Who I am today

 

miracles-happen  “I’m not feeling sorry for myself, so please don’t pity me, it really just makes the situation worse. What I need is to know that something I say or do or write will help you support someone whose been harmed, as well as prevent or intervene when something happens in your circle today.”

Over the past ten years I’ve been on a reality mission to figure out who I am, without focusing on what has been done to influence my past beliefs and behaviors. Learning about the aftermath of my personal war and the influence I have left on those I treasure most. This is not an easy process and one which comes and goes in different situations and challenges as I get stronger and learn more about myself and the actions of others; all resulting in who I am today.

My idea of self appreciation and self worth was never developed because I was put in my place, and lived in the example of who THEY thought I was or the value I carried as a person. Tragically, just in America, we have 3.7+ Million children still living in those same types of environments today. Even worse is that myself and millions of others know exactly who that child might become tomorrow, especially if they are not given help or have at least one positive person who gives them something more to believe in and seek to achieve a greater good.

My stepfather, Malcolm White, was truly walking evil; to me he was and always will be the devil himself. In fact, he used to quote; ‘Heaven doesn’t want me and the Devil is afraid I’ll take over’. I knew in my heart that he would definitely kick the Devil’s ass and de-throne him without an ounce of effort. However ridiculous as it might sound, I am still afraid of his ghost some six years or more after his death. I can still feel him lurking around like an animal after his most favorite prey. I can’t sleep for more than three or four hours at any one time, then suddenly I’m shocked awake and for a split second I’m still in harms way, even though I truly am not.

For Malcolm, the violent molesting attacks that began before he married my mother was not enough. His appetite for cruelty and deviate influence progressed to the point I became HIS PROPERTY; my mother, Mona, stepped aside and did absolutely nothing to help me or care for me ever again. I was told to shut up and stop whining. I still hear this from my siblings today on the rare occasion I speak to them at all. For me the only family I had died in March 1989 and I still mourn his death today. I just stopped by his grave last week and thanked him for helping as much as he could. He was just a boy, a boy who willingly lived in our home until he was 22yrs old; but he was a boy who stepped in front of Malcolm’s rage more than once and he stepped in front of the loaded weapons pointed at my head. He would have taken that bullet rather than see me be harmed. For John, I will never have the chance to repay what he did for me, which was the best that had happened until I was 40 yrs old.

Malcolm influenced my sexual behavior with other boys and men within the community of Freeburg beginning around age 11, when he first arranged a special party with a case of beer and about five neighborhood boys who hung with my brother. I was instructed on who to invite, how to dress, and what to encourage and allow these boys to do with me. It is the most shameful and disgusting memory that I carry. I attended school with these boys. I saw them hanging in the park everyday, and I would party with them being my ‘friends’ for the next five years.

It was just a few weeks later he took me to JB Tavern, just two blocks from our house, where my mother worked and all the coalminers hung out. I was fed double shots of vodka with orange juice, so many that I puked the entire evening and next day. We were there for about two hours when Dave and a crew of miners came in to shoot pool and toss back a few beers. I was given a dollar for the jukebox and instructed on how to ‘shake my ass’ as I played the music. I was asked to pick out the cutest guy, and then taken to his table and offered out for a trip out back or in the car; all it would cost is a couple of beers. This was my value if I had any at all, and when he looked at Malcolm and said; ‘She’s just a kid’, I was taken to the car and beaten for being so ugly no one would ever want anything to do with me at all. ‘I was lucky they wanted to ‘f***’ me’. This was who I became and just part of how I was used until I finally escaped, running to move in with the first guy who asked; a guy from thirty miles away who didn’t know anything about me or my family history. I just needed to get away before I either killed Malcolm or he killed me.

At that time I was 17yrs old; he was going to purchase a mobile home and put me on a plat of ground where he would have his own special key to come over anytime and bring whomever he wished. I didn’t care who helped me get away and I certainly didn’t take time to evaluate who he was or how he treated me. As a result of my inability to realize the inner cruelty he had, the following two years would be almost deadly on a weekly basis.

