An orphan in the middle of a family…..

Have you or do you feel like you are the only one alive that acknowledges you ever existed, or that you matter at all? Have you let go of toxic family and those who choose to speak against you as you tell the truth of your life? Do you feel the heavy isolation around you, especially during the holidays? Are you the one like me who, as an empty nester, have no friends from the past or family you connect with at all?

It was very sad as I helped my dear true love with the passing of his last living parent today. It brought up tons of emotions for me and I felt so selfish discussing them with him, but I couldn’t hold back the tears.

It was and is wonderful to see his friends from school and his younger days of fun and hanging out, all reach out to comfort him. It was such a tender moment to see all those that cared and were concerned of his wellbeing.

Then there is me……

You see the kids are all grown and moved away, on with their lives as kids become adults and follow the cycle of life. It’s all good to see them in their days of laughter with their family and having those moments of joy with their children. It is beautiful to watch it grow.

About four years ago I cut off the connection with my mother; the toxic parent of my past. I was the only child born between her and my father, but sadly when I was five and she married the devil; she allowed the monster to control and cut off any and all communication with my dad and his family. Not until I was eighteen and my grandfather passed, was I permitted to have letters or talk on the phone with any of them. It was an instant and complete dissection.

There was a brother I grew up with from her first marriage; she had left her other two boys with their dad when she ran off to marry his best friend, which was my dad. She took her youngest boy of the three, who was only six months old; married Dad and then had me. In the marriage with the devil, the two of them had a daughter. As the three of us all grew up in the alcoholic fueled dysfunction; the severe rage, violence, sexual attacks and neglect were all directly aimed at only me.  Not exactly sure of the why, but it is of no real concern I guess. I was the target of this madness and the others in my family knew, watched, heard, but they too were only children. Mother doesn’t count because she only saw me as her housekeeper, cook, babysitter, and caregiver; a replacement for when she didn’t feel like doing her duty as a parent or wife.

So not to confuse you, there were three boys my mother had, then me, then my younger sister. Dad remarried and he had three daughters and a son. I’ve only met the daughters once a very long time ago at Grandpa’s funeral. After the funeral however, I never heard from any of those relatives again. Thankfully I finally tracked down my dad and shared about four or five phone calls over the long years, until about I was about 38, then he was taken by cancer. However, no one bothered to search me down and let me know. It was as if I never existed. When I found an uncle about 10 years ago and he let me know Dad was gone, I spent the night curled up like a baby in bed crying like I had just seen him in the casket.

Now here I am, turning 50 next Friday, and I’m looking at my life; especially since publishing ‘My Justice’ and finally being able to speak the truth of all that happened. It is heartbreaking to see that my kids still deal with the emotional impact of living in the pattern of acceptance in my relationships. Believe me, if you don’t think your kids will be impacted by the violent attacks between you and your partner, the ongoing court and custody issues, the crying, yelling and begging for mercy; you need to then talk with an Adult Survivor of this type of family violence. You will clearly see and understand how it always passes forward to invade the next generation, even when you do all you can to keep it from them.

Don’t get me wrong the kids are not a total mess, but they are hurting in relationships and child rearing; this is clearly because of all they were forced to deal with and accept as normal in their world.

So moving on …….

It is hard to accept that I have all of these blood related siblings out in this world, a total of eight. There are some of whom I’ve reached out to and even directly emailed. All the blood cousins out there related on my dad’s side of the family, whom I’ve never met, but have also reached out to communicate; all of these blood relatives and NONE OF THEM WANT TO EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I’M ALIVE!!!

They don’t know me!! Many have never met me!! As much as I have tried reaching out through networking sites; still no one I’ve found has responded or shown any interest in getting acquainted!!!

It is extremely painful. Marjorie, my therapist, and I have been working on this for a while. We have come to the conclusion that even the abuse and neglect that I endured, the complete shunning from any relatives and family; it is all connected TO THE ORPHAN IN THE MIDDLE OF A FAMILY!!!

Of course, it is during the holidays when this bothers me the most. Now with the kids all out on their own, Robbie’s parents gone, knowing it is just he and I moving forward, as he is my Angel and Saving Grace; it is still so tearfully lonely.

It makes me long for some form of connection to my past existence; a friend, a relative, anyone who is willing to accept me as I am today, but be amazed because of what was then. It would be comforting to have a call from a friend or a message or card to say, “We know you and we also knew you then”

“Why do they all turn away? Why do they all act as if I’ve got the plague? Why do they act as if they’ve never heard of me? What did I ever do to be so completely shunned?”

It’s depressing to know I have all these blood siblings, but when God chooses to take me home; there will be no one there to connect with my children. No one related to me they can turn to. No one who will comfort their loss and be their friend; their connection to their Mom. My children are still paying the price for what others have done. This I cannot understand and it leaves my soul with a heavy  darkness.

“How can we, the children of the parents that once were, knowing what was and how it all got so screwed up; how is it my children will pay the heavy burden of complete doneness when that time comes?”

