Who I am today

 

miracles-happen  “I’m not feeling sorry for myself, so please don’t pity me, it really just makes the situation worse. What I need is to know that something I say or do or write will help you support someone whose been harmed, as well as prevent or intervene when something happens in your circle today.”

Over the past ten years I’ve been on a reality mission to figure out who I am, without focusing on what has been done to influence my past beliefs and behaviors. Learning about the aftermath of my personal war and the influence I have left on those I treasure most. This is not an easy process and one which comes and goes in different situations and challenges as I get stronger and learn more about myself and the actions of others; all resulting in who I am today.

My idea of self appreciation and self worth was never developed because I was put in my place, and lived in the example of who THEY thought I was or the value I carried as a person. Tragically, just in America, we have 3.7+ Million children still living in those same types of environments today. Even worse is that myself and millions of others know exactly who that child might become tomorrow, especially if they are not given help or have at least one positive person who gives them something more to believe in and seek to achieve a greater good.

My stepfather, Malcolm White, was truly walking evil; to me he was and always will be the devil himself. In fact, he used to quote; ‘Heaven doesn’t want me and the Devil is afraid I’ll take over’. I knew in my heart that he would definitely kick the Devil’s ass and de-throne him without an ounce of effort. However ridiculous as it might sound, I am still afraid of his ghost some six years or more after his death. I can still feel him lurking around like an animal after his most favorite prey. I can’t sleep for more than three or four hours at any one time, then suddenly I’m shocked awake and for a split second I’m still in harms way, even though I truly am not.

For Malcolm, the violent molesting attacks that began before he married my mother was not enough. His appetite for cruelty and deviate influence progressed to the point I became HIS PROPERTY; my mother, Mona, stepped aside and did absolutely nothing to help me or care for me ever again. I was told to shut up and stop whining. I still hear this from my siblings today on the rare occasion I speak to them at all. For me the only family I had died in March 1989 and I still mourn his death today. I just stopped by his grave last week and thanked him for helping as much as he could. He was just a boy, a boy who willingly lived in our home until he was 22yrs old; but he was a boy who stepped in front of Malcolm’s rage more than once and he stepped in front of the loaded weapons pointed at my head. He would have taken that bullet rather than see me be harmed. For John, I will never have the chance to repay what he did for me, which was the best that had happened until I was 40 yrs old.

Malcolm influenced my sexual behavior with other boys and men within the community of Freeburg beginning around age 11, when he first arranged a special party with a case of beer and about five neighborhood boys who hung with my brother. I was instructed on who to invite, how to dress, and what to encourage and allow these boys to do with me. It is the most shameful and disgusting memory that I carry. I attended school with these boys. I saw them hanging in the park everyday, and I would party with them being my ‘friends’ for the next five years.

It was just a few weeks later he took me to JB Tavern, just two blocks from our house, where my mother worked and all the coalminers hung out. I was fed double shots of vodka with orange juice, so many that I puked the entire evening and next day. We were there for about two hours when Dave and a crew of miners came in to shoot pool and toss back a few beers. I was given a dollar for the jukebox and instructed on how to ‘shake my ass’ as I played the music. I was asked to pick out the cutest guy, and then taken to his table and offered out for a trip out back or in the car; all it would cost is a couple of beers. This was my value if I had any at all, and when he looked at Malcolm and said; ‘She’s just a kid’, I was taken to the car and beaten for being so ugly no one would ever want anything to do with me at all. ‘I was lucky they wanted to ‘f***’ me’. This was who I became and just part of how I was used until I finally escaped, running to move in with the first guy who asked; a guy from thirty miles away who didn’t know anything about me or my family history. I just needed to get away before I either killed Malcolm or he killed me.

At that time I was 17yrs old; he was going to purchase a mobile home and put me on a plat of ground where he would have his own special key to come over anytime and bring whomever he wished. I didn’t care who helped me get away and I certainly didn’t take time to evaluate who he was or how he treated me. As a result of my inability to realize the inner cruelty he had, the following two years would be almost deadly on a weekly basis.

