What will you gain from reading ‘My Justice’?

 

MyJustice         ‘My Justice’ by     biopic3

                   Patricia A. McKnight

 

Many people have told me how ‘My Justice’ has influenced their lives in a powerful way.  Sadly, I’ve also been told how my ‘victim’ story is way too graphic and is not suitable for public knowledge.

‘You really should tame it back Trish, it’s just too much in your face and our attendees just are not very receptive. Perhaps if you turned it back a notch or so.’

I’d like to take a few moments to help people out in making the decision to read ‘My Justice’ or hear ‘My Story’.

First off, let me say, this is an extremely violent true account of, not only the twelve long years of ‘terroristic’ child molestation, rape, exploitation, sex trafficking, family servitude, and physically disfiguring neglect, but also how having to endure through all of these pains affected my adult life, adult relationships, marriages, sense of self worth, and most importantly my parenting and independent skills in supporting a family. As you read the chapters, going from one traumatic ugly event to another, you are engaged in the accounts from the child, woman, wife, mother, and then the survivor whose only mission is to be a good person and find a sincere, safe, true love.

  • This book is NOT intended for any reader under the age of fourteen
  • This book is highly recommended for victims of similar types of childhood or adult personal violations and harm.
  • ‘My Justice’ is extremely useful in educating yourself and persons within law enforcement, healthcare, psychology, and family service providers.
  • ‘My Justice’ is a walk through a victim’s life in a home with a dominating forceful personality who engrained a sense of fear so intense, she lived day after day, year after year, in a constant threat of attack. You will see how this type of environment impacted her entire life, her decisions, behaviors, parenting, and how she was trained to be a sexualized, submissive personality with absolutely no other spark of identity within.

‘My Justice’ is a personal journey written first with only the intent to get it all out of my body. The memories were flooding my soul at that time, triggered by my mother’s heart attack and illness. Yes, it had always eaten away at me, how could so many people who interacted throughout so many years of my life, how could they have abandoned me to be so completely destroyed. I really had no idea who I was supposed to be. The second purpose was to explain to my children how it all had played out and affected their lives. I needed them to forgive my lack in skills, see how important they really were to me, and somehow use the knowledge I was beginning to finally understand myself; use what I’d written and studied in my own life changing path so that they could change how things were in their lives. Seeing how Bink reacted as he read through his true love’s life long pattern of pain was like a spark that perhaps I did matter, perhaps my secrets mattered, perhaps my horrific life could help someone else figure out how to change what had been done to them.

I found out just how many adult survivors of these types of childhoods were in our society. Everyone of us felt isolated in our pain, trapped by the expected behaviors & achievements of our society and unable to openly speak about these horrors. In the centuries before the internet, there may have been one or two who felt safe enough to reveal the truth, but most were living life ashamed of what happened and afraid of being ostracized for being that once silent, trapped, manipulated and controlled, terrorized victim. We were living our lives weighed down by all of the disgusting, vile, and brutal acts we had no choice but to endure and accept; no matter how often they happened or what we were forced to do. After some serious consideration, with a reluctance as to how it was going to be accepted, I took a chance and self published these nightmares because to me as I wrote out my dark inner self, there was a inner sense of finally taking back my freedom, my own sense of person, and I began to put together the person, with the values, that I wanted to be today. With me, through many who know me, what you see is really what you get. There are no longer any dark secrets looming behind the curtain. I am no longer trapped with his monstrous hand covering my mouth and holding me silent as I lay there trapped in his evil attacks. No longer was my only identity wrapped up in the sexualized, devalued, and stripped raw person my parents created. Publishing ‘My Justice’ was publishing ‘My Freedom’ and in finding my own identity I realized just how important ‘My Justice’ really was and it became my heart’s mission to change the centuries of human silence about this tragic topic.

 So let’s go forward then…..

Who will be helped and how will they be helped in reading this violent journey through my third nervous breakdown as a result of all that had been my life?

