Will we just keep counting the bodies……..

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http://www.clipsyndicate.com/video/play/5717473

Interview courtesy of: WCIAtv, reporter Jessica Kunz

This is a fabulous interview and friends I am extremely grateful for the past few months of interviews I’ve been blessed to take part in; this one by Jessica and two others with Investigative Reporter, Eric Steltzer WANDtv.com (links for these two interviews listed below). My concern however; can someone possibly explain to me why we would rather just keep counting the bodies of the millions of children harmed everyday by family sex trafficking or family terroristic abuse and torment; keep counting the lives of millions destroyed by these acts every year rather than addressing the issue head-on?

Dammit I’m FURIOUS!!! I’ve handled just about all of the authoritative rejection I can possibly deal with on this issue. These past 5 years have been spent channeling as much energy as possible in providing education, awareness, activism, and advocating for the individual basic right to be safe, especially for our children. Many other outstanding advocates have either teamed up with me personally, or have done their own exhaustive advocating on the very serious pandemic numbers which continue to climb above 3.5 million every year, and those are just the numbers of child maltreatment reports. However, because of the mandates, which are not updated to address the hidden trauma behind the family terroristic nature of the abuse to force a child to remain silent and simply endure whatever it is their parent continues to dish out on them day after day, year after year, until they are old enough to get away or they end up self destructing. Sadly many thousands of these wounded souls commit suicide every year, because the trauma is just too severe to overcome and the heavy burden of shame and silence refuses to be addressed by those in our community and our politicians who have the power to create the changes needed to save their lives.

Yes, I’ve used my own personal story, but I don’t feel its my right to discuss someone else’s history. Also the nature of my very public and well known family sex trafficking, exploitation, terrorized slavery, and disfiguring neglect is really one of the most extreme cases I’m aware of, as is with a few other survivors, but none to the public knowledge that mine exceeded in our small rural community.  However, rest assured my goal is NOT for personal gain, but rather to create one of the strongest untied stands across the country in our human history to ensure that these crimes STOP NOW!!

I’ve been shut down by the Illinois Dept of Public Health, stating my story was too graphic and although April’s conference in Peoria was for the qualified trained professionals on Women’s Health and Family Wellness; I was told I needed to tune back my story and reduce the graphic nature of those 30+ years in hell. They had professionals declining to attend my presentation because it was just more than they could possibly handle. Do they realize that children are still suffering in these tragedies everyday? Do they realize that if they do not face it and discuss it, they will NEVER get a child to discuss it with them? Do they realize that by refusing to listen for one hour as I talk about the actions of Family Crimes and the extreme trauma involved when the acts have been committed with complete malice, in a form of terroristic nature, for the sole purpose of silencing the child and preventing them from ever feeling safe enough to talk about these ugly secrets, thus preventing any criminal charges against the parents who commit and allow these grievous acts? Do they realize the continue teaching of shame, rejection, and of course, SECRET KEEPING they enforce when they as trained healthcare professionals cannot handle listening to a one hour presentation which will help them spot and treat, assess and assist a victim of any age trapped in these vicious attacks?

Last October, I teamed up with a personal friend and the Legal Advocacy Director for Violence Prevention Center of Southwestern Illinois. I had been working on a proposal to address the very serious crimes within our family unit and the terroristic nature in which they were constantly kept secret and silent. Lisa Chilton and I took the proposal to Illinois House Representative Jay Hoffman, then to Illinois States Attorney Brendan Kelly, and in late February I was notified that ‘terroristic’ was not the proper or acceptable word to use, and out of ten guidelines in the proposal they were ready to introduce a measure to change the Statute of Limitations for a barrage of criminal sexual offenses against a child, including involuntary sexual servitude. The measure House Bill #3242 was going to change our S.O.L. from 1 year after victims 18th birthday, to 20 years, which would allow the victims time to first escape the parental control and then go through the very long and grieving process of accepting what had actually happened, then they could bring forth criminal charges by the time they were 38 years old. However, when I emailed Representative Hoffman last week about a date they would be introducing this bill, I received what seemed to me, a proper political email; “I regret to inform you we had other bills processed and decided not to address this issue at this time, but rest assured I am determined to stand behind your cause.” I really do not mean to offend Representative Hoffman, IL Dept of Public Health, or any other of our legislators or our state and national resources, but I certainly would like to ask, ‘When will the body count be serious enough for our systems to finally take a very public stand and address what changes need to be implemented to ensure we are doing our very best; not only protect the individual rights of our children, all victims to be safe, but also update our public policy on how we assess, assist, and investigate every report of maltreatment made across the country?’

