The Maddening Silence!!

When you come from a battered past, whether it be emotional, physical, sexual or even a neglectful pattern of generational abuse/family or relationship violence; we are trained, as anyone would be, to behave in certain manners.

These teachings can reflect in many ways throughout our life.

 
Patterns & Beliefs Of Victims:
    

1) We don’t see any personal value

2) We often see ourselves as objects

3) We don’t have any feeling or acknowledge any pain

4) There is no good example of what love or life is really like

5) You do everything to accommodate others (i.e……having sex – its just sex so give it up when they want it, right? Isn’t that your purpose in life to be an object without feeling or deserving of tenderness, consideration?)

m1    stained1

However, because you are living in these patterns of abusive behaviors, which shut you off in every possible manner; you are unable to see your feelings. As you grow into life and relationships, education, career; you present this to others around you. Unfortunately this often opens the door to another abuser. It seems they can pick you out in a heartbeat and know exactly what to do to lure you into their world. Throughout your journey in the ‘norm’ of life, you simply follow the lead of others.

“Maybe you’ve experienced those relationships where you are so terrified of being attacked that you actually breath in motion so you don’t disrupt your attacker.”

After living in these generationally trained actions for five, ten, (thirty or more years for those more traumatic cases); you tend to walk through life like a cloud is all around you.

“You’re in a heavy cloud of fog and can’t see see to steer the car. You try and try to make the right choices. There are times when you really think it’s all over and it’s going to work out, then you get a little way into positive and suddenly you crash. However, when you look around there’s nothing to grab hold of to help you through, but all you can do is keep moving onward.

Simply put, ‘ The world keeps spinning and you have to keep moving with it. Life comes in responsibility, financial independence, family, children, and you have to take care of all of it, that’s your nature.”

Remember every human action, every human perception, every human response is absorbed; it’s built into us because of the actions to us and around us. Also, every human has a different spirit and each spirit has its own level of tolerance. Each will be traumatized in their own separate way and no one can say how deeply an action did or did not hurt you. No one but you knows the depth of your wounds.

You get to a point where you just want to stand up and scream; I’m a human being! I’m Alive! Listen to me please! He hurt me, help me…” You want to scream so loudly, so fiercely and for so very long that others cannot help but to hear you. For whatever reason though, whether its because you are terrified/traumatized or have simply shut down inside; you just can’t seem to make any noise. Hell, many of us cannot even mouth the words I’ve been raped and beaten.” Then one day, although it may take years or even decades before you can begin to see the pattern of acceptance you’re living inside, it begins to attack in all different directions.

monster appears

If your abuser was your parent and then you become parents, you may even be prone to doing some of those very same acts against other kids or your own kids. These may be physical, or perhaps emotional outbursts they don’t understand or deserve. You’re screaming because of the reflection of yourself and your childhood you now see in them. This sets off a huge trigger and in being humans, having been traumatized in our own separate way; we then respond very differently. There are many abusers who have been victims. There are resources of help for parents who were once victims, one such resource is; Fighters Against Child Abuse.

Remember when you react to children, even a simple, ‘Your stupid’, will stay in their head forever. They will always remember those words, regardless of how hard they try to erase them.

Some of us may turn our head even when our gut tells us something different. Perhaps you are, in a habit or trained manner, and allowing the same Maddening Silence, which once blocked your voice, to continue; unfortunately, this is simply our human genetics.

It is what it is and we’ve been abusing our kids for centuries, probably going back to the creation of mankind.

The silence is all around us, it’s bearing down on us like this huge burden. It’s stained with shame and guilt, and it’s darkened with abandonment and blame.

why

You’re brain, in functioning like that of anyone else, being in its normality; follows what you’ve been taught. You get confused when you see the reality of your world. Then it suddenly hits you that you’ve been living in your entire life in this ‘Maddening Silence’. Your emotions aren’t normal, life is falling apart around you. No matter how hard you try you still can’t scream, you can’t get out; you’re a shattering China Doll.

m2

You walk through life trying to keep the pieces together. When something falls off or gets broken; just get out the glue and keep going. As my friend, Michal Madison so eloquently stated, ‘There isn’t time to slow down and mend the pieces, so just put them in your pocket and go.” One day all the glue disintegrates. Your pieces are all over the place. You can’t pick them up and glue them back together fast enough.

Then as you are on your knees, weeping and begging for it to be over, you suddenly hear something inside of you, it’s like a little scratchy laryngitis voice, but it’s there. You’re completely drawn to what’s going on around you, in a sense you have been letting things happen.