In the influence of my parents, I became the perfect lifetime victim. It didn’t take much kindness for me to open my legs and my heart; for me to seek their approval regardless of the cost, so long as I felt they wanted me. My behaviors became coping strategies. I was fed a case a beer before I turned 10 years old. It was the way Malcolm reduced my rejections or put me in a manipulating and controllable condition. I was given my first joint before I was 12 and to say the least, this is what I depended on to numb the loss and disgust that I couldn’t escape. Lance was the first to give me cocaine, and I even did a few small hits of acid; but it definitely was not for me and the cocaine was too expensive, so my constant state of being was either drinking or high, or both until I got pregnant and left the country. It was a blessing to be removed from all that surrounded me, but the man I married was not the same man I lived with over there. This man had me in the perfect place; I couldn’t escape and had no one around to talk with or convince me that I wasn’t as low a piece of crap as he insisted I was. Our society wasn’t even discussing the acts of child abuse or family violence back then and I definitely didn’t know anything other than what I had been so well trained to accept; it was my ‘normal’.

From 20 to 40 there was a handful of failed and cruel relationships, some more violent and destructive than others, but each a reflection of the only thing I knew. I fought constantly trying to absorb all of the bad so that my kids would never know that type of pain; however, I didn’t realize just how the chaos was affecting them and the example of womanhood I was giving my daughters. Imagine seeing your mom be beaten to a pulp while you’re sitting at the kitchen table waiting for her to come eat dinner with you. Suddenly the perfect plate of food she delivered to him goes flying across the room, and because she wasn’t going to sit on the couch with him, she was thrown, kicked, punched and slammed against walls, the stove, the sink and the door. Finally the fighting stops and she comes into the table, trying to calm your little sister and get everyone to eat as if nothing happened. Imagine the confusion and human value your children learn in our examples of tolerance. How do you think they will grow to see the world and what value they will hold precious about themselves? What will their children learn and how will they behave in school or in the teenage social situations as they develop?

This is our human conditioning and it leaves an ugly mark on all those affected. It distorts our value of ourselves and how we treat others. Some might become extreme protectors and put the needs of others higher than the needs of themselves and their happiness. Some might become lost in drugs, alcohol, or even deviate attacks on others. Some of those like me get so lost they can’t get out and are emotionally wounded forever; these are those prone to submissive and self harming behavior, that which commonly ends in suicide or overdose ending in death. They can’t hold productive steady employment and have chronic health conditions which studies are finding are actually early onset conditions that first show up as Juvenile Fibromyalgia or Early Post Traumatic Stress; conditions that hold trigger reactions before the person is old enough to realize the effect at all. The overall economic cost to society, becomes the taxpayers burden because of these invading health and emotional conditions that cause a reduction or inability to sustain in self supportive life development. Most have difficulty in learning skills or the development of healthy, productive life skills. After all when did they have time to concentrate on homework or study for that big test?

Personally, I’ve got so many injuries and health problems my body and my daily life are a mess. The cost of my constant healthcare in pain management, medications, various procedures, circulatory and pulmonary progressive diseases; I’ve been on disability since 2007. I would have to say that the worst of my conditions today is the permanent spinal cord trauma which has caused elongated cystic sacs to grow inside of my central canal, a condition called Syringomyelia. This alone causes wide spread severe pain, but add in the intense Fibro & Head Trauma and you’ve got a disastrous mess. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, so please don’t pity me, it really just makes the situation worse. What I need is to know that something I say or do or write will help you support someone whose been harmed, as well as prevent or intervene when something happens in your circle today.

Victims and Survivors need to know that their suffering and their voice matters to someone; that someone cares enough to help heal the wounds and make us stronger so that we can provide a better life for ourselves and more importantly our children. We need the law changes to prosecute these types of repeat heinous offenders. For most of us, we will never be given a chance at justice, because the laws of our past allow absolute minimum time to report or press charges; in Illinois these offense statutes allow only ONE YEAR after victim’s 18th birthday. Hell, I didn’t even know what the word trafficking was and definitely feared this couple so much, along with the condemnation of those around me; my life was something so destructive and disgusting I couldn’t tell anyone what happened to me at all until I was around 35 years old. Some knew that my childhood wasn’t pleasant, but no one, including myself, really knew just how evil and tragic it was.

We are NOT our parents, and we do NOT have to live in the sorrow, pain, and pattern of harm or victim they taught us. We have a choice today and we can actually use the strength of amazing survivors who are finally able to discuss what’s happened; use their courage to speak up as a precious gift. This is a strength beyond measure they cling to and can use, not just to help themselves, but to influence how we help and how we can truly save the life of someone else today. You can be the one to step in and take the bullet; you can stop the bleeding and help stitch up the wounds of our kids lost in the pattern of destruction, crime, drugs, and harm they are trying to survive today. Please don’t sit on the sidelines and judge what that person should or shouldn’t do, because until that same personal violation is against you, then you can never know how it feels or the damage it causes. You may be stronger than they are and bounce back with no problem, but you may watch someone else slowly disintegrate so horribly that it becomes their own extinction.

