A human society creating Victims and Offenders……

Often trying to assist victims of trafficking and other dangerous crimes, we find they don’t always see how serious the harm. For them it is something they just always had to tolerate in order to survive, so as a result by the time they are older teens or adults, they might not even feel it was an actual crime. I know because it happened to me.

The first time he took me out to another location I was about 10 years old and it was a tugboat down around the Baldwin Illinois area. He used to take me with him quite often, something I couldn’t refuse without punishment and something my mother never questioned regardless of what condition I returned home. He picked up a 12pack of Pabst and we took off driving, him feeding me all but three of the beers which he drank. Needless to say I was wasted. I don’t remember everything, but I sadly remember all the hands, the touching, groping, and oral sex I was made to perform on at least one of the men. They lit up a joint and took full advantage of having the intoxicated little girl to play with for their (and his) amusement.

Next it was the bar where my mother worked & all the local coal miners hung out. I was 11 years old when my stepfather involved me in very public exploitative measures so men would buy him beer and he could watch as they all flirted and played with me. He offered the one young man time alone with me outside, thankfully the guy responded ‘She’s just a kid’. However it set off a rage of fury when we immediately left and I was beaten in the car because ‘You’re just too ugly, that’s why nobody wants to be with you.’ My head was bashed against the window a few times, on the dashboard, and his hands clenched around my throat.

Surprisingly my mother came walking up and pulled me out of the car. She didn’t ask why I was crying, or what had happened; she simply hustled me home angry and screaming at me for getting drunk. It was all my fault those men wanted to do things and Malcolm was beating the crap out of me.

This was just the beginning of what would be the next five years of private parties initiated by him with neighborhood boys, schoolmates, and grown men who came to our house on late Friday night. It was all so ‘normal’ for me. It’s what I had been beaten into tolerating and no one was doing anything to stop it. The boys and men always laughed and enjoyed it, my mother stayed in her bedroom and watched tv or she took off for the weekend and left me there.

In all honesty, I had never considered myself a ‘trafficked child’. I didn’t understand how everything that happened and all the ways that I was used, manipulated, and forced into these situations created such a mess and it trained my behavior to be exactly what he wanted; his own personal little prostitute. Sadly by the time I was around 13, that is exactly what the community talked about when they saw me.
How in the world was I supposed to understand exactly how wrong it was when no one was doing anything about it?

The community members whispered about it and how I messed around with their husbands, boyfriends, and sons. They whispered about the filth that covered my body, the body odor, the infected sores, and how I rarely ever had time allowed out of the house because there was always something I had to take care of, or there might be something or someone who needed me to do something. I was the girl their daughters could not hang out with and the girl their sons were never allowed to date. I’ll never forget how it felt growing up in the center of that small Illinois town while neighbors, family friends, teachers, and classmates all made fun of me and shamed me, but not a single person ever tried to help me. In the end the only way I knew how to get through a day without being beaten was to do whatever was ordered, whenever it was ordered, and with whomever was next in line.

It wasn’t until after I started really focusing on coping through my Complex PTSD, and the debilitating injuries from all the physical trauma which existed for some 20 years in my adult relationships. I couldn’t figure out what it was about me, why did all of this stuff happen and why didn’t anyone seem to care? This is when I began writing ‘My Justice’; hoping to put all my pieces back together and help my kids understand that their screwed up ideas about relationships had resulted from how I had been so well trained to tolerate extreme harm and never believe that I deserved anything different. I was almost 50 years old before I was able to connect the dots of trauma, to my lasting wounds today. It was after the book was published and I took a training seminar on trafficking before I realized ‘OMG, that was me’.

Helping victims of Family Crimes, whether it be extreme physical violence, sexual harm, or perhaps even trafficking; these persons do not always understand that they were victims at all. To them, to me, it was just survival. I had to do whatever was demanded and I developed survival coping skills in that horror. This is what happens when we dismiss the possibility or even witnessed exploitation or direct harm of a child.

In trying to help someone cope today, we must have compassion for the emotional instability, remember they are just beginning to realize exactly how much evil they had to endure just to survive. Almost all of the adult & teen prostitutes today, first became victims as a young child. To them their body is nothing more than a sexual object, one built to satisfy others and to endure whatever they might inflict.

