know this reality and Robbie does as well. It’s alright, I don’t worry about the day of dying; I worry about what happens after I’m gone. Have I given all I can to try to help others learn the importance of being decent, helping to rescue and support those who live with this trauma? Is publishing my story and being an advocate with true passion enough to tell my children how sorry I am for all they had to go through? Will I really be able to build something from all of the bad that’s happened so that I can provide some type of change for the future? All the years of pain have to mean something, it cannot be just because that’s what happened. It cannot be that a soul can be so destroyed and controlled by so many different offenders and live for over THIRTY years accepting these attacks; believing that you deserved each and every single one, this cannot be my only existence in this world.

Moving into 2013 I have shared the new website, http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com I have also shared our radio show will be starting NEXT FRIDAY!!! On Jan 04, 2013 – I will be broadcasting our first show and the other hosts will be calling in to announce their programs. I’m really excited about bringing all of this to one focal point. The website, the Survivors World support group, Generation No More, it’s all coming together and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve spent the greater part of the past two years trying to decide how I really wanted to help. This provides all I was aiming at doing before the Good Lord takes me away.

Staying positive for me is absolutely necessary!!! I cannot maintain any other way. There is too much pain and dark memories that climb into my world as it is, there are too many moments of my wanted happy life that have been disrupted already. I can’t let the numerous abusers of my past take away what’s left of my life. I will not allow myself to wallow in what has been, but instead my drive and my focus is aimed at what I can try to change. In my heart and in my soul I believe there are thousands of women just like me; beaten down from a brutal life of accepting so many violent attacks. There are some still living in these types of relationships, there are others who are still living in the silent pain of what’s happened. There are millions of men who are also finally finding out it’s alright to say, ‘I Hurt’!!! We do hurt, and it sucks, but do not give in and let them win. Please take back the happy moments you deserve in this life. You are not born to be a target of others. You are not given life just so others can destroy it. Every living being has a purpose on this earth. There is life inside every heartbeat. How can we pretend that all of this means nothing?

Hopefully all of you who read this will find one strand of hope written within these truths. It’s not easy to be us, it sucks to be one who was so wrongfully abused and had an entire lifetime taken from them. How can we not try to seek out that star of ours? How can we allow someone to endure this dark pain alone? Friends, there is no other option but to keep moving forward and continue putting forth the effort to live happy!!!

May your new beginning that comes with the spirit of the New Year, 2013; be one that you grab onto and live it for all its worth. May you know unconditional love and feel the friendship of those who see your inside self and still accept who you are. May you build dreams and chase them, create them, design them, and allow them spirit to fly. I’ve given my project the name Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery because I want to help others climb out of the cocoon of their past, no matter what that past has attached. If you are unhappy in life, there is only one person who can change what is. Spread your beautiful wings and become all that you were born to be. Find the you that lives inside and wants to now have their turn. We can all find reasons and excuses why we don’t chase after better happier ways, but it shows great courage to climb out from under all the sadness and pain; picking up the puzzle pieces of your life and building, recreating, the beautiful spirit within.

Here’s to giving hope and love to your dreams come true!!! May you walk proud and with glory for all you’ve overcome.

Be magical, Be you Smile

© Patricia A. McKnight

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Radio Host/Survivor

Fndr/Pres: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

My Justice’ – This is not about any legal form of justice ever received or charged in my story. The justice is in finally finding my voice and the courage to talk about all that’s happened; the impact it left on me; the cycle that moved forward to my children.

May you find peace and justice in speaking about your truth!!!

Three Coping Skills Everyone Can Use–becoming your own thriver!!!

We all have something that has happened to darken our world, even those who are just regular folks and have never experienced any form of abuse or violence, still have something that has invaded their life with a cloud of bad memories. It’s really hard to focus on our present life when we have all of these dark thoughts around us; even sharing online with others and staying in the advocacy mission can keep these memories bouncing around and often they will overpower what is good.

It is painful to acknowledge what happened. To accept the pain and anger, the grieving and sadness is important to fully heal and process what has been buried for so long, but at the same time we have to remain conscious of our present day life in order to find the strength to get through this. I really find it is hardest during the beginning process of this because you have to accept the truth and come out of your dissociation and denial mode of living. There is a lot I’ve learned about living in my present life rather than being sucked into the horrible times of my past. There are many times during the days of being home alone with just my thoughts, when I find myself facing these memories. It’s during all these quiet moments of being alone that I have to work hardest at a practice I’ve been doing for about 12 years, DISTRACTING MY BRAIN FROM THE BAD!!!