Victims & Survivors:

Although you may find this book triggering or upsetting, take a breath, lay it down and come back to it when you’re in a better place or a peaceful mindset. I want to tell you; ‘Your identity, the magic candle that Creator has instilled within every soul; the magic is still very much inside of you, and you hold the only chance at life it really has to shine. It’s tragic these evil actions have ever been committed against you, but if you want to be truly free from the pain, you simply need to be strong enough to let go of the only way of life you’ve ever known. You need to get angry at being someone’s victim all the time, decide for yourself that YOU will never tolerate another act of harm against you again. In reading ‘My Justice’, many have contacted me about how it inspired them to get away from an abuser, begin looking into their past, catching the repeated dysfunctional ways they parent their children. Readers have looked at the choice patterns they’ve made in life and what they believed was safe, tolerable, accepted within a relationship. If you are now or ever were someone’s victim, there is a life altering impact from the trauma which causes a chain reaction in your choices, behaviors, parenting, perceptions of the world as a whole. There is scientific proof of the frontal lobe brain dysfunctions caused by trauma on a child’s developing brain. the impacts alter your sense of safe, not safe, Fight or Flight; even how you develop your independence as a teen or preteen. Remember that regardless of your past or what your parents may have or have not taught you about life, you are the ONLY person who can control your decisions, your actions and your reactions You cannot and should not be trying to control choices and life patterns for someone else. You are the only one that can put forth the effort and determination you will need to change your life, but this book is something that just might help you re-evaluate your behaviors and relationships and at the end you will find a list of Five Positive Insights to help you through those challenging times.

Close Family & Friends of victims/survivors:

If you are a close friend or you love someone who is dealing with these types of harms from their past, perhaps as a child or even in adult or school relationships, there is an emotional distortion in many of the responses and actions you see in that person. You may disagree with all or some of their behaviors and what they do, you may say to yourself, ‘I’m so tired of seeing her fall down in the cracks all the time’. Please understand, especially in cases of a life raised in a violent home or a sexually distorted environment; they cannot help and may not even realize the level of trauma they’ve been through. It may be necessary to provide an intervention in some way, depending on how bad their life is today. They may not realize how it affects their instant responses to things in their life today. Maybe they are loved and have a happy family, however like many other human beings who have endured such atrocities against them, there are changes in their inner self that may not be like your choices, your reactions, your inhibitions. These persons have had everything that was good about them beaten down, degraded, and at its worst completely discarded for any sadness or pain, even intense fear they may have endured. Today we just want to help them know it is safe. Comfort and support them. If they find the courage to share with you, do not be shocked and disgusted. Do not tell them they shouldn’t talk about such things. Instead we need to see how we can help them. If you see them perhaps being too harsh with their children, making rash decisions, or even abusing drugs or alcohol; please offer them a contact of help. Address the issues with them, as hard or challenging as it may be. Let them know you are not judging them, but just want to help provide some light in their life and make things a bit happier for them. Love and comfort them, let them know they can trust you with their pain.

For educators, healthcare, law enforcement, behavioral specialist, and psychology professionals:

The professionals who come in contact with child victims or person’s in a dangerous situation, you are the front line for them. Remember that we teach our children these are ‘SAFE’ persons and that if they are in danger, not being treated nicely, or someone is harming them in some way; you are the strong one who will help them. In reading ‘My Justice’ you will see how the years of heinous neglect/refusal to provide any form of needs or care for the child, resulted in the belief that there was nothing about her worth helping or saving. The educational system where she attended from 3rd to 10th grade, day after day, as the filth and infected sores covered her skin, the black rotten fangs hanging from her mouth, the constant pattern of homework not done, no after school activities, no social interactions with others, nothing but a pattern of sexualized behaviors because in what she was taught; sex and servitude was the only value she had as a human being. Your professional contact in responding to a victim is crucial. How you make them feel that they absolutely deserve someone to hear them, see them, be gentle with them, and help them get to a safe place matters in how their future beliefs and life patterns will be built. When you respond with care, concern, a sense of tenderness; you have the power to change their lives and the dysfunctional self hatred engrained by years of trauma and pain. In law enforcement, when you disregard the child, woman, mother, father, who has been hit, violated, or dominated by a sense of terror; you have also left them believing they are not worth saving. You can learn to evaluate the care of each individual within the home, then determine if there is cause to take the ‘bad’ person away and give them time to find a safe place. Behavioral specialist & Guidance Counselors at school; rather than continuously reprimanding or suggesting medication control of the child who displays disruptive behaviors, always lagging in homework, no interests in activities, poor social skills, perhaps only one or two persons you see them interact with if anyone at all. There is a more simple direct question and a process of building trust, a respectful bond, with the troubled child/person. You can be much more pro-active in assisting/encouraging a change in behavior when you ask; is there something going on, maybe I can help, is there someone at home that has you scared or is preventing you from doing your homework?’ The direct concern of the person’s well being just might save their life. After you read ‘My Justice’ you’ll be more aware of the details, rather than just the trained bullet point behaviors, of someone who just might need your help. As a community responder, someone who interacts with this person on a regular basis, you will see just how your tuned senses learned from the victim’s words of these horrors and be able to more frequently spot a person in need of your professional assistance providing them with a safe place. 