Helping victims of Family Related Offenders is a difficult situation because we teach them quite young to be quiet, stop crying about it, it’s nothing, it’s because you did something, it’s because we need the financial help, it’s because we need a roof over our head, it’s your burden to carry those very ugly secrets and never tell anyone about what happens here.

How many more victims of trafficking, grievous injury, emotional trauma, and lasting mental health challenges will our human society continue to raise as we turn our backs and pretend nothing happened, or convince ourselves that it’s not our problem. If you know about a family or person in harm’s way, then it just became your problem. If you don’t get that person help, who will? It’s time to stop raising Victims & Offenders, it’s time to initiate intervention and community involvement to stop ALL crime, even the generational teaching of tolerance about crime inside our family.

Keep in mind that it’s not just the children who are forced or manipulated into multiple sexual interactions or forced to stay quiet as they are beaten beyond recognition. These actions against persons inside our homes affects all races, genders, and most importantly ALL AGES. There are no boundaries when it comes to inflicting harm on those who do not understand or are not able to defend themselves.

We must defend a persons right to be protected regardless of who they are or where they live. Home doesn’t have to be perfect, but it absolutely must be SAFE. To provide any change is going to take a strong united human effort. Ending the harm inside our families, means that we give our children a better, safer world to flourish in their dreams and achievements. Teaching that all beings deserve safety, that we have worldwide laws & constitutional laws defending our right to be safe. This should be taught in every basic history class across the country.

Give a child the gift of freedom without the fear of grievous harm, especially inside their home.
Using information & resources shared on www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery is just one possible source of help. There are resources around the world to aid in this recovery process and life skills development for healthy parenting. If you or someone you know is in distress or being harmed, please research available resources in your area.

 

Thanks & be a blessing to those in your life’s path

Trish McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Network

Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Specialist

Family Violence Speaker & Educator

Family Crimes and Terroristic Abuse Act – ‘Trecia’s Law’

The Maddening Silence!!

When you come from a battered past, whether it be emotional, physical, sexual or even a neglectful pattern of generational abuse/family or relationship violence; we are trained, as anyone would be, to behave in certain manners.

These teachings can reflect in many ways throughout our life.

 
Patterns & Beliefs Of Victims:
    

1) We don’t see any personal value

2) We often see ourselves as objects

3) We don’t have any feeling or acknowledge any pain

4) There is no good example of what love or life is really like

5) You do everything to accommodate others (i.e……having sex – its just sex so give it up when they want it, right? Isn’t that your purpose in life to be an object without feeling or deserving of tenderness, consideration?)

m1    stained1

However, because you are living in these patterns of abusive behaviors, which shut you off in every possible manner; you are unable to see your feelings. As you grow into life and relationships, education, career; you present this to others around you. Unfortunately this often opens the door to another abuser. It seems they can pick you out in a heartbeat and know exactly what to do to lure you into their world. Throughout your journey in the ‘norm’ of life, you simply follow the lead of others.

“Maybe you’ve experienced those relationships where you are so terrified of being attacked that you actually breath in motion so you don’t disrupt your attacker.”

After living in these generationally trained actions for five, ten, (thirty or more years for those more traumatic cases); you tend to walk through life like a cloud is all around you.

“You’re in a heavy cloud of fog and can’t see see to steer the car. You try and try to make the right choices. There are times when you really think it’s all over and it’s going to work out, then you get a little way into positive and suddenly you crash. However, when you look around there’s nothing to grab hold of to help you through, but all you can do is keep moving onward.

Simply put, ‘ The world keeps spinning and you have to keep moving with it. Life comes in responsibility, financial independence, family, children, and you have to take care of all of it, that’s your nature.”

Remember every human action, every human perception, every human response is absorbed; it’s built into us because of the actions to us and around us. Also, every human has a different spirit and each spirit has its own level of tolerance. Each will be traumatized in their own separate way and no one can say how deeply an action did or did not hurt you. No one but you knows the depth of your wounds.

You get to a point where you just want to stand up and scream; I’m a human being! I’m Alive! Listen to me please! He hurt me, help me…” You want to scream so loudly, so fiercely and for so very long that others cannot help but to hear you. For whatever reason though, whether its because you are terrified/traumatized or have simply shut down inside; you just can’t seem to make any noise. Hell, many of us cannot even mouth the words I’ve been raped and beaten.” Then one day, although it may take years or even decades before you can begin to see the pattern of acceptance you’re living inside, it begins to attack in all different directions.

monster appears

If your abuser was your parent and then you become parents, you may even be prone to doing some of those very same acts against other kids or your own kids. These may be physical, or perhaps emotional outbursts they don’t understand or deserve. You’re screaming because of the reflection of yourself and your childhood you now see in them. This sets off a huge trigger and in being humans, having been traumatized in our own separate way; we then respond very differently. There are many abusers who have been victims. There are resources of help for parents who were once victims, one such resource is; Fighters Against Child Abuse.

