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This blog takes me deep into thought and I wonder about even publishing, but to heal I must see the reality of my world.
You all allowed this to happen!! What the hell did I ever to to you? Then you have the audacity to turn away and abandon not only me, but my children. My family actually damns them because of what our parents created in me. The town of Freeburg, Illinois watched for NINE LONG YEARS as I rotted in the hell of my world. Not a single one of those 1500 citizens ever questioned or urged someone to get involved.
‘Why would you just stand there and watch me die?’
‘My Justice’ is a cold hard look into what you all watched or took part in throughout those many years. Sure there are those who were only children, as I was; still many of those young men enjoyed the whore this man created and shared or encouraged others to play with; still everyone ignored her existence every day.
It is not possible for me to complete my healing until I have processed all the emotions I was forced to bury. The tears I was forced to swallow, the madness I’ve carried and the pain I felt. There was not a single day that I didn’t pray someone would help me. There was not a single night that I didn’t ask God for His mercy to take my out of my nightmare.
‘How am I supposed to deal with all of this now? Should I look back and say they didn’t know what to do? How can I blame them for what my parents did?
What would you do if it was you?’
Is it possible that you would see the reflection I see and feel no pain or sadness? My skin is covered with the scars of the rotting infected sores. You remember, the ones you saw on me and made sure your children didn’t associate with me because of what they might catch or what they might be lured into doing? You blamed me and judged me, shunned me and saw a young girl as the village whore. The one your sons were never to date. The one who might infect your child with some skin eating disease. You remember me now? How would you feel if it were you? Would you have allowed this to happen to any other child? How do you see your moral standards now? Is there any remorse for your ignorance?
‘Why would you just stand there and watch me die?’
‘Do you understand what happened and just how serious, almost deadly, these grievous attacks became? Believe me, Mona and/or Malcolm committed or silenced me in servitude and protecting my personal terrorist?’
To the school officials and teachers who I had contact with every day; those from Carl L. Barton Middle School during the years of 1974 ‘til 1977 and those of Freeburg Community High School. Although I started school and moved to your town when still a very young child, entering third grade with Ms. Boyer; it wasn’t until I was around 11 that things really started getting deadly in my home.
Was I really that transparent that you didn’t notice me at all? Seems a bit funny to me since the P. E. teachers and kids would not only avoid any and all physical contact with me, but you made sure to shame me in front of the others. You stared at my filthy unwashed uniform filled with the stench of my unwashed body. You glared at the scabs and flesh eating sores that covered my arms and legs. The girls who I changed clothes with in the gym locker room for six years stared and whispered about the rumors and bruises that often cover my young body. These are my memories of you and I cannot erase my reality.
To the law enforcement; you knew of his alcoholic rage and perverted behaviors. You knew, around 13 years old (1975 – 1980), that our home was constantly the party house. Almost once a month these parties consisted of one grown man, one young girl, and at least 5 young boys. You heard all the rumors about the pot that was smoked or the girl offered out like candy. You definitely knew from the kids wandering around inside and outside, each holding cups or cans of beer; the loud music and traffic that concerned the neighbors, but you did nothing.
In my eyes, none of you were not brave enough to do your job and check on the children of this home. When you stopped me out on the street, to either talk or question me, you saw the rotting teeth and in our roasting hot summer days you saw my arms filled with filth and huge sores. You did nothing!!
You knew either by rumor or being told by the bar owners, that he was so dangerous when drinking my mother warned all of the tavern owners to ban him from whiskey completely. However, since they too were afraid of what he might do, they watched his fury grow, then sent him home; knowing there were young children. Remember the little girl who came in to get her mother a pack of cigarettes almost daily? Remember the man that charged his beverages and never paid you back? Remember what you thought of the man?
‘How could you just stand there and watch me die?’
For the adult men and family friends who came through my life; you supported my mother and felt pity because of her husband. You looked at her and said, ‘Poor thing, she’s got to put up with so much hell from that man.’ Do you know he would have crawled naked over fire for her, not once did he ever threaten or harm her, she had the power to stop him and chose to pretend there was nothing wrong with it at all.