In all practical purposes you’re an adult and the decisions and choices are yours to make. You have to own them, own what the rebound effect of these decisions has been, then get up and make those changes to create something better.

If you’re still a minor then you’ve been going through it long enough and it’s time to break free! You don’t deserve what’s happening to you. Your strength for enduring should be noticed and seen as a great quality. Please give yourself a hug. Forgive what you have done and what you have allowed to go on. Look around where you are right now. See an island in front of you. Take a step and then jump into a new path of life, a new chance at just being you. This happens when you hear that voice and you decide to just start talking.

At first you may say it to yourself, ‘I’m done, and never again will they hurt me. Never will I be raped and beaten again, disrespected and degraded; no I will not do it anymore.’

You have to feel that explosion of madness screaming out,

‘If I don’t change things I’m going to die!!’

no

Now you may not die in a physical sense, but you will die emotionally. Your spirit will slowly disintegrate as you live trapped inside the maddening silence. Unfortunately there are many that break apart and never come back to us. Perhaps you may know someone who’s taken their lives, because they believed they couldn’t change things or they couldn’t escape.

You may know someone who’s died emotionally or the pieces have all fallen apart and they don’t have the strength to put them back together any longer. Tragically they can’t find away to escape the nightmare so they live in a separate world completely. How sad when you know someone like this, so deeply traumatized never to return to the normal happy person as they were born to become.

Rather than allow this to happen to yourself, you are going to learn about your pieces. As you put yourself back together you will see them for the creation they hold; the strength, the wit, the intellect, and the possibilities. As you learn, you are able to see what you do like and what you don’t like. You have a choice to put down and redo the pieces. Shave off a bit here and remold those parts you don’t like. Those pieces that contain the shame, the blame, the stains of your past; these are not who you are, they are the actions from those around you.

 This darkness and stain is not where you are anymore, so those shadows do not have to show any longer.

know where you are

It’s truly magical when you find the piece that is your voice!!! You hold it close, appreciate its value, know its strength, and be proud that you can finally let out the madness, you can stand up and say ‘No, I don’t like this’.

In a sense, you should be extra proud of this ability. You’ve been living as an object all these years, now you are just learning what some have known all their lives. We see them around us and their world seems so wonderful, but it is your perception. You never know what another person holds inside, what they’ve endured or what they battle down each day before they leave the house.

One day you wake up and this pounding Maddening Silence is everywhere. It seems to be louder, although no one else seem to hear it. They wonder what is troubling you,

‘What’s wrong with them? Why does that bother them? It’s only sex, even though it is her father? Why is she all upset and going crazy?’ 

You hear yourself screaming. You know it’s the truth and finally you can speak it. You have found the path to taking care of you. This is the beginning steps and you decide what happens next. It is possible to live safely; trust your own actions, choices; see your true beauty inside.          

spinthepastaway

‘It’s blossoming like a gorgeous butterfly, learning to spread it’s wings and soar into possibilities.’ 

It’s possible to see a future and more importantly you learn to believe in that future. ‘You are human, you are alive!!

You deserve kindness
You deserve respect
You deserve to be safe
Your deserve to be happy

As your life builds and your dreams begin to become your reality, the more confident you become. Those around you will see that strength shine inside you. Your career and relationships, the partners you choose will be safe. We have to learn the true beauties of who we are without all the ugliness because we are not in the ugliness or the maddening silence any longer. We can speak and be heard; hell some may even respect what you say.

If you’re really blessed; you are safe, found your voice, learned what you don’t want, and accepted the things you can’t change.

Life is never fair, some of us get hurt, some of us die; but some of us heal – become strong and have someone who loves us despite what has happened.

They see our wounds, the scars, the dysfunction; but you are glorious and have the world waiting to see you. One baby step forward each day, one learned acceptance of all that you are, the true beauty of your soul, the spirit you were born with comes out to play and suddenly you are truly beginning to live.

See your beauty, be amazed by your strength, absorb your wounds, build and chase your dreams.

true beauty1 

Be all that you were born to become. Your soul is still there. All the magic you hold is waiting to be opened. Shine on!!