The truth is WE CANNOT TAKE AWAY WHAT’S HAPPENED and sometimes it is very difficult to accept; even more so when family and loved ones shut us out, blame us, abandon us and turn away from the pain we carry. We feel as if we are in a cyclone of whirling emotions and don’t know how to stay grounded. It is indeed a tragedy of what’s been taken from you, what’s been lost in your world and the good others invaded. However, the hard part is realizing the world keeps spinning and you must find a way to go on with your life.

Finding ways to GO ON with life, doesn’t mean living in denial nor does it mean you are ignoring what’s happened; it means  YOU ARE NOW IN CONTROL OF WHAT HAPPENS!!! Yes, you have choices and you are in control of how this effects your life.

1) You can whine and wallow in the horrible trauma you’ve suffered and stay in the rut of darkness. However if you choose this place you must realize the world will not stop spinning and others will go on with their life; no one will stay in the dark world and you will find yourself sinking deeper each day.

2) You also may think you have the option to take yourself out of the picture because it is too hard to deal with, but let me assure you; THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!!! If you respond to your pain and allow it to control your world, then you may think the only way to beat this is by harming yourself in some way. YOU MUST NOT ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS!!! Suicide or committing an act of harm in any way is NEVER AN OPTION!!! You leave behind pain for those who love you; your children, their future, your spouse or partner; these are the people who want to be part of your life and want to make fresh happy memories with you, which will ease the pain of your past when you allow them to blossom!!!

(National Suicide Prevention Lifeline; when you need immediate contact with a voice!!! Please Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Do not allow the abusers of your past to have control over your future. Build something better for yourself. Chase the life you were meant to have and replace those bad thoughts with positive, happy, loving memories of your children or what you want to have in your life. No matter how difficult it may get, and it is very difficult at the different stages of acceptance and healing, but never allow yourself to be over powered by these dark memories. Never give in to the thoughts of being overwhelmed, reach out to connect with anyone when these thoughts begin to take control. You may not believe there are people who depend on you to make them complete and happy, but every soul in this world has at least one person who needs them and loves them unconditionally.

There is a lot we fear; a lot we are angry about; a lot of things can set off a feeling of panic, this is now just a part of who we are. No one can erase or change what has happened. Believe me I wish there was a way to make it all just disappear, but there isn’t. None of us can turn back the clock and what would you do if you could? You would still be that same person faced with the same fear, so why be stuck in that time?

It’s important for anyone who struggles with depression, PTSD, flashbacks, or bad dreams and memories to seek out what is good in their life now. A few important things to focus on, which may help you fight through:

1) Are you in a safe environment? Remembering that you are now safe and no longer have to fear another attack is vital. Although you may be dealing with painful memories or flashbacks of what happened, you can always direct your focus and control your thoughts to feel the area of safety around you now.

2) Who are those you can turn to when things feel overwhelming? Creating this list, complete with phone numbers, will give you a quick go to list of someone who can brighten your moment during your time of need. When you build this list take extra time to think of your partner/spouse; determine if you can talk to them about your darkest thoughts. You want to talk and help them understand why you bounce back and forth between happy and depressed times. It makes it easier for them to stick it out and support you or help you through.

3) What are the positives in your life now? You want to think about your life and where you are now. Not only are you safe and loved, but what about your ability to keep food, clothing, shelter, for you and your family. Our world is in economic crisis right now, so if you can manage those three vital parts of surviving you are doing much better than some others in our country. Many are without housing, hungry, out on the streets or living in their cars. Many do not have jobs of any form to keep a steady flow of income to ensure the necessities are being maintained. This is a HUGE POSITIVE for you and should be your main focus, especially if you have children. Also list any other positives about your life right now, such as; your professional success or the fact you have risen above any other person’s expectations. This meaning, you may have been beaten down to believe you had no value, but if you are in a career or professional status of maintaining your survival; then you have risen above what others may have tried to take away from you.