There is another person whom I’ve partnered with, Dana Pfeiffer, Director of Grounds of Grace a nonprofit resource assisting victims of human trafficking, terroristic abuse, and other related family crimes around Central Illinois, including our State Capital of Springfield where the amazing President Lincoln began his strongest political campaign, which later led to the equal rights to FREEDOM for all persons. The Emancipation Proclamation granting freedom for all persons to be seen equal in the eyes of our laws, without regard to race, religion, gender, and age. These are our basic Human & Civil Rights, written into law by our United Nations General Assembly in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and our own American Constitution; in fact it is the basic freedoms our country was founded on but yet we still can’t truly stand up for those rights, especially when it comes to our children and the desperate destruction happening within our families every single day.

Dana Pfeiffer and I have teamed up in speaking engagements as I present my history and what I advocate for today, she is right by my side validating the serious crimes she helps victims escape committed by their family, most commonly their parents. The numbers she assists continues to climb, victims as young as 2 years old to 68 years old. When I address people in authority, or in any setting, about the serious nature of my case, it is not for your pity. I don’t need your pity and absolutely DO NOT WANT YOUR PITY. I’ve survived and my life is very good today. I am safe, I am loved, and if my children and grandchildren weren’t still dealing with the emotional staining from those acts that distorted and destroyed the safe path in my life; my life today would actually be quite perfect.

However, what I do hope those who hear my story, or read ‘My Justice’, will take from all of the extreme vicious and very public nature of exploitation, sex trafficking, terrorized slavery, and the disfiguring neglect of all basic human needs; I WANT YOUR ACTION. We need to ensure not another single person is abandoned and judged as I was throughout the six consecutive years of family friends, school teachers, neighbors, adult men and boys who got their own special time with the child, the law enforcement who knew me well and didn’t care at all that my skin was rotting and filth covered because I could not even safely bathe in my home. Every person in Freeburg, Illinois knew my family, knew my mother;‘POOR WOMAN, having to deal with such a horrible man’.

Guess what towns people, she didn’t deal with him at all, cause he was like a comforting blanket who kissed the ground she walked on. He would have done anything for her, and he did leave my brother and sister alone, but me; I was his target. I was his to do with as he pleased, she not only sacrificed me for him to do with as he pleased, but she also abandoned all basic human needs, ordered me to care for, cook for, and provide for the family needs, she purchased him a little brass bell that only I was expected to answer to at all times. The citizens of Freeburg either witnessed, took part in, or saw the very public destruction of a young growing girl and tagged her as the ‘Village Whore’, rather than try to help her. When I reached out today asking those in public office, those in media who have the ability to share this story, those who fight for protective rights and those in every small community; still all I have felt is that same sense of disregard I lived with all my life. No one cared when it was my parents. No one reported the many years of almost murderous attacks and beatings in my relationships and marriages. Neighbors, police, and healthcare all dismissed the horrific nature of my daily life and figured I didn’t deserve their help then, and apparently the continuing climbing numbers of those speaking about these past decades in hell, they are all getting those same closed doors as I am today.

When I write, do interviews, or even the creation of our petition addressing Family Crimes and Terroristic Abuse (link below for you to sign now), what I want, what all of the hundreds of survivors hope to achieve in sharing our voices today; we want to inspire every healthcare worker, every educator, every community member to notice the warning signs of the desperate victims and rather than abandon them and judge them for the disgusting behavior or promiscuous nature of their acts, HELP THEM!! Maybe you’ll be the one to rescue them; to give them a chance to heal their wounds, learn the positive behaviors and become better parents for their children. It’s easy to look at a family or a person, pass our taught nature of judgment and then turn away and do nothing, but it takes great courage to say that every life matters and EVERY CHILD DESERVES TO BE SAFE!!!

I don’t understand why, throughout our entire human existence, the authorities who have the power to do something simply disregard the serious body count related to suicide, murder, and self destruction from these vicious and disgusting acts, especially when committed against a helpless child who cannot fight back, cannot run away; they can only endure in silent tears the shameful brutal crimes committed against them by their parents and family. I really do not understand why we do not step up and scream out; ‘THAT’S IT, THIS IS NOT THAT CHILD’S CRIME AND SHOULD NOT BE THAT CHILD’S BLAME’!!

How many more centuries will people have to endure these types of attacks within their homes, by their parents or their partners, then walk away filled with pain and terror, while the offenders are protected by the forced ugly secrets of torture and trafficking, or they walk away with a slap on the wrist rather than the harshest punishments deserving of their actions? It is their choice to attack and terrorize, especially when they are attacking and forcing a child into dark secrets and a life filled with destructive behaviors and continued shame in the feeling of not being worth saving. We have hundreds of documented studies which reveal how a life in traumatic events and vile attacks impacts the lives of individuals. We have studies confirming the frontal lobe brain development impaired and twisted by the repeated years trying to survive and making daily decisions based on what they need to do in order to just survive that day. We have the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, the Centers for Disease and Control, National Domestic Violence Hotline, Prevent Child Abuse America and many other outstanding organizations which hold rallies, they help victims recover and rebuild their lives; yet we cannot get a public policy legislator to truly address and make it their public platform to face the very serious pandemic numbers which continue to soar above three million reports every single year. I’m tired of counting the bodies, I’m disheartened by the lack of public concern and the constant avoidance of the direct issues. Constantly I pray that someday all that happened to me, and many other millions like me, will one day matter to those who have the power to mandate our laws and protect the very precious right to simply BE SAFE!! The rights to be free; free from harm and free from fear. One day we will protect the rights of every human being to be safe, no matter who is harming them. What worries me most, is how many lives will it cost us before we actually begin implementing the changes needed to ensure we are doing the very best for our children’s future tomorrow.

