February Talk Radio Guest List and Schedule………..

Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Talk Radio Programming

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

Call in phone # (347)215-7754

Our programming is a magnificent team of survivors & experts, but each host represents their own specific show and will share with you their upcoming ideas, guests, and programs!! This schedule is for the Monday & Wednesday programs with Trish McKnight and Michal Madison. Be sure to tune in and listen as all of our hosts, including the wonderful Annie O’Sullivan & Kelly Behr, present their special programs for your listening. We do hope you will gather some food for thought as we discuss the very heinous acts of abuse and violence within our homes.

Each independent host will share their upcoming guests & programs!!

**We still would like to talk to some new hosts. We’ve got some open programming days and if you believe this is something you are interested in joining, please let us know. If you have a special focus on these issues and would like to share your talents in your own broadcasted program, please contact Trish McKnight by emailing:

butterflydreamsabuserecovery@gmail.com    Please title as  SHOW HOST in subject line!!

February Guest Schedule!!!!

Feb 04; Monday‘Generation No More’ w/ Trish McKnight & Guest

Ms. Janice Meadows – Hedrick: Very excited to have Janice join in as we continue looking at the studied stats for 2011 reported to the Children’s Bureau. We’ll kick off by talking about the stats in her area of West Virginia, along with some special information she’d like to share about her state and their efforts to prosecute the predators and parents who attack the children. We’ll also be chatting about the Teen Dating Violence awareness month!!! What can you do as a parent to see the warning signs and help your kids understand what they mean? Very proud to share Janice is our very first Premier Supporter for our radio programming. We truly appreciate her ongoing work and devotion to this cause!!

Feb 06; Wednesday‘Survivors World’ w/ Trish & Michal

Natasha Hagan: Natasha is an avid fighter and promoter for RAINN.org (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network). Miss Hagan is going to share her journey from victim to thriver as she is now one of the leading voices of this organization and manager of Team Strick. She’s traveled to Washington D.C., she’s met with some amazing stars and now she comes to share her ongoing journey as she speaks to break down the walls of silence about these vicious crimes.

Feb 11; Monday‘Generation No More’ w/ Trish & Guest

Nell Cole:  Advocate/Radio Producer & Host of Firetalk Productions blog talk radio program, Ms. Nell Cole will join in on a educational and awareness discussion about the crimes of abuse & violence throughout centuries.  Nell is an advocate for all injustice; not only speaking with those who have been harmed within our country, but she also discusses many various topics throughout history, such as: Sexual Healing, Orphans & Abuse, Historic topics of varying degrees. You’ll find her a wonderful, compassionate and highly intellectual person who sees these crimes and speaks the truth, breaking down the walls of secrets!!

Feb 13; Wednesday‘Survivors World’ w/ Trish & Michal

This night will be a call in night for our listeners to share your views on the topics of discussion. This broadcast will focus ‘Coping Strategies of the Trauma Survivor’. Michal did some research and found a few amazing articles about how survivors will use the coping they learned during the trauma of abuse throughout many of the difficult challenges in their adult life. Cannot wait to discuss and share with all of you on this topic!!! Please be sure to join us as we open up all the phones and our chatroom for your input.

Feb 18; Monday‘Generation No More’ w/ Trish & Guest

Denise Rotheimer: This is sure to me one powerful discussion. Mom, turned advocate, Founder of ‘Mothers on a Mission to Stop Violence’; Ms. Rotheimer is taking the battle of victims rights in the state of Illinois all the way to the U. S. Supreme Court. You’ll hear how her daughter was a child victim and how ‘Jasmine’s Law’ HB5187 also know as the Survivor Rights Act is the mission of this mom as she gains appellate justice for all victims and witnesses of violent crimes. Please listen in as this is sure to be one for the records as we discuss the foundation and her own personal battle in that very sensitive and often violated issue of Victims Rights vs. Rights of the Accused. Denise Rotheimer is also host of the cable television show, ‘Enforce Justice’.