In the influence of my parents, I became the perfect lifetime victim. It didn’t take much kindness for me to open my legs and my heart; for me to seek their approval regardless of the cost, so long as I felt they wanted me. My behaviors became coping strategies. I was fed a case a beer before I turned 10 years old. It was the way Malcolm reduced my rejections or put me in a manipulating and controllable condition. I was given my first joint before I was 12 and to say the least, this is what I depended on to numb the loss and disgust that I couldn’t escape. Lance was the first to give me cocaine, and I even did a few small hits of acid; but it definitely was not for me and the cocaine was too expensive, so my constant state of being was either drinking or high, or both until I got pregnant and left the country. It was a blessing to be removed from all that surrounded me, but the man I married was not the same man I lived with over there. This man had me in the perfect place; I couldn’t escape and had no one around to talk with or convince me that I wasn’t as low a piece of crap as he insisted I was. Our society wasn’t even discussing the acts of child abuse or family violence back then and I definitely didn’t know anything other than what I had been so well trained to accept; it was my ‘normal’.

From 20 to 40 there was a handful of failed and cruel relationships, some more violent and destructive than others, but each a reflection of the only thing I knew. I fought constantly trying to absorb all of the bad so that my kids would never know that type of pain; however, I didn’t realize just how the chaos was affecting them and the example of womanhood I was giving my daughters. Imagine seeing your mom be beaten to a pulp while you’re sitting at the kitchen table waiting for her to come eat dinner with you. Suddenly the perfect plate of food she delivered to him goes flying across the room, and because she wasn’t going to sit on the couch with him, she was thrown, kicked, punched and slammed against walls, the stove, the sink and the door. Finally the fighting stops and she comes into the table, trying to calm your little sister and get everyone to eat as if nothing happened. Imagine the confusion and human value your children learn in our examples of tolerance. How do you think they will grow to see the world and what value they will hold precious about themselves? What will their children learn and how will they behave in school or in the teenage social situations as they develop?

This is our human conditioning and it leaves an ugly mark on all those affected. It distorts our value of ourselves and how we treat others. Some might become extreme protectors and put the needs of others higher than the needs of themselves and their happiness. Some might become lost in drugs, alcohol, or even deviate attacks on others. Some of those like me get so lost they can’t get out and are emotionally wounded forever; these are those prone to submissive and self harming behavior, that which commonly ends in suicide or overdose ending in death. They can’t hold productive steady employment and have chronic health conditions which studies are finding are actually early onset conditions that first show up as Juvenile Fibromyalgia or Early Post Traumatic Stress; conditions that hold trigger reactions before the person is old enough to realize the effect at all. The overall economic cost to society, becomes the taxpayers burden because of these invading health and emotional conditions that cause a reduction or inability to sustain in self supportive life development. Most have difficulty in learning skills or the development of healthy, productive life skills. After all when did they have time to concentrate on homework or study for that big test?

Personally, I’ve got so many injuries and health problems my body and my daily life are a mess. The cost of my constant healthcare in pain management, medications, various procedures, circulatory and pulmonary progressive diseases; I’ve been on disability since 2007. I would have to say that the worst of my conditions today is the permanent spinal cord trauma which has caused elongated cystic sacs to grow inside of my central canal, a condition called Syringomyelia. This alone causes wide spread severe pain, but add in the intense Fibro & Head Trauma and you’ve got a disastrous mess. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, so please don’t pity me, it really just makes the situation worse. What I need is to know that something I say or do or write will help you support someone whose been harmed, as well as prevent or intervene when something happens in your circle today.

Victims and Survivors need to know that their suffering and their voice matters to someone; that someone cares enough to help heal the wounds and make us stronger so that we can provide a better life for ourselves and more importantly our children. We need the law changes to prosecute these types of repeat heinous offenders. For most of us, we will never be given a chance at justice, because the laws of our past allow absolute minimum time to report or press charges; in Illinois these offense statutes allow only ONE YEAR after victim’s 18th birthday. Hell, I didn’t even know what the word trafficking was and definitely feared this couple so much, along with the condemnation of those around me; my life was something so destructive and disgusting I couldn’t tell anyone what happened to me at all until I was around 35 years old. Some knew that my childhood wasn’t pleasant, but no one, including myself, really knew just how evil and tragic it was.

