This was my life saving chance on me!!!

Warning – **TRIGGERS** – Please know that all posts on this site, including some comments, can be very triggering. You must read these posts at your own pace, face what you can when you can, but challenge yourself just a bit every day!!

Yesterday’s post about my inability to forgive “Mother” for her horrible neglect was a bit harsh perhaps? I was speaking from the anger and I’d be lying if I said there’s none I carry.

It seems most everyone says you must forgive, but I also know that evil exists and there is no level to the darkness other’s can impose on us. While I’ve been able to understand and forgive the many men who have hurt me, stolen my children, threatened my life, shamed and degraded me, the two people who were in control of my childhood will never be forgiven.

The other day on Dreamcatchers Talk Radio, I had the privilege of talking with Author Carter Lee. He wrote a novel about his experiences with anger and voiced his own comments about forgiveness.

“We don’t have to forgive, but we can’t let our past and what others have done keep us back either.”

This is so very true. We each have a choice in life. We were each given a right to be safe, happy and loved when we take that very first breath; we have an obligation to ourselves not to allow anyone control of our final and last breath!!! There are certain evils that humans do to others, which can cause a long-term impact on our physical and mental abilities. How you view what should or not be forgiven is completely a personal choice, because only you understand what blocks may have developed as a result of that evil. We do not have to live by or agree with other opinions. It is about what you personally need for you!!!

The other side of that statement being; “We cannot allow it to keep us from achieving life either.”

This is another PERSONAL CHOICE that only we can make!!!

I followed that dark path of living in continued abuse, choosing the wrong kind of partners and allowing them to use brute force to control me. I take full responsiblity for following that behavior of accepting the violence against me. When I left the home of my abuser’s my decision-making process and my lack of morals kept me from believing I deserved anything better and it deeply influenced my choices. I didn’t believe that there was help for people “like” me, because “I made the choice to accept their cruelty”.

The biggest block I had from mother and his abuse was a deep sense of self-doubt!!! I didn’t trust that I could make the right choices and that every choice was a threat; a perceived danger.

It finally came to a head that night, some thirty-two years later in November 1997. When the police escorted a very broken woman who knew nothing more than control and fear out of her home, I had a choice to make. I could find help and build my own life or I could go back home after work; only to end up dead because of it.

There were a few things I had in my favor:

A) I had gone back to school at 25 to get my GED and my degree in business management. At least I now had the skills to do some other job than bartending. I knew I wouldn’t survive going back to that environment.

B) I could earn the income needed to provide at least the basics for my children; food, shelter, clothing. It wouldn’t be easy, but I had the capacity to make it happen.

C) I had my only friend offer a safe place to recover. That early morning I left injured and luckily the one friendly relationship I’d built outside of my marriage offered to let me stay with her. She didn’t offer to support me, but she gave me a place to turn when I had nowhere. I probably would have gone back rather than believe I deserved help from anyone. If she wouldn’t have offered, I never would have asked to stay anywhere and would have left myself without any other option, but it she stepped up and I THANK GOD SHE DID!!!

I’m so glad that she was there and that I did have the skills to achieve an independent salary. It was never easy for us and I had no balance of handling my finances properly, but we had a roof, food and clothing. It took through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s 1998 before I landed the job, which afforded me to get a place and the kids to come back. It was a chance that I had to believe in and a choice I had to make.

He had already taken everything from me. My kids were temporarily with their dad until I could break away. I knew they were waiting for me to get things done so they could come home. After all, their lives were put in danger by his choices before. I couldn’t risk allowing them to stay with him or to give them up in any form.

THIS WAS MY LIFE SAVING CHANCE ON ME!!!

It was now that I had to make that choice. Was I going to allow the violence against me to continue and invade my children’s lives or was I going to take a chance on myself????

It was scary as hell. This was the first time that I really remember thinking exactly those words; “Take A Chance on Yourself“. This was the chance that broke through that barrier and allowed me to start moving into my own existance. It became my hard work, my efforts, my decisions that would change our lives. Whether we had everything or barely anything didn’t matter, what mattered was that we could lay our heads down at night without the threat of being killed!!!