I realize this time of year is difficult for many of you, but if you are not focused on what is good around you now, then your bad thoughts will win control and the depression will become heavy. You must work at being a thriver in society, but that’s OK because everyone has to work at being a thriver. You are no different than anyone else in our society. Sure you have had bad things happen, or have family who continues to be offensive or battering to you, but if you really take control of your thoughts and where you are right now, then you become stronger with each passing moment and you will build your foundation for the life you want to achieve.

My wish for all of you at this time is that you see how truly strong you are. I wish for you to look in the mirror and see an amazing person standing there. A person who has climbed out of the darkest hole to see the brightness shining around them. A person who is stronger than anyone ever believed possible. A person who has overcome the challenges against them and have pulled themselves from the ashes of destruction and built a magnificent blossoming rose in its place. May you find a breath of strength to seek your own life and see your value, absorb the positive around you, and build fresh happy memories to replace the darkness of your past.

May you break out of your cocoon and spread those beautiful wings to fly upward to your new beginning!!!

Patricia A. McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’

Founder/President: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

Join me in Survivors World by visiting the website above and completing the membership form. Both men and women who are victims/survivors are welcomed.

© copyrighted All information shared on blogs by Patricia A. McKnight, under the titles of Survivors Justice or Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery are held under copyright protections. Please respect the efforts to bring you this information and all that’s produced to help you succeed.

Thank you

What to expect on Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Radio!!

Announcing our broadcast shows & how you can get involved or support our programming!!!

Friends, Followers, Tweeters, Bookies & All……rainbow butterfly dreams

It is very exciting to share we are moving forward and will be sharing our first broadcast on blog talk radio with you-

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Radio

Jan 04, 2013 at 8 pm c.s.t.

Don’t worry I’ll be putting out the official link and invitation to our first broadcast. This blog is to let you know where we intend to go with the shows, who we are looking for to join us and more.

First off, to let you know we are looking for some other hosts who would like to take a night or two of broadcasting with us and share a specific show with our listeners. If you are interested in becoming a host, have a special show idea you’d like to bring to our programming; please contact me by emailing: butterflydreamsabuserecovery@gmail.com

It would be wonderful to have at least one male host and another female host join the team. Our programming is aimed at discussing all things related to family or relationship violence and/or abuse!!! We want to discuss mental health impacts, costs to our country to aide in the rebuilding and recovery process, coping skills to help you get through those bad days, education/prevention/awareness for our homes and communities.

We will also be discussing some items already initiated on the website:

1) Generation No More – Who are we and what do we hope to do?

Generation No More is a group we are building to speak publicly against all forms of abuse/violence against those we should love & protect; aiming at the crimes existing within the walls of our homes meant to protect us. Our country is coming a long way at a new awakening to the abuse/violence issues. Our media is getting more involved with sharing these reports and friends, neighbors and family are making the calls for help and rescue!!! We really want to keep this positive activity going and allow it to grow across the nation. We need to encourage everyone to get involved with this and let folks know;

‘If we see or hear an act of abuse or violence we will make a call to get help for anyone impacted or to rescue those within the home or where we see/hear these crimes committed.’

There are many who are now parents & grandparents; unfortunately, most of us know what it is like to have a parent sexually touching, raping, or using you for trafficking or other entertainment purposes. There are even more of us who know the pain our parents can inflict on us and then dismiss it by calling it ‘Corrective Parenting’. Those of us who experienced this manner of treatment know there is a huge difference between this type of brutal discipline and corrective parenting.

We also need to keep our voices reporting the violence from our partners, recording it and keeping record of the acts against us or those committed against our sons, daughters, neighbors, friends and co-workers. This is about never ignoring the signs of bruising or any intimidation that seems to be occurring. There are millions of, MOSTLY WOMEN, who know that horrible fear of being held against the wall by our throats, naked at 2am, because the husband/boyfriend came home drunk. Then to make it worse they pull a gun out and force it in your mouth or hold it to your head. Trust me, this happens during the nights of silence throughout many homes around our country. It happens to ONE in FOUR women and other forms of relationship violence happen to approximately ONE in EIGHT men – of course we can only go by the existing reports on file.

Reporting all acts of these crimes will provide better information for statistics, which then provides better information for economic impact, funding resources, education and mental health of our survivors.

