The wounds you can’t see…..

There are many different truths of being a survivor of trauma that I’ve shared in the past two years. Almost everyday I try to share something positive to empower others like myself, to inspire hope for a new awakening to the truths of the damage inflicted by the acts and the darkest of mankind’s evil actions against another.

As many of you are aware also, I spent not only twelve years enduring the vicious attacks, both physical and sexual, from my stepfather; the endless rejection from my family, but also twenty years of repeated physical attacks from FIVE separate men. This isn’t to say that only men are the attackers, it’s just what I went through. (There are thousands of women who are very aggressive and who need the power over others).

So now I look at where I am today. I always talk about living in your present. For most survivors, this means we have to TAKE CONTROL OF OUR THOUGHTS. We have to concentrate and keep them from getting sucked into the past. I, and many like me, deal with this every moment of every day!!! Try it for awhile, it’s not an easy task and it takes time to become good at focusing your energy on staying in the positive. It’s difficult enough for anyone in today’s world, but for someone who has gone through years of brutal trauma; it’s truly much more difficult. Not something I would wish on any other being.

How do I see myself right now?

1) My life is in a very safe place.

2) It is well supported (for the most part anyway). I really don’t have family or friends from my past that are with me now. There are a few who have come from my hometown of Freeburg, a few who I went to school with and their parents know mine. It is not their fault of what happened to me. Its not their fault they didn’t say something or question. They were kids like me and it was a different time in our world. Kids didn’t speak against parents and no one talked about abuse or violence in the home. Sadly this is why we have so many of us who are survivors now. The cruelty of our parents came from the cruelty and discipline of their parents. We live what we know and patterns of acceptable behavior are formed. However, there were many adults who had both a responsibility to question and the authority to help rescue. For today though my friends both who have come into my life through Robbie, and those I have made in the virtual world of social networking; these are the people that stand by me now and accept all I am today. This is huge for me. Never before have I felt like I didn’t have to hide from anyone or hide the truth of who I am and what happened. This is my empowerment and the strand of hope that guides me through.

3) My physical health is a wreck; multiples of vertebral and spinal cord traumas. I suffer from Syringomyelia, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Obstructive Pulmanary Disease, the early stages of Atherosclerosis, Neuropathy in my hands and feet from the spinal cord damage, which caused severe burning, stinging, numbness in my fingers and toes and heels. I’m not wheelchair bound, but not far from it sometimes. There are instant migraines that can hit by simply turning my head to quick to look at something. There are many days that it’s difficult to even climb out of bed.

4) My mental health is a constant work in progress. Do I feel good about where I am today? Yes, but there are still the lasting effects from the attacks. I go through cycles of depression. Most days are pretty good, but then one morning I wake up and all I want to do is sleep it away. I get startled very easily. It freaks me out when my dog pants heavy. These days I don’t feel the need any longer to lock the bathroom door, at least most times when showering, but I still get sudden sensations of my stepfather sneaking outside the shower curtain. When I run a tub of water, I am reminded of having my head shoved under and the attempted (almost completed) drowning at 19. This happened a lot with the first of my chosen men. There are moments and memories of all the attacks that stay with me.

5) The relationships with my children are strained at best. Things happened that placed them in danger, by choices of both their father when he ran with them and me with my different abusive husband/boyfriends. Their stepfather was in my life for either years and only the first six months were pretty. There was one that struck my teen daughter and I ended up in jail for punching him in the face. There was another that threw my daughter into a closet door as he tossed her away when she was trying to defend me. There were constant days of walking on eggshells for them and worrying about if they were too loud, left their toys out, if they stomped around too much upstairs. They had dinners of waiting for the explosion or waiting for the drunk to come through the door. It was horrible for them, how can I expect us to have a healthy relationship? How can I expect them to have healthy relationships and view their life without memories, flashbacks, triggers, repeated patterns of behavior and more?

So why do I give so much of myself to staying in a positive light? I know that with my health, I’ll be lucky to have another FIVE good years. I know this reality and Robbie does as well. It’s alright, I don’t worry about the day of dying; I worry about what happens after I’m gone. Have I given all I can to try to help others learn the importance of being decent, helping to rescue and support those who live with this trauma? Is publishing my story and being an advocate with true passion enough to tell my children how sorry I am for all they had to go through? Will I really be able to build something from all of the bad that’s happened so that I can provide some type of change for the future? All the years of pain have to mean something, it cannot be just because that’s what happened. It cannot be that a soul can be so destroyed and controlled by so many different offenders and live for over THIRTY years accepting these attacks; believing that you deserved each and every single one, this cannot be my only existence in this world.

Moving into 2013 I have shared the new website, http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com I have also shared our radio show will be starting NEXT FRIDAY!!! On Jan 04, 2013 – I will be broadcasting our first show and the other hosts will be calling in to announce their programs. I’m really excited about bringing all of this to one focal point. The website, the Survivors World support group, Generation No More, it’s all coming together and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve spent the greater part of the past two years trying to decide how I really wanted to help. This provides all I was aiming at doing before the Good Lord takes me away.

Staying positive for me is absolutely necessary!!! I cannot maintain any other way. There is too much pain and dark memories that climb into my world as it is, there are too many moments of my wanted happy life that have been disrupted already. I can’t let the numerous abusers of my past take away what’s left of my life. I will not allow myself to wallow in what has been, but instead my drive and my focus is aimed at what I can try to change. In my heart and in my soul I believe there are thousands of women just like me; beaten down from a brutal life of accepting so many violent attacks. There are some still living in these types of relationships, there are others who are still living in the silent pain of what’s happened. There are millions of men who are also finally finding out it’s alright to say, ‘I Hurt’!!! We do hurt, and it sucks, but do not give in and let them win. Please take back the happy moments you deserve in this life. You are not born to be a target of others. You are not given life just so others can destroy it. Every living being has a purpose on this earth. There is life inside every heartbeat. How can we pretend that all of this means nothing?