I know that many have walked away from toxic family; have you anyone from your past that acknowledges your existence? Do you feel that heavy isolation still encircling all that you are? How can we simply brush it away without ever feeling so completely abandoned?

As heartfelt and tender as it was to witness all Robbie’s friends reach out to comfort him, I was surrounded by the dark thoughts of NOTHINGNESS!!!

Nothing and no one who is blood or history related to be in my present existence. We build family from the virtual friends from across the world, but does it really ever replace that sense of loss. Unfortunately for me it is still a work in progress and acceptance. I am who I am! The strength I have comes from what was. The knowledge I’ve learned I share to help others. The pain I’ve carried is almost healed. The shattered soul is almost repaired. “How can I complete the puzzle and put the emotions in place without having anyone around that validates all that has been?”

My hope is one day I will get there. I am on the other side of all the tragedy, but this is something much deeper than all those years of violence, evil, and scarring neglect. This is my DNA, it is what makes my ‘Six Degrees of Separation’ from all of those who should be connected.

Should you feel this heavy darkness and complete abandonment by those related, build on what you have, enjoy the moments you can, connect with the life you have in the present, then let Creator and His wonder handle the rest. My best for the holidays and beyond to each and all of you!!!

Find comfort in your strength to endure 🙂

(c)Patricia A. McKnight

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Blogger/Radio Host/Survivor

‘My Justice’

Authorhouse.com/Amazon.com/BN.com/Lulu.com

http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

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Know that it is “OK” – Survivors in Strength & Love

This still gets me through the rough times 🙂

 

This blog is my rambling about the many emotions and fears I am left with after 32 years in abuse. The sexual abuse as a child and my mother’s neglect is what’s affected me the worst. This has left the deepest impact on my life. Each day I hope to share with you a look into these emotions & fears, but also the success & joys. Some of these you may find triggering so please read with care!!! Do not stress yourself, read at your own leisure, in baby steps!!!

As I was growing up in this house of insanity and rage, I don’t think that loneliness explains how I felt. When I remember what it was like for me, especially from ages 9 through 16, there is a knot that grows in the pit of my stomach and a tightness in my chest. I actually took a moment to look at the tatoo on my arm, take a breath, then continue.

As much as I’ve healed, grown, achieved and in the present safety of my life, I am still instantly overwhelmed. A sense of panic takes my breath away and for just a fleeting moment my muscles reactively tense up. Why is it that the simple thought of being around them; being in that home at the mercy of the one whom God put in charge of my world, this can instantly cause a reaction of intense fear?

I AM 49 YEARS OLD – WHEN DOES THIS STOP!!!

It has taken so much personal effort to get to where I am now. This includes my professional and personal growth. It is insane to think that her complete lack of caring can still make me so sad. My therapist relates my mother’s treatment of me in the following way;

“Your Mom did not see you as human, there for she did not consider that you required even the most basic of human needs.”

This truth still breaks my spirit, but I guess its good that I can come back to my reality. THE CRACK IS THERE BUT I DON’T FALL IN ALL THE WAY ANYMORE!!!

As I grew up in her abandonment, I was isolated. There was only responsibility and control in my world. His disgusting acts of molestation, that would grow to such an intense evil; one night changed my world forever. He is the reason that I instantly become terrified, but it was the disregard of my decaying body that left me feeling so isolated.

All my life was filled with caring for others; waiting for someone to acknowledge and care for me. I kept waiting and praying for MY FATHER to come and rescue me, but not he or anyone from his family would find me til I was 19 yrs. old. This is the depth of isolation that causes me to still be swept away by the emotions.

Then I think of the hundreds of survivors that share this sense of isolation. We feel stained and different from others, but when you think of our numbers and the voices that are gathering there is a comfort. No matter how lonely I feel I can think of all the others like me and know that I have a new family building around me. All of us knowing the other is there for the desperate times.

Today there is so much to be happy about. I’ve built my family with my children, with the one true love that has rescued my soul, with the wonderful friends that have allowed me into their world without question; now with the hundreds of survivors who have been brave enough to connect with me. It’s an amazing new feeling for me. I don’t feel alone in this world any longer.

Today there is a sense of strength. I’ve connected with some really amazing people and honored to have some powerful voices at my side. This is the happy life that I was meant to have. It is finally here. I am safe & loved. This is a new beginning and I am so excited about where it will lead.

Be comforted if you are one of this family. Know that it is “OK” to get swept away in our past at times, but then pull your focus back to the present and remember those around you. It can be almost impossible to believe that these feelings and fears will ever go away. It seems they come back to distract and haunt us. I pray that you can feel at ease during these moments, take a breath, feel the safety around you in our new growing family!!!

Survivors in Strength & Love

Standing, Speaking, Circling to Protect

Thank you for releaving that sense of loneliness in my world!!!

(c)Author/Advocate/Speaker/Survivor: Patricia A. McKnight

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62