©Patricia A. McKnight rainbow butterfly dreams

All artwork courtesy of: Michal Madison Art

Advocate/Watercolor Artist; http://www.michalmadisonart.com

Founder/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery/2013/02/21/survivors-world-w-trish-michal

Author: ‘My Justice’

Amazon, Barne’s & Noble, Authorhouse, Lulu

Paperback/Ebook/Kindle & Nook

Survivors World Online Support Group – Private by membership resquest only when visiting the website.

Bookcvr1

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The Maddening Silence!!

When you come from a battered past, whether it be emotional, physical, sexual or even a neglectful pattern of generational abuse/family or relationship violence; we are trained, as anyone would be, to behave in certain manners.

These teachings can reflect in many ways throughout our life.

 
Patterns & Beliefs Of Victims:
    

1) We don’t see any personal value

2) We often see ourselves as objects

3) We don’t have any feeling or acknowledge any pain

4) There is no good example of what love or life is really like

5) You do everything to accommodate others (i.e……having sex – its just sex so give it up when they want it, right? Isn’t that your purpose in life to be an object without feeling or deserving of tenderness, consideration?)

m1    stained1

However, because you are living in these patterns of abusive behaviors, which shut you off in every possible manner; you are unable to see your feelings. As you grow into life and relationships, education, career; you present this to others around you. Unfortunately this often opens the door to another abuser. It seems they can pick you out in a heartbeat and know exactly what to do to lure you into their world. Throughout your journey in the ‘norm’ of life, you simply follow the lead of others.

“Maybe you’ve experienced those relationships where you are so terrified of being attacked that you actually breath in motion so you don’t disrupt your attacker.”

After living in these generationally trained actions for five, ten, (thirty or more years for those more traumatic cases); you tend to walk through life like a cloud is all around you.

“You’re in a heavy cloud of fog and can’t see see to steer the car. You try and try to make the right choices. There are times when you really think it’s all over and it’s going to work out, then you get a little way into positive and suddenly you crash. However, when you look around there’s nothing to grab hold of to help you through, but all you can do is keep moving onward.

Simply put, ‘ The world keeps spinning and you have to keep moving with it. Life comes in responsibility, financial independence, family, children, and you have to take care of all of it, that’s your nature.”

Remember every human action, every human perception, every human response is absorbed; it’s built into us because of the actions to us and around us. Also, every human has a different spirit and each spirit has its own level of tolerance. Each will be traumatized in their own separate way and no one can say how deeply an action did or did not hurt you. No one but you knows the depth of your wounds.

You get to a point where you just want to stand up and scream; I’m a human being! I’m Alive! Listen to me please! He hurt me, help me…” You want to scream so loudly, so fiercely and for so very long that others cannot help but to hear you. For whatever reason though, whether its because you are terrified/traumatized or have simply shut down inside; you just can’t seem to make any noise. Hell, many of us cannot even mouth the words I’ve been raped and beaten.” Then one day, although it may take years or even decades before you can begin to see the pattern of acceptance you’re living inside, it begins to attack in all different directions.

monster appears

If your abuser was your parent and then you become parents, you may even be prone to doing some of those very same acts against other kids or your own kids. These may be physical, or perhaps emotional outbursts they don’t understand or deserve. You’re screaming because of the reflection of yourself and your childhood you now see in them. This sets off a huge trigger and in being humans, having been traumatized in our own separate way; we then respond very differently. There are many abusers who have been victims. There are resources of help for parents who were once victims, one such resource is; Fighters Against Child Abuse.

Remember when you react to children, even a simple, ‘Your stupid’, will stay in their head forever. They will always remember those words, regardless of how hard they try to erase them.

Some of us may turn our head even when our gut tells us something different. Perhaps you are, in a habit or trained manner, and allowing the same Maddening Silence, which once blocked your voice, to continue; unfortunately, this is simply our human genetics.

It is what it is and we’ve been abusing our kids for centuries, probably going back to the creation of mankind.

The silence is all around us, it’s bearing down on us like this huge burden. It’s stained with shame and guilt, and it’s darkened with abandonment and blame.

why

You’re brain, in functioning like that of anyone else, being in its normality; follows what you’ve been taught. You get confused when you see the reality of your world. Then it suddenly hits you that you’ve been living in your entire life in this ‘Maddening Silence’. Your emotions aren’t normal, life is falling apart around you. No matter how hard you try you still can’t scream, you can’t get out;

you’re a shattering China Doll.

m2

You walk through life trying to keep the pieces together. When something falls off or gets broken; just get out the glue and keep going. As my friend, Michal Madison so eloquently stated, ‘There isn’t time to slow down and mend the pieces, so just put them in your pocket and go.” One day all the glue disintegrates. Your pieces are all over the place. You can’t pick them up and glue them back together fast enough.