Let’s stop counting the bodies and do something about the crimes!!

Thanks for reading, perhaps you’ll also sign our petition here —- https://www.change.org/p/mr-president-please-enforce-the-right-to-be-safe-for-all-persons-especially-our-children-enforce-family-terrorist-act-trecia-s-law

I’d like to thank Investigative Reporter Eric Steltzer with WANDtv.com for the fabulous interviews and share those links with readers here…..Courtesy of WANDTV.com

1) http://www.wandtv.com/category/182814/video?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=11396570

2) http://www.wandtv.com/category/182814/video?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=11166176

In closing, Ms. Dana Pfeiffer & Ms. Lisa Chilton, thank you both my friends for your ongoing support and your courage to continue rescuing and assisting all the victims who come into your path. You are both angels and we need your efforts in helping to encourage our society that now is the time to create the greatest change for our human society and protect all persons before something horrific enters their life to destroy the special magic of their spirit within. I’d like to thank Ms Linda Walcher, Kristen Eng, Amie Loman, and Exec Director Darlene Jones of the Violence Prevention Center of SW IL, Mr. Donn Willeford of Hoyleton Ministries, Michal Madison, Mary Graziano, Kelly Townsend, Julia De’Alfanzo, Tammy Fox, Bill Murray, Petra Luna and many hundreds of other amazing advocates who continue to fight the good fight and support victims, survivors, and families touched by the horrible cycle of these crimes. Together we can all make a huge difference, and remember by making the choice today to protect just one person in your life’s circle, to be a positive influence in their lives; you hold the power to change their life’s path, eventually protecting their children and their grandchildren from all the suffering which impacts that victim today.

Blessings & thank you readers,

Patricia A McKnight

Author; ‘My Justice’

Fndr: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Steps to Recovery –Daily Rebuilding Skills

Family Crimes & Terroristic Abuse Training Program

Contact me today for your next eventtrish.mcknight@live.com

www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

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Family Crimes Act–Trecia’s Law

 

Hi Readers,

We changed the name but not the measures. No one approved of the name ‘Family Terrorist Act’ – so we changed it to ‘Family Crimes Act’. However, we still hold firm in our guidelines and measures to introduce the acts of ‘terroristic’ abuse.

Read, Sign, Share & Promote our petition here – https://www.change.org/p/mr-president-please-enforce-the-right-to-be-safe-for-all-persons-especially-our-children-enforce-family-terrorist-act-trecia-s-law

Don’t you ever get fed up of the way abusive, violent and/or sexual problems keep harming persons inside your family, your continued bloodline? How many of us have kids suffering in bad relationships, harmful marriages, personally destructive acts such as; drugs, alcohol, mental health problems and other such challenges. Does your family have a history of these dysfunctions? Perhaps your mother, father, brother, sister, grandparent have all dealt with either violence or sexual harm?  I don’t understand how so many of us have been terrorized by parents & family, but still our society turns away.

On average it was back in the early 1960’s we started reviewing and collecting data on these types of issues, although we certainly didn’t address the seriousness of the types of actions; nor have we addressed them as being crimes. However, there is constant overwhelming medical, financial, and prosecutorial challenges and burdens as a direct result of these crimes in our country alone; yet they seem to be the most lenient of punishments in our system. We call persons we DON’T know, who commit acts like this, MONSTERS. However, when it is a parent, family member, partner, spouse; we just turn away and tell our kids not to say anything to anyone about it. We tell them that even though these acts are some of the most horrific, graphic, and brutally detrimental; there is no need to address them, ‘just shut up and get over it already’.

How much longer are we willing to do this? How many more lives will be impacted by these life wounding, taught human cruelties? How many more will commit suicide or live as if death & destruction is what they deserve, because no one has ever seemed to care about just how bad it really was, or still is, for them? How much longer will it take for our society to be concerned enough to stand firm, stand united, and help those we know are suffering even if it’s just within YOUR FAMILY.

Illinois General Assembly Member, House Representative Jay Hoffman is ready to present one amendment from our drafted guidelines in the ‘Family Crimes Act’ – Trecia’s Law, in the April deliberations of House Bill 3242, Criminal Statutes 2012. In this bill is the added amendment changing Illinois Statute of Limitations for the criminal act of Involuntary Sexual Servitude, along with a barrage of other sexual crimes against a child.