Hopefully all of you who read this will find one strand of hope written within these truths. It’s not easy to be us, it sucks to be one who was so wrongfully abused and had an entire lifetime taken from them. How can we not try to seek out that star of ours? How can we allow someone to endure this dark pain alone? Friends, there is no other option but to keep moving forward and continue putting forth the effort to live happy!!!

May your new beginning that comes with the spirit of the New Year, 2013; be one that you grab onto and live it for all its worth. May you know unconditional love and feel the friendship of those who see your inside self and still accept who you are. May you build dreams and chase them, create them, design them, and allow them spirit to fly. I’ve given my project the name Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery because I want to help others climb out of the cocoon of their past, no matter what that past has attached. If you are unhappy in life, there is only one person who can change what is. Spread your beautiful wings and become all that you were born to be. Find the you that lives inside and wants to now have their turn. We can all find reasons and excuses why we don’t chase after better happier ways, but it shows great courage to climb out from under all the sadness and pain; picking up the puzzle pieces of your life and building, recreating, the beautiful spirit within.

Here’s to giving hope and love to your dreams come true!!! May you walk proud and with glory for all you’ve overcome.

Be magical, Be you Smile

© Patricia A. McKnight

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Radio Host/Survivor

Fndr/Pres: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

My Justice’ – This is not about any legal form of justice ever received or charged in my story. The justice is in finally finding my voice and the courage to talk about all that’s happened; the impact it left on me; the cycle that moved forward to my children.

May you find peace and justice in speaking about your truth!!!

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Three Coping Skills Everyone Can Use–becoming your own thriver!!!

We all have something that has happened to darken our world, even those who are just regular folks and have never experienced any form of abuse or violence, still have something that has invaded their life with a cloud of bad memories. It’s really hard to focus on our present life when we have all of these dark thoughts around us; even sharing online with others and staying in the advocacy mission can keep these memories bouncing around and often they will overpower what is good.

It is painful to acknowledge what happened. To accept the pain and anger, the grieving and sadness is important to fully heal and process what has been buried for so long, but at the same time we have to remain conscious of our present day life in order to find the strength to get through this. I really find it is hardest during the beginning process of this because you have to accept the truth and come out of your dissociation and denial mode of living. There is a lot I’ve learned about living in my present life rather than being sucked into the horrible times of my past. There are many times during the days of being home alone with just my thoughts, when I find myself facing these memories. It’s during all these quiet moments of being alone that I have to work hardest at a practice I’ve been doing for about 12 years, DISTRACTING MY BRAIN FROM THE BAD!!!

The truth is WE CANNOT TAKE AWAY WHAT’S HAPPENED and sometimes it is very difficult to accept; even more so when family and loved ones shut us out, blame us, abandon us and turn away from the pain we carry. We feel as if we are in a cyclone of whirling emotions and don’t know how to stay grounded. It is indeed a tragedy of what’s been taken from you, what’s been lost in your world and the good others invaded. However, the hard part is realizing the world keeps spinning and you must find a way to go on with your life.

Finding ways to GO ON with life, doesn’t mean living in denial nor does it mean you are ignoring what’s happened; it means  YOU ARE NOW IN CONTROL OF WHAT HAPPENS!!! Yes, you have choices and you are in control of how this effects your life.

1) You can whine and wallow in the horrible trauma you’ve suffered and stay in the rut of darkness. However if you choose this place you must realize the world will not stop spinning and others will go on with their life; no one will stay in the dark world and you will find yourself sinking deeper each day.

2) You also may think you have the option to take yourself out of the picture because it is too hard to deal with, but let me assure you; THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!!! If you respond to your pain and allow it to control your world, then you may think the only way to beat this is by harming yourself in some way. YOU MUST NOT ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS!!! Suicide or committing an act of harm in any way is NEVER AN OPTION!!! You leave behind pain for those who love you; your children, their future, your spouse or partner; these are the people who want to be part of your life and want to make fresh happy memories with you, which will ease the pain of your past when you allow them to blossom!!!

(National Suicide Prevention Lifeline; when you need immediate contact with a voice!!! Please Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Do not allow the abusers of your past to have control over your future. Build something better for yourself. Chase the life you were meant to have and replace those bad thoughts with positive, happy, loving memories of your children or what you want to have in your life. No matter how difficult it may get, and it is very difficult at the different stages of acceptance and healing, but never allow yourself to be over powered by these dark memories. Never give in to the thoughts of being overwhelmed, reach out to connect with anyone when these thoughts begin to take control. You may not believe there are people who depend on you to make them complete and happy, but every soul in this world has at least one person who needs them and loves them unconditionally.

There is a lot we fear; a lot we are angry about; a lot of things can set off a feeling of panic, this is now just a part of who we are. No one can erase or change what has happened. Believe me I wish there was a way to make it all just disappear, but there isn’t. None of us can turn back the clock and what would you do if you could? You would still be that same person faced with the same fear, so why be stuck in that time?