If you think the violence you accept now won’t get to the point of life threatening; neither did I.

I hoped to change them, heal them, help them, and stand by them; telling myself they would never kill me, but each one at their own pace grew to that level. They either attempted to kill me or threatened it with severe intimidation. Just because they haven’t gotten there yet, doesn’t mean they won’t. If you are being controlled in an intimidating manner it will only get worse, it never gets better. You are in danger!!

You can get help with your education and bettering your job skills. You can find help with life skills. You can find help with daycare. You can find help with emotional healing and support with others like yourself. You can believe that you are not alone. There are resources out there and people to help you find them. You can find that safe recovery/rebuilding your life place that is needed while you face this challenge. You do not have to live in the path of your past. You have a choice in how you live today. You can break through their barriers and learn a new way of life. You can better your life and even more important, you can give your children the safe, happy, love filled life they were meant to have. You can take control of your last breath!!!

It doesn’t matter if it is the past of your childhood abuse that is holding you back from achieving life or if something else is blocking your way; You have a choice to change what is happening!!!

Please take that life saving chance on you!!!

Mentioned:

Dreamcatchers Talk Radio: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dreamcatchers

Author, Carter Lee: http://www.innovativesocialdynamics.com/column/

Local Resource for Help:

Violence Prevention Center South Western Illinois http://www.vpcswi.org/

Illinois Domestic Violence Help Line  1 (877) 863-6338

RAINN – Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network Helpline 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)  http://www.rainn.org/

Child Help – 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4452)

More Resources @ http://www.dreamcatchersforabusedchildren.com

If you are in immediate danger or have just suffered an attack of sexual or physical assault – Please dial 911 or your area’s emergency response number.

(c) Patricia A. McKnight

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Know that it is “OK” – Survivors in Strength & Love

This still gets me through the rough times 🙂

 

This blog is my rambling about the many emotions and fears I am left with after 32 years in abuse. The sexual abuse as a child and my mother’s neglect is what’s affected me the worst. This has left the deepest impact on my life. Each day I hope to share with you a look into these emotions & fears, but also the success & joys. Some of these you may find triggering so please read with care!!! Do not stress yourself, read at your own leisure, in baby steps!!!

As I was growing up in this house of insanity and rage, I don’t think that loneliness explains how I felt. When I remember what it was like for me, especially from ages 9 through 16, there is a knot that grows in the pit of my stomach and a tightness in my chest. I actually took a moment to look at the tatoo on my arm, take a breath, then continue.

As much as I’ve healed, grown, achieved and in the present safety of my life, I am still instantly overwhelmed. A sense of panic takes my breath away and for just a fleeting moment my muscles reactively tense up. Why is it that the simple thought of being around them; being in that home at the mercy of the one whom God put in charge of my world, this can instantly cause a reaction of intense fear?

I AM 49 YEARS OLD – WHEN DOES THIS STOP!!!

It has taken so much personal effort to get to where I am now. This includes my professional and personal growth. It is insane to think that her complete lack of caring can still make me so sad. My therapist relates my mother’s treatment of me in the following way;

“Your Mom did not see you as human, there for she did not consider that you required even the most basic of human needs.”

This truth still breaks my spirit, but I guess its good that I can come back to my reality. THE CRACK IS THERE BUT I DON’T FALL IN ALL THE WAY ANYMORE!!!

As I grew up in her abandonment, I was isolated. There was only responsibility and control in my world. His disgusting acts of molestation, that would grow to such an intense evil; one night changed my world forever. He is the reason that I instantly become terrified, but it was the disregard of my decaying body that left me feeling so isolated.

All my life was filled with caring for others; waiting for someone to acknowledge and care for me. I kept waiting and praying for MY FATHER to come and rescue me, but not he or anyone from his family would find me til I was 19 yrs. old. This is the depth of isolation that causes me to still be swept away by the emotions.