Remember when you react to children, even a simple, ‘Your stupid’, will stay in their head forever. They will always remember those words, regardless of how hard they try to erase them.

Some of us may turn our head even when our gut tells us something different. Perhaps you are, in a habit or trained manner, and allowing the same Maddening Silence, which once blocked your voice, to continue; unfortunately, this is simply our human genetics.

It is what it is and we’ve been abusing our kids for centuries, probably going back to the creation of mankind.

The silence is all around us, it’s bearing down on us like this huge burden. It’s stained with shame and guilt, and it’s darkened with abandonment and blame.

why

You’re brain, in functioning like that of anyone else, being in its normality; follows what you’ve been taught. You get confused when you see the reality of your world. Then it suddenly hits you that you’ve been living in your entire life in this ‘Maddening Silence’. Your emotions aren’t normal, life is falling apart around you. No matter how hard you try you still can’t scream, you can’t get out; you’re a shattering China Doll.

m2

You walk through life trying to keep the pieces together. When something falls off or gets broken; just get out the glue and keep going. As my friend, Michal Madison so eloquently stated, ‘There isn’t time to slow down and mend the pieces, so just put them in your pocket and go.” One day all the glue disintegrates. Your pieces are all over the place. You can’t pick them up and glue them back together fast enough.

Then as you are on your knees, weeping and begging for it to be over, you suddenly hear something inside of you, it’s like a little scratchy laryngitis voice, but it’s there. You’re completely drawn to what’s going on around you, in a sense you have been letting things happen.

In all practical purposes you’re an adult and the decisions and choices are yours to make. You have to own them, own what the rebound effect of these decisions has been, then get up and make those changes to create something better.

If you’re still a minor then you’ve been going through it long enough and it’s time to break free! You don’t deserve what’s happening to you. Your strength for enduring should be noticed and seen as a great quality. Please give yourself a hug. Forgive what you have done and what you have allowed to go on. Look around where you are right now. See an island in front of you. Take a step and then jump into a new path of life, a new chance at just being you. This happens when you hear that voice and you decide to just start talking.

At first you may say it to yourself, ‘I’m done, and never again will they hurt me. Never will I be raped and beaten again, disrespected and degraded; no I will not do it anymore.’

You have to feel that explosion of madness screaming out,

‘If I don’t change things I’m going to die!!’

no

Now you may not die in a physical sense, but you will die emotionally. Your spirit will slowly disintegrate as you live trapped inside the maddening silence. Unfortunately there are many that break apart and never come back to us. Perhaps you may know someone who’s taken their lives, because they believed they couldn’t change things or they couldn’t escape.

You may know someone who’s died emotionally or the pieces have all fallen apart and they don’t have the strength to put them back together any longer. Tragically they can’t find away to escape the nightmare so they live in a separate world completely. How sad when you know someone like this, so deeply traumatized never to return to the normal happy person as they were born to become.

Rather than allow this to happen to yourself, you are going to learn about your pieces. As you put yourself back together you will see them for the creation they hold; the strength, the wit, the intellect, and the possibilities. As you learn, you are able to see what you do like and what you don’t like. You have a choice to put down and redo the pieces. Shave off a bit here and remold those parts you don’t like. Those pieces that contain the shame, the blame, the stains of your past; these are not who you are, they are the actions from those around you.

 This darkness and stain is not where you are anymore, so those shadows do not have to show any longer.

know where you are

It’s truly magical when you find the piece that is your voice!!! You hold it close, appreciate its value, know its strength, and be proud that you can finally let out the madness, you can stand up and say ‘No, I don’t like this’.

In a sense, you should be extra proud of this ability. You’ve been living as an object all these years, now you are just learning what some have known all their lives. We see them around us and their world seems so wonderful, but it is your perception. You never know what another person holds inside, what they’ve endured or what they battle down each day before they leave the house.