It’s important for anyone who struggles with depression, PTSD, flashbacks, or bad dreams and memories to seek out what is good in their life now. A few important things to focus on, which may help you fight through:

1) Are you in a safe environment? Remembering that you are now safe and no longer have to fear another attack is vital. Although you may be dealing with painful memories or flashbacks of what happened, you can always direct your focus and control your thoughts to feel the area of safety around you now.

2) Who are those you can turn to when things feel overwhelming? Creating this list, complete with phone numbers, will give you a quick go to list of someone who can brighten your moment during your time of need. When you build this list take extra time to think of your partner/spouse; determine if you can talk to them about your darkest thoughts. You want to talk and help them understand why you bounce back and forth between happy and depressed times. It makes it easier for them to stick it out and support you or help you through.

3) What are the positives in your life now? You want to think about your life and where you are now. Not only are you safe and loved, but what about your ability to keep food, clothing, shelter, for you and your family. Our world is in economic crisis right now, so if you can manage those three vital parts of surviving you are doing much better than some others in our country. Many are without housing, hungry, out on the streets or living in their cars. Many do not have jobs of any form to keep a steady flow of income to ensure the necessities are being maintained. This is a HUGE POSITIVE for you and should be your main focus, especially if you have children. Also list any other positives about your life right now, such as; your professional success or the fact you have risen above any other person’s expectations. This meaning, you may have been beaten down to believe you had no value, but if you are in a career or professional status of maintaining your survival; then you have risen above what others may have tried to take away from you.

I realize this time of year is difficult for many of you, but if you are not focused on what is good around you now, then your bad thoughts will win control and the depression will become heavy. You must work at being a thriver in society, but that’s OK because everyone has to work at being a thriver. You are no different than anyone else in our society. Sure you have had bad things happen, or have family who continues to be offensive or battering to you, but if you really take control of your thoughts and where you are right now, then you become stronger with each passing moment and you will build your foundation for the life you want to achieve.

My wish for all of you at this time is that you see how truly strong you are. I wish for you to look in the mirror and see an amazing person standing there. A person who has climbed out of the darkest hole to see the brightness shining around them. A person who is stronger than anyone ever believed possible. A person who has overcome the challenges against them and have pulled themselves from the ashes of destruction and built a magnificent blossoming rose in its place. May you find a breath of strength to seek your own life and see your value, absorb the positive around you, and build fresh happy memories to replace the darkness of your past.

May you break out of your cocoon and spread those beautiful wings to fly upward to your new beginning!!!

Patricia A. McKnight

Author: ‘My Justice’

Founder/President: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

Join me in Survivors World by visiting the website above and completing the membership form. Both men and women who are victims/survivors are welcomed.

© copyrighted All information shared on blogs by Patricia A. McKnight, under the titles of Survivors Justice or Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery are held under copyright protections. Please respect the efforts to bring you this information and all that’s produced to help you succeed.

Thank you

What to expect on Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Radio!!

Announcing our broadcast shows & how you can get involved or support our programming!!!

Friends, Followers, Tweeters, Bookies & All……rainbow butterfly dreams

It is very exciting to share we are moving forward and will be sharing our first broadcast on blog talk radio with you-

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Radio

Jan 04, 2013 at 8 pm c.s.t.

Don’t worry I’ll be putting out the official link and invitation to our first broadcast. This blog is to let you know where we intend to go with the shows, who we are looking for to join us and more.

First off, to let you know we are looking for some other hosts who would like to take a night or two of broadcasting with us and share a specific show with our listeners. If you are interested in becoming a host, have a special show idea you’d like to bring to our programming; please contact me by emailing: butterflydreamsabuserecovery@gmail.com

It would be wonderful to have at least one male host and another female host join the team. Our programming is aimed at discussing all things related to family or relationship violence and/or abuse!!! We want to discuss mental health impacts, costs to our country to aide in the rebuilding and recovery process, coping skills to help you get through those bad days, education/prevention/awareness for our homes and communities.

We will also be discussing some items already initiated on the website:

1) Generation No More – Who are we and what do we hope to do?

Generation No More is a group we are building to speak publicly against all forms of abuse/violence against those we should love & protect; aiming at the crimes existing within the walls of our homes meant to protect us. Our country is coming a long way at a new awakening to the abuse/violence issues. Our media is getting more involved with sharing these reports and friends, neighbors and family are making the calls for help and rescue!!! We really want to keep this positive activity going and allow it to grow across the nation. We need to encourage everyone to get involved with this and let folks know;

‘If we see or hear an act of abuse or violence we will make a call to get help for anyone impacted or to rescue those within the home or where we see/hear these crimes committed.’

There are many who are now parents & grandparents; unfortunately, most of us know what it is like to have a parent sexually touching, raping, or using you for trafficking or other entertainment purposes. There are even more of us who know the pain our parents can inflict on us and then dismiss it by calling it ‘Corrective Parenting’. Those of us who experienced this manner of treatment know there is a huge difference between this type of brutal discipline and corrective parenting.

We also need to keep our voices reporting the violence from our partners, recording it and keeping record of the acts against us or those committed against our sons, daughters, neighbors, friends and co-workers. This is about never ignoring the signs of bruising or any intimidation that seems to be occurring. There are millions of, MOSTLY WOMEN, who know that horrible fear of being held against the wall by our throats, naked at 2am, because the husband/boyfriend came home drunk. Then to make it worse they pull a gun out and force it in your mouth or hold it to your head. Trust me, this happens during the nights of silence throughout many homes around our country. It happens to ONE in FOUR women and other forms of relationship violence happen to approximately ONE in EIGHT men – of course we can only go by the existing reports on file.

Reporting all acts of these crimes will provide better information for statistics, which then provides better information for economic impact, funding resources, education and mental health of our survivors.