Feb 20; Wednesday‘Survivors World’ w/ Trish & Michal

Janice Hedrick: Back on the show with us, this time Janice will be talking about her history of growing up in a drunken, raged filled home. Escaping and running into the hope of a new life, unfortunately to be attacked, raped and walking the path of the lost for almost 2 years. Janice is going to share with us the many secrets she has never spoken of before and we’ll discuss the impact of the sexual attack and how our mental health is impacted by the trauma. This is one for all rape survivors, you know the dark path of fear and loss that is felt. Please join in to support this courageous supporter/advocate to end the violence within our homes and the crimes of sexual attacks.

Feb 25; Monday‘Generation No More’ w/ Petra Luna of PlunaFoundation

Petra Luna: Singer/Musician/Artist/Advocate/Founder of Plunafoundation, the awesome and strong spoken spirit of Petra Luna comes to our phones. This amazing advocate is creator of MALE ABUSE AWARENESS WEEK!!! An event held December 1st – 8th in San Francisco, California, is dedicated strictly to MALE ABUSE AWARENESS!! Petra gives an exciting concert event and a week full of activities all directed to give our guys their macho male spirit and honoring what they have endured. Our male victims are becoming more recognized with the great efforts of Petra and her foundation to help guys understand, speak out and cope with the many difficult battles of being a survivor of rape and child abuse. You can join in the new Facebook Supporter Group by clicking on this link………. https://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_188508034535018#!/groups/188508034535018/

Feb 27; Wednesday – ‘Survivors World’ w/ Trish & Michal

Michal and I will open up our phone lines again and open up the topic of discussion as we take your shares about your journey of being a survivor. This show will focus on the issues of Domestic/Relationship Violence. There are many controlling factors when you speak of this type of violence. It can expand from the very least of keeping track of your actions, isolation, degradation, financial control, to the very brutal physical attacks which can often be almost deadly or life crippling. Join in as Michal and I take your calls and your stories about the survivors of these types of violence in our dating relationships and more common, those that happen within our homes by those who promise to be our partners, love us, respect us; in the end to torture and control us. We will close out our February month with a full discussion on the Relationship/Dating Violence our teens also deal with and how we can become aware to help them escape before the worst possible action happens.

Remember you were not brought into this world to have your spirit destroyed by the evil of those around you. There is life after abuse and you too can find your path to freedom!!

You deserve a safe place to sleep

You deserve respect

You deserve kindness & support

You deserve as much love as you freely give to others

You deserve roses in your garden of life!!

Thank you for supporting, sharing, and listening in on our programs. It’s sure to be a fantastic month with a lot of debate. Hope you will recommend the shows to your friends and family as we all step up to break down the wall of silence about these vicious crimes.

© Patricia A. McKnight

Founder/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Blog Talk Radio Programming

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com

Butterfly Dreams Talk Radio & Abuse Recovery

Author; ‘My Justice’ 

http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com/home_tmp_6314.html

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Writer/Talk Radio Prod & Host/Survivor

Please email to: butterflydreamsabuserecovery@gmail.com

 

 

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Calling on Your Angels…..A Great Coping Skill!!!

***Warning: May cause triggers, but I’m sure many will find this particular blog uplifting and hopeful in many ways!!!***

This is a lighter side of the blog “He’s Back Again…”, which you will find below. I know it’s been awhile since I’ve been here, somethings been flying around that I couldn’t quite get a grip on, but here it goes anyway.

So, as I shared in the previous mentioned blog, I have been sucked back into the darkness a bit and actually went running to my wonderful therapist Marjorie for some help to get through. She’s been a blessing in my life at giving me coping skills to stay in my present and work through the darkest of moments, so I couldn’t go without her expertise; I just wouldn’t be this far without her in my world.

As I sat in her small, but quaint decorated office, with pictures of Oriental Art placed about and hung on her walls. You can look into these works of art and wonder about those who created them. They tend to pull you into a world of opening up your spirit and touching base with what lies within.