Then as you are on your knees, weeping and begging for it to be over, you suddenly hear something inside of you, it’s like a little scratchy laryngitis voice, but it’s there. You’re completely drawn to what’s going on around you, in a sense you have been letting things happen.

In all practical purposes you’re an adult and the decisions and choices are yours to make. You have to own them, own what the rebound effect of these decisions has been, then get up and make those changes to create something better.

If you’re still a minor then you’ve been going through it long enough and it’s time to break free! You don’t deserve what’s happening to you. Your strength for enduring should be noticed and seen as a great quality. Please give yourself a hug. Forgive what you have done and what you have allowed to go on. Look around where you are right now. See an island in front of you. Take a step and then jump into a new path of life, a new chance at just being you. This happens when you hear that voice and you decide to just start talking.

At first you may say it to yourself, ‘I’m done, and never again will they hurt me. Never will I be raped and beaten again, disrespected and degraded; no I will not do it anymore.’

You have to feel that explosion of madness screaming out,

‘If I don’t change things I’m going to die!!’

no

Now you may not die in a physical sense, but you will die emotionally. Your spirit will slowly disintegrate as you live trapped inside the maddening silence. Unfortunately there are many that break apart and never come back to us. Perhaps you may know someone who’s taken their lives, because they believed they couldn’t change things or they couldn’t escape.

You may know someone who’s died emotionally or the pieces have all fallen apart and they don’t have the strength to put them back together any longer. Tragically they can’t find away to escape the nightmare so they live in a separate world completely. How sad when you know someone like this, so deeply traumatized never to return to the normal happy person as they were born to become.

Rather than allow this to happen to yourself, you are going to learn about your pieces. As you put yourself back together you will see them for the creation they hold; the strength, the wit, the intellect, and the possibilities. As you learn, you are able to see what you do like and what you don’t like. You have a choice to put down and redo the pieces. Shave off a bit here and remold those parts you don’t like. Those pieces that contain the shame, the blame, the stains of your past; these are not who you are, they are the actions from those around you.

 This darkness and stain is not where you are anymore, so those shadows do not have to show any longer.

know where you are

It’s truly magical when you find the piece that is your voice!!! You hold it close, appreciate its value, know its strength, and be proud that you can finally let out the madness, you can stand up and say ‘No, I don’t like this’.

In a sense, you should be extra proud of this ability. You’ve been living as an object all these years, now you are just learning what some have known all their lives. We see them around us and their world seems so wonderful, but it is your perception. You never know what another person holds inside, what they’ve endured or what they battle down each day before they leave the house.

One day you wake up and this pounding Maddening Silence is everywhere. It seems to be louder, although no one else seem to hear it. They wonder what is troubling you,

‘What’s wrong with them? Why does that bother them? It’s only sex, even though it is her father? Why is she all upset and going crazy?’ 

You hear yourself screaming. You know it’s the truth and finally you can speak it. You have found the path to taking care of you. This is the beginning steps and you decide what happens next. It is possible to live safely; trust your own actions, choices; see your true beauty inside.          

spinthepastaway

‘It’s blossoming like a gorgeous butterfly, learning to spread it’s wings and soar into possibilities.’ 

It’s possible to see a future and more importantly you learn to believe in that future. ‘You are human, you are alive!!

You deserve kindness
You deserve respect
You deserve to be safe
Your deserve to be happy

As your life builds and your dreams begin to become your reality, the more confident you become. Those around you will see that strength shine inside you. Your career and relationships, the partners you choose will be safe. We have to learn the true beauties of who we are without all the ugliness because we are not in the ugliness or the maddening silence any longer. We can speak and be heard; hell some may even respect what you say.

If you’re really blessed; you are safe, found your voice, learned what you don’t want, and accepted the things you can’t change.

Life is never fair, some of us get hurt, some of us die; but some of us heal – become strong and have someone who loves us despite what has happened.

They see our wounds, the scars, the dysfunction; but you are glorious and have the world waiting to see you. One baby step forward each day, one learned acceptance of all that you are, the true beauty of your soul, the spirit you were born with comes out to play and suddenly you are truly beginning to live.

See your beauty, be amazed by your strength, absorb your wounds, build and chase your dreams.

true beauty1 

Be all that you were born to become. Your soul is still there. All the magic you hold is waiting to be opened. Shine on!!