Today I use my past, all of it; my behaviors and my pain, my bad choices and the influence I’ve seen continue in my children and grand children’s lives; I use all of this hoping that somehow I can help empower one other survivor to believe they absolutely matter. Hoping that I can inspire one victim to get help for themselves and their family. Hoping that I can change the offensive behavior of someone who has been harmed, but reacts and attacks others in their pain. We DO NOT have to harm others or devalue ourselves, because on this amazing planet; every life and every breath taken truly matters and we all have the power to do something about it.

Be a Hope-Line & save a life

Thank you for reading & I do hope you’ll share

Love for all,

‘Trish’

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Author: ‘My Justice’     mj-2

http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62  

Promo 07.17.2016

Are you a reality thinker?

 

Good Morning

Let me first ask, Who enjoys #BillMaher?

Alright world, especially Americans – How much longer will we continue tolerating certain ‘SPECIAL’ human beings to direct what is or is not a – HUMAN CHOICE OF LIFE – or a harming action AGAINST another HUMAN BEING, (which is also a human choice)? Who are these people so righteous and perfect that they are deciding what is a more serious issue to be addressed in our society?

It is #Vote2016 – America you now get to choose what issues are important and who do you trust enough to uphold your wishes. Of course we have to allow the reality that you cannot make everyone happy all the time. (Isn’t this what we have always been told?)

Today we have a human society filled with intelligent reality thinking and tolerating human beings;

HOWEVER…..

  • If you enjoy inhaling smoke from a cigarette or a joint – YOU ARE CONDEMNED!! You are either imprisoned for one of these actions or society just turns away from you commenting how bad you smell.
  • If you don’t get married but choose to live with your Life’s Love
  • If you choose a #SameSex Spouse
  • If you choose to live thinking outside of the box, more tolerating of a Human Choice in life rather than in man’s written interpretation of God’s Laws or our centuries old way of life….

In all of the above sentences, which are basic human choice in a person’s individual life and how they choose to enjoy their time here on Earth; in all of these choices you are demeaned, condemned in either our #CriminalJustice or in our #Church. If you choose any of these you are ostracized and cut out of our daily acceptable way of life.

Permit me to add here; regardless of how much good you share toward another human being, regardless of the kindness and gentle nature you live to inspire in others, regardless of how much good you share with the world – you are not living in our acceptable perceptions of life.

HOWEVER CONTINUED…….

You can make a choice to REPEATEDLY (day after day, year after year, generation after generation); you teach tolerance and acceptance in repeatedly causing extreme harm to children, spouse, partner; ruling your home in brute force and terror, and NEVER be punished or considered a Bad Person

Do you think if person’s as young as sixteen years old; those who are permitted to work, pay taxes, drive – if these person’s were allowed to have a say in how we determine what is and isn’t a priority issue right now – if they could have a say, would it still be considered the same and would it be a topic our #Politicians will make an agenda for their platform?

You know my writing in horrible now in the running sentences and questions, but I am just absolutely stunned everyday about the dark actions and harm that exists inside our homes, hurts our youth and causes more destruction to a human being than any other disease known to mankind, but repeatedly for five years I’ve seen this issue dismissed in Social Media, Television, News Headlines.

Our youth aren’t really directed to believe that they have written guaranteed inalienable rights to be SAFE. We don’t teach them they can & will be protected under our laws and have their offenders prosecuted for the harm against them. We teach them to prosecute the Coach, Priest, Minister, Neighbor, Stranger who hurts them or someone else they know, but we do everything we can to dismiss a #FamilyOffender.

We force them to carry decades of horror, painful, demeaning, and life destructive memories which trigger drug addictions, criminal or violent behavior, even might affect their being a child predator or harming their own children. The studies & research is published to justify how healthy patterns of thinking and human choice are destroyed and in fact frontal lobe brain impairment is the result of even one incident of trauma. Who they were before the harm is forever gone. Regardless of what happens it seems rarely, only after decades of healing; does the survivor get strong enough to bring forth charges, but tragically most (87%) are NEVER prosecuted or held accountable for their disgusting and grievous choice against persons who may be too young to even understand what is happening to them at all. It simply becomes a daily, yearly, life taught pattern of being beaten, degraded, traded, sold, used and destroyed.