Many times, as survivors of child sexual abuse, we carry a feeling of extreme violation in our hearts. This can only be described as evil but your soul still carries the innocence of a child. There is and will be a life long impact from child sexual abuse. It does rewire your perceptions; re-align your normal behaviors; it will be scorched into your memory never to be forgotten. You will have periods in your life when you feel surrounded by the darkness and you may even feel your life invaded over and over with the fear from these particular events.

“This is normal. You are not insane. You are one of the many who’s lives have been impacted by the very personal violation of child sexual abuse.”

These remembered events are the darkness that hovers around us, it challenges us, cages us. When these events are play out in our heads, we become that panicked child all over again. Often, as we grow older, we are distraught with the ups and downs of re-living these horrific acts. None of us ever forget these moments!!!

A victim who has gone through such attacks will often go through a cycle, which I commonly refer to as the Rollercoaster of Memories. You may have those off and on again reactions that seem to haunt. At time we think we cannot conquer over them, we fear not being able to just live and exist in the present; appreciating all of the small moments of joy that have crossed our paths.

Recently this is what’s been going on in my head. I feel a bit overwhelmed; flashed back into the memory of when stepfather used the shotgun barrel to rape the little girl. My head has been swarming with a vivid motion picture of that horrible night. I’ve questioned, cried, stomped and prayed; all trying to extract the remembered emotions of terror. I have been in the huge spiral of a downward racing coaster.

As a survivor who puts forth a continued effort to help empower others and inspire them to chase after the life of happiness they deserve; this leaves me feeling like much the hypocrite since I couldn’t seem to help myself. However, I’ve been blessed with some pretty amazing folks who have showered me with prayers, love, little jokes, and tons of well wishes. Still the Demon would not leave me.

The other evening I did the best I could to help myself break through the dark storm. Going to see Marjorie was the best I could have done for myself, as I said she has played a huge part of where I am today and helping me to gain some sense of peace in my world. She has kept me living in the present and filled my soul with the belief I can indeed help myself, so long as I use the coping skills and truly focus on what I aim to achieve.

“Don’t we all have to do this in some way? Isn’t this a very common place of self-doubt that every human endures at times? Isn’t this the basics of living and achieving? If we do not focus on the end result, on the goal at hand, how will any of us ever battle against what holds us back?”

These past two years, since truly being happy and with finally finding my voice; also relating with so many other amazing advocates and survivors, I have found one common strength between us all.

“We all have a belief in some greater power that has kept us alive and guided us to where we are.”

My particular belief, my hope, my continued strength to battle onward, comes from faith. Faith there is a God and He did not intend for my life to be stripped away by the evil of my parents. I believe the few who have loved me, who now exist as Angels, are still around me and will protect me. This is the power that helps me hang on and move past this dark storm. The aura of stepfather with the gun, the pain of him tearing me apart as I lay there silent on the royal blue quilted bedspread; this is my most darkest haunting and I’m sure you each have your own particular event that seems to never leave.

So what is the amazing coping tool that my dear Marjorie has given me this time? The power, the belief, to CALL ON MY ANGELS!!!

My particular Angels are the three main people in my past who have loved me, but who God has taken.

The first of these is the one I feel closest too, the boy who came to live with us at fourteen and suffered through many of the outbursts of rage from stepfather. His name was John and he did all he could as a young man to try to protect me, show me kindness, and be more of a brother than my real blood brother could have been. He was and always will be the brightest moments of my life from age twelve to twenty-five. He never let me down. He distracted stepfather many times from getting to me with those raging fists. If it weren’t for John, I would have been killed at a very young age.

The second of these Angels is my Grandma Ellen. I remember still the power of that last beautiful hug she gave me. I can still feel her arms wrapping around the small child and letting her know that she meant the world to her. Grandma Ellen was given my baby crib, for why I’m not sure, but she kept it in that old ragged farm house on the top of one of the many mountains of Southern Missouri. The road to her house was a golden red gravel and it went up and down a series of five or six hills to get to her drive way. The farm house was made of old tattered barn wood and the linoleum floors were worn. The last night I spent in that house with her was on my fifth birthday and she still tried to put me in my crib. I remember telling her that I couldn’t fit, even though I was very small, there was no way I could sleep without fearing falling through the bed. It’s a funny pleasant memory that I hang onto and one I use to fill my head when the dark seems to threaten my day.