We are NOT our parents, and we do NOT have to live in the sorrow, pain, and pattern of harm or victim they taught us. We have a choice today and we can actually use the strength of amazing survivors who are finally able to discuss what’s happened; use their courage to speak up as a precious gift. This is a strength beyond measure they cling to and can use, not just to help themselves, but to influence how we help and how we can truly save the life of someone else today. You can be the one to step in and take the bullet; you can stop the bleeding and help stitch up the wounds of our kids lost in the pattern of destruction, crime, drugs, and harm they are trying to survive today. Please don’t sit on the sidelines and judge what that person should or shouldn’t do, because until that same personal violation is against you, then you can never know how it feels or the damage it causes. You may be stronger than they are and bounce back with no problem, but you may watch someone else slowly disintegrate so horribly that it becomes their own extinction.

Today I use my past, all of it; my behaviors and my pain, my bad choices and the influence I’ve seen continue in my children and grand children’s lives; I use all of this hoping that somehow I can help empower one other survivor to believe they absolutely matter. Hoping that I can inspire one victim to get help for themselves and their family. Hoping that I can change the offensive behavior of someone who has been harmed, but reacts and attacks others in their pain. We DO NOT have to harm others or devalue ourselves, because on this amazing planet; every life and every breath taken truly matters and we all have the power to do something about it.

Be a Hope-Line & save a life

Thank you for reading & I do hope you’ll share

Love for all,

‘Trish’

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Author: ‘My Justice’     mj-2

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62  

Promo 07.17.2016

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Family Crimes….Our greatest human tragedy

Hello Friends – **IMPORTANT** A HUMAN PROTECTIVE RIGHTS OUTCRY!!

Today we ask our Federal Justice System & Human Rights Protections to be our most crucial point of concern. What is it like when the only TERRORIST a child knows lives inside their home? Help our human society end this centuries old issue of

FAMILY CRIMES & TERRORISTIC ABUSE!!  https://www.change.org/p/let-s-make-all-sexually-related-acts-against-a-minor-a-federal-offense-and-allow-a-three-step-review-of-all-child-maltreatment-reports

Will you please pass this to your circles and help us gather a huge political issue to protect the most basic of every persons human right –

THE RIGHT TO BE SAFE IN OUR PERSON;

          free from harm & free from fear of harm!! Written into law Dec 1948 –

United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

FFY 2011 CHILDREN’S BUREAU NUMBERSStats to be SAFE

Age vs Abuse

Stats Offenders

Right this moment the children around the world & children in our very own families need your most desperate help please. Four incredibly strong voices in South-Central Illinois; are working on awareness conferences at Lindenwood University, U of I Springfield University, Springfield ‘Stop the Traffic Conference, Vandalia Child Trafficking Prevention Conference, and lining up more as they come in. We are begging for our friends to assist with spreading the word across the United States; we want a Federal Review to address the constant pandemic numbers which affect & murder our children everyday.

These photos, part of Family Crimes Presentation, are just the basic information researched. Have you looked at your states numbers? This is the complete breakdown of National Child Maltreatment Reports & Dispositions FFY 2011. This is a special report taken directly from the Children’s Bureau, as recorded into our National Child Abuse and Neglect Data Systems (NCANDS) – Personally researched and broken down for you here in specific numbers. Please see how serious our numbers really are. In 2011 Child Deaths from physical abusive harm or neglect of care – 1576 RECORDED CHILD MURDERS as a result of direct parental/family responsibility . Today we ask our Federal Justice System & Human Rights Protections to be our most crucial point of concern. What is it like when the only TERRORIST a child knows lives inside their home? 

In the United States the greatest numbers of Domestic Child Sex Trafficking begins withing the close family unit, most often a parent/step parent/guardian of care.

TraffickingServitudePic

Thank you,
Dana, Trish, Lisa, Gregory

Voices InJustice Radio & Fierce Redemption Talk Radio Programming
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/voicesinjustice

©Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Nov 2012 – Nov 2015

Get acquainted with Founder/Creator/Author: ‘My Justice”

Family Violence Specialist/Empowerment Speaker/Talk Radio Producer & Host

PATRICIA A. McKNIGHT – http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com/home_tmp_6314.html#.VbuPpMBViko

Will we just keep counting the bodies……..