One day you wake up and this pounding Maddening Silence is everywhere. It seems to be louder, although no one else seem to hear it. They wonder what is troubling you,

‘What’s wrong with them? Why does that bother them? It’s only sex, even though it is her father? Why is she all upset and going crazy?’ 

You hear yourself screaming. You know it’s the truth and finally you can speak it. You have found the path to taking care of you. This is the beginning steps and you decide what happens next. It is possible to live safely; trust your own actions, choices; see your true beauty inside.          

spinthepastaway

‘It’s blossoming like a gorgeous butterfly, learning to spread it’s wings and soar into possibilities.’ 

It’s possible to see a future and more importantly you learn to believe in that future. ‘You are human, you are alive!!

You deserve kindness
You deserve respect
You deserve to be safe
Your deserve to be happy

As your life builds and your dreams begin to become your reality, the more confident you become. Those around you will see that strength shine inside you. Your career and relationships, the partners you choose will be safe. We have to learn the true beauties of who we are without all the ugliness because we are not in the ugliness or the maddening silence any longer. We can speak and be heard; hell some may even respect what you say.

If you’re really blessed; you are safe, found your voice, learned what you don’t want, and accepted the things you can’t change.

Life is never fair, some of us get hurt, some of us die; but some of us heal – become strong and have someone who loves us despite what has happened.

They see our wounds, the scars, the dysfunction; but you are glorious and have the world waiting to see you. One baby step forward each day, one learned acceptance of all that you are, the true beauty of your soul, the spirit you were born with comes out to play and suddenly you are truly beginning to live.

See your beauty, be amazed by your strength, absorb your wounds, build and chase your dreams.

true beauty1 

Be all that you were born to become. Your soul is still there. All the magic you hold is waiting to be opened. Shine on!!

©Patricia A. McKnight rainbow butterfly dreams

All artwork courtesy of: Michal Madison Art

Advocate/Watercolor Artist; http://www.michalmadisonart.com

Founder/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery/2013/02/21/survivors-world-w-trish-michal

Author: ‘My Justice’

Amazon, Barne’s & Noble, Authorhouse, Lulu

Paperback/Ebook/Kindle & Nook

Survivors World Online Support Group – Private by membership resquest only when visiting the website.

Bookcvr1

The Maddening Silence!!

When you come from a battered past, whether it be emotional, physical, sexual or even a neglectful pattern of generational abuse/family or relationship violence; we are trained, as anyone would be, to behave in certain manners.

These teachings can reflect in many ways throughout our life.

 
Patterns & Beliefs Of Victims:
    

1) We don’t see any personal value

2) We often see ourselves as objects

3) We don’t have any feeling or acknowledge any pain

4) There is no good example of what love or life is really like

5) You do everything to accommodate others (i.e……having sex – its just sex so give it up when they want it, right? Isn’t that your purpose in life to be an object without feeling or deserving of tenderness, consideration?)

m1    stained1

However, because you are living in these patterns of abusive behaviors, which shut you off in every possible manner; you are unable to see your feelings. As you grow into life and relationships, education, career; you present this to others around you. Unfortunately this often opens the door to another abuser. It seems they can pick you out in a heartbeat and know exactly what to do to lure you into their world. Throughout your journey in the ‘norm’ of life, you simply follow the lead of others.

“Maybe you’ve experienced those relationships where you are so terrified of being attacked that you actually breath in motion so you don’t disrupt your attacker.”

After living in these generationally trained actions for five, ten, (thirty or more years for those more traumatic cases); you tend to walk through life like a cloud is all around you.

“You’re in a heavy cloud of fog and can’t see see to steer the car. You try and try to make the right choices. There are times when you really think it’s all over and it’s going to work out, then you get a little way into positive and suddenly you crash. However, when you look around there’s nothing to grab hold of to help you through, but all you can do is keep moving onward.

Simply put, ‘ The world keeps spinning and you have to keep moving with it. Life comes in responsibility, financial independence, family, children, and you have to take care of all of it, that’s your nature.”

Remember every human action, every human perception, every human response is absorbed; it’s built into us because of the actions to us and around us. Also, every human has a different spirit and each spirit has its own level of tolerance. Each will be traumatized in their own separate way and no one can say how deeply an action did or did not hurt you. No one but you knows the depth of your wounds.