‘My Justice’ has been used in online psychology courses taught by Dr. Brenda Markert-Green. It is also a regularly recommended read from one of Illinois strongest voices in the Illinois Retired Teachers, Coordinator for the Teacher’s Mentoring Program for upcoming educators. This very personal story has been suggested reading by my own therapist for other patients. It’s also been recommended by advocates across the country, in United Kingdom, Australia, and Canada. As a society we have a direct responsibility to be able to maintain safe communities for our children, this includes the homes where our children aren’t allowed to go and the parents we don’t trust around our children. It is what we do as aware protective parents; as a society who wants to help create some type of change in how these past taught and trained behaviors against people within our homes; those we love the most and those who have no choice but to endure, grow up so they can get away themselves; this is where ‘My Justice’ will change your life and you will become more instinctive and responsive to the victims & survivors around us everyday.

As professionals, neighbors, community leaders, church elders, and responders; it is our adult duty to evaluate what lies underneath this misbehaving, lagging, promiscuous child. Be prepared to find out just how bad it can be sometimes inside the homes of those in our community. There are usually signs of a dysfunctional or harmful environment, learn them and use the guide to determine how best to help someone you know.

As you have read here, ‘My Justice’, has already achieved so much more than I ever thought it would and has influenced the lives of tremendous people with the power, knowledge, and ability to make a difference in the lives of those who suffer. We can all do this by simply caring about whether or not someone is safe. Don’t just listen to the fighting and screaming down the hall from the same family night after night. Don’t turn up the tv or close the window, instead open your heart and allow yourself to pick up the phone and report what you see and hear to the front line professionals who are there to help, especially when it is a child who cannot fight back, cannot refuse, and can be easily manipulated into believing all of the pain is really their fault, they just aren’t any good and it doesn’t matter that they are being hurt. Should we ever allow another being to feel this way about themselves when there is a beautiful light inside each of us, which just might one day change the world?

I hope you purchase ‘My Justice’. I hope you recommend others to read this story, share your copy of the book with a friend, list it as recommended reading for college students studying to become a front line defense person for families, victims, and survivors who just might be waiting for someone to help them see that their life, their smile, their safety really does matter.

Thank you for your time here. I appreciate any feedback you want to share. If you’d like to arrange a speaking venue or perhaps need some assistance yourself, or maybe you want to know more about the full list of things you can do to help; please email direct to trish.mcknight@live.com

Be well & keep on dreaming, your butterfly, your freedom, your sense of safety; your inner magic really does matter!!

Patricia McKnight

‘My Justice’ – A true account, chapter after chapter, of the many horrific years endured through evil, sex trafficking, servitude, brutal beatings, and what is no less than torture. Please use personal care when reading, do not stress to rush through but rather take your time and do not allow your past to take away your amazing future.

 

copyright @ Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery

Sept 2012

 

 

 

 

“The Good Within…..”

Well here it is 6 a.m. on a Saturday morning and again I am unable to sleep. Seems another morning has come where my mind doesn’t want to shut off. It’s so early, actually I’ve been awake since three, but just started coffee and had to get some thoughts out of my head.

First thing I think however, “Damn…..this world can be so insane and evil at times.” That’s it. That’s the first thought. Then, “How can I try to make things different and what are my next few steps going to be?”

I was just telling my beautiful friend, Michal Madison, the other day on the phone about what I am going to write to you here. She and I have become quite close you see. We have never met, but she knows me; she knows my spirit and my dreams. In fact we share many of the same thoughts and wishes, the passions of how we can try to create something better.