Remember; these acts are cruel, terrifying; they change who the person is inside, especially if it is a child. Remember when you are with your friends the fact that at least 93% of ALL CHILD ABUSE occurs within the home of the child and by the parent or guardian of that child!!! As you look at your front door and you see the homes around you, keep in mind – ONE in FOUR homes are dealing with some for of abuse or family violence!!!

Generation No More is about no longer ignoring the truth of these actions and breaking the cycle of dysfunction and cruelty, which almost always passes forward to impact the lives of YOUR children and then to grandchildren. Why? Because it is a generational pattern of accepting these acts as normal; not seeing the destructive trained behaviors it creates in the victims and the lifelong mental health aspects victims are left to struggle through.

2) We will be bringing Survivors World to the broadcast. Many of you have probably heard me discussing the online support group I started back in Jan 2011. There is still the Facebook ‘secret’ group for women victims and survivors. However; I have also added ‘Survivors World’ to the website. The website group is open to both MEN AND WOMEN who have either been victims of child abuse and/or family/intimate partner violence, have a loved one who has been a victim, or perhaps you are trying to figure out ways to escape a bad situation. The group is about sharing information, building friendships with others like ourself, providing positive support, building goals and coping skills together; helping another soul figure out the best way to make it through and rebuild for their happiness.

You can join the online group by submitting the membership request form on the homepage of http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

The broadcast group will be OPEN PHONES for anyone to call in and discuss a specific issue of your experience or ask for a resource of help to escape an abusive relationship. I WILL NOT BE SHARING NAMES ON THE AIR!! Whether you share your true identity or not is strictly up to you, but I will never ask you to release any of your personal information on the air!!!

I hope you will feel at ease, whether male or female, to join us for the online group and the on-air broadcast of ‘Survivors World’

(If you are a women and are interested in joining the ‘secret’ Facebook group, please message me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

If you have taken a few moments to view the pages of our new website; you may have noticed the ‘Resouces’ page. This page holds about 20 references of help and support. Mental Health support with foundations and survivors. Recovery through connecting with Authors and Survivors who are helping others through blogs or groups. There is Creative Arts Healing Oraganizations and Survivors. We want to give you not only information to educate you about Child Abuse, Relationship Violence, Parental Abduction & Human Trafficking; we want you to have multiple resources of organizations, foundations, survivors, authors, bloggers and more to help you get through and understand there is life after abuse.

Your happiness is waiting for you to reach out and grab it and all of us deserve to have safety within our homes!!!

What I am also asking is; if you have a local or state resource in your area that you would like to share for others…..please go to the FORUM DISCUSSION on the Generation No More page and leave the listing on the discussion started by me in the ‘News’ topics!!! We want to share resources around the globe and list all links of help to encourage awareness, provide rescue, empower our parents with the ability to help their children and themselves get through the aftermath of abuse/violence.

You can also email me your local/state/global resource by sending it to butterflydreamsabuserecovery@gmail.com

**Special Note** The Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Talk Radio is looking for supporters to help us share a premium broadcast for everyone. You can be a supporter for one month of programming or a year’s worth. In return for the support/donations to help our premium broadcasting; we will give you a prerecorded commercial and share it during our broadcasts. We will also announce your organization, promote it throughout the month; help you advertise for that month with special interviews and announcements!!! 

If you are interested in becoming a supporter for the talk radio programming and want to find out more about the advertising benefits for you or your organization, please email to tricia.mcknight@hotmail.com

I really do look forward to joining back in on the talk radio programming. I’ve truly missed connecting in voice with all of you amazing listeners. You each have a very special story to be respected and recognized for all you’ve endured. You each have a very special voice that deserves to be heard. We all need to help others by being that extended arm to hug them, support them, guide them, and most of all cheer them on!!

Here’s to the very exciting New Year 2013 and how we can change the generational behaviors of mankind to encourage a brighter, safer world for our children and grandchildren.

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and to share any of it’s information with others. It truly all makes a difference and we need to make a very big difference in the world to come!!!

Sincerely,

Patricia A. McKnight

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Blogger/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

Founder/President – Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Founder/Mngr – Survivors World Support Group Online

Creator – Generation No More

Author: ‘My Justice’

Contact Information;

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

tricia.mcknight@hotmail.com

butterflydreamsabuserecovery@gmail.com

survivorsworld2013@gmail.com

Available for Speaking/Writing/Interviews ……                       41 vspIdtUL__BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-62,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_