You get to a point where you just want to stand up and scream; I’m a human being! I’m Alive! Listen to me please! He hurt me, help me…” You want to scream so loudly, so fiercely and for so very long that others cannot help but to hear you. For whatever reason though, whether its because you are terrified/traumatized or have simply shut down inside; you just can’t seem to make any noise. Hell, many of us cannot even mouth the words I’ve been raped and beaten.” Then one day, although it may take years or even decades before you can begin to see the pattern of acceptance you’re living inside, it begins to attack in all different directions.

monster appears

If your abuser was your parent and then you become parents, you may even be prone to doing some of those very same acts against other kids or your own kids. These may be physical, or perhaps emotional outbursts they don’t understand or deserve. You’re screaming because of the reflection of yourself and your childhood you now see in them. This sets off a huge trigger and in being humans, having been traumatized in our own separate way; we then respond very differently. There are many abusers who have been victims. There are resources of help for parents who were once victims, one such resource is; Fighters Against Child Abuse.

Remember when you react to children, even a simple, ‘Your stupid’, will stay in their head forever. They will always remember those words, regardless of how hard they try to erase them.

Some of us may turn our head even when our gut tells us something different. Perhaps you are, in a habit or trained manner, and allowing the same Maddening Silence, which once blocked your voice, to continue; unfortunately, this is simply our human genetics.

It is what it is and we’ve been abusing our kids for centuries, probably going back to the creation of mankind.

The silence is all around us, it’s bearing down on us like this huge burden. It’s stained with shame and guilt, and it’s darkened with abandonment and blame.

why

You’re brain, in functioning like that of anyone else, being in its normality; follows what you’ve been taught. You get confused when you see the reality of your world. Then it suddenly hits you that you’ve been living in your entire life in this ‘Maddening Silence’. Your emotions aren’t normal, life is falling apart around you. No matter how hard you try you still can’t scream, you can’t get out;

you’re a shattering China Doll.

m2

You walk through life trying to keep the pieces together. When something falls off or gets broken; just get out the glue and keep going. As my friend, Michal Madison so eloquently stated, ‘There isn’t time to slow down and mend the pieces, so just put them in your pocket and go.” One day all the glue disintegrates. Your pieces are all over the place. You can’t pick them up and glue them back together fast enough.

Then as you are on your knees, weeping and begging for it to be over, you suddenly hear something inside of you, it’s like a little scratchy laryngitis voice, but it’s there. You’re completely drawn to what’s going on around you, in a sense you have been letting things happen.

In all practical purposes you’re an adult and the decisions and choices are yours to make. You have to own them, own what the rebound effect of these decisions has been, then get up and make those changes to create something better.

If you’re still a minor then you’ve been going through it long enough and it’s time to break free! You don’t deserve what’s happening to you. Your strength for enduring should be noticed and seen as a great quality. Please give yourself a hug. Forgive what you have done and what you have allowed to go on. Look around where you are right now. See an island in front of you. Take a step and then jump into a new path of life, a new chance at just being you. This happens when you hear that voice and you decide to just start talking.

At first you may say it to yourself, ‘I’m done, and never again will they hurt me. Never will I be raped and beaten again, disrespected and degraded; no I will not do it anymore.’

You have to feel that explosion of madness screaming out,

‘If I don’t change things I’m going to die!!’

no

Now you may not die in a physical sense, but you will die emotionally. Your spirit will slowly disintegrate as you live trapped inside the maddening silence. Unfortunately there are many that break apart and never come back to us. Perhaps you may know someone who’s taken their lives, because they believed they couldn’t change things or they couldn’t escape.

You may know someone who’s died emotionally or the pieces have all fallen apart and they don’t have the strength to put them back together any longer. Tragically they can’t find away to escape the nightmare so they live in a separate world completely. How sad when you know someone like this, so deeply traumatized never to return to the normal happy person as they were born to become.

Rather than allow this to happen to yourself, you are going to learn about your pieces. As you put yourself back together you will see them for the creation they hold; the strength, the wit, the intellect, and the possibilities. As you learn, you are able to see what you do like and what you don’t like. You have a choice to put down and redo the pieces. Shave off a bit here and remold those parts you don’t like. Those pieces that contain the shame, the blame, the stains of your past; these are not who you are, they are the actions from those around you.

 This darkness and stain is not where you are anymore, so those shadows do not have to show any longer.

know where you are

It’s truly magical when you find the piece that is your voice!!! You hold it close, appreciate its value, know its strength, and be proud that you can finally let out the madness, you can stand up and say ‘No, I don’t like this’.