The next and last of the Angels I treasure is my father. I don’t have many memories of him, but those I have are all pleasant and I know he would have rescued me if he had known that such evil was murdering the little girl he created. He didn’t CHOOSE to leave my life. In fact some of my memories are of him coming to visit after he and mother split up. He’d swing me in the backyard, he’d pick up mother, brother and I to take us for drives in his beautiful red convertible. I’d get to sit on his lap while he drove and he’d work the pedals I couldn’t reach. I got to go watch him drag race and he was a winner with that car. When he’d win I got to keep the trophy, but my collection disappeared when stepfather moved us into the house he wanted.

This is my spiritual coping tool. You see stepfather has me somewhat terrified of even my afterlife. A part of me, no matter how silly I think it is, still believes that somehow he is going to be waiting for me there. He is going to be there and keep me from having peace. In reality I know this is very doubtful, but unfortunately, the fear of having to face him again; the fear of the evil he spoke coming true, this is part of my dark storm.

So now as I chase out the feeling of this demon once again, I know in my heart that these three Angels are fighting with me, circling me, protecting me and they will indeed carry me through to my afterlife. They will get out their powerful swords and conquer the dragon that swoops down to grab me. My Angels will protect me and I know if you think of your Angels, they will swarm in, circle and protect you, carry you through to the life of peace and happiness you deserve.

I hope as you read this you feel the power of connecting with those you’ve lost but who were most special in your life. Feel their love for you. Remember the happy moments spent with them. Allow them into your thoughts and see how they chase away the bad, the evil, the demon can no longer control, there is no space for him now. In this battle you have protectors and those special protectors will never leave you. They are always with you. They will create a castle of safety for you to spread out your wings and fly with them to the magic of your life.

Feel the magic of your Angels!!!

**In closing; if you do believe in the power of spiritual healing, I want to give you the other half of this coping skill. As you bring in your Angels to circle around, think about what power the demon has in your thoughts. Once you’ve got hold of it, throw your arms outward and say to yourself: “Me and my Angels now chase you away. You (say the name) have no more power here. You are banned from this castle and you will not return.** If you are one who believes in the aura of a bad spirit hovering around you. This coping skill gives you control over that aura and you can banish it away whenever you feel its presence. The power and control belong to you, the living, not those who hover around in our thoughts or who make their person felt in our homes. It is our safe castle and we say who crosses over the moat and who is banished to be eaten by the gators below if they return.

This tool has given me a renewed sense of strength. It allows me the power to push away any bad and call my protectors in to circle. Give it a try for you, hope it gives you that same sense of being in control.

Good luck, peace within, always in strength & in spirit!!!

He’s Back Again………….!!!

This post is probably one of the most powerful I’ve ever shared, but it’s  horrifying and triggering . Please read with caution, patience, understanding. This is my reality!!!

     These past few weeks I’ve been in quite a raging rapids of memories. However, I try to remain hopeful as friends speak out to me; “Time heals all wounds” REALLY????

Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Adult Survivors of Rape; even our returning war vets and others who have gone through some form of life threatening trauma never forget.

Do we learn how to cope? Yes; this is quite possible with the help of a support system and tools of a trained trauma recovery therapist. We can remain hopeful and live in the present at most times.

My life has been truly safe these past seven years. I’ve got one of the most loving and protective men I’ve ever known. He has held me as I’ve curled up and cried like an infant. He walks each step along recovery with me. It’s a life I have imagined finally coming true!!

However; still I am plagued with haunting memories and sensations of fear. There are still moments, days, even weeks when I am taken to the darkness of my past and each breath is a struggle to get through.

This has been one of those months!!! This blog is filled with the paralyzing fear that I have to get out of my system. Hopefully it will, in some strange way, help others understand the impact of this reality as being a survivor of evil so horrific most cannot even imagine.

