Do you know the Red Flags and Warning Signs of an abusive partner?
How do you view your own self-worth and relationships?
This may be triggering for some but it is intended as a upclose and intimate view of Interpersonal Violence and may be the life saving influence for another. Please help pass this information forward!!!
In my life I”ve always seen these violent and controlling relationships as;
“It can’t be any worse than what happened in my home as a child”
I’ve never considered myself as a “Partner” in a relationship. Those who built me had broken down any real sense of value as an individual. I was “trained” in my childhood to be accepting of another’s control and violence against me and became submissive in my adult relationships; dependent for my own existence as a person. The abuses, violence, terror, torture and training to constantly give of myself without any consideration of my own needs, caused me to continue accepting these same acts and disregard any personal value that I thought I deserved.
What this actually did was teach me to accept any and all disregard for me as a human being!!!
The multiples of abusers, controllers of my existence, could manipulate me to fit their mold of the “PERFECT” partner/spouse. No matter how minute their wishes or how grand their desire, it became my own self belief that I should meet or exceed their expectations, despite any dislike I had for their actions.
I WAS THE PERFECT VICTIM!!!
There are many millions like myself, so well-trained to expect and accept any disregard for their own value. This generational training to discard our own dislike of what others do to us and how they break down and mold our spirit to fit their needs, rather than consider our own thoughts and feelings, leaves us destroyed of “SELF” and submissive to meet their wishes.
How does this reflect in your relationship? Do you give others that constant control; disregard your own wishes to meet the expectation of those who say, “I Love You”?
Do they say those words after they’ve spent an hour or five minutes tearing apart or beating down your individual thoughts or feelings?
Do they use the love you feel for them as a tool to make you feel guilt over your own attempts to build your person?
Do they demonstrate blatant disregard of your ideas, dreams, wishes, even if it is as simple as wanting to seek an independent career, education, or complete a goal?
These are their acts as controller of your existence. This is Domestic Violence, Interpersonal Control, Molding of your person and breaking down your spirit to accommodate and meet their expectations of what type of person you should be; putting their value, their ideas, their demands, above your own and taking from you the accomplishments and deserved happiness you were intended to have when your life was created.
I ask you this: “What gives anyone the right to take control over what you should become or accomplish in YOUR LIFE?”
Ask Yourself: “Are you seeing these submissive behaviors and believe the disregard of your value as a human being?”
As a mother, and sometimes out of necessity for financial assistance, I felt there was no possible way I could survive on my own, while trying to raise my children. I believed that accepting their vicious and almost deadly attacks was best because: “How would I keep a roof, clothing, food and other necessities for my children without them?
After all I had been brainwashed to believe I was not able to exist as a person, had no value, unless someone else was giving me that existence. It resulted in twenty years of beatings, control, degradation, financial dependence, and repeated attacks of attempted murder.
The threats and acts to take away the very breath of life was done with loaded weapons to my head in the middle of the night; attempted drownings in the bathtub; captivity of keeping me locked inside a 2nd floor apartment for 10 or 12 hours a day; tieing me up with phone cords and locking me in the bedroom for hours until they decided to let me loose; the forceful sexual acts without any regard of my comfort or dislike. They were the controllers of my existence as a person, but wasn’t I a creation of God, just as valuable as any other life on earth?
Rather than escaping their RED FLAG BEHAVIORS, before it became an almost deadly act of brutal violence; I stayed. It was my “training” and – So what if they ordered me out of the car in the cold to pump the gas while they sat warm inside? So what if they locked me inside or took me away from everything and everyone I knew? So what if I was expected to be the “whore” in bed rather than a partner of intimacy? So what if they took my money for their own needs or beat me to give up my career? So what if they decided every moment of every day what I was and wasn’t allowed to do with my time? So what if they took my hopes, my dreams, my goals, and manipulated my choices? SO WHAT?
What I’ve listed above are all Red Flags preceding the violence to come as their demands grew more intense and I could not meet all their expectations; could not read their mind and do their wishes before they spoke them.
It doesn’t matter if you are simply dating someone; if you are a teenager or an adult. When someone you’re with takes away your power of choice, manipulates your thoughts to feel guilt of meeting their wishes rather than your own;
This is the time to leave!!!
The pattern of an abuser isn’t to start off with beating you down physically. They don’t wear a warning sign or a mask of terror. They start off with small steps of calling you at all times of the day or night. Using such subtle manipulations tactics that you give in and allow yourself, out of the perception of love, to follow what they wish and disregard your own gut feelings and thoughts.
If you are reading this and find yourself thinking about your partner’s actions and coming to the conclusion that you see these little subtle acts of manipulation and control; please end the relationship now before your individual spirit, ideas, thoughts, dreams, hopes, goals, are stripped away to meet their own selfish needs and expectations of who you should be and what you should do.
If you are a mother and feel you cannot exist and provide for your children without them; you probably feel this way because of the brainwashing you’ve already been forced to believe.
Know that as a human you are given value of life when you are born. Your own desire to provide for your children will make it possible. It won’t be easy, and you will have to do without many of the luxuries you and they might have now, but think of the consequences of staying where you are.
More than likely the control is growing stronger because you have children. The abuser knows they have stripped away belief in your independent abilities. They have you where they can control what you achieve; making sure that you do not out grow the dependence of life, home, food, basic living necessities they provide.
Take a moment to dream of what YOU truly want in this life and what you wish to influence in your children’s life. Think about your possibilities. Think about how the children are impacted by the growing degradation, forceful control, yelling, screams of mercy coming from their mother; how does this reflect in your children as they hear and watch you cower from your partner?
How will they see what is healthy and normal in their own relationships?
I realize, as being one of those who broke away to raise her children with nothing but the clothes on our backs, how difficult the process can be. There is a lot that is needed and you will need some basic skills to move forward. You need to make a safety plan and escape without harm. You need to seek out assistance with job skills, education, medical and maybe even financial assistance. I know personally that resources of help are low and very difficult to receive, but don’t believe in the brainwashing of others and deplete yourself of personal value, YOU CAN DO THIS!!! IT IS POSSIBLE!!! YOU ARE POSSIBLE!!!
You can call the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence or check out their website: http://www.thehotline.org
PHONE THEM NOW FOR A CONFIDENTIAL 24/7 COUNSELOR TO HELP YOU FIND A WAY TO ESCAPE: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
(c)Patricia A. McKnight
Author; “My Justice”
Advocate/Author/Speaker/Examiner/Talk Radio Host/Survivor