In a sense, you should be extra proud of this ability. You’ve been living as an object all these years, now you are just learning what some have known all their lives. We see them around us and their world seems so wonderful, but it is your perception. You never know what another person holds inside, what they’ve endured or what they battle down each day before they leave the house.

One day you wake up and this pounding Maddening Silence is everywhere. It seems to be louder, although no one else seem to hear it. They wonder what is troubling you,

‘What’s wrong with them? Why does that bother them? It’s only sex, even though it is her father? Why is she all upset and going crazy?’ 

You hear yourself screaming. You know it’s the truth and finally you can speak it. You have found the path to taking care of you. This is the beginning steps and you decide what happens next. It is possible to live safely; trust your own actions, choices; see your true beauty inside.          

spinthepastaway

‘It’s blossoming like a gorgeous butterfly, learning to spread it’s wings and soar into possibilities.’ 

It’s possible to see a future and more importantly you learn to believe in that future. ‘You are human, you are alive!!

You deserve kindness
You deserve respect
You deserve to be safe
Your deserve to be happy

As your life builds and your dreams begin to become your reality, the more confident you become. Those around you will see that strength shine inside you. Your career and relationships, the partners you choose will be safe. We have to learn the true beauties of who we are without all the ugliness because we are not in the ugliness or the maddening silence any longer. We can speak and be heard; hell some may even respect what you say.

If you’re really blessed; you are safe, found your voice, learned what you don’t want, and accepted the things you can’t change.

Life is never fair, some of us get hurt, some of us die; but some of us heal – become strong and have someone who loves us despite what has happened.

They see our wounds, the scars, the dysfunction; but you are glorious and have the world waiting to see you. One baby step forward each day, one learned acceptance of all that you are, the true beauty of your soul, the spirit you were born with comes out to play and suddenly you are truly beginning to live.

See your beauty, be amazed by your strength, absorb your wounds, build and chase your dreams.

true beauty1 

Be all that you were born to become. Your soul is still there. All the magic you hold is waiting to be opened. Shine on!!

©Patricia A. McKnight rainbow butterfly dreams            mj-2

All artwork courtesy of: Michal Madison Art

Advocate/Watercolor Artist; http://www.michalmadisonart.com

Founder/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery/2013/02/21/survivors-world-w-trish-michal

Author: ‘My Justice’

Amazon, Barne’s & Noble, Authorhouse, Lulu

Paperback/Ebook/Kindle & Nook

Survivors World Online Support Group – Private by membership resquest only when visiting the website.

Bookcvr1

The distorted views, perceptions, value I passed forward……

Coming from my history where sexual activity, alcohol, drugs, and value was only felt through being desired by a man; I’ve done some pretty horrible things in my life.

“If someone wanted to have sex with me, then I was worthy of existence”

My only perceived value was in my sexuality as an object, not as a person. Needless to say, seeing my value only through my being wanted by a man flowed into my adult relationships and my example as a mother. The broken spirit of ugliness, overweight teen with scarred disfigured skin from not bathing; black broken fangs for teeth from never having a toothbrush or given the human kindness and decency for proper hygiene; the teen I was with all my distorted perceptions felt grateful for any man wanting to be with me or choosing me as their wife.

“I was well trained to be submissive; accepting their degradation, control, beatings and almost murderous actions because I was nothing without them.”

Carrie Underwood– ‘Blown Away’

This pattern of life was all I knew, it was who I was as a person. The training of all those childhood nightmares was such a huge part of me and controlled how I viewed my self worth; how I behaved and presented myself to others.

“The value of me was only in what others allowed me to feel.”

To say the least my behaviors and choices we all made with a broken and distorted thought process. These distorted views drove who I chose to have sex with, who I chose as my husband or boyfriends and how I allowed them to control my world.

Sadly it was those ‘bad’ choices and ‘bad’ behaviors that infected my children’s world. It is the greatest regret and guilt I still carry today. They grew up believing that the men in my life were more important and I’m sure my behaviors are what led them to believe this.

“How could they possibly believe they carried more value in my heart, if all of the men controlled my actions as a mother?”