  Illinois Statute of Limitations of sexual crimes against children, including Involuntary Sexual Servitude; changes from 1 year of victim’s 18th birthday – to 20 years from the date of victim’s 18th birthday.

This is a huge measure, finally our criminal system is addressing the intense impact on the victim’s ability to face the ongoing issues of enforced silence or disassociation to the severity of lifetime negative influence as a direct result of these types of ‘terroristic’ abuses. This change allows victim’s time to process trapped emotions from past Criminal Assaults, either physical, emotional, and/or sexual.

Please contact your Illinois Legislators today!! Let’s start right here, right where it happened against ‘Trecia Ann’ and so many others just like her.

 Tell your legislators to VOTE YES House Bill 3242.

Outside of Illinois, contact your Political Representatives and tell them we want to introduce Federal Law across the country to protect rights against Family Crimes, including and especially, the acts of ‘terroristic’ abuse.

 Tell Your Legislators –

One Federal Process of Prosecution & Policy Mandates across the country.

We have on average about 40 Million Adult Survivors, in the U.S. alone. This is estimated because we will never know just how many have been terrorized, shamed, or abandoned to carry dark secrets and life lived patterns of self destruction as a direct result of those which our family, friends, and community members have ignored throughout mankind’s history. We do not have to continue this path. We have a choice to Act in Protection or to Teach Tolerance & Silence. All we have to do is put our foot down; draw our line in the sand; absolutely stand united and strong as one human society to end this ongoing cycle, which is much like our own human cancer invading again and again, generation after generation. Will we continue to ask ‘Why does this have to hurt so many?’, or will we finally look that child in the face and ask; ‘What happened?’

What’s causing you to be so angry at everyone?

What’s causing you to be so sexually aggressive?

What’s causing you to hurt yourself with drugs, alcohol, cutting, and promiscuous behaviors?

What’s causing the increase of porn, criminal behaviors, drug addictions, learning disabilities, and chronic illnesses to invade all economic, geographic, races, religions, ages and genders of our society?

Learn about the growing challenges and the Multi Billion Dollar Annual Burden on our United States Financial Deficit, on average 140 Billion Dollars Every Year of taxpayer monies used in the lifetime prevention and recovery costs related to Child Abuse, Domestic/IP Violence, and Human Trafficking. Let’s put that money to good use and better direct exactly how funds are distributed to prosecute and assist in life skills training and fear related trauma recovery for victims and families who deal with these types of issues. Let’s educate ourselves and learn to connect the dots in our human history and the detrimental behaviors we continue to teach in the forced silence, societal acceptance, and refusal to address these harmful influences, even if its just to change things in your family.

Would you like to take our survey? – ‘Have you suffered terroristic abuse?’ http://goo.gl/forms/ZwoVYDs6fN

Here you’ll find a fabulous presentation we’ve developed from the past five years of studied information, along with the life long-lived in the generational impact of some of the most extremely detrimental and disgusting abuses, which some 200 persons or more have personally shared.

‘Family Crimes’ – the true human horror; presentation created by Patricia McKnight; supported by Dana Pfeiffer, Exec. Director Grounds of Grace and Lisa Chilton, Legal Advocacy Director Violence Prevention Center of SW Illinois. Helping to educate & initiate community awareness in the prevention and recovery services for those dealing with some type of negative impact from acts associated to Family Crimes or Terroristic Abuse. We will present for your employees, guidance counselors, community members, and healthcare or law enforcement responders.

Contact – trish.mcknight@live.com for more information

Help us end the growing cycle of what is now more than 3.7 million reports annually for crimes against children. Together we can all do something to aid in the prevention of these acts, even if its just directly with our family members alone. However, it is crucial we address this as a societal issue as well. Our youth are exploding with dysfunction, rage, criminal and gang related violence. How much longer will you look away when things like this are affecting the lives of your neighbors, your community, or your family?

We are a human society and each have equal rights to life, liberty and security of person; without regard to date of birth, religion, race, or gender. Do not turn away simply because you have been taught to believe; its just another family issue, its nothing that will do any permanent harm.

You Deserve:

Respect as you give to others

Love as you give to others

A safe place in which to live, grow, and thrive

Thank you,

Patricia A McKnight

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Author: ‘My Justice’

Set backs of being a trafficking survivor

There are many different areas of being a survivor of hell which I’ve written about these past three years. In many writings throughout this entire blog you will find writings dealing with all the puzzle pieces we need to examine and shape into our present day lives. You’ll also find many writings which focus on the depression, P.T.S.D., anxiety, finding your center to begin your healing path, the anger which still comes and goes, and the severe neglect of all medical and dental care which has left me so tragically scarred.

However there is an area which still holds me back and one I haven’t focused on much, THE TRAFFICKING OF THE CHILD I USED TO BE!!