Lately I feel trapped by his presence. It’s difficult to breathe or even think. I can feel his heavy breath and panting over my shoulder. My skin actually crawls at the sense of his touch grasping at me. As I do dishes the weight of his body creates a pressure caging me against the sink. When stepping out of the shower his hands fill the bathroom air with the stench of black coal.

He is back again!!! He is all around me!!!

He’s in my car when I’m driving; sitting there in the passenger side with the devil’s grin and his thick coal stained hand rubs on my thigh. I can feel it groping at my shirt, clenching on my breast. He is hovering around me as I climb into bed next to the one I love so dearly. I scooch over and curl into a ball as close to safety as I can, wanting to climb inside so that I will be protected from the blackness around me. Even as I write this now he is here; everywhere; completely surrounding, taunting, almost as if he’s laughing and then I hear his grueling whisper, “I will always be here. You will never escape me.”

MY GOD WHEN DOES IT END? Perhaps when I am dead or will he be there waiting for me, taking me down to hell with him, keeping me there to torture all over again!!!

This is the reality for those of us who have survived through evil that other’s can’t even touch, their minds cannot circle around the days, nights, years of continuous torture we have endured.

To be raped or molested as a child is brutal enough. Even those who have been raped as adults have a difficult task of moving past it. When your childhood days are filled with sadistic torture, so brutal that your soul is murdered; TELL ME HOW WE ARE TO GET PAST THIS. TELL ME HOW WE ARE TO “JUST FORGET ABOUT IT”!!!

When you are six and held by a fist full of hair as someone probes you so viciously it bruises you and hurts for days. When you are nine and cannot even bathe or do dishes without being trapped and touched. When you are twelve and you are forced to strip with a shotgun barrel rubbing along your body. When you are threatened with death as you’re told to lie down on the bed. When you feel the barrel of the gun ripping apart at your guts as its repeatedly jammed inside you. When you lie there knowing there is no escape, no rescue, no sense of help. You hear the television downstairs, you know your brother and sister are there enjoying a show, but you are here. You’re forced to hold back the screams of pain; forced to hold back the tears of madness. You hear the voice of terror as it threatens to blow your head off from the inside of your vagina. Then suddenly it feels as if your insides are shredded and scraped out with a searing knife. You feel the barrel as it’s ripped out so quickly you think it’s tearing out your soul.

Your existence is gone now. The young child you were is no longer there. It’s only blackness around you and in you. There is no laughter, no play time, no smile, no shine in your eyes; only a blank empty shell laying on the royal blue quilted bedspread.

He brings the barrel up to your face. You try to focus and you hear his words, “You will die if you say a word to anyone again!!!”

You see the blood and tissue of your soul clinging to the end of the gun. You know it is over now. There will never be joy in your spirit again because the devil has taken it and erased the child who lived inside.

Where is the comfort of death when I need it so desperately? Why has God allowed my purity to be taken in such an act of terror? Why has He covered my life in darkness?

Tell me please – “How do you erase these fears? How do you -“Just get over it?” How in the hell am I supposed to move past and forget this evil when it feels as if his spirit is here waiting for me to die???!!!

Could you do it? Could you pretend it never happened? Could you go through life trying to hide this black that crawls inside of you? Could you still function, be a wife, be a mother, try to guide your own children through life with joy and the tenderness of childhood?

I’m breathing; I’m telling myself I’m safe; I’m loved; the birds are singing outside; the rainbow in shining in the clouds; dear God I am trying!!! Breathing and Praying!!! Destroy him!!!

The child I was; the broken soul of a woman; the spirit of a mother; now the strength and determination of a SURVIVOR!!!

(c)Patricia A. McKnight

“My Justice” has been written, has been spoken, but have you really heard that voice of the girl who held back the tears; the voice that wanted to scream out in fear for help; the child that hid her way through life and covered up the rot of her skin; the disregard of her mother; the infection of black from the devil who still haunts my world.