Headline       biopic3_thumb.png

http://www.clipsyndicate.com/video/play/5717473

Interview courtesy of: WCIAtv, reporter Jessica Kunz

This is a fabulous interview and friends I am extremely grateful for the past few months of interviews I’ve been blessed to take part in; this one by Jessica and two others with Investigative Reporter, Eric Steltzer WANDtv.com (links for these two interviews listed below). My concern however; can someone possibly explain to me why we would rather just keep counting the bodies of the millions of children harmed everyday by family sex trafficking or family terroristic abuse and torment; keep counting the lives of millions destroyed by these acts every year rather than addressing the issue head-on?

Dammit I’m FURIOUS!!! I’ve handled just about all of the authoritative rejection I can possibly deal with on this issue. These past 5 years have been spent channeling as much energy as possible in providing education, awareness, activism, and advocating for the individual basic right to be safe, especially for our children. Many other outstanding advocates have either teamed up with me personally, or have done their own exhaustive advocating on the very serious pandemic numbers which continue to climb above 3.5 million every year, and those are just the numbers of child maltreatment reports. However, because of the mandates, which are not updated to address the hidden trauma behind the family terroristic nature of the abuse to force a child to remain silent and simply endure whatever it is their parent continues to dish out on them day after day, year after year, until they are old enough to get away or they end up self destructing. Sadly many thousands of these wounded souls commit suicide every year, because the trauma is just too severe to overcome and the heavy burden of shame and silence refuses to be addressed by those in our community and our politicians who have the power to create the changes needed to save their lives.

Yes, I’ve used my own personal story, but I don’t feel its my right to discuss someone else’s history. Also the nature of my very public and well known family sex trafficking, exploitation, terrorized slavery, and disfiguring neglect is really one of the most extreme cases I’m aware of, as is with a few other survivors, but none to the public knowledge that mine exceeded in our small rural community.  However, rest assured my goal is NOT for personal gain, but rather to create one of the strongest untied stands across the country in our human history to ensure that these crimes STOP NOW!!

I’ve been shut down by the Illinois Dept of Public Health, stating my story was too graphic and although April’s conference in Peoria was for the qualified trained professionals on Women’s Health and Family Wellness; I was told I needed to tune back my story and reduce the graphic nature of those 30+ years in hell. They had professionals declining to attend my presentation because it was just more than they could possibly handle. Do they realize that children are still suffering in these tragedies everyday? Do they realize that if they do not face it and discuss it, they will NEVER get a child to discuss it with them? Do they realize that by refusing to listen for one hour as I talk about the actions of Family Crimes and the extreme trauma involved when the acts have been committed with complete malice, in a form of terroristic nature, for the sole purpose of silencing the child and preventing them from ever feeling safe enough to talk about these ugly secrets, thus preventing any criminal charges against the parents who commit and allow these grievous acts? Do they realize the continue teaching of shame, rejection, and of course, SECRET KEEPING they enforce when they as trained healthcare professionals cannot handle listening to a one hour presentation which will help them spot and treat, assess and assist a victim of any age trapped in these vicious attacks?

Last October, I teamed up with a personal friend and the Legal Advocacy Director for Violence Prevention Center of Southwestern Illinois. I had been working on a proposal to address the very serious crimes within our family unit and the terroristic nature in which they were constantly kept secret and silent. Lisa Chilton and I took the proposal to Illinois House Representative Jay Hoffman, then to Illinois States Attorney Brendan Kelly, and in late February I was notified that ‘terroristic’ was not the proper or acceptable word to use, and out of ten guidelines in the proposal they were ready to introduce a measure to change the Statute of Limitations for a barrage of criminal sexual offenses against a child, including involuntary sexual servitude. The measure House Bill #3242 was going to change our S.O.L. from 1 year after victims 18th birthday, to 20 years, which would allow the victims time to first escape the parental control and then go through the very long and grieving process of accepting what had actually happened, then they could bring forth criminal charges by the time they were 38 years old. However, when I emailed Representative Hoffman last week about a date they would be introducing this bill, I received what seemed to me, a proper political email; “I regret to inform you we had other bills processed and decided not to address this issue at this time, but rest assured I am determined to stand behind your cause.” I really do not mean to offend Representative Hoffman, IL Dept of Public Health, or any other of our legislators or our state and national resources, but I certainly would like to ask, ‘When will the body count be serious enough for our systems to finally take a very public stand and address what changes need to be implemented to ensure we are doing our very best; not only protect the individual rights of our children, all victims to be safe, but also update our public policy on how we assess, assist, and investigate every report of maltreatment made across the country?’