This is the process of stealing away who we are and ripping away any sense of value as they use us for trading, manipulation, and offer us out as an object without care of how we feel or what it does to our inner being. It all went along with complete disregard for all of my other care & feelings. It was also a huge part of what my small little community of Freeburg witnessed and knew about, yet chose not to be bothered, because as always ‘I simply was not worth the effort’.

When my stepfather started using me to entice the other men in our little village of Freeburg, Illinois; it was my 11th birthday. It was this day that I began feeling like nothing more than HIS OBJECT. Yes the molestations were actually just an insertion away from being rape at that point, and yes he was a regular visitor  who attacked almost nightly as I lay in the same bed next to his own little girl and Mother just a thin wall away.

On this particular day, I was taken to the bar where Mother worked through the week and a family acquaintance who had been at our house with his own wife and young girls was bartending. They made sure I was drunk with double shots of vodka in a small glass of orange juice that day, one right after the other to celebrate my big #11. It was the first time he offered me out to a young miner. Thank heaven this guy was decent enough to say ‘No, she’s just a kid’. However, Malcolm banged my head off the dashboard of the car when we went outside and repeatedly growled at me, ‘You’re a fucking ugly bitch that’s why nobody wanted you in there’. This would not be his only or his last attempt. The one thing he found out that trip is that when he got me drunk he could manipulate me into using my body in a sexually enticing way to attract the attention of men and then they would continue buying the drinks.

Ah Ha, a way to get drunk for free!!!

Oh yeah, I didn’t get my birthday that day at all. Mother was so furious he kept me out so long that she chased the girls home from the party, stormed up the street to yank me out of the car; yelled at me during the two blocks we walked home, and sent me straight to my room. Hmmm, again I was being punished, just as it had been when I was 9 and she walked in from work early to find him ready to insert his penis into her naked little girl lying next to him in their bed; the girl so terrified that tears were running down her cheeks. Yet I was always the bad girl, the one to blame for what he did.

Really Mother????

It was just shortly after this experience at the bar when I was first taken out to the barge boat with a crew of about 10 young men. These guys enjoyed the entertainment Malcolm had brought them. All I knew that day was he had told Mother he was taking me fishing. We picked up a couple cases of beer and we drove down some back rode that took us to the edge of the Mississippi where this barge boat was anchored. It was in the middle of nowhere. There were not any barges around this tug boat was moving. There was just this small wooden dock which was shaky, seemed unstable. The boat was parked along the water’s edge with green grass and a big ol’ tree hanging there filled with beautiful green leaves. I remember getting on the boat, although it took some help from one of the guys because I’d already drank down about three full beers he had handed me during our drive. He used the excuse he was taking me fishing quite a bit. It was a staple he could always get away with and she never asked me if I wanted to go or why I didn’t want to go, she just simply sent me along as if to send me out of her hair for the day.

I always guess my teen ages during these events by means of what happened BEFORE he used his favorite shotgun barrel to rape me, and AFTER he used his favorite shotgun barrel to rape me.

This particular day spent with the barge boat guys was before, so I wasn’t yet close to 13 and my body was still quite small and under developed. I think back on these events and remember having more than one set of hands groping and probing me. I remember more than one penis being rubbed against my mouth and having to hold onto them, just like he had taught me to do with him. However, what I remember most are the faces of these young men, the many men. I can always remember the faces even if I didn’t know their names.

Malcolm enjoyed every moment watching me there with those grown men. He enjoyed them getting me high and feeding me more and more booze. He enjoyed them blasting a stereo with rock music, which he always hated unless it was for one of these types of ‘special days’. I believe they had an 8track with the Rolling Stones playing in the background. I remember it was making every bone in my body hurt as they banged away. If you remember the early Stones, it was actually pretty heavy during the mid 70’s as were most bands back then. However, the Stones have always been pretty recognizable by their music. To this day I cannot stand to hear their music because it takes me right back to that boat and again I feel the many men surrounding me from every angle.

There were at least three trips to that barge boat I remember, but the faces were not always the same. Most of the men looked to be shaggy, grungy, and about their around their late 20’s to early 30’s. I remember being terrified. I remember quite clearly not knowing what was going to happen, or who was going to do what. I remember not knowing who was behind me and not being able to focus clearly. This may have been my body dissociating because it was too traumatic or it may have been caused from the drugs or alcohol.

Lord only knows what they were feeding me to lower my ability to fight back and make a child so drunk she just fell into their arms.

There was the night I was ordered to have the party while he took Mother out of the house. Malcolm picked out what I was supposed to wear. He told me what boys I needed to invite and then gave me the instructions on how to start playing spin the bottle and allow them all to grope and take me into my bedroom upstairs. This happened on more than one occasion that would always lead to playing Post Office and I was the only piece of mail to handle.