Anyway, here goes. “It’s sad to realize that no other mammal on this earth is as cruel to its young as we humans. Even the most ferocious animals of the kingdom; the lions, tigers, and yes, even bears are nurturing to their young. They keep them safe always. These breeds of God’s creations often stay together happily throughout their lifetime. However, humans beat, neglect, degrade, molest and rape our young. We manipulate them in our domestic relationships and our adult world. We use them to satisfy our own sick demented need for power and greatness, even sadistic desires.”

Do you know absolutely any adult can manipulate, over power, and control a child or even preteen; actually any human who is cruel can make another feel less worthy? It is when they have developed the adult body parts, the adult logical thinking, the adult ability to speak out, fight back, run away we start picking another less powerful force.

I made a statement in a Facebook comment yesterday afternoon. In this I discussed, “What would happen if each person who is able, chose to protect just one other who was younger, weaker, not able to protect themselves in some way; How would our world change? What morals and human decency would we be able to give to the next generation? What basic human skills could we give to our children to make this world a better place?”

I’m not sure if you feel as I do, but I’m more concerned about what morality will exist in my grandchildren’s futures rather than what debt they’ll be burdened to carry. Let’s face facts; “How do we ever expect them to pay off our world deficit?” I really don’t view this as a possibility for them. It really is a hope that we can change our pattern of spending to reduce this, but I believe that it may be an impossible feat for them at this point.

“What if instead we all chip in through moral teachings?” We can start punishing those who harm them, make calls to help rescue them, teach them they are worthy; teach them the process I began teaching my own grandchildren and try hard to pass on to them…..

“There are bad things in this world. There are people who are simply bad and do things to hurt other people. We can’t think that God can fix everything and take all the bad people, all the bad things, and rid them away. What we can do, is each try to be good inside. We each can try to find our good and share it with others. We also have to help protect those around us from bad things and bad people.”

That’s it simple easy step one as explained to my, then, six-year-old grandson. Every time someone begins to bully him or tries to be mean to him, he does speak up for himself, most times. But, at the same time when you talk to him he worries about if someone is being mean to them. He even tells his mom and dad when they’re not being nice. He has a great heart and a true soul. My awesome grandson, Gavin, knows at nine years old what it means to be kind and be a good person. I’m not sure I can say that for many adults I’ve come across in my life. It’s tragic to think of the world he, his brother, and my precious little granddaughter are going to be so sadly changed by the cruel sense of others. **Note: (Gavin wrote a story, himself, about this and now he and NaNa are working on the publication)**

“Do you believe we can change the path of mankind? Do you believe we all have the personal right to be safe in our world? Do you believe that if we all choose to protect our own rather than harm them, that we can create a better, kinder, safer world to give them?”

So you may now ask…..”What are my next few steps in this journey to make a difference?”

I am going to share these statements wherever I can. I am going to write about these statements, do public speaking on these statements, try to inspire some sense of moral kindness towards another. Most of all, I am going to ask you to look inside, to ask yourself;

“If I can protect just one and ask another to protect just one, maybe something will change? If I can speak for the goodness in mankind, if I can try to leave something better for my children and grandchildren; then maybe, just maybe, something will begin to sparkle through the goodness that I pass forward. Rather than hand the world to them with all of the pain, violence, evil, darkness; I can be part of the generation that gathered its voices and decided to take a stand.”

“I can be part of that wonderful group that did something different rather than just accepting what has been turned away from for generations. I can simply begin to be one of those awesome voices that decided to say, NO MORE!!”

Let’s face it folks, if we don’t try to do something, what will our children think of this species called the human race in another twenty years?

If you agree with this and you want to help make a change and just don’t know how to start, look inside yourself. What lies inside your heart? What are your thoughts about these statements?What do you hope to pass forward? If all of your answers here fill your ideas with wonderful possibilities, share that good spirit with others.

“The place we can all begin to create a kinder, more compassionate and safer world; this is the good that lies within.”

Be the rose within!!

Michal Madison Art
Michal Madison Art
artist/advocate/speaker/survivor
Michal Madison; Watercolor Artist
michalmadisonart.com

(c) Patricia A. McKnight

Advocate/Author/Speaker/Blogger/Survivor

Author:  “My Justice”

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http://www.facebook.com/triciagirl62

Changing the Trained Behavior and Accpetance of Abuse

People have reached out to congratulate me on an awesome blog site. Love that, I really do. They’ve also stated what a great relief to find a blog that shares the truth and depth of being a Child Sexual Abuse Survivor. This again is wonderful!!!