There is another person whom I’ve partnered with, Dana Pfeiffer, Director of Grounds of Grace a nonprofit resource assisting victims of human trafficking, terroristic abuse, and other related family crimes around Central Illinois, including our State Capital of Springfield where the amazing President Lincoln began his strongest political campaign, which later led to the equal rights to FREEDOM for all persons. The Emancipation Proclamation granting freedom for all persons to be seen equal in the eyes of our laws, without regard to race, religion, gender, and age. These are our basic Human & Civil Rights, written into law by our United Nations General Assembly in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and our own American Constitution; in fact it is the basic freedoms our country was founded on but yet we still can’t truly stand up for those rights, especially when it comes to our children and the desperate destruction happening within our families every single day.

Dana Pfeiffer and I have teamed up in speaking engagements as I present my history and what I advocate for today, she is right by my side validating the serious crimes she helps victims escape committed by their family, most commonly their parents. The numbers she assists continues to climb, victims as young as 2 years old to 68 years old. When I address people in authority, or in any setting, about the serious nature of my case, it is not for your pity. I don’t need your pity and absolutely DO NOT WANT YOUR PITY. I’ve survived and my life is very good today. I am safe, I am loved, and if my children and grandchildren weren’t still dealing with the emotional staining from those acts that distorted and destroyed the safe path in my life; my life today would actually be quite perfect.

However, what I do hope those who hear my story, or read ‘My Justice’, will take from all of the extreme vicious and very public nature of exploitation, sex trafficking, terrorized slavery, and the disfiguring neglect of all basic human needs; I WANT YOUR ACTION. We need to ensure not another single person is abandoned and judged as I was throughout the six consecutive years of family friends, school teachers, neighbors, adult men and boys who got their own special time with the child, the law enforcement who knew me well and didn’t care at all that my skin was rotting and filth covered because I could not even safely bathe in my home. Every person in Freeburg, Illinois knew my family, knew my mother;‘POOR WOMAN, having to deal with such a horrible man’.

Guess what towns people, she didn’t deal with him at all, cause he was like a comforting blanket who kissed the ground she walked on. He would have done anything for her, and he did leave my brother and sister alone, but me; I was his target. I was his to do with as he pleased, she not only sacrificed me for him to do with as he pleased, but she also abandoned all basic human needs, ordered me to care for, cook for, and provide for the family needs, she purchased him a little brass bell that only I was expected to answer to at all times. The citizens of Freeburg either witnessed, took part in, or saw the very public destruction of a young growing girl and tagged her as the ‘Village Whore’, rather than try to help her. When I reached out today asking those in public office, those in media who have the ability to share this story, those who fight for protective rights and those in every small community; still all I have felt is that same sense of disregard I lived with all my life. No one cared when it was my parents. No one reported the many years of almost murderous attacks and beatings in my relationships and marriages. Neighbors, police, and healthcare all dismissed the horrific nature of my daily life and figured I didn’t deserve their help then, and apparently the continuing climbing numbers of those speaking about these past decades in hell, they are all getting those same closed doors as I am today.

When I write, do interviews, or even the creation of our petition addressing Family Crimes and Terroristic Abuse (link below for you to sign now), what I want, what all of the hundreds of survivors hope to achieve in sharing our voices today; we want to inspire every healthcare worker, every educator, every community member to notice the warning signs of the desperate victims and rather than abandon them and judge them for the disgusting behavior or promiscuous nature of their acts, HELP THEM!! Maybe you’ll be the one to rescue them; to give them a chance to heal their wounds, learn the positive behaviors and become better parents for their children. It’s easy to look at a family or a person, pass our taught nature of judgment and then turn away and do nothing, but it takes great courage to say that every life matters and EVERY CHILD DESERVES TO BE SAFE!!!