©Patricia A. McKnight rainbow butterfly dreams            mj-2

All artwork courtesy of: Michal Madison Art

Advocate/Watercolor Artist; http://www.michalmadisonart.com

Founder/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery/2013/02/21/survivors-world-w-trish-michal

Author: ‘My Justice’

Amazon, Barne’s & Noble, Authorhouse, Lulu

Paperback/Ebook/Kindle & Nook

Survivors World Online Support Group – Private by membership resquest only when visiting the website.

Bookcvr1

The wounds you can’t see…..

There are many different truths of being a survivor of trauma that I’ve shared in the past two years. Almost everyday I try to share something positive to empower others like myself, to inspire hope for a new awakening to the truths of the damage inflicted by the acts and the darkest of mankind’s evil actions against another.

As many of you are aware also, I spent not only twelve years enduring the vicious attacks, both physical and sexual, from my stepfather; the endless rejection from my family, but also twenty years of repeated physical attacks from FIVE separate men. This isn’t to say that only men are the attackers, it’s just what I went through. (There are thousands of women who are very aggressive and who need the power over others).

So now I look at where I am today. I always talk about living in your present. For most survivors, this means we have to TAKE CONTROL OF OUR THOUGHTS. We have to concentrate and keep them from getting sucked into the past. I, and many like me, deal with this every moment of every day!!! Try it for awhile, it’s not an easy task and it takes time to become good at focusing your energy on staying in the positive. It’s difficult enough for anyone in today’s world, but for someone who has gone through years of brutal trauma; it’s truly much more difficult. Not something I would wish on any other being.

How do I see myself right now?

1) My life is in a very safe place.

2) It is well supported (for the most part anyway). I really don’t have family or friends from my past that are with me now. There are a few who have come from my hometown of Freeburg, a few who I went to school with and their parents know mine. It is not their fault of what happened to me. Its not their fault they didn’t say something or question. They were kids like me and it was a different time in our world. Kids didn’t speak against parents and no one talked about abuse or violence in the home. Sadly this is why we have so many of us who are survivors now. The cruelty of our parents came from the cruelty and discipline of their parents. We live what we know and patterns of acceptable behavior are formed. However, there were many adults who had both a responsibility to question and the authority to help rescue. For today though my friends both who have come into my life through Robbie, and those I have made in the virtual world of social networking; these are the people that stand by me now and accept all I am today. This is huge for me. Never before have I felt like I didn’t have to hide from anyone or hide the truth of who I am and what happened. This is my empowerment and the strand of hope that guides me through.

3) My physical health is a wreck; multiples of vertebral and spinal cord traumas. I suffer from Syringomyelia, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Obstructive Pulmanary Disease, the early stages of Atherosclerosis, Neuropathy in my hands and feet from the spinal cord damage, which caused severe burning, stinging, numbness in my fingers and toes and heels. I’m not wheelchair bound, but not far from it sometimes. There are instant migraines that can hit by simply turning my head to quick to look at something. There are many days that it’s difficult to even climb out of bed.

4) My mental health is a constant work in progress. Do I feel good about where I am today? Yes, but there are still the lasting effects from the attacks. I go through cycles of depression. Most days are pretty good, but then one morning I wake up and all I want to do is sleep it away. I get startled very easily. It freaks me out when my dog pants heavy. These days I don’t feel the need any longer to lock the bathroom door, at least most times when showering, but I still get sudden sensations of my stepfather sneaking outside the shower curtain. When I run a tub of water, I am reminded of having my head shoved under and the attempted (almost completed) drowning at 19. This happened a lot with the first of my chosen men. There are moments and memories of all the attacks that stay with me.

5) The relationships with my children are strained at best. Things happened that placed them in danger, by choices of both their father when he ran with them and me with my different abusive husband/boyfriends. Their stepfather was in my life for either years and only the first six months were pretty. There was one that struck my teen daughter and I ended up in jail for punching him in the face. There was another that threw my daughter into a closet door as he tossed her away when she was trying to defend me. There were constant days of walking on eggshells for them and worrying about if they were too loud, left their toys out, if they stomped around too much upstairs. They had dinners of waiting for the explosion or waiting for the drunk to come through the door. It was horrible for them, how can I expect us to have a healthy relationship? How can I expect them to have healthy relationships and view their life without memories, flashbacks, triggers, repeated patterns of behavior and more?