Remember; these acts are cruel, terrifying; they change who the person is inside, especially if it is a child. Remember when you are with your friends the fact that at least 93% of ALL CHILD ABUSE occurs within the home of the child and by the parent or guardian of that child!!! As you look at your front door and you see the homes around you, keep in mind – ONE in FOUR homes are dealing with some for of abuse or family violence!!!

Generation No More is about no longer ignoring the truth of these actions and breaking the cycle of dysfunction and cruelty, which almost always passes forward to impact the lives of YOUR children and then to grandchildren. Why? Because it is a generational pattern of accepting these acts as normal; not seeing the destructive trained behaviors it creates in the victims and the lifelong mental health aspects victims are left to struggle through.

2) We will be bringing Survivors World to the broadcast. Many of you have probably heard me discussing the online support group I started back in Jan 2011. There is still the Facebook ‘secret’ group for women victims and survivors. However; I have also added ‘Survivors World’ to the website. The website group is open to both MEN AND WOMEN who have either been victims of child abuse and/or family/intimate partner violence, have a loved one who has been a victim, or perhaps you are trying to figure out ways to escape a bad situation. The group is about sharing information, building friendships with others like ourself, providing positive support, building goals and coping skills together; helping another soul figure out the best way to make it through and rebuild for their happiness.

You can join the online group by submitting the membership request form on the homepage of http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

The broadcast group will be OPEN PHONES for anyone to call in and discuss a specific issue of your experience or ask for a resource of help to escape an abusive relationship. I WILL NOT BE SHARING NAMES ON THE AIR!! Whether you share your true identity or not is strictly up to you, but I will never ask you to release any of your personal information on the air!!!

I hope you will feel at ease, whether male or female, to join us for the online group and the on-air broadcast of ‘Survivors World’

(If you are a women and are interested in joining the ‘secret’ Facebook group, please message me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

If you have taken a few moments to view the pages of our new website; you may have noticed the ‘Resouces’ page. This page holds about 20 references of help and support. Mental Health support with foundations and survivors. Recovery through connecting with Authors and Survivors who are helping others through blogs or groups. There is Creative Arts Healing Oraganizations and Survivors. We want to give you not only information to educate you about Child Abuse, Relationship Violence, Parental Abduction & Human Trafficking; we want you to have multiple resources of organizations, foundations, survivors, authors, bloggers and more to help you get through and understand there is life after abuse.

Your happiness is waiting for you to reach out and grab it and all of us deserve to have safety within our homes!!!

What I am also asking is; if you have a local or state resource in your area that you would like to share for others…..please go to the FORUM DISCUSSION on the Generation No More page and leave the listing on the discussion started by me in the ‘News’ topics!!! We want to share resources around the globe and list all links of help to encourage awareness, provide rescue, empower our parents with the ability to help their children and themselves get through the aftermath of abuse/violence.

You can also email me your local/state/global resource by sending it to butterflydreamsabuserecovery@gmail.com

**Special Note** The Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Talk Radio is looking for supporters to help us share a premium broadcast for everyone. You can be a supporter for one month of programming or a year’s worth. In return for the support/donations to help our premium broadcasting; we will give you a prerecorded commercial and share it during our broadcasts. We will also announce your organization, promote it throughout the month; help you advertise for that month with special interviews and announcements!!! 

If you are interested in becoming a supporter for the talk radio programming and want to find out more about the advertising benefits for you or your organization, please email to tricia.mcknight@hotmail.com

I really do look forward to joining back in on the talk radio programming. I’ve truly missed connecting in voice with all of you amazing listeners. You each have a very special story to be respected and recognized for all you’ve endured. You each have a very special voice that deserves to be heard. We all need to help others by being that extended arm to hug them, support them, guide them, and most of all cheer them on!!

Here’s to the very exciting New Year 2013 and how we can change the generational behaviors of mankind to encourage a brighter, safer world for our children and grandchildren.

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and to share any of it’s information with others. It truly all makes a difference and we need to make a very big difference in the world to come!!!

Sincerely,

Patricia A. McKnight

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Blogger/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

Founder/President – Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Founder/Mngr – Survivors World Support Group Online

Creator – Generation No More

Author: ‘My Justice’

Contact Information;

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

tricia.mcknight@hotmail.com

butterflydreamsabuserecovery@gmail.com

survivorsworld2013@gmail.com

Available for Speaking/Writing/Interviews ……                       41 vspIdtUL__BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-62,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_

 

Surviving, living, believing, achieving; Healing from Abuse!!

Posted Nov. 13,2012

via Michal Madison

It was another restless night of haunting memories and emotions!!

Its been awhile since I’ve posted a blog, but there are some things that are rushing around in my head this morning, actually they’ve been swimming around in there since yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday, as I was online building the information on the new website, a phone call comes into my cell about 2pm; it’s a programmed number which should have still been blocked, so not sure the how or why she was able to get through. The name popped up and there it was, THE WITCH – THE MOTHER!!

Now I’ve posted before about letting go of the toxic people who are supposed to be family and support us, but I know this is a very difficult process, especially when it’s our parent. Mother is the only parent I’ve ever actually known. She left Dad when I was three and at five I was kept from the family who would have protected me and did not see any of them again until I was eighteen and at my grandfather’s funeral. The one that clung to me that day is the last one who had hugged me good-bye so very long ago. Miss You Grandma!!!