As a survivor who had been drastically trained to accept, live in, and believe that I didn’t deserve any level of human kindness. There is a deeper impact that this training has had on my life. This would be accepting, believing and living in a continued pattern of abuse, which resulted in twenty years of almost deadly Domestic Violence. This is the abuse that has left me disabled today.

When I left my parent’s home at seventeen, I had been swept off my feet by a twenty-four year old man. I couldn’t believe that this guy wanted anything to do with me. Remember that I was carrying the very visible disgust from the child abuse, neglect and rot that covered my body. He was a small man about 5’5″ and maybe 140 lbs, while I was 5′ tall and weighed about 150. He was really very cute and many thought so, both his friends and the few I partied with. I was covered with both scars and still infected patches of sores from the inability to bathe in my home. My teeth were rotted out to the point I would roll up little pieces of bread to try to use as fillings for my front teeth. He “seemed” pretty stable in his world. He’d been working at the same city job since he graduated highschool. I hadn’t graduated and had random waitressing or fast food jobs. Most importantly, he was so kind and gentle towards me. This was new. He didn’t just want to bed me and then ignore me. He drove 45 minutes to surprise me.

We moved in together after just a few months of weekend dates. The kindness seemed to continue. I admired him. I seriously thought, “Finally I’m safe”. After the first day I should have picked up and never looked back. I accepted one huge sign of his control. He deadbolted me in the second floor apartment when he left for work.

He told me, “I only have one set of keys and the neighborhood isn’t safe enough to leave the doors unlocked. I simply responded, “OK”; believing there was a kindness in this act. “Awe, he cares about my being safe.”

Six months later he took his first swing at me and landed a slap across my face so hard that it knocked me backwards. This was because I objected to his locking the doors, AGAIN!!! During the 2 years we lived together his violent control would become almost deadly. He would then tell me he was sorry he lost his temper.

“Why did I have to make him so angry? Why did I insist on him doing this to me? I must like it when he beats me”!!!!

I believed all of it!!! I believed that if I wouldn’t have said this or that, he wouldn’t have slapped or punched me. I believed that he didn’t mean to rage so intensely as he smashed my head off of a tree stump. I believed that he didn’t mean to hurt me as he tied me up with a phone cord and locked me in the bedroom. I believed that he wouldn’t do it again as he held a loaded gun to my head, or when he choked me, kicked me, and almost drowned me. I believed him  as he pushed my face into the mirror and told me how ugly I was and no one else would ever want me.

When I finally decided that I couldn’t stay with him any longer, he exploded, beat me, and then convinced me that it was my fault he found another lady that he wanted to move in with and I needed to leave.

Perhaps you’re thinking’ Thank God she wised up and knew she didn’t deserve this treatment any longer” HA!HA!HA!

There next would be a man who became my husband, father to my children, but held a fierce control over everything in our home. He was emotionally abusive as he told me that I was nothing without him. He was verbally abusive as he referred to me as His Whore while we were supposed to be making love. I accepted and allowed him to control every single decision within our home. I believed his words as they sliced through my soul. Since I had children with him I did all I could to keep my family together; even divorced him and then came back apologizing!!! We remarried, but just after eighteen months both of us were seeing a lawyer for divorce.

When he ran off with my children before the second divorce papers were filed, he convinced me that I wasn’t good for my children. They didn’t need me in their lives. They would be better off without me. He left me in Maryland without a place to live, without anything but a basket of clothes and ran to his parents home in Pennsylvania with all of our belongings and MY THREE YOUNG CHILDREN!!!

The next four months would be spent bouncing off walls trying to figure out if he was really right, that I wasn’t any good for my children. Finally I packed my single basket of clothes in a 10 ft. U-haul and chased after them, moving to PA with only $35.00 and knowing absolutely no one or what I was going to do. It took four years of battles before he would finally give me back my children, but he hadn’t let up on the verbal threats against my life.

“Your alive only because I am a nice person. One day they will find you floating down the Allegheny River and I will get away with it”!!!