So why do I give so much of myself to staying in a positive light? I know that with my health, I’ll be lucky to have another FIVE good years. I know this reality and Robbie does as well. It’s alright, I don’t worry about the day of dying; I worry about what happens after I’m gone. Have I given all I can to try to help others learn the importance of being decent, helping to rescue and support those who live with this trauma? Is publishing my story and being an advocate with true passion enough to tell my children how sorry I am for all they had to go through? Will I really be able to build something from all of the bad that’s happened so that I can provide some type of change for the future? All the years of pain have to mean something, it cannot be just because that’s what happened. It cannot be that a soul can be so destroyed and controlled by so many different offenders and live for over THIRTY years accepting these attacks; believing that you deserved each and every single one, this cannot be my only existence in this world.

Moving into 2013 I have shared the new website, http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com I have also shared our radio show will be starting NEXT FRIDAY!!! On Jan 04, 2013 – I will be broadcasting our first show and the other hosts will be calling in to announce their programs. I’m really excited about bringing all of this to one focal point. The website, the Survivors World support group, Generation No More, it’s all coming together and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve spent the greater part of the past two years trying to decide how I really wanted to help. This provides all I was aiming at doing before the Good Lord takes me away.

Staying positive for me is absolutely necessary!!! I cannot maintain any other way. There is too much pain and dark memories that climb into my world as it is, there are too many moments of my wanted happy life that have been disrupted already. I can’t let the numerous abusers of my past take away what’s left of my life. I will not allow myself to wallow in what has been, but instead my drive and my focus is aimed at what I can try to change. In my heart and in my soul I believe there are thousands of women just like me; beaten down from a brutal life of accepting so many violent attacks. There are some still living in these types of relationships, there are others who are still living in the silent pain of what’s happened. There are millions of men who are also finally finding out it’s alright to say, ‘I Hurt’!!! We do hurt, and it sucks, but do not give in and let them win. Please take back the happy moments you deserve in this life. You are not born to be a target of others. You are not given life just so others can destroy it. Every living being has a purpose on this earth. There is life inside every heartbeat. How can we pretend that all of this means nothing?

Hopefully all of you who read this will find one strand of hope written within these truths. It’s not easy to be us, it sucks to be one who was so wrongfully abused and had an entire lifetime taken from them. How can we not try to seek out that star of ours? How can we allow someone to endure this dark pain alone? Friends, there is no other option but to keep moving forward and continue putting forth the effort to live happy!!!

May your new beginning that comes with the spirit of the New Year, 2013; be one that you grab onto and live it for all its worth. May you know unconditional love and feel the friendship of those who see your inside self and still accept who you are. May you build dreams and chase them, create them, design them, and allow them spirit to fly. I’ve given my project the name Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery because I want to help others climb out of the cocoon of their past, no matter what that past has attached. If you are unhappy in life, there is only one person who can change what is. Spread your beautiful wings and become all that you were born to be. Find the you that lives inside and wants to now have their turn. We can all find reasons and excuses why we don’t chase after better happier ways, but it shows great courage to climb out from under all the sadness and pain; picking up the puzzle pieces of your life and building, recreating, the beautiful spirit within.

Here’s to giving hope and love to your dreams come true!!! May you walk proud and with glory for all you’ve overcome.

Be magical, Be you Smile

© Patricia A. McKnight

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Radio Host/Survivor

Fndr/Pres: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

My Justice’ – This is not about any legal form of justice ever received or charged in my story. The justice is in finally finding my voice and the courage to talk about all that’s happened; the impact it left on me; the cycle that moved forward to my children.

May you find peace and justice in speaking about your truth!!!

Magical Merry Christmas wishes for all!!!!

merry%20christmas%202011%20wallpaper (400x250) (400x250)

A magical Merry Christmas from me to you,
I hope you’re not at all feeling blue
Stuck in the thoughts of Christmas past
Perhaps some memories are searing and bad,

When you feel the sadness bearing down,
Let me share a few things to lift up your frown

This time of year can bring lots of tears,
Many may remember with fear
Perhaps thoughts to trigger those feelings lost
Swirling, reeling, through your mind they are tossed,

Don’t get caught in the trap as you ponder the how
Keep a tight hold of the love around you now

Grab hold of a smile from here,
Think of the laughter caught in your ear,

Take a little hug from there
See all the glitter swirling through the air

Take a breath, close your eyes and dream
Of the moments that make Christmas time gleam
There is no better time of year
To find magic all around; some there and a little here