About five years ago now I finally got brave enough to say the words I’d never spoken to Mother before, F**k you as I marched out her front door and never looked back. How dare she blame me for all that had happened!! How dare she first admit what she allowed him to do, what she knew he was doing, and the many bruises she saw from the aftermath of his attacks; then blame the child that endured them!!!

I decided that last day I would never speak with her again.

About four years ago I went public with my own true horror story of the atrocities against me; the community that watched a child rot away in a house of evil; and how it all trained me to believe there would be nothing different in my life. Their ignorance of these abuses left me believing no one cared enough to help me and there was no value in my existence. I must say I was wrong about that last part. God and Creator have guided me and protected me, have brought me to where I am today; a life filled with respect, kindness, patience, love, happiness, FREEDOM!!

Each voicemail was not a request for forgiveness, but rather saying, “I am willing to forget all that you said and forgive you!!!” She has some nerve, telling me she forgives me; forgives me for what??? What exactly was it that her 5 year old daughter did to deserve the next twelve years of molestation, beatings, sadistic rape by a shotgun barrel, or the trafficking out for sick pleasure and beer money; what did this child do that Mother should forgive???

It angers me that her voice can still set me off into a whirlwind. Simply seeing her name pop up on my cell caused an instant shock and downward spiral on my day.

Her voicemails started off asking me to call and resolve the issues about publishing ‘My Justice’. Two of them ended with her crying and asking why I would do such a thing. Two others ended with threats of legal action against myself, and against Bink. What she doesn’t seem to realize first of all, is that he has absolutely nothing to do with this publication, nor is there any marriage for her to come after what few assets we have.

A part of me sincerely hopes she steps forward and brings legal action against me. You see, I’ve never went public with her name or the names of anyone in my immediate family. It would be a great pleasure to stand in a courtroom and show the extremities, now covered with the deep scars from rot, which grew like black mold to cover my body. It would give me great pleasure to introduce the world to the woman who allowed her daughter to be physically eaten by the infection of abuse and terror that surrounded her existence. The times when Mother saw me in bed naked at nine with his erection lying next to me. The time she allowed him to buy the see-through gown from Victoria Secrets for her then twelve year old daughter. The dates she allowed her thirteen year old daughter to attend when it should have been just the two of them. How she watched him ‘teach’ me to slow dance in public while an entire bar watched the child drink up the whiskey and be groped on the dance floor. The mornings she viewed the belt marks and bruises from her daughter’s battle the night before and never spoke a concerned word about any of it!!!

Will she have the courage and the stupidity to come forward and name herself as the mother of this child??? Only time will tell!!!

The saddest part of it all is how the lifelong effects are still with me and still able to be angered by her actions and the sound of her voice. Is it really that I haven’t fully healed or is it the deep impact left on the child? Isn’t it normal for a child to want a parent to love and protect them, believe in their value and encourage their possibilities? She was all I had as a blood connection to any parent. I didn’t want to let go, because I always hoped she would one day see my worth as a human being. Unfortunately, the day has never come and once in a while she sneaks back in to remind me of this truth.

Sadly it is a truth for many of us who survived the vicious attacks and sickness of abuse from our parents. Those who we were taught should protect and guide us; instead harm, degrade, and strip away our very soul, then act as if we are to blame for the cruelty against us.

So, as I vent to you today, I have to admit that as much as I speak about empowering the voices of others to speak up for their freedom in life, it is with great sorrow that I admit; “She got to me again!!!”

Yes, we’ve talked, posted, and shared about the many lifelong traumas that inflict the survivor of abuse and violence. I’ve shared on previous blogs the scientific proof from National Institute of Mental Health and Government Affairs reports of how the trauma of the many years in sadistic brutal abuse and neglect leaves the survivor to carry lifelong issues of PTSD, DEPRESSION, DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTIONS, FIBROMYALGIA and other such physical and mental health problems.

I believe, that even for some of the parents today who are abusers and neglecters of their children; that this is a curse from times past and it is possible to recover and be better for your children!!

Do we ever fully recover or are we in a constant mode of recovering?

When we heal from the inside we become better, stronger, more capable of facing the daily issues of life and parenting!!! I also believe like learning to live as a recovering addict, we have to recognize the scars of the abuse, accept what it has done to us and find coping skills to manage through. It’s important that we become emotionally strong enough to cope with the stressors that can set us off. We have to review our own actions and emotional responses to see how the scars have invaded our ability to cope within our adult world and family. However, it is a work – in – progress!!!

Each time we can stand against the emotional reaction charged from the abuse and trauma, we have achieved a new success!!! It is to be admired, awarded in some small way, show yourself how important it is that you didn’t let it set you off, you were able to recognize your reaction and stop it from happening; THIS IS A HUGE SUCCESS!!!

As well as having the days of those little successes, we of course have those days we feel the cut of having our negative responses and feeling the frustration of the downward racing spiral!!! Yes we will have bad days, there will be things that set us off and trigger our anger, sadness, isolation, and more. Don’t be afraid to admit this to yourself. Know that it is perfectly normal to have this. It’s alright and with each time you face those days they become building blocks of your recovery. Don’t be ashamed that a day has come that you have problems coping? There is no shame, only honor in being a survivor!!!

Never give up hope of one day being free and having your life to enjoy!!

Never stop dreaming of what you can achieve!!

Never stop believing in your value; the purpose given to you at birth!!

When you need a friend to help you get through a bad day or a bad moment, never be afraid of speaking out and asking for some guidance and support!!! Know there are hundreds of voices speaking out against the crimes of abuse and the generational acceptance to family violence. You will find a friend who understands the plight you face and will help you find your sense of peace!!!