The adult men who knew me, watched as he first began exploiting at just 11yrs old at JB’s Tavern. You all got a great thrill out of feeding me Vodka & Orange Juice, or Seven & Seven. You enjoyed watching me ‘shake my a**) as he ordered me to play the jukebox, entice you all to buy him drinks. What about those who came to our home on those late Friday night’s smoking joints & groping a child as you passed her from lap to lap as you watched ‘Debbie Does Dallas’; have any of you ever thought about that child? Did you even pay attention to the filth, the broken teeth, the sores on her body? Your kids all shamed me about it in school almost daily. Eventually it became just the way I was and this is when the mothers prevented their kids from hanging out at our house, friending me, or permitting their sons to date me. Did any of you ever wonder for a moment about that young girl?
‘How could you just stand there and watch me die?’’
I write this and feel the anger boiling in my soul. I know the mix of emotions racing about trying to figure out who to forgive and who to blame. What would you do if it was you? Was I not human? Was I not a child? Do you see the many torturing wrongs you allowed by your refusal to intervene? Do you see that when you chose to ignore the screaming, crying child you watched get beaten in the street or passed out like candy, how you abandoned her and deepened the belief she was his object instead of a little girl?
‘How could you stand there and watch me die?’
‘Why did you shun and abandon me?’
‘What am I supposed to do with these memories now?’
Comment about ‘My Justice’ from my therapist; ‘The entire town of Freeburg should be required to read your book so they can see what they allowed to happen to this beautiful little girl’.
My therapist tells me how wonderful I am, how the horrific childhood didn’t destroy the good loving soul within. She tells me to see the beautiful person she sees, but how do I do that? The pieces of me are torn apart and thrown around in the wind as if merely dust. My heart lies on the side of the road as if a pile of shit left by some creature! How do I grab these pieces of me and mold them back together to see the wonderful, happy child God created?
I feel her strength in me. The child who held on through every night of his disgusting, horrifying, brutal crimes has finally come to the realization that she is a human being and more importantly that she matters. That little girl has found her voice in the midst of all those swirling particles of madness and she speaks to anyone who will listen.
‘Please look into the world of the children around you. Look deeply, through the many silent screams; is there darkness or evil around them?’
There are millions of children who are still being harmed today; in this country, right at this very moment! Do not judge them, shame them, abandon them, blame them;. Rescue them, help them, support them, encourage them, inspire them!
Or, Will you just stand there and watch them die?
Perhaps one day my voice will be heard. Perhaps one day it will matter. More importantly perhaps one day this story will empower you to save the life of a child today!!
~~~~~ Never to be silent again~~~~~
I AM HUMAN! I AM WORTHY! I AM ALIVE!!
©Patricia A. McKnight
Author: ‘My Justice’
Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Blogger/Talk Radio Prod & Host
Survivor/Founder: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
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Ms. Annie O’Sullivan- You’ll be entertained with upbeat conversations, amazing guests and much more EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT @ 9pm e.s.t./8pm c.s.t./7pm m.s.t./6pm p.s.t Annie is bringing her show, titled after her incredible, page turning novel, ‘Can You Hear Me Now’ to our broadcasting team!!! You can catch her program of open discussions about childhood abuse & the trauma we must battle through. This show will surely grab your attention. Annie is an outstanding survivor who knows the broken path we can sometimes walk after a childhood filled with vicious evil. Join in to find out more and get to know the admirable spirit of the Advocate/Author/Speaker/Group Leader/Successful Career/Mother & Grandmother she is today. Be sure to visit Annie’s blog; http://brokenuntilspoken.wordpress.com Check out her story in the novel “Can You Hear Me Now?” – Click here to purchase your copy today!!!
Ms. Lisa Miller-Baldwin – Her special broadcast will be EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT @ 9pm e.s.t./8pm c.s.t/7pm m.s.t./6pm p.s.t.!!! Lisa comes to our team and is also new to the talk radio world. You will be amazed at her talent to both empower and inspire you. Lisa brings to you a show focused on all the issues surrounding the crimes of Domestic/Relationship Violence. Her show ‘My Secret Place’ is about a safe place to talk about the pain and trauma; violation of personal safety, control and degradation that leaves victims having to rebuild who they are and some relocate without family and friends to escape the brutal acts. You will be empowered by her spirit and by the amazing work of this highly devoted Advocate & Founder; Wonderfully Made Foundation, which is dedicated to helping the homeless in our society learn the life skills and seek shelter to get their feet back on the ground. Please join in for her inspiring broadcast and ‘LIKE’ her organization page
Ms. Michal Madison – WEDNESDAY NIGHT @ 9pm est/ 8pm cst/ 7pm mst/ 6pm pst – A fabulous spirit and highly talented watercolor artist, Michal previously broadcasted the ‘Michal Madison Show’. She is now joining our team as she co-hosts with Trish on our Survivors World program!! Michal is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, who also followed the path of dysfunction as her adult relationships swirled into the rage of domestic violence for decades. This program is dedicated to all things survivors, both MALE & FEMALE!!! The broadcast is aimed at providing education, empowerment and encouragement as we share coping skills, life building skills, safety escape strategies and much more. You are invited to call in and share your special path as Michal and Trish open up the phone lines and the chatroom. Survivors World program is based from the original support group founded by Trish back in Nov. 2010 and it has been growing in bonds of friendship and support to help us all know we are not alone and someone will listen to your voice. Be sure to go to the homepage of Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery website and hit the ‘Sign In’ link to request your membership in this growing online support group. We welcome all survivors to our online group and we understand the road you have traveled!!! Check out Michal’s incredibly talented artwork by clicking here, be sure to ‘LIKE’ her page!!