I remember the school mates who lined up to receive the blow jobs or were ordered to take me into the next room and “give me the fucking I deserved”!!! I remember two school friends of my brother’s whom I thought I could trust as friends. Upon their invitation I went for a cruise to smoke a joint. The next thing I knew we were parked on the back rode, I’m thrown down in the backseat of the car with one of teens on top of me and my zipper broken as he ripped off my jeans. I remember well the face of the other guy as he stayed on the front seat with his head turned back, watching and cheering on as his buddy plugged away and I was crying for help. The guy in front was one my brother had been hanging out with for about four years or more, so they were pretty close friends; otherwise I never would have gone with them in the first place. He looked me straight in the eye while his buddy raped me and then told me what a ‘rotten fuck’ I was. ‘How disgusting I was and why did he think I would be worth fucking in the first place’.

These are the types of rapes and orgy type of events that were such a huge part of my teen years. Most of them took place after the rape via shotgun barrel, but it certainly didn’t make them any less traumatic. As I got older it became more difficult for me to be lured into the parties because I was finally working and did my best to be gone as much as possible, especially if I could work late shift at the cloak room of the restaurant. Thank heaven for work because it became my way to escape it all. I didn’t have to be at home slaving for them if I was working. I didn’t have to be available to attend the late night parties if I could work instead. Malcolm and I began fighting each other constantly.

I’m not so sure just how much my brother and sister knew about all of the parties, rapes, orgies, but I know they knew about the beatings and the molestations from Malcolm himself. Either way they too were just children and trapped in the same alcoholic daily fueled home I was in, so I wouldn’t have expected them to do anything for my rescue even if they had the chance. I know there were a few times when my adopted brother John protected me, which happened more so after my other brother went off to the army at 17. John was still living at the house mainly because he really didn’t have anyone else who wanted to claim him as their son. Mother opened her house up to any child that needed a place to sleep, eat, rest, call home for awhile or just needed some form of kindness. Funny though, she didn’t give a crap about what was happening to her own daughter. Anyone could do anything and she would call me the whore for allowing it to happen. 

My God, what would it take for her to just see me as her little girl, her daughter, her flesh & blood, the child she created and carried, gave birth to and cared for; at least until the man she married began attacking me while she was home, in the next room, giving me away, parading me as if I was some type of treasure for others to use. A treasure which only he could determine who and what they did to me. A treasure he could force or coerce into whatever situation suited his sadistic pleasures at that time.

These days there is a lot of excellent work I’ve done in my healing from being a sexually abuse, raped & molested, beaten & tortured child. However, there is also a lot of accepting in what my body has been put through with the many other men. How do you tell people that before you were 17, you have no idea how many teen boys & grown men had used your body for sex?. How do you tell people about how they were multiples at once, not just a guy here or there? How do you explain to people that when you look them in the face, knowing they know all about your past, you’re terrified of what judgment passes through their mind?

So many had used me one way or the other, orally or raped, and then told me I was like screwing a dog or a horse. I wasn’t worthy of them even admitting they had sex with me. I can understand the older men in our little community, because I was just a kid and they were paying Malcolm to come to the parties so they could feel up the child who was forced to drink, get high, and be their entertainment; all while Mother sat in her bedroom watching TV and giving me a snide  ‘Have Fun’ as she closed the door.

Its bad enough to accept that you have no clue how many men there were throughout those years. Its horrifying to know that I barely escaped as Malcolm wanted to put me up in my own little trailer; have his own little private lock with his own little private key; so we could have all the little private parties he wished and invite as many as would pay!!

Sadly, I’m not so sure that what’s been swirling around in my head lately is because I’ve been looking more into working directly with some anti-trafficking advocates & task force rescuers, or if its because I’ve been pushing myself to promote the book? Anytime I start putting myself out there on display, be it in promoting the book; or really, doing anything that brings the attention and focus to my special anything, I instantly start hearing all of those voices saying to me; ‘What a dirty, ugly, rotten fuck I was and they had no clue why they thought I would be worth their time or money.’ As I got older it would be boyfriends & husbands who smashed my head into the mirror while screaming about how ugly I was and why in the hell did they end up with me?

All of these condemning words accompanied any type of vulnerable position I might have been in and today as I’m reaching out with some focus on me and on the book, I am right back there again and it’s like a jagged knife ripping away at the healing I’ve built up to protect me.

How and when does it end? When will all that they have done to me be over and all their evil have passed through my spirit so that I can truly be on the other side? Why is it that during all those horrific teen years of my life did not one person ever feel like I was worth saving? What was it about the blue eyed child that made me such an outcast by all of those around me? Was it the rot of my skin, the stench of my body, the broken black fangs of my teeth? Was it the evil of Malcolm and his wicked games?

Maybe one day I will get my answer, but truly I’m not so sure that will ever come. As I’ve said, this has been eating away inside this past couple weeks and I feel like, as one dear friend put it so well, ‘Like Trecia Ann is screaming I’m alive and no one is listening, no one feels that I am worthy once again.’