Watch the children’s excitement grow
Watch the stars above you glow
Hold the magical moments tight
These will give you the power of light

You no longer have to fear, those times are no longer here

Those moments are gone, although some may be strong,

Tell the bad to let go, it is your time to grow

It is time to break free, open your heart and see

The beautiful star is glowing inside, there is no reason for you to hide

  Tickle your child; listen and hear
All the magic that is this time of year
Live, love, laugh & be free
Surely there is magic in that beautiful tree

This Magical Merry Christmas Wish
Is for all of you, from little old me
Here’s a smile and a hug to hold you tight
Your new beginning has now taken flight

Patricia A. McKnight

© http://www.survivorsjustice.com

© http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

Author: ‘My Justice’

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Hopes, Dreams, Moments of Laughter; Thriving

          Hopes, dreams, laughter; Michal Madison Art

 

 

 

 

Victims do not have grand moments of these three irreplaceable gifts in life. When you live as a victim of abuse or violence you thrive for the calm moments, rather than filling them with hopes, dreams, and laughter.

Maybe you view things as I once did:

I hope he doesn’t hit me today

I dream of the day when I am safe

I laugh at nothing; would you?

A Survivor, who is finally safe, might have these views:

I hope I can take care of us

I dream of getting of one day finding love and giving it in return

I laugh when the kids play now

Then we become Thrivers and we see like this:

I hope tomorrow is just like today!

I dream of who my children and grandchildren will become!

I laugh almost daily at something!

I live in true love and feel all the glory of these three gifts.

It is my wish for you; May you become your own Thriver. May you take that first baby step towards your life; your hopes, dreams, moments of laughter. No matter what your today is always believe that time changes all things;

You are always possible

You are given these gifts with your life

You are strong enough to succeed

You are Never Alone and others will help you

Never let go of these gifts, you too will become a thriver!!!

Without them we cannot see our tomorrows.

They are your gifts, use them wisely!!

Michal Madison Art

(c)Patricia A. Mcknight

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Host/Survivor

http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Photo art by: Michal Madison

Watercolor Artist/Advocate/Talk Radio Host/Survivor

http://www.michalmadisonart.com

http://www.facebook.com/michalmadison

Domestic Violence…..Intimate view of the Red Flags and Warning Signs of an Abuser

Do you know the Red Flags and Warning Signs of an abusive partner?

How do you view your own self-worth and relationships?

This may be triggering for some but it is intended as a upclose and intimate view of Interpersonal Violence and may be the life saving influence for another. Please help pass this information forward!!!

In my life I”ve always seen these violent and controlling relationships as;

“It can’t be any worse than what happened in my home as a child”

I’ve never considered myself as a “Partner” in a relationship. Those who built me had broken down any real sense of value as an individual. I was “trained” in my childhood to be accepting of another’s control and violence against me and became submissive in my adult relationships; dependent for my own existence as a person. The abuses, violence, terror, torture and training to constantly give of myself without any consideration of my own needs, caused me to continue accepting these same acts and disregard any personal value that I thought I deserved.

What this actually did was teach me to accept any and all disregard for me as a human being!!!

The multiples of abusers, controllers of my existence, could manipulate me to fit their mold of the “PERFECT” partner/spouse. No matter how minute their wishes or how grand their desire, it became my own self belief that I should meet or exceed their expectations, despite any dislike I had for their actions.

I WAS THE PERFECT VICTIM!!!

There are many millions like myself, so well-trained to expect and accept any disregard for their own value. This generational training to discard our own dislike of what others do to us and how they break down and mold our spirit to fit their needs, rather than consider our own thoughts and feelings, leaves us destroyed of “SELF” and submissive to meet their wishes.

How does this reflect in your relationship? Do you give others that constant control; disregard your own wishes to meet the expectation of those who say, “I Love You”?

Do they say those words after they’ve spent an hour or five minutes tearing apart or beating down your individual thoughts or feelings?

Do they use the love you feel for them as a tool to make you feel guilt over your own attempts to build your person?

Do they demonstrate blatant disregard of your ideas, dreams, wishes, even if it is as simple as wanting to seek an independent career, education, or complete a goal?

These are their acts as controller of your existence. This is Domestic Violence, Interpersonal Control, Molding of your person and breaking down your spirit to accommodate and meet their expectations of what type of person you should be; putting their value, their ideas, their demands, above your own and taking from you the accomplishments and deserved happiness you were intended to have when your life was created.