Six months after arriving in PA I was again swept away by a handsome man who came into the bar where I had found work. He would become my 2nd husband and eventually my children would come back to live with us.

The first few months were awesome, but of course I was blind to some things, but I couldn’t be so easily walked on. I did start standing up for myself, and believed that so long as he loved me after the beating that we would work it out. I wanted this marriage to last. I truly loved this man. He was most often kind to my kids; he wrestled and played with them. He didn’t ever lay a hand on them and rarely corrected them. He was pretty easy except when he got drunk and that became an every day event. Then I noticed that his beatings didn’t just happen when he was drunk. They started happening over anything. Especially if he didn’t have the money to go get drunk. He beat me and made me give up a new career with a great company. He beat me for giving him a luke warm plate of food. He beat me for the littlest infraction!!!

My children an I lived on eggshells. I didn’t think that my children were really effected by what they saw and heard each night. I thought that since they were never directly harmed that it would be fine and if I could hang in there my family would work out. I needed his help financially and believed I couldn’t keep my kids without him.

The night of his last beating, he almost killed me and the damage has left me disabled now and no longer a productive member of society. When the police escorted me out of our house on Nov. 19,1997 I made a promise to myself, “Never again would I accept any beating or mistreatment from any man!!!”

***Note***- I’m not against men and I don’t believe that all men are abusive; I just wasn’t going to take any more beatings!!!

It took three months for me to finally get on my feet. Thankfully a wonderful friend, Kimmy, became my angel and gave me a safe place to clear my head and get a new job. However my children had to go back to their father’s while I got things settled. I didn’t believe that a shelter would help me and my family. After all, I had accepted all of this cruelty. Why would they help me????

To my surprise I did quite well getting started. The new job, thanks to going back for an education, was a professional position as a buyer and more with a local manufacturing plant. Eventually I even bought us our own safe home and put up a pool for the kids and I to enjoy together. Their father had no problem giving them back to me when I got our first rental. Things weren’t easy financially. I had over stretched myself as I tried to build a wonderful safe, happy place for the kids and I, but we were trying hard together.

There would be three more relationships that came into my life. Each one after the first few months would turn controlling or violent. I didn’t stay with them, but I kept choosing the same types of men. I used to ask myself if God had stamped me with a sign that said, “Beat Me”!!!

I WAS FORTY-TWO BEFORE I MET THE FIRST MAN WHO WOULD NOT BEAT ME, DEGRADE ME, ABUSE ME IN ANY WAY!!!

Now I do live happy and healed, but that is only because I have finally faced all of the demons of my past. I’ve gone through years of intense therapy, beginning back in 1997. The multiples of abusers and the 20 years going from one abusive relationship to another has left extreme physical and emotional damage. Even though I know that I am safe and loved, there are still those instant reactions of worry and fear. I’m happy to say that I know I can trust the wonderful man who understands this remaining damage, but it sure doesn’t make the relationship easy for him either. He is left to love the broken, scarred body of my past; the emotional break downs and doubts of my trained mind and reactions. But HE LOVES ME THROUGH ALL OF IT 🙂

You’ll find a video upload on this blog site that is my plea to anyone who is living this path of trained acceptance and expectance of abuse. Please reach out to just one person, be it a friend or stranger, shelther or church. You deserve better, You deserve love, happiness, and safety. There are places that will help you. You can find a support system that helps you help yourself to a better life.

We have to be the ones to change our lives. Others can lead us to the tools, they can give us the tools, but we have to make the choice to change and devote ourselves to truly succeeding and accepting nothing less. It won’t be perfect or wonderful or easy, but in order to save your life I beg you to please, please believe that you deserve safety, love, respect, and happiness. You can do this!!! There are places to help you through or you can do it yourself by working hard and leaving what you know.

Each new day brings a fresh chance to change what controls you and you deserve all the wonderful beauty of this world.

Connect with me on Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/tricialgirl62

Check out the pages here about the Author, the novel “My Justice”, the Articles & More. I encourage you to leave your comments and know that you can join in with me & many others and walk the path to freedom, as we support and encourage others to do the same.

It’s OK to feel the pain of our past, but we must truly live for our future!!!

(c)Patricia A. McKnight

Advocate/Author/Speaker/BTR Host/Survivor