Throughout my marriages and relationships I did everything to perfection to ensure the men were never disappointed. However, ensuring their satisfaction was done for reasons other than their importance to me. I ensured perfection in all details of my home in hopes to keep the man from exploding, which was my biggest and constant concern. I needed them to love me, but even more so I needed them not to harm me or my children. Thankfully I can say none of these men ever charged and attacked my children. However, hiding in the closet filled with terror because your mom is being slammed and beaten is nothing a child should ever know. My kids saw their mother’s crying battered body trying to console them and assure them it was nothing. “He was just drunk, just upset because of something I did or didn’t do, or listen as their stepfather beat me and raged because of something the kids had or hadn’t done, which I didn’t correct to the standards expected. Of course there were the times when he raged and beat me damning the kids, “How horrible they were and how I didn’t make them do this or that.” My kids absorbed this and perceived the beating and rage as their mother being battered because of their ‘BAD’ behavior.

“I accepted and tolerated this and then went to be sure this or that was never done again. What view did this give to the children? How could they possibly see themselves as being my most important concern?”

dvmm2                 dvmm3                  dvmm1

Artwork Created and Provided by the magnificent talent of Michal Madison

Advocate/Watercolor Artist/Talk Radio Host Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Radio   http://www.michalmadisonart.com

There were extremes of these nights of rage that resulted in a family round table meeting with me, my 11 year old son, my 9 year old daughter, and my 6 year old daughter. Sometimes these round table meeting even included their father, whom I would call to come join us and then in my distorted thinking that I was trying to get them safe; I would ask my children who they wanted to live with and ask them to make a decision to leave me and go back to a man that ruled with an iron fist, a slap, a dancing leather strap.

“My poor babies, how could they think their mother wasn’t choosing to send them away for being bad or not worthy or not important enough for me to take us all and run?”

Thankfully, this is exactly what I started working on after a doctor insisted on my getting help at the local psychiatric counseling center when he was treating me for some broken bones and stressed out nerves. During my first round of therapy I began to understand how the demons of my childhood trained me to be so controlled by the men in my life and believe that getting beaten was completely normal. My eyes started to open and my soul started falling apart. A new me was found and the strength started to grow inside. The belief in my personal value was born and I started trying to escap0e the insane relationship. Twenty years of my adult life was spent in this destructive, volatile environment of distorted through processes and choices; even worse my children had to live and grow in this mess, be influenced and forced to accept it as well.

Thankfully I finally found the courage, the belief, the determination to leave and get my children and I into our own SAFE environment. Yes there was still the need to be loved, to find love, to have someone want me for me and there would be more boyfriends to come and go, but we would have our home and I wasn’t tolerating anymore raging, abusive, controlling behaviors. No one would control what my child did or didn’t do, except of course for me.

“It wasn’t perfect but we were a family. We were safe in our own home, although it took a couple years to finally get there. We were close to each other, had dinner together quietly, happily with laughter and tears as we discussed their day each evening. It was our SAFE HAVEN!!”

Unfortunately there was already much damage done by the time this happened. My behavior to go out drinking once a week, dress up sexy and go seek out the ‘value’ I still had issues with in myself, influenced my children’s view of personal value and what was acceptable behavior. My daughter’s were the most impacted by these behaviors and how they grew to see their own value through their sexuality and needing to be wanted and loved, accepted by a man to be a complete and worthy person.

Everything that encompassed how I viewed my own value by needing to have someone want me or want to be with me, all of these distorted thought processes is exactly what has left the deepest impression on my children, especially my baby girls.

This is now the root of all I commit myself to working on each day. It is my drive to end the insanity of generational abuse and/or the acceptance of family/relationship violence. It is an even greater hope that I can give my children a new perception of their mother and, even more so, themselves. To leave this world knowing that I gave it my all to change what I had so deeply wounded in them and distorted in their perception of their own personal value is what keeps my heart pounding each day. Every soul of broken mess that I can touch through the website, the radio shows, my writings; those who carry the same distorted perceptions because of what happened and how we are trained as children to see our value and worth, to be submissive and accept the brutal actions of others – this is the belief and the generational cycle of soul destruction we can no longer allow.

For my children; Brett, Jessica, Miranda…….

I give you this ————

‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank © 2003 Island Def Jam Music Group–Official Video

Change what you can for your children before there is no second chance. I am grateful to have this chance and pray that I change what I have influenced in their lives today!!!

~~Love you always my babies~~

~~See your value in all that you hold within~~

Patricia A. McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’

Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

Founder: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

© All rights officially copyrighted and protected Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery 2012