What a tragedy life can be at times. How horrible the feelings of being a sex trafficked child and knowing in your heart that so many knew and chose to do nothing. How am I supposed to feel about all of it now? Angry, yes I am, but trying hard not to express it. Who would I express it too, there is no way to address all those who took part, witnessed, or just didn’t give a damn. Malcolm is gone now and Mother made sure he was buried with full military honors. Mother is out of my life and we haven’t spoken but a few hateful words in the past five years. None of my siblings want anything to do with me at all, and that was way before the book went public or before I even thought about writing it at all. Who should receive the anger, myself for what I took part in with the alcohol and weed, cocaine and a few downers? Could I have escaped any earlier than I did? Could I have done something to stop it all from happening? Was I that trained to just simply obey or did I know the beating may not be survived if I turned them all down and started screaming?

I’m not so sure what to think of myself now. I’m not so sure how others will accept this when they read it. However, something tells me much like my writing to help those molested and raped by their parents and others, this too is a way they will be able to feel and process another part of their own pain. I’m taking a huge chance at putting this out there, I can only imagine what whispers will be shared. However, in my healing and building a new life for myself, one without shame and without pain, this is a part of the process I must work through. Let’s pray that it reaches those it should. That it helps just one young person who has been forced to endure these same types of vicious crimes. Maybe someday it will all be done and I will then simply be able to just be me and just be happy.

‘I am screaming, I am alive, I do matter!!

Patricia ‘Trish’ McKnight          promoblkwht.jpg

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Author: ‘My Justice’

©Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery 2012 

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamstalkradio

 

 

The Town Who Chose to Abandon the Child

The Town Who Chose to Abandon the Child.

The wounds you can’t see…..

There are many different truths of being a survivor of trauma that I’ve shared in the past two years. Almost everyday I try to share something positive to empower others like myself, to inspire hope for a new awakening to the truths of the damage inflicted by the acts and the darkest of mankind’s evil actions against another.

As many of you are aware also, I spent not only twelve years enduring the vicious attacks, both physical and sexual, from my stepfather; the endless rejection from my family, but also twenty years of repeated physical attacks from FIVE separate men. This isn’t to say that only men are the attackers, it’s just what I went through. (There are thousands of women who are very aggressive and who need the power over others).

So now I look at where I am today. I always talk about living in your present. For most survivors, this means we have to TAKE CONTROL OF OUR THOUGHTS. We have to concentrate and keep them from getting sucked into the past. I, and many like me, deal with this every moment of every day!!! Try it for awhile, it’s not an easy task and it takes time to become good at focusing your energy on staying in the positive. It’s difficult enough for anyone in today’s world, but for someone who has gone through years of brutal trauma; it’s truly much more difficult. Not something I would wish on any other being.

How do I see myself right now?

1) My life is in a very safe place.

2) It is well supported (for the most part anyway). I really don’t have family or friends from my past that are with me now. There are a few who have come from my hometown of Freeburg, a few who I went to school with and their parents know mine. It is not their fault of what happened to me. Its not their fault they didn’t say something or question. They were kids like me and it was a different time in our world. Kids didn’t speak against parents and no one talked about abuse or violence in the home. Sadly this is why we have so many of us who are survivors now. The cruelty of our parents came from the cruelty and discipline of their parents. We live what we know and patterns of acceptable behavior are formed. However, there were many adults who had both a responsibility to question and the authority to help rescue. For today though my friends both who have come into my life through Robbie, and those I have made in the virtual world of social networking; these are the people that stand by me now and accept all I am today. This is huge for me. Never before have I felt like I didn’t have to hide from anyone or hide the truth of who I am and what happened. This is my empowerment and the strand of hope that guides me through.

3) My physical health is a wreck; multiples of vertebral and spinal cord traumas. I suffer from Syringomyelia, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Obstructive Pulmanary Disease, the early stages of Atherosclerosis, Neuropathy in my hands and feet from the spinal cord damage, which caused severe burning, stinging, numbness in my fingers and toes and heels. I’m not wheelchair bound, but not far from it sometimes. There are instant migraines that can hit by simply turning my head to quick to look at something. There are many days that it’s difficult to even climb out of bed.

4) My mental health is a constant work in progress. Do I feel good about where I am today? Yes, but there are still the lasting effects from the attacks. I go through cycles of depression. Most days are pretty good, but then one morning I wake up and all I want to do is sleep it away. I get startled very easily. It freaks me out when my dog pants heavy. These days I don’t feel the need any longer to lock the bathroom door, at least most times when showering, but I still get sudden sensations of my stepfather sneaking outside the shower curtain. When I run a tub of water, I am reminded of having my head shoved under and the attempted (almost completed) drowning at 19. This happened a lot with the first of my chosen men. There are moments and memories of all the attacks that stay with me.