If you are lost in these lifelong impacts of abuse or violence; please search out Abuse and Violence Support in your browser or Facebook, there is always help available!!! If you are swept away and need a voice to speak with call the hotline numbers to speak with someone and find a local support group in your area where you can connect with others like yourself.

You are never alone!!! You never have to remain silent about the pain you carry!!!

You’re invited to visit the new website for a full-page of resources and listing of hotline numbers;  http://www.patriciamcknightsjustice.com

Join me and others in the online support group – Survivors World

Both men and women; victims and survivors are welcomed; together we can help heal each other!!!

Join in and sign the guest book for ‘Generation No More’; hoping to empower and encourage everyone to build prevention and rescue in their own community!!

Positive Thoughts for You

You DESERVE a safe place to sleep

You DESERVE respect

You DESERVE kindness and support

You DESERVE as much love as you freely give to others

You DESERVE roses in your garden of life

(c) ‘My Justice’

pub. Feb 2011

Patricia A. McKnight

Author/Advocate/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Host/Survivor

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

SCARS OF DISREGARD FOR MEDICAL CARE!!!

Left & Right Arms

Right & Left Leg

“DYSFUNCTION”

Many of us have said at some point in our lives, “I’m suffering from some dysfunction lately.”

What does this statement initiate in your thoughts? I can tell you that for the many millions who live as survivors of abuse, or if you are dealing with some type of abuse, this statement carries an entirely different level of meaning.

If you are one of the relatively happy, safe, people of our society, you might first think, “I can’t focus.” – “I’m losing my head lately.” – If you have shared either of these online you may have even put a cute little, “LOL” at the end. ugggghhhh…….!!!!!

From my many years of personally living in different aspects of disastrous dysfunction, I will tell you this has a completely different impact for someone living as a survivor of abuse or trauma.

The actual meaning of this word: “Dysfunction” – failure to show the characteristics or fulfil the purposes accepted as normal or beneficial. (Dictionary.com)

To a survivor this word can mean that you are sitting huddled tight in a small, safe place; arms wrapped tightly around your legs; pulling them close and holding your pieces together so tightly that your knuckles are turning white.

I’ve shared on our Dreamcatchers Blog Talk Radio about how often we feel like we are exploding into pieces when we suffer and cannot flee from the attack. Dysfunction is the moment that you are overwhelmed and completely distraught by the horrible memories of terror, disgust and ugliness of Sexual Abuse, especially Child Sexual Abuse. I say especially related to “child” because a child cannot fight back. A grown woman or man, has the ABILITY to fight back or try to flee the attack on some level; a child and even an older teen with a dependence upon the person attacking them, cannot battle these attacks, mentally or physically.

Dysfunction can be the hole sucking you back down the drain to the very pit of depression filled with fear. There are many of us that cannot even manage to succeed in school, be a part of a stable work force or be a productive member of society.When you look at the reality of what it is costing our society to try to mend the damage of this evil against our children and to help protect them, you can understand why it is necessary to bring stricter punishments for these crimes to our court systems. On average, according to Prevent Child Abuse America, it was reported in April 2012, our country spends $220 Million EVERY DAY!!!

http://www.preventchildabuse.org/downloads/PCAA_Cost_Report_2012_Gelles_Perlman_final.pdf

When you view the different aspects collected in this daily cost,  prevention, education, intervention, legal, medical exams & care, mental health services, medications and more; we have to ask ourselves how we can help make a difference right now? Starting today at the moment you read this, become more aware of the facts and care about those in your daily circle of life; be it family, friends, co-workers, neighbors and even strangers!!!

As a society we have a responsibility to listen to their voices. Try to hear that person who is screaming out for help. Don’t you believe that if your most personal sense of safety had been violated, perhaps by the person you trusted most, that you too would have those times of falling apart and into the roller coaster of dysfunction and depression? Believe me when I tell you, “Only those who know this nightmare can truly understand the momentum and the depth of the many down swings that creep into our lives.”

Think if you will for a moment, about the thousands who take their own lives each year because of the madness, loneliness and fear of being in this place of dysfunction. Do you know that as I tried to search the world-wide web for statistics on Suicides due to Child Abuse – there are no statistics that directly reflect that number? I did however find this awesome article from Psychology Today …… “while the CDC may not count the number of child abuse induced suicides that occur in emerging adulthood, it’s easy to argue that the count would not be ‘1.”

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/becoming-adult/201101/suicide-age-27-death-due-child-abuse

Please take another moment to say a prayer (in whatever process you pray) for not only those incredibly courageous Eight Men who have testified to convict Jerry Sandusky and all others who have found their voice, but also for those who are still trapped within the secrets.

As a strong note of encouragement to anyone who is a survivor, I want to give you the very positive assurance that it will get better!! There is a lot of personal effort that is required to get past this darkness, but it is possible. Don’t be ashamed if you need to call a stranger on a hot line number. Don’t think you’re crazy if you go into the woods and beat the crap out of a few trees, although I would suggest using something other than your own body for this. Don’t freak out if you start screaming at the top of your lungs. Whatever you need to do in order to release the emotions that have been buried for so long, this will always be a good thing. I beg you to believe in this because I am a living truth of this now and I use my story and my voice to share this with others each day. Please, reach out and do not harm yourself for what another has done to in an attempt to destroy you. You cannot give them that power over you any longer. You must stand to protect your life and achieve what they have tried to rob from you.

As you go through the various stages of healing and what may be triggered by all that has been in the news lately, please hang on to these few notes of empowerment and reach out to just one person.

1) YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG

2) THIS IS A CRIME AGAINST YOU – not a crime that you have committed

3) THERE IS NO SHAME OR BLAME THAT IS YOURS TO CARRY

4) DO NOT STRUGGLE TO MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS WITH THOSE WHO CHOOSE NOT TO BELIEVE YOU OR TURN AGAINST YOU

5) BUILD A POSITIVE SUPPORT SYSTEM WITH THOSE YOU TRUST

Always know that you are a beautiful rose waiting to bloom!!!

(c)Patricia A. McKnight

Author; “My Justice” – ISBN #978-1-45207-170-1

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Speaking Out as a Child Sexual Abuse Survivor

Author: "My Justice"          Here is one local Illinois woman who has finally found the voice of the child she used to be!!!

          Ms. Patricia A. McKnight, is now an Author/Speaker/Advocate & Blog Talk Radio Host for Dreamcatchers for Abused Children, but just TWO YEARS AGO she was a mental wreck.

Ms. “Tricia” McKnight is now asking all News Channels and News Papers to give a voice of support and encouragement to all who have been Sexually Abused as Children.

She encourages all survivors of this heinous crime, “Never give up Hope for your happiness. Miracles do happen”.

After Such a horrible evil crime has BEEN COMMITTED AGAINST YOU – NOT BY YOU, first you must RELEASE YOURSELF OF ANY GUILT OR RESPONSIBILITY, even for carrying someone’s ugly secret. These crimes destroy our children every day. EVERY FIVE SECONDS, a child is being beaten, raped, molested, and murdered. Sadly 95% of these cases are not shared in our news releases; mainly because they are family related in some manner and no one chooses to report these allegations. The child is too young and too over powered, sometimes even threatened with the destruction of their safety system; murder of their family!! http://www.dreamcatchersforabusedchildren.com

The crime of Sexual Abuse will instantly murder the soul of that child. They are forever to carry the burden of having their world instantly destroyedby the person they love, trust and depend on for survival. In the wake of the recent publication of increasing survivor stories shared through our social networking sites and the major cases that are being shared in our daily local news; we must now as a society, All 60 Million Survivors, need to share their voice. We need to recognize the increasing numbers of these voices and show them our understanding, support and acceptance of who they are and what they’ve survived.

My life was invaded at the age of FIVE; in fact I found out just about a year ago that my mother was verbally warned, by this man’s own adopted son, just how evil my to-be stepfather was and the ugliness he carried inside. When he came into our lives, I became his target. The first act of cruel molestation was committed on the night of my mother’s bridal shower. His many different acts of physical and sexual torture lasted for the next TWELVE YEARS of my life!!!

Unfortunately, as tragic as it may be, we must first realize that for generations there has been a sense of acceptance and expectance of these acts. You’ll find in many families that fathers, mothers, aunts, uncle’s or even grandparents; someone has been sexually abused. “Fine, so this has happened. What do we do now?”

As a Blog Talk Radio Host I have the sincere honor to talk with many survivors who have shared their voices and some who still are burdened with that heavy secret. These adults, from ages 20 to 60, are the new survivors and WE SHOULD BE THE LAST!!! No longer should this be some ugly passage of our children’s lives. How can we possibly bury our heads in the sand for another generation to be stained with this darkness. We are generation “NO MORE SEXUAL ABUSE OF OUR CHILDREN”!!

Survivors who are asking themselves if they should speak out of what’s happened, I beg you – Please help – Give your voice now to correct the statistics of these crimes. We need to change what their world can be. We have to stop the cycle and stop whispering about these vicious acts of SOUL MURDER!!!

We live with the very destructive mental dysfunction because of the reworking of our brain. Our fight or flight system is all screwed up. We live as adults suffering at times with complete break down, inability to maintain employment or keep our homes stable. Many have turned to using marijuana, alcohol or some other type of drug, prescribed or not, to induce a calm inside just to get through their day. Everything lives in hyper mode and we can be forever in a roller coaster of destruction, but never give up survivors. You can have a happy life after you have made one simple statement, be it public or not, but admit first to yourself – I AM A CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVOR!!!

May you continue to be that BEAUTIFUL BLOOMING ROSE you truly were meant to be.

Blessings, Empowerment, Praise for your courage!!!

(c) Author: Patricia A. McKnight

“My Justice” – ISBN # 978-1-45207-170-1 —You will find the direct links to purchase this in paperback; e-book; Kindle or Nook in the Blog Roll – Plus find many more survivor stories & blogs shared their as well!!!

If you have a survivor blog you would like to share, send it my way and I will gladly add you to the list!!!

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

email: tricia.mcknight@hotmail.com

Clearing the head…Clearing the shame…

For years now I’ve believed writing good for the soul. When I began thinking about putting my nightmares into words it was frightening to imagine revisiting those feelings. It took so very much to put “My Justice” together for my children. They deserved to know how this evil first invaded our family. How could I possibly let them think that this was merely a result of being a child from divorce? They really needed to understand the how’s and why’s of our family having suffered through so much pain. I wasn’t sure how to begin with them.

How do you tell your children you were sexual abused? How do you bring up this topic with them? It’s so impossible to think they would truly understand what had happened and how the scars I carried had bled in to invade their world.

I decided I would just do it. I had to do it for all of us. It’s not that I wanted my entire life to be out there for everyone, but I felt it necessary to explain to them and to use my horrific experiences as a tool of human moral for others. The level of their evil, both my mother and my stepfather, was so very deep that they created a grown child with no sence of manners, decent judgement, confidence, and the many other types of behaviors and knowledge a normal 17-year-old should have. It was almost impossible for me to go through everyday actions of life as others were doing. How was I to act like an adult with the shattered soul of a 5-year-old still held up inside of me?