Then I think of the hundreds of survivors that share this sense of isolation. We feel stained and different from others, but when you think of our numbers and the voices that are gathering there is a comfort. No matter how lonely I feel I can think of all the others like me and know that I have a new family building around me. All of us knowing the other is there for the desperate times.

Today there is so much to be happy about. I’ve built my family with my children, with the one true love that has rescued my soul, with the wonderful friends that have allowed me into their world without question; now with the hundreds of survivors who have been brave enough to connect with me. It’s an amazing new feeling for me. I don’t feel alone in this world any longer.

Today there is a sense of strength. I’ve connected with some really amazing people and honored to have some powerful voices at my side. This is the happy life that I was meant to have. It is finally here. I am safe & loved. This is a new beginning and I am so excited about where it will lead.

Be comforted if you are one of this family. Know that it is “OK” to get swept away in our past at times, but then pull your focus back to the present and remember those around you. It can be almost impossible to believe that these feelings and fears will ever go away. It seems they come back to distract and haunt us. I pray that you can feel at ease during these moments, take a breath, feel the safety around you in our new growing family!!!

Survivors in Strength & Love

Standing, Speaking, Circling to Protect

Thank you for releaving that sense of loneliness in my world!!!

(c)Author/Advocate/Speaker/Survivor: Patricia A. McKnight

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Clearing the head…Clearing the shame…

For years now I’ve believed writing good for the soul. When I began thinking about putting my nightmares into words it was frightening to imagine revisiting those feelings. It took so very much to put “My Justice” together for my children. They deserved to know how this evil first invaded our family. How could I possibly let them think that this was merely a result of being a child from divorce? They really needed to understand the how’s and why’s of our family having suffered through so much pain. I wasn’t sure how to begin with them.

How do you tell your children you were sexual abused? How do you bring up this topic with them? It’s so impossible to think they would truly understand what had happened and how the scars I carried had bled in to invade their world.

I decided I would just do it. I had to do it for all of us. It’s not that I wanted my entire life to be out there for everyone, but I felt it necessary to explain to them and to use my horrific experiences as a tool of human moral for others. The level of their evil, both my mother and my stepfather, was so very deep that they created a grown child with no sence of manners, decent judgement, confidence, and the many other types of behaviors and knowledge a normal 17-year-old should have. It was almost impossible for me to go through everyday actions of life as others were doing. How was I to act like an adult with the shattered soul of a 5-year-old still held up inside of me?

My mother had never taught us that we needed to wipe after going to the toilet. Hell most often we didn’t even have toilet paper. There was never one word spoken about brushing your teeth. In fact there were only two toothbrushes and one belonged to each of them. We never said please or thank you to anyone; not even for passing the food.

When I quit bathing as a mode to protect myself from being trapped in the room with him, no one ever said a word. My brother and stepfather would tease me about stinking, but no one said, “Get upstairs and take a bath”. I remember at the age of 15 the school was demanding that all of us keep deodorant in our gym lockers and that we shower after class. The teacher would hang out in her office just off the locker room. There was a big glass window between us and her. She would walk to the shower room and check in on us; even saw me dodging all others as I cowered into a corner. At least I thought she saw me. We did make I contact, that I do remember. Anyway, I let mom know that I needed deodorant. Her words, ‘If you’d take a bath you wouldn’t need fucking deodorant”, and she never bought any; which cost me a demerit or two in class.

Can you imagine how I had to develop when I left home? Seventeen years old, moving in with a 24-year-old man!! I knew how to keep a house spotless, how to put dinner on the table every night. I definitely knew how to please him sexually. I knew to bow down to him and follow all of his rules, but I would take little pieces of bread to fill the holes in my top front teeth. However, I did buy myself a toothbrush.

I was not a young woman starting out in life with goals, ideas, ambitions. Hell, what were those. All I ever knew how to do, take care of my man and the others that came into my life.