5) The relationships with my children are strained at best. Things happened that placed them in danger, by choices of both their father when he ran with them and me with my different abusive husband/boyfriends. Their stepfather was in my life for either years and only the first six months were pretty. There was one that struck my teen daughter and I ended up in jail for punching him in the face. There was another that threw my daughter into a closet door as he tossed her away when she was trying to defend me. There were constant days of walking on eggshells for them and worrying about if they were too loud, left their toys out, if they stomped around too much upstairs. They had dinners of waiting for the explosion or waiting for the drunk to come through the door. It was horrible for them, how can I expect us to have a healthy relationship? How can I expect them to have healthy relationships and view their life without memories, flashbacks, triggers, repeated patterns of behavior and more?

So why do I give so much of myself to staying in a positive light? I know that with my health, I’ll be lucky to have another FIVE good years. I know this reality and Robbie does as well. It’s alright, I don’t worry about the day of dying; I worry about what happens after I’m gone. Have I given all I can to try to help others learn the importance of being decent, helping to rescue and support those who live with this trauma? Is publishing my story and being an advocate with true passion enough to tell my children how sorry I am for all they had to go through? Will I really be able to build something from all of the bad that’s happened so that I can provide some type of change for the future? All the years of pain have to mean something, it cannot be just because that’s what happened. It cannot be that a soul can be so destroyed and controlled by so many different offenders and live for over THIRTY years accepting these attacks; believing that you deserved each and every single one, this cannot be my only existence in this world.

Moving into 2013 I have shared the new website, http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com I have also shared our radio show will be starting NEXT FRIDAY!!! On Jan 04, 2013 – I will be broadcasting our first show and the other hosts will be calling in to announce their programs. I’m really excited about bringing all of this to one focal point. The website, the Survivors World support group, Generation No More, it’s all coming together and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve spent the greater part of the past two years trying to decide how I really wanted to help. This provides all I was aiming at doing before the Good Lord takes me away.

Staying positive for me is absolutely necessary!!! I cannot maintain any other way. There is too much pain and dark memories that climb into my world as it is, there are too many moments of my wanted happy life that have been disrupted already. I can’t let the numerous abusers of my past take away what’s left of my life. I will not allow myself to wallow in what has been, but instead my drive and my focus is aimed at what I can try to change. In my heart and in my soul I believe there are thousands of women just like me; beaten down from a brutal life of accepting so many violent attacks. There are some still living in these types of relationships, there are others who are still living in the silent pain of what’s happened. There are millions of men who are also finally finding out it’s alright to say, ‘I Hurt’!!! We do hurt, and it sucks, but do not give in and let them win. Please take back the happy moments you deserve in this life. You are not born to be a target of others. You are not given life just so others can destroy it. Every living being has a purpose on this earth. There is life inside every heartbeat. How can we pretend that all of this means nothing?

Hopefully all of you who read this will find one strand of hope written within these truths. It’s not easy to be us, it sucks to be one who was so wrongfully abused and had an entire lifetime taken from them. How can we not try to seek out that star of ours? How can we allow someone to endure this dark pain alone? Friends, there is no other option but to keep moving forward and continue putting forth the effort to live happy!!!

May your new beginning that comes with the spirit of the New Year, 2013; be one that you grab onto and live it for all its worth. May you know unconditional love and feel the friendship of those who see your inside self and still accept who you are. May you build dreams and chase them, create them, design them, and allow them spirit to fly. I’ve given my project the name Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery because I want to help others climb out of the cocoon of their past, no matter what that past has attached. If you are unhappy in life, there is only one person who can change what is. Spread your beautiful wings and become all that you were born to be. Find the you that lives inside and wants to now have their turn. We can all find reasons and excuses why we don’t chase after better happier ways, but it shows great courage to climb out from under all the sadness and pain; picking up the puzzle pieces of your life and building, recreating, the beautiful spirit within.

Here’s to giving hope and love to your dreams come true!!! May you walk proud and with glory for all you’ve overcome.

Be magical, Be you Smile

© Patricia A. McKnight

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Radio Host/Survivor

Fndr/Pres: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

My Justice’ – This is not about any legal form of justice ever received or charged in my story. The justice is in finally finding my voice and the courage to talk about all that’s happened; the impact it left on me; the cycle that moved forward to my children.

May you find peace and justice in speaking about your truth!!!

A Word from Peter Thomas Senese……..

Peter, there is no other way for me to repay you for the kindness and support, for the friendship and respect you have given me. I have been so blessed to have you come into my world. This amazing friendship is much more than I could have ever imagined would exist, but here you are paying such a huge tribute to me; calling me a “HERO”.

A tribute and recognition from the fabulous bestselling author and founder of I CARE Foundation, my friend, Mr Peter Thomas Senese!!!!

http://peterthomassenese.blogspot.com/2012/09/a-hero-amongst-us-my-justice-author.html

Dear Friends, I am so extremely proud of this, I just simply had to share with all of you 🙂 I hope you enjoy this as much as I did, but this probably isn’t possible!!!

Live as the rose you are within!!!!

Blessings & thank you for visiting, supporting this page!!!