Ms. Patricia ‘Trish’ McKnight – Monday evenings at 9pm est / 8pm cst/ 7pm mst/ 6pm pst; you are invited to join Trish for the broadcast of ‘Generation No More’ a project created on Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery website where a forum page is opened to discuss how the behaviors and teachings of generations past have left their mark and are impacting the lives of our grandchildren today. On this program we discuss ALL things related to the abuses and violent behaviors that have not only been passed down and taught for centuries, but also how these traumas have effected our sense of personal safety and influenced the many dysfunctions of our mental health. You will be intrigued by conversations with special guests, advocates, organizations all geared to help end these acts of cruelty. On these broadcasts we bring a wide variety of topics and share from the forum on the main page for Generation No More. Trish is the author of her own true horror story of a life filled with 32 years trapped in the behaviors trained into her as a child, teen, and into her adult years. She has seen how these crimes and their emotional traumas have cycled forward into the lives of her children, which now impact the lives of her grandchildren.
Trish is dedicated to change what has stained her bloodline for decades and has built a website designed to help us all take a different look at these crimes and how they impact society today. Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Founder of Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery and our talk radio programming. Be sure to catch her with Michal Madison on Wednesday evenings as they host ‘Survivors World’. You can find out more by visiting our website. Be sure to check out the highly praised and reviewed novel about Trish’s own true story of hell in the novel ‘My Justice’; available in paperback, e-book, Kindle & Nook, distributed by Authorhouse Publishing. Get the e-book format for just $2.99 by clicking on this hyperlink!!
Remember you were not brought into this world to have your spirit destroyed by the evil of those around you. There is life after abuse and you too can find your path to freedom!!
You deserve a safe place to sleep
You deserve respect
You deserve kindness & support
You deserve as much love as you freely give to others
You deserve roses in your garden of life!!
Together we all learn to spread our wings, climb out of the darkness of our cocoons; soaring high as we – LIVE STRONG & FLY FREE!!
© copyright protected, January 21, 2013
Patricia A. McKnight
Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Prod. & Host/Survivor
Founder/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 8,300 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 14 years to get that many views.
It saddens me to make this post, but it is necessary in order to protect the reputation I have built and continue to strive in perfection. Many of you have known me since the beginning two years ago; others only from the radio shows, and a few who are just getting acquainted. Those who know me, also know my devotion; the reputation I have worked endlessly to build throughout the internet and on social networking sites.
It has been brought to my attention; information that I have written up on this OFFICIALLY COPYRIGHT REGISTERED AND PROTECTED SITE AND ON THE OFFICIALLY COPYRIGHT REGISTERD AND PROTECTED WEBSITE; is now being rewritten by a few and given as their own creation!!! This is an infringement not only of the copyright protection laws, but also as a respected and trustworthy advocate.
Every post I share is quoted from the original creator of that post or shared from a (via friend) profile post. Therefore I find it offensive that anyone would take the hours that I put into writing/developing/building/creating and post it with the words jumbled to be their own creation. Please respect the very hard work that each and every advocate puts forth each day to help others understand, cope, and get through the muck of surviving or dealing with some form of abuse/violence.
Remember, we are all in this together and only by respecting each other can we truly be a good example for others to follow!!!
Patricia A. McKnight
Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Radio Host & Prod/Survivor
Founder/Pres. Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery
Survivors World online support group
Generation No More
©All information on this site and the official website of Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery is REGISTERED AND PROTECTED under official copyright protection act. Any transformation of these written words without the expressed written consent of the author is forbidden.