My mother had never taught us that we needed to wipe after going to the toilet. Hell most often we didn’t even have toilet paper. There was never one word spoken about brushing your teeth. In fact there were only two toothbrushes and one belonged to each of them. We never said please or thank you to anyone; not even for passing the food.

When I quit bathing as a mode to protect myself from being trapped in the room with him, no one ever said a word. My brother and stepfather would tease me about stinking, but no one said, “Get upstairs and take a bath”. I remember at the age of 15 the school was demanding that all of us keep deodorant in our gym lockers and that we shower after class. The teacher would hang out in her office just off the locker room. There was a big glass window between us and her. She would walk to the shower room and check in on us; even saw me dodging all others as I cowered into a corner. At least I thought she saw me. We did make I contact, that I do remember. Anyway, I let mom know that I needed deodorant. Her words, ‘If you’d take a bath you wouldn’t need fucking deodorant”, and she never bought any; which cost me a demerit or two in class.

Can you imagine how I had to develop when I left home? Seventeen years old, moving in with a 24-year-old man!! I knew how to keep a house spotless, how to put dinner on the table every night. I definitely knew how to please him sexually. I knew to bow down to him and follow all of his rules, but I would take little pieces of bread to fill the holes in my top front teeth. However, I did buy myself a toothbrush.

I was not a young woman starting out in life with goals, ideas, ambitions. Hell, what were those. All I ever knew how to do, take care of my man and the others that came into my life.

As I, some 4 years later, became a mom; I knew how to answer to my child’s every whim. I was a fabulous Mother!!! My baby was bathed, fed, given fluoride drops ( we lived in the U.K.). He was pampered to the fullest extent. My husband, who was a different man because the other had almost killed me more than once; but he never had to worry about taking care of anything that concerned the house. It didn’t matter how heavy the job or what it intailed; it was my responsibility and if I didn’t stay on top of it then I was filled with guilt for not meeting their needs.

I had been programmed that nothing I needed mattered. Now it was always about being clean, which I had become Obsessive Compulsive about even showering & douching myself. All little details mattered. For I was so ugly looking; that’s all I can say about it. Four of my top front teeth were broken and now just black holes of decade teeth. Most of my molars were decade and broken off as well. My skin was scary looking. My arms and legs were so covered with deep big scars of the infection that had eaten away at my skin for five years, which of couse was from not being able to bath without a visitor.

Honestly, My mother let me rot as he raped me and molested me. Held me with his huge coal stained hand over my mouth while my sister slept silently next to me. She was around 4 when we started sharing a bed together. I would often wonder if her eyes ever opened to see what her father was doing?

How do I teach my children to be decent people with manners, kindness towards others; to keep themselves clean? How do I teach my children that they matter? They need education to get a job. They need to learn how to manage finances, which I had no clue. They had begun taking any money I made at the age of 11 with my babysitting jobs. Then later it would be him caught stealing from my purse.

How do I tell my children who the person is that my parents created, but how I wanted so much more for them? How much I truly tried to give all I had of me up until the last child left my home. Even then there was still dinner each night when I got home from work and we ate as one. I gave them morals. They were taught to say prayers, please & thank you. As children everyone would compliment on them. How smart they were? How beautiful and how well behaved. I would ask to make sure they were talking about my children, lol!!!

This is just one part of the abuses I’ve gone through. This is only some of the ways that it left it marks on me. I’m still rebuilding my soul. Writing “My Justice” and finally giving them some sense of understanding as to where I came from and why some of this evil and mis-guided behaviors invaded their world. It was a blessing of peace for me to finally speak of what had truly happened. With my scarred up skin, broken and partially filled teeth, it’s not been easy to get through this life as a woman. We’re expected to be beautiful, have smooth soft skin, bright shining smiles; even to wear cute little outfits & dresses that show off our legs. NOT ME, NO WAY – No one ever got to sit and massage my legs or rub my feet. It was difficult enough to sit next to someone and it still is because I feel their eyes on my skin and looking at my crooked smile and my crooked mouth from the empty spaces. I wish there were some miracle that could make me look like everyone else. A pot load of money to give me a bright new smile, which I have never seen on myself. I look at very young childhood pictures and even then I can see the plaque build up starting on my teeth.  Wouldn’t that be a true blessing from God just to be given the smile I never had?

The tears well up in my eyes as I think about the heavy scars that cover my legs and arms. There will never be anyway to fix this. They cannot give me smooth new skin. It’s horrifying to have people look at you like that all your life; Always wondering, “What is the first thought in their head?” How can a man willingly choose to be with me? That is a whole other discussion meant for another day.

It’s good to get back to writing and sharing with everyone. My thanks and blessings to all who read this. I pray you are not the broken spirit of your past. If I can walk through this life, teach my children to be wonderfully decent people, carry the physical trauma for all to gauk at, and still see a bright love in this world; this is something you can get through as well.

There is no guarantee of safety in our world, not even in our homes. We come into this world and are left in the hands of others. It is up to them to give us something to guide us through. This is all that I can give to my children.. I pray that they will stand proud and stop the evil from passing forward. We cannot allow this sickness to eat into our families. If we are the broken souls; simply guide them at your best, get help & support for yourself; leave the rest up to God.

Patricia A. McKnight

For my children, I am so,so very sorry – Be strong, wise & good – hugs!!!