Our neighbors dismiss it, our schools dismiss it, our laws dismiss it – at least for the 2.5 Million registered reports of harm that never receive an investigation and those six others on top of that who will absolutely never reveal to anyone just exactly what types of Human Violations they were taught to accept in their life every single day.

This is absolutely the most cruel part of our human nature. We have been programmed century after century, generation after generation, that any of these types of actions against your own children are tolerable, so long as we teach them through fear, threats, silence, and ignorance of their pain – NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE UGLY PARTS.

Will it ever really change? Is there anything at all that our society will ever do besides attend trainings, update how we think about mental illness and trauma, how our law enforcement handles a volatile family offender and just how bad does it have to be before someone will even talk to the child at all about what’s happening or if they’re being hurt?

HOWEVER……

  1. We have 1 in 5 Adult Americans with Mental Illness
  2. We have 1 in 4 homes living in some type of violence or sexual predatory behavior
  3. We have 1 in 3 children being Sexually harmed every single day (I’ve got the research to back this up, find it on the Child Maltreatment Page of this blog)
  4. We have 85% of prisoners affected by some form of childhood or #FamilyCrime
  5. We have 87% of drug and alcohol addictions connected to some form of #FamilyCrime
  6. We have study after study, generation after generation, human being after human being who is living a life altering, self destructive, violent, and suicidal perceptions because of some type of #FamilyCrime

At some point this has to be unacceptable, punished, and held accountable for the inability to financially provide for, and protect the healthy safe life for our children. I absolutely will never understand our society’s choice to consider, ‘Oh well, we are doing our best. It’s what’s always happened. They will get over it’

Readers, I do not understand why we cannot work harder, united in efforts to ensure the education of guaranteed inalienable rights of ALL children. There is no human being better than another. There is no human being not worthy of help. There is no human being that has permission by Man’s Law or God’s Law to harm another human being, but we continue to tell our children it does not matter inside your home and family; ‘Laws are different there; my parental/guardian right to cause grievous injury or sexual harm is my choice. You just have to shut up, deal with it, and if you ever tell anyone else what’s happening in our home, I WILL KILL YOU!!!’

If you tell

Are you ready to make a change for them? Are you sick of this acceptance in these horrific actions?

We are a human society that constantly stands up for #LGBTRights ; #AnimalRights ; #ReligiousRights ; and every other issue, but those very young kids out there (especially those too young to support themselves, too young to defend themselves, too abandoned in the absolute control and responsibility of their parents.

I BELIEVE IN FAMILY TOGETHERNESS. I BELIEVE IN HEALTHY FAMILY DYNAMICS. It will never be perfect and we will never be able to help every child or person who is left to live in this mess. It will take a few generations before we actually see a positive outcome as human beings.

HOWEVER……

You have the power to change it beginning RIGHT NOW!! You can sign our #Petition requesting a #Federal review and update of our policies and prosecutions across the country in how we deal with this type of criminal and humanly destructive choice against those who are the very continuing existence of mankind and our world as a whole. You have the power to make a choice in what you start practicing inside your family. How you teach your children to interact and live accepting, rather than harming, of others. You have the power to determine if they will live searching for a drug to ease their turmoil and inner nightmares. You have the power to determine if they learn to be violent or kind. It is up to every adult to protect and be some type of positive influence on the children they choose to bring into this world.

HELP US MAKE A CHANGE AND DIRECT THE ISSUE FOR OUR HUMAN RIGHT TO BE SAFE!!! ‘Free from harm and free from the fear of harm’ Universal Declaration Of Human Rights

SIGN BELOW –

‘Family Crimes Act’ –

Petition for a Federal Review & Update of Policy & Prosecution

The below video is educational, informative, and empowering

It is also

shocking, disturbing, and graphic

https://youtu.be/QaexoCNqhcM

 

Producer/Toastmaster Ms. Rebecca Kimbel interviews

Author/Advocate/Mentor/Researcher/Survivor

Patricia A. McKnight

Thank you for reading, watching, and hopefully you signed because here in Illinois; this proposal has been discussed for over a year, put in front of House Representative, States Attorney, Congressman, U.S. Attorney, Assistant Attorney General Office – All of these person’s have stated what an amazing collection of research, justification, and remarkable outline of statistics in Crimes Against Children,

HOWEVER……

‘We can not address this topic at this time, but we appreciate and respect your work, your mission, and one day we just might be able to address this topic. You keep going and keep up all the work you’re doing. It really does matter, we just don’t have the budget to allow us to address this right now’

Be Well, Live Strong, Fly Free and teach your children to LIVE!!!