As I, some 4 years later, became a mom; I knew how to answer to my child’s every whim. I was a fabulous Mother!!! My baby was bathed, fed, given fluoride drops ( we lived in the U.K.). He was pampered to the fullest extent. My husband, who was a different man because the other had almost killed me more than once; but he never had to worry about taking care of anything that concerned the house. It didn’t matter how heavy the job or what it intailed; it was my responsibility and if I didn’t stay on top of it then I was filled with guilt for not meeting their needs.

I had been programmed that nothing I needed mattered. Now it was always about being clean, which I had become Obsessive Compulsive about even showering & douching myself. All little details mattered. For I was so ugly looking; that’s all I can say about it. Four of my top front teeth were broken and now just black holes of decade teeth. Most of my molars were decade and broken off as well. My skin was scary looking. My arms and legs were so covered with deep big scars of the infection that had eaten away at my skin for five years, which of couse was from not being able to bath without a visitor.

Honestly, My mother let me rot as he raped me and molested me. Held me with his huge coal stained hand over my mouth while my sister slept silently next to me. She was around 4 when we started sharing a bed together. I would often wonder if her eyes ever opened to see what her father was doing?

How do I teach my children to be decent people with manners, kindness towards others; to keep themselves clean? How do I teach my children that they matter? They need education to get a job. They need to learn how to manage finances, which I had no clue. They had begun taking any money I made at the age of 11 with my babysitting jobs. Then later it would be him caught stealing from my purse.

How do I tell my children who the person is that my parents created, but how I wanted so much more for them? How much I truly tried to give all I had of me up until the last child left my home. Even then there was still dinner each night when I got home from work and we ate as one. I gave them morals. They were taught to say prayers, please & thank you. As children everyone would compliment on them. How smart they were? How beautiful and how well behaved. I would ask to make sure they were talking about my children, lol!!!

This is just one part of the abuses I’ve gone through. This is only some of the ways that it left it marks on me. I’m still rebuilding my soul. Writing “My Justice” and finally giving them some sense of understanding as to where I came from and why some of this evil and mis-guided behaviors invaded their world. It was a blessing of peace for me to finally speak of what had truly happened. With my scarred up skin, broken and partially filled teeth, it’s not been easy to get through this life as a woman. We’re expected to be beautiful, have smooth soft skin, bright shining smiles; even to wear cute little outfits & dresses that show off our legs. NOT ME, NO WAY – No one ever got to sit and massage my legs or rub my feet. It was difficult enough to sit next to someone and it still is because I feel their eyes on my skin and looking at my crooked smile and my crooked mouth from the empty spaces. I wish there were some miracle that could make me look like everyone else. A pot load of money to give me a bright new smile, which I have never seen on myself. I look at very young childhood pictures and even then I can see the plaque build up starting on my teeth.  Wouldn’t that be a true blessing from God just to be given the smile I never had?

The tears well up in my eyes as I think about the heavy scars that cover my legs and arms. There will never be anyway to fix this. They cannot give me smooth new skin. It’s horrifying to have people look at you like that all your life; Always wondering, “What is the first thought in their head?” How can a man willingly choose to be with me? That is a whole other discussion meant for another day.

It’s good to get back to writing and sharing with everyone. My thanks and blessings to all who read this. I pray you are not the broken spirit of your past. If I can walk through this life, teach my children to be wonderfully decent people, carry the physical trauma for all to gauk at, and still see a bright love in this world; this is something you can get through as well.

There is no guarantee of safety in our world, not even in our homes. We come into this world and are left in the hands of others. It is up to them to give us something to guide us through. This is all that I can give to my children.. I pray that they will stand proud and stop the evil from passing forward. We cannot allow this sickness to eat into our families. If we are the broken souls; simply guide them at your best, get help & support for yourself; leave the rest up to God.

Patricia A. McKnight

For my children, I am so,so very sorry – Be strong, wise & good – hugs!!!

PRWEB – Great reviews for “My Justice”

PRWEB – Great reviews for “My Justice”.