I don’t understand why, throughout our entire human existence, the authorities who have the power to do something simply disregard the serious body count related to suicide, murder, and self destruction from these vicious and disgusting acts, especially when committed against a helpless child who cannot fight back, cannot run away; they can only endure in silent tears the shameful brutal crimes committed against them by their parents and family. I really do not understand why we do not step up and scream out; ‘THAT’S IT, THIS IS NOT THAT CHILD’S CRIME AND SHOULD NOT BE THAT CHILD’S BLAME’!!

How many more centuries will people have to endure these types of attacks within their homes, by their parents or their partners, then walk away filled with pain and terror, while the offenders are protected by the forced ugly secrets of torture and trafficking, or they walk away with a slap on the wrist rather than the harshest punishments deserving of their actions? It is their choice to attack and terrorize, especially when they are attacking and forcing a child into dark secrets and a life filled with destructive behaviors and continued shame in the feeling of not being worth saving. We have hundreds of documented studies which reveal how a life in traumatic events and vile attacks impacts the lives of individuals. We have studies confirming the frontal lobe brain development impaired and twisted by the repeated years trying to survive and making daily decisions based on what they need to do in order to just survive that day. We have the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, the Centers for Disease and Control, National Domestic Violence Hotline, Prevent Child Abuse America and many other outstanding organizations which hold rallies, they help victims recover and rebuild their lives; yet we cannot get a public policy legislator to truly address and make it their public platform to face the very serious pandemic numbers which continue to soar above three million reports every single year. I’m tired of counting the bodies, I’m disheartened by the lack of public concern and the constant avoidance of the direct issues. Constantly I pray that someday all that happened to me, and many other millions like me, will one day matter to those who have the power to mandate our laws and protect the very precious right to simply BE SAFE!! The rights to be free; free from harm and free from fear. One day we will protect the rights of every human being to be safe, no matter who is harming them. What worries me most, is how many lives will it cost us before we actually begin implementing the changes needed to ensure we are doing the very best for our children’s future tomorrow.

Let’s stop counting the bodies and do something about the crimes!!

Thanks for reading, perhaps you’ll also sign our petition here —- https://www.change.org/p/mr-president-please-enforce-the-right-to-be-safe-for-all-persons-especially-our-children-enforce-family-terrorist-act-trecia-s-law

I’d like to thank Investigative Reporter Eric Steltzer with WANDtv.com for the fabulous interviews and share those links with readers here…..Courtesy of WANDTV.com

1) http://www.wandtv.com/category/182814/video?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=11396570

2) http://www.wandtv.com/category/182814/video?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=11166176

In closing, Ms. Dana Pfeiffer & Ms. Lisa Chilton, thank you both my friends for your ongoing support and your courage to continue rescuing and assisting all the victims who come into your path. You are both angels and we need your efforts in helping to encourage our society that now is the time to create the greatest change for our human society and protect all persons before something horrific enters their life to destroy the special magic of their spirit within. I’d like to thank Ms Linda Walcher, Kristen Eng, Amie Loman, and Exec Director Darlene Jones of the Violence Prevention Center of SW IL, Mr. Donn Willeford of Hoyleton Ministries, Michal Madison, Mary Graziano, Kelly Townsend, Julia De’Alfanzo, Tammy Fox, Bill Murray, Petra Luna and many hundreds of other amazing advocates who continue to fight the good fight and support victims, survivors, and families touched by the horrible cycle of these crimes. Together we can all make a huge difference, and remember by making the choice today to protect just one person in your life’s circle, to be a positive influence in their lives; you hold the power to change their life’s path, eventually protecting their children and their grandchildren from all the suffering which impacts that victim today.

Blessings & thank you readers,

Patricia A McKnight

Author; ‘My Justice’

Fndr: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Steps to Recovery –Daily Rebuilding Skills

Family Crimes & Terroristic Abuse Training Program

Contact me today for your next eventtrish.mcknight@live.com

www.facebook.com/triciagirl62