I ask you this: “What gives anyone the right to take control over what you should become or accomplish in YOUR LIFE?”

Ask Yourself: “Are you seeing these submissive behaviors and believe the disregard of your value as a human being?”

As a mother, and sometimes out of necessity for financial assistance, I felt there was no possible way I could survive on my own, while trying to raise my children. I believed that accepting their vicious and almost deadly attacks was best because: “How would I keep a roof, clothing, food and other necessities for my children without them?

After all I had been brainwashed to believe I was not able to exist as a person, had no value, unless someone else was giving me that existence. It resulted in twenty years of beatings, control, degradation, financial dependence, and repeated attacks of attempted murder.

The threats and acts to take away the very breath of  life was done with loaded weapons to my head in the middle of the night; attempted drownings in the bathtub; captivity of  keeping me locked inside a 2nd floor apartment for 10 or 12 hours a day; tieing me up with phone cords and locking me in the bedroom for hours until they decided to let me loose; the forceful sexual acts without any regard of my comfort or dislike. They were the controllers of my existence as a person, but wasn’t I a creation of God, just as valuable as any other life on earth?

Rather than escaping their RED FLAG BEHAVIORS, before it became an almost deadly act of brutal violence; I stayed. It was my “training” and – So what if they ordered me out of the car in the cold to pump the gas while they sat warm inside? So what if they locked me inside or took me away from everything and everyone I knew? So what if I was expected to be the “whore” in bed rather than a partner of intimacy? So what if they took my money for their own needs or beat me to give up my career? So what if they decided every moment of every day what I was and wasn’t allowed to do with my time? So what if they took my hopes, my dreams, my goals, and manipulated my choices? SO WHAT?

What I’ve listed above are all Red Flags preceding the violence to come as their demands grew more intense and I could not meet all their expectations; could not read their mind and do their wishes before they spoke them.

It doesn’t matter if you are simply dating someone; if you are a teenager or an adult. When someone you’re with takes away your power of choice, manipulates your thoughts to feel guilt of meeting their wishes rather than your own;

This is the time to leave!!!

The pattern of an abuser isn’t to start off with beating you down physically. They don’t wear a warning sign or a mask of terror. They start off with small steps of calling you at all times of the day or night. Using such subtle manipulations tactics that you give in and allow yourself, out of the perception of love, to follow what they wish and disregard your own gut feelings and thoughts.

If you are reading this and find yourself thinking about your partner’s actions and coming to the conclusion that you see these little subtle acts of manipulation and control; please end the relationship now before your individual spirit, ideas, thoughts, dreams, hopes, goals, are stripped away to meet their own selfish needs and expectations of who you should be and what you should do.

If you are a mother and feel you cannot exist and provide for your children without them; you probably feel this way because of the brainwashing you’ve already been forced to believe.

Know that as a human you are given value of life when you are born. Your own desire to provide for your children will make it possible. It won’t be easy, and you will have to do without many of the luxuries you and they might have now, but think of the consequences of staying where you are.

More than likely the control is growing stronger because you have children. The abuser knows they have stripped away belief in your independent abilities. They have you where they can control what you achieve; making sure that you do not out grow the dependence of life, home, food, basic living necessities they provide.

Take a moment to dream of what YOU truly want in this life and what you wish to influence in your children’s life. Think about your possibilities. Think about how the children are impacted by the growing degradation, forceful control, yelling, screams of mercy coming from their mother; how does this reflect in your children as they hear and watch you cower from your partner?

How will they see what is healthy and normal in their own relationships?

I realize, as being one of those who broke away to raise her children with nothing but the clothes on our backs, how difficult the process can be. There is a lot that is needed and you will need some basic skills to move forward. You need to make a safety plan and escape without harm. You need to seek out assistance with job skills, education, medical and maybe even financial assistance. I know personally that resources of help are low and very difficult to receive, but don’t believe in the brainwashing of others and deplete yourself of personal value, YOU CAN DO THIS!!! IT IS POSSIBLE!!! YOU ARE POSSIBLE!!!

You can call the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence or check out their website: http://www.thehotline.org

PHONE THEM NOW FOR A CONFIDENTIAL 24/7 COUNSELOR TO HELP YOU FIND A WAY TO ESCAPE: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

(c)Patricia A. McKnight

Author; “My Justice”

Website: http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Examiner/Talk Radio Host/Survivor